Your Word

Posted on Tuesday,18 June,2013 by

I think I should just give up sleep. I just can’t get sleepy tonight. I have my head racing a mile a minute and the voices won’t shut up so I am playing music because it is the only thing that calms me down. I had to go up on my meds to quiet them out. I love when I have three conversations going on in my head at once. It gets loud and noisy. Drives me crazy. Just picture a crowded lunch room with a bunch of people talking at once. That is what is going on in my head right now. Doesn’t help that I should not have had the sausage for dinner. My stomach is killing me. I just took some antacid. I wish I could fall asleep but it just isn’t happening. I am too wound up. The voices keep asking me questions. What am I doing? what am I writing? How am I feeling? What do you think of this? What do you think of that? UGH I just want to sleep and they just don’t get it. Least they aren’t telling me what to do. But I am scared the new voices, the ones that are having a big conversation might turn against me. Then I will have to go to the hospital. I would hate that.

I don’t know why I have been so angry lately, more annoyed, than I have been. Started with someone calling me a bullshitter. I am not. I can’t even if I tried and then you will know that it is. I did realize that if I don’t go through with my plans to end my life, I will be breaking a promise to myself and I don’t know if I can live with that because I have let myself down so many times. That is why I keep future dates. But this time I really mean it. I am not going to see 2014. I just can’t face another year of being in pain. I know I should learn to live with it but I just can’t. I can’t break a promise to myself that I will end the suffering. What started this all was reading today’s AAS (American Association of Suicidology) blog. I felt like I could go on if only I could live with the pain. But I can’t. It’s too unbearable. It might not be all the time. It might not be every day. But when it hits, I just want to curl up and die. But instead I am just popping pills. I am a pill popper. And I don’t like it. I am ashamed of it. But with out these pills, I am in horrific pain. And isn’t it better that I am not in pain while popping these pills? It’s a catch 22 and you can’t eat your cake too. Though I would have loved some cake tonight. I miss having desserts. I used to have pie all the time when I was at work but then the pies got sucky and I switched to cake. Some cakes were better than others. I wouldn’t eat the frosting, just the cake part because that is what I like, with a little bit of frosting not a glob. Though sometimes in my moods for chocolate, I will eat the frosting, if it isn’t too sweet. But I digress…

Right now my stomach and throat hurt. Not because of the same reasons. I knew I shouldn’t have had the greasy sausage so that is why my stomach is acting up. My throat is acting up because I still have whatever virus or bacteria I caught last week. I have the A/c going because it is quite warm in my room and humid. I cannot stand humidity. So now I am freezing in my winter pjs and have my comforter on. Oh well.

What does your word mean if you don’t keep it? I mean we all make promises to ourselves all the time. We promise to go on a diet, to go to the gym, etc. but what if you make a promise to kill yourself? How can you not keep that promise when it means so much to you? I am struggling with that question. I mean if you give your word to someone, you generally keep it, least I do. That is why I am still here. Because I have kept my word to her that I would not kill myself. But what about my word to myself? Don’t I get the same kind of respect? Am I disrespecting myself by not keeping my word to MYSELF? I don’t know. Maybe promises to yourself are meant to be broken and only those for others are to be kept. It just hurts that I have to live to please others when I am disrespecting myself knowing that I should be dead.

Also what has been ticking me off is that the prez of the AAS thinks he can stop suicide from ever happening. He is fooling himself. I half want to say to him, dude, if you can save me you can save the world but I don’t tell him my true feelings. How can I in 140 characters on twitter? Even the founder of the AAS has stated that he does not want to live in a world where suicide doesn’t exist. Suicide is and always will be an individual choice that no one else can make but you. So why am I still hanging on?

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Am I still a midnight demon?

Posted on Monday,17 June,2013 by

I am up again in pain. I am thinking of changing my name from midnight demon to something else as I no longer write in the wee hours of the morning anymore. I guess I wrote in the wee hours because I was up late from my job and couldn’t sleep because of the dark thoughts that I had. Now I write at any time I feel like it, morning, afternoon, evening, or even after the midnight hour. I have the time to write more now that I am no longer working. I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad. But least I have the flexibility to do it.

