Pain relief and oblivion
I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.
I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.
I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.
I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.
My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.