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I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday, unless she is on vacation or something else interferes with our time. We talked mostly about my father, again. By mid session, I wanted to talk about something else but couldn’t think of anything so we talked more about him. It wasn’t an analytical discussion. Just about how draining he is to me and my welfare. She doesn’t know how I can tolerate him despite my hate for him. I guess he still has his hold on me because there would be hell to pay if I didn’t tolerate him.

We also talked about how back my back got last night and this morning. I really just wanted to die. The pain was excruciating and all I did was lie down! I woke up from my nap and I couldn’t move, the pain was so damn bad. But I had to take my night meds and when I got up, it was like someone had stabbed me in the back. My hip was on fire. There was nothing I could do for it. I had to stand to take my meds. What I would have given for a nurse to come bedside to hand me my meds last night. I was tortured the whole time I took the 10 or 12 pills I take. I was up most of the night in pain, and I swear, I woke up soon as the pain meds wore off, which was every four to five hours. I never called the doctor like I was supposed to. And tomorrow doesn’t look good for me to call him either because I have to deal with my dear old father for most of the morning. My therapist asked if I should see someone. I don’t know anymore. I see my doc on Monday, so will tell him what has been going on for the past several weeks and see what he thinks I should do. I know that I am NOT going to see two different PTs. I refuse to see one for my ankle and one for my back. I know I just need the “right” exercise to get a stretch out of my back and I will be fine.

I’m still fighting a cold as my nasal discharge has been running wild lately as well as having a damn cough. I know the cough is not doing me any favors with my back pain. I just feel really run down. I know part of it is because I haven’t been sleeping well most of the week. Monday I woke up at 0530 and didn’t go to bed until late. And last night I was up every few hours because I had to change position. It was so tough sleeping last night. And once I am up, I am pretty much up for a while. It takes me forever to get back to sleep. I finally gave up today when my app for my meds kept dinging for my morning pills. I guess it’s good that I have the app or I would forget to take my pills. Not so much for my night meds as I know I have to take my hormone pill or I am screwed. Missing that dose just screws up my reproductive system and I don’t really want my menses showing up this month. It has shown up every year at this time for the past three years. I would really love to skip this month. That would be the greatest birthday present mother nature could give me!

Today, someone who found my blog, wrote on one of my support groups, looking for information on my book. I gave her the UK link for Amazon.com. I had to google it because I didn’t know what the domain was. Anyway, she found me on Facebook and she bought my book. It is probably going to be my only sale for the month. Sales have been terrible this month, but then I haven’t been promoting my book like I did last month. It’s hard work tweeting all the time for the week that I had my Kindle version for 99 cents. If I knew how hard it was going to be to sell my book, I would have saved up some money to have it published with an agent or something. I thought that Amazon would help but if they do, I don’t see it. And it was by chance I saw that my book was named the Editor’s pick of the year. I am glad I took a photo of it because it’s no longer there on my Amazon page. From what I gather from some author groups on Facebook, it all depends on how many people like your author page on Amazon on which book Amazon promotes. Unfortunately, I am not that tech savvy to find out what that page is to have people like it. Even on the Author’s page link it doesn’t have anything on it. Probably because I have not put anything on it because I don’t know how. I think I found it once but don’t ask me how I did it. And if there is a like, it’s the only like because I liked my own page! It’s so frustrating. I am thinking of putting my book on the Nook and iBook some time in 2015 so that maybe I can have better sales. But the process is like Amazon’s Createspace. I would have to create profiles for those formats and there is no guarantee that it will sell better than my current profile.

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Random 737

I have my first scheduled post to publish at 1800 today. I decided to change the name and URL when I originally published it to include the word “suicide” so people can reference it. I still cannot find the article I got it from so I can properly cite it. I will try and find it, then edit the blog again.

Day went dreary. It was wicked cloudy today and tomorrow is supposed to rain all day. My friend in NM thought we are getting snow, but I haven’t heard anything. But then I haven’t been watching my weathermen tweets.

My legs feel really heavy today for some reason. The back of my legs hurt when I stand up from a seated position, especially when I get up from sitting on my bed for a few hours. I hope it’s just because they get tired of the position they are in and not something else. Dammit, just remembered I was supposed to call my physiatrist today but forgot, again. Why is it I always remember to do stuff after places get closed? I wish I had his email that would be easier.

Fucking found the damn appendix that had the damn “Crisis Response Plan”. I was right, it was the US Air Force that had the cards and I modified it to suit my needs. I am happy I found the source!! Now I can append it on the blog. I really thought I was going crazy when I couldn’t find the damn reference. I knew I got it somewhere. I didn’t come up with it myself. I’m not that smart! And when you have been as suicidal as I have been, you don’t think of what can benefit you. You just rely on your therapist to guide you through the crisis.

My father called me today. He wanted to know why I wasn’t coming over. I never said that I would come over today but I was supposed to call him. Oh well. He called me and I get to call him tomorrow and tell him he has another doctor’s appointment on Thursday. That is going to be fun. I get to spend another 2 hours at the hospital, more if the doc is late.

My high school crush sent me a FB message. She wanted me to know there was alternative treatment out there, like acupuncture and holistic stuff. Tell me something I don’t know. I didn’t respond but appreciated the gesture.

I got my appointment for PT next week. I really can’t wait this time around. I hope that the ultrasound works because trying to strengthen my ankle with the ankle exercises I was given certainly didn’t help. It made things worse. My back is still out of whack. The only relief I get is by sitting. Walking or standing for any length of time just hurts me. I just don’t understand it. I should be better by now, dammit. I think I need a massage.

I think I have caught my mother’s cold. My throat has been dry for most of the day. I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I always get sick. I can’t afford to be sick again. Coughing will kill my back and I might really hurt myself. I wish I didn’t have a damn time bomb in my back. I am so afraid of getting CES again, for the 3rd time because I still have bad, herniated discs in my lower spine.

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Suicide Crisis Response Plan

I tried finding the response plan online but all I found was emergency planning and a very LONG one that the Navy cooked up, most likely from the article I read about military suicide crisis training. I tried to find the article but I am unable to locate it in my files. I haven’t searched my thumb drive because I can’t locate that either. GGGRRRR so I hope I am not plagiarizing when I post this plan here on my blog:

Crisis response plan:
When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help you feel better for at least 30 mins (examples can include, trying to sleep, play internet games, brush hair 100 times, write in a journal, listen to music, etc)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: if thoughts continue, get specific and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call XXX @ 555-555-5555 or suicide hotline
Step 6: if I cannot reach above I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: if I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I go to the ER or call 911 (or whatever the local emergency line is for your country)
I have found having this in my journal useful when I have been hospitalized because it provides a plan of something that they need for discharge. I don’t always carry the paper with me but I do carry my journal.

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Morning Pain

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.

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Knack for Lyrics

Been listening to Garth Brooks for the past hour. I forgot how much I miss listening to his voice and my favorite songs.

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0330, fell back to sleep about an hour later only to wake up again a few hours in pain. Damn hip just doesn’t want to be slept on and if I sleep on my back it still hurts me. If I sleep on the opposite side, it still hurts so I can’t win.

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really can’t wait for PT in a week. I really want them to give me an exercise that will stretch this out so that I am in less pain. I know that the script was for my ankle but they should be able to do something for me for my hip. I can’t be hurting all the time. I think that if they refuse, I will just call my doc and get them to have a new order. If I need to be seen by a doc, that wouldn’t upset me either. I am just so damn tired of being in pain. The pain medicine is only doing so much for me.

I have been playing my stupid Facebook game most of the day. I was so damn disappointed when I got the wrong dog on a timed thingy. Now I need to start another one but need to stockpile one of the items. It takes some time and I am glad people are still working on this mission because I would be so screwed otherwise.

My blog passed 33,000 views yesterday. I am so glad people read my blog. So thank you for reading.

Can’t believe that my stupid birthday is in nine days. I really am not looking forward to it. Every year, I have been so suicidal that I just didn’t care about the day. This year has been different. I am not really depressed and I am definitely not suicidal. Usually, I have a depression that makes walking feel like I am in mud. I have been trying to document the change but it has been hard to pinpoint. I know my feelings have changed since my last hospitalization and Robin Williams’s suicide. I guess you can say that I am glad that his death occurred while I was hospitalized. I don’t think I would be here otherwise. I think going back on mirtazapine was the best thing I could do for myself. It has been more than three months being on it and I still have been stable. Usually, the effects of the drug last one month and then it stops working. But for some reason, this time around, it has benefitted me. Only thing I hate about it is the increased appetite. And the subsequent weight gain. But since I have adjusted, my weight has been stable the past month or so.

I wanted to go for a walk today but my ankle thought otherwise. I hate having pain dictate what I do or don’t do. It totally sucks. I need to try and save my spoons for tomorrow when I deal with my father again.

I think I found a new “old” song that fits my therapist and I. It’s Garth’s song “A friend in me”. I will write out the lyrics and send them to her. I got half a letter and a blog post written to her that I have been meaning to send out. She likes getting letters. I’m telling you she is a nuttier case than me. I don’t know why some lyrics jump out at me and others don’t. For instance, there are no lyrics on 1989 that jump out at me that would fit my therapist. Maybe “Bad Blood” would fit with the lyrics “now we got problems and I don’t think we can solve them”, but other than that, the rest of the song doesn’t fit. Yet I listen to Garth, and at least three songs jump out at me. I don’t get this knack that I have, I really don’t.

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Saturday Blog 15

Saturday Blog 15

I went over my father’s today to get his medication and fill his pill box for the week. For some reason he does not use the last S to take his pills. I don’t know why. Drives me nuts. But I didn’t stay too long as my sister came and got me. She dropped off some groceries.

I have been feeling okay today, despite my ankle giving me grief. I really didn’t think I was going to be able to go to my father’s because after I took a shower today, it flared up on me. Then the voices started acting up, telling me to take some pain meds. I think they wanted me to take more than what I wanted so I didn’t take anything. I gave the reason as dizziness and they seemed satisfied with that. The voices haven’t been demanding in quite some time. I think because I have been under so much stress with my father, they have found me again. It is always when I am vulnerable they come out.

For some reason, I read a comment that said I should be “real” in therapy. It was from that person that I wrote that I was the problem in therapy. I had to laugh at this because I don’t know how to be “fake”. This is who I am. I write the truth about how I feel and if that is too much for that person, there is the door. I don’t get how people can think they are better than another person in dealing with their problems. I am doing the best I can to keep going every day and not kill myself. I don’t want to say that I am living, because I hate that word. But that is the definition of what I am doing, despite dealing with chronic pain every day.

I got a message from a high school friend that read my book. He was appreciative that I wrote such a powerful book. I still don’t get what is so powerful about it. It is just my words on how I feel. He said the book helped him and that is all that really matters.

On the menu tonight is Nyquil served with my night time meds. I really don’t feel well. My mother has a chest cold and is hacking her brains out or trying to cough up a lung. I can’t decide which, but she is miserable. My sister lost her voice today so there are germs all around. I hope I don’t get sick again but my throat hurts and this cough left over from my cold of three weeks ago, still hasn’t gone away. So it’s going to be a Nyquil night, where hopefully I sleep all night. I also will be taking the abilify aka the pink pill to ward off the voices.

My ankle is being a brat right now so I just popped some pain pills. I really didn’t want to, but the throbbing is not helping my damn mood. I have been in pain consistently for three solid weeks with no break whatsoever. I am was tempted to call out the strong pain pills this morning when my hip was hurting but I decided not to. I am glad that once I started moving about, the hip pain went away.

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Ankle Chronicles 9

Ankle Chronicles 9

I went to my father’s today to get him straightened out with his meds and stuff. I forgot my sister had told me he was running low on some of his medication and I hope the doc calls it in today or my father is going to be without one of his heart medicines all weekend. Just lovely. If he wasn’t so damn frazzled on Wednesday, I might have remembered to look at his meds before leaving his house.

So before leaving his house, I told him to take his antibiotic at dinner time and then his night meds before bed. He said yes so I thought he understood what I was telling him. I couldn’t have been more wrong because for the past half hour he has been calling my phone and left me 4 fucking messages. My mother is not feeling well so I had to make her dinner. I wasn’t expecting any fucking calls so I left my phone in my room. He was so bullshit I wasn’t picking up the phone. I hate when he doesn’t fucking listen.

I spent four hours with him and my ankle didn’t like it one bit. By the time I walked to the bus stop, it was throbbing. I couldn’t understand why as I really was not standing for any lengths of time or walking great distances. My sister dropped me off to his place so I didn’t take the bus and the distance she dropped me off at was well within my walking distance. I just know that when I came home and took off my socks, I had a golf ball swelling and pain. I really don’t know what I did to cause this. It is driving me nuts that I barely did anything and it flares up. I sat the majority of the time I was at my father’s. But as usual, the pain is a damn mystery. I never will know what brings on the pain. My ankle can’t talk to me. It can only explode with pain and swell when it feels like it or when there is a reason and I just don’t know what that is. It is so damn frustrating.

I have reached my breaking point with my ankle and back pain. Between the two, I am going nuts. I can’t walk because of my ankle. I can’t stand too long because then I get spasms in my back. This has been going on for the past two weeks now. I was getting better with the back pain but something I did last Friday night while sleeping caused a flare up, again. I know that if I can just figure out how to stretch the area that hurts, it might feel better. This morning I tried just stretching my calf muscles because they are so damn tight. That didn’t work and just caused me more pain. I just feel like this pain is so limiting me and I don’t like it one bit.

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Doing Nothing Kind of Day

Doing nothing kind of day

Last night, my back pain returned. It was in competition with my ankle as to which body part was going to hurt more. Back won. This morning, I woke up with it and decided I was going to do nothing but try and stay in bed with muscle relaxers and pain meds. I wasn’t going to go over my father’s just so he could bitch and complain and be miserable. I’m done. My sister is done. He just better get used to things or he is going to alienate the only family he has. I just need to get back on my feet with my back and need a day to rest. So far resting hasn’t been working, though I can move my torso with less pain than I did last night.

I know I have writing to do. I have to type up the few pages that I wrote for my next book but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know once I start doing it, it will be ok but for right now, I am having to sit up and type for only short periods of time because my back is aching so much. I really wish that it would get better. I took a nap after breakfast and had a dream that I went to the doc for my pain because the pain was now in my buttock. I woke up with excruciating pain in my hip. In the dream he just poke me and my butt exploded in pain. It was horrible that the dream was kind of true. I was in extreme pain but not in my butt, in my hip.

I have been debating calling my therapist but it’s after 2 and I doubt she will have a time for me. She is usually booked on Thursdays. I just feel like I am going crazy with having to deal with my father and this extra pain. And all of it started with a sneeze a few weeks ago. I am not at the suicidal range yet because I know this pain is temporary. Muscles take a while to heal and I know that. It is just the depression mixed in with the pain that is driving me crazy. I hate not being able to move or sit at my laptop for a few hours at a time, playing my game or writing. I haven’t written in my journal for at least two weeks and I usually enjoy that. Now I think it is a hassle. Since I have been blogging regularly, I feel like the writing, the actual pen and paper kind, is superfluous. So I have decreased the writing until I get the writing bug. The writing bug is when I have to write or I literally become anxious and don’t know what to do with myself. It doesn’t matter if I am typing or writing just as long as I get the words out of my head, whatever they might be. I will also write a letter to my therapist, or if the writing goes on for days, many letters. I just get this urge to write and it all comes spilling out.

My friend is in Brazil for his humanitarian efforts in the Amazon. He is providing free eye care to those in need. He has learned Portuguese so he can converse with the Brazilians. From what he has told me, they are literally dirt poor. I feel bad but I am glad my friend is doing such important work. Only trouble is that I haven’t seen him since August when he visited me in the hospital. I miss him. I miss our conversations. Hope we are able to get together after the holidays.

Yesterday’s blog was a success. I was finally able to figure out how to put in a YouTube video. Now that I know how, beware that there might be more in my upcoming blogs!

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Lonely Tonight

Lonely Tonight

This is the latest song by Blake Shelton. I really love this song and it has been on repeat the last hour or so.

I had a frustrating day with my father. He is such a fucking moron but I don’t say anything for fear of getting smacked. He wants the drain in him gone and I don’t blame him but he is still producing fluid so it cannot come out. He just doesn’t get it and it is so exhausting trying to get him to understand.

I had therapy today. We talked a little bit about my father but mostly talked about how I was doing and what to do about possibly using a code word when I sense my therapist is tense. Theory is that if we incorporate this word, she knows to settle down and try to keep her feelings in check so I can talk about my suicidal feelings openly and freely. We also talked about how much stress my birthday is causing me. I really don’t want the day to come or just have it overlooked but it isn’t going to happen. My sisters have asked me what I want and I told them I don’t really want anything. I feel bad because I didn’t get them anything for their birthday so I feel they shouldn’t get me anything for mine. Just show up for my “party” and that is all. I don’t even want a party but if I don’t have one, my family will have a ‘surprise’ one and that is worse. My birthday is also the last day my therapist will be in the office before Christmas break. She won’t be back until the new year. That is approximately two weeks as school vacation is starts the week of my birthday and doesn’t end until the 5th of January.

I really hate this time of year because I end up doing nothing fun. I can’t shop because I don’t have extra money. I really want to find a job but because I am still on long term disability through my job, I can’t. If I didn’t owe them money, I would be back at my old job in a heart beat, just working part time. We also talked about the possibility of me working again but she worried that I would take on too much and get sick again. I know I could possibly work part-time at an office job but it would all depend on what my responsibilities were. I still will always have the no bending and lifting greater than 10 lbs because of my back injury. I also cannot be on my feet all day as that causes my back to be out of sorts, so my dream job of being a barista is out. I still might want to try it out, just to see how I would do.

When I came home from my father’s, I got really dizzy. I haven’t really eaten anything today and drank even less. So far, I think I have drunk just 24 oz of fluid. I am trying to suck down a bottle of powerade but it is going slowly as I just am not thirsty either. I think I am going to make pancakes for my dinner, or I might have a bowl of cereal. I just am not that hungry today for some reason. I didn’t have breakfast, just a cup of coffee and I didn’t have lunch. I had some steak at my father’s that was wicked salty. I don’t know if that caused the dizziness. Salt is a tricky thing. Too much can make you thirsty and sick and too little can have the same effect. But for someone with blood pressure issues, like me, you have to watch your salt intake.

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Long Day

I woke up around 0630 today in pain, again. This is getting so old. I haven’t taken a nap all day because I have been on Lesterwatch. It is coming down to Jon Lester signing with the Cubs or the Sox. And looks like there will be another day of anxiety because he can’t come to a decision today. I am so annoyed and frustrated. I want a decision and I want one NOW. But it’s not for me to make. I really would like Lester to be back in a Sox uniform come spring training. I miss him. But if he chooses to be in another uniform, I will be crushed, again.

I had a good session with my therapist today. We didn’t get anywhere with her anxiety problem but we are working on maybe using a code word when I sense she is getting tense to let her know. She really like my last blog post about how I handled the blog commenter. I didn’t know if I made sense as I was writing it while I was sleep deprived. Seems my best writing happens when I am in a sleep deprived state. Go figure. We also talked briefly about my father and his surgery. Then we talked about my pain levels. Told her my back is still out of commission. I just brushed my teeth and by the time I was done in the few minutes it took, while standing, my back spazzed big time. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am supposed to “babysit” my father tomorrow but I don’t know how that is going to go down. This sucks so bad. I can’t be living off Ativan. Maybe I should go to the docs and see what they have to say. Though I KNOW they are just going to just send me to physical therapy, as if that is the cure all for everything. I just have to wait till my appointment on the 22nd. I just hope I can last that long. I am really surprised my back has been out for so long. It has been three weeks now. And I was seeing some improvement until this weekend when I woke up with right hip pain.

The thing about my back pain is that it isn’t radiating down my legs or anything to indicate that it is more than a muscle pull. I know those take time to heal. I have been doing little PT exercises but they have been tough to do with the amount of pain I have been experiencing. In the morning, I can barely turn over to take some meds but once I do, I am fine. I just wish the spasms would stop.

Tomorrow, I have to deal with my father and I am not looking forward to it. But I have to because both my sisters have to work. I just hope that I don’t have to do his fucking laundry or cook him a meal. I just am not up for that. I definitely will be saying to laundry as I can’t be lifting anything with my back being the way it is.

My crazy cousin called me tonight. We chatted about things and about our stresses in life. He says he is doing ok and he sounds ok. I think he wanted to know the scoop about my father more than talk with me. We talked about how our mothers are driving us crazy, though to be fair, his mother is a piece of work. Very needy and attention seeking all the time, and always has to made first. I remember one time I wore a Red Sox hat that had 1937 on it for whatever year the hat design was. She thought I was wearing it to commemorate her birth year. Yeah right. I could care less. I can’t stand that woman and go out of my way to avoid her as much as possible. I don’t need her negativity in my life.

It was and is a really shitty day today so I didn’t go out, again, to get my prescription. Luckily, I am not completely out of it yet. I will be soon, if I don’t get off my ass. I think I will get it tomorrow after I finish with my father. I shouldn’t be there all day. I will just be spending a few hours with him. I will bring my book with me so I can read while he watches TV or lies down or does whatever suits him.

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