PT pain and torture
I went out in the snow to my PT appointment and I left with being in more pain than I was. But it was a different kind of pain. I am very sore and can barely move my arm but I got to keep moving it. I am putting heat on it right now to try and soothe it.
After PT, I went grocery shopping. I bought a lot of coffee and just a half gallon of half and half. I also bought some burgers that I will make tonight for dinner. I am supposed to wash clothes but I am hurting too much. I am very depressed and feel like crying. The floor guys didn’t come because the helper has Covid. They won’t be able to work on the areas in two weeks. My mother isn’t going to like this. She was looking forward to going back upstairs this weekend.
I had therapy yesterday and it went ok. We talked a lot about safety as my suicidal levels are high right now due to pain. She wanted me to write it down the things we talked about. I was reluctant at first because it is the same thing over and over again. I added to take medication and she was for it. She asked if I will do the things I wrote and I said I will try it. I probably am not going to call a hotline.
I had zoom with my cousins tonight. One of my older cousins still calls me my deadname and “lady”. I hate that at every meeting I need to remind her of my name and pronoun. I even have it in my zoom profile G (he/him) so I don’t know what the problem is. Fuck. I was telling my therapist yesterday that my mother still calls me daughter, especially for medical stuff. It is so hard to bring up. I feel like she is ashamed of me.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I kept on waking up every few hours in pain. Then I don’t know what happened but my right foot was under my left foot and it (right) jerked, causing my toenails to scratch me. It hurt pretty bad and there is a long scratch on my ankle. My niece put bandaids on it. It is still painful because I have no skin on the bone of my ankle. I don’t know how it happened. So weird. I hope I can sleep tonight.