It’s hailing

It’s Hailing

For the first time in my adult life, I have seen what hail looks like. It’s cool! It’s coming down in pebbles but it is turning to rain. I just beat the storm by about 10 minutes! I am glad the bus was early today. My foot is hurting but I think it’s because it is swollen. Once it has time to acclimate to being without my shoe, I think it will be fine. If not, I will take a pain med. Both feet are burning but I think that is because I had to go up and down the stairs multiple times to close windows in both my house and my sister’s. Just call me the Window Closer!

My mother said that we are having asparagus and eggs for dinner. I am surprised because we are running low on eggs. She is one to stock up on them but they haven’t been on sale in a long time. It kind of stinks because I do like having eggs in the morning. Or a boiled egg for supper.

I am still getting used to my new eyeglasses. They are stronger than my previous prescription so I think it’s going to take some time to get used to. I thought I would adjust quickly but that isn’t the case. I went to Starbucks today and wore them while I was writing in my journal. My eyes felt really tired after I wore them. So I have been wearing them in spurts until I get used to them.

Had therapy today. She read the “Hate” blog. She said it was the “perfect” transference paper that she ever read. I didn’t think that highly of it because it took so long to write. I must have worked on it for at least two hours, if not more, just to get it to 500 words. I had thrown in how my day was and the anxiety about my pain meds. You take that out and it’s less than 300 words. It is crap. But she never criticizes me. I wish she would sometimes. I re-read it and it was a well written article. I didn’t like the middle parts like I described but the whole of the article was good. What bothers me is that a friend had read it and just gave it a sad face. I have no idea what that means. I don’t know if she found the article sad, that she didn’t like it, or whatever else she thought of it. I hate when people do that. You are always left wondering what the hell is wrong with the article. We talked about the “going with the flow” part. She doesn’t want me to do this but I already am going with it so I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t get angry or feel hate on command. I just keep what I am feeling inside or express it on this blog. Otherwise I have no where else to put them. And if I don’t have a place to put my feelings, the more suicidal I become.

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Morning Blog 2

Morning Blog 2

I just woke up and had the itch to write. It’s thundering and lightening out so it is making it hard to go back to sleep. Just when I get nice and comfy, a big thunder rolls. Most unpleasant. If it is going to rain, I don’t think I will go out. This will be the fourth day that I have not left my room for more than a half hour at a time. I really would like to go out and get a caramel macchiato again. Hopefully this is just morning stuff and will end by the afternoon.

I reluctantly have therapy today. I wanted to cancel but she kept me in her book and by the time rolled around for me to actually send her a message I didn’t want to talk, it was too late. Damn 24 hour rule!! I might as well see if I could get out of Wednesday. I want to go to Starbucks early so I can have time to write without feeling pressured to hurry up and get the next bus home. I really want to make a cup of coffee at home but if I do, I know that I won’t go out for my java. I really don’t want to spend another day in the house. I am getting antsy.

Yesterday, while going through some old mail, I came across an old notepad. I brought it to my room so I could read it. It had a couple of suicide notes in it. I was surprised that I wrote a note to my psychiatrist. It was written in Nov of 2013. I must have really been in a rut because I don’t remember this time period. But then, given what I wrote in this notepad, it sounds pretty bad. I wrote and then like always, I don’t remember what I wrote. I get all the “bad” feelings out.

I just had breakfast, country style scrambled egg with cheese on toast. It’s the easiest thing I know how to make and it’s quick. I had extra cheese on it today because there was a slice left in the package and I didn’t want it to be alone. I love cheese. Only cheese I don’t like is Blue cheese. I like the blue cheese dressing but not the real blue cheese. I haven’t tried all cheese as my family isn’t that extravagant when it comes to cheese. I have had the opportunity to try goat cheese, Brie, and Gouda. I would buy them but I fear they would be moldy as I am not good at eating them every day and then when I do remember, a few weeks have gone by.

I am nervous about tonight’s ball game. They have a new rookie pitcher starting tonight against the Skankees. My fear is that he is going to be blown out of the water as he has trouble with walks. I will try and watch the game so I can see where the strike zone is. Different umps have different strike zones this year. Some have wide ones, tight ones, regular ones. It all depends on the umpire. But the thing is, they are consistent in their callings, usually, which annoys both batter and pitcher. I wish the young kid good luck. He is facing a tough line up and the Skanks always seem to score in the first inning. I hope that doesn’t happen tonight.

I don’t have a lot going on this week, as usual. Just therapy and dealing with my father with his meds. I also got to pick up my niece the same day I deal with my father. It’s going to be a long day. My pdoc is on vacation and I am glad because that means I don’t have to go into town.

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Random 548

I think I am a little hypomanic. I only had three hours of sleep last night despite taking 600 mg of Neurontin to help me sleep. I am wired but tired at the same time. I just walked to the post office to drop off some letters that I wrote to my therapist and my hip and ankle are having a tug of war as to who is going to hurt me more. I am not happy.

I keep thinking today is a holiday and it’s not. I called my physiatrist’s office and found out he is on fucking vacation so I can’t talk to him about how the new NSAID is working out. It is working out. I am finding that there is less pressure on my ankle than it was before. It’s still swollen but I think in time, the NSAID will help ease it, as long as I remember to take it every day. I just got to make sure that I eat something or I can’t take it.

Been getting reports that the MBTA, our public transportation system, has been having major problems today and then there was an accident in Sully Sq that caused the ramp on the major highway to be closed while it got cleared up. It was closed for at least two hours so I am sure traffic is a bitch. I can only imagine the trouble on the highway and the mess in Sully Sq. I tweeted the mess and then a news reporter wanted me to send photos. I am not going to take pictures of people, without their consent, and then send it to a news station! Plus, I wasn’t there. HEHEHE. I think the reporter was like, “no pic or it didn’t happen” bullshit. I also am not going out till this afternoon because the bus I need to take to the Square is severely delayed, which probably means that there is no service to where I want to go. So I am staying home, again. I might go back out and get pizza when the place opens. I don’t know if my hip and ankle are going to want to do it again. I don’t know why, but it felt like someone was grabbing my hip as I was walking down the street. It was very uncomfortable. I always have problems with my hip. I know I should probably go back to PT to get it strengthened. I think the muscles are weak because of my stupid back problems. It has been hurting me for some time now, almost 9 months. But usually if I continue to walk, the pain goes away. This time it didn’t and I am still hurting. I was walking with my cane because I needed extra support with my ankle. I didn’t want to put added pressure on it.

I would really love Red Baron’s single deep dish pizza right now. But I can’t go to the grocery store. I am going to do a big shopping at the end of the month when I get paid. Because I bought my glasses, I couldn’t do food shopping this month. It’s the sacrifices you got to make when you are on a limited budget.
I bought cookies yesterday, which I should not have done. I am eating them instead of meals. I will have like 8 cookies and call it my dinner or lunch. I am wicked bad with cookies. They are my nemesis and I am the cookie monster.

I woke up from a nap about an hour ago and found that my glasses have been delivered. I was just expecting one pair of glasses but got three. As I was about to check out, the next screen asked if I wanted single vision and distance lenses. I thought I had to order them separately with the multifocal lenses so I ordered them, not realizing they are separate. So I got three glasses but no instructions as to which pair was which. I had to call them and tell them I wanted to cancel my order. They told me that I could get 100% refund (store credit) or 50% on my credit card. I opted to return the two pairs that I didn’t need and get the 100% store credit. This way when I need new glasses, I have a credit and it will be easier to afford my glasses as I won’t be getting the LTD payments anymore.

I was going through some old mail when I came across a notepad. I took it to my room and found that it had suicide notes for my nieces and nephew and my psychiatrist. It had other suicide related items in it as well. I forgot that I wrote these things and judging by the other writings, I must have been in serious pain when I wrote this. It was in Nov. 2013. I had just finished an article about suicide attempters and their “longevity”. Turns out, they don’t live as long because they attempt again and succeed. I blogged about this and I guess this was my saving grace because I am still here.

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“Haylor”

“Haylor”

I have been trying to write for most of the day but I have been coming up empty. It all started while reading my blogs a few weeks ago and came across a blog entry about a psychotic episode. It happened the beginning of November 2012. I don’t remember it at all but I wrote about it, briefly. Like a few sentences each blog entry. I even tried to see if I wrote about it in my journal and came up with the same thing, nothing. Voldemort was my “best friend” and all conversation ended there. So I have been trying to fill in the blanks but I am not a bullshit artist. I wrote a few sentences more to make the paper 300 words. That was all that this episode amounted to. I really would love to expand this but I have nothing to go on. I even tried writing to my therapist about my difficulties hoping it would spark something and I would get something on paper, but alas, nothing. I just wrote the difficulty of writing and that was all. What I did learn through looking at my old journal was what set off the psychosis, which is interesting. I apparently misplaced my 8GB thumb drive and it was causing me considerable panic. In normal people, they would have a panic attack and that would be it. Not me. I became psychotic and apparently it took the form of Voldemort’s tweets to set me off. I wasn’t taking my anti-psychotic medicine at the time so I was more vulnerable. Losing this thumb drive was my life. Every suicide research article I ever read was on this drive as well as my papers on the subject. It would have been a huge loss and I was just sick with worry. But I did find the stupid thing. It was hidden under some papers and my “life” was saved. I made a few copies of it just so in case I misplaced it again, I would have it.

I did considerable research into trying to find out what the episode was about and if I wrote more about it. I still came up empty. Apparently Voldemort wrote a thing about Taylor Swift, calling her Haylor as she was dating a Harry at the time of the tweet. I have no idea what the last name of the Harry was. I am sure a Google search will probably yield it but I really don’t care. I tried looking back to his tweets from 2012 but they just went as far back as Jan 2013 and stopped there. I was so close to getting what I needed. He was active on his account but slowly tampered off. No wonder I was becoming so paranoid and thinking he was “tweeting me personally”. He would tweet several times a day. And now it’s every few days. Reading over the tweets weren’t triggering for me because I had no recollection of the psychotic episode. The only proof that I have of its existence is my blog and what little I wrote in my journal, which was only three sentences. For the days that I was psychotic, I didn’t write or blog. I probably was too incapacitated. If the psychosis had commanding voices/tones, I probably was too paranoid to put pen to paper for fear of being persecuted. And the last thing you want to do is piss off is a dark wizard. He might have been make believe to everyone, but for a few days, he was real to me.

The reason I was interested in finding the tweet about Taylor was because he “made me” listen to her songs after the tweet. It usually doesn’t take much for me to listen to Taylor because she is my favorite artist, but the thought that someone on Twitter made me listen was curious. Apparently he had tweeted something from her video “Story of Us”. The only thing I remember was Snape telling the students to turn to page 394, like it did in the Harry Potter book. Whether that was where “Haylor” came from (Harry + Taylor=Haylor), I am at a loss. I couldn’t find the tweet and I didn’t write more about it, which further piques my curiosity about this episode. I had written that my therapist was concerned about my losing reality so this was serious. Of course, any time I become psychotic my therapist panics. I have no idea if my pdoc was concerned because I didn’t write about that. I didn’t go into the hospital so I am guessing the medication helped and I didn’t need further assistance. I think finding the drive relieved some of the anxiety to help the medication work. And once it did, the delusions, paranoia, and voices were gone. He also was “talking to me”, though it was all mumbled according to what I wrote it. Usually voices are mumbled but I can “sense” what they mean.

The reason this is all fascinating to me is because I am such a Harry Potter fan. I have read each book at least three times and am currently read each on another time. I have seen all the movies, which were a little disappointment as they cut things from the book or added things that didn’t occur in the book. I also follow the Dark Lord on Twitter as well as Snape. Snape’s account is wicked funny. But for whatever reason, didn’t have the same psychotic hold on me as the Dark Lord’s. I think because Voldemort’s tweets were really commanding tweets than funny in nature. I am sure the tweets were meant in jest, but for whatever reason, I took them seriously, at the time. There was also a tweet saying to rob houses of Twilight freaks that saw the movie when it came out back then. I had written that I wanted to steal my sister’s sweets and Halloween candy as I knew she would be at the movie. That is probably funny now but it wasn’t then. In seriousness, I was in deep turmoil of acting on a tweet because I was “commanded” to. It was troubling me. I honestly have no clue why I wasn’t in the hospital. All the previous times that I ever had commanding voices, I was inpatient. I must have seriously have had the confidence of my psychiatrist that I wasn’t a harm to myself or others. But then, it was just a few short days and like I said, medication helped tremendously that I have no recollection of these events as they played out. I usually do remember my delusions because they last so long or I am really convinced things are happening as my mind is playing them out. Maybe because I didn’t land in the hospital I don’t remember these delusions and commanding voices/tweets. I wrote that Voldemort was “personally talking to me”, which I can only mean that his tweets were personal. But that is probably because I had his tweets sent to my mobile phone so it acted as a text message to me. In my delusional mind, it was meant for me, and me only.

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Sunday Blog 5

I woke up around 7 and my ankle/foot was still hurting me. I hate mornings when I wake up in pain because I never know how the day is going to progress. I took a couple of pain meds and tried to relax a little bit for them to work. When they didn’t knock me out, I decided to make coffee. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I know I want eggs, I just don’t know how I want them made. So many choices, scrambled, fried, sunny side up. I just don’t know. The coffee is ebbing away my hunger so I still have an hour or so to decide what I want to eat. That is if the pain meds don’t make me sleepy by then. I know I had coffee but that doesn’t mean I won’t go back to sleep.

I was supposed to go to my cousin’s house today as he is have a party. He has a nice house with a big yard and a pool. But I am not in the mood to be social today. I am kind of grumpy because I am in pain. And I am not sure being around my family is a good idea when I am in pain. It will be an all day affair and I don’t think I can handle it. Besides, pain meds and swimming don’t mix too well.

The game is a day game, again. It’s pretty weird that both games are day games for the weekend. I like it because my team does better during the day than night games for some reason. We have won three games in a row, so far. The final score for yesterday’s game was 11-7. A rookie hit his second homerun of the game. I am happy for him. He also scored 5 runs. The last Red Sox player to do that was in 2008 by Dustin Pedroia. Dustin is on the disabled list right now with a hamstring issue. I miss him playing. He is one of my favorite players. My not so favorite player is pitching today, Wade Miley. Like all starting pitchers this season, we don’t know how he is going to pitch until he starts. There has been no consistency among them. Clay Buccholz was the only pitcher that pitched with consistency, but he is on the DL with an elbow issue. I love Clay. He might not be the top pitchers in the league but he works hard, even when he stinks. There is just something about him that I like. I don’t know what that is.

I have started the third Harry Potter book yesterday while the game was being played. I was bored with the laptop so decided to read. The book is “Prisoner of Azkaban”. The thing that stinks about re-reading the book, is that you know what is going to happen next so there is no mystery. But I still get excited about the parts that are exciting. While I was reading “Chamber of Secrets”, I noticed that during the good parts I was skipping words to see what came next, even though I already knew. JK Rowling is just that good of a writer. Better than I will ever be.

Tomorrow, my glasses that I ordered are supposed to be delivered. The last message I got was that they were still in San Francisco, that is a long way from Boston. I hope they are close to being in Boston now. It is being sent through First Class mail so I am hoping they do arrive tomorrow. It will be great to see without having to rest my eyes because the single vision only does so much. These are my multifocal lenses and I know I will be able to read better with them. A friend of mine was telling me about an eyeglass place in Boston that sells them for $95, frames and all. I wish I heard about this place before I placed my order. I could have saved $130. I just hope these glasses fit okay. I have never bought glasses online before. I don’t know what to do if the frames need to be adjusted. Hope I can go to an eyeglass place and get them adjusted for nothing, even though I didn’t buy them at the place. It was a tough decision to buy online vs in store. But the cost of the lenses is what really made me go online.

It’s a little bit cooler today than it has been all week. I don’t know if my mother will be going to my cousin’s shindig or not. I am leaning towards not. Last night she made a huge bowl of mac and cheese. She said she would have it tomorrow so I am guessing that meant she wasn’t going to my cousin’s. So it will just be her and I at home today, again. I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks. My mother bought Chips Ahoy and Lorne Doone cookies and now I am craving them. I am a huge cookie monster. I can’t eat just one, especially the Lorne Doone cookies. Shortbread cookies are my favorite, next to chocolate chip. I was going to get the Mrs. Fields cookies but all they had was white chocolate. I am not a white chocolate fan.

I hope to do some writing today, but I am not going to force it. I have some ideas that I want to play with. I just hope it doesn’t trigger me into a psychosis while I am writing. That has been the main reason why I have been afraid to write this story that is in my head. I am afraid that if I write it, I will be persecuted for it or be watched by the FBI. I am still paranoid, a little bit and think that bad things will happen if I write it. But keeping it inside my head is hurting me. The voices have been kicking up again and I know it is a matter of time before my delusions start up again. I think if I write it out, I won’t be so delusional and might take the pressure off of me, somewhat.

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Saturday Blog 28

Saturday Blog 28

Listening to the ball game. We are currently leading 5-0. I don’t believe it. The way the season has gone, it is a miracle they are in the winning column right now. Usually it’s a reverse. Now the question becomes, can they hold on to the lead? Of course not!

I haven’t showered in a few days. I need to do so today. I think I will after I finish this blog. I have gone out today to get my prescriptions. I couldn’t pick get them yesterday because they were having electrical issues. A transformer blew on the main road in my town so the businesses were out of power. I meant to get some snacks but didn’t. Now I am too hot and tired to go back to the store. When I came home, my brother in law asked me to watch my niece. I did. He will be getting me half and half. I hope he gets the half gallon and not the quart like he did last time.

Finally finished “Chamber of Secrets”. It might have taken me about a week to do but I finished it. As I was reading it, I was keeping an ear out on the game. The starting pitcher gave up four runs. The Sox still have the lead, but barely. Bases are loaded with Sox now, with Bogey at the plate. Only one run scores though. The second run that tries to score is out at the plate. Sox up 7-4. Sox scored a couple of more runs. It’s now 9-6. I am so glad the manager of the Rays is someone other than Joe Maddon. I cannot stand Maddon. I prefer ARod over him, that is how much I can’t stand him. He plays dirty and I just don’t like him, though he thinks he plays fair. Now the idiot is the Cubs manager.

I have been thinking about starting another letter for my therapist to read. I really don’t feel like having therapy anymore. I don’t know if I need it. I forgot to discuss this with my psychiatrist yesterday. I just don’t think it is worth talking anymore. I haven’t been getting anything out of it other than frustration. We are coming up to our 15th year anniversary. I have never been with someone this long before. We know each other fairly well. For the most part, we don’t argue that much. Only time we argue is about my safety and my suicidality. Thing that gets me is that my therapist, I think, has an anxiety problem she refuses to acknowledge. She gets very nervous with me and it prevents “therapy” from happening.

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Random 685

I came home after I had my appointment with my pdoc. Before leaving, I went to say good-bye to my former coworker who is heading south. She will be leaving Boston and is such a good friend I had to say good-bye before she left. I also saw the lab manager. She is also a good friend of mine. We reminisced about our working days. But I think I stood too long as my ankle is very angry with me right now. It wasn’t hurting at the time or on the walk home. Soon as I was in the comfort of my home it flared up. I can’t win. This is why I can no longer work anywhere. Just a few minutes standing and I am in agony afterwards or later that night. It is very frustrating.

I talked to my pdoc about my writing and she said “You are writing again”. This was after I sent her a blog the other night. She gave me feedback on it, which I really appreciated. She really enjoys my writing, even if I think it’s crapola. I told her I wasn’t book writing and she just said, “take a break”. Stating the obvious, I know. She didn’t care what kind of writing I was doing, long as I sent her tidbits of it. I told her I was trying desperately to write a transference blog about my therapist but I just couldn’t hold on to the feelings. They were coming in spurts so I wrote in spurts. It was frustrating trying to blog yesterday. Then I got that article about counter-transference in my head and there went the blog. Just 300 words and that was it. I hate when I write short blogs. I sent it off to my therapist so she could read it, if it makes sense. I also told my pdoc that I get really down at night and it’s not funny. Past week I have been experiencing extremely low moods and agitation. Not a good mix when you are post suicidal. I told her every bottle seemed in danger of being taken as an outlet. I wouldn’t act on it. It’s just a rush of feelings I get at once and I want an escape, right now. I don’t do anything but ride the wave and perhaps take an Ativan to quell the agitation. I also told her the voices have been noisy lately as I have been talking to them more. I tend to talk more to them when I am agitated and annoyed. I was talking to them last night as I was laughing at Twitter and they wanted to know what I was laughing about. A conversation ensued. Thank goodness my mother is deaf or I would have some explaining to do! I wasn’t talking in my normal whisper, I was talking aloud, that was how wound up I was last night. The voices have been a part of my being since I was five. I don’t know how to live my life without them. They keep me ‘sane’. It is annoying sometimes as they are always watching me and commenting on what I am doing, or wanting to know what I am doing.

I didn’t wake up in pain this morning but I did wake up earlier than expected. I am tired now. I even had coffee today and I was in a good mood till I came home and my foot exploded. Being in chronic pain is exhausting. I just tried to go to the pharmacy but I bumped into my aunt and she said the lights are out. I will go tomorrow. I really wanted to have my prescription tonight but at least I have it. It came in the mail today.

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Hate

I have been stuck on transference of my therapist since I wrote my last blog. I don’t know why, but I just hate her and I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I want to end therapy. I know I get this way whenever she goes on vacation. The more she is away, the more I don’t want to go back to therapy. Then I feel guilty and try to get back the sessions I canceled. I go back and forth with this until I get settled back in. But this time it’s different. I really don’t want to go back or settle in therapy because I am feeling so much hate towards her. I don’t know where this hate is coming from. I don’t know if it is because she wants me still alive and I don’t want to be or because she went on vacation when I needed her the most. I know that sounds pathetic but it could be that I am hurt by her being gone and I just don’t know what to do but hate her. I don’t even want to talk about it, if only to spare her feelings.

I don’t like this hating my therapist. She technically didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t disrespect me. She didn’t break any boundaries. All she did was try and save my life. And I can’t help but hate her for it. I feel the same way towards my pdoc. I guess what is really hurting me is that I haven’t expressed this hate towards either of them. I just go with the flow. In my family, if you hate someone, you don’t have anything to do with them ever again. My father has done this to numerous family members. That is why he is alone.

I am very tired as I didn’t sleep well. I woke up around 4, in pain. I took something for it and then went to sleep for a couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0930 when I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to my father’s after I had my coffee. It was really good today. I don’t know what I did differently, but the flavors of the coffee were really full and rich. I need to get more half and half but it was too hot today to be lugging it in this heat. If I get a chance today, I will get my sister’s car and go to the grocery store. That is the last thing I need to buy. I bought my T-pass for the month so now I am broke. This sucks. But I should be getting my rebate from Sprint soon so that will be good.

What keeps ringing in my mind is an article I read a few years ago about counter-transference hate in relation to suicide. It was co-written by two Harvard University psychiatrists. To my knowledge, there has not been a paper about the patient’s experience of hate towards the therapist or psychiatrist and how it interferes with treatment. Way I feel right now, I just want to quit therapy, for good. I am just so damned pissed.

My pain medication prescription has not come by mail yet. I am almost out of my pain meds and it is creating anxiety for me. I only have the strong pain meds, but am reluctant to take them because 1) they aren’t for regular pain that I experience and 2) they constipate me really bad. I have to pick up my niece soon. I am hoping my therapist calls me because if she doesn’t, that will only make the hate worsen. Course, I do have the laziest mailman on the planet. We usually get the mail around 1 and lately we have been getting it after 1530. We literally never know when the mail is going to show up, if it is at all. This isn’t helping my anxiety around not having pain meds because I have to walk several blocks to pick up my niece. And it’s hotter than hell outside.

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Lost

Lost

Had therapy today. I am glad I don’t have therapy tomorrow. I am glad my therapist is back, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that since coming off my suicidal plan, I feel disconnected with her and I am angry with her because she is keeping me here, if only for her own needs. Least that is what it feels like. I feel lost and trapped in this world and I don’t know what to do in it anymore. I have been trying to write but nothing comes of it so I just blog. It gives me some sense of purpose because maybe it will help someone who is going through the same thing.

I have been following the chat on Twitter for the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network conference (TSPN15). They had a doctor on that has been dealing with suicidal thoughts for 60 years. He had his first breakdown in medical school and had to drop out. He started Suicide Anonymous and then was surprised by his own relapse. I know the struggle he is facing. I may not have 60 years of it, but I battle through each day as if it was my last, because it could be. I don’t live for tomorrow because tomorrow doesn’t exist. Neither does next week or next month or even next year. To take from my favorite poem, I just have this moment and that is all that matters to me. What I do with it cannot be undone. Sure, I am typing these words and in one keystroke, I can lose them forever, but I choose not to do that. Not today anyways. This is why I always use a word doc to write my blogs because I am afraid of losing what I write on the web app. I have lost too many precious words that way and I refuse to lose my future insights.

My therapist was on a roll. She was talking for at least thirty minutes. I was getting tired of listening to her so I asked if time was up. I usually do this when I get antsy and want the session to end. But no, we still had twenty long minutes to talk. I told her I don’t know if this is effective anymore, that maybe we are just wasting time talking as I just seem to be deeper in a pit than out of it. I always seem to bring in new ideas but they never seem to get anywhere. We will have a “transference” session and I think things will change but next session is always the same. It’s like she forgets what we talk about. I get exasperated and just go with it. I don’t think it’s worth arguing over. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly pisses me off but I can’t. I just feel so awful that I think I am just expecting her to feel awful, too, but she isn’t and I feel more alone. I know she can’t share my feelings because I don’t think she gets depressed. But if she did, I don’t think I would want to know because then I would be her helper and she wouldn’t be mine. She does notice when I discount myself. It drives her crazy as she said so today. I wrote her a huge pile of letters, which I called bullshit. But she hasn’t read them yet so is thinking they are wonderful. I just wish I felt something other than feeling low sometimes. I had a feeling of happiness a little bit today when I found out my “little” cousin had a baby boy yesterday. He came into the world a few weeks early! My “little” cousin is in his 30s. I remember when he was little, he always called the house for us to come down to his Nonna’s to play with him. He is a sweet kid. He has a good wife and I couldn’t be more proud.

The happiness has left just as quickly as it came. It is such a fleeting emotion. It never lasts long with me. I try to hold on to it as long as possible but it takes too much energy. It’s tiring to be something you’re not. So I am back to being my depressed self. Last night, my academic self was in heaven. I finally got access to past journal articles of Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. I got quite a few articles to read. Reading this stuff makes me a little happy because it could be the key to my own happiness and might just help me understand my moods a little better. I know that if I never found this journal or the works of Jobes, Shneidman, and Holden, I really don’t think I would be alive today. The works of Jobes allowed my therapist and I to explore the inner workings of my suicidality. Shneidman and Holden dealt with the pain and how to recognize the severity of it that could lead to a suicide attempt. I wish that was the case when I was thinking of taking my life on the 17th of July. The date is not significant to me. It is just a day I pulled out of a hat. I wanted to kill myself because I just couldn’t take living anymore. I had enough. I had the date picked at least two months before. This was to give me time to think things over and if I really wanted to kill myself on that day. Like previous times, I sometimes am hopeful on the day I wake up. But if I woke up in a rotten mood, I would have ended it. This time I did wake up in a rotten mood, but only because I was thwarted by going through with my thoughts. I had let my therapist and psychiatrist know of my plans. A dumb thing to do when you are suicidal. I don’t know why I tell them. Maybe it is because I am looking for hope that I just don’t have. There has been times when I have been suicidal outside of my “planned” dates. Those nights have been the hardest to get through. That doctor I was talking about earlier wrote a book about suicide addiction. And that is what it is. And addiction to suicide. You just can’t help but think about it. Though, I really think it has more to do with rumination than being addicted to suicidal thoughts. Because you are always thinking about your plan and ending your life, it leaves no room for thinking about anything else. You want it badly, yet you know there are people in your life that would be crushed if you died. It is always a guilt game that is played. The would be survivors that haul you in for another day of living a life you don’t want to live. And maybe that tomorrow won’t be so painful and depressing. You are always looking for that “high” of being relieved of the pressure on your chest. But it never comes and you just feel lost and alone.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

what is it like living post suicidal thoughts

I finally had therapy today as my therapist is back from her two week vacation. She had an ok time, despite being in Hawaii. I told her I won’t be book writing anymore. She wanted to talk about this as she really wants a second book out of me. I told her my muse was gone (meaning “Hyde”). I just haven’t been able to do any good writing since my mood has shifted and the muse is gone. I have to be in a dark place to write, or at least have the writing itch. Neither has occurred in the last few weeks. Since I didn’t go through with my suicide plan two weeks ago, I have been in this weird place of where do I belong. I feel absolutely nothing most days and the days that I do feel something, I am extremely sad. I have no physical symptoms of depression, like I usually do. My appetite is not affected as I have gained five pounds. My PCP is going to flip if I don’t lose it in the next few weeks. I do have loss of energy and just the feeling of hibernation, even though it’s summer. I slept most of the weekend. I would have slept today but I really wanted a caramel macchiato. I wrote at Starbucks for a little while. Nothing pertinent, just my thoughts of the moment. I feel so useless. I have no hope for the future but I don’t feel hopeless. I feel a little helplessness, like no one can help me out of this pit that I am in. It just stinks that I can’t write, only for this blog. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this blog. I probably be out of journals in no time. That happened before I started buying thicker volumes of journals, like 200 page counts. The 100 counts only got me within a half a year, at most. I don’t understand how I can write so much stuff on my blog and just nothing for the book writing. It is so annoying.

While perusing through my blog the other night, I came across a fictional story. It was a story I wrote about how someone was going to kill himself in a hotel bathroom. I remember writing it and sending it to my therapist, who knew it was not a fictional story. But that is all I remember. I don’t remember feeling the way I did when I wrote this story. I thought about including it in my book but then I would feel horrible if someone actually ended their life the way that I wrote it. I didn’t write specifics, I just said chemicals as a means of death, which could be anything. Everything is made up of chemicals. It’s just finding the ones that are lethal, which is not an easy thing to do, even with the internet. I must be so dumb not to find a quick poison, like hemlock in the days of old. But even if I did, there is no way I could get a hotel room. I don’t have credit cards anymore and I don’t think they accept debit cards. I refuse to kill myself in public, say the train station, and I certainly won’t do it in my room for my mother to find me. That will give her a heart attack on the spot. As you can see, I have put a lot of thought into this. If I had a vehicle, things might be different. I would be able to get to some cheap motel and do the deed there, where they accept cash as payment. Or who knows, maybe I will just leave town and travel to California to see my blogger friend and start a new life there. I doubt I would be able to stand the heat for too long, but they have beaches and she has a pool we can cool off in. I’d feel bad for leaving my mother, but I have always wanted to leave this state, if only for a little while. My heart will always be in Boston but it’s too constricting. I hate the city I live in because the subway is so far and I can no long walk there. It used to be my exercise to walk to and from the train station. But since my injury, I can’t walk that far anymore (approximately 1 mile). It makes me sad that I can’t walk to where I want to go. Even getting to local places, like the pizza shop on the main strip can be difficult and exhausting. And it’s only a few blocks from my house! No wonder I have gained weight. I wish my doc would have pity on me and just place me on a diet pill. I can lose the weight and not have to worry about gaining it back. I know that if I lost it, I wouldn’t be able to gain it back because I am so inactive. My weight has been stable the past year. I still have no idea how I gained those 5 pounds. I haven’t changed my eating habits, but I have been eating a lot more meat than I usually do, so maybe that is why. I am a carnivore!

My therapist was glad to see that I have the Harry Potter book collection. She knows how much I love to read. Years ago, I bought a Harry Potter journal set. I still have them somewhere in my room or in a bookcase. They are filled with my thoughts. They were filled quickly because they were only around 90 pages, not a big book but I enjoyed writing in them. Yesterday I started reading “Chamber of Secrets”. It has been so long since I last read it that I forgot some parts of the book that the movie left out.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments