Easter Sunday

Happy Easter to those that celebrate it. I had a good family outing that wasn’t stressful. I ate too much though, so my stomach is killing me at the moment.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having bladder spasms, either following a urination or just before. Today I decided to take a home UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) test to see if I do indeed have one. Sure enough, I do. Just great. I am going to have to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can get some antibiotics. I hope I don’t get the nurse when I call. They are clueless with nerve injury patients. Because I don’t feel right, I don’t get the burning or pain on urination like normal people get. It usually is bad enough when it reaches the bladder. I am very uncomfortable. This is my first tract infection in almost three years. Not bad, I guess, considering.

I have not been feeling well the last few days as the spasms have gone from a few times a day to all the time. Or it is just pain. I really can’t tell the difference. I just know that something is not right and I feel discomfort in my lower abdomen. I just hope tomorrow, if I have to go in, I can pee. I cannot pee on demand. I will have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment so that I can go. Just another lovely consequence of cauda equina syndrome. Something that I neglected to put into my book.

I am hoping to have a session with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she will have a time available for me. I still am feeling stressed over my anxiety and my issues with a couple of friends. I was overreacting with one of my friends and the other I still don’t know what is going on. It will be good to talk to her to get a sense if my paranoid self is playing a part in this. Yes, I am taking my meds, but it takes a while for it to work.

I have been more tired lately than I have been. It is most likely due to fighting this infection that I have than anything. Plus being in pain/discomfort all the time is tiring. I haven’t been running a fever or anything. Just been feeling worn out. I just hope I get to see my doc because if I get someone else, I have to explain the whole thing about my nerve injury and how I don’t feel things anymore thanks to a disc pressing on my nerves. I once had to hand my doctor’s nurse information about cauda equina syndrome because she was so difficult. She just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel and thought it must be something else that is causing it. Air brain! Course, it doesn’t help that I have been eating asparagus the past two days. I just feel so icky. I think I am going to take a nap again. Seems every night around 18:30 (630 pm) I feel the need for one. I don’t know why as I got up late today (after 0900). Oh well, and I had a cup of coffee around 1600. So much for that waking me up…

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Saturday Blog 3

It’s Saturday blog time!

I have been trying not to obsess about the sales stats as things have been slow. I got a new buyer today that is selling the book for less than what my book costs and lower what Amazon is offering. It’s a seller I am not familiar with but if they sell my book, I don’t care.

It has been a stressful week. I have been paranoid the beginning of the week but am now settling down. I have had to take increase doses of PRNs (take as needed meds) to keep me from going to the psych emergency room. I got to meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and she was excited about my book. She is my biggest support. I don’t know what I would do without her.

It’s a nice day outside but it’s cold in the house. I am under three blankets and am about to put on a long sleeved shirt. My mother made cookies today, choc chip, my favorite. I hope I don’t eat them all today. LOL Tomorrow is Easter and we celebrate it. I don’t go to church or anything but we have a family dinner.

I don’t know why, but I have been drowsy all day today. I woke up at 11 and have not done anything, other than eat cookies. I did have lunch of fish and chips (fries) while watching the ball game. I also finished making out the customs forms for my shipping out my book overseas. I have two going to UK and one going to Switzerland. I think I might have one going to South Africa but my friend hasn’t emailed me yet on how he wants to proceed.

I unfriended a long time friend last night. He was annoying me and I don’t know what I did but I seemed to piss him off too. Before it escalated any further, I just unfriended him. It really hurt to do that because I have known him for such a long time. But I can’t take sarcastic, rude remarks from him anymore. Funny I am writing this, and “What hurts the most” by Rascal Flatts comes on the radio. It could be that I am overreacting. It has been a long stressful week for me.

This time last week, I was probably sleeping and waiting for approval for my proof to come in. I had not published on Kindle yet, that would come a day later. Amazing how fast a week goes. And I had a HUGE accomplishment to make the week special. Now my book is available in paperback and I have seen the paperback in someone’s hands so I know it is real. I have two proofs that I am not sure what I am going to do with it. I will probably put them somewhere safe. A friend from Mexico gave me this box that smells nice so I might place it in there if the books fit.

I also need to work on my signature. I think that will be my task for the week.

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Midnight Demon, The book detailed


Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

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Pink Pill Part 2

This is what I wrote prior to the blog, “really don’t care”

14-4-14 Pink Pill Part 2

Not doing good. Just realized, I’m becoming delusional over a blogger. I’m convinced this blogger is out to get me somehow though the actual odds of this happening are quite nill. I haven’t been taking the pink pill, mostly because I keep forgetting to or I just thought I can get away with taking it every other day. The pill is expensive for me. But I really need it to keep the delusions away. Luckily, the voices haven’t started up, but I think that is why I have been in a gloomy mood the past few days.

I also have not been taking my mood stabilizer. I haven’t had the inclination to refill my weekly pill box so just been taking what I feel like taking. I think I might end up in the hospital soon if I don’t start taking all my pills. Psychosis for me always means ending up in the hospital.

I don’t know how skipping the pills got started. My editor sent me the first read through late Friday night and I couldn’t sleep so worked on the edits. I wasn’t feeling good and didn’t take everything that night, except my hormone pill, which I have to take to avoid my menses. But I don’t know when the delusions started. I never really do, they just creep up on me. I guess I am hearing internal voices that are saying that this blogger is out to get me when I know there I is no likelihood of this actually happening. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with getting my book published in a week. I thought I was handling everything okay. Until the conversation with this blogger became more frequent.

I’m also feeling suicidal. I feel this should end. I can’t sleep. I am in awful spasms from the pink pill. It likes to turn my muscles into a rubber ball. With my suicidality up, I am thinking of taking more meds than I should. I already took my required dose today but I want to take more so I can sleep. But I know I will be betraying my pdoc and I can’t risk that, not without calling her first. But it’s late and I hate calling her at this hour. I’m getting to be a wreck. I can’t handle stress like a “normal” person. I just want some sleep so I took some Neurontin. It works in a pinch. Also will help with the burning pain that I am feeling.

And the only reason I am a wreck is because I missed a few days of the pink pill. Weird that out of all my meds, this pill is the one I am most dependent on. Because when I am on it, no delusions, no paranoia, and no voices.

It amazes me that all I need is 10 mg of the pink pill and I am sane. It’s the only pill that works for me. I have been on others but none work like this drug. It is my savior. Savior from hospitalizations. Least I hope so…

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horrible feeling

I was supposed to type up a blog tonight about things but never got to so I will post it another time.

I got a little crazy last night, actually, more impatient because I wasn’t falling asleep fast enough. I was really tired and took my meds but my damn brain just wouldn’t shut off. Then I got really paranoid. I still believe a fellow blogger is after me though I know that is highly unlikely. I just can’t help feel that this person is out to get me, and is watching what I say I do through the web. I know part of this is because I missed taking my meds the beginning of the week. Not taking the pink pill really does a number on me when I don’t take it. My therapist wants me in the hospital. Pisses me off because other than babysitting me, what the hell are they going to do?? I have to give the meds time to work. Sure they can drug me up good like the last time I was there but I don’t want that. They had me on almost 12 mg of trilafon at one point because I was paranoid WHILE in the hospital. I thought the staff was going to harm me and wanted to barricade myself in my room. But I thought if I did that, how would my roommates get to their stuff and bed so I didn’t. I told the contact person, who made me get some PRNs and I got drugged up some more. I hated it. The regular voices that I had went bye-bye and I was all alone. I hated it.

I told myself that if I became psychotic again, I wouldn’t let my therapist or psychiatrist talk me into going in the hospital. I will do whatever it takes to avoid another hospitalization. Right now, I am trying not to obsess about my stats too much. I don’t know why I have to be such a nerd. I check my blog stats, I check my sales stats, it’s always stats. And I did poorly in the class that I took. I never understood, and still don’t, know what the numbers really mean. It took me hours to get it. Now, I understand a little more but I really just look at sample size and the P value of things rather than percentages and graphs. I hate graphs. I always had a hard time making them in college. I could never get the Y and X values right. I always mixed them up so my graph looked stupid.

I had therapy today. My therapist is worried about me. A few bloggers are too. I just hate feeling this way. I just want to end it and I don’t have a real good explanation on why I want to die. Is that terrible? I just published my book and now I want to die. What does that say? No one knows how I feel. I just feel fucking crazy right now. The voices keep telling me I am being watched. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope that it only takes a few PRNs to make them go away.

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Crappy day

To all that was concerned about me last night I am fine. A bit hangover but still here, unfortunately.

I still feel terribly suicidal. But I know that if I go into the hospital, they won’t do anything for me but babysit me.

I have another blog that I wrote during my madness. I will post that later.

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really don’t care

I like how you can say you are a ten on a scale of 1-10 but still have a straight face. We all get used to the pain eventually and that is why people don’t believe us because we aren’t tearing our limbs to shreds. it’s terrible. I believe you. I am at a 10 myself but at a different scale. just took a lot of pills and don’t care if I wake up tomorrow. I had enough. I am sick and tired of dealing with this crap every night.

I hope these pills kill me but I know they won’t. I will probably wake up in six fricken hours. The story of my life. 6 hour sleep no matter how many pills I take or how tired I am. It’s enough to drive you mad. I texted my therapist on what I did. We’ll see if she calls me tomorrow. I really don’t care.

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human barometer

Had a long day. Woke up early, didn’t eat anything most of the day and then got a migraine. Been on and off gagging so should have known to take my migraine pill with me but sometimes it just turns out to be post nasal drip. I never know when I am going to have a migraine.

I feel a little bit better now that I had something to eat and taken my meds. But I feel wicked wiped out. Guess I will be going to bed early tonight as there is no way I can stay up late after being up at fricken six.

I feel really poorly. Like someone popped the balloon I was in. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it is just because I am over tired. I am so glad I no longer work. Because if I had to do a shift, I think I would cry. I am hurting in all kinds of ways. I almost started bawling while watching the old TV show Emergency. I don’t know why. But I caught myself.

I got my second proof today and I do NOT like it. I should have kept things the way they were with proof one. But it’s ok, long as some jerk doesn’t criticize me for my formatting faults. Course, I am my own worse critic.

I sold my first ten copies today. Four more came in and I am very happy about that so I don’t understand why I am so blue. I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. I also tried getting an appt with my pdoc. But she hasn’t answered my email. I will give her till tomorrow to answer and then I will send another. She is bound to answer one of them. Though, if she is in email jail, it might take her a while to get back to me. I am so glad I don’t have to worry about email jail anymore. I used to be in it so often, it would drive me crazy. At least once a week, usually on a Saturday when we had downtime, I would clean out my inbox to make room for new stuff.

But that was when I was working. Now, with my private email, I don’t have to worry about being in jail.

I completed the paperwork that my long term disability required, sealed the envelope, and then realized I skipped a section I was supposed to fill out. FUCK. I wanted to go back to it but I really just wanted to stuff the envelope and be done with it. It has been sitting in my “inbox” for at least a week already. Luckily, because I have not gotten paid anything from my book sales, I don’t have to declare it. And it’s not a salary with a W2 form so I don’t think I do have to declare it. Not that it is much right now. I have made less than hundred dollars. LOL My book is a hit! NOT. I hope one day it will be, but maybe the first one doesn’t sell well and the second will.

I already started working on my second book. Yea, I know I said I wasn’t ready for it but I am BORED. I have NOTHING to do with my time, except for going to Starbucks to journal. And that takes only three to four hours out of my day. I need something to do other than scroll through Facebook every ten minutes.

It’s really windy today. I nearly lost my baseball cap at least once today. But the weather was beautiful, otherwise. My back is aching because it was like 40 yesterday and now it’s 70. I HATE these extremes because it just causes me so much pain. But I am the human barometer when it comes to the weather. And it sucks.

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‘My heart is full’


Great news and great blog. Suicide attempt survivors on the front page of the NY Times and a new division in the AAS. So happy!!

Originally posted on What happens now?:

photo(2) Misha Kessler, Dese’Rae Stage, Samantha Nadler, Craig Miller

A lot just happened. In the last five days, the American Association of Suicidology created a division for attempt survivors and anyone who’s been suicidal; The New York Times published a story on that and the public emergence of attempt survivors; at least four “out” attempt survivors spoke at full-conference sessions; three attempt survivors were named to the new AAS speakers’ bureau; the documentary team behind the well-regarded “Of Two Minds” took footage for a new film on attempt survivors and loss survivors; three “out” professionals spoke and got a dozen people in the audience to raise their hands about their own suicidal experience … and the amazing people in the photo above brought standing ovations and sniffles as they spoke on a “New Voices of Attempt Survivors” panel and basically blew the doors off stigma.

Listen to it here. You…

View original 274 more words

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An Accomplishment

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

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