random nothingness

I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.

I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.

I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.

When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.

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random 345

Our power just went out. It has been a long day for me and I am glad the power is gone because that means I can possibly take a nap without the internet distracting me. I find it hard to sleep when there are new messages from Twitter. I am so addicted to it and my game.

I was supposed to go with my sister today for my father’s appointment. I wasn’t feeling good as my throat hurt and my nose was all clogged up. I think I am getting a fricken cold. Just what I need. I also haven’t been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. It is killing me. I can’t remember the last time I slept even 6 hours straight. What kills me is that my meds should knock me out solid for the night but they don’t anymore. The new medication I started a few days ago should knock me out but it doesn’t. I don’t know if it is doing anything for me anyways. I have noticed no change in my pain and swelling. I am still sore from PT yesterday. My calves are killing me from the stretching exercises. I haven’t done all my exercises today. I just did the ones were you bring your toes up while sitting down. I also tried the balancing but I couldn’t stand too long on my left foot, not even for 15 secs because my foot was using every muscle to try and keep my balance and it hurt doing it. The only exercise I didn’t do was the stretching of the calf. I am sore, as I said, and didn’t want to tax my calf more than it already is. I will do all three exercises tomorrow, if my foot pain isn’t too great.

I went to Starbucks despite feeling like I got a cold. I needed coffee. I also wanted a chance to get out of the house and back to my routine. I sat and had my latte while writing in my journal until the next bus came. I didn’t write consistently in my journal. I had to email my pdoc because I am running out of my Ativan. She still has not responded and is pissing me off. I am tempted to page her to get her to do what I want but that sounds pathetic. But it will beat playing the email game. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow morning, I will page her to get my script and an appointment with her.

I made an appointment for my eyes in the next few weeks. I have been noticing some vision changes when I switch glasses, from my bifocal to my single vision. I don’t know how I am going to afford a new pair of glasses but I will figure it out. I always do.

I have been in pain most of the day and I have been really tired. But I haven’t been able to nap. Last night, I went to bed before 9 and I woke up at 1. Went back to sleep at 2 only to wake up around 6. It sucked. So despite wanting to take a nap right now, I am trying to avoid it and sleep around 10 or 11 pm. My body is not going to like staying up that late but I really don’t want to go to bed at 9 and wake up around 2 am again. I don’t know why my limit seems to be 4-5 hours of sleep lately. I hope it changes tonight.

I mailed out my book to the American Association of Suicidology today. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know if it will be well received or tossed out. There is no way of me knowing. And I don’t know how long the process is going to be. I am taking a huge chance with them. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.

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TS, PT, and anxiety

Taylor Swift day

At midnight, Taylor Swift released her fifth album, 1989. Sadly, I don’t have funds to purchase this album yet so I have been in a funk all day. I have been watching her on TV hoping she would sing a song but it’s mostly talking that she is doing, not that I mind. I love hearing about her life and how she creates her songs. She is very personable and she gives back to her fans which is a unique quality of hers. How many artists invite their fans to their living room?? None that I know of, other than Taylor. I have to wait a month to get the CD. I hope I can wait that long.

I went to physical therapy today, against my better judgment. I am hurting but not as bad as I was expecting. I probably will hurt more later when I want to go to sleep for the night. Getting there was a challenge as there was a steep hill to walk up. I was out of breath and wheezing by the time I reached the top. And I was an hour early for my appointment. There was no way I could have prevented that as I had to take two buses to get there and I wasn’t sure where I had to get off on the second bus I had to take. But now I know. I don’t know if I am going to continue with it. The guy didn’t seem to interested in caring for me. And he gave me the same damn home exercises that I always have been using the past 13 fucking years. I feel like instead of stepping ahead, I went back. I am so disappointed. And what is worse, I know that these exercises aren’t going to do anything. If they worked, I would be fine. He also thinks that I don’t have foot drop and don’t need the AFO. Idiot doesn’t know that I turn my foot when my foot gets fatigued. He had me do exercises today that really taxed me. I had to stop after a few minutes of doing them because my foot exploded in pain. He didn’t do anything more than stretch my calves and tax my foot. The guy didn’t know how to use a reflex hammer. He tried testing my knee reflexes and he kept hitting my knee cap instead of the spot below it. Moron. I still have no ankle reflexes, yay me! My sensation was off, as I knew it would be. I really don’t think that after all this time, I am going to get it back. I really think that going to physical therapy is going to be a huge waste of time if I continue to get the same exercises I have been doing for years. But we’ll see. I see the guy next week and we’ll see if things change at all. In the meantime, I have to get this pain under control.

