I had a few hours sleep. I had another bad night of pain that kept me up. Around 2 I started writing a letter/email to my psych. I told her how frustrated I was with her being dismissed and my anger about the institution. I also told her how difficult it is to call her when I am suicidal and thinking about acting. I had emailed her to find out when I should call her. She always said to call her but I didn’t know when it would be okay to do so. I always feel like when I call her, it should be an emergency as I usually just email her. I only call if my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t calm down or I am in overwhelm mode and need her to help calm me down. I haven’t had a response to the email, yet. I am not sure I will but we will see.
When I got up, I had one coffee, a cold brew. I had to go to the grocery store and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I did a little shopping and got my favorite ice cream. I was worried it would be soup by the time I came home as it is really hot today. Tomorrow is going to worse. I hate summer. I went home quickly and luckily I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I was starting to feel shaky when I came home, like I had three cups of coffee or something. I still am feeling jittery, even after I ate and had a soda. I just took some pain meds and my urine retention meds as I haven’t used the bathroom since I got up. I hate that my bladder isn’t working right. I see the urologist next week to find out what is wrong, though I suspect it is the nerve damage that I have. I don’t know if I will have to self cath or not. I hope not. I don’t know if the med I am on needs to be increased or just switched to another one. I did have success with Flomax when I was in the hospital for my second surgery. It really helped with the retention but didn’t always work after the re-do surgery as I was retaining. I remember when I had the MRI I was completely gone. My mental status was out in left field. I was being catharized and it was like I knew where I was but I didn’t. I thought I was in the ER but I was on the floor of the hospital. Least I knew I was in the hospital.
I have therapy tomorrow and I will discuss my past abuse which is going to be really difficult as I am having PTSD symptoms that are really bothering me. I had a medical procedure when I was little and I keep having intrusive memories about it. I don’t know what kind of test they were doing. I just know I was screaming for my mother and they had to restrain me as I was fighting them severely. I was totally freaking out. They had to sedate and anesthetize me. I was so distraught. Then I felt like my mother abandoned me and I was really angry at her. But I couldn’t tell her I was mad at her. I was a kid and you just didn’t say that to your mother. I have no idea if this created the voices. I was talking to them the whole time I was up and my thoughts were really fucked up. I had to take another antipsychotic to quiet them down. They were still quiet this morning and I had a hard time thinking. When they are quiet I find it hard to function. I need the “background noise” as I feel empty when they aren’t there. I also feel alone. They have been with me since I was five.
I am not really feeling anxious. It is more like agitation. I want to keep moving but don’t feel like it. I am really restless. I wanted to write to see if I could calm down as that sometimes works. Last night I wrote like three pages in my journal and it didn’t help. I just got more keyed up.
I really, really hate when you tell someone you are hearing voices and their immediate response is to tell them to shut up, like that fucking works. It irritates me so much. Like don’t you think I have tried that? Fuck. People have no clue what I go through or really anyone who have hallucinations, whether they hear or see them. I really don’t know what the “right” response would be but I know it isn’t “tell them to shut up.”
I think I am having side effects of the trilafon I took last night to quiet the voices. It feels similar to what I have experienced when I was on abilify. I probably need to take an Ativan to shake off the side effects. Living with this shit is so fucking hard. I am so tired of side effect of my medications. I know the risks outweigh the benefits but dammit, I hate the shakiness. I hate the constipation. I hate the brain fog and cognitive impairment.