2019May05 Cinco de Mayo
Happy Cinco de Mayo if you celebrate it. I don’t because it is a rebellion that is for only those people and I don’t drink so no point.
I had stayed up until four in the morning. I was trying to do something and it just wasn’t going to work. I had no idea time was flying while I was attempting to do this. So stupid.
Today is my cousin’s birthday. I honestly don’t remember the year she was born so no idea how old she is. I think she turned 30 last year or the year before. I was invited but couldn’t go because of pain.
“I am now the most miserable man living. if what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I cannot tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.” –Abraham Lincoln.
This quote is what things feel like now. I sent it to my psych last night as I was having strong urges and thoughts and visions of knives being in my chest. Past two days have been rough with suicidality. I wish I could say what is on my mind but am too afraid someone might call the cops on me for feeling the way I do. I see my psych on Friday and might tell her. I also need to call her, again, Monday. I want to tell her over the phone as that will be easier but on the other hand, I am not sure I will be a free bird after I tell her. I appreciate her wanting to check in with me so often but I kind of want her to leave me alone, too. I know she is worried about me and she would leave me alone if she felt I was okay enough.
I was up till 0430 this morning. I had my laptop and this document up so apparently started writing and dozed off a bit. I was in such a rotten mood last night. Because I made breakfast, my damn foot is acting up. I’ve been bad about doing PT exercises. I don’t care anymore. If I do them, I do them, if I don’t, fuck it. I hate stressing over it. I feel bad because my PT and I have been making progress except for the balance and calf issue. It has been nearly three months now and my calf is still hard as a rock. Every time I try to stretch it out, I have pain the next day and can barely stand, much less walk. I know it is sore but fuck, I need to be able to do those things, even if it is around the house. My heel pain has been much better, flaring every so often now. I have no idea what triggers the pain as I can be walking fine and then it will hurt. Last time I had just turned to throw something out while in my kitchen and was hit with pain. Then it went away (nothing really helps make it go away other than resting it). I am so tired of being in pain between the two feet that it is driving me so nuts to the point of being suicidal all the time. Sure my mood doesn’t help but neither does being in severe pain every day. The new extended release has brought my every day pain down. I forgot what it was like living with a 3 level pain every day. But the flares haven’t stopped. I still have them where I can see stars at times and then my suicidality will fricken increase so much. Usually when it calms down the next day, I am not so suicidal. Past few days, I have no idea what is going on but I just am plain suicidal. I am not going to act on what I feel or think, but damn, I can’t shake them off. I have tried things that have worked in the past but I can’t seem to decrease them and the more I try the harder they are around. Doesn’t help when your psychache is out of control, either. Psychache is when you have unbearable anguish, despair, frustration, emotional pain, guilt, perturbation, worthlessness, etc. It has been coming on strong. That is why the quote from Abraham Lincoln is so poignant right now. This quote has been on my mind a lot, too:
“I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. Hugo Wolf
I posted that with my Instagram account last night with a pick of me looking pathetic. Well, actually, it looked like I was in pain, which I was, just like I am now. Foot pain has gone up and so has psychache. Eventually my perturbation and lethality will skyrocket and I will act. I just don’t know when that will be. Maybe I will save up for a hotel room. I don’t know. I need some place to do it other than my bedroom. There isn’t any deserted places around where I live. Kind of sucks and the weather calls for rain most of the week so being outside won’t be ideal. Maybe going in the hospital will give me some breathing room. I don’t know anymore. I still need to straighten out my room. I was going to change sheets today but I don’t have the energy for it. I still need to clear off the corner of my bed that likes to accumulate shit. Trying to keep that corner clear is a joke at this point. Ready to just throw it on the floor and be done with it.