I have had to miss therapy all week because of pain. Yesterday I didn’t go because I thought I would have PT but slept through the appt. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am doing in therapy, like is it useful or am I wasting time. I know my therapist cares, or at least portrays that he does. He doesn’t give any “homework” or any structure. We just talk and he might respond like the last 5 minutes to the things I’ve said. Sometimes it is really hard to talk the whole 45 minutes. I have a hard time thinking what to say. But I get through it.
What is making me sad is that I’ll be starting PT again and that always stresses me out. Maneuvering appts and spending 45 minutes on the bus to and from. Then remembering to do the exercises the way I was told. The having flares because I went to an appt. I hurt worse with therapy. Sometimes I hurt for days. Throw in fucking weather dysfunction like going from 63 degrees to 30 the next day kills me.
I think I am going to have to stop therapy while I have PT. I really need to work on my right leg or I am not going to be able to walk. Just getting around my house some days I need a walker because both feet are terrible. My right heel is causing me to walk funny and causing ankle pain. Sometimes I can alleviate it but lately it has become so bad after therapy that I just can’t recover. It is too painful to calm down in a day or two. So with this in mind, I got to let my therapist know. Trouble is, I don’t know how. Stress isn’t good with my CRPS. It makes my pain worse for that foot/ankle. And causing me to put more weight on it because I can’t bear weight on my “good” right foot, well it is a mess.
Mentally I know I am not that great. But I’ve always been suicidal and this guy has taken no interest in trying to decrease my thoughts except through talking about it. Yes that is useful but doesn’t help when I am now planning my death because I can’t stand the cycle of pain anymore. He doesn’t have any structure to deal with it and has even said I am free to do it once I leave his office, as long as I am not going to do it right when I leave. As an autodidact suicidologist, this terrifies me of this approach. But basically he is saying he can’t save me. And I don’t want him to. I don’t want anyone to stop me. Hence I plan. But I am getting off track.
I don’t know how to say to him can we temporarily stop until i am a little better than what i am now. I am terrified he will say no and end our time. Which then means i am screwed with having to find someone once i am better. I am really scared he might say this. But if i just keep canceling week after week, he might think i don’t want to see him anymore.
I have no idea if i am making sense. It sucks that my pain is interfering with this but fuck, I am disabled for a reason. If I was well, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
Comments are very much welcome to this post. Thanks for reading.