How Far

“How Far”

There’s a boat, I could sail away
There’s the sky, I could catch a plane
There’s a train, there’s the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when’s it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

There’s a chance I could change my mind
But I won’t, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what’s it gonna be


Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say
YeahI’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

by Martina McBride

Posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just Depressed

Just depressed

For some reason the cough that I thought had gone away has returned with a vengeance. It is not helping my back pain at all. I feel horribly depressed that I can’t move without pain. To make matters worse, I don’t think I will be seeing my therapist on my birthday because there is a storm on its way to Boston and it will hit then. Just great. Mother nature hates me.

I really am dreading my birthday this year. I really just want to take my sister’s car and just leave town for the day. But I know my sister will need her car back. I probably would have left months ago if I had a car.

I keep thinking I don’t have anything to do tomorrow but I have two appointments. I have my dreaded PCP appointment and then I have PT. I am dreading the PCP appointment because I know he is going to say something about my weight. I plan on wearing light pants so I can weight less on his stupid scale. Maybe then he will be happy. Last time I didn’t care and wore heavy jeans and kept things in my pocket. I weighed 8 pounds heavier than my last appointment. He flipped out on me. But this time I will be seeing him not only for my med refill, but also because I have this cough and back pain. My prediction is that he not only is going to tell me to lose weight, but also that I have a viral infection. He’ll give me a script for my pain meds and then its see you next month.

I hope the bastard is on time because my appointment with PT is two hours from his and I need to catch a shuttle bus to get there. I was looking forward to this appointment but now I just don’t care. After the possible poking and prodding of my PCP, I know the PT is going to do the same thing, if not more prodding to assess my ankle. I will be lucky to walk out of there. I won’t be wearing my AFO. I have given up on wearing it. At this point (2 years later), I don’t think it is doing me any favors.

I just am really down today. I watch the Pats game and that made me feel worse. They played like shit but somehow got the win. It was a very ugly game. Brady (quarterback) got sacked like 4 times. I think if he had better protection, the game would have been different.

I really am not looking forward to my birthday in a few days. I wish it was today just to get it over with. I just want the hoo-hah to be done with. I am not looking forward to having my family give me gifts when I didn’t get them anything for their birthday. And I know my cousins and aunts are just going to give me the “this is your birthday and Christmas gift” like they do every year. I always get stiffed. When I was a kid, I always got birthday AND Christmas presents. But I don’t give a fuck this year. Let them say this and I will just be thankful to have something. It’s better than nothing, right?

Posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Saturday Blog 16

Saturday Blog 16

I have not felt good all day. But I have been thinking about my cousin all week since he left me a message saying he was getting married today. I wanted to call earlier but I am bad at returning calls during normal business hours. I always remember after 2100. I called my cousin back today and spoke to him. He told me about his wedding and the parties he went to. My cousin married his partner, finally, after being together for more than 25 years. I am so happy to officially see his partner in the family. His partner got on the phone and he told me he sent me lyrics to a song he wrote in the early morning. He was telling me the process of the song and I had to read it. I LOVED it. It was so cool. I hope he records it and sends me the recorded version. Would love to hear the melody of the song.

Last night I had a scare. After I had my difficult BM, I started having increased back pain and my saddle/genital area were throbbing, something that has never happened to me before. It was awful. I had to take two strong pain pills and at least two ativans to calm down. I finally dozed off around 0200. All that time I was freaking out and was so damn tempted to go to the ER. I woke up in the morning and things were better. I still had back pain but it was the normal pain that I have been dealing with all along and not the pain I was dealing with last night. I swore to myself that if it was CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome), I was going to kill myself. There is no way I can handle being a cripple or be fused. I have heard many people who have been fused have so many problems. I have yet to hear of one success story of the many bad ones I have heard. My brother in law has told me that his coworker has received a fusion and is doing well. But I am sure that he didn’t have nerve damage before he got his fusion.

I don’t know why I was in horrendous pain last night. I know I had a difficult movement where I really had to push to get the crap out of me. I had been backed up for a few days as the last time I went was Monday. It is just another reminder of what living post CES is like. You can’t have normal bowels. I still am waiting to go again but it has not happened. I would take another senna but I took one earlier and I really don’t want to take two in one day for fear of bowel cramping.

I was so scared last night that I emailed my psychiatrist around 2300. I told her I was freaking out and that things were weird. I didn’t know if things were going to be better in the morning or not. I would have to go to the ER if things were not good. I feel like I am living with a time bomb in my back and I don’t know what will be the detonator. I have severely herniated discs in my L5/S1 that I am most worried about. I see my doc on Monday so I will ask him if having another MRI will be worthwhile at this point or not. I really don’t want to have another MRI as I need to have contrast and the last time I had one, they couldn’t find a vein so they skipped it. But with my back surgeries, you need contrast to show differentiation between new and old stuff.

I think my plans of seeing my therapist on Tuesday might be foiled as snow and ice are supposed to hit that day. Just great! I really want to see my therapist but I can’t because of the stinking weather. Normally, I wouldn’t care but I know going west of where I live is going to be more treacherous than where I live. I hope that it is nothing and I wake up with nothing on the ground. But some places are already having snow right now so there is still the chance that I won’t be seeing her Tuesday. Things could change as Tuesday is a few days away.

Posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

selected reading for CAMS

Copyright 2014, Midnight Demon p 10-11. All rights reserved. Collerone, G

David Jobes is my idol. I really love his works and he is a great suicidologist. He really gets what it means to be suicidal and better than that, he wants to help suicidal people. Most clinicians do not want to deal with suicidality with a ten foot pole. They are afraid of the risks involved, from liability to malpractice to ethical concerns. Dr. Jobes has written about all of this and with a passion created a clinical framework to deal with this population. The framework is called CAMS (Collaborating Assessment, and Managing of Suicide). It is a philosophical yet empirical theory that has helped thousands of suicidal people get out of their suicidal thinking and on with their lives. CAMS was developed specifically to modify clinician behaviors in how they initially identify, engage, assess, conceptualize, treatment plan, and manage suicidal outpatients. It is a brilliant concept that is much needed in outpatient therapy as inpatient treatments have gone by the way side and insurance companies have dictated more on treatment than clinical matters. The heart of CAMS is the emphasis on a strong therapeutic alliance where counselor and client work closely together to develop a shared understanding of what brings the client to think about suicide. CAMS is similar to the Aeschi model, where the clinician is open to hearing the clients story of why they are suicidal. It is a patient oriented model rather than a physician oriented model.

These CAMS model has an assessment tool called the Suicide Status Form (SSF) and it is used to assess, treatment plan, and track suicidal patients. The cool thing about this assessment is that it multi-faceted and is not restricted to one mode of therapy or type of clinician. It can be used across all disciplines and types of therapists (DBT, CBT, psychodynamic, etc.) As long as there is a willingness to adhere to the principles of putting the client first, that is the first step in the right direction.

The SSF is a seven page assessment tool that is used to initiate, track and follow the outcome of suicidality. It was created so people who are suicidal are not lost to follow up. More can be said about this in Jobes’s book, Managing Suicide Risk.

I have used the SSF in my therapy. But I have to confess that my therapist and I never followed through completely with it. We would use the initial and the tracking forms but never quite got to the outcome phase of the assessment. Because I felt like it was my idea, and she wasn’t into changing her style of treatment, it was difficult to follow through. But that is okay because I am still here regardless. We mostly use the SSF to assess my psychological pain, reasons for living/dying, and the level of my suicidality.

I will repeatedly talk about the works of Jobes, Shneidman, and the Aeschi model throughout this book. It is because I think there is not enough awareness of this in the world of psychiatry, psychotherapy and psychology. And there is even less in the training of therapists and future psychiatrists. It really is a shame that not enough awareness of suicide is mentioned in the course of graduate college training and it is often left up to the students to figure it all out on their own, if at all. Usually it isn’t until a suicide or attempted suicide happens that people have hindsight and that isn’t always 20/20.

Posted in depression, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sad day

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.

Posted in blogging, depression | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Editors’ Favorite

IMG_20141109_213353 (1)

I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday, unless she is on vacation or something else interferes with our time. We talked mostly about my father, again. By mid session, I wanted to talk about something else but couldn’t think of anything so we talked more about him. It wasn’t an analytical discussion. Just about how draining he is to me and my welfare. She doesn’t know how I can tolerate him despite my hate for him. I guess he still has his hold on me because there would be hell to pay if I didn’t tolerate him.

We also talked about how back my back got last night and this morning. I really just wanted to die. The pain was excruciating and all I did was lie down! I woke up from my nap and I couldn’t move, the pain was so damn bad. But I had to take my night meds and when I got up, it was like someone had stabbed me in the back. My hip was on fire. There was nothing I could do for it. I had to stand to take my meds. What I would have given for a nurse to come bedside to hand me my meds last night. I was tortured the whole time I took the 10 or 12 pills I take. I was up most of the night in pain, and I swear, I woke up soon as the pain meds wore off, which was every four to five hours. I never called the doctor like I was supposed to. And tomorrow doesn’t look good for me to call him either because I have to deal with my dear old father for most of the morning. My therapist asked if I should see someone. I don’t know anymore. I see my doc on Monday, so will tell him what has been going on for the past several weeks and see what he thinks I should do. I know that I am NOT going to see two different PTs. I refuse to see one for my ankle and one for my back. I know I just need the “right” exercise to get a stretch out of my back and I will be fine.

I’m still fighting a cold as my nasal discharge has been running wild lately as well as having a damn cough. I know the cough is not doing me any favors with my back pain. I just feel really run down. I know part of it is because I haven’t been sleeping well most of the week. Monday I woke up at 0530 and didn’t go to bed until late. And last night I was up every few hours because I had to change position. It was so tough sleeping last night. And once I am up, I am pretty much up for a while. It takes me forever to get back to sleep. I finally gave up today when my app for my meds kept dinging for my morning pills. I guess it’s good that I have the app or I would forget to take my pills. Not so much for my night meds as I know I have to take my hormone pill or I am screwed. Missing that dose just screws up my reproductive system and I don’t really want my menses showing up this month. It has shown up every year at this time for the past three years. I would really love to skip this month. That would be the greatest birthday present mother nature could give me!

Today, someone who found my blog, wrote on one of my support groups, looking for information on my book. I gave her the UK link for I had to google it because I didn’t know what the domain was. Anyway, she found me on Facebook and she bought my book. It is probably going to be my only sale for the month. Sales have been terrible this month, but then I haven’t been promoting my book like I did last month. It’s hard work tweeting all the time for the week that I had my Kindle version for 99 cents. If I knew how hard it was going to be to sell my book, I would have saved up some money to have it published with an agent or something. I thought that Amazon would help but if they do, I don’t see it. And it was by chance I saw that my book was named the Editor’s pick of the year. I am glad I took a photo of it because it’s no longer there on my Amazon page. From what I gather from some author groups on Facebook, it all depends on how many people like your author page on Amazon on which book Amazon promotes. Unfortunately, I am not that tech savvy to find out what that page is to have people like it. Even on the Author’s page link it doesn’t have anything on it. Probably because I have not put anything on it because I don’t know how. I think I found it once but don’t ask me how I did it. And if there is a like, it’s the only like because I liked my own page! It’s so frustrating. I am thinking of putting my book on the Nook and iBook some time in 2015 so that maybe I can have better sales. But the process is like Amazon’s Createspace. I would have to create profiles for those formats and there is no guarantee that it will sell better than my current profile.

Posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, writing | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Random 737

I have my first scheduled post to publish at 1800 today. I decided to change the name and URL when I originally published it to include the word “suicide” so people can reference it. I still cannot find the article I got it from so I can properly cite it. I will try and find it, then edit the blog again.

Day went dreary. It was wicked cloudy today and tomorrow is supposed to rain all day. My friend in NM thought we are getting snow, but I haven’t heard anything. But then I haven’t been watching my weathermen tweets.

My legs feel really heavy today for some reason. The back of my legs hurt when I stand up from a seated position, especially when I get up from sitting on my bed for a few hours. I hope it’s just because they get tired of the position they are in and not something else. Dammit, just remembered I was supposed to call my physiatrist today but forgot, again. Why is it I always remember to do stuff after places get closed? I wish I had his email that would be easier.

Fucking found the damn appendix that had the damn “Crisis Response Plan”. I was right, it was the US Air Force that had the cards and I modified it to suit my needs. I am happy I found the source!! Now I can append it on the blog. I really thought I was going crazy when I couldn’t find the damn reference. I knew I got it somewhere. I didn’t come up with it myself. I’m not that smart! And when you have been as suicidal as I have been, you don’t think of what can benefit you. You just rely on your therapist to guide you through the crisis.

My father called me today. He wanted to know why I wasn’t coming over. I never said that I would come over today but I was supposed to call him. Oh well. He called me and I get to call him tomorrow and tell him he has another doctor’s appointment on Thursday. That is going to be fun. I get to spend another 2 hours at the hospital, more if the doc is late.

My high school crush sent me a FB message. She wanted me to know there was alternative treatment out there, like acupuncture and holistic stuff. Tell me something I don’t know. I didn’t respond but appreciated the gesture.

I got my appointment for PT next week. I really can’t wait this time around. I hope that the ultrasound works because trying to strengthen my ankle with the ankle exercises I was given certainly didn’t help. It made things worse. My back is still out of whack. The only relief I get is by sitting. Walking or standing for any length of time just hurts me. I just don’t understand it. I should be better by now, dammit. I think I need a massage.

I think I have caught my mother’s cold. My throat has been dry for most of the day. I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I always get sick. I can’t afford to be sick again. Coughing will kill my back and I might really hurt myself. I wish I didn’t have a damn time bomb in my back. I am so afraid of getting CES again, for the 3rd time because I still have bad, herniated discs in my lower spine.

Posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Suicide Crisis Response Plan

I tried finding the response plan online but all I found was emergency planning and a very LONG one that the Navy cooked up, most likely from the article I read about military suicide crisis training. I tried to find the article but I am unable to locate it in my files. I haven’t searched my thumb drive because I can’t locate that either. GGGRRRR so I hope I am not plagiarizing when I post this plan here on my blog:

Crisis response plan:
When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help you feel better for at least 30 mins (examples can include, trying to sleep, play internet games, brush hair 100 times, write in a journal, listen to music, etc)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: if thoughts continue, get specific and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call XXX @ 555-555-5555 or suicide hotline
Step 6: if I cannot reach above I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: if I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I go to the ER or call 911 (or whatever the local emergency line is for your country)
I have found having this in my journal useful when I have been hospitalized because it provides a plan of something that they need for discharge. I don’t always carry the paper with me but I do carry my journal.

Posted in suicide | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Morning Pain

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.

Posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Knack for Lyrics

Been listening to Garth Brooks for the past hour. I forgot how much I miss listening to his voice and my favorite songs.

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0330, fell back to sleep about an hour later only to wake up again a few hours in pain. Damn hip just doesn’t want to be slept on and if I sleep on my back it still hurts me. If I sleep on the opposite side, it still hurts so I can’t win.

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really can’t wait for PT in a week. I really want them to give me an exercise that will stretch this out so that I am in less pain. I know that the script was for my ankle but they should be able to do something for me for my hip. I can’t be hurting all the time. I think that if they refuse, I will just call my doc and get them to have a new order. If I need to be seen by a doc, that wouldn’t upset me either. I am just so damn tired of being in pain. The pain medicine is only doing so much for me.

I have been playing my stupid Facebook game most of the day. I was so damn disappointed when I got the wrong dog on a timed thingy. Now I need to start another one but need to stockpile one of the items. It takes some time and I am glad people are still working on this mission because I would be so screwed otherwise.

My blog passed 33,000 views yesterday. I am so glad people read my blog. So thank you for reading.

Can’t believe that my stupid birthday is in nine days. I really am not looking forward to it. Every year, I have been so suicidal that I just didn’t care about the day. This year has been different. I am not really depressed and I am definitely not suicidal. Usually, I have a depression that makes walking feel like I am in mud. I have been trying to document the change but it has been hard to pinpoint. I know my feelings have changed since my last hospitalization and Robin Williams’s suicide. I guess you can say that I am glad that his death occurred while I was hospitalized. I don’t think I would be here otherwise. I think going back on mirtazapine was the best thing I could do for myself. It has been more than three months being on it and I still have been stable. Usually, the effects of the drug last one month and then it stops working. But for some reason, this time around, it has benefitted me. Only thing I hate about it is the increased appetite. And the subsequent weight gain. But since I have adjusted, my weight has been stable the past month or so.

I wanted to go for a walk today but my ankle thought otherwise. I hate having pain dictate what I do or don’t do. It totally sucks. I need to try and save my spoons for tomorrow when I deal with my father again.

I think I found a new “old” song that fits my therapist and I. It’s Garth’s song “A friend in me”. I will write out the lyrics and send them to her. I got half a letter and a blog post written to her that I have been meaning to send out. She likes getting letters. I’m telling you she is a nuttier case than me. I don’t know why some lyrics jump out at me and others don’t. For instance, there are no lyrics on 1989 that jump out at me that would fit my therapist. Maybe “Bad Blood” would fit with the lyrics “now we got problems and I don’t think we can solve them”, but other than that, the rest of the song doesn’t fit. Yet I listen to Garth, and at least three songs jump out at me. I don’t get this knack that I have, I really don’t.

Posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment