Deeply Disturbed

Deeply disturbed

I woke up early this morning and found that a teen in my state “encouraged” another teen to take his life. She is now being charged with manslaughter because he didn’t want to go through with it but she egged him on. I am disgusted and disturbed by this. What is more disturbing is that the story is trending! That is what brought it to my attention. In a town I never heard of, this happened. And to think that someone had to die to make the news. It is very sad. And what really pisses me off is that when there are suicide prevention efforts being rolled out, they don’t trend at all. Like Facebook, for example. They just implemented a new way to find out about a person’s status and get them help, if need be. I don’t know how it works, as I have not seen it. I am sure it must be done through the reporting feature on the status. Too bad Twitter doesn’t have this feature. I also argued on Twitter to use the hashtag suicide when giving out hotline numbers and such because you never know who will see them. Often times, people will retweet a number, but not the hashtag, and I feel it gets lost in the system so to speak. I once trolled the hashtag and found that not one person was helping these people who were desperately conveying their suicidal thoughts. I tried to help one that looked very dire but got no response back. And this was within minutes of posting the tweet. Sometimes, people won’t respond to strangers and I get that but putting a hashtag and then saying you are going to do something to harm yourself is just playing with fire. I wish Twitter some day has the reporting system.

Then I get word that the Duck Dynasty star get an award for his anti-gay remarks he made. WTF is this world coming to?? That to me is the most disgusting award you can ever have. Yes, the guy has a right to his opinion about gays. I will give him that, but to receive an award?? Come on! It just boggles my fricken mind. I really can’t wrap my head around this one.

I started working on a new short story today. I must have written three sentences before my mind went blank. But I started and that is the important thing. Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Starbucks to finish it. I hope I can get it to at least three pages. I am handwriting it so I really need six pages. It will be a bitch to type up but maybe I can use Dragon so I don’t have to type. I feel bad that I bought this fricken software and have not used it much since I first got it. It is kind of difficult to use because it doesn’t give you a book guide, you have to search on the computer what you need to tell the program to do. And sometimes, especially when you want to correct something, like “delete this word”, it will type it rather than delete it! It can be frustrating to say the least. That is why I don’t use it often. They say it gets better with use, but when I get frustrated, my accent comes out and the words with “r”s get fucked up. There are no “R”s in Boston as I like to say.

My damn father called, twice today. The first time was to see if I was coming over. I knew my other sister was coming over so I said no. The second was to tell me he was feeling dizzy. I grew concerned because he has so many health issues. Then I found out he took a pain pill and that was the cause of the dizziness. Damn fool. If he told me that, I would have just told him to lie back down until it left him. Sometimes I get dizzy with my pain meds and I know the only thing to do is to lie down. Now tomorrow I have to make an appointment with his doctor because of the reason he took his pain medication. I am not happy right now. I got really pissed off because I was having fun in a chat room when he called. After the phone call, I couldn’t calm down so I left the chat. My fun was gone in an instant. The first time all week I got to socialize with people who understand what I go through and it was crushed.

I never made it to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really wanted to get Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I must not have really wanted them that bad because I didn’t leave the house. Actually, I had planned on it but I had an anxiety attack with chest pain this afternoon. I didn’t want to tax myself going out as I didn’t know if I was going to get that fatigue feeling again or not. I planned on staying safe before things go really bad. I hate when I have chest pain with anxiety. It was really awful. But I was breathing normally and I wasn’t having any symptoms of a heart attack. My pulse was normal, well normal as can be with anxiety. I forgot to take my BP meds this morning so I took them when I realized I forgot. I had these chest pains before and knew Ativan would take it away. If the med didn’t work, then I would be worried, which would just make my anxiety worse.

It is snowing again. We are expected to receive another 3-6 inches, a dusting really compared with what we have had. If it snows more than that, we will break the previous record of snow fall in a season. Right now the record stands at 107 inches. Currently our snow fall is 101 inches. My writing partner and I have a running joke of shipping snow to her to New Mexico. I told her I would gladly ship it to her, no cost. I don’t know if it will still be snow by the time it got to her. It might be water. There is a guy, also in my state, that is selling the stuff from his back yard at $119 (USD)/box. Guess that is one way to get rid of it. Otherwise, it might not melt till June or July!

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Saturday Blog 17

I didn’t do anything today, which was the plan. I just wanted a day of doing nothing but relaxing. I should have shut my phone off but I didn’t. My father called asking when I will be over his house. I told him I wasn’t feeling good and that I wasn’t. He got into a tizzy. Oh well. I don’t care. I dealt with him nearly every day this week. I need to get away from him.

I did read some and slept some. I really didn’t even play my game that much. I just planted some crops and that was it. I didn’t request items and such like I usually do. I just am not into playing the game today. I feel burned out by it.

I just had my manwich and fries that my mother made. It was the only thing that I really had all day, other than the cereal I had for breakfast. I really haven’t been all that hungry the last few days. Another sign that I am depressed. I am not that worried because it’s not like I am underweight. I woke up with heartburn so I think that is why I really didn’t want to eat today. My mother went shopping and bought my favorite kind of donuts. I am trying to be good but I don’t think those donuts are going to last too long.

I wanted to make coffee today but didn’t. I just decided to sleep. Even now I am kind of tired but I think that is because of the pain meds that I had to take. My ankle flared up sometime after getting my mother’s groceries and making I don’t know how many trips up and down the stairs. She didn’t have that much stuff. She bought vegetables and meats. I don’t really like buying that stuff online because you never know what you are going to get. The last time I bought some raspberries, they weren’t too good. I decided not to buy them after that experience.

I finally took a shower this morning when I got up. I felt a little better afterwards. My ankle didn’t like it much but oh well. It’s not like I had anything to do today anyways so I can take my pain meds liberally. I feel so tired lately, like I am being weighed down. I know that is another sign of the depression. I was writing in my journal last night that I think I am in denial that I am depressed. I don’t know why I am in denial. Maybe I feel like if I don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.

I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my prescription for my migraine pills. That is the only place I am going to go. I am not going to my father’s. My sister is going so she can take care of his needs. I really don’t want to tax my ankle anymore. Being in pain is not fun. And I hate having to take my pain medication all the time. Yesterday I took four pills. Today I have already taken three. I think I am going to have to take some more by the end of the night. I hate having to take them because I hate being constipated. If I don’t take senna every day, I am screwed.

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fatigue day

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!

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When did I become an adult?

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??

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Musings and Voices

My therapist read my blog that I wrote last night. She said it was “brilliant” and conveyed a lot of information. She asked why was I thinking about this stuff now and I told her I have been reading a lot about therapy and stuff and wondered if it was still the right course to be on. She used the analogy of being on a boat and we both have been swinging the oars. I told her lately, I just feel like we are going around in circles. That is when she told me to pick up an oar. Knucklehead.

We are going to try and work in a few goals in the upcoming weeks so that I am not so isolated. We also talked about the voices and she has no clue why they have disappeared on me. They seem to come out when I am really tired and want to go to sleep. My day voices are no longer there, though one was briefly. I am hearing music in my head so I am hoping that is a good sign the voices are coming back. My reading “voice” is back so I can read without difficulty.

It is so weird not hearing the constant bickering of the voices all the time. My therapist also asked what will this be like if they don’t come back. I have been listening to these voices for over thirty years. I don’t want to think what my life will be like without them. I can’t. It will be suicidal to think that. I know they will show up again. I just may have to be off my meds for a little bit. I need to be my version of sane again. I just don’t feel like myself, at all.

It’s been hard trying to write the past few days. My thoughts seem slower to me. I also have no energy and feel tired all the time. I know part of it is being in chronic pain and suffering from depression. But I was able to get out yesterday so I am taking today as a rest day. I had some Chinese food that I have been craving. Unfortunately, it just made me bloated and sick to my stomach. I think I am also fighting a migraine as my head keeps pounding. I thought I took care of it this morning when I took a couple of ibuprofen. But I think the Chinese food just made matters worse. Soon as I can move without being nauseated, I will take my migraine pill. I just hope I have one left. I used up my last pill in the pack and I don’t know if I have another pack. I don’t get migraines that often so I don’t keep track of the pill count. I just called in a refill to my docs so it should be ready tomorrow, I hope. I really want to go to Starbucks tomorrow, if the weather cooperates.

I didn’t sleep well last night, which is another reason I am so tired today. It felt like I was up every hour, which I probably was. I finally gave up around 0700. I paid my bills for the month and ordered my groceries. I added a couple things. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have ordered over $100. But I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months so this replenishes what I desperately need. Only thing that sucks is that I won’t have my delivery until Friday. They had absolutely no slots open for today or tomorrow. I got $1 off my order for picking a time that was convenient. I would have picked the $2 off time but it was 7-10 at night and I wasn’t going to stay up that late for a grocery order. I love shopping online. No lines, no waiting, no standing around. Just click, click, click and you are done.

I still have two more books to wrap for my reviewers. It’s killing me when I have no motivation as well as no energy. But I have until Saturday when my royalties come in to send out the books. That is if I get up early to do it. I then will have to see my father to do his pills again.

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to therapy or not?

To therapy or not?

I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.

She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.

I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.

I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.

So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.

Posted in mood disorders, psychology, psychosis | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments



I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!

I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, psychosis | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Another fricken cold day

Another fricken cold day

It’s supposed to be a high of like 18 degrees all week, that is with the wind chill. Tomorrow is supposed to be less than that, and I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I also have to finagle my appointment with my therapist. I figure on going to Starbucks first, get my mocha, then go to the hospital where my appointment is at, and just sit in the lobby to have my phone session. That is the plan anyway, if the T cooperates. So far, there hasn’t been too much disruptions on the buses or the red line. I am hoping the same for tomorrow.

Appt with my damn father. Let’s just say it was quick and over with faster than any other appointment. The only thing that sucked was waiting for the hospital shuttle to the train station. But we managed.

I am really tired and cold. I want to nap but I am too restless to actually do so. I could take something to calm me down some but I really don’t want to sleep this early in the afternoon. I am waiting a callback from one of my father’s docs and I don’t want to miss it. The doc we saw today was supposed to call in a script but hasn’t done so yet. So I am just waiting a callback to see when it will be done.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day today. I really haven’t been wanting to be on the laptop today for some reason. I am taking a break from my game, temporarily, as I am just fed up with it. You request stuff and you don’t get it day in and day out just frustrates you.

Did I mention I was cold? My hands and feet feel like ice. I hate being cold. I don’t know where the heat is today. It usually is warm in my room when it’s cold like it is today. I have been in my room for at least 3 hours and have not heard the heat kick on. This just sucks. I so just want to get under the covers and get warm.

I was hoping my powerade would be on sale this week but no such luck. But it is cheaper than Gatorade. But I need groceries this week so doesn’t matter. I need my stuff and ordering online is convenient. I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs either, which is really nice. I do, however, have to lug the powerade to my room, which is a pain. I usually transfer it to the recyclable bags as they fit more than the plastic bags. And I can usually carry it in one haul.

My mood is kind of down. Been thinking about the stress of tomorrow and it’s wrecking havoc on me. If I wasn’t such an idiot, I would cancel my appointment for my therapist but it is too late now. She requires a 24 hr notice and I passed it. I should be ok, but ever since the T has been having trouble, I have been weary. But I don’t want to be sitting out in the freezing cold, waiting for a bus that has been canceled, and not be notified about it. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. I plan on getting on an early bus so to avoid a cancellation, and the weather is supposed to be clear, no fricken snow. Just bloody cold. If I had money for a cab, I would take one but I don’t have it.

The psychosis seems to have abated. I don’t feel stressed out like I was. But the bus situation tomorrow isn’t helping to make me feel easy. And the appointments are close together. I should have taken the earlier appointment and then I could have possibly be home for my therapist. But I chose the later time because I am an idiot. I should have called back to see if I could change it but I didn’t want to be a dumbass. Besides, I hate calling my doc’s office because no matter what time I call, I am on hold for at least five minutes before someone picks up. And that is if I am lucky. I hate being on hold!

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tired, tired, and still tired

Tired, tired, and still tired

I woke up early this morning, in pain. It was the first time in a while that I woke up with my ankle hurting me. It was about 0700 so I just took some pain medicine, answered an email, and then went back to sleep. I slept till the unheard of 1300! I couldn’t believe that I slept that late! I almost never do, not without waking up several times. I had breakfast/lunch. Then my mother told me my sister was making dinner. I had a couple of hours to play on my laptop before it was ready.

I had a quarter glass of wine with dinner. Now I am sleepy again. It wasn’t the best wine I have had but it did its job. I have been really wanting a glass of my sister’s Mark West wine but a bottle wasn’t open. I really like this wine. Maybe I will have it on another day.

I did nothing today except play my game. Ankle is still acting up on me so I really don’t want to tax it. Plus, I have been up and down the stairs a lot today so I know I am going to be in pain later tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to meet up with my father. I hope it isn’t going to be freezing cold. And the T runs like it is supposed to. We didn’t get too much snow last night, which was good. I think the storms are behind us but you never know.

I really am feeling dizzy from the wine and want to go back to sleep. But last night I did that and it wrecked havoc on my sleep. Even though I was able to sleep till 0700 before my pain shot up, I had about 6 hours of sleep. That is usually my normal. I guess my pain meds just added a few more hours when I went back to sleep. I would take another pain pill now but I am not sure that is a good idea with the wine I had. Maybe in an hour or so.

When I came into my sister’s apartment, my mother and her were talking about me. All I heard my sister say was “maybe she is in a depression”. They abruptly stopped their conversation when I got closer. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? If I did tell them I was depressed, they would ask why, like there is a reason for it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t.

Well, looks like the Twitter feed is going to be all about the Oscars tonight. I won’t have to worry about commanding tweets, least not for tonight. I won’t be watching as I don’t watch awards shows. Only award shows I will watch will be country music. But lately, I haven’t even been watching that. I had saved them when Taylor was winning and then when the awards became Miranda Lambert awards, I stopped watching. I would watch the performances but as for the awards, I would just fast forward them. I can’t stand Miranda. She is such a bitch. I’ve hated her since Blake Shelton married her. What he sees in her, I will never know. I don’t even find her attractive.

I am going to try and wrap one more book today. Then maybe read a little bit. I don’t know if it will be Jamison or the civil war book. I just hope I can stay awake long enough to just take my meds and then go to sleep. I am just so damn tired.

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Fricken cold today

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment