I have been having trouble with the bathroom since surgery. My right butt cheek is numb and so is part of my genitalia. I thought it would have recovered by now but tonight after a bowel movement, I couldn’t feel myself at all. I knew I was touching myself but the feeling of wiping was not there. Now I know I have CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) again and I am not happy about this. It is awful because I don’t know what kind of bowel prep I will need down the road. I am being frank about this because it is my life and now I have to deal with it. It is just complications from surgery and may go away with time but I know it will be painful. It always is. I am not looking forward to the burning pains or the other kind of neuropathic pains you get from nerve injury.
I have had a rough night and I should be sleeping but my brain is awake. I thought writing for a bit might calm it down some as it always does when I am restless. I went downstairs to my sister’s apartment for dinner and birthday cake for my brother in law. Today was his birthday. He was drunk as he was so difficult to handle. He would deny being drunk though if asked. He talked about the Orange Menance being a joke. Like we didn’t know this. It is all over the fucking news every day about him being in office is a joke. I just don’t understand why he still is there and not in jail but then I don’t want the zombie VP to be president because that would be worse.
Tonight’s discussion followed the good and bad of Jesus and the devil. My niece who is a scientist tried to intervene scientifically in the realm of things but alas was not listened to. It just came down to a matter of what your perception of god and jesus and the devil was and how good/bad a person you were. Thankfully the conversation ended there. I was feeling out of it because I still am not feeling good. I feel like shit on a platter. I did too much tonight by staying in the conversation and sitting for as long as I did. I should be out but I am still up because of this nervous energy I have. Mostly concerned that I won’t gain back my feelings again, the numb parts of myself that is new.
I have not dealt with this in some time. I was hoping it wasn’t going to happen. I am 11 days post op so I am still healing. I am just dreading it because I now have to be careful with my stomach. I have to watch what I eat and drink and take for bowel control. I fear that if I should have loose stool, I might not be able to feel it should it get loose loose. I would hate having to wear diapers again because of this. I was feeling fine until all this. Now I feel anxious and timid. I am not depressed though so that is something. I know that if I do lose my control of my bowels it will be a different matter. The loss of dignity that goes there is so great and there is no recovery from it. Some have laughed it off but only after years of dealing with it. This is still new to me and I just cannot fathom laughing this off after pooping my pants. I have a hard time even when I pee my pants, which thankfully hasn’t happened in some time due to the retention. I am still having to cath myself a few times a day. The last few hours I have been able to void on my own so I am taking that as a good sign that cathing might be a thing of the past soon. But it all depends on how things go. I know there are times I still don’t get the urge to pee. I am also waking up in the middle of the night to pee because I drink too much or my bladder just decides 3 am is a good time to use the bathroom. I hate the disruption in the night because my sleep is wonky as it is without the added bladder trips. I take anticholinergic meds at bedtime so they make me thirsty which really sucks when trying to sleep through the night. I need to talk to my urologist about this. Maybe she has some suggestions. I don’t see her until the middle of May when I have to have some testing done again to see if my bladder function has improved after surgery. The uro thinks two months is a good time to gauge it. I hope she is right but I think it will be longer. These nerves take a long time to heal and a two month time frame is too short, in my opinion.