Random 347

I did a lot of walking today, more than what I normally do. I am hurting, a little bit, but it was worth it. I have to keep on trying to stretch my limits so I can hopefully get back to work sometime this year. I was really tired today but I forced myself to get up and go. I got my glasses and because the glasses were more than the sunglasses, I got the sunglasses free! I only paid for one pair. That is half of what I need. I also need to get the multifocal glasses, which I probably will get online, now that I have the pupillary distance that is needed. I also got a haircut today. It was done by the same guy but he gave me a different cut! This cut will last me a while, though not as long as if he cut it closer like the last time.

I didn’t know what to have for lunch so went to my favorite pizza place and had a slice. Even though I went to Starbucks today, though I didn’t stay to write or even have something to eat. I really wanted to get the glasses out of the way and then go home. I stood way too long trying to find a pair of glasses that I liked. I found a frame that was on sale and got that. The sunglasses selection was not that great. They must have had a few dozen to choose from, none of which really stood out for me.

I am not that pleased that my legs are killing me right now. Other than walking every day, I don’t know what else to do to increase my endurance. It really sucks that I can walk half a block and then my calves cramp up. I have to try and be more active. It’s the only way that I am going to increase my stamina. I think it might also help my mood. But I don’t want to suffer at night with big time pain. That is one thing I don’t need! Because even though I am feeling proud of myself for walking the distances I did today, if I am hurting later it will be for not. I will be really upset with myself. I have to conserve my energy for Monday when I go to the museum with my friend. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow. Sunday is my niece’s birthday party. I suppose I will show up for food and snacks, then make a get away.

Took a shower to get the loose hair off of me. It was really hot because my mother had just finished washing clothes. Felt really good though. Now I can go to sleep, hopefully. I was going to make a steak dinner but I don’t think I will. I am too tired to cook. If I get hungry later, maybe I will. I still haven’t made my fish and chips. I probably will make that sometime this weekend.

In a week, I will have new glasses. I hope that I see better. It’s getting tough to read the Idiot because the print is straining my eyesight. I have been reading a chapter at a time to get through the thick book. It is one of my favorites of Dostoevsky’s books. I am glad that I took that Russian class. I have always been fascinated by Russia, the old, not so much the new. The new Russia has been broken up into so many pieces that I don’t know it anymore. Hell, I don’t even know the European geography anymore as so many countries have formed. I would have to take a class to know it all again.

And just like that, my ankle is throbbing. Is it too early to go to bed at 1800? I really don’t care if I wake up later. I just don’t want to deal with this pain today. But I know that I taxed it a little bit more today than any other day. I really hope this doesn’t cause a flare up. My friend has timed tickets to the event we are going to on Monday. It will really suck if I can’t make it because of my bum ankle. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I just took a couple of pain pills to head off more pain. I really don’t want this to turn into a flare up. Only thing I have to do tomorrow is go to the pharmacy to fill my pain med prescription. But I can do that on Sunday, if I want to just chill tomorrow.

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Cranky Day

Cranky day

I didn’t sleep last night, not well anyways. I went to bed around 0100 and then woke up around 0400, went back to sleep, and then woke up when my alarm went off at 0630. I had to be up early for the grocery delivery. Luckily, my time was the first so I quickly put everything away, had some breakfast, and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I wish it was restful sleep but it wasn’t. I woke up more tired than awake. I hate losing sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world when you can’t sleep. Then I had therapy. I am glad I don’t have a gun because I probably would have used it on myself today. I just did not want to hear her talk and talk and talk. I brought up the blog and she wanted me to read it to her. That wasn’t happening. I was not in the mood to read. Then she said that seeing my psychiatrist should be a goal I should look forward to. She has lost her mind. Why the hell would seeing my psychiatrist be a goal?? It doesn’t make any sense and I was too tired to argue with her so let it go.

We also talked about my incontinence. It really made me want to die last night. And then today, I peed myself again. I am not liking my bladder these days. Monday I am supposed to meet with a friend and go to a museum. I will be wearing diapers because I really don’t want to be wet while walking around a museum. At 39, I am wearing diapers. Just shoot me now.

I went to see my father, who called twice during therapy. I didn’t answer because my therapist is more important than he is. He can wait. So after therapy, I go to his house. He isn’t fucking there. I call the house and no answer. I am bullshit. I really didn’t want to go to his house in the state that I am in anyways and he isn’t there? WTF!! So I leave. I go to a donut place and get some donuts while waiting for the bus that never came so I decide to take the train home. Wouldn’t you know, I get to my stop and my father calls wondering where I am. UGH. I go to the other side of the tracks and go back to his house and fill his pill box. I then try and scramble out of there but he wants me to call his doctor’s office. For what, I have no fucking clue. He doesn’t know why. He can’t explain it. Just that he wants ME to call. So I call and the secretary tells me they will send the paperwork to his doctor. I tell my father that and he isn’t satisfied. I think he wanted me to go to his eye doctor’s office and find out what he needed. The hell to the no I was not doing that nor did I offer. I just wanted to be on the bus home so I could sleep.

Except I couldn’t sleep. I took my cousin out for dinner. I was craving roast beef and onion rings and didn’t want to eat by myself so took my cousin with me. Now I am home, in pajamas, writing this blog post. I was kind of short with my cousin, who likes to bust balls. I didn’t care. He kept asking if I had any “dishes”, meaning women. How the hell am I supposed to meet someone when I hardly leave the house. And the second place, I am NOT looking for a relationship. That was how it went the entire time we were out. I should have went by myself.

I have a week left to play my game. Then it ends. I am going to miss it. I keep playing just to pass time. I am not going to listen to the baseball game tonight. I am too tired. I am going to take my meds early and then call it a night. I am not going to play my game like I did last night. I just don’t have the energy. I just hope I sleep tonight till tomorrow morning and not until midnight. There will be hell to pay if I wake up around midnight.

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can’t sleep 2

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.

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Good Day Turned Bad 2

Good day turned bad

Warning, might be triggering or gross

I am still trying to be positive as today was a good day but on the way home, I leaked more than I have in the past, got bladder spasms while peeing, and my ankle has decided to throb with severe intensity. It’s very difficult to not slink down into a bad mood when the nerve condition you sometimes forget you have, slaps you in the face as a reminder your nerves are fucked. One of the people in my support group saw a neurosurgeon who “blew her off” when she asked him repeatedly what to do about the CES. He told her that once you get a stroke, you still have a stroke. That is the best way to put it. She got offended and it kind of pissed me off because he was right. I don’t know why she got mad because he was telling her the truth. Whatever you recovered in the first two years is what you are going to recover. Anything more than that after a two year anniversary is a bonus. If I didn’t get CES the second time, I think I would have been ok and not have the bladder problems I have currently or the ankle problem or the bowel problem. I think I am getting sensation in my rectum again and that is why it is hurting when I poop, even if the stool is soft. But my having bladder spasms is unusual as I wasn’t that full. I had emptied my bladder while at the doctor’s office. I didn’t have spasms then and I didn’t drink that much water on the way home. I might have had four ounces total. I just don’t get it. I know I should have a urodynamic test done but I am too scared to go on my own. And I don’t have a good friend to go with me because they are all male. I could ask my sister to come but that will open up a lot of questions and I really don’t want to answer them.

If you are just tuning in and wondering what the hell CES is, it is Cauda Equina Syndrome. It occurs when you have trauma to the horsetail part of the nerves from your back. You can Google it if you want more information or go to http://www.caudaequina.org.

My doctor’s appointment went well. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was suicidal. Course I don’t feel that way today, which is why I answered no. As I was making the follow up appointments for my pain management, I realized that today would be the last day I see him, unless this bladder thing turns into an infection. He didn’t go off about my weight as I was down two pounds since the last appointment. I hope I can keep that up. But why bother, if I am just going to die in a few months time. My therapist still thinks that I am going to pull out of this. She said that I don’t know how many times yesterday. But I really don’t see the point as I can’t struggle anymore with this stuff. I am tired of fighting all the time. It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, to change my underwear constantly, to shower because I pooped myself. It just isn’t the way I want to live. And no one understand that more than a fellow CES sufferer. I would get support through the group but they have been annoying me lately, least the one on Facebook is. Facebook has been really annoying me lately. I think after my game ends at the end of the month, I am going Facebook free for a while and just be on Twitter. I have no idea what my Facebook feed is going to look like without my game requests. If it’s anything like my mobile feed, it’s going to get old very quickly.

I didn’t have therapy today. I kind of wish I did. Though at this point, it’s just checking in, least that what it feels like. I still don’t get the point in talking to her. I know we are never going to go over the blog that I wrote about the reasons for dying. She just doesn’t inquire, though she will ask about other assessments. I think her anxiety of losing me is just getting in the way of talking about how I really feel. Lately, I have been telling her but feel like it’s going in one ear and out the other. Hopefully, tomorrow we will “talk”.

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Difficult Day

Difficult day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Pain kept me up till almost 0300. I then slept for a few hours and then it was every hour I was up. I really wanted to sleep after my therapy session today but I had to babysit my niece. The pain last night was horrible. I couldn’t move my leg or ankle without severe pain. Every time I got comfortable, the pain spiked, forcing me to move to an uncomfortable position. Then spike again after I had settled down a little bit. I never had such attacks before. It was very weird. But because I had taken my pain pills around midnight, I couldn’t take anymore at least until after 0400. I was exhausted so I just took an Ativan to help me sleep and calm me down as the pain was so anxiety provoking.

I really don’t remember much about what we talked about in therapy. I think we talked in circles without really going any place. I told her about Marsha Linehan’s story, or the pieces I was getting from the Twitter feed that day. I guess she didn’t read my blog about it, just the blog I wrote detailing my reasons for suicide. We didn’t talk about that blog at all. I was shocked that she found the time to watch Jobes’s video that I sent her. I didn’t think her phone was going to be able to play it because it is older than my phone. She has had the same phone for more than six years now. I don’t know how it still is able to play YouTube videos. The important thing is that she was able to see how CAMS works for Jobes and in clinicians working with suicidal patients. He addressed the important key factors of his engagement. He, so far, has been lucky that none of his patients have killed themselves. I think that is incredibly lucky to work with an at risk population and not have someone die in the thirty years he has been practicing. My therapist liked what he was talking about “drivers” (aka reasons for suicide). I am glad I watched the video too, or I would be clueless as to what she was talking about. Course, Jobes is my idol so why wouldn’t I watch a video with him in it? I am sort of his professional stalker. I look out for anything he has written and take it as the word. I hope one day I can be a successful therapist like him.

My therapist also talked a lot about how I am the exception and not the rule today. It was making me roll my eyes. She has told me this about a million times. And every time she tells me this, I take it as a challenge to prove her wrong. I don’t know if that is one of the reasons that “drive” me to suicide. I figure I am supposed to be dead anyway with all the stats against me. Yet, I am still here. And it pisses me off because I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep and have ongoing nights of pain and misery. I know tonight I run the risk of having yet another night of pain because I was going up and down the stairs today most of the day. My sister made some food that I liked and I had to babysit, twice. Already my ankle is throbbing. I would take some pain meds but I know in an hour or two I will be saying goodnight. Least I hope I will. Last night, the pain meds didn’t tell me good night until almost 0300. I really thought I was going to have an all nighter. I just could not sleep.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my PCP. I hope it goes well or I will be in bad shape mentally. I know he is going to give me a lecture about my weight. I wish he wouldn’t because I already feel bad about it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to my therapist about it today. We were all talking around the elephant in the room (suicide). We also talked about my Twitter buddy Jay and how I think she knows him. I sent her a pic of him and his name. It will be really funny if they had worked together at the same place.

Other than feeling really tired, I am fed up that I have been in pain for almost a week now. I haven’t left my house since Thursday when I saw my father. Tomorrow, I will have to go out to see my doc. I canceled my therapy appointment so I wouldn’t have to finagle the bagel trying to find a spot for me to talk with her for an hour. I like talking with her in the comfort of my room. So she conned me into talking on Thursday.

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Marathon Monday

Baseball played six innings before the rain came down hard, delaying the game. It’s supposed to rain heavier as time goes on so it might be called, with my boys winning. But they have to wait a half hour before they can officially call it.

Today, I have been really emotional. Anything that has to do with the bombings, I cry. If there something momentous, I cry. I am taking a chance listening to country music right now as the flood gates might start up and I just won’t stop. I don’t know why I get like this sometimes. I don’t think I will be following Twitter today. Facebook just has my game feed so there will be no emotions there. I won’t go on the FB app on my phone because that gives me more updates and I just don’t want to cry.

I was having a nice dream when my mother called me. The back door was open and she wondered if someone had come through the house. I didn’t hear anything, but yet I was sleeping. She was panicked which woke me up out of my haze. I don’t know who opened the doors. It could have been the wind but my mother said she locked the door, so I don’t know. Nothing appears to be missing or wrecked.

Other than being emotional, I am really tired. I just feel like a lump on a log. I took a shower hoping it would energize me or something and it made me feel worse. I feel like I can take another nap. I could make coffee but that hasn’t been proven to keep me awake when I want to be. I just made a cup of tea to try and keep me up. I haven’t eaten lunch yet, though it’s three in the afternoon. Baseball game is still having a rain delay. It hasn’t been called, yet. They keep expecting it every fifteen minutes. I can’t stand to watch the TV or listen to the radio as the delay is going on. It has been an hour delay so they should be calling it soon.

I haven’t sold any books so far this month. It always depresses me until I get that first sale. But I haven’t been promoting my book too much. It’s hard to keep it fresh. There are only so many ways to say that my book is about suicide and how I got through it. And with Twitter, you can’t use the same tweet twice. That makes it more difficult!

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Sunday 19-Apr-15

Sunday 19-4-15

I watched the baseball game this afternoon and missed chat. It was a good chat apparently. I am sorry I missed it. Instead, I watch my home team lose to the Orioles. It would have been a good trade off. Tomorrow’s game will be in the morning. I hope I get up early enough to watch it.

Tomorrow will mark two years since the Boston Marathon bombings that killed four people. I still don’t understand why they had to kill the MIT police officer. He wasn’t doing anything to cause them harm. They just went right up to him and shot him to death. That death haunts me more than the three that were killed in the bombings. Course all the deaths were meaningless. What did it prove, exactly? Now the guy will spend the rest of his life in prison, hopefully without parole.

Tomorrow is also the marathon so there is heightened security all along the route and especially at the finish line. There are going to be thousands of people running and spectating. I am not going anywhere near the city. I will watch the game and then probably just play my games.

I had a fight with my phone last night and today. After closing an app last night, the screen blanked out and nothing happened. Then I kept on hitting the power bar to get it to turn on and nothing happened. Today, I was trying to call my mother and the contacts kept crashing. This is after a restart. I think I am going to finagle getting a new phone this week. If it can’t make phone calls, what is the use of the phone?? I know I use it more for the apps and stuff, but seriously, I do need it for calling people. It is my lifeline.

My sister gave me a neat gift card for some vegetable delivery service. Turns out it is a meal delivery. They send you the ingredients and recipe for the meal you want to make. It sounds pretty good but if they are offering a $40 gift card to start, I wonder how much one meal can cost! I will look into it later and see if it is easy. Maybe if I can afford it, I don’t always have to worry about what my mother makes and can actually cook for my mother for once.

My mood has been good today, despite my boys losing. I threw out my back today while sneezing. This is the second time in about six months this has happened. I am not wishing I did something to warrant my back going out, but sneezing is an automatic impulse. You can’t stop a sneeze and if you try, you get hurt. I wasn’t stopping the sneeze, but I had my legs crossed and slightly leaned forward. That was all it took to aggravate my sciatic nerve. I am having pain go right down my right leg. I hope I didn’t do anything more than that. I just took some pain meds to ease it up and tonight I will take an extra Ativan to help relax the muscles a bit. Thing is, I know my right hip/back is weak. Has been since my surgery 14 years ago. I never regained strength and when I sneezed back in November, I tossed it out again. I was really hurting and never really recovered. I hope this episode quiets down before my appointment on Wednesday with my PCP. I really don’t want to go back to PT for this problem if I don’t have to. If I do, I rather go to the PT place down the street from me. It will be less of a hassle than going into Boston. But we’ll see how it goes.

Yesterday, I got my first issue of Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal for the year. Since I am a member of the American Association of Suicidology, I get the issue free, which is probably why the cost of membership is so much. There is an interesting article on Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI) that I am going to read when I am up for it. There is also an article on Interpersonal therapy with adolescents. I am glad to be reading academic articles again! I am a nerd!

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In a writing mood

In a writing mood

I had my coffee soon after I woke up and now I got the “writing bug”. I have been reading my old blogs from two years ago. The sentiments are the same. I go to Starbucks, have coffee, and then talk about how I am going to end my life because I just can’t stand it anymore. Funny, it’s two years later and I am still here also talking about the same shit. I guess the saying, “same shit, different day” applies.

I am trying to be hopeful but it is very difficult. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her why I should continue living. Point blank. No beating behind the bushes. I have been in a pain flare up the last two days and it has shaken me to my core. I really don’t know why I am still here. Fear perhaps, that I will again fail to execute my intentions. Fail to actually succeed in ending my life. And this fear somehow keeps me from going through with my half-assed plans.

In one of the blogs I was reading, I was saying how I was going to go take a summer college course. I never did. The money ran out before I could take it. I had a wedding to attend that year and also had to finish paying off the debt I owed the college. That didn’t leave me with much left over. Now that I am getting my LTD payments again, though not in the amount it once was, I can maybe get new glasses. Thing is I have to get two pairs, one a single vision and the other bifocal. If there is anything left over, I would like to get prescription sunglasses. This will beat having to figure out a slip on kind. I don’t know. Either way I need to see as the pairs that I am wearing are out of date and are causing me problems. Even word I have to have it on 150 enlargement to see what I am writing. And that is with my glasses!

I also want to get a new cell phone as mine is slowly shitting the bed. Last night, I couldn’t get it to turn on. I don’t know how many times I was hitting the power button to get it to turn on, unsuccessfully. And now, every other call I get “contacts not responding” message. The phone is almost three years old, same as my glasses. Guess you can say, it is a dinosaur. But I will continue to use it until I know I can afford an upgrade. But my glasses must come first.

I was finally able to take a shower today. The pain in my foot has gone down enough that I could stand for a few minutes to shower. It’s a cool day so I didn’t put the heater on in the bathroom. I wish I did, because when I got out of the shower, I was freezing! My feet were especially cold so when I went back up to my room, I immediately put on socks to prevent cramping. My pain increased slightly, but not enough to warrant taking a pain pill. I see my PCP this week to get my monthly refill. He is not going to be happy with my weight as I have not lost any since I saw him last. I fucking hope he doesn’t bring it up because I will be flip with him. Losing weight is on the bottom of the list right now because I am still struggling to prevent myself from killing myself. So does it matter? I got other things on my mind and it isn’t like I am eating junk food every day or even take out. I just am not active enough to lose weight and I can’t be active because it brings on pain. I have tried to cut the calories, drink more water, etc., but the weight still won’t shed a pound. I needed two days to recover from my one day of going over my limit. That hasn’t happened in a while. And, hello, but if I wasn’t in pain all the time I wouldn’t need pain medication. Thus, losing weight might be easier. But I know it’s his spiel. I just find it harder to swallow than my pills and it just reinforces more hate toward myself because I used to be such an avid walker. It also makes me sad because I can no longer do the things I used to do to control my weight. When I was working, I could have salads and grilled chicken sandwiches. Now I don’t remember to buy lettuce and then when I do, my mother boils it if I don’t use it in a few days time (don’t ask, I think she is part Irish). Salads never really filled me unless I had some protein to go with it. And I am not keen on boiled eggs in a salad. I much rather have chicken. But that means preparing and cooking and I can’t do that because I can’t stand too long. Just making a batch of cookies one time killed me. I can’t imagine what making a few pieces of chicken will do. But I think they have pre-packaged grilled chicken so problem solved. I will get that the next time I go food shopping! It won’t be the same as the kind at my work (theirs was fresh off the grill) but at least it helps me off my feet and maybe helps me to lose weight. I don’t know, I am just throwing my thoughts out there.

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two days of pain

I woke up around 0630 in pain, again. It was the continuation of last night. I took some pain meds and then hobbled to the kitchen to make some breakfast. After that, I went back to sleep and stayed asleep until my mother called me around 1515. I heard her come home and was going to yell at her for not telling her second mother (aka my aunt, her sister) that she went to the doctors this morning. My aunt, who definitely has an anxiety disorder, was flipping out because she couldn’t contact my mother. She was calling the house like every fifteen minutes. I luckily had turned off my phone because if she woke me up, not like she didn’t with the million phone calls to my mother’s line, I would have screamed at her. She left me a panicked message and then when I called she was even more panicked but sly. She said she was going to go to the house (which I doubt as she never goes anywhere outside her home). She lives a few houses down from me. But the whole situation and the excess worry was for nothing. She had forgotten my mother told her she was going to the doctors and when she couldn’t remember, she was in a panic of her own anxiety making, calling the doctor’s office to see if she was there. Surprising to me that the office would tell someone that they were at the office given that is what HIPPAA is all about. I guess someone didn’t care this morning and gave my crazy aunt the information she was looking for. Not ever going to that doctor’s office. I am just bullshit that my sleep got interrupted, again by this crazy bitch. And it’s not like she waits three rings, nope. She calls and lets the phone ring for an eternity or at least until the damn answering machine kicks on. I am so annoyed. When my mother called me around 1515, I did yell at her. I don’t know why my aunt is so fucking nervous about not getting in touch with my mother fifty times a day. And if she doesn’t get a hold of her, she fucking panics, like the world is coming to an end.

I tried going along with the conference tweeting today but I just wasn’t as interested. They had someone tweet Jobes this morning and the tweeter kept misspelling his name, so I would modify the tweet and correct it. She has done this a few times in the last day or so, misspelling people’s names. And it is annoying me. Get it right or don’t tweet at all, for crying out loud. People are not going to know who Jones is or Quinet. Then I got a tweet that one of the past presidents of AAS was doing a panel with students. I cringed. I hate this guy and the fact that he is trying to influence fresh minds, well, it bothers me! He just rubs me the wrong way.

I still am in pain and might go back to sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist with a “why” subject line and then realized, I never asked her a question. She never responded. I might email her again and ask what is the point of living this crap when I am in pain all the time. And I don’t mean mentally this time. Two days of being in pain is not fun. I really feel like a HUGE hypocrite because I am for suicide prevention for others, just not my own. I know one day I will die by my own hand. Question is when.

I just am not a happy person. I have accepted myself as being chronically depressed. I don’t think things are ever going to get better, for me, anyways. My mood is like the stats of blog. One day I might be hitting 80 views and the next I might hit 9. Or vice versa. I never really know who will be reading my blog just like I don’t really know how my day is going to go. I do know that if I am in pain, I am screwed. I stay home, I don’t go out. I take my pain meds that either knock me out or keep me up. I am just glad I have Starbucks coffee that I make at home. It might not keep me up the entire day, especially when I take my meds, but it sure clears the cobwebs so I can write or read.

Right now I am reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky. My therapist asked me what it was about and I wouldn’t tell her. I was not in the mood to give her a book report. Frankly, this book has taken so many turns in the first part that I don’t think I am following it. But it keeps you wanting more, and so I read more. I haven’t read it in a few days because my head just couldn’t get into it. Plus, the print of the book is tiny and I am having trouble reading it as my glasses are now expired. I hope with the new set of glasses, the print is better. I am going to get new glasses sometime next week, if I can get to Harvard. But it all depends on if I get my LTD payment or not and my level of pain. I really wanted to get out today but waking up before 0700 just sucked and I got depressed. I said the hell with it. I didn’t even make coffee today.

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hopeless yet hopeful

Today is the first day of the American Association of Suicidology’s annual conference. I have been getting tweet updates all day from my fellow Twitter buddies. One of them won the writing contest that I had also entered in. I posted the blog earlier today.

I have been astounded that researchers are finally getting a clue that psychache and hopelessness goes hand in hand when dealing with suicidal thoughts. Shneidman would be proud. And they are finding this across the age groups, including youth suicide. I know from experience that was what lead me to self harm and also to think of death constantly. It wasn’t until 2007 while working on a term paper did I realize that only Shneidman had made the connection so brilliantly. Course he never did an empirical study of it. He was out there in the trenches doing the actual work to help decrease suicide. If I hadn’t come across his work and then the work of Jobes, I doubt that I would still be here.

Reading these tweets always makes me feel like I am missing out. Though I know that if I was there, I wouldn’t know how to tweet during a lecture. I would be more interested in what the person was saying than trying to remember it and then post it on Twitter. I suppose I could take notes of what they were saying and then tweet. They had Marsha Linehan today and she told her story of how she was mentally ill with borderline personality disorder, was hospitalized for a good number of years and that the treatment was awful. She made a promise to God that if she got out of her hell, she would try and get others out of theirs. I hate when I am feeling like scum of the universe, feeling hopeless as anything, and then this conference happens to lighten the load so to speak. I truly was in awe that Dr. Linehan came out and was inspirational. She said that to decrease suicide, you have to decrease the pain. And also to use skills to cope. Of course she would say that. She is the founder of DBT! But I think she has softened in her rigidity of DBT as a cure all over the years. She is the one that pushed Jobes into research for CAMS and why would she do that if she thought that DBT was the answer to everything. I minimally respected her before today. But as I am getting to know her more, the more I am respecting her.

Jobes was also at the conference. No surprise there. He was on a panel of speakers but between the tweets, I couldn’t really figure out where he was coming from. The message was that even though he has trained thousands of clinicians in his modality, it didn’t change their behavior toward suicide. And that is sad. He wants the younger clinicians to step and do the research as to why that is.

Last night I was in a pretty bad state of mind. I still don’t want to live. But if Marsha Linehan can come back from mental illness, then maybe I can, too. I know the suicidal thoughts are always going to be there. It is my default coping mechanism. Over the years, I have learned what it took to distract me from going through with these thoughts. I have only come close to killing myself twice in the last two years, no matter how dark and dreary my depressions got me. But figuring this out wasn’t easy. It mostly comes through in hindsight and after the episode has passed. And then I am left feeling like, “did that really happen”? My therapist assures me that I go through these bouts frequently. Which is why she is adamant about me keeping my appointments, no matter how hopeless I get.

Posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment