Be gentle with yourself
I finished Cry of Pain and the last page of the book had me awed. It delivered a message of hope to those who are trapped. The next to last line was basically saying to be gentle with yourself. I have read hundreds of self-help and psychology books but none had delivered this kind of message. I found it soothing.
I had a hard time waking up today. My med alarm went off and I just laid there. An hour later I had to pee so I took my meds before going to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like facing the day so went back up to my room and went back to bed. I slept until 1pm. I was hungry and was craving pancakes. I had to pee again so I got up though I really didn’t want to. I used the bathroom and then made some coffee and heated up some pancakes.
I came back to my room after I ate and wondered what to do. I had to shower and I still haven’t done so. It is warm in my room and I am sweating. It is 63 degrees out today. I am glad it didn’t rain like it was supposed to. The snow off the back porch has melted. I hope that is the last of the snow for the season. I finished reading the book and now I am tempted to start a new one but am hesitant to do so for some reason. The book, Brief CBT for suicide prevention, is dense and has a lot of stuff in it. I am sure it will be useful for therapy. I just don’t know if I want to dive into another suicide book. This will be the 3rd in a row that I have read. I still kind of wish I could go to Starbucks and read there to break up the monotony of reading in my room.
I wish I could say that even though the Cry of Pain gave me some kind of hope at the end, I still am quasi suicidal. I have been thinking of ways to possibly live with the possibility of the surgeon denying my top surgery. I could just go on. I don’t think I can though. Not this time. This has to do with my body and how I feel about it and I just can’t go on with the things on my chest. I am trapped in my body and I have nowhere to go. I can’t be “me”. And I don’t think I can live with that. It is too painful.