Like I said I am in pain. My throat is killing me again. I thought it was getting better but I guess not. I plan on calling my primary’s office soon as they are open to see if I can come in sooner than Thursday. This is just getting ridiculous. The pain is much less than it was but still, I have to take my pain meds to quiet it down and I don’t like using my meds for something as benign as throat pain. The cough syrup helps but it only lasts about a half hour to an hour, which is about the time my meds kick in. I know I don’t have strep because I think I would feel worse than what I have been feeling. Who would have thought that a sneeze can cause all this. I think I might have an infection. If I don’t they I really screwed up my throat muscles or connective tissues when I had that horrific sneeze.

The pain is not bad enough that I am thinking of killing of myself but then, pain doesn’t have to happen for me to think about it. I just keep wondering how it will be when I am dead. To not be able to feel anymore, to not hurt psychologically anymore. To not actually be dead when I already feel dead inside. Since work ended, I thought that things would change for the better but I still feel the same. I might not have the same pressures I did when I was working, the whole being at work on time and dealing with the idiots at work, but I still feel this pressure on my chest every day. Sometimes it is so bad, I can’t breath. I know my respiratory system does my breathing anyway but it just feels like I can’t breath because of this weight. I guess even though the job is away, the psychache isn’t. I still have the psychological pain, pressure, and press. What made me want to kill myself to get away from my job, I now want to get away because I can’t stand living. I know that if I had some purpose to my life I would probably feel better. If I had some direction or something to do other than just thinking of writing or playing my internet games, maybe I wouldn’t feel so low. But it’s hard when your depression causes you to feel unmotivated. I could have cleaned my room twice over by now if I had the energy to do so but I don’t. I look at the mess and I just get overwhelmed with it and say the hell with it. I have no where to put my clothes anyway. I can’t hang them up as my closet is full already and so is my one bureau. My room is small enough that it cannot fit another one. I bought a bookcase for my room thinking I could fit some clothes on it but it got full with all the books that I have lying around. I buy a lot of books. I am currently reading like 5 books right now, though really, I am just spending most of my time on one. But even reading I have a hard time doing sometimes. It takes a lot of energy for me to read for an hour. The book that I am reading interests me but I can only pay attention to it for so long before I want to go to sleep or go back on twitter. I am a Twitter addict, I confess.

I had read a few short books for a friend so I could review them. That was something to do. The hard part was actually writing the review. The books left a positive impression but I couldn’t get it out on word. This is the third time that I have written a review for my friend. I am thinking of doing that for all the books I read from now on. It doesn’t take long to do it. But there are some books like the suicide books I read that are a bit technical for some people. They may not be a favorite but it is good to have a review for people to read. I wish I had done that for the suicidology book I bought. That book, you would think would be a textbook on the working of suicidology, actually sucked. It just talked about what I call the outer layer of suicide. If a person is suicidal, this is what you do rather than what you do to help the person. The book is not empirically based, least I don’t think it is from what I remember. But then some time has past since I last looked at the book.

Why do I love reading about suicide? Because I think that if I understand it better, I can help myself so I can be less suicidal. But back in 2012, when I was at the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology, I realized that I am a hopeless case. That I will never get better because I cannot find someone to stand the pain with me. My therapist tries, but she gets anxious when I talk about suicide and then we spend more time talking about other stuff than what is important. I recently asked her if we can talk about the roots of my suicidality and didn’t learn much about it. I started thinking of suicide when I was eight years old. I had tremendous pain at that age that no one knew about. I learned to live with it all this time by not speaking about it. Why was I in pain? I don’t know. My memory is not as good as it once was. They say that all the answers lie inside you but for answering why I was suicidal I have no clue. I don’t know why I was in pain. I could have been in pain because I did not have a happy childhood. I had an abusive father and an abusive mother that was sexually interested in me. I also did not believe that I was a girl growing up. I wanted to be Mike but I couldn’t show it or even speak of it for fear of getting the shit kicked out of me. Maybe that is the reason for my pain. I don’t know. But whatever that is causing this pain is making my life intolerable.