When I came home from the appointment, I felt winded. I didn’t do any inclines at all on the way home. Everything was level while walking home. But by the time I climbed the first flight of stairs, I felt like I ran up the stairs. I was wicked out of breath and that usually never happens unless I happen to hold my breath while going up. I don’t know why I have a habit of doing that. But this time I didn’t and I was coughing and wheezing. After a few minutes of rest, the wheezing stopped but the feeling of being short of breath didn’t go away. After I climbed the second flight of stairs to my room, I realized it was anxiety so I took some Ativan. Now the feeling is gone and I am breathing normal and not feeling out of breath or short of breath. I don’t know what brought this on as I really haven’t had anything to cause me anxiety. But I have had a lot of phone calls today that I had to make and that I received. I hope it wasn’t because of the cup of coffee I had this morning. After I drank it, I felt kind of nervous. It really gave me the jitters but it settled down once I got to the bus stop on the way to PT. I thought that it was gone but something set it off. I didn’t have anything caffeinated. I didn’t even have so much as water after I had my coffee. I ate when I came home as I skipped breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with toast and drank juice with it. It’s so weird for me to have anxiety and not know it. I am usually not an anxious person. But I am glad that the feeling went away with Ativan.

I am excited that my boxes of cereal came today along with my pumpkin spice and two books. I really don’t know why I bought the books as I have started numerous ones and have yet to finish one. But one is about graveyards so I thought I would read that starting on Halloween. We’ll see if I finish it.

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Football, Pain, and Social Media

Tomorrow I have a mess of phone calls to make and I need to get to the physical therapy (PT) appointment in the morning. I am really nervous about getting there and also just in general. I hope the guy is a good guy and not a shmuck. I have never been to this health center before so it will really be a test of my navigation to find the place. I will be going by public transportation and according to the T’s website, it is a block from the bus stop. I just hope it isn’t more than that as I might not be able to make it. I was talking to a friend that used to live in the area and she said there is a hill to go up. I don’t do well on walking uphill. I guess I will find out how steep it is when I get there tomorrow. Got to love Boston and its surrounding areas for being hilly.

Pain wise, I am hurting. I have decided that I won’t take any pain medication unless it become unbearable. I have no choice as my pain pill supply is on its last leg. I cannot refill my script until Tuesday and I have just four pills left. So as much as I really would love to take a pain pill right now, I can’t. This sucks so bad. If my doc would listen to me and actually give me the amount of pills I am taking a day, there wouldn’t be a problem. But he doesn’t so I get screwed.

My mood has been stable despite being in chronic pain the last few days. I haven’t been despondent and in despair. I have been trying to keep myself busy with my game and working on tweeting quotes from the book, “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes. I was tweeting last night before the OSU game. What a fucking game it was last night. A nail biter till the end. I couldn’t stand the crowd last night as the noise they were making was unreal. Even though the home team was down, they still were cheering as if they were winning. Got to give them credit for that as the team came back only to lose in overtime. It was the first football game I watched all season. In between commercials I switched to the ball game. I don’t know how many times the Giants had the bases loaded and they cashed in. I didn’t see the last few innings. Last I saw they had broken the tie and were winning 7-4. The final score was 11-4 so they obviously score more runs while I was watching the overtime football game. I don’t understand how the overtime game was played as they didn’t have a time clock for the plays and then the team lost on 4th down. They couldn’t punt or score a field goal as they needed a touchdown to win. After the loss of downs, the game was over. I never seen anything like it before. Maybe that is just the way college overtime is played.

I chatted tonight in BPDChat (borderline Personality Disorder) on Twitter. It is amazing to me how many chats I have participated in with Twitter. I really like it because I get to meet interesting people with the same thoughts and understanding for the different topics that I chat in. I like the SPSM chats because they deal with suicide prevention and from there I have met some interesting clinicians that I follow and they follow me. I also get to promote my book the best I can through Twitter via hashtags. I really love Twitter and all that it has done for me. It helps me know there are real people in the world that I can converse with and not be hidden by. I am alone most of the time in my room because of my immobility. I don’t have social meetings with friends anymore and the friends that I did have, I have lost. Most of it is because I don’t have a car anymore so meeting up with them has been difficult. I also don’t socialize with my family on some days because my pain is too great to go down the stairs. So social media (FB and Twitter) has been a great support for me.

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Saturday Blog 13

Saturday Blog 13

I am wicked sore today after all the poking and prodding the new doc did yesterday. But I persevered and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am supposed to take it only at night but I am in so much pain that I decided to try it during the day. So far, I notice no difference. I will take it tonight and I hope that with my other meds, I get to sleep. I am not sleepy at all from one dose and taking my pain meds. The new doc recommended that I wear a brace so I have that on, though I am ready to take it off because it is hurting me. I have had it on the last few hours so I need a break from it. It hasn’t been helpful for me. Going down the stairs hurts me more than going up with it on.

I think part of the reason I have not crashed is because I had coffee today. I still feel awake and like I can do anything, least mentally wise. I think I am going to write my therapist a letter when I finish this blog. I don’t know what I am going to write. But I will figure something out.

Last night I was in a rough space. The prognosis for my ankle doesn’t look good. The idea that I have to go back to physical therapy after all this time just makes me cringe. I just hope I don’t have a “god” like therapist. I want someone that is willing to work with me, not against me. I don’t know what they are going to do but we’ll see. I start therapy on Monday. I just hope I can find the place. I also hope that the therapist doesn’t treat me for a back injury like the last therapist did. I went to therapy for an obvious ankle injury not because my back was hurting yet I was given exercises for my back.

Due to this prospect, my mood took a hit. I really felt down because I know there is not really much that can be do for tendonitis other than what I have been doing. But the fact that more tendons are involved means that I am not moving my ankle correctly and I know that it is going to be painful to correct it. My stupid brother in law seems to think that I will need back surgery to correct it. He is a complete idiot when it comes to medical stuff. It really pissed me off when he said this because the damage is already done. I am trying to compensate for what I lost and that is why all my tendons are screwed up. And the thought of being in a hinged AFO forever is daunting. The fact that I have to walk with a mobile device is in itself depressing to me. And the fact that this happened almost 14 years ago kills me. I still blame myself for not getting the care I should have. I should have found someone that had experience in nerve rehab. But I was too busy trying to keep my job and stay sane so who had time for that? I didn’t know I wasn’t walking incorrectly. I was also busy fighting the pain of losing what I had and trying to gain it back. I thought, after several years, I was finally going to be okay. I was working close to full time and things were going okay until I got struck with CES again. Then all that I gained back, was lost, this time forever. But I was wiser this time around. I knew what kind of rehab I wanted to get better. And I seriously thought that after 9 months of intense physical therapy, I was better. I had no idea that I wasn’t. But I was too proud to admit that I wasn’t because I found a script from my neurologist saying to be evaluated for an AFO in 2008. If I had followed through, things might have not been as bad as they are today. And I am kicking myself big time for that. It’s my fault because I have no one else to blame.

OSU game will be on at eight on channel 5, least I hope it will. It said ABC so am hoping that is nationwide. I really would love to watch a college football game today. Nebraska killed Rutgers today, 42-24. But watching the game depends on how much pain I am in. Right now I am at an 8 and I am not doing anything but type up this blog. I have my foot up and it still hurts. I know that if I go down the stairs I will be in pain (I don’t have a TV in my room for several reasons). So right now, the game is up in the air, but I definitely will be watching out for tweets on the score and stuff on Twitter.

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I’m screwed

I’m screwed

I had the appointment with the physiatrist today. He was a good guy, with a sense of humor and everything. We spent more than hour going over what to do with my ankle. According to the diagnosis he gave me for physical therapy, nearly every tendon in my poor ankle is inflamed. I’m screwed. I am happy though that he didn’t recommend a steroid injection. He wants to give physical therapy and a new medicine a try. The new medicine has some risks for someone like me. He warned me that it could make my incontinence worse. Fun. I am really hurting after all the poking and prodding. Hopefully, physical therapy will help me walk correctly. I do still have to wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic), but he is recommending that I get a hinged one so that my ankle moves more freely. But right now, I am to keep my ankle as immobile as possible. He wanted me in a cast but I wouldn’t have it. If I go out, I will use the walking boot that I have. I don’t like it because it causes my hip to go out on me, but if it helps my ankle, I am for it. But there is no easy fix for my ankle. The doc hopes that PT can help stabilize it but with the nerve damage, there is no telling if that can happen. In the mean time, I am just going to go through the motions and see where they lead. If physical therapy proves to be too much for me, I am not going to go ahead with it and will say something. I am just glad the doc didn’t just offer me injections and that was it. But I still feel screwed that my ankle is so messed up when I really haven’t done anything major to cause it to be fucked up.

Right now I am feeling very sad. I am glad I know what is wrong with me (not like I didn’t) but going for physical therapy is going to be hard. I never know if I am going to get a gung ho therapist that thinks that if I don’t listen to him I won’t get better. I need someone that is willing to work with me and if I don’t have that, I am walking. Tough shit. I will find someone I can work with but it takes so much out of me, both mentally and physically. I know my ankle is messed up because I have been partly using it wrong, and partly because it is weak because of cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what the hinged AFO is going to be like. I just hope it fits in my sneaker like my current one does.

I am in agony. Ankle pain just jumped to 12. I knew it would after all the poking and prodding today, plus walking the blocks to and from the various points I had to go to get to my appointment. I just put a NSAID gel on it to knock off some points. I hope it helps.

I really wish I had someone to talk to right now but there is no one. I really would love to talk to my psychiatrist but she is not available until Monday. I have emailed her all week and have not gotten a single response from her so I don’t think she is getting email where she is. She said she was at a conference. Least now that I know that I have a good doctor, I can cancel the appointment with the surgical fellow for the ankle that I had scheduled for Friday. With any luck, I might be able to see my psychiatrist. That would be wonderful. I miss her as it has been more than three weeks since our last appointment. I had to cancel our last appointment because of pain. She understood but it has been a nightmare trying to reschedule because she is so booked up. And we have been doing this via email so it is frustrating when I don’t get a response within a day or two. I do need her to refill one of my meds. And unfortunately, it is one where I need a hard copy, she can’t fax it.

My therapy schedule is also messed up next week because my therapist needs Tuesday off. Just when I thought things were going to be back to normal, they get fucked up again. I don’t talk with my therapist until Wednesday but I am going to see if we can do a check in on Monday. Hearing her voice some how calms me and lets me know that someone cares. I also need to deal with my father next week which isn’t going to be pleasant. I really wish I didn’t have to deal with him, my blood pressure would normalize for once, though it was good today at the doctor’s office. My pulse was still high. I can never get a resting pulse to be close to normal. It is always in the 80’s or higher.

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Lazy stormy day

It’s been a cold, stormy day so I didn’t venture outside at all. It is cold in the house as my mother doesn’t want to turn on the heat. So I have been in my bed under the blankets and in a hoodie for most of the day, playing my game. I had no motivation to do anything. I have been waiting for my therapist to tell me there is a time available to talk today but I don’t think that is going to happen. So I am hoping for another check in before the weekend.

My father canceled his doctor’s appointment for today which is one reason I stayed in the house. It is shitty out so I don’t blame him. I really don’t want to leave the house myself. But this is my second day of being in the house and I am kind of going stir crazy. My mother has spent her time well, cleaning her room. I should do the same but I wouldn’t know what to tackle first so give up.

I got a call today from a rehab place to set up an appointment with a new doctor for my ankle issue. Thing is, I don’t want to see another damn doctor for the same problem. I know they are only going to be able to offer me cortisone shots and I don’t want that because I believe (and there has been research on this) it weakens the joint. I already don’t have normal sensation so I don’t want to weaken an already weakened spot on my body. I don’t care how much they push it, it isn’t happening. Then when I say no, they want nothing to do with me. So long, see you later, have a nice day. I also feel like I shouldn’t be wasting a copay on this nonsense.

I really am tired of the doctor game. I am happy with my current regimen, even though I am in more pain lately. But I think that has to do with the weather changing than something being wrong with my ankle. And of course, being depressed doesn’t help. If I could be dead tomorrow, I would welcome it. But I am not actively suicidal. My pain has been minimal today, despite it being cold in the house. I have not really left my room that much today other than the usual stuff so I haven’t used the stairs that much. I just wish I could make my feet warm. Even though they are under the blankets they are cold.

I had no desire to work on anything related to books. I don’t know what is going to motivate me. I just keep procrastinating and I know that isn’t good. I would like to get it done but maybe I will start next year after I write notes or something to get started. I never been a coauthor so I am not sure what that entails. My short story book has been left by the way side since August. I haven’t worked on that in a long time. I don’t think it will sell that much anyway unless I get an agent or something.

I am really tired and feel like I should nap but I told my sister I would watch my niece and it’s getting close to that time. I really am not up for it but her house is heated so I might just go. I still have the AC in my window which isn’t helping to keep the cold out of my room. But then it has been rainy the past few days so I can’t take it out now. Maybe next week.

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having a crappy day

Having a crappy day

I was up for almost 20 hours yesterday. I just could not go to sleep. Then I wake up around 0630 so I got 5.5 hours of sleep. Lovely. I had my normal bathroom movements, except this one really hurt me. Sometimes if the stool is hard it aggravates a nerve and I am in pain for hours. So to avoid that I thought I would take some nerve pain medicine and hopefully it would make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. It did. Though I woke up with a vicious cramp in my foot. It’s raining today so I decided not to go out and asked my mother to pick up my prescription. She did so now I don’t have to worry about it for another month.

When I got up I decided to play my games. No big deal. I felt like I had gas so I let loose. BIG mistake. It was all fucking stool. I couldn’t believe it and I am still shocked and upset about it. Luckily, it didn’t go through my pants and onto my sheets because I would have been devastated. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I shit some more while I was trying to clean myself. This is the third day that I have pooped my pants and I am very upset about it. I would tell my doctors but they wouldn’t understand. I decided to shower after I cleaned myself the best I could. Then I had a decision to make about my underwear. They were full of crap and I really didn’t want to wash them but I did. My first thought was to throw them out but I was afraid that the smell might arouse suspicion and I didn’t want to get caught with literally dirty underwear. Oh the joys of CES. I took a shower after washing my clothes in the sink. Shower felt nice and I was able to fully wash everything and get the shit off me.

For the rest of the day, I have been terrified of farting. I get gas regularly and the pain that builds up if I don’t let loose kills me. I don’t know what I am going to do going forward. I wrote to my group about it and there is a guy that uses protection so I am going to find out what that is so I can use it too. I can’t be too careful when it comes to the bowels. I have gotten used to leaking but I still have not gotten used to crapping myself. It takes a little bit of my self esteem every time I have an accident.

My day was shot after this as I didn’t want to risk losing my bowels in public. Part of the reason I was still home was because my foot cramped up just prior to my waking up around 11. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today. But it just wasn’t in the works after my pooping incident. Thankfully, my therapist called me within a half hour of this happening or who knows what I would have done to myself. I really was contemplating drinking gin until I passed out. Turns out I didn’t need the gin after all as I was able to go back to sleep around 2. I needed the rest as the whole experience just wiped me out. I am so glad my mother wasn’t home. It would have been horrible for her to see me like this.

I made a lot of online purchases today and paid my bills. Now I am broke until my next monthly paycheck. But the stuff I purchased online was stuff that I needed, like diapers and batteries, and my cereal. You can’t go wrong with less than 4 dollars for a box of shredded wheat. I know that the grocery story sells it for at least 5 bucks or more for the big box. I also got a couple of new books. Those will be my writing rewards for when I actually write for my book again.

My father canceled his cardiology appointment for tomorrow. I have to be the asshole to actually call the office and tell them he won’t be coming in. So all the stressing over my therapist’s time was for nothing. I texted her asking her if the time was still available to call me. 10 bucks says she no longer has it available.

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books and pressures

Had a hectic day today. I walked 0.8 miles and I feel pretty good about it, though my ankle disagrees. I have been up since 5. I made breakfast, showered, and had coffee all before 8 am. Which left me an hour and half to play my game and decide what to wear. It was cold and rainy today so I wanted to be warm but not too warm because I knew I would be walking. I hate sweating. Luckily for me it stayed cool and I didn’t overheat.

I think one of my upcoming blogs I am going to do a book review on “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes. It has been a while since I last read it and by chance I found it today while looking for something else. It is my autographed copy of the book. I will send the link to the author as well as post it on Amazon. It won’t be too long of a blog but will describe the essence of what it is to manage suicidality.

I will be ordering two books tomorrow when I get paid. They are books I normally wouldn’t purchase but I need a change of what I am reading. I still haven’t gotten through the book on the civil war or Andrew Solomon’s book, “Far From The Tree” (FFTT). Both books are lengthy, over 500 pages. In fact, I have a little over 500 pages to read for the civil war book. He just keeps dragging out the year 1861. And I am not the type to skip pages so I am plugging along as much as I can without getting annoyed. It took me 276 pages to get to the civil war alone!! If you want to read this book that discusses the economic ways of the war, Battle Cry for Freedom is for you.

FFTT I haven’t touched in almost two months, since I left the hospital. It made for good reading for nights when I couldn’t sleep and because I had a single, I could keep the light on until my meds kicked in or I got sleepy enough to go to bed. It is a very interesting book about disabilities in children and how their parents deal with it. Mostly I am reading about the families that are well off enough to have their child go through expensive treatments. He doesn’t seem to talk about those families that are no so well off and struggle to make ends meet. However he does talk about the organizations for the different disabilities he discusses.

Overall, today has been a productive day for me. I hope that tomorrow I am not too sore because I really want to go to Starbucks and work on my coauthored book. I think if I get out of the house a little bit every day, even if I don’t want to, it will help me in the long run. Trick is ACTUALLY getting out of the house because it is so easy for me to roll over and go back to sleep. But I have a few errands tomorrow so I’d like to leave the house and do it rather than stay at home with the laptop.

For two days straight now, I have crapped my pants. I am so disgusted because I thought I got everything after my BM today. But nope. I must have passed gas or something to make the stool come out. I am purchasing diapers online so I don’t have to worry about the funny looks in the store. Turns out that if I buy them online and spend $25, I get free shipping. So I am throwing in some batteries too. We need “real” batteries, like Duracell, for our carbon monoxide detector. My mother refuses to buy the good kind and so buys the cheap brand. We have had to replace the batteries twice so far this year, over the course of 6 months! It is annoying!! I am hoping on days that I am out of the house for more than four hours, I can have protection and save my underwear. Luckily, I didn’t leak today or I would really be hitting the gin.

I came home and thought I was “relaxed” as I haven’t done anything strenuous in the first hour I was home so I took my blood pressure to see what it was. Not a good reading, 145/100. I am upset with myself. I will be monitoring it from now on because yesterday at my doctor’s appointment it was high. I thought I had my blood pressure under control but I guess I don’t. Fucking pisses me off that I have another thing to worry about because it’s not like my body is going to tell me I am running high. I have to use a machine to do that. Now I really have to try and lose weight so I can bring my pressure down some. I wish I could decrease my stress levels but dealing with my father is not going to do it, especially if he is going to have surgery in the upcoming weeks. So I have to monitor my pressure to keep myself in check. If it gets any higher, I will have to inform my PCP. I can’t be letting it skyrocket.

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Pain relief and oblivion

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.

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