random 251

Went out today. First time since my PT appointment on Wednesday. I wish I could say that it was because of pain that kept me in, but it was more the weather being shitty and my mood being low. We are supposed to have another snow storm come tomorrow night, which means I might not have therapy on Tuesday. If school is canceled on account of snow, my therapy is canceled. It doesn’t happen too often but she lives right in the middle of where the storm is going to hit. I definitely won’t be going out that day. I just hope everything is cleaned up so I can go out Wednesday. I have therapy and PT that day. Going to be fun!

I was thinking over my finances and I don’t think I am going to get everything I plan on getting. I am just afraid that if I go ahead an buy the things that I am storing, I won’t have enough for my meds and groceries. Those things need to come first. And I will have to get the expensive antipsychotic this month. Think I will get those things first and whatever is left over, hopefully will be enough to get a printer. I will also be having lunch with my high school friend. I am kind of hoping he pays but we might have to split the bill, which I don’t mind. I purposely made it for this week that I am getting paid so I will have money. I am also going to see if I can get a monthly pass this month for the bus and train. I totally exceeded the $20 this month going to PT and back. It costs me more than going to Starbucks because I have to take the train. I also need to save some money for glasses some time this year.

I am feeling low today. My father really pissed me off. He just was ornery and I hate when he is ornery and picks on me. We were at a pizza parlor, having lunch and he accused me of drinking all the Pepsi. I only had one glass, but poured the last of it for my sister. He is just an ignorant asshole. I fucking hate him.

I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up around 0230 in pain. I wasn’t able to get back to sleep till after 0400. Then my sister texted me around 0930 and I had to get up to see jerk face. I am glad I only see him once a week. I am really tired and want to take a nap but my mother just had a hypo experience so I need to be awake in case she needs me for something.

I need to get a haircut this week. That has to be a priority. I don’t know when exactly but I am hoping to do it sometime on Thursday. Maybe after my lunch date with my friend. I will be getting another flat top. My hair is not long but the wisps when I put on my baseball hat drives me crazy.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Waking up in pain is so much fun, NOT

Around 0230, I woke up with my ankle throbbing. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Now I am up, least until the pain meds kick in, which I hope will be soon.

I returned an email to a fellow blog reader. In the email I told her of how I am using getting a new printer as a reward for my increase in blog post reading and good writing in general. I don’t really feel proud of myself for accomplishing this feat, but it has been more than a year since I gave myself a reward. My writing partner gives herself a reward almost every month for her writing achievement. I figured getting a printer should be considered a reward for myself. It may seem silly, but I know it will be good to print stuff off. I will add to my paper piles! And besides, I know that I will need to print stuff off for my taxes so this way here I am really benefiting myself.

I also told her that being happy is basically a myth. No one is ever happy all the time. It is something we strive for but I don’t believe anyone can get it. I spent years trying to be happy and all it got me was more hurt and resentment. And what I found is that happiness is a fleeting emotion that doesn’t like to stick around. Instead, I try to be content as that seems more doable. I do things that make me happy, like go to Starbucks for my latte or mocha. It’s the little things that lead to contentment. And if we are content in life, then we have achieved our goal. No one can take that away from us. Right now I am too depressed to be content. I am thinking about killing myself again. I don’t know if I will last the year. I have rope that I have bought for this purpose, sitting in my office. It is not staring at me, but I think about it often. So I write about it and hope that it lessens. I put great thought into buying the rope. I just hope I don’t use it.

Was talking with a couple of my CES buddies. I told them I hurt because I did my PT exercises. My friend said that it is like flogging a dead horse. I think she is right. But I will do them in the hopes that the pain will ease in time. I just can’t do all 6 of them at once. I need to rest in between sets and exercises. I can do the easy ones with no problem, it’s just the ankle ones that I have issue with. I don’t know if my ankle will regain the strength after so many years of being weak. It’s not a great weakness. Just a 4 out of 5. But when it becomes fatigued is when I have trouble. It doesn’t want to work at all then. I found that out on Thursday when I was hurting all day.

Well my pain has decreased and between the meds and Ativan, I am getting sleepy. Here is hoping that I sleep more than three hours.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sound of a Million Dreams

Sound of a million dreams

I heard this song today and it got me thinking about stuff, like it always does. Song is by David Nail. One of the lines is, “I labor for hours because I know the power of song when a song hits you right”. It reminds me of the song that I analyzed and wrote about a few years ago. I have it published on my blog and I hope that one day it will be in a journal of some sort. Maybe when I get my degree.

I am so tired today. I haven’t done anything. I should be making space for this new printer I plan on getting this week. Damn ink is going to cost more than the printer! It will be good to get a printer again, a working one! I have two right now that are junk. I plan on putting them on my front lawn and say “FREE”. They will be done in no time. Only problem is that it snowed today so I can’t put them out yet. I am NOT putting this new printer in my office. It gets too hot in there because my mother keeps the door shut all the time. It will dry out the ink really quick and I don’t want that happening to my new ink. I just hope there isn’t an ink fiasco like I have had at work installing new printer cartridges. Seems I get more ink on my hands than I do in the printer!

I have been quiet on Twitter today. I really don’t have much to say. I found out that the AFSP (American Foundation of Suicide Prevention) has finally fucking recognized ‘lived experiences’. They have designated some blue ribbon in recognition of this. I commented a little about it on Twitter but not too much. I know that suicide can be a sore subject for those that have survived a suicide. I am going through that with the loss of my friend Chris.

I bought a gallon of spring water and it is still sitting on my bed. I plan on filling up my used water bottles, that is the plan anyway. I don’t drink as much water as I should but once I get thirsty, sucking down water is easy.

I’m in minimal pain today. Though I am so damn sleepy. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up at 0430. Then 0630. I forced myself back to sleep and woke up a few hours later. I shut my phone off so I didn’t get distracted. I knew my father was going to call sometime after 0900 to see when I was going to come over. But it was really snowy and icy so I decided to stay home. I am surprised I didn’t get any delay alerts for the buses today. I am glad they are running on time. I hope they run on time tomorrow so I can quickly see my father and then leave. I hate spending time with him. He is so vain. The world revolves around him. I can’t stand him but I have to put up with him.

I am still waiting for my tax information from Amazon about my book. I still am not sure if I am going to go to H&R block or try and do the taxes myself. Last year I didn’t file because all I collected was my disability check. I think I might get in trouble because I didn’t file my state. Our state says that you need to file to make sure you have health insurance or you get penalized. But I didn’t file for my federal so figured I didn’t have to for my state. I will owe this year because of my book sales. I just hope it’s not a lot of money.

And the memes for Deflategate still keep coming. I wish I could block the content of every single one, but then I will greatly decrease my readership of the people I have known for a year now. I wish the Superbowl was this weekend so it would finally end. And it’s always the Pats that seem to get stuck with the ridiculousness of stupidity. Nevermind the NFL is full of wife beaters, rape assholes, and dog abusers. That is ok. But fucking play with a deflated ball and holy hell breaks loose.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Random 231

I spent the day sleeping. I haven’t been sleeping well the past week, mostly due to pain. Today, I think I pretty much got caught up on it. I just hope I can sleep through the night. That is always a challenge when you take a 3 hour nap during the day.

I haven’t had dinner yet and I am not really hungry. What I want (cinnamon rolls), I can’t have, so think I am just going to take my meds and go back to sleep.

I have been following Wil Wheaton’s wife, Anne for a while now. I don’t really know why I followed her on Twitter. She just cracks me up and I need laughter in my life. She fostered a puppy 6 weeks ago and she is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. It has been a pleasure watching her grow up. When she was first found, she was only 5 pounds and skin and bones. She was very malnourished. Now, she is 19 pounds and is getting bigger. If you are on Twitter, follow Anne to get more PUPDATES (as she calls them). They will make your day.

I haven’t been on Twitter as much since Deflategate has run rampant. Every one and their mother is commenting on how the Patriots cheated. But how could they have known the balls were deflated when even the refs were handling them?? It is just stupid media gone wild. I mean, even the Discovery channel posted a commentary on it. THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Who does that?? People who want money, that is who. I just wish the investigation can conclude and there be an end to this madness. You know it is a circus when even the baseball writers want a piece of the action. It’s just ridiculous! I rather go back to the regular Twitter feeds of ISIS beheadings, the Boko Harum capturing Nigerians, and other injustices of the world.

Tomorrow, a snow storm is supposed to hit. I might have to go out in it to go to my father’s to fill his medication boxes. If it is really bad out, I might wait until Sunday.

I think it is really funny when I get kids junk mail. Today I got a booklet of kids stuff for 5 and younger, wanting me to subscribe to their thing. I just trashed it. My youngest is nine and I don’t think she would like kids stuff.

So I have been participating in a study using a phone app. It’s about mood behaviors. And it’s supposedly keeps track of everything you do with your phone. I’ll do anything to help researchers know what it is like living like this. It asks a bunch a questions every day, once a day. Then it calculates your walking for the day. I walked 17 minutes today when I went out to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. It was the only walking that I did. Yesterday I had zero because I didn’t leave the house, or rather my phone didn’t leave my room. I don’t know if it counts the stairs that I do. It would be great if it did but I think it just senses motions through GPS outside the house. Oh well.

My pain has been minimal today, though now that it is night time, my ankle is starting to act up. I didn’t do too much today so I don’t understand why it is bothering me. But then, if I knew the formula to make it stop hurting, I wouldn’t be in pain so much. Who knows, maybe I could sell it and be rich.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment



This song is one of Pearl Jam’s greatest hits.

I have enrolled in a study from the UK about mood and depression. It monitors phone activity. For example, according to it’s sensors (GPS on my phone), I walked for 37 mins yesterday. I don’t know how accurate that is because I know that if I did walk continuously for 30 mins, I would be hurting really bad.

Yesterday I had PT. The therapist had me do six different exercises. My foot was so fatigued after doing just one set of ten on each that on the way back to the train station, my ankle exploded in pain. I knew I was in trouble. And my ankle continued to hurt the rest of the day. It is still throbbing but not as bad as it was last night. I had trouble walking down the stairs and had to use my cane to get around the house. Any type of pressure or weight I put on it, just caused me more pain. The PT wants me to do these exercises every day. Well, I will but not today. Today is a day of rest. I had wanted to walk to Walgreens, which is only a couple blocks from my house, but didn’t want to risk being in more pain. I really haven’t left my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. Doing stairs is painful, but not as much as last night.

I also had my therapy appt, which was after my PT session. I am glad I had it in the comfort of my home so I could put my foot up and take my pain medication. Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 0330 so by 1230, the time for my therapy, I was getting to be toast. We talked about my friend that died, how I knew him and stuff. I think for the first time in a LONG time, I talked almost the entire 50 minutes. My therapist was listening, which in and of itself, is weird because she likes to talk.

I wrote two blogs yesterday and was shocked with the response from one of them. I guess my writing about something dear to me as suicide is a good thing. One of my blog followers commented on it and then reblogged it because it angered her as much as it angered me.

I can’t seem to write today. Just am feeling so down it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the words out. I haven’t been into my game all day. I was trying to find old missions that I could do as I am almost caught up. I have a shit load of crops I got to request to finish the missions I have, which is two pages. The rest are stuff I just need coins for so I can buy the crops. They are expensive so have 3 million coins doesn’t get you very far. I have 29B coins in my bank but you can only withdraw 100K at a time. Wish I knew that before I made such huge deposits, but then, I didn’t think I would need so many coins. There is one crop that helps me build up my account and it’s a short crop, which is good. I don’t have to wait all day for it to harvest.

I seriously want to kill myself one day. I don’t know if it will be this week or this year but I am so tired of “being”. Being in pain the last three days has really soured my mood. All I can think about is death and dying. I really don’t feel like I am making a contribution to anything, like my therapist says I do. I just feel like I am a lump on a log, and a stationary one at that.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicidality | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments


why by Rascal Flatts

This song has been in my head since I found out my friend killed himself. I still can’t get over that someone that I know died by suicide. Since hearing that song, all I did was cry for his loss. I have been up since 0330 so I am a little emotional.

Posted in suicide | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

more rants on suicide

More Rants on Suicide

Have I mentioned how much I love Twitter? It brings me on the front lines of any suicide articles. I recently have two rants that I will discuss that I have read today concerning suicide and suicide prevention.

The first is a Washington Post article about a guy that wrote an email detailing his suicide, to multiple journalists. All he wanted was acknowledgement and validation of his work that he published in the 70s. What did these journalists do? NOTHING. Until it was too late. The author of the article asked “what was she supposed to do”? Answer: TALK TO THE PERSON! This guy waited several hours for a response before he jumped to his death. He was obviously waiting, desperately, for some kind of response to acknowledge his statements. And when he didn’t, he died. He died a needless death because these journalists didn’t take him seriously. The author states she got the email late, and he was in Japan, she was in the states, so went to sleep! Then when she woke up hours later, she decided to pursue the matter. In those precious hours, she could have responded with something, anything. All she had to do was hit reply. A one liner was, in my mind, all that was needed. It angers me that this guy was obviously in distress and was blatantly ignored. I hope this journalist learned her lesson. That suicide intentions of any kind are not to be ignored.

The second piece was about how psychiatrists deal with suicide. In the article, the author found it difficult to find someone to talk to about this. It was not talked about. Also in the article, it mentions her friend, who happened to be hospitalized for severe depression because she kept attempting suicide. Her friend had a therapist, that after she attempted, hung her out to dry. She didn’t want to treat her anymore. So now her friend is without outpatient care. She has not been able to find a therapist to deal with her suicidality. Because once you mention the “S” word, no one wants to deal with you. I have found this out myself. When my therapist permanently located to her current office 30 miles away from and my car broke down, permanently, I tried to find a therapist within a 5 mile radius of my house. I talked to 10 different therapists. ALL referred me to another therapist once they inquired about my suicidality. Because I had and was currently suicidal, they didn’t want anything to do with me. Then when I was able to find someone in my hometown, he was sweating bullets whenever I brought up my suicidality. How was I supposed to talk to him when it was obvious he was scared of losing me? I said fuck that and went back to my current therapist. We have phone conversations and I see her whenever I can borrow my sister’s car.

This article cited sources from the AAS and Dr. Paul Quinnett, two of my favorite sources. I commented on the article because it was dear to me. I know first hand the stigma around mental health professionals when a patient dies by suicide. I have read countless articles about it. It is a very difficult topic. And once a patient dies by suicide, it scars the practitioner for life. I have had many discussions with my therapist about what would she do if I died. She couldn’t fathom it, nor talk about it. I once brought her an article about what to do if I should die. She rejected it. And this is from someone who welcomes everything I bring her and hoards what I give her. I wanted her to know there were resources out there to help. She wanted no part of it. And this article highlighted that. Most professionals that lose a patient to suicide are alone, but they don’t need to be. As survivor resources that the AAS provides become more widely known, therapists are being helped by their peers and healing can occur.

Posted in suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Loss of a friend

Back when I was a late teen, I came out as gay. I joined BAGLY, Boston Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Youth. It was a great place to discuss coming out and get support. I was fortunate to befriend Chris. He was such a good friend. Though I had to leave BAGLY because I reached the age limit, I still had brief contact with Chris over the years. We lost touch but then Facebook reunited us. Sadly, I learned this weekend he took his life.

Usually I am happy when someone dies by suicide because they are no longer suffering. I didn’t know that side of Chris. He recently became engaged to his long time partner and he seemed to be happy. I had no idea, even back when I first knew him, he had mental health issues. I am saddened by his loss. I am going to miss his smile. I hope he is in a better place.

Posted in depression, mental illness, suicide | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Random 743

Had therapy today. About 40 mins in, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I get bored easily in therapy. Sometimes I can talk through, no problem. But other times, it’s like pulling teeth trying to come up with conversation. Luckily, my therapist asked some questions so the last ten minutes flew. We talked about my blogs that I sent her. She said she doesn’t know how I write on serious topics so well. I had sent her my Zero suicide and my Twitter rant. The Twitter rant was just a bunch of my tweets strung together to make a paragraph. I just rambled on Twitter one morning because I felt like I had to get things off my chest.

The zero suicide blog was again, something to get off my chest. I didn’t think it was that great but my therapist thought so. She said my writing is getting better. I guess writing every day does that to you.

I got another migraine today, this one not as bad as yesterday. I didn’t go out today because my bowels were unpredictable. And I would have to shower. I don’t feel like showering. I will have to sometime tonight or tomorrow morning as I have PT. My ankle is still smarting so I haven’t done any exercises. I tried doing the rolling ankle and it hurt too much. I wish I knew what I did to cause this damn flare up. But I was just sitting, watching the football game, when the pain started. Drives me up a damn wall. If I don’t have a pain syndrome, I must be losing my mind.

So there has been some problems with my royalties from other countries. I don’t understand what the problem is as there was GBP deposited into my account a few months ago, but yet the Canadian dollar cannot be processed. This was from August and I am just receiving notification of it now. I called my bank and found out that only USD can be deposited into my account. But that is what IS being deposited. And don’t they have the currency exchanged?? I changed banks so I am hoping that solves the problem. If not, I am not sure what I am going to do. My writing partner is baffled because she has had deposits from Australia in her bank with no problem. I hope that I don’t have to open an international checking account just for my royalties. It will suck because I never know how many books are going to sell in a month. Because of this mishap, I no longer can use my other checking account like I have. I will have to transfer money from my current account to the other. Which is a pain because it takes 5 business days to complete the transfer. This is the problem of being an author, an international one at that!

Ankle is starting to throb again. I just realized that I have to request my pain medication soon. I am glad I don’t have to have an office visit again until next month. That gives me some time to try and lose a few pounds. I have been trying but it’s been hard with this depression lingering over me and craving sweets, which have been abundant with the holidays. I just finished the last of the sugar cookies my niece made before she went back to college. College. My little baby is in college. I don’t know where the last 19 years have gone. She was a preemie and now is an adult. A smart adult. Going to college.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Away from the sun

Away from the sun

This is one of my favorite songs that perfectly describes what I feel when I am in the black cloud of depression. The song is by 3 doors down.

I have been feeling down all day because I have been in pain since 0400. I some how managed to sleep for about an hour or so but I have been pretty much been up since around 0800. I have been occupying my time by playing my game and reading stuff on the web. I found an interesting article that Lenaars wrote about Shneidman. My previous blog today had to do with Zero suicide, which is next to impossible to accomplish in reality. I equated what I wrote about Shneidman to my thoughts about having no suicides.

Because I have been in pain all day, I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I have been really sleepy, at times, for most of the day. I also got a migraine early this morning and it seems the world was against me as my mother’s phone kept ringing and someone was using a chainsaw outside. It was either a chainsaw or they were flying a small plane. It was so fricken loud. I really thought my head was going to explode. I took my meds and then I got really tired when my head calmed down. I thought I would have to go to the ER as the left side of my face was starting to get numb. Luckily, when the meds started working, my face went back to normal. It has been a really long time since I got a bad migraine like today. I am just glad my vision wasn’t affected.

So between my foot/ankle hurting like a SOB and my head wanting to explode, I have been in a bad mood. Thoughts of suicide has been floating in and out. Mostly, I have been wanting to do something to my ankle to make it stop hurting. Pain has been between a 7&9 on a scale of 1-10. I have been trying to keep off it but I can’t stay in my room all day. I needed to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. I made coffee to try and keep me awake but lately, coffee has had the opposite affect on me. It’s like taking a sedative. After my migraine attack, I got anxious. Like almost full blown panic attack. My chest hurt and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I took an Ativan to calm down. I still am fighting serious sleep. But I will be going to bed early tonight. I counted out my pills tonight so I don’t have to play a guessing game on what pill to take and what not to take. Last night, I just took my hormone pill, my mood stabilizer, and baclofen. I couldn’t bare to take anything else. I was hurting and I couldn’t stand too long to take the 10 or so pills I needed to take. When I was counting my pills, I added vitamin D and Omega 3. I usually take them every other week. I take D because I am deficient, like most of the US. I also believe it helps ward off the cold and other viruses that you can get.

I hope I can make it till 2000. I am so tired and right now I have about an hour to go till I can get to bed. I just hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I fucking hate when I sleep for a few hours and the I am up. I would try and stay up late but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have been taking too many meds to try and stay up longer than 2000.

Because my ankle has been a fuck all day, I didn’t do my PT exercises. There was no way I could do them as just moving it to go up and down the stairs caused me great pain. I hope it will be okay for tomorrow because I really want to get a latte. I also hope that my appt with my therapist goes well. I am kind of nervous because I have told her how suicidal I have been feeling. I let my pdoc know via email, but I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to have to email her soon because I need a refill on my meds, again.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression | Tagged , , , , , , , | 12 Comments