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need to get out

Posted on Sunday,16 June,2013 by

I didn’t do too much today. Watched the Sox game. They lost to the O’s. I’m not happy. Lester just doesn’t have his magic anymore. It’s killing me to watch him take the mound and just throw balls. I don’t know but today’s loss was tough.

I came up to my room to be in a quiet space as my head is hurting me for some reason and it’s so noisy outside. Someone is running a lawnmower, the guy down the street just started his motorcycle. And there is a yappy dog on the opposite street to mine that I just want to strangle to make him shut up. There should be a rule that no dogs are allowed in apartment complexes unless they own the house or have a yard for them to run around in. Having a tiny porch is dumb for the dog. That is not letting the dog out side. That is just getting them out of your hair for a few minutes to annoy your neighbors.

I should have taken a shower today but I don’t feel like it. I will tomorrow as I plan on getting my coffee. I haven’t had coffee in almost a week. It’s been tough with my throat being so sore. I am feeling better today and my appetite is back to normal. I still am congested but there is nothing I can do about that.

I don’t know really what I am going to do tomorrow other than get out of the house for a couple of hours. I am dying to go out as I have been stuck in for more than a week now with this awful cold. I hope that I can work on my book for a bit and maybe write another blog or journal. I don’t really care as long as I am out.

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suicidality

Posted on Saturday,15 June,2013 by

Slept most of the day as I was up a few times during the night, again because of throat pain. It is so unbearable. But luckily with pain medication, I seem to have it under control, unlike my ankle pain, which surprisingly has not acted up. Probably because I am not really doing anything. I am staying in my room because it is quiet and I need to rest.

I was hoping something profound would come to me today but nothing has. I keep wondering why there are no comments on my blog about my plans. I guess no one is really reading it or knows what to say. That is ok. I don’t know what to say if I was reading my blogs either.

I am open to my blog about ending my life. I am not that open to the people around me. I feel that if I were, I would be hospitalized or placed on suicide watch. I can’t stand to be on either. I can’t even tell my psychiatrist that I am going to kill myself because I am afraid of what she will do. I already see her once every two weeks. I don’t know if she would want to see me weekly after she finds out or what. I know I don’t need her help. I am not killing myself because she has failed me. She has tried to keep me alive all these years through being there for me. But I can’t help but think that the less she knows, the better.

I wish I could say the same for my goofy therapist but she wants to know the details of my demise. I don’t know why. She can’t stop me. No one can. I have to do this because I am tired of fighting the pain. I am tired of forcing breath into an empty soul. I am tired of a heart beating in a useless body. I feel dead inside so I feel I must die. It is the only option left to me. I have tried medications and they don’t work. I have tried therapy for the past twelve years and still I want to end my life. I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for twenty years and still I think of and plan my death. I have to see why I think these things. The voices say that I will have relief, that there is a better life waiting for me on the other side. I don’t know if I truly believe that. I think that once you are dead you are dead. No more. There is no heaven. There is no hell. There is just nothingness. And no hospital will stop me from achieving this goal that I have set for myself. I cannot be talked in to it. I might be involuntarily committed, again, but they cannot keep me forever.

