Coffee, an omelet, and Taylor Swift
I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder was going to explode if I didn’t so I got up. As I was cathing, I got the urge to crap. I wasn’t even done emptying my bladder so I quickly sat down and my bowels let go. Better in the toilet than on the floor. The Miralax is working. I brushed my teeth after I washed my hands. It seems I am brushing every other day these days. I still haven’t made an appointment to have my teeth filled. I am too nervous about it. I came back to my room and checked my messages. My PCP has prescribed another calcium channel blocker for my hypertension. I am going to pick it up after my appointment with the uro NP.
I went downstairs to make coffee. My mother was in the kitchen so I asked her if she would make me an omelet as I never made one. She showed me how so I am going to try tomorrow. I had another cup of coffee and now I am listening to Taylor as I have a couple of hours before my appointment. I created a playlist last night that has her four newer albums. 91 songs, 6h 15 min long. I have more Taylor songs than any other artists. The only artist close to Taylor would be Mary Chapin Carpenter. I haven’t heard her in a long time. I tried listening to her during Christmas but I listened for an hour and then went back to Taylor. I don’t have Taylor’s Christmas album on my phone but I have her CD somewhere.
Every time I hear “Better Man”, I think about my father. If he was a better man we might have had a better relationship. I remember the day he died I must have looked at him for 5-10 mins in complete disgust at what he had become. I just hated him so much and I wanted nothing to do with him yet here I was at his deathbed with my sisters. I still remember the ambulance ride to his apartment and I was praying that he didn’t die in the ambulance because his breathing changed. I knew he was going to die that day. Something in me told me so. He lasted about 2 hours at home. I remember the day all the time, from taking the T with my sister to the nursing home and then taking him home via ambulance because my sister insisted he die at home.
My feet have been cold all day so I put on some wool socks that I bought. They are toasty. There is a snow emergency in effect soon and because it is supposed to snow all day tomorrow, I rescheduled my grocery order for Sunday as there were no slots available for Sat. Sat I go for Covid testing. I hope the roads are ok by then. We are expected to get like eight inches but I bet it will be less than that. The temps haven’t been that cold.
I just read on Twitter that gender affirming hormone therapy seems to decrease suicide and depression among youth. I can’t help but wonder if I had started hormone sooner if my depression would have resolved or stayed the same like it has the past year or so. I am not as suicidal as I was but I am still depressed and that can be from the trauma I have experienced in my childhood. I am entering my 4th year on therapy. I had severe depression in 2019, a few months after I started. I still don’t know how I am alive today as I was so determined to end my life that year. I did attempt and I guess not succeeding changed me a little bit. I can’t explain it. I just remember attempting and then after it didn’t work, go on with my day like nothing happened. I had a concussion at the time.