midnightdemons7

Too much

This might be a little cranky because I have not slept in more than 24 hrs. I am stressing over my finances. I don’t know if I have enough to cover everything because I was short at the start. I will find out tomorrow when everything clears. I feel like  a real loser. I just want to die and can’t find a reason to stay. I feel like my family hates me and would be better off if I wasn’t here.

I have tried to sleep today and no matter what I did, I couldn’t. I was in a lot of pain last night with my foot and ankle. This is the second time this week it has flared up. Only thing I can think of is the drop in temps. It went down to the 60s last night. It was nice but my room was still hot so I had to put the AC on. I was listening to music for most of the night until 2am and then I decided to read my book. It got a little complicated so I couldn’t read much. My brain just couldn’t hold on to what the material was talking about and I thought about my own racial biases growing up. I didn’t know what calling a Latino person a “spic” was wrong. Maybe I did deep down but everyone called them that like no problem. We, well, I wasn’t friends with that crowd. My sister was so I guess she knew. I never said the word outside of the house. We had Puerto Ricans move in the last year or two before we moved out. It was not good. They brought bugs and they smelled and they didn’t care. They listened to loud salsa music all the time. It was awful.

I didn’t shave or do anything today. I felt like I was in a haze. I laid down in the afternoon and lost track of time. It was close to five and I was like where did time go? I’ve just had interest in playing my game. I haven’t been on social media that much. Game is about to start but I am going to go to bed before I do something stupid. I just don’t feel right right now. I feel really sad. I didn’t get my meds. I will have to go in the morning.

Baking and showering

I slept ok after sleeping all day yesterday. I was so tired because I didn’t sleep the night before. I got up just before 11. I made a cup of coffee after I took my meds. I played my game. I didn’t know what to do today as I didn’t have therapy. I don’t have therapy all week because my therapist is on vacation. I made something to eat. Then I decided to make my chocolate zucchini bread.

My nephew was in the kitchen so I couldn’t sit and shred the zucchini. I had to make it as the zucchini was going bad. I kept checking the list to make sure I put everything in. I almost forgot the eggs. I kind of made a mess with the cocoa powder. I couldn’t find a “loaf” pan so used a baking pan for it. I will have to buy one when I can. It took an hour to cook and I burned my finger and thumb because I put the toothpick in too deep and one of the chocolate chips was on my finger and thumb and it was hot. I just hope I don’t have a blister tomorrow. It came out good but I had to put it back in for about 15 mins as it was gooey.

I had such stress this morning. I got an email from the 1 credit professor who asked to switch to another section because there was low enrollment and the class might be canceled. So I switched to something else. I don’t even remember the name of the class. But it meets on Monday after my history class. It also doesn’t have a book assigned to it. I hope the history class isn’t having the same problem.

After the bread was done, I shaved. I tried to shave with my electric shaver but my hair was too thick. I was able to do my face but couldn’t do my hair. I ended up getting razor burn under my chin. I took a brief break after I showered because bitch came home and I didn’t want her to put my clean clothes in the hamper.

I am now exhausted. The game started earlier than I was expecting. I think the reminder came in yesterday or something. I don’t know why new series gives me a reminder two days in advance. So stupid. My allergies have been killing me all day. Between my nose running and sneezing, it has been a day. I only had a chicken sandwich today and a little bit of the bread. Then I was full. I had an Ensure with my night meds. I have been trying to eat less and drink more fluids. I wish I could afford the protein shakes this place makes. They are so good. I should learn to make them but I hate clean up. Then bitch will yell at me and I won’t make them again.

My foot hurts. I don’t know if I will need to take my pain meds tonight. My muscles in my upper back and neck are hurting so I just took an Ativan. I had such cramps when I seeing my sister. I don’t think I will stay up for the game. They are leading right now and my favorite pitcher is on the mound. Game is tied at 3 right now. I am going to lie down and listen to Pandora for a bit.