I’m screwed

I’m screwed

I had the appointment with the physiatrist today. He was a good guy, with a sense of humor and everything. We spent more than hour going over what to do with my ankle. According to the diagnosis he gave me for physical therapy, nearly every tendon in my poor ankle is inflamed. I’m screwed. I am happy though that he didn’t recommend a steroid injection. He wants to give physical therapy and a new medicine a try. The new medicine has some risks for someone like me. He warned me that it could make my incontinence worse. Fun. I am really hurting after all the poking and prodding. Hopefully, physical therapy will help me walk correctly. I do still have to wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic), but he is recommending that I get a hinged one so that my ankle moves more freely. But right now, I am to keep my ankle as immobile as possible. He wanted me in a cast but I wouldn’t have it. If I go out, I will use the walking boot that I have. I don’t like it because it causes my hip to go out on me, but if it helps my ankle, I am for it. But there is no easy fix for my ankle. The doc hopes that PT can help stabilize it but with the nerve damage, there is no telling if that can happen. In the mean time, I am just going to go through the motions and see where they lead. If physical therapy proves to be too much for me, I am not going to go ahead with it and will say something. I am just glad the doc didn’t just offer me injections and that was it. But I still feel screwed that my ankle is so messed up when I really haven’t done anything major to cause it to be fucked up.

Right now I am feeling very sad. I am glad I know what is wrong with me (not like I didn’t) but going for physical therapy is going to be hard. I never know if I am going to get a gung ho therapist that thinks that if I don’t listen to him I won’t get better. I need someone that is willing to work with me and if I don’t have that, I am walking. Tough shit. I will find someone I can work with but it takes so much out of me, both mentally and physically. I know my ankle is messed up because I have been partly using it wrong, and partly because it is weak because of cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what the hinged AFO is going to be like. I just hope it fits in my sneaker like my current one does.

I am in agony. Ankle pain just jumped to 12. I knew it would after all the poking and prodding today, plus walking the blocks to and from the various points I had to go to get to my appointment. I just put a NSAID gel on it to knock off some points. I hope it helps.

I really wish I had someone to talk to right now but there is no one. I really would love to talk to my psychiatrist but she is not available until Monday. I have emailed her all week and have not gotten a single response from her so I don’t think she is getting email where she is. She said she was at a conference. Least now that I know that I have a good doctor, I can cancel the appointment with the surgical fellow for the ankle that I had scheduled for Friday. With any luck, I might be able to see my psychiatrist. That would be wonderful. I miss her as it has been more than three weeks since our last appointment. I had to cancel our last appointment because of pain. She understood but it has been a nightmare trying to reschedule because she is so booked up. And we have been doing this via email so it is frustrating when I don’t get a response within a day or two. I do need her to refill one of my meds. And unfortunately, it is one where I need a hard copy, she can’t fax it.

My therapy schedule is also messed up next week because my therapist needs Tuesday off. Just when I thought things were going to be back to normal, they get fucked up again. I don’t talk with my therapist until Wednesday but I am going to see if we can do a check in on Monday. Hearing her voice some how calms me and lets me know that someone cares. I also need to deal with my father next week which isn’t going to be pleasant. I really wish I didn’t have to deal with him, my blood pressure would normalize for once, though it was good today at the doctor’s office. My pulse was still high. I can never get a resting pulse to be close to normal. It is always in the 80’s or higher.

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Lazy stormy day

It’s been a cold, stormy day so I didn’t venture outside at all. It is cold in the house as my mother doesn’t want to turn on the heat. So I have been in my bed under the blankets and in a hoodie for most of the day, playing my game. I had no motivation to do anything. I have been waiting for my therapist to tell me there is a time available to talk today but I don’t think that is going to happen. So I am hoping for another check in before the weekend.

My father canceled his doctor’s appointment for today which is one reason I stayed in the house. It is shitty out so I don’t blame him. I really don’t want to leave the house myself. But this is my second day of being in the house and I am kind of going stir crazy. My mother has spent her time well, cleaning her room. I should do the same but I wouldn’t know what to tackle first so give up.

I got a call today from a rehab place to set up an appointment with a new doctor for my ankle issue. Thing is, I don’t want to see another damn doctor for the same problem. I know they are only going to be able to offer me cortisone shots and I don’t want that because I believe (and there has been research on this) it weakens the joint. I already don’t have normal sensation so I don’t want to weaken an already weakened spot on my body. I don’t care how much they push it, it isn’t happening. Then when I say no, they want nothing to do with me. So long, see you later, have a nice day. I also feel like I shouldn’t be wasting a copay on this nonsense.

I really am tired of the doctor game. I am happy with my current regimen, even though I am in more pain lately. But I think that has to do with the weather changing than something being wrong with my ankle. And of course, being depressed doesn’t help. If I could be dead tomorrow, I would welcome it. But I am not actively suicidal. My pain has been minimal today, despite it being cold in the house. I have not really left my room that much today other than the usual stuff so I haven’t used the stairs that much. I just wish I could make my feet warm. Even though they are under the blankets they are cold.

I had no desire to work on anything related to books. I don’t know what is going to motivate me. I just keep procrastinating and I know that isn’t good. I would like to get it done but maybe I will start next year after I write notes or something to get started. I never been a coauthor so I am not sure what that entails. My short story book has been left by the way side since August. I haven’t worked on that in a long time. I don’t think it will sell that much anyway unless I get an agent or something.

I am really tired and feel like I should nap but I told my sister I would watch my niece and it’s getting close to that time. I really am not up for it but her house is heated so I might just go. I still have the AC in my window which isn’t helping to keep the cold out of my room. But then it has been rainy the past few days so I can’t take it out now. Maybe next week.

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having a crappy day

Having a crappy day

I was up for almost 20 hours yesterday. I just could not go to sleep. Then I wake up around 0630 so I got 5.5 hours of sleep. Lovely. I had my normal bathroom movements, except this one really hurt me. Sometimes if the stool is hard it aggravates a nerve and I am in pain for hours. So to avoid that I thought I would take some nerve pain medicine and hopefully it would make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. It did. Though I woke up with a vicious cramp in my foot. It’s raining today so I decided not to go out and asked my mother to pick up my prescription. She did so now I don’t have to worry about it for another month.

When I got up I decided to play my games. No big deal. I felt like I had gas so I let loose. BIG mistake. It was all fucking stool. I couldn’t believe it and I am still shocked and upset about it. Luckily, it didn’t go through my pants and onto my sheets because I would have been devastated. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I shit some more while I was trying to clean myself. This is the third day that I have pooped my pants and I am very upset about it. I would tell my doctors but they wouldn’t understand. I decided to shower after I cleaned myself the best I could. Then I had a decision to make about my underwear. They were full of crap and I really didn’t want to wash them but I did. My first thought was to throw them out but I was afraid that the smell might arouse suspicion and I didn’t want to get caught with literally dirty underwear. Oh the joys of CES. I took a shower after washing my clothes in the sink. Shower felt nice and I was able to fully wash everything and get the shit off me.

For the rest of the day, I have been terrified of farting. I get gas regularly and the pain that builds up if I don’t let loose kills me. I don’t know what I am going to do going forward. I wrote to my group about it and there is a guy that uses protection so I am going to find out what that is so I can use it too. I can’t be too careful when it comes to the bowels. I have gotten used to leaking but I still have not gotten used to crapping myself. It takes a little bit of my self esteem every time I have an accident.

My day was shot after this as I didn’t want to risk losing my bowels in public. Part of the reason I was still home was because my foot cramped up just prior to my waking up around 11. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today. But it just wasn’t in the works after my pooping incident. Thankfully, my therapist called me within a half hour of this happening or who knows what I would have done to myself. I really was contemplating drinking gin until I passed out. Turns out I didn’t need the gin after all as I was able to go back to sleep around 2. I needed the rest as the whole experience just wiped me out. I am so glad my mother wasn’t home. It would have been horrible for her to see me like this.

I made a lot of online purchases today and paid my bills. Now I am broke until my next monthly paycheck. But the stuff I purchased online was stuff that I needed, like diapers and batteries, and my cereal. You can’t go wrong with less than 4 dollars for a box of shredded wheat. I know that the grocery story sells it for at least 5 bucks or more for the big box. I also got a couple of new books. Those will be my writing rewards for when I actually write for my book again.

My father canceled his cardiology appointment for tomorrow. I have to be the asshole to actually call the office and tell them he won’t be coming in. So all the stressing over my therapist’s time was for nothing. I texted her asking her if the time was still available to call me. 10 bucks says she no longer has it available.

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books and pressures

Had a hectic day today. I walked 0.8 miles and I feel pretty good about it, though my ankle disagrees. I have been up since 5. I made breakfast, showered, and had coffee all before 8 am. Which left me an hour and half to play my game and decide what to wear. It was cold and rainy today so I wanted to be warm but not too warm because I knew I would be walking. I hate sweating. Luckily for me it stayed cool and I didn’t overheat.

I think one of my upcoming blogs I am going to do a book review on “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes. It has been a while since I last read it and by chance I found it today while looking for something else. It is my autographed copy of the book. I will send the link to the author as well as post it on Amazon. It won’t be too long of a blog but will describe the essence of what it is to manage suicidality.

I will be ordering two books tomorrow when I get paid. They are books I normally wouldn’t purchase but I need a change of what I am reading. I still haven’t gotten through the book on the civil war or Andrew Solomon’s book, “Far From The Tree” (FFTT). Both books are lengthy, over 500 pages. In fact, I have a little over 500 pages to read for the civil war book. He just keeps dragging out the year 1861. And I am not the type to skip pages so I am plugging along as much as I can without getting annoyed. It took me 276 pages to get to the civil war alone!! If you want to read this book that discusses the economic ways of the war, Battle Cry for Freedom is for you.

FFTT I haven’t touched in almost two months, since I left the hospital. It made for good reading for nights when I couldn’t sleep and because I had a single, I could keep the light on until my meds kicked in or I got sleepy enough to go to bed. It is a very interesting book about disabilities in children and how their parents deal with it. Mostly I am reading about the families that are well off enough to have their child go through expensive treatments. He doesn’t seem to talk about those families that are no so well off and struggle to make ends meet. However he does talk about the organizations for the different disabilities he discusses.

Overall, today has been a productive day for me. I hope that tomorrow I am not too sore because I really want to go to Starbucks and work on my coauthored book. I think if I get out of the house a little bit every day, even if I don’t want to, it will help me in the long run. Trick is ACTUALLY getting out of the house because it is so easy for me to roll over and go back to sleep. But I have a few errands tomorrow so I’d like to leave the house and do it rather than stay at home with the laptop.

For two days straight now, I have crapped my pants. I am so disgusted because I thought I got everything after my BM today. But nope. I must have passed gas or something to make the stool come out. I am purchasing diapers online so I don’t have to worry about the funny looks in the store. Turns out that if I buy them online and spend $25, I get free shipping. So I am throwing in some batteries too. We need “real” batteries, like Duracell, for our carbon monoxide detector. My mother refuses to buy the good kind and so buys the cheap brand. We have had to replace the batteries twice so far this year, over the course of 6 months! It is annoying!! I am hoping on days that I am out of the house for more than four hours, I can have protection and save my underwear. Luckily, I didn’t leak today or I would really be hitting the gin.

I came home and thought I was “relaxed” as I haven’t done anything strenuous in the first hour I was home so I took my blood pressure to see what it was. Not a good reading, 145/100. I am upset with myself. I will be monitoring it from now on because yesterday at my doctor’s appointment it was high. I thought I had my blood pressure under control but I guess I don’t. Fucking pisses me off that I have another thing to worry about because it’s not like my body is going to tell me I am running high. I have to use a machine to do that. Now I really have to try and lose weight so I can bring my pressure down some. I wish I could decrease my stress levels but dealing with my father is not going to do it, especially if he is going to have surgery in the upcoming weeks. So I have to monitor my pressure to keep myself in check. If it gets any higher, I will have to inform my PCP. I can’t be letting it skyrocket.

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Pain relief and oblivion

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.

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Been up since four

Been up since Four

I have been up since four in pain. I took something to calm it down hoping I would go back to sleep but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I slept four hours before I was rudely awakened. I then had breakfast with my mother. We both had the same thing, an egg McMuffin. She made hers her way and I made mine my way. I then hoped to get some sleep but I had a cup of tea and that woke me up. I have been going since. I walked to the store to get some half and half for tomorrow’s coffee, but they didn’t have it. I was bummed so I walked a little more to get some exercise.

I have been playing my game since this morning. The only thing annoying is that the mouse seems to have a mind of its own. I can’t seem to place down crops with it going all over the place first. And trying to drag the homestead is torture. I literally have to hold on to something on the stead to move the board around.

I really wish baseball would play tonight. But it doesn’t until Tuesday. I can only figure they planned it that way so it doesn’t interfere with the NFL games (American football for my UK friends). All this rest is no good for the players, in my opinion. They will play like shit once the game starts.

Today has been a cool day but I still have my ceiling fan on. It’s a little stuff in my room as I keep the door closed at all times. I do this so I don’t hear the noise downstairs of my mother playing her dice game or the TV that is on close to full blast. My mother is deaf so needs things to be loud.

Today while on Facebook, it suggested my consultant as a friend. I couldn’t believe it so had to go to the profile to see if it was truly him. It was. I didn’t friend him because of professional boundaries, but thought it really cool of him to be on social media finally. Now if only I can get him on Twitter.

It has been a while since I last talked to him about stuff. I sent him my book, autographed and everything. I felt like he should have a copy as he has a chapter in it. I don’t know if he read it. He hasn’t written back to me about that. Come to think of it, neither has my psychiatrist really. She did say that is was very personal, which it is. Maybe it is too personal. I just know I haven’t sold a book in a month and that means that I will probably get charged a fee on my checking account. I just did some promoting via Twitter and a Facebook group. I don’t know if it helps but it is worth a shot. Self promoting is a big thing and you need energy for it, especially when you don’t have an agent. I emailed one back in September but never heard back so I don’t think she picked me. Oh well. Her loss, right? Right.

I know I should be working on my co-authored book but my ideas are running low and I think they are stupid. Plus I don’t know what to write exactly because there are no guidelines to really help me. And my co-author isn’t being to helpful with her general ideas about things. I need things to be specific. I am a condensed writer so I cut out the heart of the matter and just get right to the point. I already wrote 17 pages, which is a start but when I was editing, I realized I repeated the same thing three times!! So the best written lines stay and the rest get deleted. That is going to be so hard! I think the third set says it best though. I just have to work on the beginning a little more. Maybe if I write like I did my book it will help me. Like write the introduction, chap 1, etc. it will give me some sort of goal. I don’t know how we are going to mesh this. We haven’t talked about that because she has other fish frying right now. She hopes to publish on of her books sometime in 2015 so I have been giving her some leeway on our book. She wants to have it done by 2016 for the AAS conference. I don’t know if I will be able to attend. It is in Chicago and I would love to go as I love Chicago but my finances are nothing. I’m struggling as it is and saving money is not possible. I was hoping my book was going to be more successful than it has been but it’s not. I feel like a failure because it’s not. People tell me that at least I got a book done. Yea, but I care if they read it because what is the point of writing a book if no one is going to read it??

This week is going to be a long one. I have two doctor appointments for my father. I am going to be wiped out by the end of the week. I am hoping to keep my therapy appointment but it might have to be on the bus or at the train station. Those are my only alternatives as I have to be near my father’s house around 12:30 pm to get my sister’s car so we can get to his appointment on time. I am going to have wicked anxiety about this. Course, just thinking about it now is giving me anxiety. I might cancel the appointment just so I don’t stress myself out. Dealing with my father is going to be stressful enough as it is.

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Saturday Blog 12

Saturday Blog 12

There were a couple of blow out games in college football today. One was the embarrassing Texas A&M vs. Bama, 59-0. Second game was with Ohio State 53-17. I am more of an Ohio State fan than I am of Bama. But I couldn’t believe these teams going in there scoring and just beating the crap out of the other team. I would have loved to have watched it but I like watching the scores on Twitter. Nebraska will be starting shortly, but they are on the BTN tv and I don’t have that channel. So back to Twitter again. I hope Ameer Abdullah gets his 122 yards to make 1,000 yards rushing. This guy is a beast!!

Today has been another exhausting pain day. I woke up around 7ish and then was able to go back to sleep a few hours later and that sucked whatever energy I had out the window. I only took one pain pill today because although I have been in pain, I knew this pain wasn’t going to be helped by opioids. It sucks and the only thing that would help would probably be gabapentin but that would seriously knock me on my ass.

I hate it when there is nothing that I can take for my pain. I am going to take the gabapentin and hope that I don’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I will be taking my night time meds soon. I just wish I knew what was causing this pain. I have literally been in bed for most of the day because I have been sleeping so I don’t understand why I am in pain. Throw the whole tendonitis theory out the window. Laying down doesn’t seem to help it and neither does standing on it so I don’t know what to do. The pain is quite intense throbbing starting from the middle of the side of my leg down into my foot. It is annoying as all hell.

I really wanted to go to the store today to get half and half so I could make coffee. I miss having it at home. But I can’t drink the coffee black and I can’t drink it with milk. I will just be wasting it. And it is not like I am buying cheap coffee to be thrown down the drain.

The side effects of the pink pill are in effect. I can feel the spasticity in my forearms again. So I just took a pill to counteract it. I hate that these side effects are happening more frequently than they have before. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this but scheduling an appointment has been difficult. We are trying to shoot for Halloween but I haven’t heard back from her. The thing about the spasticity is that every time it happens, I think it is a MS flare up or something. I know I don’t have MS but people with CES can mimic MS symptoms. I don’t have any weakness though, least not that I know of, other than in my damn foot. It’s just something I like to discuss with her to calm my fears about MS.

It’s difficult being on this medication but I need to be on it to keep the voices at bay and the paranoia and delusional thinking that can happen. I have been taking it every other day to try to keep away the side effects but that doesn’t seem to be helping. And when I get stressed for some reason, the psychosis is worse. I am not stressed at the moment or I think I would be drinking more. The gabapentin that I took really zoned me out for a few hours and now it is hitting me again with dizziness and fatigue. I need to lay down so I will stop here.

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Another Pain Day

Another Pain Day

I have been up since 6 this morning. I tried to go back to sleep but I failed miserably. Ankle has decided to be a bitch today. I realized that since I have been in the house for most of the week, I can’t do hills. I went to pick up my niece from her after school program and I was so out of breath from walking up the little hill to my street. I used to do that with no problems. Now it is a problem and I don’t like it. Granted being in pain didn’t help matters. I then went up the two flights of stairs and I didn’t have a problem breathing. HUH?? Why is it I get winded on hills but not the stairs?? Strange.

I didn’t go out today, other than to pick up my niece. I wanted to go to the store and get some cream but I was in too much pain and I didn’t want to waste spoons. I took a shower before picking up my niece and that was pushing it. But I had to change because it has been a few days since I last took one.

Despite the temperature cooling off outside, it is hot in my room. So I have the AC on to cool off. The heat is not helping my ankle. I just can’t stand it being more than 70 degrees in my room. It just feels stuffy. I am trying to stay awake while writing this but it’s difficult as I am so tired. I am in so much pain though I doubt I will sleep. It has been an 8 out of 10 all day today. I don’t see the new foot doc until Halloween. I am trying to schedule an appt with my pdoc the same day but she is being elusive with her emails. I give her a time frame I can see her and she doesn’t respond. She did call in a refill for me seeing as I will run out by the time I do see her again.

I waited all day for a stupid secretary to call me back and she never did. I will have to call on Monday now. Just drives me crazy when people say they are going to call and they don’t.

God, I wish I did something to have this pain that I am in but I didn’t do anything. I might have done a few more stair climbs than usual because I have had the hungry horrors today but that has been it. I really can’t stand this anymore. It’s driving me crazy. But watch, my ankle is going to “miraculously” be okay the day I see the doc. I am sure that day is going to be a low pain day. OI. And there is a hurricane in the mix this weekend so maybe that is why my pain is off the charts. I don’t know anymore. I have decided that I am just going to do what I do and the hell with the consequences because my ankle is going to do what it is going to do no matter what. I don’t have control over the pain levels any more. Gone by the way side is taking one pain pill a day. Now it’s 4-6 pills a day. And sometimes, that isn’t enough. There is no getting ahead of the pain because the pain occurs so out of the blue like it is hard to gauge when you are going to have a flare up. Surprisingly, I am not suicidal throughout these pain episodes. I think if I were, I would have to be hospitalized. But then, I wonder which side of the fence I would be hospitalized, medical or psych? If I am suicidal because of pain and if you take the pain away, then I am no longer suicidal. It’s a tough call. I think there have been times I have wanted to page my psychiatrist because I don’t know what to do anymore and I am staring at a bottle of pills. Then there will be other times where I just wish I was dead. There is no medium. There is no one I can commiserate with. No one understands. You tell them you have an injured ankle and they immediately ask “how did you do that”? I have no answer because there was nothing I did that caused this. Least not that I know of. And that is the frustrating part. Maybe I just have CRPS and that is the price I have to pay because I have “evil” thoughts. I don’t know.

The other day I read that some where in Michigan, a body was found at a shopping center. It reminded me of a twisted short story I read by Lawrence Block years ago. There were these two brothers that would vacation together. It seemed normal. They both planned to go to a different state and do some vacationing. Except toward the end of the trip, they would kidnap a lady at a shopping center and do their business with her then kill her and leave her in the woods or some remote place. Creepy story because it had a realness to it. That is what I love about Lawrence Block’s books. He just recently had one of his books turned into a movie. I haven’t seen it yet because, again, it is a twisted story. There are these two guys that love to mutilate women’s breasts before killing them. But they kidnap the women for ransom first. I have read the book at least three times. It is a good book, but I don’t know that I can see what I have read.

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baseball and other things

Baseball and other things

Two pitchers that are on opposing teams have made the post season. Jake Peavy (SF Giants) and John Lackey (St. Louis Cards) used to be pitchers for the Red Sox organization and then were traded so the team could be worse. I am happy that one of them will make it to the World Series again this year. I am just having trouble rooting for one of the teams. I like both pitchers, though I am partial to Lackey because of all that he overcame with his Tommy John surgery. I am undecided for now and will wish them well until they reach the final playoffs. Then I will root for the NL team because I don’t think the Royals have what it takes to be WS champs. I could be wrong but I know with rest, team doesn’t do well when they get back into the game. I have seen it time and time again.

My ankle is absolutely being a brat today. I woke up around 6 with it hurting and it hasn’t stopped since. I don’t know what I am going to do anymore, or not do. I wanted to get some cream for coffee today but it was pouring cats and dogs out so I stayed in. It’s been a miserable, muggy day. And today I hate CES more than usual because I had a BM that caused me to have nerve pain in my bottom for the last few hours. That is driving me crazy but it seems to be dwindling now that I have taken my pain meds. I was going to take some gabapentin for it and I might tonight to help me sleep better. I am trying not to drink. I forgot to take my heartburn medicine last night and now I have heartburn up the wazzoo. I know if I drink gin, it will flare up worse than it is now.

In other news, I heard that one of my favorite pitchers wife was hacked. She had nude pics on her phone and hackers hacked the phone. Why in the world would you take nude pics of yourself?? I don’t understand it. Stop being a dumbass and things like that won’t happen!

I feel really rotten. My ankle is still being a bitch. Pain meds have lowered the pain but not by much. I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t get pain relief soon. I am already on the verge of crying. It won’t take much to let myself go, especially after what happened this week. I just hope that when I buy the diapers next week, I don’t get funny glances. I would purchase them in Amazon but I would pay too much for shipping and they are more expensive. Plus they don’t have the size I want. Sucks man.

I still have to write something for this book that I am co-authoring. The ideas have been percolating in my brain but no clear thoughts have run through it. I was going to do it today but I can’t seem to write when I take pain medication. I either get hungry or I need to sleep. I will try to do it tomorrow, if I don’t get interrupted by anyone. I am expecting just one phone call tomorrow from my father’s surgeon’s secretary. He finally agreed to have surgery. I am thankful for that. Now he won’t be such a grump and be hopefully more comfortable.

I had therapy today and like all days toward the end of the week, she is quiet. She was animated yesterday but today she was quiet. I really didn’t want to talk to her. By half way through session, I was thinking about hanging up on her. But I knew she would call back and I would hate that. I don’t remember much of what we talked about, only that we talked about my blog and the last blog I sent her about being mad at her. I think we are going to be seeing less of each other next week as next week I got a few days where I am taking my father for doctors appointments. I just hope that I can squeeze her in on Thursday. Otherwise, we are not talking that week. And that will suck.

Posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Random 747

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.

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