Tuesday 29 Jan 19
I had a rotten night. I was in a lot of severe pain and my mood sucked really bad so the suicidal part of me came out. I was talking to a guy on Twitter that said I had to watch this spiritual video and then say Jesus to be helped. I find all the crackpots. If he reads this, sorry buddy, you aren’t my cup of tea! I didn’t have a response to anyone last night except my CRPS group but they were all the same like me, wanting to cut their limbs off. It was nice to be able to share these things without people getting all horrified. Like when you talk about suicide and they freak out. I really hate that and do anything to stop the conversation.
I woke up when my med alarm went off, which was about 4 hours after I fell asleep. I didn’t sleep laying down but kind of in a reclining position. I had a stiff neck because my neck was hanging instead of being supported. I then got rid of the pillow that was supporting my knees and just when I got all nice and comfy to go back to sleep, my bladder had to use the bathroom. Fucking asshole. I was pissed. My mother was up and was noisy as all hell. I was getting mad and didn’t go into the kitchen. I did my business and then went upstairs. I took some Neurontin, Ativan, and benedryl after sending an email to my psychiatrist about whether or not my PCP would be receptive to talking about pain management again. She never responded, which means she either didn’t have time to answer or didn’t want to answer. I ended up emailing the chickenshit because my bones were hurting me. I don’t remember the time I mailed him but it is now well after 4 pm so I doubt I will get a response. My high ankle bones are hurting really bad and the last time this happened, which happened to be last week, the pain traveled down to my lower ankle and foot bones. ALL OF THEM! I was delirious from lack of sleep so I just laughed. I honestly never experienced that before so I didn’t know what to do about it. Because he didn’t answer, I ended up taking a pain pill, which means I will be short tomorrow because I just am in so much pain with the weather being a dick. Tomorrow is going to snow and then turn to rain. Then the temps are going to plummet. So ya, pain storm ahead! I kind of am anticipating pain but what I am to do about it, I have no fucking clue! I am beyond pissed I have no help from the doctors. I have to rely on just so hokey pokey shit and hope it works. Most of the time though, I am just trying to distract. I will go on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube and just scroll through. I sometimes watch the videos because after someone posts one, there is a list of more after it. And they are usually more fun to watch then the one posted. I found a lot of baby ones one night. It was so cute! They were being so funny especially the twins.
I really want to make a cup of tea and have sugar cookies but not sure that will cause me pain. I got to take my night meds soon and I am really tired. I should be sleeping but I am fighting it. I just keep expecting bone pain because I keep having the high ankle bone hurting me. My foot is buzzing so that isn’t good either. So if I can sleep, I better get to it.