I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.
I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.
I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.
When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.