Listening to Bryan Adams today. Just love listening to his voice. I realized that my country music has failed me as there are no songs that are pulling at my heart strings lately. Sure there are songs that I like but nothing that helps me deal with the pain of what I have been going through lately. So I have turned to alternative music for now and found the Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, and some other group that I don’t know yet the name of as I was listening to the radio. I like listening to songs that make you feel something. Sure my country music puts me in a good mood and I like that but I am not always in a good mood all the time.
Was talking earlier with a blogger friend. She would like me to guest blog on her blog. I won’t disclose the topic because I haven’t written it yet. I hope to work on it later today once I get some ideas on it. I am honored that she wants me to do this. I hope what I write will be good!
We talked about my editor and the book. She read the book of course and had some good suggestions for it, though I really like the way the book is haphazard. She wanted me to be more linear and frankly, I don’t like being linear. Which is ok because she liked the book anyway. I just hope that it’s good enough to sell or at least have a few sales anyway. I have the opportunity to have my book presented at the AAS conference, if I get this thing published on time. AAS is the American Association of Suicidology where I sometimes blog. I am part of the founding members of their suicide attempt survivors blog. I have a piece that I wrote that I am waiting to hear back on.
Lately I have been feeling out of sorts and I don’t mean this cold that I got. In Jan of 2013, I got myself refitted for my claddaugh ring. It was a writing reward to myself and all the hard work that I had done with my writing partner, starting this blog, and working with the AAS to help finagle the inner workings of their blog. It’s been more than a year and for that year I never took the ring off my finger. Now I find that I am leaving the ring off more and more. Granted part of the reason is that because of arthritis, my hand swells, making the ring uncomfortable. My weight has been stable so I know it is not because of gaining. But now I find myself losing interest in it like I have so many things lately. Today I looked at my hand and realized I wasn’t wearing it and almost panicked because I couldn’t remember the last time I did wear it. It is more than just a piece of jewelry to me. It is a piece of accomplishment and I feel like it is slipping off my finger, so to speak. All that I have worked for this past year just feels like it was all for nothing and I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know if it is because of the depression that I am under or if I am truly just a nothing, a nobody. I just feel lost again and am wondering if I will be found. Sure my blog is doing well. I watch the stats closely because I am a geek. Could it be better, probably. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about the ring on my finger that once meant something to me. Most days I don’t wear it. It fits, sometimes a little snuggly, sometimes a little loosely. Other times it is a tight fit. Guess you can say it all depends on my hand’s mood. When I do wear it, I hardly notice it. It has now become a part of me, a part that I am losing. And I am not sure I can get it back.
I know most of the feelings of being a nothing and a nobody is coming from my father. This week has been difficult because it is an anniversary week. I think this is the first time in 23 years that I have had to deal with my father in the same week. He is a toxic parent and I don’t know how to cope with it, even after all these years.