and just like that…

And just like that

I woke up when my med alarm went off. I know I fell asleep between 0230 and 0300 so I had a good amount of sleep. I didn’t take my meds right away and dozed until a little after 11. I had to use the bathroom and sort of wake up to talk to my psych around 12. I wasn’t in any kind of mood but pain was already a 7 and I hadn’t done much moving around yet.

I was still sort of dozing and kind of wondering what to do today when 12 came and I called my psych. She didn’t answer so I left a message. She called me back a few minutes later and we talked. I didn’t say anything about the plans for next week other than my appointments. She wants the therapist to be in touch with her and she is reaching out again to the new psychopharm that I will be seeing end of the month. She said she should know what her plans are by then and that I will be the first to know what they are. Back of my head was saying that was good but I won’t be here.

I had to use the bathroom again an hour later. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. I am on my phone when she barges in so use the mouthwash. WTF. I was so fucking triggered because she closed the door and that always makes me nervous. I yelled at her and she is like it’s not like haven’t seen you before. WTF. I am a fucking adult who should be able to have some privacy when using the goddamn bathroom. Bad enough I have been dealing with the intrusive memories of what she did to me as a kid that now is just why the fuck am I still living with her. I just want to fucking die and that is the end of it.

Came back to my room and soon as I sat back down on my bed, pain shot up to a 10 and I was back to my suicidal mood again. I sent an email to my psych. I am supposed to be in touch with her Tues after my uro appointment. I am so apprehensive about it. I know I most likely will have to have an invasive test to see what is going on. I don’t know if I will go through with it as it is just creeping up the anxiety I have and making the PTSD stuff worse. Tentatively am planning on going to my location that day and rolling the dice.

I am not sure if the email that is in my drafts will be sent to my psych next week before rolling the dice. I can’t send it now and I really did not want to say what I had to say in an email. I wanted to mail it to her but I don’t have a physical address for her so that is out. I am sure I can probably get an address via Google but don’t think sending something to her home address would be a good idea. Fucking hate the institution she worked at for forcing her. I am just so angry.

I decided to make something to eat and that proved to be the death of me. I had just finished eating and was finishing up the rest of my coffee when pain just went berserk. It went up to a 12 and I literally could not do anything but force breaths out of my lungs. When the wave of pain slowly went down again, I put what I used in the sink and limped my way to my room. I couldn’t bear full weight on my damn foot. Going up the stairs was fun. I decided to at least put some clothes in my bureau and then I emptied my waste bucket by my bed. Within minutes of sitting back on my bed again the pain hit so damn hard I was breathless. I couldn’t see straight for the life of me. Pain is now a 12 maybe 13, from my ankle bone down the side of my foot. I can barely move as each movement hurts, even if it isn’t my foot. Trying to keep still is torture. I took my breakthrough meds even though I know a sugar pill would probably work better. But maybe it will bring the pain down to an 8 or 6 (doubtful, but could happen). My plans for a shower and doing something in my room are now gone. I got to take my recycling down to the bin and the trash, too. Guess that won’t happen today. I also wanted to package up some gifts for a few friends of mine that have a young child. Hope they will be happy with it. Also hoping my family mails it out should I go.

I am back to living by the hour and what that means is I don’t have a future. Everything seems to far away right now that even though Monday I see the therapist, it feels like years. I don’t know what will be happening tonight much less tomorrow. Monday is just too far away even though it is just a couple of days. An hour or minute is all I can handle right now. I am too overwhelmed with the pain and the suicidality that I can’t deal with anything else right now. It will topple the scales and I really don’t want to end my life in my room. The therapist said I was a pessimist and when I told her it was my middle name, she said she would update my medical record. Hard to be optimistic when you feel so hopeless.

any thoughts?

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