Been really depressed past few days.
I’ve been really down the past few days. I haven’t been able to think much or care about anything. I have been trying to keep up with this blog as it is my only saving grace but some days it is very difficult to write.
I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my bad dreams and about my mother “owning” me. She wouldn’t tell me outright that my mother didn’t own me. I had to have a friend tell me this. I was then able to process it a little bit better. I feel like if she owns me then I can’t have surgery because this is “her body”. I know it may sound stupid but it is all trauma. That is what my therapist kept saying over and over. I need to have this surgery in order to feel more masculine, to be me. It is hard because a few months ago my mother said that she owned me and that I was her “daughter”. This is just some fucked up imagination that my mother has. She thinks that because she brought me into this world that I am hers. That is not what a parent should do. I am so damn conflicted. I said that I was fucked up and my therapist said I was. Thanks. I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear from her.
After session, I became suicidal. I remembered the pills I bought to end my life. My therapist didn’t know it at the time. But we talked this morning and now and she knows. We are having a session Friday to discuss it. She asked me if I was safe. I told her I was. I kept on having fantasies about taking the meds and surviving. I was found in time to be saved. I doubt that will happen if I do it. I am not going to be stupid and text my therapist I am going to do it. That is just dumb. I won’t tell her goodbye.
I have dreams of ending my life, even before having top surgery. It is all because I know that I will still be in pain regardless if I have breasts or not. I will still have CRPS. That isn’t going anywhere. It makes me so depressed thinking about it. I am in so much grief of not having a life that I dreamed of. This really kills me. Because of my mental illness, I can’t finish my degree. I also don’t have the money to do so, even if I somehow managed it.
I made an appointment with my pcp for this week. I also see her next week but that is to discuss my pain meds. I need to talk to her about my orgasms. The last time I climaxed it hurt my legs as they just spazzed out and then cramped on me. Then there are times where I can’t seem to feel myself no matter how I rub my clit. The tissue just doesn’t seem to want to get excited. I know part of this is because of my nerve injury. I have never talked to a professional about this before.
I need to take a shower today. It is another hot one. My hair is so icky, filled with sweat and just dirty from not washing in a few days. Actually maybe longer than that. I don’t remember when I showered. I have been brushing my teeth though. I am on a 9 day streak.
I might go for a walk to the mailbox today. I need to mail my voting card thing. I know I am going to sweat like mad because of the heat so I am debating holding off on the shower. I got a headache so I might just shower and shave. I plan on going out tomorrow to get my haircut so will mail my voting thing then. I really don’t like my hair long like it is. Every time I look at myself I hate myself. I just look so ugly. It fuels the suicidal feelings I have. I feel like I should die. I will one day. Just hope it is soon.