Darkest depression and other things

Darkest depression and other things

Yesterday I wanted to write a blog but couldn’t get the words together. I haven’t been eating. Sunday I had only a protein bar. Yesterday was just a bologna sandwich. I spoke with my psych as she wanted me to talk. She is worried about how much weight I have lost and not having an appetite. I am to call her tomorrow to check in and I am scared she might say hospital. I lost another five pounds so that makes twenty over the course of one month. I am losing five pounds per week, all because I am barely eating. I haven’t had anything to eat today. I want to order my from my favorite roast beef place but it is a lot of food so not sure it would be worth spending $15 for food and not be able to eat it.

I went to PT today even though my back was sore. I took an Uber there as it has been easier than trying to navigate public transportation. I am progressing slowly. My PT tried to point out the good but I was too hopeless to hear or take in what she was saying. I just felt like a failure because all week I haven’t been able to do my exercises.

After PT, I went to the grocery store to get some more Powerade and the chicken patties I have been craving. I also bought dinosaur chicken nuggets. If I eat some, maybe that will be better than nothing. My back was still killing me from walking around the store so I took an Uber home. I am glad I did. I then went to the dumb new pharmacy to pick up my meds and asked about the other one that was N/A. It didn’t transfer over so I got to call the doc to resend it. Nearly every prescription I have done with the app or had my doctor send over, I had to call about. I’ve never dealt with such incompetence before. I have let the upper management know they suck and even though I have used them since I moved here in 1992, I am teetering on moving to another chain. I am not going to go through this hassle every month!

I came home and I didn’t want to eat. I am hungry because my stomach is growling. I just have no desire to eat. My mother is making stir fry with rice. I will try and eat some of that. I am starting to feel weak from not eating. I’ve never had depression this bad that I stopped eating like this. My psychiatrist even said I am not myself, that this isn’t me. She has never known me to not eat. I feel so blah that I don’t care.

My sister has moved in. My mother has been after me for two days trying to clear my office stuff from the living room. I can’t do anything today. Yesterday I cleared out some of the stuff that is in a huge box, hence why my back is so damn sore. I won’t be able to do anything until it calms down. I am almost through with the stuff and then I can make room for the bins downstairs. Think once the box is done, I will go through my bookcase first and take down some books/binders that are not being used nor care to look at anymore. I can move some of the books on the floor on the shelves. Hopefully that will be done this week but I am really not sure. It all depends on how things go with my psych tomorrow.

2 thoughts on “Darkest depression and other things

  1. I can relate, I haven´t had the same exact experience you have, but have had CRPS and episodes of depression. Hope you can get back on track and start eating somewhat regularly again, it will help with the mindset.


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