Still angry

Things are not getting better. I had a breakdown last night. The attending doc for the weekend asked how suicidal I was and it set me off. I then was a bubbling idiot to my contact person. We talked about the TG stuff and how much that is contributing to my suicidal thoughts.

I think I have been taking too much senna as I have been going multiple times a day. I have loose stool and I hate it. It scares me because I really don’t want to have an accident.

I am glad I got some supportive comments yesterday. It helped to know that people care about me even of they don’t know me.

I still am very suicidal. I feel hopeless about my future here. I still think being in a casket is my better option, though I do want to be cremated. I want my ashes in a specific area that means a lot to me. I might wrote out my will and testament today. I know you are supposed to be clear headed but I am as clear as I can be at this time. I am also going to write a letter to my friend to tell him what to do when I am gone so that my family isn’t burdened too much. I want him to be the one to notify my online friends and my therapist and psychiatrist. I think it will be important and there is no one I trust more to carry these deeds out.

I had some discharge last night. Part of me knows this is probably a hormonal situation the will resolve itself with time but I am tired of fighting all the time. I told my contact person that I am just tired of always fighting the demons. This time I am giving in.

I am really angry that I am still here. I thought they would discharge me by now. I know it has only been a few days but come on. I am thinking of signing what is known as a three day. It gives the clinical team 3 days to determine if I need to stay by court order, I can leave or I can against medical advice. I know the risk is me staying by court order but I don’t care. Maybe If I do, and I am not worrying about them kicking me out prematurely I can get some work done. Its not like I have a job that is in jeopardy if I stay longer than need be. I just feel my back is against the wall and if I don’t do something crazy, I am not going to be helped. I half want this hospitalization to work for me and not be a babysitting experience. But I really don’t think they can make me hopeful. I know that has to come from me and I just am not there yet. I wish my therapist wasn’t going on vacation. I have a feeling I am going to be here the whole two weeks she is gone and I am bores being here already.

To my fellow bloggers, thank you for being there. It means a lot.

5 thoughts on “Still angry

  1. We’re still here and you can always fb message me if you got your phone charged and I will do my best to be there the best I can. I hope this admission works and brings hope back to or at least you to a place where you feel safe. Thinking of you.


  2. GC. I’m so sorry that you are going through such an awful time. Having spent time in psych hospital myself often because of serious suicide attempts I understand the feeling of being ‘babysat’. However, I really hope that this admission will be really helpful and you get the support you need at this time. Importantly that you can find someone you can relate to and who will allow you to talk without judging you or negating the way you feel. Someone who can being hope and meaning back into your life again. My thoughts are with you. Karen


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