Ankle Chronicles 10

I had to pick up my father’s prescription at the pharmacy today, which meant a lot of walking. It was only about four or five blocks from his apartment to the pharmacy but my ankle decided it wanted no part in it so rebelled. Then I guess the way I was walking to compensate, threw my opposite side hip out. I was not happy. I just wanted to sit and rest but I couldn’t because there was no place to really sit and I wasn’t going to sit on the ground. I get to his apartment and he isn’t there. I started panicking. He knew I was coming over. Then I saw his girlfriend coming towards his apartment. I was really starting to get worried. It’s not like him not to be home when he knows people are coming over. She went to the office while I waited in case he came home. Soon after she got on the elevator to go down, he came off the opposite elevator. I was happy but miffed. He says I should have called him, which next time I will. I see him every week at around the same time so I don’t know why he thought he could leave his apartment.

I had lunch over his place as he cooked and then I left. More walking to the train station. I was a little annoyed with the bus on the way there so decided to take the train home. The bus at the closer station to my house was late, which meant more standing on my already flared up ankle. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk the block and half home. But I sat on the bus and let it rest a little bit. It was a little better by the time I got to my stop but soon as I put weight on it, it flared right up again. I am not doing anything the rest of the day. I got my hair cut this morning and I had lunch thanks to daddio. I should be good for the next few hours until my stomach wants more food and then I will have to see if I really want to eat. I will have to go down the stairs to the kitchen which I know my ankle will just love (saying this sarcastically). I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

My father gave me peppers which I handed over to my mother. She loves green peppers. I do, too. She usually makes peppers and eggs which is alright. I used to love to eat them raw but lately, my stomach has been picky with raw vegetables so I have to eat them cooked. I don’t know why it bothers my stomach. I take a stomach pill that should protect my stomach and not cause any problems. But eating raw peppers causes me to get heartburn.

I started getting a little hyper this morning. I know I was really irritable when I was going to my father’s on the bus. The bus driver was being trained so was driving really slow and of course, every stop had a passenger to either pick up or drop off. Then we got to a busy square and there was a lady whose card wasn’t working. Must have been trying to make it work for more than five minutes and to me in my manic brain was forever. It drove me berserk because it held up the people behind her. I just wanted the bus to fricken go. I should have taken the fricken train but the bus stops near the pharmacy that I had to go to so I could do less walking. I was getting very annoyed that even Luke Bryan’s music wasn’t calming me down. I guess it was good that I walked as much as I did just to relieve the stress and agitation I was feeling, even though it caused me pain. I still feel annoyed and I don’t know why. I feel like I drank several cups of coffee when all I had was a cup of tea at like seven this morning. This manic stuff has got to stop eventually, right?

I took an Ativan because I am starting to feel desperate over my situation. I know that if I page my pdoc, she might suggest the hospital and I don’t want to be in the hospital. I am not homicidal or suicidal. I just feel really agitated and I don’t think they hospitalize you for that. I am not psychotic, even though I have been talking to my voices more. But they are my normal voices, not different ones. I am also not delusional or paranoid. I just am irritable and agitated. The most the ER would do is give me drugs to calm me down. I have drugs at home I can take. I don’t need to be in the ER to take their drugs or waste time there. I might take a trilafon if the Ativan doesn’t work. Least I am cooped up in my room with the AC on. I also took my pain meds for my ankle to calm it down. I am just so annoyed that I am in pain. Maybe the pain is what is causing the anxiety to shoot up. Not like that hasn’t happened before. I am just so tired of feeling like I am going out of my mind. I actually would love to be depressed right now because it is what I know best. I am not used to feeling like I am really nervous and agitated and anxious all at once.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hypos Return, Again

Hypos return, Again

I thought after last night’s episode with depression, I was DONE with being hypo but as I was talking with my therapist today, it came back. I hadn’t yet taken my morning dose of my mood stabilizer so I took half of it while we were talking. I didn’t want to be sleepy the whole day so I just took half. It worked. I am calmer than I was even though my thoughts are still kind of racy.

I was going to write a paper on no-suicide contracts but while I was reading the paper, I remember writing about it. Sure enough, I did, two years ago. I sent it to my fellow psych people on Twitter and wow did my phone blow up with retweets and replies! Someone (not a psych person) read the paper and thought it was not worth reading. She only read the first paragraph and thought it was like “plaster on an old wound”. She then says how she “wasted her life being depressed”. Issues? I think so. No one chooses to be depressed and if they think this way, someone is telling them this. I have been depressed most of my life (minus these hypomanic episode the past three weeks). I started keeping track of them because I think it’s important as I might not remember I have been “happy” or “content” when I get back to my depressive state. But getting back to this woman, who I did not respond to, I just was taken aback. Did she think that I could just will myself happy? What does that mean and how do you do it? Is it a switch? I don’t think it is. I think she is just fooling herself. I have seen people pretend they are not depressed and it just makes them more miserable when their positivity ends and they are overwhelmed with depressive thoughts. I have a friend that is like that. To me that is just hurting yourself if you are not being true to yourself. I stopped caring what other people think about my depression. Either people are going to be supportive of it or they are not because they are ignorant. In their world, they like to think that depression doesn’t exist because they don’t want to catch it. I have a cousin that is like that. Drives me crazy. I love her to death but when we were talking about my book, it was like she wanted me to pull a switch and not think about suicide.

I asked my therapist if she forgot I code word when she was being frantic when I brought up being suicidal. She did. She is a ditz. So I had to explain to her that it was “baseball on her desk”. I couldn’t just say “baseball” because I talk about baseball for a good six months during the season and off-season. I am a baseball junkie. But there is a baseball on her desk that I think I gave her. I can’t remember how it got there now. I know that she had to get a replacement because the first one the ball melted after a little while. It was sad to see. I thought that would be her centering point. We haven’t tried it out because I haven’t been too suicidal and she has been more aware of her anxiety when I talk about being suicidal.

My pdoc got back to me about taking my PRN trilafon. I prefaced it with I know you don’t want me to be taking it but I need it. She writes back she doesn’t want me to take it every day, only when I need it. UM, isn’t that the whole idea behind PRN (take as needed)?? Or am I missing something? I want to write back to her but given my current agitation levels, I will let it go. Or try to. It really pissed me off.

I got such a headache for some reason. I am not tired, though I should be. I have been on the go, so to speak, since 0800. I am glad that I didn’t have to rewrite that paper. That would have really given me a headache. I took some Tylenol. I can’t take an NSAID because I am on an extended release one. And this one is not one to mess around with because it can cause gastric bleeding. I don’t want gastric bleeding. My mind is going to fast for the keyboard. I have been typing every word twice because of typos or misspellings of words. Ok, that was redundant, LOL. See I am not in my right mind right now. I have stopped listening to “just over” by Luke Bryan. I have been playing it all day because it is a good tune and it’s lyrics are stuck in my head. Another reason I need trilafon. It will break the cycle. I know people get songs stuck in their heads all the time, but with me, right now with this hypo business, it can lead to psychosis very quickly.

“Plaster in the wound”. Seriously, this person wanted to read my paper and then insulted it. I should be offended but I am too goofy to really care. I am just shaking my head because I know I wrote a good paper and if it wasn’t up to tuff with her, then so be it. Sometimes my writings are too powerful for laypeople to read. It can be technical or to emotional, depends on what I write. My blog covers a wide range of writings. It has been the place where I can publish my thoughts about scientific papers using MY experience as a reference sometimes and I know it is different for other people. My experience with something similar might not be the same as the next. I am not writing in a general way because there are no general ways. Everyone is their own expert in their illness and I respect that despite our same diagnoses. I really wish these hypos would go away, and soon. Not that I want to be depressed again, but I don’t want to run the risk of being in the hospital. I might crash tonight, again. There is no way of knowing where this is going or if I am cycling. I am kind of scared. It would be helpful to talk to another bipolar person who has experienced this. I am getting no help from my treaters. They have never seen me this way before for so long. They are worried, too. Though I can’t tell if my pdoc is. It’s hard to discern through an email in my current condition. I am too agitated to read the words, other than this is only for as needed. Like I am an idiot or something. UGH. Shaking my head again.

Posted in depression, suicide, mood disorders, blogging, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No Breeze Stirs this Cauldron

“What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the grey drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”
― William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness

The crash has started. I am once again thinking of quote that I hold dear to me when I am in a despair like state. I just emailed my psychiatrist telling her I am in despair but I am not quite suicidal. I can’t sleep because of pain and the pain meds have not kicked in yet. But the pain I am feeling now, is a different type of pain. It is psychache and there are no pain pills for that ache. My heart feels like it has been broken into a thousand pieces. I feel like I am being suffocated by this weight on my chest. Like Styron says, “there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural the victim begins to think ceaseless of oblivion”. Except, I am not there yet. I am close to thinking of my oblivion but I think if I start thinking about it, I will act.

I started vacuuming my room a little bit at a time. I bought a hand held vacuum. I thought it was cordless but it is corded. No matter, it still does its job. Too bad it hurts me in the process. I can’t stand for too long before my hip goes out. It is this pain that I am feeling that the pain meds aren’t helping at the moment. They will soon, I hope. It is past midnight. I hate staying up this late because it can only lead to Hyde coming out when I am in this despair. I got to find my “Touched With Fire” book. It, I think, has the quote by Hugo Wolf about the heart being broken into a thousand pieces. I thought it was Byron but it’s not. I would like to have this quote on my quote page. I think it will be a nice addition.

I wasn’t expecting to crash this soon. I thought I would have a few days of “normal” before I headed to psychache land. I started writing in my journal. Five pages later, I got an idea for my next blog on “no-suicide” contracts. What got me thinking about this was that if I didn’t find the “Crisis Response Plan” how different my treatment would be with my therapist. No-harm or No suicide contract are stupid and have no validity. They are not even a legal contract in the eyes of the law (to the best of my knowledge) yet are used over and over again. Meds are kicking in so I can’t quite explain more as it is complicated.

I found the quote from Wolf, it is “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. That is how I feel right now. I feel like I am faking being happy yet I so am falling apart and no one can see it. I feel utterly alone.

Earlier tonight, I was feeling fine. I don’t know what caused the downfall to occur. I was just writing in my journal and thought about writing this no contract paper and then I suddenly felt really sad. I got a notepad that has another quote on it, “people do not die by suicide, they die by sadness”. Anonymous

I think that is true. I have real sadness. Dark sadness that won’t leave me. It is like black storm clouds following me. And it came on just with the snap of your fingers. I wish I could snap my fingers again and have them leave. I am hungry. Maybe this sadness is caused by low blood sugar. I only had one thing to eat today, a half of roast beef club sandwich. I couldn’t finish the rest of the sandwich. It was too filling. I should have saved it but it was soggy and I had soggy sandwiches. Now I am hungry and want something to eat. Maybe I will have a pop tart. I don’t know. It’s getting later and later. I really just want to sleep. The hell with eating.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Manager of Time

I had therapy again today. Not unusual as I have it every week. We talked a little bit about the class and my writing. I was hoping to get some insights into things but they never materialized. I sometimes feel like therapy is a waste of my time and that I should decide when to go, rather than have my therapist dictate the sessions. There was nothing in particular I wanted to talk about. We talked about how her phone has been messing up and losing connection. She is so overdue for an upgrade but is so old fashioned she won’t consider the possibility of changing phones. Granted changing phones is a hassle in the beginning but once you get used to it, it becomes second nature. Half way through out session, there was some static on the line. I don’t think it was my end so I didn’t say anything. I knew she would flip out. She is still clueless about my tones. I was sarcastic with her and that set her off. It was funny until I said I was being sarcastic, then she calmed down. I can really push her buttons when I want to. It’s payback for driving me nuts.

I’m listening to 1989 for the millionth and one time. I was going to listen to Luke Bryan’s new album but it is driving me nuts. There are some slow songs and then slower songs then really fast songs. You don’t know what you are going to get when it’s on shuffle. And my shuffle sucks. It could play the last three songs five times before it kicks out of gear to another song. And this is with a new phone. I know it’s the app, but I sort of like it because you can have access to it before the lock screen.

My day has been made when they announced that Hanley Ramirez will no longer be playing left field the rest of the season. He is an AWFUL outfielder. He has cost more runs scored than anyone. I can’t stand him. All the hype and he didn’t live up to it. Actually, no one lived up to the hype this season. That is why we are in last season, again. I think that if John didn’t get cancer, he would be out as manager. They have been playing better but I think they are out of the running for the wild card. The bullpen just can’t hold a candle to the wind when they get called up and the starters, even though they have pitched better, still can’t go more than 7 innings consistently.

I haven’t read “Order of the Phoenix” most of the week. Mostly because I was hypo and too hyper to read. Today I was too sleepy to think about reading. I think I am a little depressed and it’s interfering with my concentration. I was thinking of reading the suicide research articles that I printed out weeks ago, but I feel meh about it. I sort of lost my interest in reading them. I got my new SLTB journal and nothing interested me. There was one article that caught my attention but not enough to sit down and read it. I don’t know why I lost interest in suicide research articles. They are my “thing”. Maybe it is just a low level depression and that is why I can’t read my interests at the moment. I am just coming down from being super “high”. It’s going to be a while before I feel back to my normal, whatever that is.

Last night for the first time in months, I had side effects from my abilify. My arms felt like spaghetti. I couldn’t stand it so went to bed after writing my blog. There was no point trying to stay up any later as I was wicked tired anyways. The pain in my ankle was horrendous and I really didn’t want to fight through it. Not like I slept for a good length of time. I was thinking of waking up around 0800. Instead, I woke up around 0430 to tinkle. I have been going all day for some reason and I haven’t been drinking that much fluid. Weird. I don’t think I drank more than four ounces the whole day. Maybe I should drink some water.

I think my therapist needs to start acting like my therapist than my friend. If she did some psychodymanics more, maybe I wouldn’t be so frustrated sometimes after session. Like session was a waste. I miss the days where I would plan my sessions in what I was going to say and sort of come up with a treatment plan. She would be okay with it. But lately, I am not feeling it. We talk about stuff that isn’t important. Like my friends on Twitter. Sure they are important to me, but I don’t think they are relevant to therapy. Then we have the writing bit. I just have been writing this blog for the past two hours and it still isn’t finished. But that is all I write lately. I haven’t written anything for my book in months. It is so frustrating. I wish she wouldn’t bring it up because I feel so guilty about it. I have a shit load of time on my hands and I don’t use it well. I have never been a good manager of time. And I know that if I even planned a schedule, I wouldn’t stick with it. Today I needed downtime because I didn’t want to overtax my ankle. I was really hurting last night and even though I was feeling okay this morning, I still didn’t want to cause pain. It’s worked because I haven’t taken any pain meds today, least not yet.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Class

Class

Class was a success. I learned a few pointers, but they didn’t really apply to me. I was looking forward to adding to my vocabulary and instead I found that my writing is powerful and that I was brave to read what I did to class. I know there are some minor changes that can be done but the whole piece of the Love/Hate blog was good. I am annoyed with myself. If it is so good, why haven’t the NYT considered what I wrote, unless they are too chicken. That is a possibility I haven’t considered. It might be too powerful.

I had an exhausting day. I saw my pdoc this afternoon and then rode the trains until it was time to get something to eat and leave for the class. My pdoc and I talked about all the events of last week, including the psychotic symptoms of my reading experiences. I was afraid to tell her that in an email for fear of her telling me to go to the ER. I finally got a handle on the mania and she was glad that I did. And I still have a positive bank account so I am very happy about that as it could easily be in the negative. On the way back to the station, my legs gave way. I had woken up with my left knee hurting and sitting straight for three hours didn’t help it. Also the tops of my feet were on fire. I was dying by the time I reached the T. I could barely walk when the train came. I am going to be hurting tomorrow but I don’t have to do anything. It will be a rest day.

The person that does the editing is an editor. I am hoping I can hire her for my second book, or she can recommend someone that doesn’t cost a fortune. I also met someone in class that lives in my area. I wanted to give him my number but I didn’t. I should have kept a business card in my pocket. I think his name is John. I know the vicinity where he lives so he shouldn’t be too hard to find and we take the same bus route. I hope to bump into him again. He seems really cool.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Coffee Worked!

Coffee worked!

I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.

I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.

I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.

I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

tired and drowsy

I took my mood stabilizer again early in the morning when I woke up and fell asleep. I feel so groggy. I haven’t made coffee yet and will soon. This is terrible. How am I going to function during the day if I just want to sleep? I won’t be taking it tomorrow morning because I have an appointment with my pdoc in the afternoon and I don’t want to be drowsy. I know the risk is becoming hypomanic but I will risk it. I got to go to Walgreens today. I need some more dark chocolate and to pick up the rest of my prescriptions. The app that I have kept on giving me reminders so I just said the hell with it and ordered it. I will go after I have my coffee.

I am feeling kind of depressed. I found out today my niece went back to her college dorm. She didn’t even say goodbye to me. She took my mother’s toaster oven and left. I won’t see her probably until Thanksgiving. I really am going to miss her, course I didn’t really see her most of the summer because she was working and taking a couple of classes. But she did make some awesome brownies when we were together. Why do kids have to grow up?

I really don’t want to do anything today. Going to Walgreens is going to be a hurdle. I also need to take a shower sometime today. Maybe that will wake me up, but giving my track records with showers, I doubt it. I really just want to go back to sleep. The weird thing is, I take the same dose at night and it doesn’t make me sleepy. I don’t understand it. Maybe I should take it by itself and see if it does make me crash. I think my sleep will be better. I thought the tiredness would wear off after a few days but it doesn’t seem to be that way. I don’t know what to do. I need this med to control the hypos but I don’t want to be sleeping all day. Unless the crash is starting and the depression is masking the effects of the drug. That is possible. We’ll know tomorrow when I don’t take it.

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamt I was working at my old retail place and it was very busy. I was working the register and returns when this lady came in with Christmas decorations wanting to return them. You could tell they were at least a few years old and it was summer so she didn’t just buy them. I had to go to the bathroom in the dream and then I woke up. The weird part was that we were working out of someone’s house rather than the store. Weird.

The stuff that I bought from Amazon came today. I got my dirt devil vacuum. It’s staying in the box until I have energy to use it. I don’t have any energy right now to play with it. I am so fricken tired. I just had lunch so I shouldn’t be tired. Game is on so I am going to watch it and make some coffee.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Nerves

Nerves

I sent a copy of my blog to a friend of mine for her input. She said that it was good, though she didn’t know what else to say about it. That made me feel a little bit better about using this as a template for editing, though I don’t know how much editing I am really going to be doing. I am really nervous about this class. I wish I knew something more about the class as the email the teacher sent us was not entirely straightforward. I know my perfectionism is getting the better of me and that is what is driving up the anxiety.

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. They finally filled it and I am grateful I didn’t have to file a complaint. I was going to get a haircut and go to the post office but I woke up really tired. I just had some coffee to try and wake up. I hope this side effect of the medication wears off soon. I can’t stand being like this, where all I want to do is sleep. In addition to getting my prescription, I got some chocolate because I haven’t had any in a long time. I got Hershey’s Special Dark and Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I love dark chocolate, but not too dark. I stop at 68%. Any more than that and it’s too bitter.

My mother made bacon so I made eggs and put it all in a burrito for breakfast. Now I am full after I had my coffee. I don’t know when I will have lunch. I think I will make steak for supper. I have to make it before it goes bad. I am hoping the coffee doesn’t cause me to go hyper. Course, right now, I feel like I could nod off and sleep for a couple of hours. Game is on at 1600 today. I am getting a little depressed as there is only four weeks left of baseball, well of Red Sox baseball anyways. It’s going to be sad because one of the announcers on NESN has been fired. He was one of my favorites. Now they will be having another guy doing the 2016 games. My other favorite guy, Remy, will only be doing 40 home games. It is going to suck big time. I have no idea who is going to do the radio show with Joe Castiglione. His partner Dave is going to NESN. I hope it’s not going to be Merloni. I can’t stand him. He makes a boring analysis of baseball. And his voice is kind of like a rude know it all. I am just very sad that things are changing. I knew there would be changes to the Sox as they have a new CEO, but I wasn’t expecting changes in the broadcasting booths.

Last night I was going through some blogs looking for some that had a story of a good depressing tale. I found one but it was short, less than 500 words. I apparently wrote it while I was dissociating. It was a good piece of writing and I hope I can stretch it out. I really need to start working on my book because 2016 is going to be here before I know it and I would like to publish this book sometime during that year. But I haven’t been in a depressed writing mood since the hypos have taken over. I have felt “well”, which is not something that I feel often. In fact, I hardly feel that way ever, which is why I am so scared when I crash. I am so afraid of falling deep in the abyss and never coming out. But the longer I don’t feel a crash, the more I am nervous. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you have no idea when it is going to happen. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later, just so I am prepared. Both of my treatment team knows I have been hypo for quite a long period of time. I think they both are waiting as well for me to crash. It would be nice to think that adding the mood stabilizer in the morning will prevent it but I doubt it. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year taking it twice a day and I still crashed by mid-September. It lasted for a long while, until Feb when I was hypo again for a few days. I wonder if you can feel really exhausted being hypo because right now I am looking at my pillow and it is calling my name. I really want to take another nap so bad. But I am afraid that if I do, I won’t sleep tonight or I will be up really late like I was last night. I also got the late night hungry horrors, where I was wicked hungry. It was like I didn’t eat anything at all, all day. I wish I bought rice so I could have had it with my steak. I was really craving carbs so I had a tortilla wrap and a nutri grain bar at like 0100.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Migraine City

Migraine City

I woke up early this morning around 0600. I had breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later with a headache. I didn’t think nothing of it so went about my business. I took a shower and surprisingly, it didn’t exhaust me. I got a text saying the bus route that I take to the square was really late. Great. So I finished getting dressed, got my headphones and went to the bus stop. I didn’t know how late the bus was and I didn’t want to miss it if it was close to being on time. I guess it was really late because I caught the other route that was going down Broadway. I figured I take that bus to get to the Square. By the time I got to Starbucks, my eye hurt really bad and the headache was worse. Hello migraine. There was nothing I could take for it as I didn’t have any pills on me. I didn’t have so much as an Advil. I just drank my coffee, hoping the caffeine would make the pain subside. By the time I was half way done with my coffee, the pain did subside. It was a minor ache but I still didn’t feel well. The pain travelled to the side of my neck. It wasn’t fun. I had an errand to do for my mother before catching the bus home. I ran it and then waited for the bus. As the bus got there, I got another text that the bus was running behind. It was five minutes late. Sucked but at least I wasn’t stranded at the station. My ankle was really hurting so there was no way for me to walk to Broadway to catch the other bus. I would have to wait for another bus route that went down the street to catch it.

After I got off the bus, I decided to go to Walgreens and get my pain medications filled. Damn pharmacist had a problem filling them because both were short acting pain meds. Fucking A. She had to call the office to verify what my doctor wrote. Now I have to wait another day to get my meds. My ankle is not happy as I was waiting. Once they told me it was going to be an hour I said I would pick it up tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be in the store an hour while my ankle was in the mist of a flare up. I got some migraine pills that were over the counter and turkey bacon as I had a coupon for it. I haven’t had turkey bacon in a long time. They also had my favorite flavor of Gatorade so I bought that, too. I figure it would help my migraine as they always say drink Gatorade for a migraine/headache.

I came home and got the mail. Now I am just going to relax with the AC on. If I get a message saying my prescription is ready, I will just pick it up tomorrow. I thought about picking it up later but my ankle is really hurting. I don’t know what I did but when I kicked off my sneakers, it really yelled at me. I took my migraine pill so I should get rid of this damn thing in a half hour. I hope by then my appetite comes back because I didn’t have lunch and it’s close to dinner time. While I was running the errand for my mother, I thought about getting her cod fillets. She usually eats fish on Fridays but they were expensive. For a tiny piece of fish it was close to eight bucks. My mother would kill me for spending that much money on it. If my headache is gone and I feel like eating, I plan on making my steak. That is all I want. I had Manwich last night. It was very good. I still have about three sandwiches left. That will be lunch tomorrow.

I emailed my pdoc giving her an update on my mood. I texted my therapist with the same info. Taking my morning mood stabilizer pill has helped with the hypos considerably, though I feel really numb and groggy. I took the pill early this morning after I had breakfast and it really knocked me out. That is why I didn’t think nothing of the headache when I woke up because I just thought it was a hangover. I am glad the hypos are being controlled but feeling nothing is worse. I don’t feel happy nor sad or content or depressed. I just feel absolutely nothing. I do feel somewhat weepy at times though. I don’t know what that is about.

I got an email for the class I registered for Monday night. Now I am getting really nervous about it. Shit just got real. The email said to bring an essay that was between 750-1500 words. I got that checked. It’s my Love/hate blog that I have been sending to the NY Times. I would really love to get this published there. I keep sending it a couple times a week. I think I got to change the message though. Maybe if I add that it’s a piece on suicide transference they might take it. I have been sending them the same message over and over again. Maybe if I spice it up with suicide talk it might be considered.

I am kind of nervous about the piece with a group of strangers. What if they don’t like my style of writing or think the piece is too morose? My pdoc liked the piece very much that she asked me what was I going to do with it so it can’t be that bad. It’s just that these people are real writers and I just don’t know how critical they are going to be. The class is on editing and making it more dynamic writing. I just hope my mood state doesn’t become irritable or too paranoid. I am really nervous because I have never met other writers before. I even bought business cards so I can share my info with other people when I go there. I think it would be nice to next work but the cards won’t come until next week, after the class. I could have paid extra shipping but it was more than twenty bucks. I don’t need them that bad! I do have some business cards but it has my old work information on it. I’d have to cross out everything for it to be current. It sucks that I have these cards and I can’t use them. Waste of money and paper. I only purchased them because we were doing a lot of studies and thought it was a good idea in case they wanted to get in touch with me. I don’t think I hand out one card. Course, now that I think about it, I could have sent it with the blood tubes instead of stickers. Always think of things in hindsight.

I hope my ankle pain subsides. I have enough pain meds to make it to Monday, in case my doc doesn’t get back to the pharmacy this weekend. Just sucks that I have to wait because of their concern. It’s signed by my doctor and he obviously knows what he is doing otherwise I doubt he would have written the prescription. Also, they could have just asked me why the prescription was written and I could tell them why. One of the pain meds I take for breakthrough pain, or when the pain is really severe (which is also indicated on the damn prescription). It’s not helping my headache worrying about it. I just hope it’s all cleared up by Monday or some people at corporate is going to hear my vexation!

Oh, and just to let you know, the word awesomesauce made it to the dictionary today but suicidality still isn’t in there. Go figure that one out.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Think the Hypos are Gone

Think the Hypos are gone

I think I am finally winding down since taking my mood stabilizer in the morning and evening, though I did feel a rush while going to my father’s apartment. It was brief and didn’t last long. I just felt the bus was moving slow. I usually take the bus to the station and then get off there but today I decided to take a bus to his house. It takes about the same about of time. I wanted to get a haircut today but didn’t. My feet were hurting me by the time all was said and done.

I was starving by the time I came home so made myself an egg and cheese burrito. It was good, though kind of bland. I didn’t use any seasoning for the eggs. I usually just put pepper but didn’t today. I scoffed it down and then had my blueberry pie. And then I got hungry again. I haven’t eaten anything since but I will in a couple of hours. I plan on making manwich tonight. Maybe steak tomorrow.

I had therapy today. Something is wrong with my therapist’s phone. I think she is going to have to upgrade even though she doesn’t want to. She kept going silent while we were talking, like the mute button was pressed or something. We talked about my current mood and how yesterday went. I mostly slept, which was unusual. I snoozed for a little bit and my niece napped. It was a nice trade off. I then fell asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up until 2300 or so. I stayed up to catch the score of the ball game and was shocked we kept a shutout going. We won and Taz got a save. I should sleep through a game more often! I took my meds and then went back to sleep. I slept a good seven hours straight. My therapist said that being hyper is exhausting. I guess it is. I just know that I am really tired instead of being hyper. I could go to sleep right now if I wanted to but I need to write this blog.

My checking account is still in the positive so I haven’t gone on any binges while manic. I am happy about that. I need to email my pdoc to update her on how I am doing. I didn’t email her yesterday because I got caught up with my babysitting duties and then taking a nap. I feel pretty numb. I don’t know if that is a precursor to crashing. I just know it is better than feeling “high” and racy. My thoughts are kind of slower than they have been. I finally was able to sit and read for a little bit this morning so I think I am headed in the right direction.

My therapist was curious about the class I will be taking Monday night. I told her it was an editing class and I hope I benefit from it. Otherwise, the money I spent would be wasted. I think she is most interested in this class than I am. I am just a bundle of nerves. It’s a three hour class. Should be fun. I am really looking forward to it but just nervous about it.

I was Facebooking and “Bones” has a new squintern. BETTY WHITE! No joke!! The show is going to be hilarious! I am wicked excited about this. Course I wonder who is leaving. Probably Daisy as she just had a baby.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment