transition appt and other things

Transition appt and other things

I’ve had an early day as I woke up around 5. I decided to stay up as I needed to get up at 7 to shower and get ready to leave the house the latest at 815. I played with my phone, talking to a fellow tweety buddy about stuff. I had woken up with spaghetti arms and she never heard of the term. I explained that it was a side effect of my antipsychotic medication. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen now and then. Around 6 I decided to heat up a burrito and then shower. For some reason, my heating method didn’t work as well as before as parts of the burrito were cold. I might have to use the second side at 40 seconds rather than 30. I had a glass of juice and then hit the shower.

By the time I was done, I was wiped out. I had about 45 minutes before I had to get dressed so I decided to risk laying down. I set my alarm and when it went off, I didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed for another ten minutes before getting dressed and leaving the house. It was sunny out and a little chilly but it would warm up a little by the time I got home. I just caught the bus to the station. While I was on my way, my friend texted me saying that she couldn’t meet me because something came up. She felt bad as she was looking forward to seeing me. I told her not to worry. I will be having frequent trips to the health center so there will be other opportunities.

The appt went well. I asked him what to do with the one female hormone I am taking to stop my periods. He said once I start testosterone, I can switch to a progesterone only pill until the T builds up in my system to adequately stop my menses. I might have a period or two while adjusting. He needs to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist and then I think by next appt, I could be ready to go for T shots. It will be weekly and could take as long as 6 months to show changes because of my age. I asked about top surgery and he said that can be discussed once I have begun changing. He asked if I wanted bottom surgery and I said no due to my nerve injury. I still don’t know how T is going to affect my sex drive or how it is going to be. I am kind of worried because when I was sexually active (some 15+ yrs ago), after my nerve injury it was very painful and I hated it. Since I have been out of that crummy relationship, I have not been with anyone. It’s so damn hard because even my urine is fucked up some days. Like the other day it was like all I did was pee. Then the next day, I hardly peed at all, no matter how much I drank. It’s so frustrating.

With the length of this transition, I am kind of thinking of how my plan is going to be and what to do about it. I haven’t put anything in motion, mostly because I haven’t been up during business hours to place phone calls. I emailed my psychiatrist in a kind of panic email about all of this as I was in a pain flare and basically going nuts like I do. I just get so overwhelmed with anxiety during a flare, like the world is ending kind of feeling. I also become more suicidal as I want to escape the pain. I don’t want to live anymore if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life in horrific pain every single day. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile going through the transition or to start it. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking it will pass and I can manage the pain again, but then there are days where I am set in my ways and I want to go through with it. I still have time as it will take some time to organize things. I have no deep rush. I do know it will be sometime this year. I just don’t know when, specifically.