When did I become an adult?

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??

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Musings and Voices

My therapist read my blog that I wrote last night. She said it was “brilliant” and conveyed a lot of information. She asked why was I thinking about this stuff now and I told her I have been reading a lot about therapy and stuff and wondered if it was still the right course to be on. She used the analogy of being on a boat and we both have been swinging the oars. I told her lately, I just feel like we are going around in circles. That is when she told me to pick up an oar. Knucklehead.

We are going to try and work in a few goals in the upcoming weeks so that I am not so isolated. We also talked about the voices and she has no clue why they have disappeared on me. They seem to come out when I am really tired and want to go to sleep. My day voices are no longer there, though one was briefly. I am hearing music in my head so I am hoping that is a good sign the voices are coming back. My reading “voice” is back so I can read without difficulty.

It is so weird not hearing the constant bickering of the voices all the time. My therapist also asked what will this be like if they don’t come back. I have been listening to these voices for over thirty years. I don’t want to think what my life will be like without them. I can’t. It will be suicidal to think that. I know they will show up again. I just may have to be off my meds for a little bit. I need to be my version of sane again. I just don’t feel like myself, at all.

It’s been hard trying to write the past few days. My thoughts seem slower to me. I also have no energy and feel tired all the time. I know part of it is being in chronic pain and suffering from depression. But I was able to get out yesterday so I am taking today as a rest day. I had some Chinese food that I have been craving. Unfortunately, it just made me bloated and sick to my stomach. I think I am also fighting a migraine as my head keeps pounding. I thought I took care of it this morning when I took a couple of ibuprofen. But I think the Chinese food just made matters worse. Soon as I can move without being nauseated, I will take my migraine pill. I just hope I have one left. I used up my last pill in the pack and I don’t know if I have another pack. I don’t get migraines that often so I don’t keep track of the pill count. I just called in a refill to my docs so it should be ready tomorrow, I hope. I really want to go to Starbucks tomorrow, if the weather cooperates.

I didn’t sleep well last night, which is another reason I am so tired today. It felt like I was up every hour, which I probably was. I finally gave up around 0700. I paid my bills for the month and ordered my groceries. I added a couple things. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have ordered over $100. But I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months so this replenishes what I desperately need. Only thing that sucks is that I won’t have my delivery until Friday. They had absolutely no slots open for today or tomorrow. I got $1 off my order for picking a time that was convenient. I would have picked the $2 off time but it was 7-10 at night and I wasn’t going to stay up that late for a grocery order. I love shopping online. No lines, no waiting, no standing around. Just click, click, click and you are done.

I still have two more books to wrap for my reviewers. It’s killing me when I have no motivation as well as no energy. But I have until Saturday when my royalties come in to send out the books. That is if I get up early to do it. I then will have to see my father to do his pills again.

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to therapy or not?

To therapy or not?

I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.

She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.

I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.

I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.

So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.

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Enchanted

Enchanted

I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!

I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??

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Another fricken cold day

Another fricken cold day

It’s supposed to be a high of like 18 degrees all week, that is with the wind chill. Tomorrow is supposed to be less than that, and I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I also have to finagle my appointment with my therapist. I figure on going to Starbucks first, get my mocha, then go to the hospital where my appointment is at, and just sit in the lobby to have my phone session. That is the plan anyway, if the T cooperates. So far, there hasn’t been too much disruptions on the buses or the red line. I am hoping the same for tomorrow.

Appt with my damn father. Let’s just say it was quick and over with faster than any other appointment. The only thing that sucked was waiting for the hospital shuttle to the train station. But we managed.

I am really tired and cold. I want to nap but I am too restless to actually do so. I could take something to calm me down some but I really don’t want to sleep this early in the afternoon. I am waiting a callback from one of my father’s docs and I don’t want to miss it. The doc we saw today was supposed to call in a script but hasn’t done so yet. So I am just waiting a callback to see when it will be done.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day today. I really haven’t been wanting to be on the laptop today for some reason. I am taking a break from my game, temporarily, as I am just fed up with it. You request stuff and you don’t get it day in and day out just frustrates you.

Did I mention I was cold? My hands and feet feel like ice. I hate being cold. I don’t know where the heat is today. It usually is warm in my room when it’s cold like it is today. I have been in my room for at least 3 hours and have not heard the heat kick on. This just sucks. I so just want to get under the covers and get warm.

I was hoping my powerade would be on sale this week but no such luck. But it is cheaper than Gatorade. But I need groceries this week so doesn’t matter. I need my stuff and ordering online is convenient. I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs either, which is really nice. I do, however, have to lug the powerade to my room, which is a pain. I usually transfer it to the recyclable bags as they fit more than the plastic bags. And I can usually carry it in one haul.

My mood is kind of down. Been thinking about the stress of tomorrow and it’s wrecking havoc on me. If I wasn’t such an idiot, I would cancel my appointment for my therapist but it is too late now. She requires a 24 hr notice and I passed it. I should be ok, but ever since the T has been having trouble, I have been weary. But I don’t want to be sitting out in the freezing cold, waiting for a bus that has been canceled, and not be notified about it. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. I plan on getting on an early bus so to avoid a cancellation, and the weather is supposed to be clear, no fricken snow. Just bloody cold. If I had money for a cab, I would take one but I don’t have it.

The psychosis seems to have abated. I don’t feel stressed out like I was. But the bus situation tomorrow isn’t helping to make me feel easy. And the appointments are close together. I should have taken the earlier appointment and then I could have possibly be home for my therapist. But I chose the later time because I am an idiot. I should have called back to see if I could change it but I didn’t want to be a dumbass. Besides, I hate calling my doc’s office because no matter what time I call, I am on hold for at least five minutes before someone picks up. And that is if I am lucky. I hate being on hold!

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tired, tired, and still tired

Tired, tired, and still tired

I woke up early this morning, in pain. It was the first time in a while that I woke up with my ankle hurting me. It was about 0700 so I just took some pain medicine, answered an email, and then went back to sleep. I slept till the unheard of 1300! I couldn’t believe that I slept that late! I almost never do, not without waking up several times. I had breakfast/lunch. Then my mother told me my sister was making dinner. I had a couple of hours to play on my laptop before it was ready.

I had a quarter glass of wine with dinner. Now I am sleepy again. It wasn’t the best wine I have had but it did its job. I have been really wanting a glass of my sister’s Mark West wine but a bottle wasn’t open. I really like this wine. Maybe I will have it on another day.

I did nothing today except play my game. Ankle is still acting up on me so I really don’t want to tax it. Plus, I have been up and down the stairs a lot today so I know I am going to be in pain later tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to meet up with my father. I hope it isn’t going to be freezing cold. And the T runs like it is supposed to. We didn’t get too much snow last night, which was good. I think the storms are behind us but you never know.

I really am feeling dizzy from the wine and want to go back to sleep. But last night I did that and it wrecked havoc on my sleep. Even though I was able to sleep till 0700 before my pain shot up, I had about 6 hours of sleep. That is usually my normal. I guess my pain meds just added a few more hours when I went back to sleep. I would take another pain pill now but I am not sure that is a good idea with the wine I had. Maybe in an hour or so.

When I came into my sister’s apartment, my mother and her were talking about me. All I heard my sister say was “maybe she is in a depression”. They abruptly stopped their conversation when I got closer. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? If I did tell them I was depressed, they would ask why, like there is a reason for it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t.

Well, looks like the Twitter feed is going to be all about the Oscars tonight. I won’t have to worry about commanding tweets, least not for tonight. I won’t be watching as I don’t watch awards shows. Only award shows I will watch will be country music. But lately, I haven’t even been watching that. I had saved them when Taylor was winning and then when the awards became Miranda Lambert awards, I stopped watching. I would watch the performances but as for the awards, I would just fast forward them. I can’t stand Miranda. She is such a bitch. I’ve hated her since Blake Shelton married her. What he sees in her, I will never know. I don’t even find her attractive.

I am going to try and wrap one more book today. Then maybe read a little bit. I don’t know if it will be Jamison or the civil war book. I just hope I can stay awake long enough to just take my meds and then go to sleep. I am just so damn tired.

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Fricken cold today

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.

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Delusional and Perturbed

I keep hitting dead ends. I just can’t hold on any longer. My mind is so fucked up, I don’t think anyone can sort it out. I can’t even sort it out and it’s my mind!

I am just in one of the moods because of this agitation that I am in. I tried taking something for it but it hasn’t helped. Now things are swirling in my brain and I think writing about it is the only way to get these demons out of my head.

There was a seminar going on today on Twitter, dad2summit. I don’t know what it was about, but the last segment, of course, talked about “Man therapy”. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Go to mantherapy.org and you will see how stupid it is. But if it helps prevent a man from acting on suicidal thoughts, then I am for it. That is why I don’t downcast it too much for that reason.

There has been a lot of roof collapses in the Boston area since the snow is only 8 feet on some roofs. I am now worried about our roof tops. I know I shouldn’t be because we don’t have a flat roof on my house, but there is one area of the house that does, the extension part. Trouble is, there is no way to get there because my back porch is piled with snow and that would be the only way to access it. So I am having dreams and fantasies of it collapsing. I just don’t feel safe and I know it’s irrational. But every time I get a tweet saying to check your roof, I panic. It’s like a command hallucination or something, telling me what to do. Maybe I am becoming delusional, I don’t know. I hate when I am agitated because that never bodes well for me.

I added a conclusion to Brick Wall, my short story that I have been working on the last few months. I am thinking about publishing it on my blog just so my therapist can read it. This is the first piece of work that I have worked on that I have not published on my blog. It’s kind of strange not to post it. But I still am kind of working on it and so I don’t really want to publish it until I am really done with it.

I have been thinking of preparing my “darkness will always win” into the template so that I can get things ready for my next book to be published. It will be a much shorter book. I don’t know how many pages it will be. Darkness is about 13 or 14 pages right now, alone. And the Brick is about 3-4 pages. I need to have at least 24 pages to make a book. But that requires me formatting and coming up with a title page, chapter page, etc. I am going to do things differently than I did with my first book, now that I know the formatting deal. I just hope I can do it. I already have my self-doubts about it not selling. And that I think it is stupid making a short story collection book knowing they don’t do well. But if Lawrence Block can do it, I can try. I just have to have the motivation to actually do it. I just don’t know which blogs I want to put in the book. The blogs that I had chosen are really short, like 2 pages! That is not going to get me far.

I just have the who fuck its going on right now. And this perturbation that I am feeling is not helping me. I wish I could email my psychiatrist and ask her what to do about this. Better yet, call her and ask her. But I doubt I will get a response quickly. I hate this delusional feeling that is creeping up. I might have to start taking my psych med every day as this is the second time in two weeks, three weeks, that this has happened. I can’t/won’t go back to the hospital. Why can’t tomorrow be Tuesday so I can talk with my therapist! She is on vacation so I can’t even text her because I won’t know when/if she will be able to call me back. We do have our code words for when I am in real distress. I am not psychotic, I just feel really perturbed!! And it’s stressing me out. And when I get stressed, the voices start acting up. Think I will take some trilafon and see if that helps calm me down. It’s the only thing I can think of that will settle the delusions about the roof collapsing and the command tweets that I have been getting.

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Random 202

I don’t know what to blog today. Today is the same as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I watched my niece this morning for a little bit. Made her and I some breakfast. Then I had some coffee that I swear was a sleeping pill because I got really sleepy after I drank it. Not the effect it was supposed to have.

I wrapped another book today to be shipped out next week sometime. I am sending out free books to those that want to review my book. I just hope that they keep their end of the deal. One book I forgot to sign so that is being shipped to my cousin. I have two more books to wrap. But my motivation today is out the fricken window. It’s so fricken cold out so I didn’t dare go out. I do have to go out tomorrow. It is supposed to be warmer as it is supposed to rain, not snow. I just hope I make it out of my father’s place before the rain begins. I plan on going in the morning so I don’t have to deal with it, hopefully.

I am trying not to nap but it’s difficult. I am cold and just want to get under the covers to warm up. I might end up doing that after I write this.

Nothing good on the Twitter feed today. Yesterday was a little of everything. I had responded to a segment about diabetes having a new device. I asked what was the point if the diabetic couldn’t afford insulin. I got back that it was a “human rights issue”. WTF does that mean?? It’s not a human right, it’s a health care right! Pharmaceuticals shouldn’t be charging people life saving medicine up the wazoo. And then you wonder why more people end up in the ER due to diabetic complications and are seen as “non compliant” when in fact, they just can’t afford the medicine they are supposed to be taking. I know there are some people who don’t want to give themselves shots every day for the rest of their lives. But people like my mother, who has to take insulin six times a day and it costs her over $200/month, needs the medicine to control her diabetes. She is compliant, granted she doesn’t eat the way she should, but that is another issue. Making insulin affordable should be prioritized among health care doctors and nurses.

I could go on, but that is not what my blog is about. The other night I was reading “Touched With Fire”. I really like this book as it has my favorite passage from Edgar Allan Poe. He really knows what it is like to suffer from a “depression of spirits much as I have never known”. I also found the quote I was looking for about the thousand wounds. I will post it in my favorite quotes, if it is not already there. I think it is by Berloiz. Reading this book is helping me to understand my condition better and also to help ease my suffering a little bit. I am so tired of fighting every day these demons that steal my energy and motivation. I forgot what it was like to have energy and zeal. It has been too long. But I am in a prison of my own making and the weather has helped to isolate me. I am sadly, looking forward to going to my bastard father’s house because it gets me out of the house for a little while. I will have a 45 min or so bus ride to his house that will be my respite and the same coming back home, provided the buses run on time. I really don’t want to be in the cold waiting for the bus more than an hour. It will suck! But that is the gamble I have to take. I wish he would fill his own damn med case. Would save me a hassle and a half.

I’m starting to feel agitated and I don’t know why. I guess just talking about my idiotic father gets me upset. He really drives me and my sisters crazy. My other sister that does his laundry is not going over his house tomorrow. Great. I just hope I don’t have to listen to his damn stories about things I really don’t give a shit about. I just want to fill his med case and leave. Maybe I can borrow my sister’s car so I don’t have to take the bus. But I think she is working tomorrow. Oh well.

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Finagling the Bagel 2

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.

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