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rambling about sleep

Posted on Saturday,15 June,2013 by

I wasn’t so sure I would write today. I just woke up from a two hour snooze. It’s now half past midnight. I had an easy day but I am still sick. I have been sleeping in spurts and it is pissing me off. All because of this damn cold that I got in my throat. I keep waking up in severe throat pain. I am not in so much pain now but I just took some vitamin D and now my throat is back on fire. Guess it didn’t like the powerade I drank to wash down the pills. And because I have not gone to the bathroom most of the week, I took some fiber pills to hopefully get things moving. I am not looking forward to it. With my nerve damage, moving hard stools or moving stools in general is difficult. It’s very easy to get backed up and because of my illness, I really let things get out of hand. I have not gone since Tuesday, I think. But I also have not been eating as much so that is good too. Less to poop.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today but was unable to keep it because I felt so lousy, physically. I am glad I didn’t keep it because just a walk to the store for cough syrup left me totally exhausted. A trip into town would have totally wiped me out. I asked if we could reschedule for two weeks, but have not heard back from her. I hate it when she doesn’t respond to my emails or even acknowledges them with an ok. Just lets me wonder if she got the email or if she is pissed with me for cancelling. I will never know.

I spent the day catching up with my DVR and then tonight I watched my Sox lose to the O’s. Sox did not provide any run support to the starting pitcher so got the loss in a shutout. They couldn’t even get a couple of hits together. It made me wish I was there at Camden Yards. I went to Baltimore once last year and loved it. It is such a great city. I hope to go again to see a ballgame. It would be easy to get tickets and probably would cost less than going to Fenway. Just read on twitter that a guy got on the disabled list for a bruised thumb. Are you kidding me? Dustin Pedroia has been playing all season with a torn ligament in his thumb, and I mean all 70 games!! Some men are pure babies when it comes to injuries.

This weekend is Father’s day. I am not doing shit for my father because a) I am broke and B) he is an asshole. For the past few weeks he has been complaining of pain in his right side. His oncologist thinks it is just scar pain. So what does my father do, goes to his primary who then sets up an appointment to a surgeon to look at it. WITHOUT TELLING ME. I got the call this afternoon from his primary, not my father, and was like what the hell. I have to reschedule the appointment anyways because I can’t take him and I doubt my sister is going to take off work to take him. I told the ass that if it gets worse to call me. But does he listen, no. Damn fool. I know he wants answers to his pain but I think it is just a pulled muscle and those things take a while to heal. I just can’t stand him. I mean it’s not like he is disrupting my schedule or anything. But I just hate him so much I don’t want to be around him. For all the pain he has caused me, this is pay back.

I was really hoping to sleep tonight. But I just can’t get it out of my head that I am sick and my cough doesn’t help. I can’t take anymore meds because it has only been two hours since my last dose. My throat is hurting and it sucks because there is nothing I can do for it. I am kind of hot in my room so maybe if I turn on the fan, I can go back to sleep.

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air let out of a balloon

Posted on Thursday,13 June,2013 by

My blog views have gone through the roof. I currently am at 132 for today ALONE. I never had such interest before. I always felt that if I got at least 20 views a day, I was doing good. But never would I imagine that there would come a day that 100 people would read my blog or that a single person would read my entire blog. So I thank you because it means a lot to me.

I still feel like crap. I don’t know if I am getting better or worse. I just know that I am now taking pain killers for my throat pain as it keeps it away for a few hours until it wears off. I was taking two tablets but have now cut down to one and it seems to still do the trick. I would call for an appointment to my doctor but he doesn’t have any openings until next week. I see him anyway. I see him next Thursday. I just hope that I am better by then but I don’t think so as I am now coughing up yellow phlegm. Not a good sign that all is well. And noises are driving me beserk!! I cannot tolerate my mother listening to the TV anymore so I shut myself up in my room where it is quieter. She has to listen to it almost full blast because she is deaf and I just cannot tolerate it. My head still feels like it is underwater. I don’t think it is because of migraine activity because I don’t have a headache. I still am congested and I HATE it. I rather have the annoyances of a cough than have head congestion. Least with a cough you can take medicine for it but congestion, HA, I have tried everything and nothing works. The only thing that does that lasts but for a few hours is my nasal spray.

I talked with my therapist today. I told her I was still planning and scheming to end my life. She wanted details of my demise and I asked her why she wanted them. She gave me some bullshit about her just wanting to know. I was too sick to argue with her so I told her. I then told her about my conflict about my mother and my friend who is depending on me to be there to help her with her writing. I sometimes feel that I can put off killing myself because of these two people and then I get the fuck its and don’t really care. Plan back on. If it sounds like I am ambivalent, I guess I am. Planning your death is not easy. There are many variables you have to account for. And stupid me, I have let the one variable (therapist) in on it. Now my therapist wants me to tell my psychiatrist. I can’t tell her because I know I will be involuntarily hospitalized. If not now, then I know around the time I am to do the deed.

I was also telling my therapist today that I just feel this need to do this more than anything in the world. I don’t know why. I just know that I cannot go on like this. I am tired of always being in the dumps, being in pain, and not being able to walk more than a few blocks. I have tried to cope, to pretend that all is right and that I can make it but I am still struggling for air and I just feel my time has come to an end. I know I will leave a book unpublished but I have my blog. I hope it will be enough.

Since I have been sick, I have not had my coffee all week. Not that it matters anyways as it hurts to swallow. It seems to be all fine after I take my pain pill but sometimes it still hurts and it is so driving me crazy. I wish I had popsicles. I know those would soothe my throat. I have ice cream sandwiches but they aren’t the same.

My endo doc ordered blood work and when I brought it up to my psychiatrist, she wanted some things too. I wanted to get it done Tuesday but because I wasn’t feeling well, it slipped my mind. I am going to try and get it done tomorrow. I have to be fasting so that means I can’t have my coffee. Which is so going to suck! I can take it with me though. I think that is what I will do. Though I don’t see the point as who cares if my cholesterol is high when in less than two months, I plan on being in the ground.

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sleeplessness and mania

Posted on Wednesday,12 June,2013 by

I have been up since 0130. I have tried going back to sleep but it has been a useless battle. My throat is still hurting but I don’t see my primary until next week. I feel silly making an appointment a week apart.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the symptoms I have been having. I told her about the euphoria last week and now me not sleeping. I feel manic but I don’t have the euphoria to go with it. I also have been feeling under the weather still with this cold or allergies that I have. I am congested all in my head and my throat still hurts. I had therapy today and it was quite a treat. I couldn’t speak at normal volume because I still am hurting. I also told my psychiatrist I missed two days of meds because I couldn’t swallow. I still can’t swallow too good but it is better. Every thing doesn’t go down like rocks. So far I have not heard back from her and I am kind of worried when she doesn’t respond. I want to know what to do or if I should just do things on my own. I am really shocked that I only slept for about four hours with taking 1200 mg of Neurontin. That shit usually knocks me out for at least twelve hours.

I had my buffalo wings for lunch. I was so looking forward to them. I should have put them on broil for a few minutes to have them crispy but I was so hungry I said the hell with it. I have not eaten since yesterday. And I have been up for thirteen hours now. After I write this blog, I am going to try and take a nap. The Ativan I took a couple of hours ago has helped with the racing thoughts. I feel much calmer now but I still don’t see a sleep time in my future.

I had therapy today. That was fun. We mostly talked about me being sick and me being up for so long. I should have gone back to sleep this morning but I never did. I have been on my laptop and I finished watching “Lincoln” the movie. I started watching it last night but I fell asleep. This must have been around 9 or so. Then I wake up 0130 in pain. I texted my therapist most of the night giving her updates. I texted her at 0530 saying I was up and then again at 0630 the same thing. I gave up trying to go back I really did because it was morning anyways. But around 0930 I started to lose some gas so thought I would be able to snooze. Problem was my mother was not home and people were calling her non-stop. The phone just rang and rang, pissing me off. I finally got up to tell the idiot that she wasn’t home but they had stopped calling by the time I made it to my mother’s bedroom.

I have no idea what the hell is going on with my phone. Last week I was unable to make any calls going out. So had the sprint customer service guy go over my plan. I thought it was because I owed them money but I actually had a credit on the account. The guy asked if I got a new phone. I said no. I have had the same phone for over a year. He tells me to power it off and then power it on. I was grateful that he didn’t tell me to take the battery out because it is a bitch to take the cover off and put it back on. Once the phone was turned on, it says that it is connecting to the network activation like a new phone. I was like WTF. Just now I had a voicemail and it says that I have to customize my voicemail. HUH??? I got through the process like I have a new phone. So fucking weird I tell you. So I hope that now I don’t have any problems with my phone after all the updates and such. I still have all my apps and text messages, though I don’t remember hearing my old voicemail messages. Oh well. I don’t remember who called anyways.

The guy from the group psychotherapy called me. He wants to know if I am coming back or if this is it. I am going to tell him it is over. I can’t go back to the group because it just isn’t for me. I was getting wicked suicidal after each session so I know that it wasn’t working out like I had planned. I never felt that way with my other groups.

My throat is still hurting me. It hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I try to clear it, and it hurts just doing nothing. My pain meds help take the pain away so I am happy about that. I just want it to go away NOW. I hate having a cold. And if that is what I have I will be overdosing on vitamin D until this goes away. Vitamin D boosts the immune system with a cytokine that actually helps respiratory infections. I did a lot of research with vitamin D when I was working with researchers so I know a little something about this awesome vitamin. I know that part of the reason I got sick was because I had stopped taking it. I didn’t mean to stop, I just forgot to add it to my pill pack.

I was going to work on my book today but I think I will work on my other project, my Lyrics. It is a compilation of songs that have meaning for me so I write the lyrics down and then I will write what they mean to me. I think it is a good exercise in writing, one that has not been done before, least to my current knowledge. I doubt that I will get it published because of copyrights and such but I can always keep the notebook I am writing in. the copyright people don’t have to know. I often wonder how artists and writers are able to go to the publishers and get the copyrights for their books. Kay Redfield Jamison is one of those authors that uses other people’s work in her books. I wonder if her editor helps her with that or if they contact the publishing company, because most of what she writes the people are dead. For example, she wrote about a letter that Edgar Allan Poe wrote. Pretty difficult to get his permission to publish in her book as he has been dead for over a hundred years.

Poe is one of my favorite authors. I have not read all his works. When I saw the Movie the raven, I revisited his works on the topics they were covering and they were quite strange and creepy. I couldn’t finish reading it. Rats eating a man because he was there with them. Gross! The rats didn’t kill him but the thought of them feasting on him because they were looking for food just freaked me out and I couldn’t read anymore because the man went insane. I forget the rest of the story but it wasn’t good. No my favorite Poe story is the tell-tale heart. I read that in my freshman year of high school and was a Poe lover from then on. I never got to read murder in the Rue morgue but maybe someday I will. I have a lot of time on my hands these days because I don’t work. But reading can be difficult to do at times especially when the depression is bad and you can’t think. I started a book, several actually, and have not finished one except for the books that I had to write reviews for. Even though I have the time, I just don’t manage it wisely. I rather be on Facebook playing my games than read. Though there have been times that I have been bored with Facebook and decided to read any ways. My mother thinks that because I am in my room all the time I am sleeping. She doesn’t know that I am working on my writing or reading or just being on the computer. She tells me that I sleep too much. HA! If only I truly did!! It’s now been almost fourteen hours that I have been up on four hours sleep. But even though I am tired, I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I am just too restless. My brain is not racing but it is over tired like I am. But I am going to try sleeping anyway so that maybe this cold that I have has a chance of spending less time with me.

Until the next time…

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rambling 42

Posted on Wednesday,12 June,2013 by

It’s two thirty in the morning and I woke up an hour ago in pain. I have been sick the past few days with a sore throat and the throat pain is what woke me up. I just took some pain pills because the anesthetic lozenge that I just sucked on did shit. So now that I am up and can’t go back to sleep just yet, I thought I would write a blog.

For the first time in years, I actually was able to cancel my therapy appointment for yesterday. I wish I could cancel today as I still can’t talk without it hurting. I know that I should probably go to the doctors but I know they are just going to say it is a cold and send me off with just drink lots of fluids and rest my voice. But this sucks being in pain that wakes you up. I am congested so I know I have a cold.

The reason I say that it has been years since I have had to cancel an appointment with my therapist is that she usually does not allow me to cancel ANY appointments. But seeing as I can’t talk, that is a problem. All of this started with a single fucking sneeze. I swear I am not making this up. I sneeze a hard sneeze and much have done something to my throat. I know it will be a few days before it gets better. But these nights where I am waking up early in the morning in pain I am not liking!!

Since I have been out of it most of the time, I have not thought of killing myself. I am having a hard time thinking with all the congestion in my head. My head feels like it is either underwater or like a 100 pound brick.

As I have not listened to music in a long while, I am listening to Pandora as I don’t know when I am going to go back to sleep. It is so difficult being sick and being up at these late hours. My mother has really pissed me off because she just doesn’t get that it hurts to talk. Today I tried to explain it to her on a notepad and when I actually said something which caused me pain, she said that I was a phoney bologna. I got really ticked off. I still am. So when she wanted something done I just ignored her. I had to go out to see my father’s oncologist. He has liver cancer and I had to go with him to find out about this pain that he is having. His CT scan was clear, though he still has the same tumors. Talking him three hours while waiting was the most painful part of the day. I just wanted to go home so bad and go back to bed.

That is the other thing that pisses me off with my mother is that she thinks that because I am in my room, I sleep all day. Sometimes that is true but it is not. I am usually on my laptop playing my games or writing emails or papers or my blog. If I am not on my laptop, I am writing in my journal or reading a book. The only reason I am in here is because it is quiet. My mother watches TV really loud because she is deaf and it annoys the crap out of me so I stay in my room to get away from the noise, unless I go to Starbucks for my coffee. But I am just usually out for a few hours before I feel the need to come back home. I don’t know why I just can’t spend more than an hour or two at Starbucks. Sometimes I just get my coffee and then come home rather than spend the time writing or reading there. Yesterday I spent some time reading the book Why people die by suicide. I still am taking my time reading this book because it comes so close to home. It is a good book and I am learning the reason why I have not attempted suicide these past few years even though I have thought and planned it in great detail. I still am planning on doing it soon. This time I really don’t care if I fall in the category people say. I just am going to do it regardless of how I am feeling. I feel I have to do this because it is my only way out. I can’t take the pain in my ankle every day and I know it’s not going to get better. I know that I am going to leave a lot of things undone, like my cell phone and such. But I need to get out of this hole that I am in. I can’t take being in pain every day. I just can’t cope with it. I also can’t take being disabled at 37 and I don’t want to turn 38. Chronic pain sucks. It also sucks that I can no longer walk more than a few blocks without pain. It really hurts because there was a time that I was able to walk great distances and to be able to do the Walk for Hunger, which is 20 miles. Now I am lucky to walk six to seven blocks.

Meds are kicking in so I guess I will stop here for now.

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book reviews and baseball

Posted on Monday,10 June,2013 by

Starting to feel better finally from this weird throat thing that I have. Now I am just congested with either a cold or allergies. My throat pain finally dissipated sometime this morning so I can swallow a little better but my head just feels like it is underwater. The pressure is incredible. I just took a bunch of pills to make it go away, from decongestants to antihistamines to Tylenol.

I am still debating getting out of the house and going to the ATM to get me a steak and cheese sub. I am starving as I have not really eaten anything in two days. The good news is that I lost some weight and hope it stays off. My appetite has not been what is has been since lowering my anti-psychotic meds. Since I have been having trouble swallowing the past two nights, I haven’t really been taking my meds. It just hurt too much. I just hope there isn’t a big backlash to that.

I am hoping to catch a nap today as I woke up at 3 in the morning in pain again, this time it was my throat and not my ankle. I am really tired and maybe that is why I feel so sluggish. I know not eating has something to do with that as well. I had a bowl of cereal today and it went down ok. But now I am not hungry, even though I really want a steak and cheese sub. I still have some time though to get it. I might get it for dinner unless my mother makes something that isn’t pasta. I am sick of pasta.

I have been feeling blue most of the day. I don’t really know why. I guess I still am not feeling myself and am not looking forward to going to my father’s appt tomorrow. I wish I could get out of it but someone has to take him because he doesn’t read English and someone has to be there with him to know what is going on. He can’t be trusted to remember what the doctors say to him because he gets confused, but then he is 81 years old…

I am doing a favor for my friend in writing a review for her books. Her book about dog companionship has me going into her life more than I already know about her. It is kind of fun reading it because she has some fun dog stories which I am sure were not fun at the time they happened. On the back cover of the book cover, is a man in an ’04 Red Sox Championship T-shirt holding a puppy. It is the cutest and the pic took me back to when my boys won that Series. It brings tears to my eyes still every time I write about it, but then baseball stories will do that to me. I had watched the DVD of the ’07 Series and cried all through it because I remember what the team went through to get to the World Series and sweep the Rockies in the end. Good times!!

Tonight my Sox are playing Tampa Bay. I hate that team. Can’t stand the manager at all, never have. It used to be that it was the weakest link the in the AL East but now they have become challengers for contention over the years. I don’t know how that happened! Now the weakest link in the AL is the Houston Astros. What I still can’t believe is that the Milwaukee Brewers are still a team. I thought they would have phased out long ago but since they have been on the National League, they never play Boston anymore so it’s easy to forget they exist.

My friend in Chicago has just started graduate studies for a doctoral degree in psychology. I told him I would help him anyway I could so I am sending, or will be sending him, a couple of Jobes books to him for his interest in suicide. I think that the books I will be sending him should be standard textbooks for all those in the mental health field, not just in the field of psychology. I may be biased because I am a HUGE Jobes fan but as long as there is interest in the field, I say go for it!! I would like to consider myself the Jobes representative in the East coast, LOL.

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sucky weekend

Posted on Sunday,9 June,2013 by

I didn’t know if I would post today or not. I have been ill with a sore throat that is kicking my butt with fevers and such. Luckily the outside temp is not really brutal. It started Friday night with a sneeze and my throat has been sore since. I just got some relief with some pain pills so I thought I would write, though there is nothing exciting to really write about.

The hard part is trying to have a conversation with my deaf mother. I have to be a little more vocal and it hurts right now. I don’t understand how I could be running a fever when all I did was sneeze really hard. I guess the blow of a sneeze cannot be underestimated. I once threw my back out because of a sneeze.

I am supposed to do go with my father to his doctor’s appointment Tuesday. I hope that I can also keep my therapy appointment that day but it’s all wait and see right now. I know I will go to my dad’s appt but not sure I will have a voice for therapy.

I watched the CMT music awards tonight that I recorded from the other night. What really made my throat hurt was swearing loudly when Miranda Lambert won over Taylor Swift. That stupid bitch wins all the awards. I don’t get it. I swear by now the ballot pool is rigged so that she wins and no one else does. My poor Taylor has not won an award since Miranda has been “popular”. I can’t stand her because I just can’t. I don’t know why. She just seems like a trashy white girl and I don’t like that.

Since I have been incapacitated by this sore throat and fevers, I have not thought about ending my life. It is weird when you have a physical ailment, all your mental thoughts go out the window. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. But I’ll take it for now.

I finished my Australian Pen Pal book and wrote a review for it. I will post it on Amazon sometime tomorrow. I am too wiped out today to go through the process of reviewing. I hope it helps my friend. I am reading her other book, Ginger’s Gift, about dog companionship now. So far it is a good book. Even though I am not a true dog lover (I like dogs but would never have one to own), I can understand how challenging a first time owner would be with a neurotic dog!

Well my meds are kicking in now and everything is getting blurry so I will stop here for now. Until tomorrow!

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