Miserable day but I got my haircut
I wasn’t feeling that great when I woke up today. I had some dreams but they were just weird, not bad. Ankle was buzzing but wasn’t painful. I left early to go to Starbucks to get my mocha and a lemon loaf. I also had to get cash from the ATM to pay my barber. I drank some of my mocha and then when it was a few minutes before my appointment time, I left for the ATM. My new savings account doesn’t appear to be linked to my ATM card. I went to three machines and I couldn’t get the money out so I had to transfer the money to my checking to get it out. I need to call the bank and find out why this is happening.
The additional steps walking to the different machines and back to my barber’s shop killed my ankle. My pain is now a 10. I bought some food and now my tooth is bothering me. I also had a bowel movement finally but it was very painful. I am still in a lot of pain. I think it is nerve pain and there is nothing I can do about it. This pain has been going on since before I left the house. It is going on for five hours now. I posted on Twitter that I wanted to just open a bottle of pills and down them. I honestly don’t know what is stopping me. I texted my therapist that I was glad I was seeing her tomorrow. Now I want to text her I don’t know what is stopping me from taking a bottle of pills. Honestly think it is because I just don’t have the energy to do it. I am so tired from my walking around to get to ATMs. I just want to go to sleep now that I have eaten a big meal, my only meal for the day.
The other day, the only meal I had was a package of mac and cheese. It was one of the bigger bowls of Velveeta. I like it because it is filling. Last night, I just had half a grilled chicken salad with some mozzarella sticks. I got hungry after midnight so I had some fig newtons. The serving size is 2 cookies. I ate like 14. I had to control myself not to eat the whole box. There were only 20 cookies in the package. Definitely not worth the price I paid for it.
I wrote out what I want to say to my pcp tomorrow. I figure that will be easier than saying out loud what is going on. I am glad I had a bowel movement even though it caused me severe pain. I thought with my activities I might have caused impaction. I am nervous about her examining me. It isn’t going to be pleasant. I really hope she examines my genitals to make sure they are ok more than exploring my behind.
I wrote out a sex story. That was fun. I have an idea for another story that I will write later this week.
I am feeling very depressed and suicidal but don’t have the intent to act on my feelings. I am very tired from going out today. I didn’t intend to walk all the way that I did. It caused such a flare up of pain. It is only 430p and I want to nap. I have been drinking a lot of water since I came home because I sweat so much while out. It was wicked hot today and humid. I need to rest my leg before it flares up too. I took a pain med and some ibuprofen for my toothache. There is nothing I can take for the nerve pain in my butt. It really sucks when it flares up.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to bed till 0530a. then I woke up at 8 to pee. All night all I thought about was emptying my bladder. I couldn’t rest because I felt like I had to empty even though I really wasn’t drinking that much, if at all. It drove me crazy.