Another twitter rant on suicidal thoughts
Severe pain is an apparent suicidal trigger for me as I am sure others with Chronic Pain are too. In that moment, you just want to die as you don’t know if relief is coming or not. With CRPS, pain changes. Bone pain could become foot pain. It is never ending. Suicidal thoughts are fluid in people with chronicity. I can feel it for a few minutes to hours to days. It just takes a spark to ignite. Add hopelessness and the longer it lasts. If I feel trapped, I start planning my death. Sometimes I will give myself a date. Having that date comforts me. I can act on that date if I am still as intensely suicidal as I was in the moment of planning my death. Otherwise, the day passes like an ordinary day. Tonight I just had the passing thoughts of death and intense feelings of Joiner’s interpersonal theory of burdonsomness, better off without me feelings. I still don’t know why I am still here. I don’t wish to be. Guess I am just a coward to act. I have felt intensely suicidal a lot. I’ve given myself so many dates it is not funny. I fantasize about my plans and going through with them. Yet I am still here. As long as I have the fantasy of death, it keeps me here. It is a great escape, especially when pain keeps you from moving. Hopelessness intensifies the suicidal feelings more than being depressed or sad. I don’t have to be depressed to think about killing myself.