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Posted in suicide attempt

hyped up and hypo again

Hyped up and hypo again

So the past week I have been in a hopeless, depressed mood. Now today, I had my coffee, nothing different, and I am feeling hypomanic. I am so hyped up and I don’t know why. I got done all the errands I needed to do. My foot is thanking me kindly because it didn’t like the extra trip I made to get a few legal pads so I can write. I am running low on my paper. I didn’t get that much sleep last night. I slept maybe 5 hours, if that. I had to get up early for my eye appointment. It went well and as I suspected, my vision has changed and I need new glasses. I got two prescriptions, one for reading and one for bifocals. Don’t know where I am going to get the money for both these glasses. I might not be able to get my sunglasses like I want to. But we’ll see next month how much everything will cost. I will shop around for the cheapest price. I have no choice.

I started a letter to my therapist last night. I really don’t want to read it. I know it started off with the usual pleasantries and then went off the deep end. I was in a real mood last night, which is why I can’t explain why I am in a good mood today. But I will take it. I also wrote about stopping my meds. Whenever I get really hopeless, I think the meds are useless and why bother taking them. I won’t stop the abilify because I can’t afford to become psychotic again. I will need to go in the hospital. Hell, the way things are going, I might be headed there again.

I am not doing anything else today except picking up my prescription later today. And I might get a bag of potato chips. Been craving them but thing is, I will eat the whole bag. I will get a small bag if they have the kind I am wanting. I went to the stationary store today to get a few legal pads. And because I am a pen freak, got two pens. I wasn’t planning on it. I really wanted the Zebra 301 in blue but all they had was black so instead I got the V-Ball black and blue. I am very particular about my pens. I usually just write in black ink exclusively. But lately, I have been wanting to write in different colored inks. I got my JetStream in different colors but will only write when it’s not in my journal, though I have written at least one entry in turquoise. I have a lavender colored pen that I have been wanting to use. Maybe I will write my therapist with that pen.

I really need to rest my ankle/foot. It will flare up on me and if I don’t stay on top of the pain, I am fucked. I can’t wait for my new sneakers to come because the ones that I have feel too small, even though they are my size. It’s probably because my foot swells and then becomes uncomfortable by the end of the day. Hence why I need new sneakers. According to their delivery schedule, they should arrive tomorrow with the mail. I don’t think I will be going out tomorrow, but that could change. I really need a day to chill as I have been going out most of this week. It hasn’t been long hours, but baking those cookies really took a lot out of me and now I am paying the price. I should be ok with my meds and rest, but with me feeling so hyped up, it’s hard to stay still. I want to do things. I want to go out, but I really need to listen to my foot and it is saying stay put or you will die. UGH, I hate feeling this way. Hopefully, my pain meds will mellow me out some.

I wrote a draft to my psychiatrist saying I got the brilliant idea of stopping my meds and gave the reasons for it. Now I don’t feel that way so I am glad I didn’t send it. I don’t feel like that now. I feel too good, a little too, too good. I might take an extra oxcarb tonight to see if that helps settle these mood swings. One thing about bipolar is having to deal with the extremes. It drives me crazy to be at the bottom of an abyss one day (like last night) and then feel on top of the world the next day. I feel like I can do anything, well, except fly. I feel like writing my psychiatrist and telling her I am back up again. I bet she is going to think what the hell is going on, just like I am wondering. But it’s been more than ten years since I have had these mood swings. I have been on the same mood stabilizer for years and sometimes it needs tweaking. I still am like WTF is happening to me. Only because when I crash, I crash hard and become immensely suicidal. Right now suicide is farthest from my mind, but it could come back in the next few days. I don’t think I am cycling, another part of this lovely disorder. The hypo and depression are too far apart. But I have gone through this before where I am hypo, psychotic, depressed, and then the pattern repeats. It has been years since this last happened and I ended up in the hospital because each crash was more serious than the previous one. I think that was when I ended up in the detox unit of a psych ward because there were no other beds available. God that hospitalization was awful. I hated the psychiatrist and boy was she dumb. She thought one of the antidepressants that I was on was an antibiotic. And she thought that Vioxx wasn’t a COX2 inhibitor. I knew more about the meds she was prescribing than she did. And she resented me for it. I should have filed a complaint with the medical board for her treatment of me but I never did. I will NEVER go back to that ward, even it was the last bed on the planet.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Baking and upsetting things

I have had a painful day. I saw my father after picking up his dry cleaning. My ankle is killing me because I then baked cookies and then cleaned up the mess, washing dishes/pans. I thought I would bake two batches, but it was a pain taking them off the pan after they cooled that I don’t think I will be making cookies again for a long time. I still haven’t had dinner yet. I am too full on cookies and cookie dough. It’s hard not eating the dough while making cookies. If someone can not do this, I give them credit. I didn’t substitute the oatmeal like I wanted to because you had to sift the flour. They came out very good, even though it was a pain taking them off the pan. Oh, and I used Giardelli chocolate chips, which made them really chocolaty.

Doesn’t look like I will be having a therapy session today. I am still hurting, psyche wise. I feel bad for the people of the German plane that went down. And am very sad that a suicidal person took the lives of 149 people to do his deed. I just never understand it. Then I read today that a 13 year old shot his 6 year old brother to death, injured his other brother, then killed himself. How does a 13 year old get a gun?? Why wasn’t it locked up and out of the reach of their kids? Just kills me. But I still believe the more they show things like this in the news, the more it will happen. And it has. There are more and more stories of murder/suicide today than there were a few years ago. Ever since Columbine, you are hearing more stories like this.

Ankle is absolutely furious with me right now. I don’t think I am going to make dinner. Last night, I ordered pizza, late. I will have that if I can make the stairs to the kitchen. I don’t feel like making a hamburger and then cleaning up again. My ankle hurts too much.

I got a message from one of my friends saying she read something and is concerned about me. Then I haven’t heard back when I responded. I had no clue what she was talking about. I posted lyrics and ordering pizza last night so not sure what is to be “concerned” about.

Well, I just fucked up my checking account. After everything clears, I will probably be in the negative because I paid my cell phone bill, TWICE. I paid online through their website AND through bill pay with my checking account. I totally forgot I did that because my memory is not that great anymore. FUCK. I am glad I checked my account before I made any purchases. Oh this blows. I really thought I would have money to give my brother in law for his birthday this year but it doesn’t look like I will even afford a fucking card. I swear I need a CPA or someone to manage my finances because I fucking suck at it. Just when I thought I was on top of things. Least I don’t have to worry about a cell bill next month. That is an extra $90 in my pocket. Now I wish I didn’t purchase my sneakers.

I got my eye appointment tomorrow. I hope the copay isn’t $40. I will be screwed, but I got to get my eyes checked. I have already made an appointment and canceled three times. I can’t do it again. I know I will need new glasses. That’s an expense for next month. I really want to get glasses with either polarized lenses or just get glasses and a pair of sunglasses. I don’t want to get transition lenses again, even though I really like them. I just can’t afford them this time around. Last time I got glasses it cost me $600. I am hoping it costs half that this time.

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Still in a bad mood. Don’t feel like talking much to anyone. Even my therapist got my growls today. I feel hungover but I haven’t had alcohol. I was hoping coffee would wake me up but it didn’t, least not yet. I bought my new coffee, which I hope to have tomorrow morning. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my hair cut again or not. I have to do an errand for my father tomorrow before I go to his house and will be walking right by the barber’s shop. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I made an appointment for my eyes for Friday morning. I will then pick up my prescription for my pain meds. I haven’t decided when to make my cookies. I got all the stuff I needed yesterday after my therapy appointment. I even got bacon just because it was there.

I told my therapist I need to get a new pair of sneakers. But they are freaking expensive. I haven’t had the luxury of buying sneakers in three years. And now that I don’t need to wear the AFO, I can get regular sneaks. I used to have to buy one size bigger than the other so the AFO can fit, which meant buying two pairs. It sucked because I had an unmatched pair.

Foot and leg are hurting today. I might end up taking some pain meds and call it a day. I thought I would have energy after my coffee to make cookies but I don’t. My mother will be making dinner soon so I really can’t be messing up the kitchen now. Maybe later tonight. I am still waiting for the butter to get soft. I forgot to take it out last night. I bought both the Giardelli and Hershey’s chocolate chips as I just couldn’t decide which one to get. I plan on making two batches of cookies. Whether that will be one tonight and one tomorrow, or both tomorrow, remains to be seen. I really don’t have the energy to do much of anything. Just going out today for lunch and a coffee was difficult. I didn’t even write in my journal like I usually do.

I think my therapist wants more letters as she wants me to write about my broken heart. No one caused it, least not that I know of. I just know my heart feels like it has been broken in two and I don’t know why I feel this way. Just one day a few weeks ago, I was in immense pain and I have been like that ever since. My psychiatrist is back in business so I don’t have to worry whether I am going to see her ever again. I am sure I can call her and make an appointment sooner than two weeks if I need to. But I don’t want to be seen. How can you describe your heart being broken into millions of pieces when there is no cause? I haven’t suffered a loss. Sure, my game is ended but my heart broke before I found out. I just am so incredibly sad. Baseball season is going to start next week so I should be in better spirits. But as I recall last year, I was feeling the same as I am feeling today. I have no interest in baseball right now, and anyone that knows me, knows that is not a good thing. But I also have no interest in writing about it. I might write her a letter tonight and then post it as a blog password protected. This just saves me from using a stamp in mailing her a letter.

Posted in chronic physical pain, Bipolar Disorder | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Long Ass day

I woke up at fricken 0630 this morning in pain. I didn’t take a full dose of my pain meds because I had to be up in a couple of hours to start my day. I saw my therapist and I told her how depressed I have been feeling. I also gave her a packet of stuff to read, including a letter. We discussed the letter in detail, though not specifically. I think Hyde is trying to come out as I want to write goodbye letters and notes. It’s becoming more of an itch lately. Just in case something were to happen to me, at least there will be documents left behind. You never know when your time is going to run out. I told her I plan on writing my psychiatrist a goodbye letter. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to write because I have known her for so long. Twenty years is a long time to know someone.

We also talked about how similar my writing and Dostoevsky’s are. I sent her a text message last night and she wasn’t sure it was me or Fyodor. I basically told her I was surrounded by death yet none of it is keeping me here, or something to that effect. I have been in one of my severe depressive moods the past 24 hours, even despite being on an antidepressant. And it is true what I wrote. I am surrounded by suicide manuals and textbooks and other types of books yet none of them eases my pain or decreases my suicidality. I feel hopeless that this will change. It’s like I have been searching through these books hoping to fix myself and I just haven’t found the right piece of the puzzle. I thought I had found the answer with CAMS but it doesn’t sustain me. I still retreat into suicidality. and then I think what good am I? How am I supposed to help someone when I can’t even fix myself?

Today is my father’s birthday. I wish we had celebrated at home. My nephew, and I do love him dearly, talked non-stop the entire time. At one point, I told him to breathe and to think for a bit. When that didn’t work, I plainly told him to shut up. He was coming up with the weirdest ideas, thinking he was funny. But in reality, he was just annoying. I never knew him to be this way before. Then he told me my mood was setting him off. I asked what mood that was. He said the mood of not wanting to be here, to be somewhere else. He was right about that. I was bored, tired, and I just wanted my pillow.

My father was annoying as usual. I am glad I sat at the end of the table away from him. He was proud of himself because he finished his meal. How satisfying that he ate a meal and drank a few glasses of wine. Congrats, daddio. Big fucking deal. I am in a mood, a rotten one.

I have therapy with my therapist tomorrow and I don’t want to. I am just sick of talking. I just want to be left alone, with my aloneness, as Lincoln would say. But she won’t have it, the bitch. Anyways, it’s too late to cancel anyway, not like she would. I really should just go to bed before Hyde comes out. I know he is itching to write but I can’t let him. I will let him write in my journal where it is more private.

I witnessed a terrible accident while driving home from my therapist’s office. I don’t think I am going to take the highway home anymore. I am being too traumatized by it. This car had rolled over and most of the contents of the vehicle were spread out on the highway. It was so sad but cars were crawling to look and I just wanted to get the hell home without hitting anybody in the process. I can still see the car’s underside as it was flipped on its side. So damn scary. I don’t know how cars can rollover like that, especially in a tunnel. I am just grateful the car didn’t spark a fire, despite the dust cloud it created. That was more scary than the car turned on its side! From now on, I will just take the back roads home. It takes longer but at least it’s safer.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

two cups of coffee kind of day

I am babysitting my niece because she is sick. I told her I am planning on making malted chocolate chip cookies and she looked at me funny. She never has seen me bake before. I still am undecided as to which kind of chocolate chips to use for baking these cookies. I might make two batches. One batch, I plan on substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. I think it will come out good, least I am hoping it will. I have been watching my niece since early this morning and just had my second cup of coffee. I can’t be sleeping on the job. She is 9 and can do her own thing, but I still need to keep an eye and ear out for her.

Soon as her mother comes home, I am taking a long, hot shower. I am cold and stinky as I didn’t take one yesterday like I wanted to. I fell asleep soon after I published my blog and didn’t wake up till around midnight. I stayed up for a few hours until my meds knocked me out again. I didn’t mean to sleep so soundly but it just happened. I think if I had taken the alarm off for my meds I probably would have skipped my meds and slept through the night, possibly.

I emailed my psychiatrist this morning to tell her I am feeling less paranoid than I was last week and that I am feeling a little bit better. She wants me to keep her informed, so hence the email. I think the increase in the trilafon has helped me. I no longer feel like people are watching me all the time. And my stress levels have been down, though they will be up again tomorrow when I see my father. He better be satisfied with what I give him and not complain like he did last year. Otherwise, it will be the last birthday gift he ever gets from me.

I was talking with a friend today. His birthday was yesterday. I totally forgot to call him so I am glad he called me today. He wants to have a get together with my friends that are south of Boston. The plan is to meet up on the 8th of April. I just hope that my leg pain is still nil and that I can walk without pain. He also wants to go to the Museum of Science because they have a Maya exhibit. I am a Maya freak. I have studied them while I was in college and find them fascinating. It will be interesting to see this exhibit. I have to find out if my sister is still a member of the museum so I can get in for free.

I have been reading more of the “Idiot” while I have been babysitting. I find the story interesting and I am wondering if I can write like Fyodor. I am totally in love with his style of writing. I just don’t think I can write fiction like he can. I am still thinking of writing up my story of the delusions but changing the names of the Goa’uld to something else so I don’t get in trouble for copyright issues. I think it will make a good short story. I will also have to change ISIS to something else. I am sure my brain can come up with something.

My sister went to the funeral today. It was sad and a lot of people went. I am not surprised. I have seen young peoples wakes and funerals be very long as they know a lot of people. My friend Danielle’s wake was like that. I must have been in line for at least a half hour before I even entered the room she was in. I was thankful the casket was closed because I would have lost it. I still feel the pain of her loss. We weren’t close as we lost touch over the years but we were good friends in high school. She died last year at the age of 37 from complications due to diabetes. Our whole class was heartbroken.

I think later today I am going to work on my psychosis story now that I have the brain power to do so. I just have to input the corrections I made while editing the story. It is cold out today so I don’t think I will be going out, especially after I had two cups of coffee at home. I am going to be wired for the day so need to focus my energy on something productive, like my writing. Maybe I can add the delusional thinking to the psychosis story and I don’t have to create a new document. There is an idea!! And with me adding to the story, it will be longer than three pages! Sweet.

One of my blogger friends posted a “get to know me” blog but it had over 100 questions. I don’t have the patience to answer over 100 questions. The last “get to know me” blog, I wanted it to be over after the 10th question. I might do it though, but now right now. I am still too paranoid to be putting myself out there.

I am still sad that my game is coming to an end. I have lost the will power to play but continue to play for those players that, like me, will be playing till the end. I have over 900 friends on FB, most of those are my gaming friends. Eventually I will weed them out. I already have deleted some that are annoying and are blaming Zynga for stupid shit. I understand they are upset but why attack someone that is not going to be paying attention to what you are fucking writing! Makes no sense.

I have started a new food shopping list on my phone so I remember what I have to buy for my cookies and for the month. Tomorrow I will have my sister’s car and I hope my LTD payment comes in so I can do the shopping. Otherwise, I am going to have to wait until possibly Thursday. I was thinking about getting the Galaxy S5 with this payment but I might wait until the S6 comes out. I will know then that the price of the S5 will go down. Only trouble is, they are being cryptic with the release date! Pisses me off when they just send you an email saying be on the look out and not give you a time frame for something. For all I know, it could be three months from now before the phone becomes available. I won’t be getting it, just want to know when the price will drop for the lower model. I am going to assume that the S4 will become free and the S5 will be $99. Least I am hoping this because right now it’s $200, even with my upgrade discount. And the only reason I am considering getting a new phone is because my phone keeps crashing apps, even if they are not in use! For example, my Walgreens app was crashing and I hadn’t used it in a few weeks. And now my contracts crashes after I look up a contact. It’s bad because sometimes I cannot close the crash report window in order to end a call. Just fucking stupid. But then I have had the same phone for almost three years. There is a new Nexus available but it’s like a tablet. I can’t imagine talking on the phone with something that big, not unless I was using a headset. The price for that phone is the same as the S5 so there is that. I just want to see it and play with it first to see if I like it. Unfortunately, when I was at the Sprint store, the model was “dead”, meaning it was a display model and not a “live” model like some of the other stores have. I actually prefer to go to the store in Brookline as I like their customer service better. I have always gone there with my phone issues and upgrades. But, we’ll see. I will wait for the S6 to come out before getting the S5. I just hope my current phone can endure the wait.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Paranoia, psychosis | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

feeling better today

Feeling better today

I woke up early this morning (before 7), made breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I should have made coffee but I didn’t feel like it. I need to start using my half and half before it gets bad. I know one of them is expiring soon. I will make coffee tomorrow as I am not planning on going out. My last two orders of Brazil coffee has not been satisfactory. And besides, I am running low on my Starbucks funds until Wed when I get paid next. I have a little grocery shopping to do. I just hope that I can make the cookies I want to make. Sometimes the depression gets the better of me and I end up doing nothing. My thoughts are a little bit more coherent though I still believe aliens have invaded the militant group.

I think the trilafon at night has been helping me stabilize during the day. I was talking to a good friend today and I told her my thoughts about the militant group, including the alien part. She just “okayed” it and that was the end of the conversation. Just as well. I really didn’t want to ramp up my feelings on the matter.

I think I need to take a shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep. I hate when I wake up early and then go back to sleep. It wrecks the day and sucks whatever energy I had into an abyss. It really sucks because I got nothing done today. I really would like to change the sheets on my bed but it is always a hassle because I have to get the stuff off my bed. Last time it took me close to a week to change the sheets. I kept on getting one or two items off the bed until it was a manageable pile. Then I had to psych up some energy to actually get the sheets off the bed. It never was this difficult when I had a twin size bed. But then, there would be no room to put my stuff on my bed! I don’t even sleep in the middle, I sleep on the left side of the bed and I stay there. But that is the struggle I face. Wrestling with bedding and my “office”.

In a few weeks, I should know if I won the writing contest I entered at the end of last month. I am anxious to know if I won or not. After the winner is announced, I plan on posting it on my blog. It’s a piece about being transgender.

I didn’t go to the wake today. I kept on reading what my cousins were posting on FB and I just started bawling. There would be no way for me to keep my composure knowing my cousin was hurting so much.

Have I mentioned how tired I am? Think it is going to be an early night for me. I really can’t stay awake and it’s only around 1830. Maybe I will have a shower and it will wake me up. But like the bedding, I really don’t feel like showering. I really just want to read “The Idiot” until I pass out. I love Dostoevsky’s writing. It is so similar to my own. Back is aching so I should be lying down soon. I can do that while reading. Myshkin is a wonderful character in the book. I believe it is really the author who is writing his experiences. And I have a similar disposition like the author. He wrote the book while he was in a depression and I am reading it while in a depressive state. And he loves run on sentences. I think that is why his books are so thick. He just kept writing and writing until all the words ran dry.

I don’t have therapy tomorrow. But I am planning on seeing my therapist on Tuesday if I can get my ass up by 0900. I have to take a bus to my sister’s work to borrow her car. I figure I can get a coffee and then make the trip in no time. But it all depends on my energy levels and such. And if I have pain the night before or not. Lately, my pain has been minimal, aside from my back pain. My ankle/foot has been behaving the last few days. Which is curious because I have been more active the last few days and usually when I am active, I am in more pain. I haven’t done more walking than I usually do, just been going out more than I have since the weather has been nicer. Maybe the AFO was causing me more harm than it should have. I haven’t used it since October when I had PT in the next town over. The PT guy said I didn’t need it anymore so I stopped using it. It is curious that the rest has helped heal me. I am not saying I am cured but I have been in less pain since I have stopped working. But, here is the rub: if I don’t pay attention to what I am doing, I will have a flare up. I know my walking distance is 0.4 miles. If I exceed that, I am hurting. Luckily, my sister’s place is around 0.4 miles so I am saved, as long as I don’t walk back to the train station. Then, it is 0.8 miles and I am going to hurt. Once the weather is a bit warmer, I plan on trying to work on an exercise program to increase my walking distance. I will start with walking to the grocery store, which is 0.6 miles twice a week and then slowly increase it. I will just take the bus home so I am not doing 1.2 miles. That will come when I am ready. This is the plan I have in my head and now on my blog. Whether it will come to fruition, only time will tell.

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Don’t know how I feel

Don’t know how I feel

I don’t know how I feel. I just woke up two hours ago. I just couldn’t wake up. I kept on having strange dreams. Nothing scary, just weird. I wish I could remember them but they have escape my mind. I am still feeling pretty tired and want to order pizza for dinner. But I just had lunch and right now I just want to eat ice cream. I hate when I sleep so late in the day. I guess I needed the sleep as this week has been awful but still. It sucks.

I just took the daily mood questionnaire thing that I am participating in. I guess walking from my room to the kitchen and back equals 1 minute of walking time. I don’t know why I bother with this. It’s not like my answers change daily. They mostly stay the same, unless I am having a bad day. I really don’t care anymore about my the damn data points. I should uninstall the app but I will give it a little more time. I forget which Twitter buddy sent me the link. If I find it, I will share it here in case you are interested in participating.

I have been playing my game, though I don’t know what is the point. The game shuts down in a month. I guess just to finish up what I am doing as much as possible. The crops that used to be for horseshoes are now for coins, so that helps. I hope I can get a few missions completed in a month.

I still feel like maybe I should be in the hospital. It’s not that I feel like harming myself, I just don’t feel safe. I still feel pretty paranoid, like I am always being watched and I can’t shake it. My psychiatrist has given the ok to take the trilafon as needed, but she prefers that I don’t use it. But I sort of need a PRN to help with this stuff even though it causes me to feel nothing. I kind of feel like I am a piece of stone while taking it. My thoughts are a little bit more clearer when I take it though right now, everything seems fuzzy. I still think that if I wear my headphones, thoughts will get implanted in my head. So I haven’t been wearing them. As long as my phone plays the music through its speaker, I will be ok, I think.

I read more about my cousin’s boyfriend, or should I say, fiancé. He was a really good kid, though I am not surprised. It’s always the good ones that get taken early. He apparently fell 60 feet while snowboarding. He succumbed to his injuries five days after the fall. He was 23 not 24. I feel so bad. Wake is tomorrow and I have decided I am not going to go. I feel bad and everything but I really can’t handle grief right now. Call me selfish, but I need to think of my own suffering right now. Besides, being in a room full of grieving people might set off my already increasing paranoia. I have always been sensitive to others but their grief might set me off the edge.

I feel depressed but I don’t know why. It could be because of the sadness I feel for my cousin. I don’t know her very well. She is my Uncle’s daughter. I probably would have known her better if they didn’t move to another state close by. I really love my uncle. He is the one that is not really a jerk or an asshole. He is a very good guy and a hard worker that always is there when you need him. Unlike my mother’s other brothers. I know this will pass but it just sucks right now. My sister feels so bad that she keeps thinking about it. It really is a just a tragic thing to go through.

I often why I am fixated on Allah. He isn’t really my “god”, though if all gods are the same, then I guess he could be my god. I don’t really believe in a god. I believe there is a higher Providence or Power that rules things. I used to believe in the three spirits but all that was shaken when my family broke up. See, my priest at the time, said that if you go to church for a year, things will change. I went faithfully for almost a year, sometimes twice a week I went. And then when that year was almost to a close, I was suicidal and my family was apart. Some change. I blamed God for this and that priest. Oh, how I hated him. I don’t even remember his name, now. I never knew about Allah, or any other religion, until I was an adult. I grew up Catholic so I naively thought everyone was Catholic. I didn’t know there was Protestants, Jewish people, etc. Everyone I knew was Catholic and we all went to the same church, or one like it. I don’t really know the exact moment I heard about Allah. Maybe while I was reading the History of God, though in the book, he was called Mohammad. The book was very dense and didn’t offer too much breathing room. I never finished it because I just couldn’t get through it. But I guess, I learned about Allah when Muslims started entering the US and I wanted to learn more about them. I don’t believe that ISIS are Muslims like they say they are. They are aliens that want to kill and control people. Because why would these people kill their own kind? Doesn’t make sense. From what I have learned, Allah is a peaceful god that wants peace in the world. Why he wants to control me, I have no idea. It is what I believe. He isn’t being too vocal. Meds are keeping him quiet at the moment. I hope he stays quiet.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychosis | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

too dangerous

I have been battling the voices and the delusions all day. It’s like a pounding headache that won’t quit despite taking medication for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in my struggle. I know my family won’t understand. And most of the psych professionals don’t really know how to deal with psychosis. I am so depressed about it. I felt like emailing my psychiatrist telling her I would go to the ER but what for? What can they do that I haven’t done already. I have taken trilafon and Ativan to try and sleep today. It helped somewhat but I had weird dreams. I feel transparent, like people can see right through me, almost like I am a ghost. It is a weird feeling.

I have been trying to read to let my mind wander a bit, but it has been difficult. I rather sleep. I have been taking my meds earlier than I usually take them. I don’t know if it is doing me any good. My sleep has been the same and then I have to wake up in the wee hours to pee. I sometimes stay up for a bit until I can go back to sleep. I then sleep for a few hours before I have to pee again and then I am usually up for the day. Today I am just too tired to fight. So I am resting.

I was doing good pain wise for the last few days. Until this morning. My foot decided it was going to ache more than I can handle right now. So I took a pain pill, which only added to my drowsiness. I don’t understand why my pain has been less since I have been a little bit more active lately. Frankly, I don’t care because I know there will be a day I don’t do anything and my foot will flare up. So if it wants to lay low while I do stuff, that is fine with me. Monday I have to request my pain medication. I think I will go and pick it up rather than have it mailed to me. Last time it was cutting close to my refill date.

You would think that because I have been in less pain, I would be doing well mentally. But I so believe that that Goa’uld are going to be invading us. It is only a matter of time before ISIS gets a stronghold and really become a threat. I don’t know how much of my imagination is real or not but I believe this whole heartedly. ISIS is being controlled by aliens that want to conquer the human race. I don’t even know what “ISIS” stands for. Nor do I care. It’s too bad that the Goa’uld are registered with the Stargate franchise. Otherwise, I could have written a story about this. But I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s bad enough I am being watched 24/7. I know there are bugs in my room trying to get information from me. I play music most of the time to distract the bugs. I play it somewhat loud. My mother is deaf so I don’t have to worry about disturbing her. They want to record the conversations I have with the voices. So I have been silent and it is killing me. I like talking with the voices. But it’s too dangerous.

I was listening with headphones to music from the laptop. It is Bluetooth so I don’t have to stay in one place. It was nice until the music started planting thoughts in my head. The lyrics, even though I was hearing them correctly, somehow had a hidden message that I had to decipher. Every song was like this. I had to stop listening through the headphones. I was getting convinced the headphones were tapped.

Sunday is my father’s birthday party. I have to find out if it is still on because of the wake information. I read the goodbye notes my cousins left for her boyfriend. I started bawling. He was 23. Died way too young. My cousin was in love with him since she was 17. That is a long time to love someone. I still don’t know how old my cousin is. She is younger than I am and I know she is in her twenties. I think she just passed her 21st birthday not that long ago so I am guessing she is around his age. It just is so sad.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, depression, psychosis | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Still having psychotic symptoms

Still having psychotic symptoms.

I emailed my psychiatrist today to see if it was ok to take more trilafon than I am currently taking. I haven’t heard back. It might be a while. I know she is there only a few days a week but she should get back to me sometime tonight. I told her things are pretty much the same and that the paranoia is freaking me out. I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time. The delusions are still the same. I had wicked bad side effects last night from the abilify. I should have taken the Ativan sooner than I did but I was sleepy and thought I would sleep it off. This got interrupted by me having to go pee. Then my arm felt like it was going to fall off. The tension was so great I thought my arm was going to break in two. Then I had spasms and spasticity that drove me insane. I didn’t get to sleep till after 2300. I then woke up around 0600 today but after reading Dostoevsky, I was able to fall back to sleep.

I really hate having to deal with side effects. It is one of the reasons why I take the abilify every other day. But even then, I still could have side effects. I emailed my psychiatrist last night when it was happening. I think I just typed one handed on my phone because I couldn’t hold my phone and type with both hands. The spasms were also in my left hand so in between spasms, I was trying to hold the phone and type. If it wasn’t that bad, I probably would have blogged about it some more.

Insert sarcasm: had fun dealing with the father today. I kept on praying that they would hurry up and take him so I wouldn’t have to listen to his idiotic stories he thinks he is right on, when he is not. Just pisses me off and there is no point in arguing with him. Plus, we were in a public place so I really didn’t want to start an argument, or have him raise his voice in agitation. I blew it off best I could but it still bothers me that I have a vengeful father.

I kind of wish I asked my therapist for a phone session today. Even though I wanted nothing to do with her yesterday, today was tough to deal with, especially after last night. I really have never wanted to die as bad as I did last night just so the spasms would stop and I could get some relief. My arm is still throbbing just thinking about it. It is a side effect I am willing to deal with because all I have to do is take an Ativan for it to go away. Now it seems like I have to take it every night even if I don’t have side effects.

I really need to see my eye doctor. Either my eyesight has gotten worse or my eye muscles just can’t focus on reading anymore. Which is sad. I haven’t been on the computer long, but I have been driving most of the day. That takes a lot of mental energy and focus, especially since I was behind every moron. I think I avoided a minimum of 3 accidents today, one of which shook my father up as the truck on the right lane wanted to come into the middle lane where I was at the time. Bastardo. Then I was talking to myself and my father kept asking what I was saying. He doesn’t get that I talk to myself. And I hate driving with him because he has his own way of getting to where he wants to go. I ignore him and take my route because I am the one driving, not him.

Just got some bad and worse news. One, my cousin’s boyfriend died this week due to a snowboarding accident. To say that she is devastated is beyond measure. The funeral is Monday. I think I will be going to the wake, just to pay my respects. I really hate going to these things. The bad news is that my game on Facebook is shutting down. Last day is April 30th. I am upset over this. Now I will have nothing to fill my time during the day. I don’t know if they will be taking away their Poker game, but then, you can only lose so many times before you get bored with it. I am not a good poker player.

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