PT and other stuff

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

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short blog 2

I am still feeling unwell, though I feel better than what I did yesterday. Today I just feel like I have no energy and am really stuffy. Right now I am having side effects from the pink pill so I am not sure how much writing I am going to get done tonight.

I didn’t have therapy today. I slept for most of the day, though I did go to Walgreens to get Nyquil and my corn chips. I wanted two bags but they only had one. I couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t believe how expensive Nyquil is now. For two bottles it used to be 15 bucks. Now it’s 19 bucks. Luckily it was on sale for 14 bucks so I was happy. I wasn’t going to pay $10 for one bottle if I didn’t have to. And I know I will go through the first bottle within the next few days.

I am back to listening to Taylor. I am happy about this. For now it is my one joy. I am too sick to go to Starbucks for coffee or even have coffee. I haven’t had coffee since Monday.

Side effects are affecting my writing so I think I will stop here. If I get a chance I will write later

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random 648

I am not feeling well today. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting. After I had therapy, I broke out in a fever, low grade. It didn’t last too long after I took some naproxen. I still feel shitty. I didn’t know what I was going to have for supper as I didn’t eat lunch. I made some soup. I hope it doesn’t make me sick as it is past its expiration date. So far, I am not feeling worse than I already do. My head still feels fuzzy.

In therapy, we talked more about my father and how crappy I was feeling. I need to go to walgreens to get some Nyquil but after I broke out in a fever, decided against it. She asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day and I said to tend to my crops. Some how she thought I said crabs. Don’t know where her head is. She blamed it on my “accent”. I guess it is funny but I wasn’t in the mood for laughter. We also talked about how my mood is shifting. One minute I will be fine, the next I will be severely depressed. Then back to being fine again. The depression doesn’t last but when it hits, it is like the world is coming to an end. It is worse at night, always worse at night. I don’t know if it’s like a sundown effect or what, but my mood plummets soon after the sun setting. Today that doesn’t appear to be the case as I am too sick to be depressed, I guess. I just feel so awful. It sucks being sick, especially when you don’t have the stuff to make you better. I will go out tomorrow and get my stuff that I need. I don’t have any more naproxen or ibuprofen so if I run a fever again, I am screwed. I was able to get some Tylenol from my mother’s stash. But she doesn’t have ibuprofen. She tends to think that tension headache medicine takes care of her pain. All it is, is Tylenol mixed with caffeine. But as long as it helps her, I am okay with it.

Because my headache is taking the effect of a migraine, I am sensitive to sound and light. I had to stop playing Taylor because the music was not having a pleasurable effect on me. And like I predicted, the songs are playing shuffle in my head. I will start with one song and then later on it will play another song. It keeps changing and then it won’t leave my brain until I actually hear the song, at low volume. I am kind of upset this cold is affecting my music playing. But then, there was construction going on next door and I was very irate most of the day. I couldn’t stand listening to the chainsaw, some kind of diesel vehicle backing up and beeping, and a grinding noise coming from the backyard. It was so annoying. Then it would stop for a few minutes after all the grinding and sawing only to hear the damn vehicle beeping. It finally stopped around 1630.

I think I am totally obsessing over Taylor. I just can’t get enough of her. I auto-record all her interviews and performances. I can’t wait for the American Music Awards to see her sing one of her songs. I don’t know if it will be “blank space” or “shake it off”. “Blank space” got like 46 million views on youtube. If I were technologically inclined, I would post the video on my blog, but I don’t know how to do it. I know people post youtube videos all the time, but I learned how. So if someone wants to leave me a comment on how, please do so!

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Missed Opportunity

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.

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Wet day

Had a long day today. Spent about 3 hours in the hospital with my father for his appointments. At one point I thought I lost him in his language because the front desk ordered an interpreter when we were almost done with the second appointment. But I didn’t. Sometimes when my father starts talking in his native tongue he loses his ability to speak English afterwards. I am guessing it is an age thing. I am fearful that eventually he will only speak his native tongue when he gets older and then we won’t be able to understand him. It will be really sad.

Because snow was “predicted”, I wore boots today. Big mistake. It never snowed and the boots caused my foot to swell. My ankle and foot hate me right now. I am in mega pain. But I think my pain meds have kicked in as I am feeling woozy. I really don’t know what else would be causing me to feel dizzy right now. I could be dehydrated as I only drank a little of Vitamin water and my 20 oz mocha this morning. I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom as I wore a diaper today. I am glad I did because I had a messy fart. I am so glad I wore them today as I had a feeling I was going to have an accident. I don’t know why if I am out of the house for more than 4 hours, my bladder and/or bowels act up. It drives me crazy.

After the appointments with my father, I went to Starbucks to wait for a friend for coffee. But he canceled on me because the weather is so yucky out. So I sat and wrote a little bit in my journal. Then I got antsy and got on the next bus. I had to get out of the boots and jeans I was in. I can’t stand being in jeans for a long time anymore. I don’t know if it is because they are tight on me now or if I just got used to wearing my PJs all the time, or what. I am so glad I don’t have to go out tomorrow.

I have listened to 1989 since I bought the album on the 13th. I haven’t listened to ANY other song except for those on this album. I am so addicted to Taylor’s album that I can’t stop. I even bought Jason Aldean’s new song “Burn it down” but have not listened to it on my phone. I just can’t stop listening to 1989. I have to know every song lyric by lyric. And now I find myself dancing to songs that I really like, which is at least 10 of the 13 songs. The only song I am having trouble learning the lyrics to is “This Love”. For some reason, it just isn’t clicking with me. If I am not playing 1989 on my phone, I am playing it on WMP. Yes, I transferred the files to my laptop. I am planning on making a CD for my niece but there is one song that I don’t think is appropriate for her. I will have to discuss it with her mother.

I guess I have been listening to 1989 non-stop because it makes me feel good listening to the music. If I am not playing the songs, I will be “singing” them in my head and I will have to hear the music. I have never been this addicted to music like I have this album.

Even though I crapped myself today, for the first time I didn’t get upset about it like I usually do. I guess because the diaper caught it I felt safer about it. I know that if I was wearing underwear I would be more upset because it happened while I was out and about. I still have trouble knowing if I am farting air or stool. It sucks when your senses are gone. So don’t take for granted of this sense!! Just like don’t for granted walking. People don’t realize how much goes into walking until you get cauda equina syndrome. And learning to walk again becomes an ordeal.

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#TS1989 Day 4

TS1989 day 4

This is the 4th day that I have been listening to 1989. I can’t stop listening to it. Every song is my favorite and I think I am starting to know the lyrics by now. “Clean” is moving up to be the top favorite

For the first time in forever, I slept more than 8 hours last night. I woke up at 0830. I never wake up at that time. It’s usually 0730 or earlier. But I bet because I have to get up early tomorrow, I have a crappy sleep tonight. I will try not to go to bed too early, but I took a nap after I had breakfast. Not a good idea. Right now I feel so sleepy, I could go back to sleep. I am just so sleepy today and I don’t know why.

I am looking forward to meeting up with a dear friend of mine tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that we can have a quick lunch before he has to go but if we just have coffee, that will be cool. We haven’t met up in so long because his schedule and my schedule have been conflicting. I still have to call his office and reschedule my eye appointment. I think I will have it done the week after Thanksgiving. But I get to hit Starbucks twice in one day so I am happy about that.

I took a short walk to Walgreens to pick up my meds and now my ankle is hurting me as if I walked 3 miles. I was doing so good pain wise and now it is back. I don’t get why I am hurting. I think the baclofen is helping decrease the pain some but it doesn’t take away all of the pain that I feel. I did stand more than 10 mins yesterday at the restaurant while waiting to be seated at our table. I was expecting to be in horrendous pain but I wasn’t. Now, the short walk set it off. And by short, I mean a block and a half. I did have to stand a little bit in the store but not too long. I was kind of disappointed that one of my medications was out of stock. I hope they are able to get it tomorrow. I will be in real trouble if they don’t carry it anymore. I will have to switch to another medication and I really don’t want that. I have been on this medication for years and I have found it works really well for my arthritis and back pain issues. My physiatrist wanted to switch me to a different NSAID when we first med but I deterred. We’ll see if my script gets filled this week or not. If it doesn’t, I will switch to a new medicine when I see my doc on Friday.

Game Rant: I completed three missions the other day. It took me months to complete so I was feeling proud of myself. Then Zynga squashed it by giving me 13 new missions! I was pissed. I still am because it is probably going to take till Easter to finish them all. But I a glad they are not repeatable. I hate repeatable missions because they just take so long. Right now I got one that is for mushroom soup. You need 15 but you need 4 soups with green beans to make 1. It totally pissed me off and you have to do this 4 times!! I don’t know why I keep playing this game. I used to find it fun, and sometimes I still do as it gives me something to do. But its laborious and if I was working, there would be no way I could do the missions. I would be stuck. I’m lucky that my new neighbors do help me out. I have like 250 neighbors but I think only 60 play regularly. My neighbors always talk about blocking people but I have no idea how to do that and I am not going to post on someone’s wall and say can you please block the game because you aren’t playing anymore. I kind of like having them around because I can gift them my excess things.

My cousin was supposed to buy my book yesterday but she never made it to my house. She had to work late. I am kind of nervous about her reading my book. I just hope she isn’t judgmental. It will really suck. Right now you can get my book for 99 cents on Kindle. Link is here

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Birthday Month Almost Over

Birthday Month Almost Over

Today was my middle sister’s birthday. We had a good dinner that put us all to sleep and then we had the party to attend, LOL. My sis had two sangrias and was gone. But I was happy for her. She got to enjoy herself on her day.

November is birthday month as there are a half dozen or so birthdays for my family members. My Godparents and sister are usually in the same week. The 1st has my cousin and three good friends. The 3rd is my baby sister. 11th, 13th, 15th godparents and my sister. 6th, 8th, 25th are my cousins. It’s a busy month!

I had minimal pain today but when I got home from the restaurant, my leg had muscle spasms so I had to take something for it. I am a little tired from it now. I just took my night meds, a little earlier than I usually take them but I don’t want to be up all night. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I somehow ended up on my back last night and when I woke up, it was hurting and I was stiff. It took forever for me to become limber again. I hate sleeping on my back for that reason. It takes me forever for the pain to stop and for me to move without pain. I usually sleep on my side so I don’t know how I ended up on my back. It drives me crazy.

I am really missing my pdoc. I don’t know when she is back in the office. I am sure she will let me know when as soon as she is able. I haven’t seen her since the end of September. And it looks like my PCP has pawned me off to his nurse practitioner. I am kind of glad but at the same time I am worried. What if she messes with the pill count or the way that I take my pain meds. I won’t be happy with her at all. I just need a refill. Not a change in script. But their new policy means you have to be seen in order to get the meds. So frustrating. And this particular RNP is a moron. She wanted me on 3 blood pressure meds. That wasn’t going to happen. I take enough meds, thank you. All she had to do was increase the newer one that I was on. To me, that was a no brainer. But she is an airhead. When she saw me for my BP check, she rattled on how it has been a while since I last saw her. I have never seen her in my life until that day.

My mood has been mediocre all day. I only got in a sad mood when I found out Nebraska lost their game. But then I got excited when I found out OSU’s QB broke a few records today. I feel bad that I missed it. I love their QB. He is going to be famous one day. I will be following him.

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Day 2 of TS

Day 2 of TS

I am on day 2 of listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t stop listening to it. The songs are so good. There isn’t a song I don’t like. And with the song/hit “Shake it off” I can’t stop moving when I am listening to it. I have to bob my head or just dance in my seat. I am really enjoying this album. It might become my favorite.

Last night, I got really depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but enough that made wonder if life was worth living. I don’t know what got me into the funk, probably the sun going down because it happened around that time and the mood got worse as the night wore on. I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours today. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 4. Tried to go back to sleep at 6 but couldn’t really get a good rest. I gave up around 10 as I got hungry. I finished off the rest of my Chinese food. Then my sister offered me peppers and sausages so I had some of that. I am planning on ordering a pizza later for dinner. With fries because I haven’t had them in a long time. My niece and I will devour them, I am sure. I still have to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. I think I will do that before I pick up the little one. She is still sick and I am weary of being around her because I really don’t want to get sick. I haven’t decided if I am going to get half cheese and half pepperoni or just get half pizza and then a steak and cheese. I am on the fence. Guess I will decide later. I am not hungry right now so I can’t say what I want.

My legs are hurting me for some reason today. Every time I stand on them, they feel like they are going to give out on me. Weird. So far they haven’t and I hope that continues. It will suck to fall.

I tried to write with my mood being dark last night but being tired interfered with good writing. I think I just wrote a page in my book because I was obsessing over 1989. I had to see if I got the digital booklet on my phone (I didn’t) so had to use the computer to download it. I got all the lyrics to the songs, which would save me a bunch of Google searches. In my search I found an article by Edwin Shneidman about commonalities on a good death. It is a really interesting article but for some reason I read the first paragraph and then I keep getting distracted. Since his death, I have been having trouble reading his stuff. I miss him. I wish we could have had a conversation about psychache and constriction and lethality. It would have been awesome to pick his brain. But my last conversation with him, he was cranky so I never bothered him again. Then he died a month later. I guess I am still devastated by his death. I knew it was coming as he was having major health problems. I just have to move on and be able to read his material. I know I won’t be sorry reading it as I always learn something from it, even if it is my second or third time reading it.

I am still waiting to hear back from my father’s doctor and my doctor. I am so annoyed I haven’t heard anything. I got to call my father soon and tell him he has an appointment on Monday and maybe that will settle his anxiety some. I will have to explain to him that he has to go to this appointment because it for his pre operation stuff. Without this, he cannot have surgery. He is scheduled for three weeks, though I am trying to move it up the best I can. I am hoping that when the doc sees him on Monday he can do something for my father.

I have not written anything today other than this blog. I am too tired to come up with something. I was hoping to come up with something last night as I had the itch to write but nothing came of it. I got sucked in TS world and that was it.

My mother is making cookies. I hope they are something good.

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Starbucks and Chinese food

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

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Ramblings 70

I didn’t go out today because I had babysitting duties for my sick niece. So I spent the day watching her. I tried to play my games but am getting bored with them. I always have to request stuff and it just gets redundant after a while. I know that if I didn’t get stuck babysitting, I would have gone out today and had a latte. I miss going to Starbucks and tomorrow I will get one dammit!

I didn’t do any writing today. My ankle has been bothering me on and off so I really wasn’t in the mood to write. Maybe later on tonight when I no longer am babysitting.

I no longer have the “favorite books of the year” logo on my Amazon site. It is kind of a bummer not seeing that. I knew it was too good to be true. But I sold a few books on Kindle. It feels good knowing this promotion is helping my sales. I have been promoting it primarily through Twitter, which then feeds into my Facebook page. I am probably annoying my friends about my book by now. But I want the book to be out there.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day, mostly in the sense that I want to sleep. I just can’t understand it. I have nothing to really be depressed about, though I am stressing over tomorrow’s dealings with my father. I have to deal with his drama and I don’t even know what that is going to entail tomorrow, but I’ll find out. I am just so sick of going to every medical appointment with him. I just hope it isn’t an all day affair with him. I really don’t want to be in the hospital all day. And I know I am going to be out for more than 4 hours, I am going to wear the new diapers that I bought just to be on the safe side of things. I hadn’t had any more bowel or bladder problems but I want to stay dry and if I do fart with friends, at least I won’t stain my underwear.

I know it’s not helping my blood pressure being stressed out over him. And I know I have gained a few more pounds as my pants are tight around the middle. Because I was babysitting, I forgot to call my doctor to schedule an appointment and my eye doctor to reschedule. I feel bad that I had to reschedule the appointment for my eye doc twice now but I didn’t look on the calendar when I made the appointment. It is nothing major with my eye, just my annual exam because I have noticed some vision changes.

I am hurting really bad today with all kind of pain in my butt. It is mostly nerve pain that I am feeling. But it is wicked aggravating because there is nothing that I can take for it. I just have to ride it out. Sitting is difficult. I am glad that I have a foam topper on my bed so that helps a little bit. Still feels like I am sitting on glass at times.

Had therapy today. Damn therapist still wants me to do this affirmation exercise. I told her to shut up about it and called her a few names today but she was undeterred. I don’t even think she registered me calling her names. But she shook the Bostonian in me when she started making fun of me when I said “AH” instead of “R”.

I have to renew my anti-virus software program soon. I am dreading it because it is so expensive. But I like to keep it up to date just in case I do get hit with a virus or spam or phish. I used to like it back when they didn’t automate and you could keep the software but it just wouldn’t update your system. Now they just stops working and you are unprotected. I found that out when I let my subscription expire. It was like the thing uninstalled itself because I didn’t renew. It sucked when I did renew because I forgot my password and email that I used when I signed up. I apparently had three accounts for the different laptops/computers I was using. I had to delete the other two and keep just the one, and to do that, I had to talk with a representative. It sucked.

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