Pre 4th

I went to my father’s today to set his medication straight. Again his stupid doc called in a two week supply of his heart medication. I am so bullshit. I am calling on Monday and going to raise hell. This is ridiculous.

On the way home, I did something to my stomach muscles. Either that, or I developed a hernia. I am in pain if I slouch or try to straighten up. I feel like I have a line cutting into me. No one is home as they went over my cousin’s for celebrations of the 4th. Pain isn’t too bad, unless I try moving. So I am trying to stay as still as possible. I hope it goes away on its own. I can’t blame over eating as I really haven’t eaten much today. And besides, the pain came on before I had anything to eat. I don’t know what is causing the discomfort. For all I know, it could just be gas…

I came home from my father’s in pain, not only from my stomach, but my ankle, too. It’s still in flare up mode. I don’t know what it is going to take for it to calm down. I took some pain pills and then made some coffee. I think the coffee is helping me stay awake. I finished watching the “Lincoln” movie. I started watching it last night, fell asleep, watched it this morning when pain woke me up, then fell asleep again. I was determined to see it through when I came home. As usual, I cried at the end. I really think they should have stopped the movie when the South surrendered to Grant. There really was no need to see the guy die as they didn’t even show the scene where he was shot. But whatever.

I plan on doing some editing today. I have to finish it. It’s only about 15 pages so it shouldn’t take me that long to do. I am writing about psychosis so it isn’t triggering me. It’s more making me sound crazy, but that is all. I do have interesting delusions. I still need to write up the whole new one but am afraid that if I do, I will become delusional again, or my sense of reality might take a hike. It’s so tricky writing about psychosis and delusions when you still believe them. It will make a great story, but I really need to think this out and create a storyline that doesn’t affect me. I figure if I treat it as a story, it won’t affect me. But continuing to see things in the news keep the delusions alive.

I have a couple of hours before the baseball game. I don’t know if I want to watch “Gone with the Wind” or try to get caught up on Bones. I have like 6 episodes I need to watch before the new season begins. I like keeping them because if I feel like binge watching, I can do it. Though my attention span tends to only yield to one or two episodes. I used to love watching it all the time but since Hodges no longer does his crazy experiments anymore, I feel the show lost something for me.

I got a crazy idea today that I am still pondering. I want to crowdfund for suicide research. Thing is, I don’t have many contacts and I don’t know how the funding works. I would have to look into it and then seriously think if this is a go or not. The idea sounds great and I think I will get some support but will people actually fund it is the question. I don’t know if there is a time frame for this or not. I would hate to go for say 6 months and raise only $300, if I am that lucky. I would just give the money to David Jobes to fund his research for CAMS. I can’t think of any other researcher who is more deserving. Okay, I am totally biased because CAMS has helped me so much, but still. He is a suicidologist with the know how to do clinical research that will back up clinical practice. I just wish people would change their clinical behavior to this method when they actually sign up for his course. It isn’t just about continuing education units. It’s about saving lives.

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Book Rant

I scored today on Kindle with getting Dostoevsky’s works for just $1.99 and one of his short stories for $0.99. The works included his big works like the Brother’s Karamazov and Crime and Punishment. I couldn’t pass it up. I would have spent more on those two alone than just the full works. I am very happy. I just hope they are in the full version and not a half ass book. You never know with Kindle because you have to go through all the pages to see it. The first work they have is the Brothers, which is a big volume. Only thing I don’t like about the kindle, least the one that I have, is that I can’t say get to page 100 without scrolling through 100 pages. I just haven’t mastered how the thing works. It is an app, not the kindle itself. I should ask my sister how to get through the thing. But what really bothers me is that there was no title page for the entire collection. It just started with the Brothers and that was it! I guess that will be my next reading when I finish the Idiot. I love reading Fyodor!

I am in mega pain. And what is worse, is that I can’t rest tomorrow like I should. The doctor messed up my father’s pills so I need to go to the pharmacy and get it for my father. He is also out of one his medications. I misjudged how much was left in the bottle. So that is my fault. I have to put the pills in because he isn’t going to know what pills to fucking take. It is so annoying.

I don’t know why I am continuing to be on Facebook. There is so much negativity and bullshit, and you can’t get away from Memes!! Seems people can’t write their own statuses anymore, they just MEME them to death! I like Twitter for this reason. It’s original. Sure you have the memes there, too, but they aren’t in abundance like FB. Since my game ended, I have been bored silly. I guess that is why I am writing and reading more. Though even though I do have the time to read, I haven’t finished that many books this year. I have completed maybe three? I should start a spreadsheet on when I start a book and when I finish it. Goodreads was ok, but it doesn’t really give you a start date. It generally thinks you start reading the day you entered the book, which might not be accurate. I can’t change that date. So starting a spreadsheet might be helpful.

Last night, I got really suicidal. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to. It kind of scared me. I wrote about it in my new Hyde Notebook. It was too powerful to write on a blog. Plus, the information I wrote about, I really don’t want coming back to haunt me. So it’s just in black and white in this notebook. I am trying my hand at containing the darkness in one place. I was wicked tired, drugged up from my pain medication, and in severe pain. The perfect storm for Hyde to come out but he didn’t. I wrote what I did and then I went to sleep. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly but I do remember the gist of the writings. I was in compete control of the writing and I didn’t dissociate. I just wrote one page because I was so tired. If the meds weren’t working the way they did, I probably would have written more.

I am down to the last three chapters of the “Idiot”. I am sad to see this book end but also happy that I am finished with it. I should be done with it tonight, if I get the inclination to read the last thirty or so pages. I would have finished it last night, but I got too tired from pain meds and was in too much pain to think straight. It’s so hard to read when you don’t feel well. I think that is why my number of books is so low. I just haven’t been able to put in the mental stuff required for reading, and because I am in pain most of the time, it’s just hard. Some book are easier to read than others. Like I enjoyed reading “The Graveyard Book”. It took me a few days to read, where it has taken me three weeks to finish the Idiot. But it’s a longer book than the Graveyard. I don’t know what it is with me and large books. They take forever to read and then I get frustrated half way through. Like the stupid Battle Cry for Freedom. 900 pages of words and took me almost a year or more to finish. And because I was reading it, I didn’t read anything else, even though I usually have two books I am reading at the same time. I really want to get back into the “Reagan Diaries”. That was an interesting book. I read a quarter of it before I got interested in other things. Hamilton is another book that I started but never finished. Again another 900 or so page book. It was a difficult book to read though. It didn’t have spot in it that you can pause. It was just one long ramble. I have no idea where that book went. I think it is in the Hamper that I have been meaning to clean out but haven’t gotten to. It won’t be today because my ankle is screaming at me. Won’t be tomorrow either because of the deal with my father. So it will just sit there while I look at the mess.

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Ramblings 77

I am in pain. I don’t know what I did, but my ankle is swollen and painful. It was hurting before I left the house and I think going out caused it to flare up more. I really want some rice but will hold off until the pain meds kick in before venturing downstairs again.

Had therapy today and am going to try for tomorrow as well. My therapist wants to see me more now that her vacation is moving up in terms of time. She is here next week and then the following two weeks, she is “gone”, as she puts it. Her talking about being gone is not helping my anxiety. She knows that my pdoc is around and will be keeping a closer eye on me, now that they know the plan. My therapist didn’t have a chance to read any of the blogs that I sent her. I told her one was longer than the other, so beware. She is so dense, that she forgot that she only seen me yesterday. She said that it felt like “ages ago”. She is gone with the wind, I’m telling you.

We talked more about Hyde, mostly because she didn’t read the blogs so I had to explain things. We talked about how I have decided to write at least two blogs per day. My writing bug just doesn’t seem satisfied with one. I have time I put aside in the afternoon for my blog and then I feel like writing later in the evening. I always tend to write the darker stuff then because that is when darkness will hit me. Sometimes I will write in my journal before writing another blog. But lately that hasn’t worked out too well. I feel the need to express myself, otherwise, I think I will end up killing myself.

She tried to do a psychache assessment, which I shot down because it was stupid, at this point. I am sort of not really registering my emotions. I will either feel depressed or suicidal. I have no other feelings. I don’t feel emotional pain that much anymore. I am too numb to feel it, or jaded. I introduced her to all of this so I can bypass the assessment. If she had come up with it, it would be a different story. Some tools therapists just don’t have. They finish their training thinking they know everything and it is far from the course. Pisses me off. But at least she is open minded to new assessments, even though I know she doesn’t do this with any of her other clients, which is a shame.

I asked my therapist what my diagnosis is. She said that it could be either Recurrent Major Depression, treatment resistant with psychotic features NOS or BP2, depression. I’m going to go with the MDD diagnosis. It is more familiar to me rather than BP2. She also said that I have some DID, NOS (Dissociative Identity Disorder, Not otherwise specified). The PTSD is a given. I have had that most of my life and continue to experience it. We didn’t talk about personality disorders. I don’t think I have one anymore. But will ask tomorrow if we meet. If not, I will definitely ask her Tuesday. I just looked at my schedule and it is going to be another busy Tuesday. I have the appointment with my physiatrist in the morning. And just as predicted, the pain that I was feeling in my toes has dissipated. I am sure if you press on them (I won’t), I will have pain. The new medicine he put me on did not help as much as he wanted it to. The only thing that has helped me is baclofen. I don’t take it twice a day like I used to but even taking it once a day helps. I am on a low dose so I think he might want to increase it the next time I see him. I am fine where it is and less is always better. I am nervous about seeing him though. It’s been at least six months or more since I last saw him. I was supposed to see him in Feb but between the snowstorms and the T being down, it was difficult. I just canceled the appointment and never rescheduled. Until my foot started acting up again, driving me crazy.

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Can’t die without explanations

“One can’t die without explanations”. Fyodor Dostoevsky p 513, the Idiot

This statement struck me tonight, in more ways than one. I think, this is the purpose of Hyde, to explain my death to people so they know of my suffering. I am very tired at the moment. I just woke up from a short nap and now I am in pain because I almost fell while getting up off the toilet. I lost my balance and fortunately, sat back down, but harder than I would have liked. My left knee didn’t like it much. I woke up with it hurting me. But once I started moving, the pain went away. Mysteriously as it came. Until I nearly lost my balance. Weird.

My back is hurting and I don’t like it. I can barely sit up. I keep thinking about death. I don’t want to live anymore. I know I have said these things time and time again, but it’s true. I don’t know what I am going to do when my date comes in the next few weeks and I am left all alone with my thoughts. If I don’t kill myself, it will be a defeat. If I try, at least I can say I tried. I won’t know if I succeed if I don’t try.

The quote is from a character in the Idiot, Ippolit, who has consumption (TB or Tuberculosis) and is in the last stages of the disease before death. He has been given just three weeks to live and keeps on telling people that he must tell his “confessions” before he dies. I feel the same way, though I don’t feel there is anything to confess. I have not done anything wrong. I just feel like a lowly human being that deserves to die. I am tired of the mental anguish I suffer day in and day out. I am tired of my physical pain that prevents me from working and “having a life worth living”. Today I drove and it cost me pain in my ankle. I don’t know why. I always feel this pain while driving/sitting for too long. It is a pain that starts at my ankle bone and goes into my foot. The pain is like a wrap that no one can see but I feel. They say it’s the peroneous tendon that is inflamed causing this pain. If you look at the skeletal structure of this tendon, you can clearly see how it goes from the ankle to the three damn toes of the foot. That is where I have most of my pain. The last three metatarsals in my foot. It haunts me like it does now. And I am in severe pain.

Aside from my transgender issues which will never be resolved, I have body image issues that are distorted. I am ugly, yet people have told me I am handsome and sometimes, cute. I don’t feel this way. I feel like I am very ugly that I will break a camera or mirror if I look into it long enough. I have a negative self-image. I can’t stand the way I look or how my body feels. I have a self-loathing so deeply ingrained in me that I doubt my therapist can ever get to the bottom of it. Having breasts is just one of the reasons I self-loathe. I cannot stand myself. I really want to die. I don’t want to breathe anymore. It hurts to breathe. I tell my psychiatrist this and she doesn’t think too much of it, about the hurting to breathe. But then, there is nothing she can really do about it. I am not in distress. My skin color isn’t blue. I am oxygenating very well. There are no obvious signs that there is a weight on my chest, unless you count the things that are there (breast tissue). But every woman has them and they don’t cause interference with breathing. No, I am not saying there is something pathologically wrong with me. I know that this heaviness is this depression that I feel. It makes everything heavier than what it should be. Probably why my knee hurts. It can no longer carry the weight that I have put on since my last hospitalization. I have tried to lose this weight but it is difficult. I eat the wrong things. But I eat the things that make me happy, like cheeseburgers, bacon, and ring dings. Not all the time. Just once a month when I get paid and can afford these things.

These things taste good when I am feeling up to eating them. Lately, my taste buds have failed me and nothing tastes good. I eat only because I need to, though I don’t enjoy it like I once did. Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Used to be that I have a mocha from Starbucks and that made me happy. Now it just tastes like sugar and I don’t even taste the espresso like I used to. I feel like I am wasting my money on this drink. Maybe it’s time to try espresso by itself, but I am a creature of habit. I order the same thing all the time. It’s hard to break from that.

Today I was thinking about my diagnosis. Used to be that I had recurrent major depression, with psychotic features, NOS. Now I am depressed but it’s not under the same classification. Not that I need to know what it is. I don’t really care, but I would like to know if it is a bipolar depression that I am suffering. I had highs a few months ago, back in February. Those were lovely, though a bit terrifying. I am not used to feeling up. I am used to feeling down all the time. And this time I have hit an all time low. I think about death constantly and when I am not, I am dreaming of funerals and wakes. I often wonder, if I do have a wake, who will show up. I doubt I will get the same sympathy as a friend of mine who died from diabetes. People who die by suicide don’t get the same sympathy as other who die by illnesses. But that is a debate for another day.

My explanation of my death is this, I am tired of hurting, both physically and mentally. Physically, my pain is well controlled, though I still hurt every day causing me to be on medication to control it. Mentally, there is no medication for me. Sure I take my mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic pill to ease those symptoms caused by the bipolar and psychosis that I have. But it doesn’t help the mental pain, the psychache, the deep down to the bone ache that no one can see or feel. I have been struggling with this ache since I was 8 years old. I am tired of fighting it every single day. 32 years is a long time to be fighting something that no one else can feel or see or measure even. There is no test that my pdoc can give to see where it lives, where it abides. Sure, I know there are measures out there but no one uses them. My therapist has stopped using the psychache scale. I have even stopped using the psychache scale, not because it wasn’t effective, but because it just was a number that couldn’t be brought down. It was up and it stayed up, until my crisis was over. This time, I don’t think my crisis is going to be over. Hell, I don’t think I am going to last that long period. What the hell am I waiting for?? Why can’t I go through with it tonight. Fear. And that I don’t want my family to find my body. It will be hard to be dead by suicide. Harder still and more traumatic to find my body. I don’t have a place I can go to end my life. And that is really sad. So I just sit here and complain about why I cannot go on living knowing I can’t take my life because I have no place to end it. And that is the funny thing about my therapist and psychiatrist. They have never asked me how I am going to do it, where, when. I just tell them I am suicidal and they just leave it at that. They never know what my plan truly is.

