Coffee Worked!

Coffee worked!

I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.

I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.

I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.

I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.

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tired and drowsy

I took my mood stabilizer again early in the morning when I woke up and fell asleep. I feel so groggy. I haven’t made coffee yet and will soon. This is terrible. How am I going to function during the day if I just want to sleep? I won’t be taking it tomorrow morning because I have an appointment with my pdoc in the afternoon and I don’t want to be drowsy. I know the risk is becoming hypomanic but I will risk it. I got to go to Walgreens today. I need some more dark chocolate and to pick up the rest of my prescriptions. The app that I have kept on giving me reminders so I just said the hell with it and ordered it. I will go after I have my coffee.

I am feeling kind of depressed. I found out today my niece went back to her college dorm. She didn’t even say goodbye to me. She took my mother’s toaster oven and left. I won’t see her probably until Thanksgiving. I really am going to miss her, course I didn’t really see her most of the summer because she was working and taking a couple of classes. But she did make some awesome brownies when we were together. Why do kids have to grow up?

I really don’t want to do anything today. Going to Walgreens is going to be a hurdle. I also need to take a shower sometime today. Maybe that will wake me up, but giving my track records with showers, I doubt it. I really just want to go back to sleep. The weird thing is, I take the same dose at night and it doesn’t make me sleepy. I don’t understand it. Maybe I should take it by itself and see if it does make me crash. I think my sleep will be better. I thought the tiredness would wear off after a few days but it doesn’t seem to be that way. I don’t know what to do. I need this med to control the hypos but I don’t want to be sleeping all day. Unless the crash is starting and the depression is masking the effects of the drug. That is possible. We’ll know tomorrow when I don’t take it.

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamt I was working at my old retail place and it was very busy. I was working the register and returns when this lady came in with Christmas decorations wanting to return them. You could tell they were at least a few years old and it was summer so she didn’t just buy them. I had to go to the bathroom in the dream and then I woke up. The weird part was that we were working out of someone’s house rather than the store. Weird.

The stuff that I bought from Amazon came today. I got my dirt devil vacuum. It’s staying in the box until I have energy to use it. I don’t have any energy right now to play with it. I am so fricken tired. I just had lunch so I shouldn’t be tired. Game is on so I am going to watch it and make some coffee.

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Nerves

Nerves

I sent a copy of my blog to a friend of mine for her input. She said that it was good, though she didn’t know what else to say about it. That made me feel a little bit better about using this as a template for editing, though I don’t know how much editing I am really going to be doing. I am really nervous about this class. I wish I knew something more about the class as the email the teacher sent us was not entirely straightforward. I know my perfectionism is getting the better of me and that is what is driving up the anxiety.

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. They finally filled it and I am grateful I didn’t have to file a complaint. I was going to get a haircut and go to the post office but I woke up really tired. I just had some coffee to try and wake up. I hope this side effect of the medication wears off soon. I can’t stand being like this, where all I want to do is sleep. In addition to getting my prescription, I got some chocolate because I haven’t had any in a long time. I got Hershey’s Special Dark and Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I love dark chocolate, but not too dark. I stop at 68%. Any more than that and it’s too bitter.

My mother made bacon so I made eggs and put it all in a burrito for breakfast. Now I am full after I had my coffee. I don’t know when I will have lunch. I think I will make steak for supper. I have to make it before it goes bad. I am hoping the coffee doesn’t cause me to go hyper. Course, right now, I feel like I could nod off and sleep for a couple of hours. Game is on at 1600 today. I am getting a little depressed as there is only four weeks left of baseball, well of Red Sox baseball anyways. It’s going to be sad because one of the announcers on NESN has been fired. He was one of my favorites. Now they will be having another guy doing the 2016 games. My other favorite guy, Remy, will only be doing 40 home games. It is going to suck big time. I have no idea who is going to do the radio show with Joe Castiglione. His partner Dave is going to NESN. I hope it’s not going to be Merloni. I can’t stand him. He makes a boring analysis of baseball. And his voice is kind of like a rude know it all. I am just very sad that things are changing. I knew there would be changes to the Sox as they have a new CEO, but I wasn’t expecting changes in the broadcasting booths.

Last night I was going through some blogs looking for some that had a story of a good depressing tale. I found one but it was short, less than 500 words. I apparently wrote it while I was dissociating. It was a good piece of writing and I hope I can stretch it out. I really need to start working on my book because 2016 is going to be here before I know it and I would like to publish this book sometime during that year. But I haven’t been in a depressed writing mood since the hypos have taken over. I have felt “well”, which is not something that I feel often. In fact, I hardly feel that way ever, which is why I am so scared when I crash. I am so afraid of falling deep in the abyss and never coming out. But the longer I don’t feel a crash, the more I am nervous. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you have no idea when it is going to happen. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later, just so I am prepared. Both of my treatment team knows I have been hypo for quite a long period of time. I think they both are waiting as well for me to crash. It would be nice to think that adding the mood stabilizer in the morning will prevent it but I doubt it. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year taking it twice a day and I still crashed by mid-September. It lasted for a long while, until Feb when I was hypo again for a few days. I wonder if you can feel really exhausted being hypo because right now I am looking at my pillow and it is calling my name. I really want to take another nap so bad. But I am afraid that if I do, I won’t sleep tonight or I will be up really late like I was last night. I also got the late night hungry horrors, where I was wicked hungry. It was like I didn’t eat anything at all, all day. I wish I bought rice so I could have had it with my steak. I was really craving carbs so I had a tortilla wrap and a nutri grain bar at like 0100.

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Migraine City

Migraine City

I woke up early this morning around 0600. I had breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later with a headache. I didn’t think nothing of it so went about my business. I took a shower and surprisingly, it didn’t exhaust me. I got a text saying the bus route that I take to the square was really late. Great. So I finished getting dressed, got my headphones and went to the bus stop. I didn’t know how late the bus was and I didn’t want to miss it if it was close to being on time. I guess it was really late because I caught the other route that was going down Broadway. I figured I take that bus to get to the Square. By the time I got to Starbucks, my eye hurt really bad and the headache was worse. Hello migraine. There was nothing I could take for it as I didn’t have any pills on me. I didn’t have so much as an Advil. I just drank my coffee, hoping the caffeine would make the pain subside. By the time I was half way done with my coffee, the pain did subside. It was a minor ache but I still didn’t feel well. The pain travelled to the side of my neck. It wasn’t fun. I had an errand to do for my mother before catching the bus home. I ran it and then waited for the bus. As the bus got there, I got another text that the bus was running behind. It was five minutes late. Sucked but at least I wasn’t stranded at the station. My ankle was really hurting so there was no way for me to walk to Broadway to catch the other bus. I would have to wait for another bus route that went down the street to catch it.

After I got off the bus, I decided to go to Walgreens and get my pain medications filled. Damn pharmacist had a problem filling them because both were short acting pain meds. Fucking A. She had to call the office to verify what my doctor wrote. Now I have to wait another day to get my meds. My ankle is not happy as I was waiting. Once they told me it was going to be an hour I said I would pick it up tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be in the store an hour while my ankle was in the mist of a flare up. I got some migraine pills that were over the counter and turkey bacon as I had a coupon for it. I haven’t had turkey bacon in a long time. They also had my favorite flavor of Gatorade so I bought that, too. I figure it would help my migraine as they always say drink Gatorade for a migraine/headache.

I came home and got the mail. Now I am just going to relax with the AC on. If I get a message saying my prescription is ready, I will just pick it up tomorrow. I thought about picking it up later but my ankle is really hurting. I don’t know what I did but when I kicked off my sneakers, it really yelled at me. I took my migraine pill so I should get rid of this damn thing in a half hour. I hope by then my appetite comes back because I didn’t have lunch and it’s close to dinner time. While I was running the errand for my mother, I thought about getting her cod fillets. She usually eats fish on Fridays but they were expensive. For a tiny piece of fish it was close to eight bucks. My mother would kill me for spending that much money on it. If my headache is gone and I feel like eating, I plan on making my steak. That is all I want. I had Manwich last night. It was very good. I still have about three sandwiches left. That will be lunch tomorrow.

I emailed my pdoc giving her an update on my mood. I texted my therapist with the same info. Taking my morning mood stabilizer pill has helped with the hypos considerably, though I feel really numb and groggy. I took the pill early this morning after I had breakfast and it really knocked me out. That is why I didn’t think nothing of the headache when I woke up because I just thought it was a hangover. I am glad the hypos are being controlled but feeling nothing is worse. I don’t feel happy nor sad or content or depressed. I just feel absolutely nothing. I do feel somewhat weepy at times though. I don’t know what that is about.

I got an email for the class I registered for Monday night. Now I am getting really nervous about it. Shit just got real. The email said to bring an essay that was between 750-1500 words. I got that checked. It’s my Love/hate blog that I have been sending to the NY Times. I would really love to get this published there. I keep sending it a couple times a week. I think I got to change the message though. Maybe if I add that it’s a piece on suicide transference they might take it. I have been sending them the same message over and over again. Maybe if I spice it up with suicide talk it might be considered.

I am kind of nervous about the piece with a group of strangers. What if they don’t like my style of writing or think the piece is too morose? My pdoc liked the piece very much that she asked me what was I going to do with it so it can’t be that bad. It’s just that these people are real writers and I just don’t know how critical they are going to be. The class is on editing and making it more dynamic writing. I just hope my mood state doesn’t become irritable or too paranoid. I am really nervous because I have never met other writers before. I even bought business cards so I can share my info with other people when I go there. I think it would be nice to next work but the cards won’t come until next week, after the class. I could have paid extra shipping but it was more than twenty bucks. I don’t need them that bad! I do have some business cards but it has my old work information on it. I’d have to cross out everything for it to be current. It sucks that I have these cards and I can’t use them. Waste of money and paper. I only purchased them because we were doing a lot of studies and thought it was a good idea in case they wanted to get in touch with me. I don’t think I hand out one card. Course, now that I think about it, I could have sent it with the blood tubes instead of stickers. Always think of things in hindsight.

I hope my ankle pain subsides. I have enough pain meds to make it to Monday, in case my doc doesn’t get back to the pharmacy this weekend. Just sucks that I have to wait because of their concern. It’s signed by my doctor and he obviously knows what he is doing otherwise I doubt he would have written the prescription. Also, they could have just asked me why the prescription was written and I could tell them why. One of the pain meds I take for breakthrough pain, or when the pain is really severe (which is also indicated on the damn prescription). It’s not helping my headache worrying about it. I just hope it’s all cleared up by Monday or some people at corporate is going to hear my vexation!

Oh, and just to let you know, the word awesomesauce made it to the dictionary today but suicidality still isn’t in there. Go figure that one out.

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Think the Hypos are Gone

Think the Hypos are gone

I think I am finally winding down since taking my mood stabilizer in the morning and evening, though I did feel a rush while going to my father’s apartment. It was brief and didn’t last long. I just felt the bus was moving slow. I usually take the bus to the station and then get off there but today I decided to take a bus to his house. It takes about the same about of time. I wanted to get a haircut today but didn’t. My feet were hurting me by the time all was said and done.

I was starving by the time I came home so made myself an egg and cheese burrito. It was good, though kind of bland. I didn’t use any seasoning for the eggs. I usually just put pepper but didn’t today. I scoffed it down and then had my blueberry pie. And then I got hungry again. I haven’t eaten anything since but I will in a couple of hours. I plan on making manwich tonight. Maybe steak tomorrow.

I had therapy today. Something is wrong with my therapist’s phone. I think she is going to have to upgrade even though she doesn’t want to. She kept going silent while we were talking, like the mute button was pressed or something. We talked about my current mood and how yesterday went. I mostly slept, which was unusual. I snoozed for a little bit and my niece napped. It was a nice trade off. I then fell asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up until 2300 or so. I stayed up to catch the score of the ball game and was shocked we kept a shutout going. We won and Taz got a save. I should sleep through a game more often! I took my meds and then went back to sleep. I slept a good seven hours straight. My therapist said that being hyper is exhausting. I guess it is. I just know that I am really tired instead of being hyper. I could go to sleep right now if I wanted to but I need to write this blog.

My checking account is still in the positive so I haven’t gone on any binges while manic. I am happy about that. I need to email my pdoc to update her on how I am doing. I didn’t email her yesterday because I got caught up with my babysitting duties and then taking a nap. I feel pretty numb. I don’t know if that is a precursor to crashing. I just know it is better than feeling “high” and racy. My thoughts are kind of slower than they have been. I finally was able to sit and read for a little bit this morning so I think I am headed in the right direction.

My therapist was curious about the class I will be taking Monday night. I told her it was an editing class and I hope I benefit from it. Otherwise, the money I spent would be wasted. I think she is most interested in this class than I am. I am just a bundle of nerves. It’s a three hour class. Should be fun. I am really looking forward to it but just nervous about it.

I was Facebooking and “Bones” has a new squintern. BETTY WHITE! No joke!! The show is going to be hilarious! I am wicked excited about this. Course I wonder who is leaving. Probably Daisy as she just had a baby.

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Random 699: Hypos Continue

Yesterday I was borderline manic. Today I am feeling the same way because I only got around four hours of sleep. I took my meds which included my mood stabilizer for the morning dose. I am trying to get out of this hypomanic bullshit but it’s difficult. Last night I took sixteen milligrams of trilafon and was still up till 0200. I just could not calm the hell down. I tried taking a Neurontin and my pain meds but it didn’t do anything for me. I am watching my niece so I can’t take anything to make me go back to Morpheus. Nor do I want to. I really want to go out. My groceries came so I have dinner for tonight. I think I am going to make Manwich so I will have it for the week. I will save some burger for my mother so she can have a hamburger or something. She doesn’t like Manwich. No one in my house does. They don’t know what they are missing out on!!

Tomorrow is going to be tricky because my niece’s grandmother is supposed to pick her up but I have a 1030 appointment with my therapist around the time she is supposed to be here. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t want to miss out on our time and it’s too late to cancel the appointment. I then have to go to my father’s to do his meds.

I was able to sneak in a nap after we had lunch. My other older niece was home so I took advantage of sleeping. I feel rested and not as racy as I was. Maybe this is the end of the mania streak. I hope so because this is getting tiring. I want to have my old mood back. I mean, it’s nice feeling like you are on top of the world but you also know it’s not going to last. The crash might kill me. My little niece is sleeping now. She read her book and conked out. She must like reading this book because she hasn’t really complained when the time comes to end. She won’t read more than her allotted time but she will read and not ask is time up like her other books.

I need to try and take a shower today. I have been trying to stick with an every other day schedule. So far it is working but showering takes a lot of energy. It wears me out for some reason. By the time I start washing my hair, I am wicked tired but I haven’t washed my body. I rush through and then I hurt. My foot acts up, my back hip. It’s awful. Sometimes when I am wiping my feet, my left foot will start cramping on me. Then I can’t stand on it for a few minutes. I hate taking a shower. With my hip, I have to sit down for a few minutes before I can actually get dressed. Putting clothes on takes more spoons than you can imagine. I brought this up with my PCP yesterday but he didn’t say too much other than to lose weight as I was carrying a 50 lb stone around. Whatever that means. He explained it to me but I was so “high” yesterday things really didn’t sink in.

My therapist was glad I told my PCP that I was transgender. She wished she could have been a fly on the wall. I still can’t believe it. I can’t really say that he was supportive or not supportive because I wasn’t exactly in a right state of mind. I was extremely talkative because of the mania. Even last night I was talking to the voices about things that could have waited until morning. But there was such a pressure to get the words out that I was having full fledged conversations with them. My internet kicked out. I am glad I write this in word doc before I send it to WordPress.

I got my stupid menses today. It should be really bumming me out but because of the hypomania, it’s not. I have been eating a lot today. I had cereal and ordered a pizza for my niece. She had one slice, I had three. I know she is going to be hungry when she wakes from her nap. I don’t know if she will want pizza or some other thing. I am not hungry so whatever I make, it will be for her. I don’t think I will make Manwich tonight.

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Sirens 2

Sirens 2

I have been listening to Pearl Jam’s “Sirens” for the past half hour. It seems to be fitting with my hyper brain. I am still hypo though I didn’t feel that way when I left the house this morning. I was pretty groggy, alert, but groggy. I thought since I slept most of the morning, the hypos were going away finally and I would be back to my “normal” self. I was wrong. By the time I reached my PCP’s office, I was flying high. They gave me some crappy paperwork to fill out and before I was done with it, they called me into his exam room.

The exam was normal. We talked about my stupid weight and he would like me to reduce my food intake by 5%. I think I can do that. For lunch/dinner I just had a half a sandwich. Other than the donut I had for breakfast, I haven’t eaten anything else today. He then asked what my orientation was because he was “dumb”. I told him, in confidence, that I was TG and I didn’t want it in my medical record until I was transitioning. Which I don’t know when it will be. I feel so hyper that I feel like I could do this today. I was really racy when I left his office. I knew I was hyper because I made him laugh at something and it took him some time to regain his composure. I have no idea what was so funny as whatever I said was forgotten shortly there after.

I emailed my pdoc about my experience and asked if I could take some trilafon. I took 4 mg after our exchange but I am still ramped up. My thoughts are going in fifty million directions. I don’t know how I am writing this blog as my mind is everywhere. He did say to me that if I crash and think about hurting myself, to call him before I do anything. We shook on it. I don’t know if that is a good thing as I would have shook his hand anyway. And besides I am so high right now that I don’t think I am ever coming down. I have never been this way before, not for too long. I just hope that I don’t spend all of my check tomorrow. Granted after all my bills are paid, I will have just $100 left. If I am able to keep it, it will be a miracle. I still have some money left from the payment, but it’s only like 15 bucks. I should have ordered a steak and cheese sub with fries instead of the roast beef BBQ sandwich. It was good but I couldn’t finish it all. Tomorrow I think I will order a pizza for my niece and I. I usually get her a pizza when I babysit her and need to feed her dinner. Or maybe we will have it for lunch. I don’t know. Depends on my mood.

I can’t believe I told my PCP I am transgender. But I felt like I could trust him. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes after I told him. I think he was expecting me to tell him I was gay. I signed up for the class for next Monday. There were still openings available. Now I just need to print out my essay that I will be editing. It is the Love/Hate blog that I wrote more than a month ago. I feel it is a good piece of work and have been submitting it to NY Times for the past month but still have not had any responses. It might be too short and that is why they haven’t gotten back to me. I don’t know if they are even getting my messages but I keep sending a message every day or every other day.

Another song I have been listening to is “Leave out the Rest” by Linkin Park. It is a song that I have dedicated to Edwin Shneidman, PhD. He was a psychologist in the suicidology field that I really look up to. Dr. Shneidman was the father of suicidology. I haven’t written about him since the early goings of my blog. I should maybe write something about his work while I am in the mist of this hypomania bullshit. It should keep me focused. I will post the lyrics to Sirens at the end of this blog. The music is so touching. If you want to see the video, check out my other blog “Sirens” or you can just YouTube it. Music is so powerful when I am this “high”. I can’t believe I took the trilafon and I still haven’t slowed down much. I even watched an episode of Rizzoli and Isles. It’s always fun to watch them. I adore these women so much. Maura is so the opposite of Jane. Both are smart in their respective fields. That is what makes the show so good. Did I mention they were hot, too?

“Sirens”
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens.

Hear the sirens,
Hear the circus so profound.
I hear the sirens
More and more in this here town

Let me catch my breath to breathe
And reach across the bed
Just to know we’re safe
I am a grateful man

The slightest bit of light
And I can see you clear
Oh, have to take your hand
And feel your breath for fear this someday will be over

I pull you close, so much to lose knowing that nothing lasts forever
I didn’t care before you were here.
I danced in laughter with the everafter
But all things change
Let this remain

Hear the sirens
Covering distance in the night.
The sound echoing closer.
Will they come for me next time?

For every choice, mistake I’ve made, it’s not my plan
To send you in the arms of another man
And if you choose to stay I’ll wait, I’ll understand

Oh, it’s a fragile thing
This life we lead
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulders

Want you to know that should I go
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away.

It’s a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder

Want you to know that should I go,
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away.

Ah-ah, oh-oh
Ah-ah, oh-oh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pA-_DND-tc here is the lyric video.

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worries 2

I think if I am not “better” by next week, it will be time to think about the hospital even if I don’t want to go. Things are getting too weird, even for me. My pdoc is worried as she wanted to set up an appointment for tomorrow but I will be babysitting the next few days so can’t see her. I told her about my weird psychosis that is happening, but didn’t give much detail because I was afraid should would tell me I need to be in the hospital. I don’t think the hospital will do anything for me except drug me up so that I am not so hyper.

I woke up this morning with a cramp in my foot so took an Ativan. My throat is a little scratchy, too. I hope it’s not anything to worry about. I hate sore throats. If I get sick, I don’t care, I won’t go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being on a fucking psych unit and being ill, physically. You can’t have cough drops whenever you want them because they have to be ordered by a doctor. It sucks. Been there a few times and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to be in my own bed, where I could take Nyquil whenever I wanted to.

I had a good sleep finally. If I dreamed, I don’t remember them. It’s another muggy day. I wish I didn’t have to go out but I have to see my PCP. I am not looking forward to it. I just wish he would say nothing about my weight. And maybe he will. I don’t know. It always makes me nervous. Maybe I will bring some Ativan and slip him one. LOL just kidding. It’s going to be a longer appointment because it’s my stupid physical. I hate physicals. I think they are just a waste of time.

Checked my bank account and looks like the payment went through that I was hoping for. I am so relieved. I just placed my grocery and allergy meds order. Now I don’t have to worry about food for a month. I did shave off some of the stuff so it’s not quite as expensive and just got what I really need. I still ordered my steak. I will have it delivered tomorrow morning. I hope it does get delivered before my therapy appointment. I will be watching the munchkin but she is 10 years old and can be left alone for a little while so I can put my groceries away, and have pie.

I might add on ground beef so I can make manwich. But sometimes they don’t have the buns, which is weird because I order the stop and shop kind, not the name brand. Hopefully that was a one time thing. I haven’t made manwich in months. I am the only one that likes it so will eat it for a week. I am a true carnivore.

I really hope my mood settles down this week. I don’t think I can take another week of feeling on top of the world. It’s nice but I am waiting for the shoe to drop as I know it’s not going to last. It will suck if I get a deep depression after feeling good for two weeks. Just hope the psychosis bit stays away.

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And the hypos continue

And the Hypos Continue

Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.

I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.

Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.

I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.

I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.

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baseball, pie, and other things

I was all over the place this afternoon. I decided to listen to the ball game but I got the munchies so decided to make some popcorn. As I was making it, I watched it on TV until the 8th inning as I couldn’t stand the heat and mugginess of the living room anymore. They were winning by two runs so I thought they would win the game. BPD chat was going on at the time of the 7th inning so I was multitasking. I retreated to my room so I could be on my laptop as my phone was dying anyways. I still kept up with the fluid intake. By the time chat ended around 5, the closing pitcher blew the game!! I couldn’t believe he allowed four fucking runs to score! I was bullshit. I really wanted to win this game and take the series away from KC but it wasn’t going to happen, not with our shitty bullpen. I am so disappointed right now. I already watched a damn blooper when they had two errors on the same play. And they came back to make it 6-4, which I thought would be the final score. NOPE. NOT happening. Damn you Taz. Hope he gets DFA’d.

When I listened to the rest of the bottom half of the 9th inning, one of the announcers was on that I can’t stand. I am glad I watched half the game. I don’t know what happened to my buddy Dave. He was there in the first few innings that I was listening. He and Joe make a good duo. Not the other guy, Lou. Lou I can’t stand. His analysis of the game or the pitch or whatever is so over done it’s not funny. And you aren’t watching the game so you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Just annoys me.

I read some of Harry Potter to keep my mind occupied before the game. I really don’t but do like this book. It is emotional for me for some reason. I can’t stand when people cry and if people in the book that I like start crying, I will too. I am a sucker for other people’s sadness. So I was laughing and crying in the chapters I was reading. Good thing I read alone or my family members would really question my sanity.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my earlier blog. I didn’t think I would have two blogs today but I got in the writing mood. I still need to email NYT again. I guess I will keep emailing them the same message until I get a response, if I ever get a response. I don’t subscribe to their column and wish I did. It would be nice to read other stories to see if someone publishes something similar to my story. Then I could stop emailing them. I didn’t think of this till now. I am kind of sow to these things. I filled my pill box for the week. Only pill I didn’t put in was the blasted hormone pill. I have to stop it so I can get my menses so this discharge fucking stops. I am so annoyed it is not funny. Every three months I got to take a break. It used to be five months now it’s three. I hate it, I really do. I think that is why I have been so out of things this past week. I have to go over my grocery list because I have close to $200 worth of stuff and I have no idea if it’s junk food or real food. I seemed to just click on something when I had a craving for a certain food. I know I ordered rice and steak and a couple of half pies. Those I will keep. The rest will have to go. I haven’t had pie in a very long time. My work used to make some excellent pies but for some reason their fruit pies started to suck as the crust became watery. It was gross. So their pumpkin or squash pie was the only thing that stayed good. I ordered a blueberry pie, which I know my mother will like. I also ordered pumpkin because I haven’t had it in over a year. I didn’t make it last Thanksgiving and for Christmas, my brother in law turned the pie into soup. I have no idea how the hell that happened but I wasn’t touching it. I made pumpkin pie once but forgot the sugar so it was terrible. I thought the evaporated milk would be enough and didn’t realize the mistake until after I cooked it. I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes soon as the weather cools down and isn’t so damn muggy.

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