Depression is getting worse
Wed I was in a bad mood. I had therapy and psychopharm appointments that day. I didn’t want to go to either of them. I had started to lose the will to live and it has continued. Wed I also found out my godmother died. She was 95. I’ve been in a weird mood since she died. Haven’t been eating much so lost more weight. I told the psychopharm about it. She doesn’t seem that concerned. I told her I had lost the will to live. Nothing matters to me anymore. They (therapist and psychopharm) are going to have me see a psychologist in behavioral medicine to help me work on more trusting relationships with medical professionals.
Anyways, therapist wants me writing every day as “self-care”. Today has been the first day I have been alert enough to sit up to write. Been having such a hard time on days that I don’t have anything to do. I just stay in bed all day. She wants to be accountable to writing but I don’t think she understood what I meant. But then, I have no idea what I meant. Things have been so damn difficult and with the Wake and Funeral on Tues it is going to be so damn hard. I am going to have to get dressed up before leaving for therapy as I don’t think there will be time to change and stuff, given the way my energy levels have been like lately. I just got to be careful not to spill nothing on it. The clothes will be loose as I have lost so much weight in the past year. I don’t know if I have a waist 38 pants anymore. Whoo just checked my closet and had two pair of pants that are a size 38. I don’t know how they fit. They are dusty so I got them in the washer now. I am glad I didn’t empty my closet when my sister moved in. I would be without clothes.
I’ve barely slept the past 24 hours. I was up all night worrying about a friend. She had sent me a message saying that she was going to have surgery in the morning. She is in England so when I responded this morning asking how she was, she said she didn’t have it done as there would be no use. The damage will still be there. I feel bad as I know I am going through a similar fate. I need to shower and then pick up my meds tomorrow. Those are the only things I have to do. If I can shower, it will make going to the store better. I don’t know if I will have energy for both. Mood just sucks so bad. I wonder if I will ever care enough to live long enough to buy a suit. I never owned one, not even a sports coat. I was asked to be a pallbearer. And the only reason I wanted to say no was because I didn’t have a suit. I’ve never been a pallbearer before. I am honored to be asked. Just hope I don’t drop the casket. I will be horrified.