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Morning musings

I had a long morning. I kept on waking up from 0430 on till my alarm went off at 0630. I didn’t want to get up but I had to if I wanted coffee and breakfast before picking my father up. His appointment went well. I then scuttled off to my therapist’s office/town. It took me a good hour to get there as I hit every red light from one town to the next. I was traveling the back roads rather than the highway. Once I got to my Starbucks, I tried to edit but my brain was dead. I saw the words but it wasn’t holding my attention. I was too tired from the early morning awakenings and the drive out there. So I just pulled out my journal and wrote. I wrote about how I had to end a friendship because she kept on choosing bad habits and I was tired of seeing her hurt. She wanted someone else to save her but wouldn’t do anything to save herself. At least meet me half way but then she did what she intended to do that last night and I had to cut her off. She is just too toxic and I can’t be part of her injuring herself. I tried my best to help her but she is just too far away from me. I talked about it in therapy. I really didn’t want to, but it came up. My therapist is glad that made a “wise” decision but it still hurts me. I hate losing friends that are troubled. But I guess you can’t save them all if they can’t help themselves. I thought I could but I can’t. I just am not strong enough I guess.

We also talked about my upcoming date. She was pretty anxious about being here for a week and then leaving me to my own devices. With the stuff going on with my friend, I kind of forgot my own troubles for a bit. But leave it to my therapist to bring it up again. We talked about Hyde and how he comes about, or not. We haven’t pinned down exactly what triggers him. I could be writing something grand and then he will come in and write something awful. I have no way of knowing. It’s making me scared to write anything for fear of the white coats being called on me. My therapist asked if one of the journals I had bought was for Hyde. Hell no. He isn’t going to be in a nice journal. He will be in a composition notebook. But the things is, as well as that sounds, there is no guarantee he will use it. He might just use a word doc or email someone in the dead of night. I have warned people that if they should get a message from me late at night to just delete it or ignore it. Trouble is, they have not done so. The best I can describe when Hyde takes over is that I am in a dreamlike state. I am vaguely aware of what is going on. I have intense feelings of pain, anguish, and despair. And I have an agitation to write something, anything, to express these “bad” feelings. I don’t know where Hyde came from. He is a part of me, I know that. But just like cutting is to my friend, so is Hyde to my writing. I have just swapped out cutting for writing and it’s with poison ink! Some day I know I might be hospitalized again for my words. And I am going to have no recollection of this happening. It’s like I stepped out, Hyde takes over, and I write. I am not malicious, except to describe how terrible I feel. My psych wants code words and my therapist wants a notebook. How am I going to satisfy both when I have no idea what is happening until the next morning. Because soon after my/his words are exhausted, I fall into a restful slumber and wake up thinking it was a dream. I am safe as far as I know. Hyde has never taken lethal action against me. I think the writing wears him out and then he is too tired to act on the feelings he is writing about. Either that, or the cocktail of meds that I take finally give in and puts him/me out. But what brings on Hyde remains a mystery, least for now.

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Random 399

I didn’t sleep good last night again. Same old story these days, except I kept waking up in pain. Then my father’s stupid PCP’s office called to confirm the appointment for tomorrow morning. I was afraid they were going to reschedule it and I was not going to be happy if they did. But all is good and tomorrow is going to be a long day as I got to be up around 0630 so I can get dressed and get my coffee before picking my father up. Maybe get some breakfast, too. I talked to my sister and I can use her car for most of the day, which means I can see my therapist tomorrow. I just hope the PCP appointment doesn’t take forever. I would like to get to my therapist’s town and do some editing. Course it all depends on how much sleep I get tonight. Usually when I have to get up early in the morning, I don’t go to bed till 2. Not going to be good if I have to be up four hours later.

I am hoping for a session with my therapist tonight but it doesn’t look likely. I just feel stressed out about a situation with my editor and need to talk it out with someone. I know she isn’t going to understand the problem that I am facing, but I really need to figure this out before I continue with my book. Finding another editor is not easy or cheap. Sure, I can do my own editing, but sometimes it is best for another person’s eye to look at something.

I haven’t done anything today but I need to take a shower. I haven’t showered in days. And I really haven’t eaten much today. My sister made some lunch. I had a few pieces of buffalo chicken that made my stomach a wreck so I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. I really wanted to try the new hamburgers I bought but I just am not looking forward to them. I am not sure if I am going to like them because I didn’t realize they had onions in them. Maybe I will make a deep dish pizza tonight, instead. You can never go wrong with pizza!

I am getting to the end of the “Idiot” finally. I feel bad for Myshkin. He is being treated so poorly. Everyone is just talking to him cursedly and then wants to be his friend again. Or they make fun of him and then make up. Sadly, I don’t think he realizes he is being made fun of. I should finish the book off today, if not sometime tomorrow, if I feel up to it. I know I am going to be tired tomorrow so if I don’t finish it tonight, then maybe Wednesday.

Seems like every fricken week I have medication that needs to be refilled. Just when I think I am stocked on everything, I run out of one of my medications. It is so annoying. I just get annoyed because the pharmacy staff knows me so well. I am there almost every week with something. I am almost out of my baclofen and Ativan. I keep them in business. I have a few days before I can refill my Ativan so I will just wait. I have to wait till the 3rd to refill it. I just hope they have my baclofen in stock. Last time, I got a partial refill. Nitwits gave me just 15 pills of the 90 they were supposed to give me. I don’t know why they even bothered to fill it. It’s so stupid. But I think I better refill it now in case they have to order it as the holiday is this weekend.

I am still thinking about suicide, though the thoughts have been oscillating the past few days. Sometimes they are very intense and others they are barely audible. I still haven’t give in to the thoughts of coming out to my mother. Though I have no idea how I am going to do it without the support of my sisters. It’s really killing me inside to have to continue to live this way, in a family with no support, well, emotional support. I never ask for much and usually keep my problems to myself.

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Sunday Blog 4

Sunday Blog 4

I had a crappy night sleeping again. I woke up around midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I hated it. Then my phone decided it was going to beep every few minutes after nine. It was stupid text messages from the T saying that this and that bus was running late. I don’t fucking care. I am not using the system today! But there is no way to stop the messages from coming in, unless you totally want to stop the service. And I don’t want that because I need to know if my bus or train is delayed when I need to use it.

Since getting up late, I have been doing nothing but eating. I had some pop tarts for breakfast and then I had a steak for lunch, two hours later. I haven’t eaten anything heavy, just some cookies and pasta salad but I feel empty. I don’t know if it’s emotional eating or what, but I hate it. The steak I had was a decent size piece. And I ate it all. It was very good. Now my brother in law is calling asking if I want some of his pork. I declined, politely.

I didn’t think I was going to blog today because I am so sleepy. Sundays are really my down days because I don’t usually have anything planned. I filled my med box for the week. I also got my Otterbox but can’t figure out how to get the sucker open to put my phone in it. It is really annoying me. I think I got the sucker on right. It is the right case and the buttons work so I am happy. Now I can relax on dropping my phone, accidently of course.

I realized last night that I never finished the review of the psychache scale that I started. I guess I really dropped the ball on it because I even forgot what the name of the document is called. I don’t know when I will get back to it.

Yesterday, I put up some lyrics about how I was feeling at the moment. The song was by Blake Shelton and the song was called “Don’t make me”. One of the lines was something like “If I am gone, I’m gone that’s that”. I normally write these on Twitter because I don’t get any back lash. Instead I wrote it on Facebook and OMG the responses were so serious. Fucking A. It was like I was writing a goodbye note or something. I hate it when people don’t get lyrics. Course, no one listens to the music I listen to, so it’s no wonder they are clueless. Just pisses me off when I have to explain things.

It’s like when my psychiatrist wanted me to write some code about my midnight writings to her. She felt that might help ease her anxiety about my darkness. But honestly, I am never aware of what I am writing in that state of mind. I am most of the time in a dissociated state. And really wonder if it really happened when I wake up the next day. There is no way I can put in a code word because I am not “with it” to do it. I know that she would like that but I am not there. And now I have to keep my phone on in case she does call me when she reads my writings. I hardly shut it off anyways, but it would be nice to shut it off once in a while. Like this morning so I wasn’t interrupted with text messages! There is a “blocking” feature on my phone but I am not sure how it works. I can set it up, in theory, to let only certain people call. I probably need a tutorial on it from the Sprint store so I don’t mess it up. It would suck if I blocked the wrong people, like my psychiatrist or therapist!

Ankle has been hurting today so I have not been in the best of moods. I am so tired of dealing with pain all the time. Normally, I can handle it. But when my sleep is off, I am more sensitive to it and it messes with my mood. It’s just another thing that I just can’t handle. It’s just an annoying kind of pain today, nothing that I haven’t experienced before. It is just annoying the crap out of me because I haven’t done anything to really warrant it hurting me. I have been sleeping most of the day so I don’t understand what its problem is.

My therapist still wants me to see her. I am going to try and take my sister’s car Tuesday after my father’s doc appointment and go to her office. It all depends on if my sister needs the car or not. I am hoping not.

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Saturday Blog 25

Saturday Blog 25

Today is my nephew’s birthday party. He will be 21. I don’t know how this happened. One day he was snuggling in my arms. The next, he is an adult. I had to leave the party because my aunts do nothing but yell and scream at each other. Mostly it’s about who is right and who is wrong.

I am very tired today, though I did sleep through the night. I think yesterday’s excursions really took a toll on me. I literally was out of the house of the house for at least 12 hours. I haven’t been out that much since my injury. It was good to be out, but tiring. My ankle wasn’t happy last night but that was to be expected. I am just grateful that pain didn’t keep me up all night. Just took my pain pills and I was out.

I got a mass tweet this morning. I hate those because the retweets blow up my phone. It was telling me some paper was out. I had a look and lo and behold, my love/hate blog was there! I was so excited. It was at the end of the “paper” but it was there. So far it hasn’t generated any new views on my blog. But then, I am not expecting it to. I have no idea who this person was that created this paper. I don’t even follow him/her. It was just strange.

My groceries came this morning and after my nap, I finally had my Ring Dings. It was so good. I really could just feast on the chocolate alone, forgetting about the cream. I realized some time last night that I forgot to order bacon. Now I am going to have to go to the store and buy it. I hope that it is on sale. I had bought my mother mushrooms as they were on sale. Then she tells me she gets them for $0.99. I can never win with her. I have my steak that I will cook tomorrow. Now I am stocked with groceries for at least a few weeks.

My mood hasn’t changed. I still feel depressed. I really want to go back to sleep, and I might. Screw the party. I hate parties anyways. But it is my nephew so I have to make an appearance or two. I just wish I didn’t feel so lousy. I emailed my doc about vit D and whether that would be a reason why my mood has taken a nose dive. I haven’t been keeping up with the supplements. I just forget to put them in the pill box. I also need to get some more as I am running low. I have deficiency, which is why I take the supplements.

Vitamin D is an important vitamin. I used to be able to get on my soapbox about it but it has been a long time since going over the specifics about why this vitamin is so important. Lately, the research hasn’t been so positive as it was, but deficiency is rampant in the US. My belief, is if you have a deficiency, you should always replenish it because you may not know what ailments it is causing. You might actually feel better. I know that since taking the vit D, I haven’t had any chest colds or bronchitis. Immunity is one property of D. I did research with this so I know. I won’t go into specifics because it is kind of complicated.

My doc just emailed me back. She says it couldn’t hurt to restart it. So I will start taking it tonight. It might take a while to get my levels up. D is a fat soluble vitamin so it takes time for the levels to build up, even if you take the prescription form of 50,000 IU. I don’t take that much. I take 2,000 IU/day. My last levels that I had done was quite awhile ago. It was in normal range but I like it to be close to 50, which is half way between low and toxic.

