I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.
I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.
I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.
I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.