managing out the window

Managing out the window

The other night, I was having a bad night of pain. I kept texting my therapist that I was having suicidal thoughts of overdosing on my pain medication. The pain was driving me to my wits end. But I some how got through that night.

Today I am in the same spot. I am in pain but am not quite suicidal. I am, however, fighting a migraine that is affecting my vision. AND sounds are bothering me big time. Like my mother who is in the kitchen, playing her dice game. It is annoying the shit out of me right now. I want to scream at her for not watching TV. I rather hear the sounds of the television than the dice game. Plus, to make matters worse, we have a glass tabletop so that just echoes the sounds through out the house. I swear because my mother is deaf, she doesn’t realize how loud she is playing.

I didn’t do anything today. I have been very sleepy for most of the day. Probably because my sleep has been interrupted for the past two nights. Again, all because my father wants attention. Today my sister called me and because the idiot doctor didn’t put her credentials on the prescription, we can’t get it filled. Now I have to call his PCP to see if they can send him the medication. I doubt they will send it off without being seen. And I don’t know how I am going to get him to the doctor’s when I don’t have access to a car. UGH, this sucks.

What sucks more is that I am supposed to be working on this book that I am co-writing but I have no idea what I am going to write. I am feeling pressure to write and the material is there, I just have to focus. But the focus is not there, making it difficult to write. I wrote a page last night but I feel like it is crap. I have to work on it a little bit. Or a lot.

Right now I feel like a fucking cow. My stomach is all bloated for some reason. I feel like the fat around my midsection is strangling me. I hate feeling this way. I never felt like this before, but then, I have gained so much weight the past few weeks. I know it is because of my depression that I have gained weight. Plus, it is not like I am really active with my ankle being sore. I have been a lump on a log, just eating and eating. I don’t know how I am going to manage to keep the weight off when I am so depressed. And I am in so much pain, that I don’t care. It’s a bad cycle.

I had therapy today and my therapist suggested that we have another crisis response plan specifically for my pain cycle. That I should do something other than stare at a bottle of pills. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just happened to count how many were left in the bottle. Then I calculated how much medication I would be ingesting. I don’t think the odds were in my favor. Plus, I really wanted to go to my reunion and I think that saved me from taking the pills. But the texts scared my therapist. I guess I was in a bad place looking back. But when I was in that moment, all I wanted to do was end the pain. And if my life had to end too, I wasn’t going to fight for it. Luckily, wanting to see my friends from the past overtook my desire to take the pills, this time.

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A Reunion Sunday

A Reunion Sunday

I went to a reunion today. It was of my former coworkers from a company that went bankrupt due to bad management in KC, MO. The company was owned by Payless Cashways, no longer in existence and neither is the company it bought out. But the people is what made going to work nice and pleasant, even if you dealt with cranky customers. Not all customers were cranky but it taught me how to deal with customer service. Unfortunately, it would be the last time I would ever work retail. And just as a reminder if I ever go back, I just have to listen to a customer complain about how their 3rd latte isn’t just right.

It was good seeing my old friends that I haven’t seen in years. It was good to catch up with people and sad to learn that people are no longer with us. It has been more than 15 years since the company closed, yet we all still like to get together. Even though we were once close, I felt out of place. There was only one friend that talked with me for more than 10 minutes. I am not that social so did not initiate conversations. I did a lot of standing and walking around the room. I would say hi to someone but it was nothing more than that. I guess I am an introvert.

I just had my dinner, a black bean burger. Now I can just sit up with my leg elevated and maybe try and take a nap. I really am tired as I didn’t sleep that well. My idiot father called me at 0230 saying his “liver hurts”. I told him to take some pain medicine and I will call him in the morning. He called me shortly after I got to the reunion. Probably because he couldn’t reach my sister. I called him back and he was doing better. I was thankful because I didn’t want to leave the place and spend the day in the ER. I bet he was probably just hungry as he hasn’t been eating lately.

