football and writing

Man, did I get my teams mixed up! I thought OSU were playing Illinois and Nebraska was playing, too. Turns out the right team is Nebraska. OSU is playing Indiana. Unfortunately, I can only watch one game (OSU) because Neb is on the BTN, a channel I don’t have. I am bummed. So I guess I will get updates from the game, again, via Twitter.

For the first time all week, I slept late today. I don’t know if I will make coffee as it’s almost 1500. I don’t like to drink coffee too late in the afternoon because it could keep me up. I want to go to the liquor store and get some wine. I think my mother is making pizza tonight so wine would be perfect.

Last night before bed, I started writing. I was really tired but a thought came into my head and I had to write it down. It was only a page and a half, so roughly maybe 400 words. I plan on writing more about it today. If I wasn’t so tired, I probably would have written more. But I am really excited something came to me last night and I wrote. I think it will go into my book if I can make it longer. I hand wrote it so it will be a little while before it’s in a word doc.

It’s really cold and damp today. I went to get the wine and it was pretty cold out. I had to wear my winter jacket. Now the walk and going up the stairs has made me very tired and out of breath. I don’t know why sometimes I can do this without a problem and other times, I am exhausted. My right (good) ankle is hurting me for some reason. Not really painful just sore. I hope the NSAID will take care of it. I had something to eat a little while ago so that should protect my stomach from this pill. It’s the only pill that I have to make sure I eat with or I could get stomach problems. And I don’t need that.

I keep looking at the calendar to see what day it is and I still have September up. Guess I will need to change that sometime today. I really wanted to change my sheets today but that isn’t happening. I have no energy left after going to the liquor store. I want to nap but the game is on now.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

depression and delusions

Been reading my blogs from a year ago and found that I was very depressed. I didn’t want to be in treatment. I didn’t want to take my medication anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like I was a bother to my psychiatrist and my therapist. Then things got more serious. I was in pain and that just sent me over the edge. I became suicidal. Now there was no way I couldn’t see my pdoc or therapist. They wanted to see me despite me telling me them it was a waste of their time. I must have read at least three blogs that said this.

It was after my book was published and I sunk into a deep depression. I don’t remember it now. I just have the blogs to monitor these things. I am glad I have this record because I don’t remember half of what I write. Some blogs were written in the evening. Some were after midnight. The ones written after midnight were more depressing than those written at an earlier time. But then, my moods always get worse after midnight, especially if I can’t sleep. I talk about Hyde in a few of the blogs but not all the time. Hyde is my suicidal alter that comes out when there is a perfect storm: I am in severe pain, deeply depressed, and want to end my life. He likes to write the most morose things. He will write suicide notes. He hasn’t been around much since July. I hope that he stays away.

There was another blog that I read that was “private” I had to throw it away because it was a description of me trying to end my life. I couldn’t justify keeping it so I “threw” it away.

I am in a lot of pain right now and I just realized I forgot to refill my bottle of pain meds that I keep by the bed side. I will have to get up and do so. My ankle is not going to like it but it needs to be done. Because if the pain gets worse and I have to walk the three feet to the bureau, that will be worse. I hate being in pain at night. It is awful. But hopefully my meds will kick in soon and I will fall asleep. I doubt that it will be soon. Foot is also acting up along with my ankle. It’s the trouble twos. I usually can’t rest when both my foot and ankle are flared up. I didn’t do anything. I think it is nerve pain because my toes are throbbing big time.

I read a lot of my blogs tonight. I didn’t notice any patterns or anything in my mood for the months I was depressed. And when I was depressed, the world stopped spinning. It was horrible to read the pain I was in and I don’t mean the physical pain. The mental pain of depression was awful. I don’t know how I got through those episodes without trying to kill myself. According to the blogs, I had extra sessions with my therapist. That must have been what got me through. I wrote that I fired her a few times in addition to cancelling my sessions that she refused to do. In one blog, I wrote that I had pain and she un-cancelled the session. I had to see her. All because my ankle was hurting me. She is a weirdo, but she is my weirdo.

I feel depressed right now because of my pain and that I can’t sleep. It’s after midnight. I feel like I should write. Writing tends to make me sleepy so I can actually sleep, even if it’s for a few hours. I am sure to wake up anywhere between 0400 and 0700 today.

As I have been writing about my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I have another story to regale. One night the nurse practitioner decided to give me a high dose of Neurontin with my other meds that I was taking. Mind you, I was still recovering from surgery so I still had some anesthesia in my system and I was on some powerful pain meds at the time. She gave me the Neurontin to try and ease the “nerve” pain I was having in my thigh that was weak. I have been on Neurontin before so didn’t think nothing of it. Until I started having delusions. I imagined I was in my bed at home and when the tubes fell into the nursing stations, I thought my mother had fallen out of bed. I couldn’t get up to see her but when I woke up from the noise, I realized I was in the hospital and went back to sleep. Soon after the nurse came in to wake me up as I had to go for an MRI to find out what was causing the weakness in my leg. She was to give me valium so I could be relaxed during the MRI and a pain med so I would be comfortable on my back for the hour. She didn’t know my mental status was impaired until I told her I had to call my mother and find out if she was okay. At 0230 in the morning, I called home to see if my mother was indeed ok. She was and told me to worry about myself. I realized I was dreaming and the nurses went on their way but I still wasn’t myself. The orderly wheeled me to the emergency department imaging center and I had a flashback of when I was first diagnosed with CES. I was stuck in this time. I had no idea what was going on. But I was too drugged to do anything about it. By the time they had me on the table for the MRI, I passed out. When I came to, two nurses were trying to catheterize me because I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in hours and my bladder was very full. They asked me if I knew where I was and I told them I was in the ER (I was actually back up in my room but it was still the middle of the night) and that I had CES again. I then passed out but not before hearing them say something like “he’s gone”. When I finally came to the next day, the nurse practitioner came into my room to talk to me. She said that I had a bad reaction to the Neurontin. I just looked at her and said, that wasn’t a dream? She told me no. I was floored. She was going to put me on another medication and that is when I stopped her. I told her to run it by my psychiatrist first before putting me on any more meds. My psychiatrist must have scolded her because she came back and said she wasn’t going to put me on anything else but to make me comfortable. Results of the MRI showed that I had a fragment on my L3 nerve root and would need surgery again. Oh fun! It would be my second in three days time.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Feeling Irritable

Feeling irritable

Not having a good day, at all. I woke up at 0430, after falling asleep around midnight and then had a hell of a time trying to go back to sleep. I was pissed off. Then I woke up around 0830 with my ankle going berserk. I called it quits and took some pain meds that finally allowed me a few hours of sleep. When I did get up around 1130, the gas man turned off the gas so I couldn’t make anything to eat or make coffee. I am really upset that I couldn’t make coffee more than making something to eat. So now I think I will go out to Starbucks so I can have my fix, even though I really don’t want to go out. It’s really damp, windy, raw and cold out, not really good for my ankle. I just wanted a nice day at home where I make the food that I bought and drink coffee. Nope, I am denied. All because they are doing work in my area. Damn condos. I ordered a burger and now I am not so grumpy, but I still want coffee. The food that I prepared for my lunch will have to be my dinner now.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night about my anxiety around next week, just so she knows. I started writing about what I was going through, with the memories of the phone call and then the surgeries and how I faired afterwards. Aside from getting a UTI (urinary tract infection), I did okay. Though mentally I was more scared than I was physically. It was good that the CES was caught in time and I was operated on so urgently, even though it was twice I had to be cut open. I then had CSF leaks both times so I had to lie still for 24 hours. That was not fun. And it wasn’t fun when the idiot resident came to me and told me after my second surgery that he wanted to take my urinary catheter out. I asked him how I was going to pee if I had to stay still for the next 20 hours or so? He didn’t take it out. This jerk also wanted to send me home without any PT in the hospital. I couldn’t get around on my own inpatient, how was I supposed to at home? Then the stupid stuck up nurse that I had was yelling at me, asking why I didn’t want to go home. Maybe because if I fell, there would be no one to pick me up? Maybe I had two flights of stairs at my house and I couldn’t walk up one step? My leg was still weak, I couldn’t put any weight on it and without a walker, I couldn’t stand on my own. It really pissed me off and the only doctor that was understanding was my surgeon. Then I got the UTI and the antibiotics they put me on really did a number on my bowels. If you ever want to clear your system out, go on Leviquin. All I did was shit and shit and shit. For two straight days. Then they sent me home and I was tired of fighting them anyway. So I spent another two days shitting my brains out and became weak. Guess what? I had to go back to the hospital ER for fluids. If the idiots had kept me, they could have avoided this. I still had stitches in my back, I couldn’t feel my left leg, I couldn’t walk unassisted and was sent back to the ER all because the resident wanted me to go home. No wonder I have a hard time trusting doctors. They can be really stupid sometimes.

I have to watch my niece in like an hour. I really don’t feel up to it. I just want to stay in my bed. Foot is acting up so I don’t think I will be going out. I hate this. It just started to rain so that clinches it. I am not going out. I will have to wait till the workmen finish their work so I can make a damn cup of coffee.

Sox are in Cleveland tonight. They have three games left and they are done. I am very sad at this. I knew they weren’t going to the post season, it would have been a miracle if they did, but it just didn’t work out. They lost last night and sent the fucking Skankees to the post season. Hate the Skanks. I hope they lose, and they will. I think the Jays have a chance at winning it all.

Tomorrow will be college football. I can’t wait. OSU is playing Illinois, a school that I had my eyes on for grad school. They have a beautiful campus. I visited twice when I went to Chicago. Those dreams are long gone and I will be rooting for the Buckeyes. It’s going to be a tough game because Illi is also 4-0. OSU is still undefeated from last season. They just keep on winning games. And I hope my having their hat doesn’t jinx them. I will be so sad.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alphabet Game

Alphabet Game

A- Age: 39
B- Biggest Fear: losing my therapist
C- Current Time: 2200
D- Drink you last had: powerade
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: My sister
F- Favorite Song: ATM, crash and burn, Thomas Rhett
G- Ghosts, are they real?: yes
H- Hometown: E. Boston
I- I can’t: run
J- Jealous Of: Extroverts
K- Killed Someone?: No
L- Last time you cried?: Sunday
M- Middle Name: don’t have one
N- Number of Siblings: 2
O- One Wish: Find stability and contentment
P- Person who you last called: friend from home town
Q- Question you’re always asked: How are you?
R- Reason to smile: wrote an article in the NYT
S- Song last sang: Man to Man, Gary Allan
T- Time you woke up: 0630
U- Underwear Color: black
V- Vacation Destination: California or Texas
W- Worst Habit: planning my death
X- X-Rays you’ve had: ankle
Y- Your favorite food: pizza
Z- Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

Posted in blogging | Tagged , | 1 Comment

OSU hat and other things


OSU hat and other things

I finally got my official OSU (Ohio State) hat today. In the box it was sent it, I also got a bunch of snacks. There were sample packs of gum, Combos pretzels, and other stuff. I thought it was really cool to get these things. I never got more than what I paid for before.

I saw my pdoc today. We discussed the pain I have been having and the corresponding depression that I am in because of it. She thinks it might be the nerve connections growing back. It’s a painful process but it could mean that I could get sensation back in my foot where it is numb and weak. That would be good because finding out that I stepped on something and it’s embedded in my foot is not a good thing. I had a tiny piece of stone in my foot a few months ago. I have no idea how long it had been in there as skin was almost covering it up. I couldn’t believe it. But a piece of stone is better than a piece of glass. I will never forget the time my mother broke a glass in the bathroom and a fragment was left behind. I stepped on it as I walk barefoot. I thought it was a piece of rock and it was this piece of glass. Had no feeling in my foot whatsoever as I didn’t feel it puncture my skin at all. All thanks to having cauda equina syndrome.

I am extremely tired. I have been up since 0630. Before my pdoc’s appointment, I had to go to my father’s. As I was approaching my father’s apartment, his doctor called to tell me his INR (Coumadin level) was low. I said I would investigate and call her back. Turns out the ass hasn’t been taking his night meds. He must have missed a few nights for his level to be low. I wanted to strangle him. He is at risk of stroke not only because of his age but because he has an irregular heart rhythm. So he has to take this medicine to keep his blood thin to prevent a clot. I regaled the story to my sister and she tells me he starts his meds on Monday. WTF. He has to take them every fucking day and night. I am so frustrated because I am the one the docs go to when there is a problem with his blood work. He doesn’t understand or care, I don’t know which. I am too tired to figure it out. I don’t live with him so I am not there when he takes his meds. And I will be damned if I have to make a special trip every night to his house to make sure he is compliant.

I should have ordered Thai food for dinner but I wasn’t hungry when I left my pdoc’s office. I really would love King and I’s Pad Thai. I haven’t had a decent Pad Thai since I left work three years ago. There is a place in my town that makes it that is comparable but it’s not the same as King and I’s.

The one thing I did forget to talk about with my pdoc is the PTSD symptoms I have been having with my anniversary coming up. I think the stress of being in pain while I was seeing her made me forget. I really didn’t want to see her. I just wanted to go home and put my foot up. I might shoot her an email. I really just want to get through next week without it bothering me but I doubt that will happen. It’s really hard to forget something like having to go through two surgeries for the same problem. And then to find out that your second surgery had to be done because a disc fragment was embedded in the L3 nerve root. You never get over the anger of dealing with something like this. I have tried letting it go but it is very hard to do when you are in pain every day because of this injury. And now to suffer the consequences of surgery and scar tissue, it’s just too much.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hurricane Joaquin

Hurricane Joaquin

Today has been heavy rain and flash floods every where. I am glad I didn’t venture out as I would have gotten soaked. It’s windy but not too much. During one of the breaks in the rain, my mother decided to open the back porch door. Then the heavy rain fell. Luckily, I got to the kitchen in time before it flooded. It is really humid and the house is very muggy as most of the windows are closed. I am ok in my room, but then I have the AC. I hope the rain clears up by tomorrow as I really don’t want to be traveling in the rain. I don’t mind getting wet if I am just walking in the rain (I love it!) but if I have to go somewhere, I hate being in wet clothes. I don’t usually carry an umbrella in stormy weather because all you are doing is fighting with the damn thing and going to get soaked either way. I will carry it if there is no wind, which is what I hope the case will be tomorrow.

I’m glad I didn’t have to go into town today. There was a fire inside one of the stations and flooding at another one. Good going MBTA! The line was down for a good couple of hours. It is now just getting close to being on time. If the stations can’t handle heavy rain, I don’t know how they are going to handle the winter. This past winter there were major delays all over the place. Commuter rail going to the suburbs were affected as well. It was a disaster. I hope this winter won’t be as horrid, but you never know until January.

I had therapy though we didn’t talk about therapy things. Our connection wasn’t great today, probably because of the weather but I think my therapist needs a new phone and she is in great denial about it. So we talked about tech stuff. She was amazed that she went on the internet when I send her links to my blog. She had no idea. Talk about being clueless. She also doesn’t want to lose my text messages, which I can understand. She did that before and doesn’t know how she did it and boy, was she in a panic. I tried explaining to her that getting a new phone will suck for a little while but she wouldn’t listen at all. This is what I am getting from therapy. Counseling my therapist on cell phones and how the internet works. LOL. I found it funny and made a comment about it. She just laughed. She did read the yesterday’s blog that I sent her. She said that it was good that I sent it to her because she doesn’t know when her anxiety about my pain is interfering with things.

We then talked about my writing, or rather the lack of it. Today has been a long day because I woke up so damn early. She said to print out the things that I have written and read it over. Maybe that will spark something. I haven’t done that yet. I was describing the difficulty of writing when she asked if I had any journals about psychosis or something to that effect. I told her I just have suicide or self harm journal articles. I suppose I could Google something but that sounds like a lot of work for something that is supposed to be fiction. I don’t really want my short story to become a clinical paper. She really wanted me to write about my early experiences with my fantasy world but it would be too triggering for me and then with the weekend coming, her not being available, it would be tough to sit through all that stuff. So it stays in my head where it belongs. I’m already having enough anxiety over the anniversary coming up next week. What keeps going through my mind is when I got the phone call from my PCP while I was driving to my therapist’s appointment (I had a car then). I remember having to pull over because I wanted to listen carefully to what he was telling me and not crash into something. After the phone call, I was numb. I had CES again and I was to report to the hospital the following day for surgery. I am glad I had therapy that night because I was close to losing my shit, but it was a weird calm. I knew what to expect this go round because I had been through it before and I had the support of my group. I didn’t know when I would be able to see my therapist again. I was walking when I went to the hospital but wasn’t when I left, not unassisted anyway. I was walking with a walker or a cane. I can’t remember. I just know my left leg was weaker than it was before the surgery. It is what lead to my disability. I know that if I didn’t hurt my back the second go round with this horrid condition, I probably would still be working now. I lost so much after this but I was determined to make as full a recovery as possible. I had to fight to keep my PT appointments, even though they were just telling me to join a gym. A gym wouldn’t help me. I would have to figure things out on my own and fuck that. I wanted someone to show me what I should be doing and how to do it. That is how I learn. I think during my recovery time my therapist started with the phone sessions and it just continued even after I recovered. If I couldn’t make it to where she was, I would have a phone session. It didn’t become a regular thing until I no longer had access to a car to get to her office thirty miles away from me. Both my cars died on me. They were used when I got them and I just didn’t want to put more money into old cars. I do miss the Camaro. That car was sweet. I got my first speeding ticket with that car. I think I still have the violation somewhere in my files. It is paid, of course, but I just wanted to keep it.

There’s a lot of things I wish I knew when I got the second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. Like how my bowels and bladder were going to be. They still don’t work the way they did before. I had retention and leakage with my bladder before the second surgery but it got worse after. If I had checked out the AFO before I got CRPS in my ankle, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have it today. These are the things that go through my mind. But mostly it was getting that phone call saying that I had CES x 2 that kills me to this day. It’s going to be a rough week.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

an injustice and other things

I have been up for the past hour or so. I am in pain and I am not happy about it. It’s raining cats and dogs so I probably won’t go out. It still is muggy though so I have the AC running. I wonder if the rain is what is causing my good ankle to be so sore. I really need to eat something so I can take my NSAID. Hopefully that will help this pain.

While I was up, I read my Twitter feed and a friend posted an article about how a young man died in jail while waiting for a psych bed at the state mental hospital where he was ordered. Cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is not a suicide or homicide. The man was very sick. He had stopped eating, was covered in his own filth as some psych patients get when they are untreated. I find it hard to believe that the people who run the jail didn’t notice his demise and didn’t do anything to get this man the help he so desperately needed. According to the article and the buzz around Twitter, jails are becoming warehouses for the mentally ill because there are no psych beds available. It is sad that they keep on making more jails than psych wards. And what is even more staggering, is they keep closing units left and right. In my own community when I first moved here, there was a mental hospital and three psych units at the local hospital (2 adults and one for kids). Now there is just one adult unit and that is it. The hospital closed because of budget cuts and so did the other units. That is just in my area. I am sure that is the case in other communities as well. Let’s cut the psych unit before all others because who cares about the patients. And now they are wondering why there is a mental health crisis. Good lord.

It bothers me that this young man died all because he was in jail and didn’t get the care that he needed. Course, jail isn’t for folks like him. They do belong in a psych ward but why did no one visit him? Why didn’t his lawyer check up on him? All these questions and no answers. And you know the jail is going to be covering their ass in this day and age when the system is under fire. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, really. He stole $5 worth of snacks and got a death sentence in return. Just doesn’t seem right for a misdemeanor. $5 and within something like 50 days, he was dead. Just so wrong, very wrong.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I wish my day didn’t start so damn early. If my mother goes to my aunt’s, maybe I will watch the season finale of CSI. I recorded it but haven’t watched it yet, like many of my shows. I still haven’t finished watching Rizzoli and Isles episodes. Though I think I didn’t record a couple because Maura’s father hasn’t been introduced yet. He was played by David Ogden Styers. He also played in M*A*S*H as Winchester. He is a wonderful actor. I could have a M*A*S*H marathon. I had bought the whole DVD collection because it was on sale at Best Buy. It’s one of my favorite comedy shows. I love Hawkeye and Frank. They are so funny. I really missed Frank when he left the show.

I have therapy later this afternoon. I hope no one calls me like they did yesterday. My mother called and then someone else did too. The one time I am on the phone, everyone decides to call me. My phone is silent the rest of the day. I just don’t get it. I think I have figured out a way to see her at least once a month, in person. I just hope it works. Otherwise, I am back to just the phone and not seeing her at all. If it does work, then I won’t have to change my father’s doctor either.

I hope to get some reading done today. I still have not finished the Harry Potter book, yet. I realized it’s because I really hate one of the characters in the book and can’t stand reading about how mean she is and a bully, though she tries to play it off like she is wonderful and kind. It’s not my favorite book because I know what happens in the end and I don’t like it. I guess that is another reason I haven’t finished it. I am half way through and soon as I am done with HP, I plan on reading about the Lusitania. I really should finish “American Gods” but that book is very creepy. It’s one of Neil Gaiman’s books. I didn’t realize he wrote so many books. He is a brilliant writer.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

frustrating therapy day

I am in a little less pain today than I was last night. This could change as the night progresses. I have been up and down the stairs today, not a lot but enough to possibly set off my ankle. There is supposed to be rain today but it’s partly cloudy and very humid out. I am glad I didn’t take my AC out last week when it was cool. We always have an Indian summer and the weather stays fair until November. I usually don’t have the AC going in October but it usually stays in until I can clear a path for my brother in law to take it out.

I had therapy today and we talked about my anxiety coming up with my anniversary. She said that it is creating a something to do with PTSD. I forget the word she used. Half way through session, I wanted to stop talking. I just didn’t want to talk anymore about anything. She kept on asking about Hyde and my suicidality, the depression, and about my pain. We talked about that for a bit as pain has really brought me down. I just feel useless because if I do anything, it brings me pain. If I don’t do anything, it brings me pain. How can I win at this game? How am I supposed to live? I am so tired of living with the depression and being in chronic physical pain. I don’t think she gets it. And I am too tired to try and make her understand. I know dealing with chronic pain isn’t her thing and she has had to learn off the fly what it’s like, but sometimes I just want her to listen and not say anything when I complain about being in pain. She can’t do anything for me but be there and that is all I am asking her to do. I’m the one stuck with this bullshit not her. Only thing I can do is fucking text her in the middle of the night because the pain is driving me crazy. Used to be that I texted her my darkness. Now I just want to die because I can’t stand the pain anymore, and everything that goes with it.

She asked about my writing and I cringed. I told her I am just blogging right now. I can’t seem to get my head in gear to do anything else. I am just tired of trying to write something and coming up empty. I have been trying to add on to Haylor but no can do. And it bugs me because the words are there but I can’t get them out. It is so frustrating.

I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to go to the liquor store to get some wine but haven’t the inkling to get dressed and go. I just want to stay in my room, with the AC, and keep my foot up. I slept after my therapy appointment. So much for the coffee keeping me up. I had the Brazil Sertraozinho today. It was very good. Today is National Coffee day. My aunt told me that Dunkins was giving out free coffee today. I’ll stick with my good stuff, thank you. They are only good for donuts, least to me anyway. I really want some Chinese food, the good greasy kind. It’s too bad my favorite place closed down. Now I have limited to no options. There is one place I get General Gau from but that is the only thing good there. Their fried rice isn’t so great and their Lo Mein sucks. Maybe I will get some on Thursday when I have to head into town. I’ll go to the train station and get it there. It’s pretty good and cheap.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

ARGH, Another Pain Day

ARGH, another pain day

I woke up this morning and I was fine. I made a phone call to my PCP to find out if my prescription was ready to be picked up and it was. So I set out to go into town and get it. I was feeling okay, not 100%. I am never 100% but felt good enough to venture out. I really wanted to stay home and relax but I wanted my Hawaiian coffee. I stayed at Starbucks for about an hour before heading to town. By the time I finished walking to the PCP’s office and back to the train station, my ankle started up on me. I just missed the 1230 bus so would have to catch the 1330 bus, which meant having to wait a half hour at the station. I was feeling really worn out and just wanted to go home but I wanted to fill the prescription and then not have to go out tomorrow. So as I was waiting in line at the pharmacy counter, my ankle had enough. It screamed and I almost gave out a little yell. I couldn’t believe it. It has never done this before. Luckily, I was called next, then sat to wait for the script. I was grateful to sit down a bit or I would be crying.

I had tweeted Walgreens over the weekend to say I was upset with their customer care. They got the details and while I was at Starbucks, the manager called to apologize. She agreed someone should have called me to tell me what was going on with my prescription (Zofran). She apologized and said that she would call me back when the issue was taken cared of. Apparently, because their system was down, my insurance thought I picked it up and then was trying to refill it so it wouldn’t go through again. They had to cancel out the transaction to let me have my meds. It was complicated and then three hours later when I went to pick it up, it still wasn’t ready. So glad I didn’t go when she said it would be fifteen minutes! In the end, it helps to complain to upper management to get things done. I know some people have problems with the alerts and I keep getting refill reminders more than I get prescription ready alerts. It helps to also have Twitter as a go to for getting customer care. I seriously doubt I would have the meds ready when I came if the manager hadn’t called me this morning. I would have had to wait longer for them to figure the damn thing out and I would again be out of my meds for possibly another day. There would be no way I would be able to wait longer than 15 minutes anyway. My bladder was telling me it was time to go home and my ankle was already crying. It needed to be put up, like it is now. I desperately needed to take a pain med so needed to come home as soon as possible.

I am glad I didn’t buy the Hawaiian coffee because I don’t like it hot. I would have to make it iced and I am just not that talented. I was able to get my Brazil Sertaozinho today. I can’t wait to make that coffee tomorrow. It’s like milk chocolate in a coffee cup. I have had that iced and hot and enjoy it. It’s probably the only thing that I enjoy right now. My mother was confused as to why I bought another bag of coffee. I told her it was different flavors. Really, they are just different places where the coffee is produced. I forget where my Kati Kati is made, but I still have that, household blend, and soon will have Pike’s Place. I am not going to get Pike’s grounded until I am done with the household blend. I have a quarter of a bag left.

I am not planning on doing anything today. I do have to eat something as I really didn’t have breakfast or lunch today. I had a ring ding this morning but I don’t think that counts as breakfast. I am totally wiped so I need to rest a bit before I try and make myself something to eat. While at Walgreens I was able to get some shredded cheese so I can use it for my burrito. I might make eggs. Or I might make a turkey sandwich. I just remembered I bought some turkey breast with my online grocery order. I am so glad I can order groceries online. It is so convenient and doesn’t hurt me. I can order them and have them delivered and I don’t have to carry the bags up the stairs. I just have to put them away. I won’t order eggs again, however. I had to get a credit because two eggs were broken out of the dozen and a half that I ordered. It was something that I feared would happen.

I tried getting a hold of my therapist today but she must be really busy as she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Now that it’s late in the afternoon, I don’t think she will. I am just feeling really out of sorts and depressed. This pain is really throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I have made it go away, it flares up on me again. It is really bringing me down. I am not suicidal but I wish someone would take me out of my misery. I can’t stand being in pain every day. You would think that I would be used to it by now but it’s not something you ever get used to. Today I went out and did a few things but tomorrow I will have to rest. I might have to rest Wednesday too because Thursday is going to be a long day. I have to deal with my father and then I have my pdoc appointment in the afternoon. I haven’t quite decided how I am going to get to the red line as my father is on the orange. I will have to time it right to get to where I need to go, which means more walking and traveling. I don’t know if my ankle is up for the task. It kills me that I can’t do things every day like “normal” people do. I will have the Friday and the weekend to recover but I don’t know if my mental health will. I am just getting really annoyed that this pain hasn’t let up despite rest and pain meds. Or it has and then soon as I am a little bit active, I am in agony all over again. I am glad I have the energy to do things but paying for the efforts just isn’t fun. It outright, just sucks.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Foggy Sunday

Both my games won today. Sox and Patriots won. I am glad. I am, however, sad that one of the announcers at NESN had his last game at Fenway. The stupid network fired him without just cause. He will finish out the remainder of the season and then be gone. I heard that San Diego is looking at him. I don’t want him to go because he made watching baseball fun. Now I am stuck listening to the radio for next season. Maybe I will watch the new guy but I really want to boycott the station in protest. I could be a real ass and just cancel the network, but that wouldn’t be fair as we would have just basic channels and my mother would probably kill me. She wouldn’t have her Hallmark channel or the other ones that she likes to watch anymore. What was really shitty was that the Red Sox had a tribute to the guy and the network didn’t air it. What assholes.

I was in a fog most of the day and then I watched my games. I totally forgot to call Walgreens to find out about my prescription. But I put in the order for it to be “refilled” so maybe things will be working okay by tomorrow. I am really surprised they didn’t call me and tell me there was a problem. If there is a problem, I am still going to tweet Walgreens and complain. There should be no good reason why they can’t fill my prescription as I have had it before. It’s not new. I am not allergic to it. There are no interactions (that I know of) with my other medications. I just find this so frustrating. Least call like they said they would. That is the other thing that pissed me off. Why bother telling someone they are going to call you and then don’t do it? I should just complain about that. Take that for being a dumbass. Or at least call and tell me the problem is a computer thing and won’t be fixed until such and such a date. I am so annoyed. If I didn’t need the medicine, I wouldn’t care. They could take their blessed time but I am close to running out and I hate not having my meds. It just creates anxiety for me.

I didn’t make coffee today. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in the afternoon. I made breakfast and then decided to make coffee after my nap but I overslept and then the games were on. I really need to shower tonight. I was going to this morning but I was just so sleepy. I didn’t go to bed till around 0300 and then I woke up around 0600 and been playing sleep catch up ever since. I took some Neurontin last night to help with the bloody pain and that was why I was so hung over today. Lack of sleep and Neurontin doesn’t mix well. It took me so long to make pancakes this morning. I kept having to go over the ingredients over and over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then after I mixed it, I had to lie down. I just let the mixture sit for about a half hour. I guess it was a good thing because the pancakes were nice and fluffy which they never were before. So now I have a secret way of making the pancakes fluffy.

My pain levels are minimal today. I think the Neurontin helped to shut things down. I will have to remember to keep this in mind when I have my next flare up next month around this time. It seems I have been having flare ups the same time every month. It can go on for weeks. Like I explained in my last blog, it’s sometimes difficult to ascertain whether I am experiencing nerve pain or physical pain. Usually my pain meds takes care of my pain and then I am fine. But when it doesn’t work, I have to find an alternative. I am glad I have the Neurontin as it can help tremendously. Only thing that sucks is the hangover part and the fog. I have to sleep off the medication otherwise, I am sleepy all day. And then I have to deal with incessant hunger cravings. Today wasn’t so bad. I had three meals today plus a snack so I think I am good. I had a big piece of steak for dinner so I am hoping I won’t have any other food cravings for the rest of the night.

I still don’t know what causes the flare ups. This time it seemed to have been caused by zaps. Zaps are electric shock type of pain that runs through my foot. I usually just get it on my big toe in my bad foot, but lately, the zaps have been all over my foot. I think it’s because I am still numb and the nerves are trying to fire to make connections again that I feel this type of pain. But they usually don’t last too long. This round, they lasted at least six hours. I was very sore the next day. I thought it was over but the soreness never left and neither did the pain left behind. I am just glad the pain is gone now because I don’t think I can stand another night of being in pain. I hope it doesn’t return tonight because it just makes me really depressed.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments