Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

I haven’t been feeling good all day. I have had a headache and neck pain from tension. I have been sleepy but haven’t slept. I feel really depressed and that life is not worth living. I have been trying to work on the DBT skill that my therapist gave me yesterday but I haven’t done more than look at it and think about how to do it. I am supposed to write about it. I got my therapy notebook for that. The skill is called ACCEPTS and each letter stands for something you need to do. For example, A stands for activities so you need to do something to help your mood. One of the things it lists is counting things like colors in a photograph. Just mundane things to get your mind off things.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. He said he is sorry that my depression is severe but he has high hopes the Latuda will help me. Fucker doesn’t want to change the celexa until after I get an EKG and we meet next. So tomorrow I might go get the EKG done. I don’t meet with him until Dec so I have plenty of time to get it done.

Part of the reason I feel so down today is because my ankle flared up. Pain got around 12 and has been hard to control. Feels like someone is hammering my ankle bone. I have been in bed all afternoon trying to keep off it. I think doing things the past three days have worn me out. I posted on Facebook how I was feeling and people misunderstood my depression as this time of year thing. I get depressed year round so I don’t think it has to do with the darkness. I was told to find joy in something because there is always something to be joyful about. Yeah right. I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. It was probably months ago when I had my first surgery and I was feeling the effects of the anesthesia. I had a bowl of ice cream and felt joy while eating it. That was the last time I felt joy. Haven’t felt it since.

I can’t bear the pain in my ankle anymore today. It is so bad and I don’t know why. Temps are a little warmer than they were yesterday. I don’t know if there is supposed to be a storm coming or what. Think I read there were hurricanes across Central America. They could be on their way up here, which could be causing me pain. Right now it feels like I have barbed wire wrapped around my ankle. It is so damn sore. I took some melatonin so I can sleep. Think I will take some gabapentin for the barbed wire feeling. Can’t hurt. I will take a bunch so I can be stupid. Maybe it will help me sleep for longer periods. I just hope the melatonin doesn’t cause two hour sleep increments. I hate that. I can never sleep through for more than four hours lately. I am always waking up between 2 and 3 hours of sleep. No wonder I am tired all the time.

One thought on “Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

  1. Sometimes people’s well meaning comments can feel insulting. I just want to say “wow, thanks! I’m cured!”. Like I haven’t thought to just “look at the bright side” or “try going outside” or “look for the joy in life”. Like I’m not choosing to be depressed because I’m not trying hard enough to be happy. I get that they’re trying to help, but it’s kind of insulting because they’re assuming it’s something I can control when it’s not.
    I’m sorry your doctor isn’t will yo help until next month. Hang in there. 💙

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