I came home from the funeral reception a little while ago and decided to play some music. Pearl Jam’s song “Immortality” was the first song played so thought it would be a perfect title.

I didn’t think I was going to get through the funeral mass. My nieces said some scriptures and both broke down. It was heart breaking to see them cry. I feel really bad I am still in a state of shock and feel no emotion. I didn’t cry except when I found out my aunt was sick and thought she wasn’t going to be ok.

It was okay at the reception. I didn’t eat too much because I didn’t want to get sick. Lately I have been eating more than I have the past few weeks and my stomach has been hurting me afterwards. We have been having chicken ziti and broccoli all week. I don’t mind because I love the dish. My sister has been having edible arrangements delivered all week. We have a lot of fruit to eat.

I really haven’t cried for my father’s loss all week. I have moments of sadness but mostly I feel relieved. I really dislike my aunt (mother’s sister) who has been coming over with her loud mouth talking about anything and everything. It’s pissing me off because I just want things to be quiet and she just yells to get her point across. She was telling me that my cousin on my father’s side paid her a compliment about my grandmother and she cried. I wasn’t phased. She can cry at the mention of her mother’s name or grave site or anything for that matter. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she didn’t care for my father at all, not one fucking bit yet she is playing sympathy to him. She is something else and it bothers me so much. I really want to kick her out but she is at my sister’s place so I have no right to kick her out. So I leave to be alone and away from her.

I called the stupid oxygen people and said I wanted a fix time that they would be by because it’s hard to be at my father’s apartment waiting for them to come. They said they will be over between 1100 and 1300. My sister will be at his apartment to do some cleaning up. I am not sure I will be over. I got a call from a florist saying that there will be a delivery for me tomorrow and it’s perishable so I need to be home. My mother is deaf and won’t hear the doorbell. I have been going all week without a chance to breathe. It’s been go, go, go all week. I finally had a chance to email my friend to let him know my father died.

I am exhausted. I went to bed last night around midnight only to wake up at 0200. I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 0400. We had to leave early this morning for the church and our final goodbyes at the funeral home. I snapped a pic of my father in the casket because that is how I want to remember him, not the way I last saw him before they collected his body. I made coffee this morning and had an Ensure for breakfast. I wasn’t up for eating anything. I had a small dish of pasta at the reception and some cheese when I came home. I am not hungry. I am sleepy, however.

Last night, I was talking with one of my cousins that I am really close to. Some how the whole transgender thing came up and I said don’t worry, I have had to play “daughter” all month and use my real name as well. It bothered me but I got a couple of sir calls last night with the funeral home men so that made me feel good. And there was an older gentleman that called me sir as well. I guess that is why I don’t feel like crying. I’m too stoic and I feel like I have to be the strong one while my sisters lose their emotions. I do feel inhibited for some reason. Like if something doesn’t go my way, I will blow up. Which is probably why I left my sister’s apartment before I blew up at my aunt and her ex son in law. I really don’t know why the fuck he was there.

4 thoughts on “Immortality

  1. Vulture is a good word. Personally I think they come just for the food and then leave. But the ex son in law always seems so stoned. He is an alcoholic. He just lost his mother so I expected him to be off but he is more so. I never liked him.
    I’ll have some ziti for ya!


  2. It’s so aggravating when the “vultures” start circling. Everybody (your aunt, for instance) has their own agendas that come out when someone dies. It’s amazing, it’s like a set pattern that they have to have their own part in the drama. This too shall pass, in about a week, hopefully!

    Not surprised that you’re numb. I think in a lot of ways, processing the feelings that come up when a difficult parent dies is harder, because there are so many layers of feeling. I know that when my mother dies (if I outlive her, which is not at all a certainty since she at 89 is much healthier than I am), I will be grieving the mother I didn’t have, that I never had, that I desperately wanted and kept hoping that one day I would wake up and have a real mother. So when the numbness wears off, you might encounter a lot of stuff. Or not.

    I’m still here for you. Take good care. Eat some ziti for me, will you? I miss it.


  3. I’m just going to say that this is all 100% normal. My experience was nearly identical. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling… just don’t stay there too long.

    THinking of you


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