Feeling better, physically at least

Feeling better, physically at least

I woke up with a start because I thought I was going to lose control of my bladder. It’s the hurry up and run situation. It was still dusk out so I didn’t have to turn on the lights, except my bedroom light so I could see where I was going. I am feeling better than I was yesterday but I am still feel nauseous. Post nasal drip is not helping me out any. I still don’t have any appetite. But I plan on making an egg burrito in a couple of hours. I should have juice with it but am afraid the acid might make me sick as I am not feeling 100%.

I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up at 0244 and then again a few hours later. But I don’t feel as sick as I did so that is good. I hope my appetite comes back because I am seeing my friend tonight for dinner. It will suck if he eats and I dabble. I am looking forward to meeting my friend more than just having dinner with him. I enjoy his company and our talks. He is a good friend.

Since cyber Monday, I have been getting a shit load of junk email. Prices have been marked down so buy this and that. I just got one from Vitamin Shoppe. I wish I could unsubscribe from them but there is no stupid link to do so. I must get at least 5 emails from them a day. It is so annoying. I would block them but I order from them occasionally so need to have them in my contacts.

I’m still depressed. I just can’t get away from the cloud of depression. It follows me everywhere. I wish there was something I could take for it to make it go away. But I think I have suffered too long with it that there is no recovering from it. Sometimes I am at peace with it but when it’s accompanied by pain, all bets are off. I cannot tolerate psychache, least not like I used to. I used to have a high tolerance for pain. I think I still do, but I grow weary of being in pain all the time. It’s annoying. And there is no relief in sight. It’s not like I can take two aspirins and be okay. Maybe for my general physical pain I can do that, but not with psychache. It’s all in the mind and there is nothing soothing when you feel it. It consumes you to no end.

I have to take a shower sometime today before I go out. That is going to be the greatest task today. I feel crummy mentally so I don’t really want to shower. I think I am going on three days of no showering. It’s so hard when you feel like crap. I think I will try to take one around 0900 today. Then I can go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. If I time it right, I might be able to squeeze in a nap before my therapist’s appointment. I know I will be tired around 1000 or so. I usually am when I wake up around dusk or earlier. I’m going to need rest today if I am going to make it to my friend’s dinner date.

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It’s cold and I’m hurting

It’s Cold and I’m hurting

Bloody temp was suppose to go up to at least 40 degrees but never made it passed 33 degrees all day. And the wind has been horrible. At the train station while waiting for the bus, it was like a wind tunnel. You could barely open the doors the wind was so strong. I opted to take a different bus home because they had an entire class of 2nd or 3rd graders waiting for my bus that I usually take. HELL NO. They were so damn noisy. I still made it home in time but I got sick when I came home. I think I might be having withdrawals from my pain meds because I am out of them. The script is ready now, I just have to pick it up but the world is fricken spinning when I stand up. I nearly fell when I came up to my room. How I managed not to fall over while undressing and changing into my PJs is beyond me. Now I have to go back out again and I really don’t want to. I had to take a strong pain pill because if I am in withdrawal, I figure something is better than nothing. I never went a full 24 hour period without taking at least one pill. And running out isn’t my fault. I should have had my script Friday but because of the change in my pharmacy’s damn policy, I am made to suffer. The pharmacist is going to hear about this. I will need to know if my doc needs to write a diagnosis on future scripts or not. Such a pain in the ass.

My cousins from Texas visited my aunt today so I got to see them. It was nice talking to them. I haven’t seen them since last year. I used to visit them when they lived in DC but they moved to Texas earlier this year. My cousin works for Exxon/Mobil and moved back to headquarters I guess. They used to live there for a long time before going to DC. They now have two cats which are adorable. Last time he sent me pics, they were kittens.

I got some upsetting news from my psychiatrist today. She will be having her hip replaced because her hip never healed right after the fall she took last year. I feel so bad for her. She will be out of the office from Dec 11 till the first week in Jan. She said she will keep in touch via email. I hope so. I care for her so much. I hope she recovers well. She gave me my scripts that I will need in her absence. The hospital will be going to a new electronic system and she won’t be able to print out scripts from home for my Ativan. That will totally stink. But I can’t fill it yet as it will be too early. I just filled it two weeks ago but she rather me have the script now than with the new system. She is too funny when she was describing all the clicking involved. I am sure she will get the hang of it like she did the old system when it was new. Still, I won’t see her before the holidays and that is sad. I guess when you need a new hip, you need a new hip.

I haven’t told my therapist yet. I figure I will tell her tomorrow when I walk with her. We don’t have that much to talk about tomorrow, other than how the holidays went. I barely remember it. I know one thing, I will never buy food before a holiday again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was telling my psychiatrist that I had a hard time deciding what to eat because I have so much stuff. I feel like giving it away. I am just one person. Other than my powerade, steak, and butternut squash, there is nothing more that I really want. I ate a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks today and that was all I ate. I am still full from that one sandwich. I should have something to eat as I didn’t have lunch. I just don’t know what to have. Maybe that is why I am dizzy too. I haven’t had anything to drink either. I just had my mocha this morning. I have been trying to drink Powerade but it’s slow going because I have no thirst. I am a mess. I blame the depression. If only I could lose some weight instead of gaining it, but I just am not active enough. Stupid ankle.

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Feeling Depressed, What’s New

Feeling depressed, what is new

I woke up from my nap in time to take my night meds. I didn’t prepare them in my pill box like I had planned so just took the “important” stuff and my pain meds. I am now out of my pain meds thanks to Walgreens and their new policy of needing a diagnosis code with long term opioid use. I thought I would make it till Monday but with all the rain we have had the past two days, I am just in a lot of pain. I only have my strong pain meds and I hate to take them because they always back me up. I already didn’t go today. I kept getting bowel cramps but nothing happened. I can’t take senna tonight because I need to go out tomorrow. Usually if I go out, I don’t take senna because I never know when I am going to go and I hate going to the bathroom in public places. I like my own toilet for number twos.

I need to call my doctor’s office tomorrow and tell them to call the pharmacy so I can have my meds. I hate having to call, but I also need my pills so I have no choice. Whole thing is making me depressed, not like I wasn’t to begin with.

I was reading on Twitter that someone did research on chronic pain and found that they found suicide “preferable” than living with chronic pain. The person was upset to find this out because she suffers from chronic pain. I can easily see why suicide would be preferable. I would be interested to read this article. I think I will contact her and see if she can send it to me. I find that reading these type of studies helps acknowledge my pain, both mentally and physically. I wrote in my “typical day” section of my disability paperwork that I often think about suicide and plan my death, then go back to sleep, which is true. I spend most of my time thinking about how to kill myself. I can’t help it sometimes because I just want to escape from myself and my pain. I find that planning my death helps me cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it, but it’s nice to know I have an out plan.

I don’t know why I am so depressed tonight. I have been sleeping most of the day, which is a rarity. I still feel like I could sleep some more. I had a weird dream before waking up. It was more of a disgusting dream. But the important thing is that I woke up before I peed the bed as in the dream I was ready to pee. I hate when I am always in the bathroom in the dreams when I have to pee. It feels so real until I wake up and my bladder is hurting because it’s so full. I would have been very upset if I peed the bed. It would be another indication that I am not 100% normal. It’s bad enough that I leak, and sometimes that upsets me but lately I have gotten used to it. I am just so tired of fighting this stuff every day. I have been dehydrated for the last few weeks as my pee as has been orange. It seems like no matter what I drink or how much, I can’t get it to be clear. I must have seriously not been drinking enough for a long time. But it’s hard to drink because I don’t want to leak. It’s just a bad cycle.

I would like a cup of tea but it’s late and it might keep me up. I really can’t have a long nighter because I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don’t have any herbal teas except for chamomile. I really don’t want chamomile. But it might help me sleep better. I do have honey. I bought it with my grocery order. I don’t know where it is though. It’s still in with all my grocery that I couldn’t find a place for as my kitchen cabinets are full. It will be freezing on the porch where I have my stuff. Course I don’t really need honey. I just want something warm to drink. Maybe that will shake off some of this feeling down by having something relaxing to drink. I should have bought orange tea by Bigelow but I wasn’t thinking. I will get it my next order.

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Feeling Blah on a Sunday

Feeling blah on a Sunday

Surprisingly, I slept about 7 hours last night. I didn’t wake up till around 0830, but I woke up a few times because I was in pain. Luckily, just changing position helped. I woke up and there was pain again but I figured I might as well get up. I had something to eat but I felt like crap. I went back to bed. Then my mother called me to see if I was going to Walgreens. She goaded me into picking up her prescription. I really didn’t want to leave the house. A few hours later, my sister called me to babysit so I had no choice but to go to Walgreens and then babysit. The walking was a bad idea. It was cold out, a lot colder than I was expecting despite the sun being out.

I watched my niece until my brother in law came home. I made some lunch and then started this blog. I just really feel out of it and I just want to sleep. There isn’t a football game until 2030, well one that I really want to see. I am following the baseball chatter on Twitter and I am not liking what I am hearing. The asshole David Price wants 7 yrs/210 million. I really don’t think the sox will pay for that as he sucks in the post season. I really do not want him in a Sox uniform. I just don’t think he will fit in because he and David Ortiz doesn’t get along.

I don’t know why I am so sleepy today. I haven’t taken any pain medications, yet. I have really low energy, indecision galore, and just a blah feeling. It took me almost an hour to decide what I wanted to make for lunch. I bought so much food and I just couldn’t pick one. I might have some yogurt later. I am still hungry but I really want to nap. I wish I could write all of this for my disability paperwork. Maybe I will attach the heart full of pain blog.

I got a tweet from the Jobes lab today. They finally read my tweet that I sent them about the blog I wrote about Dr. Jobes. They said they will make sure he sees it. I hope he likes it.

I think for my birthday, when I go out with my sisters, I am going to have a 7 and 7. I have been wanting to try this combo. I’ve never had it before. I want one drink, at least. It’s doesn’t feel like Sunday to me. It’s 1500, and I am going back to sleep. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.

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Quote of the Day 29 Nov 2015

Suicide in theory should never come as a total surprise if one knew enough about the intimate inner life over the entire course of the individual’s psychological history.–Edwin Shneidman, Definition of Suicide

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Saturday Blog 37

Saturday Blog 37

I got my haircut today. It’s a little shorter than I usually get it but I like it. It’s totally a military cut. My mother is going to fucking flip when she see me. So far I haven’t seen her yet. I need to take a shower to get the excess hair off me before I start itching. I really don’t want to shower but I need to.

My night went okay. I slept pretty good, until about 0640. I woke up in pain so had to take some pain meds. When I woke up, I was still in pain. Found out it was raining so that is the reason for my pain. I hurt every time it rains. I checked the status of my pain meds and found it still wasn’t ready to be picked up. I thought that was kind of odd so called the pharmacy. The pharmacy changed their policy for long term opioid use and needs a damn diagnosis code from the doctor in order to process the order. It’s the damn weekend and they closed early yesterday so I am screwed till Monday. Just fucking great. I still have enough pills to get me through until Monday but still, the aggravation of not getting my pills on time kills me. I also had a bad dream where someone picked up my meds so I was screwed. The terror of this happening was so real it woke me up. I had a mini anxiety attack. But it didn’t happen. I know people where there does happen. And it’s totally the pharmacy’s fault for not giving it to the right person, in my opinion. Now I need to make sure my doc writes down the diagnosis code on my script when I get it filled. I am so angry that I have to wait because of a technicality.

I don’t know if I will be going to the party tonight. It’s at 1800. I hate late parties. If my ankle isn’t better, I am not going. I am not going to stay at a party and put on a “happy” face while I am in pain. Just walking to the barber shop and back hurt, and it was literally just a block and a half from my house. I hate not being able to walk this distance without pain.

My Amazon stuff that I ordered came in. I have my Combos snacks, a couple of movies, and a couple of books. One is the Outsiders which I haven’t read since I was a kid. I love the movie and the book. I love all of S.E. Hinton’s books. I follow her on Twitter, too. She is an amazing person. But before I can read this new book, I have to finish the other book I started on the Civil War.

I bought a book about suicide risk management. I bought it because it has the paper that I wanted by someone and now I can’t remember what the paper or the author was called. Looking through the chapters didn’t jog my memory. I will have to read the last paper I read and see if that stirs up the memory. I got it cheap, only $5 and it was the last copy on Amazon.

After the attack on that Planned Parenthood place, I really don’t think America has to worry about outside terrorists. They just have to worry about its own citizens causing the terror and shooting up places. And the more that nothing gets done about these attacks, the more it’s going to get the Americans jaded to it as it’s becoming more common than not. Aliens have nothing to do with the American people. They are just gun loving. They also don’t seek power like the aliens do. They just shoot up a place and then usually die by cop. I really think it’s going to take a senator or congressperson’s son or daughter to get killed in these attacks in order for change to occur. Until then, it’s going to happen randomly across America. I know I will stay home more because as much as I am suicidal, that is not how I want to go.

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Quote of the Day 28 Nov 2015

“No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one’s own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy”

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Quotes | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real

I got papers from the SSA today. I am under review to see if I am still disabled. I might have to see their doctors and the whole process has me very nervous. I am still under a deep depression and still want to kill myself. If that isn’t being disabled, I don’t know what is. I struggle to do most things lately. Just going to my doctor’s office today to get my prescription left me exhausted. I had to take a nap. Then I woke up and I was in more pain than I was in. I think the pain meds wore off. I hate that I have to take them sometimes around the clock to keep the pain in check. I don’t know how I can be seen as “fit to work”. I still have the delusions about the bad people in the Middle East. Just before going to sleep, I was thinking about it and what I would tell the doctor. I don’t think anyone believes my story. If I have to see a physical doctor, I think I would be screwed. I am in pain but not in enough pain during the day. I just hope my mental disability is enough to keep me on SSA.

I have been so depressed lately. I just stay in my PJs all day. I never really get dressed unless I have to go out. It takes me a long time to figure out what I am wearing, even though it’s pretty much the same clothes it was the last time I went out. The weather is somewhat warmer, which is weird for November. It reached 60 degrees F. today. It’s better than the cold weather we had last week.

My cousin has been trying to reach me. He is the one with bipolar disorder and physically healthy but makes me do the damn stairs when my mother goes shopping. He drives me nuts because every time I talk with him, it’s the same thing. He asks me several times how I am doing, then we talk about our money issues or lack there of. The struggle with depression. Then he hangs up. I don’t get it. He left me a message the other night like he hasn’t talked to me in years. It was very strange. I never called him back. I just don’t feel like talking to people. And tomorrow I am supposed to go to my little cousin’s birthday party. I really don’t feel like being around family, especially my mother’s side. If my ankle hurts at all, I am not going. I feel bad for not seeing my other cousin from Texas but I got to take my health in consideration. I have a lot of cousins on my mother’s side of the family. And the family still is growing. My cousin Jonny’s girlfriend is pregnant so there will be another little one around. They don’t stay little forever. I remember when Jonny was little. He is almost 30 now.

I wrote on my papers that I sleep a lot. I just don’t have the energy like I used to. I didn’t even write in my journal when I went out this morning. I brought it with me in case I did, but I didn’t. I always carry it with me because if I don’t, I will want to write. I did write in my “night” journal before I took a nap. I have to write something a little each day so that I am not far behind. Because I use my blog so much as my journal, I sometimes don’t actually write.

