PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

I had a PTSD flare because of pain. It brought out anxiety. I tried to get a hold of a friend to talk to but she was not available. I paged my psychiatrist and we chatted for a bit. She said I am going through a lot and I am managing but she thinks the hospital would be better for me. Why, I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. It’s nothing more than a babysitting service.

I cried while I was on the phone with my psych. I couldn’t help it. I was so revved up with anxiety and I am not an anxious person. The pain was driving me mad and today being an anniversary day was just too much. I kept going through the red flags of CES, telling myself I didn’t have it but my brain just wouldn’t get it off it’s mind. No matter that I could walk, wiggle my toes, have control of my bowels and bladder, etc. it just wouldn’t calm the fuck down. The pain was really the trigger and I couldn’t go anything to bring the pain levels down. I had taken my meds but it would be a while for it to kick in. I told my psych this and she tried waiting with me about what to do to calm me down. She said to watch TV but I don’t watch TV. I read. So I read Huck Finn for a bit. I told her I was going to read 1984 but she said that might be too much. So Huck Finn it was.

I read four chapters of Huck Finn and then the anxiety went down a notch or three. I am feeling tired now. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow after my therapist appointment to let her know how it goes. I was going to email her but I think I will page her. Then we can talk about if I need to go to the hospital or not. I really want to see my psychiatrist on Friday so I really don’t want to go into the hospital on Thursday.

I have my bag packed but I think I might bring my suitcase with me instead of my backpack. It might be easier and then I will bring my backpack with me so I can bring my books and journal. It will also be less stress on my back. I will bring my Sox blanket with me. It comforts me when I am in the hospital.

I didn’t tell my psych that I had suicidal urges earlier this afternoon. She knows I don’t page her unless I am really in need to talk to someone and not having a therapist the last few months has really been a struggle. She says that I am managing well as I can be. It felt good to hear her say that. I know I should probably be in the hospital for supportive care but I really don’t want to go. I hate being in the hospital. I don’t sleep well. And I always have to ask for my meds when I am in pain. I have to be on their schedule, not mine. It sucks. And I won’t be able to get my strong pain pill should I need it. I am really sad about this. But this is a psych unit not a medical one.

My psych wants me at the hospital that I usually go to. I hope they have a bed. I am going to try and talk her into going in on Monday. That is when they have discharges and beds are more available. We’ll see. I hope it’s Monday but if she wants me in on Thursday, that will be okay too. I just need to pack a little faster than I need to.