It was sad, it was tragic

Been having a bad day. Since I woke up, I felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. Wish I could have just stayed in bed all day but can’t do that while inpatient. I just felt so defeated I didn’t get discharged yesterday so i could attempt today or tomorrow. I asked to be discharged and was refused. Doc again misgendered me, despite the CM correcting her. Later the CM told me she doesn’t know why she is not adhering to my pronouns as it is in my chart I am male. I sent a complaint in. I don’t give a fuck. This is just disrespectful at this point and no, I cannot let it roll off my back.

The CM and Chaplin told me that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. I must be also making up the pain as well. Course they aren’t with me right now as my ankle/foot are throbbing so fucking bad and the malleolus is being stabbed repeatedly. Just feel like I’ve been invalidated all day today. All I can think of is I will be free in a few days from this hell hole and then I can put my plan to action. I made that up and will follow through next week. Probably before my supposed appts with the therapist and psychopharm.

I met with the reporter that is doing a book on suicide. Spent two hours talking to him. It went well though my ankle didn’t like it after. I am in so much pain right now but it is worth it. Least the data I am providing might help someone. Never thought I wouldn’t complete it.

I am tired and tonight I am reminded of why I want to kill myself. Most of the day I wasn’t suicidal. Maybe passing thoughts but when I was meeting with the CM I told her straight out I will be dead when I leave here. Don’t think she believed me. Her loss when I don’t call her in three month like she wants me to. She wanted me to do volunteer work and I told her my LTD doesn’t allow it. She said she will talk to them. Ok. I then asked are you my social worker now? And she said yes. She is whacked. She said she is going to give me her number. She is wasting her time.

I am in awful pain. It was more than two hours that I sat in a chair today. Spent an hour talking to the CM and then another hour with the chaplin. So 4 hours and my ankle is thanking me right now. Malleolus is being stabbed. And the suicidal stabbing has started. If I had lido I would use it right now. No idea what else I can do. Maybe diclofenac gel. I’ll see if I can get it before end of shift.