I have decided that after this month, I am not keeping up with the Quote of the Day blogs. I am having trouble finding quotes from Shneidman. I could use other authors but I really like Shneidman because it keeps with my blog, which centers around suicidality. I also wrote that on my SSA papers that I am suicidal a lot. I haven’t been in the hospital in a year but that doesn’t mean that I won’t in the future. In fact, I am thinking of going soon because I feel so lousy. But I need to go with my father for some medical appointments so it will need to go after that. My sister will have to do his meds. I don’t care which sister it is. He won’t care that I am in the hospital. As long as his needs are met, that is the important thing. He doesn’t care about me or my issues.

I really don’t want to go to the hospital, only because I take a lot of medication and I am afraid like last time, there will be more to take than what I am currently on. They always split up one of my blood pressure medicines so instead of taking one pill, I take 4. I might bring the bottle with me so that they can use it and I don’t have to take so many pills. I don’t really care that I will be babysat or that at night the idiot will shine a light in my eyes to see if I am alive. I hate that bitch, but whatever. Complaining never does anything. That is if I get on the unit I want. Last time I had to wait and actually go to the hospital to get a bed there. That meant hauling my stuff via the public transportation system. It was rough. I only had two bags but they were full. This time I might bring a suitcase so I just carry one bag. I hate packing for the hospital. But for whatever reason, it “knocks” me into staying longer. Only thing that will suck is that I can’t have sessions with my therapist because she is not a member of the hospital system. We can talk for a little bit but that is all. It’s just disruptive. I don’t do anything different than I do when I am inpatient. I might go to the groups if they interest me but mostly they don’t because they are DBT based or they are arts and crafts. I don’t do arts and crafts. I think it’s stupid. But most people like it for whatever reason. On weekends they have psychotherapy group. I wish they had that during the week. It would help so much. But I guess because the “team” caregivers aren’t around, they have the therapy group. I just feel mixed about going. My treaters don’t know that I am thinking about this. If they did, they would encourage me to go in. But I just feel like I can handle things on my own, even though I know I am going in a downward spiral. The pain is just not going away, the psychological pain. And it is the trigger for my suicidality. Pain, perturbation, and press. Those are the three things that Shneidman says are necessary for suicide, in addition to frustrated needs not being met. Right now I just know I am hurting and struggling to breathe. I feel like I am drowning and no one is watching me go down.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quote of the day 27 Nov 2015

The moment that the idea of the possibility of stopping consciousness (popularly called “death”) occurs to the anguished mind as the answer or the way out in the presence of the three essential ingredients of suicide (unusual constriction, elevated perturbation, and high lethality), then the igniting spark has been struck and the active suicidal scenario has begun. Edwin Shneidman, Definition of Suicide

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Mixed Drinks About Feelings lyrics

Mixed Drinks About Feelings”

Turn on a neon light
At least make it feel like night
Put on some this or that
And maybe I won’t feel so bad
Need a little background noise
To drown out this little voice
Running circles ’round my brain
Screaming louder than the pain

My head is spinning
My resolve is reeling
I can tell by the heavy in my heart
I’m going down soon
No use fighting the fight
It’s no contest tonight
My figured out’s never been more confused
Having mixed drinks about feelings and you

Turn off the bedroom light
Put on a brave face and face the night
It’s either get used to this dread
Or the cold spot in our bed
The bottle helps, but the memory burns
The whiskey soothes, but I toss and turn
I’ll find sleep ’til dreams relent
Wake up tired and try again

My head is spinning
My resolve is reeling
I can tell by the heavy in my heart
I’m going down soon
No use fighting the fight
It’s no contest tonight
My figured out’s never been more confused
Having mixed drinks about feelings and you
Having mixed drinks about feelings and you

Turn on a neon light
At least make it feel like night


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