Ramblings

I finally have had to refill two of my pens that I write with nearly everyday. It is because, even though I have over a dozen of the same pens, I have been favoring one over the others. I find this very exciting. I know I am a GEEK a pen conneiseur. But normally it would take me years to refill a pen but seeing as I have been writing more the past few months, my ink has run dry as clearly the letters to my therapist will show.
On Twitter, I have found my childhood crush, Wil Wheaton. He is probably one of the reasons why my mother thought I was straight. I like him but there is no sexual attraction. As he states,, he is just a guy. I admire him because he writes so honestly about himself.
In my previous blog I wrote about showering. It is difficult to take one not because I like being dirty but because I have anxiety. it is difficult to explain, partly due to it causing exhaustion and not knowing whether the shower will refresh me, invigorate me, or cause exhaustion. I took one today and it lead me to a three hour nap. I think my anti psych med might have something to do with this. I will take it tomorrow night to see if there is a change. Hopefully I won’t have the akethesia. I am only take half of what I should be taking but I am wondering if that is such a good idea as I have been having delusions about my leg. It is swollen due to unknown reasons and part of my brain wants to debride it of the poison. Despite elevation/ice/rest it still is swollen and it is bothering my psyche. I truly believe that is I cut it open I will get relief, and not in a psychological way, per se. I believe that once the poison is out, the swelling will go down and I will no longer have pain in my leg.  My psychiatrist thinks otherwise. She says it will not fix anything and could make things worse. This makes me angry because she doesn’t know this for a fact. Debridements happen all the time without further injury. I guess my delusions have out grown my common sense but I don’t care. Once I obtain the necessary equipment, I will hack into my leg to free the poison that has been there for months…