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Friday Musings

Friday Musings

I had my appointment with my pdoc today. She was very concerned about me and asked if she should put me in the hospital. I told her no. She then asked if there is a way for her to know that I am safe so that she doesn’t get concerned about Hyde’s writing, like using a code word or something. I told her probably not because most of the time, I am dissociating so am not aware of what I am writing. I brought everything out in the open, the date I planned on dying, etc. I was expecting her to call security but she didn’t. She is keeping a closer eye on me.

Here is my favorite actor talking about mental illness and depression and how he got through it. It made me cry.

Today, history was made with the legalization of gay marriage in ALL 50 states. I didn’t think it was going to go through. I seriously had my doubts. But the ruling stands and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So if people want to burn themselves, divorce, whatever, do through with it and see if I care! I can legally marry someone in my state (I could anyway but it wasn’t legal/recognized in others). I should be happy but the depression is making me sad. I have been sad all day, even upon hearing the news. I am still suicidal but I can’t kill myself. I am wicked frustrated over this. I don’t know what gets me through these episodes.

I saw some Twitter friends tonight. We talked for a few hours about lots of things, but especially about suicide as that is where we all met, the SPSM (Suicide Prevention SoMe) chat. It was nice sitting and talking about things.

I am beyond exhausted between leaving the house this morning to see my pdoc and then coming home, having lunch, then going back out again to meet up with my friends. Tomorrow I might be hurting big time but it was worth it.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Hyde Musings

I was literally up all night. I went to pee around 0130 and that was it for me. I was up. I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I am totally exhausted. Last thing that I wanted to do was have therapy but I really needed a session. My days are so messed up I was thinking tomorrow was Saturday. It’s not and I need to see my pdoc.

We talked about Hyde and how to deal with him. She wishes we were meeting in person so we could try and engage him more. Very doubtful as he only comes out at night. Very rarely or never have I “dissociated” during the day with him. It’s always at night, after 2100. I don’t know why he is coming out more. I told her about the email I sent to my pdoc that caused her to call me. I also told her that I am planning on killing myself during her vacation. She said I had to put it off. I don’t think it is going to be that easy. I told her to pick a date and she did. Oct 30th. She thinks that is my new date, but I don’t really know if it is or not. Only time will tell. We talked about the hospital but I am against it for many reasons. Yes it will keep me safe but I am not in danger. I am in more danger right now because I am vulnerable and I am wicked tired. Throw in some suicidal thoughts, and I am in. I told her my thoughts don’t mean actions. She suggested that I create a “Hyde” notebook to write in when I am in that bad agitated space. But Hyde doesn’t want to stay hidden. He writes with a purpose and to someone in particular. I guess you can say he is crying for attention, but the bad kind, or rather the severe kind. The kind that could get me sectioned. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I am going to try to stay out of the hospital. I know that if I don’t stop emailing my pdoc these horribly suicidally, depressing emails, I am going to end up there. It has happened before. That was why I created this blog, to write freely my suicidal thoughts so I don’t “bother” or burden my treaters with these thoughts. But lately, this blog just hasn’t been working the way that I was hoping. Maybe I should just be writing more blogs instead of letters/emails. I don’t know. My therapist knows that Hyde cannot be ignored. I wish I could say that he is harmless but the stuff that he writes makes me believe it. I am usually horrified the next morning. I just can’t believe something so dark comes from me.

I am going to give the notebook thing a try. There is no guarantee that it will work. It would be easier to just write a word doc and call it “Hyde musings” or something. This way I don’t have to a) read my handwriting and b) type up what I wrote for my therapist to analyze. Something needs to happen. If I dissociate while writing, god knows what I will do. Half the time, I am not even aware of what I am writing. Soon as it is written, it’s out of my memory banks. That is why I wrote the blog with my pdoc’s email. Maybe my pdoc has some ideas of what to do, but I know that medication is not the answer and neither is the hospital.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment