you never loved me like I loved you

You never loved me like I loved you

I am listening to Brett Young because his song “Mercy” is in my head. I am feeling low. Despite the soundwaves bothering me, I am listening to music because I need the distraction. I wish I could say that I had some kind of day but I can’t. I’ve been sleeping most of the day. I have no recollection of when I went to bed. I know that I took heavy duty drugs as I feel so hung over. I said in a tweet that I “OD” on gaba but whatever I took was not gaba as I was so out of it. I wet my underwear because I woke up too late to get up to pee. When I did get up I was a fucking zombie. I really haven’t drank anything. I tried the last few hours as I needed to take some miralax as the bowel have been stuck. Now that it’s about midnight, I think they are going to unleash.

I thought about telling either the psychopharm or therapist or both about what happened last night but I don’t think I am going to be cause I am too afraid of being punished. Or worse, being forced into another hospitalization. I am not saying I don’t need to be in the hosp, I probably do, but I don’t want to go there because my ankle is being a fuck right now and if I can’t control it with my meds at home, there is no way I would be able to control it while on a unit somewhere. Worse case is that the NP restricts my meds to a two week thing which will suck. I am so afraid of that happening because I am so suicidal but I don’t have any intention of overdosing on my meds. I just want to take ginger or a knife to the chest to end things.

Last night I was curious on how my psychologist friend died. I did a google search and found out. I wish I didn’t. He died by suicide. I broke into a million pieces. He is the second friend of mine to die this way in the last five years. I wish there was something I could have done to prevent it. He had been posting just once a day, which is kind of not like him. I met him on Twitter. I even went to his office to drop off cookies. We talked about cooking and stuff. He loved to cook. He sent me this awesome Christmas recipe for a cake that I love so much. It is Nantucket Cranberry cake. It is so damn good. I am hoping to get some ingredients tomorrow for my chocolate zucchini bread. I want to give some to my therapist and to share some to my friends on Thanksgiving. I don’t think she will mind a few pieces gone. Least, I hope so. I would make two, and maybe I will. I have never been good at separating batter so I might have to make it twice so I can have some for breakfast. I really love it. Sucks I was out of it today as I wanted to make cookies. Guess it will have to be another day for that. I just want to make the zucchini bread and that will be all. I think I can do it both at the same time so I don’t have to wait for one to be done for the other to go in the oven. HA. Genius!

One thought on “you never loved me like I loved you

  1. hugs. i’m so sorry your psychologist friend died by suicide. just goes to show it could literally happen to anybody any walk of life. hope the zucchini bread turns out good. xoxo

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