You are king so go into the light…

You are king so go into the light…

These are the words the voices have been telling me since Tues. I haven’t had commanding voices that were severe until tonight. I contacted a couple of friends and they helped me to get through until the medication kicked in. It has been a week that the voices started. This never bodes well. I know it is because of the stress of the death of my aunt and going to the wake and funeral. My family is very loving so it wasn’t like I was awkward or anything. I just didn’t want to say goodbye to my aunt. It hurts so bad having her gone. But she has been gone longer than her physical body ceased to exist. Parkinson’s dementia made her into a shell of a person that just became silent and I think that was when we really lost her. I feel so bad for my cousins who watched her deteriorate. It must have been so painful and I really hate that this disease not only affected my aunt, but her son and his family.

I seem to have caught the family crud that has been making its rounds to all the family members. I am congested. I took a mega dose of vitamin D and will take another tomorrow to ward off the virus. I had my flu shot so I hope I don’t get a strain that is not in the vaccine. I honestly haven’t been really sick since 2008 when I got double pneumonia. God I was ill for a month and took forever to get my strength back.

Beginning of Dec I have a lot of appointments. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist that was assigned to me when my psych left. If the NP does not give me my Ativan, the way I take it and a 30 day supply, I will go back to him. I am tired of this “discussion” where it is only her points she wants me to see not mine. And I don’t think it is a good idea to mess up someone’s med regimen because of long-term effects. I just cannot tolerate this. I see the NP Monday and I will calmly explain that I understand her concerns but I do not care about the effects.

I hadn’t peed in six hours so I cathed and as I was doing so, it was a long void. I was trying so hard not to clamp off the catheter but a spasm occurred and urine flow stopped. Now I have to try again so I don’t wake up before 6 am. I am going to try in about a half hour or when I am finished with this blog, whichever comes first. I really hate that this is my life now. That I will be having to catharize myself forever now or end up in the emergency room because I don’t have the urge to pee. I feel so humiliated. Just increases the suicidality. I found out today at the OT appt that this is nerve damage. I thought it might be due to medication but she said not according to the urodynamic study. I feel really sad about this. It’s just another nail in my coffin. I can’t take my back constantly being broken down and worrying about facing surgery all the time.

Monday I am supposed to talk with a behavioral med psychologist. I hope it isn’t because my “team” told him I was not compliant with my care, meaning not taking my medication or skipping appointments, etc. I go to mostly all of my appointments except if there is good reason not to, like feeling sick or being in pain. I just am having a major problem with the urine thing because it just screams at me that I am disabled where before I knew I was but I really didn’t want to face it. Now it is staring at me in the face and I can’t deal. The depression is making me feel like I would be better off dead. And now the voices I should just take a bottle of pills so I can be king to go into the light. I have already decided I am going to end my life before my next birthday. It is just a matter of time and a few weeks away. I just hope I don’t end up back in the hospital when I see the NP next week. I don’t know if she will think going into the hospital will be a good idea and I hope she doesn’t because it is NOT a good idea, especially before a holiday. Just really bad to go into the hospital around a holiday.