serious pain 3

Back still out

I have been waiting patiently for my back to be normal but I don’t think it is going to happen quickly. It is not hurting me more but it’s not hurting less. I can move a little more, albeit gingerly, but I am moving. I think a few more days rest and I will be okay. I know once I get my pain medication on Friday, things will be much better. Right now I am rationing what I have left because I have so few. If the pain kicks up a bit, I might have to take the stronger pain medication. I hate to do that because I haven’t been moving my bowels the way that I should. Taking this medication basically puts my bowels in a bind, literally. And it is painful to get things moving again.

It is difficult to sit right now, so I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I was in too much pain to sit long enough to type up something. Nothing unusual happened yesterday, except that I couldn’t move without pain, which is similar to today. I did order my burger, which was excellent. I really am glad I had something sustaining as my appetite has been awful the last few days. My mother made cherry tarts today. I hope that I will be able to have one later. I love my sweets. I brought up some skittles to munch on while I am recuperating but they are far from my reach.

I have so much to do yet I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Course being in pain isn’t helping matters. I haven’t been in the mood to read, though I have put my books on my bed in case I get inclined to do so. My therapist was shocked to hear that I haven’t had any caffeinated drinks in about a week now. I haven’t made it to Starbucks and I don’t have any cream to make coffee at home. Plus, I really haven’t been craving coffee products. Right now, I just been concentrating on how to get well so I can move around better.

I thought I lost my phone in my sheets but it was downstairs. The trip downstairs caused me to lose some spoons. I can no longer move upright. So I am going to stop here and rest. Till tomorrow.

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Serious Pain 2

Serious Pain 2

Going on day 2 of not being able to move. Back has seized up making it difficult for any movement. This sucks so bad. I did okay going to my appointment until the last bus I was on stopped short and set off a pain attack. That was fun as I could hardly move to get off the bus. Then walking home from the bus stop took me forever because I was walking short strides, hunched back. I felt like an old crooked man walking down the street.

Well, I didn’t think it was going to be possible, but I am finally tired of listening to 1989 after listening to it straight for a week. I am listening to “Springsteen” by Eric Church right now. It is refreshing to listen to some old music.

This cold still won’t let me be. My throat is still sore and I am congested. Luckily, I haven’t moved to the cough phase of the cold and I hope I don’t as that will surely delay my back getting well.

I had a quick appointment with the NP today. I just told her I needed a refill on my pain meds and she briefly looked at my ankle and wrote up the script. Then she asked for a urine sample. Shit. I couldn’t go so I will have to give one on my next visit. If I had the time to get my coffee, I probably could have gone but there was no way I was going to waste spoons getting it while my back is out of commission.

I heard the verdict for the Ferguson case. I hope that people there stay safe.

I have therapy tomorrow and for once, I am glad that I don’t have to get out of bed to have it. I could barely get undressed when I came home this afternoon. I still am in a lot of pain as I am writing this. What is worse is that I cracked my back when I was getting in bed after I had my dinner. I don’t know how I did it. But man did it hurt. I haven’t been in this much pain since my before my surgery in 2006. I hope I didn’t do anything to my discs. I hope it is just a muscle spasm that will go away with rest and medication. But even though I don’t really do anything all day, it still is hard just to lay down and do nothing. Sitting while playing with my laptop brings me some pain but nothing like standing and walking does.

It was in the 60s today. I am really hot in my flannel PJs and want to change but that will require spoons that I don’t have anymore. So I am just going to stay in them with the covers off. I have to get my wedge to put my feet up. I know that will relieve the pressure on my back and take some off so I can feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can stand up again to grab it. I wish I had someone to get it for me, even though it is just a foot and half from my bed. I was able to reach it with my grabber!! Whoohoo!! I love this thing! It is the best invention ever!! Now I just hope that I can lay on my back with my feet up for the rest of the night. I doubt it because I am such a side sleeper but even if I rest with my feet up for a few hours, that should give me enough relief.

It’s getting late and I think I should be getting to bed. I don’t think I can sit any longer. So thank you for reading.

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Serious Pain

Serious pain

Yesterday, I sneezed and threw out my back. Today my back is still out and I am unable to stand straight without severe pain. Having this bloody cold is not helping my case. I only get relief from pain if I am lying down or sitting without moving any lower extremity muscles. I have taken my pain killers and muscle relaxants but they have not provided me with any real relief. And I am worried that I won’t be able to make my doctor’s appointment tomorrow with the dumb NP. I need to make this appointment because I need to get a refill on my pain meds. I am trying not to worry about it, thinking tomorrow is another day and I might be able to move better than I can right now. I hope so anyway. I haven’t been in this much pain since before my last surgery. It sucks not being able to move. I have tried to do the normal back exercises to ease some of the tension but they just cause me more pain. I really hope I didn’t move a disc out of whack. Last night, I got really paranoid that I was getting CES again because my left leg kept going numb on me. It is okay now and the pain is lessening, but I just need a few more days of rest before going out again. I don’t think I have that much time as I have just about 16 hours before my appointment. I don’t know what this dumb NP is going to do when I tell her I am in pain because I pulled my back out. I hope she doesn’t do the leg lifts because that will just aggravate my nerves like it always does. I am always paranoid when I hurt my back and they want to raise my legs. It aggravates my sciatic nerve and then I really won’t be able to walk out of the office. For now I am just going to relax the rest of the night and hope my bladder doesn’t get too full again that I need to use the bathroom. I just want to rest for a couple of hours straight and hope it helps me.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I really wanted to attend but this damn pain is limiting my sitting time. Plus my dinner was ready around half way through the chat anyways. It took me a long time to get down the stairs and to eat. I didn’t even finish it all because I just wasn’t that hungry. My appetite with this cold and pain has limited my eating. I had to force myself to finish the scrambled eggs I made for lunch.

I wish I had a ride to the hospital tomorrow. That would help me greatly but I don’t. (My outpatient appointment is at the local hospital.) And I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am better tomorrow. I hate being in this much pain.

Last night I came across something I wrote a while ago. I don’t know when I wrote it as I didn’t put a date on it. I hate when I don’t do that. But the content was something Hyde might have written. I got one comment on it, it said that I should “live”. Obviously, this person doesn’t know that I struggle with wanting to die on a consistent basis. The blog was called “don’t call me daughter”. I felt that was fitting as I know my mother is never going to call me her son. And that hurts me to no end. It just makes me want to die all the more because I know I will never be seen as a boy to her. She will never understand me. It hurts knowing this. She can tolerate my tomboyish features but won’t tolerate my facial hair or short boy hair cuts. My cousin has stopped cutting my hair because he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash from my mother. He still styles my hair in a “female” fashion and won’t go below a 2 on the clippers. Drives me nuts.

What drives my suicidality up lately has been pain and no sleep. I think taking the baclofen has helped my sleep. I just wish it helped my pain as well. Once my pain is under control, my suicidality decreases. But right now, with my back being out of sorts, I am kind of wishing I was dead. I hate being in this much pain and nothing helping me. It is making me feel hopeless. And feeling hopeless and suicidal is not a good mix. I hope that I can go to my appointment tomorrow and not be in horrific pain like I am in now. It will really suck because the office is a ways from the T stop.

Just found out one of my high school friends lost her mother last night. She had been battling cancer for sometime now and I guess her time was up. I feel bad for her. My friend is my sister’s age. I can’t imagine losing my mother, even though I can’t stand her at times. Sending out good thoughts and prayers to her family tonight.

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don’t call me daughter

Don’t call me daughter

Just recently, I was discharged from the hospital because of a suicide attempt. The self hate of being in the wrong body grew to unbelievable proportions. I hated my body, myself, my breasts, and my menstrual cycle. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The self-loathing I felt was unimaginable. I don’t know what set me off. That was one of the first questions I was asked when I was in the hospital but it was a cascade of everything in my life from being disabled to being transgender. I didn’t care anymore. I still don’t. I don’t want to live my life in a hole anymore. Sure, I talk about being transgender on my blog but my mother doesn’t know. She will NEVER accept me for being her son. And that hurt is what drives me to suicide. I’d rather die as her daughter than as her son.

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Back Pain Be Damned

Back Pain Be Damned

My back went out today after a couple of sneezes. I decided that despite the pain and limited movement, I was going to get my latte anyway. I took a pain pill and an anti-spasm med and got dressed gingerly. I still have this cold that refuses to let me go. I am getting better but every morning, I awake with severe congestion. If my college football game was on national TV, I probably would have stayed home and watched it than go out with a sore back. Luckily, there was no jerking on the bus rides to and from my home to cause me more discomfort. Walking is really difficult but sitting is ok, least for now.

I brought my prompt questions with me to write for my book but I’m not in the mood to answer them. The pain is too great. I am handwriting this blog to type up later while I drink my toffee nut latte. So back pain be damned! I’m tired of pain limiting my routine and taking away the one joy in my life–Starbucks. I need my coffee/latte to bring me happiness at least for a little while.

I am home now and my back pain has worsened to the point that I can’t stand up straight. Tonight is my 20th year reunion. I won’t be attending. I am in too much pain. It is one thing to go to Starbucks in agony, quite another to spend the night with friends and pretend to have a good time when you are hurting so much. And standing just about kills me so I really cannot attend. This will be the first reunion that I will be skipping.

Funny how when you hurt your back, people come up with the usual questions on how did you hurt it, what you should do for it, etc. I have thrown my back out many times over the years. I know that rest and pain meds are the best solution to it, besides putting my feet up on my wedge while lying down. It helps relieve the pressure on my discs and relaxes the muscles. A heating pad is also helpful, though I can’t really reach mine right now because it is in my third drawer in my bureau. I just can stoop that low to grab it so maybe after the pain pills work, I can get it. Heat can just relax away the stiffness that I feel.

My blog numbers are getting higher and I just realized that I am no closer to my “managing suicidal risk” book review than I was before my 900th blog. I have to start re-reading the book so I can tell you how awesome it is. Then I can post the review on Amazon and send it to Dr. Jobes. I am sure he will love that.

Aside from my back hurting me, my mood is somewhat low. I feel really depressed that I can’t move without pain. My back pain is actually worse than my ankle pain is right now. So I am listening to 1989 to try and cheer myself up, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I hate when I get like this. A friend from Virginia called me tonight to check in on me and I was happy to hear from him. He said my name popped into his head as the sun was going down. I thought that was sweet of him to call me. I miss him. I don’t know if I could ever live in Virginia, maybe temporarily, say for grad school. But I really want to get my PhD from University of Illinois, Urbana/Champagne. I love their campus, but at this point, where ever I get accepted, I will go, provided I have the funds. I basically have to win the lottery to go to grad school at this point. It is very expensive and I can’t get loans because I totally fucked up my student loans. I don’t think I will ever be able to get out from under. And it depresses me more because I am just stuck. That is the worst part of dealing with depression is feeling stuck and knowing you can’t do anything about it. I can’t even finish my Bachelor’s degree because I just can’t afford it. I should try and see if I can get a grant or something, especially as now I am on disability. Maybe I will do that on Monday.

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PT and other stuff

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

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short blog 2

I am still feeling unwell, though I feel better than what I did yesterday. Today I just feel like I have no energy and am really stuffy. Right now I am having side effects from the pink pill so I am not sure how much writing I am going to get done tonight.

I didn’t have therapy today. I slept for most of the day, though I did go to Walgreens to get Nyquil and my corn chips. I wanted two bags but they only had one. I couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t believe how expensive Nyquil is now. For two bottles it used to be 15 bucks. Now it’s 19 bucks. Luckily it was on sale for 14 bucks so I was happy. I wasn’t going to pay $10 for one bottle if I didn’t have to. And I know I will go through the first bottle within the next few days.

I am back to listening to Taylor. I am happy about this. For now it is my one joy. I am too sick to go to Starbucks for coffee or even have coffee. I haven’t had coffee since Monday.

Side effects are affecting my writing so I think I will stop here. If I get a chance I will write later

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random 648

I am not feeling well today. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting. After I had therapy, I broke out in a fever, low grade. It didn’t last too long after I took some naproxen. I still feel shitty. I didn’t know what I was going to have for supper as I didn’t eat lunch. I made some soup. I hope it doesn’t make me sick as it is past its expiration date. So far, I am not feeling worse than I already do. My head still feels fuzzy.

In therapy, we talked more about my father and how crappy I was feeling. I need to go to walgreens to get some Nyquil but after I broke out in a fever, decided against it. She asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day and I said to tend to my crops. Some how she thought I said crabs. Don’t know where her head is. She blamed it on my “accent”. I guess it is funny but I wasn’t in the mood for laughter. We also talked about how my mood is shifting. One minute I will be fine, the next I will be severely depressed. Then back to being fine again. The depression doesn’t last but when it hits, it is like the world is coming to an end. It is worse at night, always worse at night. I don’t know if it’s like a sundown effect or what, but my mood plummets soon after the sun setting. Today that doesn’t appear to be the case as I am too sick to be depressed, I guess. I just feel so awful. It sucks being sick, especially when you don’t have the stuff to make you better. I will go out tomorrow and get my stuff that I need. I don’t have any more naproxen or ibuprofen so if I run a fever again, I am screwed. I was able to get some Tylenol from my mother’s stash. But she doesn’t have ibuprofen. She tends to think that tension headache medicine takes care of her pain. All it is, is Tylenol mixed with caffeine. But as long as it helps her, I am okay with it.

Because my headache is taking the effect of a migraine, I am sensitive to sound and light. I had to stop playing Taylor because the music was not having a pleasurable effect on me. And like I predicted, the songs are playing shuffle in my head. I will start with one song and then later on it will play another song. It keeps changing and then it won’t leave my brain until I actually hear the song, at low volume. I am kind of upset this cold is affecting my music playing. But then, there was construction going on next door and I was very irate most of the day. I couldn’t stand listening to the chainsaw, some kind of diesel vehicle backing up and beeping, and a grinding noise coming from the backyard. It was so annoying. Then it would stop for a few minutes after all the grinding and sawing only to hear the damn vehicle beeping. It finally stopped around 1630.

I think I am totally obsessing over Taylor. I just can’t get enough of her. I auto-record all her interviews and performances. I can’t wait for the American Music Awards to see her sing one of her songs. I don’t know if it will be “blank space” or “shake it off”. “Blank space” got like 46 million views on youtube. If I were technologically inclined, I would post the video on my blog, but I don’t know how to do it. I know people post youtube videos all the time, but I learned how. So if someone wants to leave me a comment on how, please do so!

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Missed Opportunity

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.

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Wet day

Had a long day today. Spent about 3 hours in the hospital with my father for his appointments. At one point I thought I lost him in his language because the front desk ordered an interpreter when we were almost done with the second appointment. But I didn’t. Sometimes when my father starts talking in his native tongue he loses his ability to speak English afterwards. I am guessing it is an age thing. I am fearful that eventually he will only speak his native tongue when he gets older and then we won’t be able to understand him. It will be really sad.

Because snow was “predicted”, I wore boots today. Big mistake. It never snowed and the boots caused my foot to swell. My ankle and foot hate me right now. I am in mega pain. But I think my pain meds have kicked in as I am feeling woozy. I really don’t know what else would be causing me to feel dizzy right now. I could be dehydrated as I only drank a little of Vitamin water and my 20 oz mocha this morning. I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom as I wore a diaper today. I am glad I did because I had a messy fart. I am so glad I wore them today as I had a feeling I was going to have an accident. I don’t know why if I am out of the house for more than 4 hours, my bladder and/or bowels act up. It drives me crazy.

After the appointments with my father, I went to Starbucks to wait for a friend for coffee. But he canceled on me because the weather is so yucky out. So I sat and wrote a little bit in my journal. Then I got antsy and got on the next bus. I had to get out of the boots and jeans I was in. I can’t stand being in jeans for a long time anymore. I don’t know if it is because they are tight on me now or if I just got used to wearing my PJs all the time, or what. I am so glad I don’t have to go out tomorrow.

I have listened to 1989 since I bought the album on the 13th. I haven’t listened to ANY other song except for those on this album. I am so addicted to Taylor’s album that I can’t stop. I even bought Jason Aldean’s new song “Burn it down” but have not listened to it on my phone. I just can’t stop listening to 1989. I have to know every song lyric by lyric. And now I find myself dancing to songs that I really like, which is at least 10 of the 13 songs. The only song I am having trouble learning the lyrics to is “This Love”. For some reason, it just isn’t clicking with me. If I am not playing 1989 on my phone, I am playing it on WMP. Yes, I transferred the files to my laptop. I am planning on making a CD for my niece but there is one song that I don’t think is appropriate for her. I will have to discuss it with her mother.

I guess I have been listening to 1989 non-stop because it makes me feel good listening to the music. If I am not playing the songs, I will be “singing” them in my head and I will have to hear the music. I have never been this addicted to music like I have this album.

Even though I crapped myself today, for the first time I didn’t get upset about it like I usually do. I guess because the diaper caught it I felt safer about it. I know that if I was wearing underwear I would be more upset because it happened while I was out and about. I still have trouble knowing if I am farting air or stool. It sucks when your senses are gone. So don’t take for granted of this sense!! Just like don’t for granted walking. People don’t realize how much goes into walking until you get cauda equina syndrome. And learning to walk again becomes an ordeal.

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