A weird thing was on my wrist. A pimple had formed on one of my scars in the center of it. I was able to pop it but in the process, it triggered me. I so want to cut now. I am trying to distract myself but it is so hard. I am also trying not to look at my wrist as that only makes the urges more powerful. I might put a bandage on it if the urges become stronger. Sometimes if I cover the scars up, it makes me less likely to cut.

I just have one, well two, prescriptions to pick up for the rest of the month and then I think I am done with it. I think I am going to call the state health agency and see if I can get a better drug plan because dishing out $10 per medication is adding up to money I don’t have. I managed this month but next month, I might not be so lucky.

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Better, but not great

Better, but not great

I slept fairly well last night, despite being in horrible pain. I woke up a few times before 9, but I was able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t until my phone’s app started beeping for me to take my blood pressure meds did I get up. Then I realized that I had to go to the post office to drop off the book for my neurologist. I sent her an email saying it is on its way. I should have put the review books in the mail. I think it would be nice to get reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. But I am too scared of rejection that I hold back.

Today is a warm day. I was sweating by the time I came home from my errands. I picked up my meds too while I was out. My ankle is kindly thanking me now. I really want to go out and get coffee but I just missed the bus and the next one isn’t for another hour. So no coffee today. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it. Making coffee at home just doesn’t have the same appeal as going out for coffee.

Last night I was in a rough spot. I hope that I don’t ever be in that spot again. The suicidal thoughts were great and it would have been easy to take 14 pills. That was all that I needed to help my pain or make me sicker than a dog. I am glad I didn’t find out. But it scares me that I feel like that in the moment but this morning, I don’t feel like I did last night. Granted I am in less pain than I was in but still, I could have injured myself and no one would have known about it, least not until it was too late. My therapist wouldn’t get the texts until Monday. That wouldn’t have been any good.

I seriously thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already spoke to her that day. Granted it was an urgent situation and not a “hi, how are you” one. I just think that I can get through the episodes on my own, that I don’t need any help. I feel funny asking for help. It is like it goes against the grain of what I am feeling.

I have been in this situation plenty of times. I feel like if I do reach out for help, I am a bother. And I know that if I call my psychiatrist, she most likely will tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want that. The ER is not going to help me with my pain. They won’t find anything wrong with me and then ship me off to psych ER for further evaluation. Maybe they will put me in the hospital, maybe they won’t. I just know that I don’t want to go to the ER at all because it is a waste of time for me. And being in the hospital is a bigger waste of time, as I found that out in August.

Thing is, I was in a lot of pain, more than my normal amount that I am in. And it wears you out, both mentally and physically. Now that I am not in so much pain, I can look back on what was going on and be insightful.

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in so much pain

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?

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Ankle Chronicles 7

area of pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.

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Rest day, NOT

Rest day, NOT

I have been feeling really down and blah the past two days. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Yesterday, I forced myself to go out and immediately wanted to come back home afterwards. Today, I still was in pain, as I woke up at 0630 with my ankle hurting. There was nothing I could do about it so I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. I am exhausted dealing with pain every day. Today I just wanted to stay in the house and sleep. Did that happen? Nope. My father called me and said that he had to figure out what meds needed to be refilled and picked up at the pharmacy. I told him I wasn’t walking to the pharmacy as I couldn’t go that far. He was feeling lousy and looked terrible. He must have caught a virus and it is affecting him. I made him eat something before I left, after sorting out his medication.

This totally wiped me out and my leg was not too happy with me. I am hurting really bad so will need to break out the stronger pain medication because I just can’t take it anymore. Even going up the stairs, I am just dragging my ass up each step. It’s like my house is filled with mud or something. I just can’t find energy to move. It’s a quarter to six as I am writing this and I could just go right to sleep. Last night, I went to sleep around 1830 only to wake up around midnight. It was good that I did wake up because I didn’t take my night meds. I still have to take a shower and I don’t want to. But I smell and my shirt is dirty as I spilled some stuff on it. I can’t sleep in this shirt.

I think I am tired from all the crying I did yesterday. Damn country music! So even though I know my leg is going to really hate me, I am going to take a shower. Then I will take two strong pain pills and go to sleep.

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Finagling the Bagel

Finagling the bagel

I spent today going over how much it was going to cost me of my OTC meds, specifically my allergy meds and laxative. I couldn’t find them cheap at the two pharmacies that I go to. But Amazon saved me. For the laxative, it was buy two bottles for one. I was so happy and in order to get free shipping, I got 4 boxes of cereal. I eat a lot of cereal because it helps to keep my weight down.

I still have to get my prescription medication. That is going to be no finagling. I have about 5 or 6 meds I need. I have decided that I just won’t eat out this month. When I get my check, I usually order one meal out. But this time, I just can’t. I still don’t know how I am going to get my powerade for the month and a haircut. It’s stressing me out that I don’t have money for these items, but I might call to get my car junked tomorrow. I just hope I have the stamina to do it. I was going to do it today but I was just too tired. I had a really long day yesterday and today I felt like a truck hit me. I was just so very tired. I know part of it is that I took my pain meds because my leg was hurting me when I woke up. I just now took the last of them. The pharmacy lied and I won’t be able to fill my new script until Friday. So I have another two days of rationing, though not really. I have nothing to ration, except my stronger pain medication. I will only take that as a last resort and if my pain is near a twenty.

I had therapy today. I tried to see my therapist tomorrow, which would have made 4x this week but my she is out of the office. We talked more about my father being a SOB than anything else. I was getting annoyed so I asked to change the subject. She then brought up that I am still “loyal” to him. WTF. Not going there, not today. I had no energy to argue about it. I just reminded her that her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. That cut the talk about my father real quick. We talked about her daughter for a little while and then moved on to something else.

If I was drained before therapy, I was more so afterwards. I was debating getting coffee at my Starbucks. I thought maybe a coffee is what I needed to give me a push. But my plans were spoiled when my cousin gave me a ride. After talking to him for the 15-20 mins, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just got a sandwich and a water. My stomach was feeling icky so I didn’t want to make it more so with coffee. Today sucks. I am exhausted and can’t really deal with anything. I also think I am dehydrated so I got a Gatorade on my way home. I bought a candy bar thinking chocolate might help my mood but I didn’t even open it. I just left it on the kitchen counter and went to my room. I played my games, now I am writing my blog, and soon will be taking a nap. It’s that time of day when I need one. I don’t care if it energizes me for the night. I have meds to knock me out.

The thing that I didn’t talk to about with my therapist was that my suicidality is slowly increasing. I am feeling fed up because I am in pain all the time. I have been in pain nearly everyday for the past week. It’s stressing me out. And I can’t do anything about it. My PCP was saying that the depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse. I was like no shit Sherlock. But what are you going to do to STOP the pain from happening?? He didn’t have an answer. But being in pain is literally driving me crazy. I just want one day of no pain, just so mentally I can rest. But I think the only way I can rest is if I take Ativan because there is not a chance I won’t be in pain anytime soon. And that is killing me, slowly but surely.

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but you don’t have…

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/well-at-least-its-not.html

This blog tells it as it is. it is an enjoyable read for those of us that get the stigma of well at least you don’t have…

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Then

Then By: Brad Paisley

I remember trying not to stare
The night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later
In the front porch light
Taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn’t told you yet
I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than its ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I remember taking you back
To right where I first met you
You were so suprised
There were people around
But I didn’t care
I got down on one knee right there
And once again
I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than its ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you
With a baby on the way
I can just see you
When your hair is turning grey
What I can’t see
Is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before

Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
We’ll look back someday
At this moment that we’re in
And I’ll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then

And I thought I loved you then

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How Country Music Touches You

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??

Posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment