the blahs have returned

The blahs have returned

I really tried to get out of bed when my body woke up around 1030. I just couldn’t. I lay there for another couple of hours and then I got up to use the bathroom and then make coffee. I was definitely in a mood as my mother said good morning a few times and all I could do was grunt. I hate it when people try to talk to me in the morning. Even while I was in the hospital I was like a grump. I had no caffeine there so I had no choice but be grumpy until I got my powdered eggs and cold potatoes. The food was always cold, not even lukewarm when it first arrived. I ate it anyway. I like the turkey sandwiches best anyway.

I really didn’t want to do a damn thing today and I haven’t except write this blog. I ordered food and it was okay. The pasta was overcooked, as you would expect when you order out. I just ate the chicken and artichoke hearts. One of these days I will call my dentist to get my teeth filled and my cracked tooth fixed. It always gets food stuck and then it takes me forever to get the food out of the space. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today. Next time I go to the bathroom I will.

I got my new insurance card. Same numbers, different color/name. Partners is now Mass General Brigham so I have their insurance plan. It is fine because I just go to MGH anyways for care. All my providers are there. The psych hospital was an affiliate of them, a merger that occurred a couple years ago or more.

It’s cool today but it is freezing in my room. I had to shut the fan off as my feet are frozen despite being under the blankets. I just want to go under them and sleep. I have been in bed more than anything. I just lie down. I hardly am able to sleep or nap. I ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. They didn’t have my favorite chips in stock. So I went without. It will be delivered between 10 and 2, my favorite hours to be awake. I seem to get things done during those hours more than any other time of day.

I was wondering what my pulse was so I took it along with my BP and it is 92. My BP is the best it has been in a week 126/82. Looks like the medicine is working the way it should. Maybe I don’t have to have an increase. I see my pcp Tues. for a follow up. I got a message today saying that if my pulse doesn’t come down, I might have to go on a low dose beta blocker. I haven’t had any palpitations today. I will probably get them tomorrow when I bring my groceries up the stairs. I have to order more Ensure as I have been drinking it for the calories for the Latuda. I need 350 calories for this medication.

My psychiatrist got back to me about the catatonia. He said that I am at risk for reoccurrence but it won’t be because of anesthesia. I am glad about that but am worried. I’ve had catatonia twice in my life so far. Both times I have been in the hospital when it has happened. Usually a traumatic memory brings it on. I have no idea how I was in the state for weeks after my medical hospitalization. I remember being on the psych unit being so damn paranoid as time went on. I thought the nurses were poisoning my food. I hardly ate. Then when I was home, I barely ate because nothing tastes good. I remember my sister had made me one of my frozen dinners and I was convinced she put detergent and bleach in my food. I wasn’t on any medication then. If I was, I don’t remember what I was on. My sister was giving me meds but I have no idea what they were. I don’t even think my pcp knew what I was taking because I couldn’t communicate with her. I couldn’t remember anyways. I had amnesia of all the events to that point. I swore I was a dead body. I remember I couldn’t really take care of myself but I constantly had to keep an eye on my mother. I wasn’t sleeping. My ears kept me up as I was constantly listening to make sure my mother didn’t fall, even if I thought she was a dead body and was kept alive with oxygen and water balloons. Guess I was psychotic.

this is me trying

This is me trying

I’ve had a boring day. I missed seeing the visiting nurse this morning because I couldn’t wake up. My med alarm went off and I promptly went back to sleep. I slept through the nurse’s calls. Oh well. I got up around noon and had two cups of coffee and leftover pizza. The coffee did nothing for my energy levels.

I called the surgeon’s office. My top surgery is scheduled for March 28! I am so damn excited. It is finally going to happen. Now I just got to stay healthy for it to go through. I see the surgeon the beginning of March for formalities and will have the anesthesia call that afternoon. I still haven’t told my other sister and mother about the surgery. I think I will do that when the time is nearer. I just hope I can still be independent and not need a nurse to come to the house.

I got into an argument with my baby sister today. She called me to see how I was doing and I told her. She asked if I made any progress with my room and I said I am slowly working on it. I still have to make room for my AC as my sisters threw my stuff into the space I put it. I told her this and then she is like do this and that and this and this. I got mad and was like one thing at a time. She then got mad at me and said I was quick to anger. Then she hung up on me. Whatever. She does this all the time and doesn’t see it as a problem. She always adds things to one thing that can be done like it all needs to get done at once. So I just tried to take a nap but couldn’t because my damn bladder kept needing to be emptied.

I messaged my pcp about my pulse rate being high. Basically the response I got back was to live with it. It makes me fucking anxious when my pulse is high and I have palpitations. Eventually the rate goes down but by then I am a nervous wreck. Doesn’t help that every time I go up the stairs my heart pounds in my chest. I get so out of breath also. It sucks. I am so deconditioned it’s not funny. I don’t start PT until the week before Christmas.

I’ve decided to go back to reading a history book. I love reading about the colonial period to the end of the Civil War. The book I am going to start reading is on the American Revolution and how American got started. It’s been a long time since I read a history book. I was going to read about the Civil War but I don’t know what I did with the books or where they are. I would like to read Lincoln’s Melancholy again. The book is buried right now so I can’t get it but maybe I will if I am able to clear out some space for things. I only have so much space to move things.

difficult night sleeping

Difficult night sleeping

I had a difficult night sleeping last night. I was plagued with memories of the past three months and it was troubling because the memories were not real. They were just figments of my imagination but I thought they were real. I eventually settled down and fell asleep around 2am. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I slept until my bladder needed to be emptied. My aunt came over and so I had coffee with her and my mother. It was a good time. My aunt was loud and made jokes about things.

I got a call from the surgeon’s office late afternoon yesterday. I am so fricken excited. I got to return the call tomorrow because the lady isn’t there today. My surgery is going to happen and I cannot fricken wait. I have been looking forward to this surgery since I was thirteen. I can’t believe this is going to finally happen.

I ordered pizza for lunch. My sister wanted me to have pizza for dinner. I passed. I still have half a box left, which will be my lunch tomorrow.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist about the upcoming surgery. I just asked if it is going to be ok for me to undergo anesthesia and not become catatonic again. It was a really freaky experience I don’t want to relive.

I took a shower today. It made me so damn tired. I am still fighting sleep. It will be bed time soon enough. I will be taking my night meds shortly. I will probably listen to someday by Rob Thomas for the millionth time tonight. It is my favorite song and still gives me the feels every time I listen to it. I miss baseball so much.

a burger and a coke

A burger and a coke

I wasn’t planning on having anything but Ensure today but I have been craving a burger so I got it today. It was good. I listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I ate it. I had planned on mailing a somethings but I still have not left the house. I got the fuck its bad today. I just want to stay in bed all day. My new razor came today. I am on the fence on shaving now. I don’t know if I want to grow my beard or shave. It is a good length right now so I really don’t want to mess with it. I’ll let it grow some more then decide.

I had therapy this morning. We talked about DBT skills and DBT itself. We went over the STOP skill. She showed me a video on it. It was a cute video and really animated how to use the STOP skill. STOP stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed. I think I can use it when I have the distress feelings like I did last night.

The surgeon’s office called today. Figures the one time I don’t take my phone to the bathroom I get an important phone call! I need to callback Wed as she is out tomorrow. UGH. It is going to happen! I cannot fricken wait! I am so damn excited.

I need to take a shower because I don’t know when the last time I took one and I stink. I think I will take it before bed, right before I am to take my night meds. I bought some more face wash as someone keeps using my stuff. I found my shaving cream in the shower. I haven’t used it in three months so it wasn’t me that put it there. I still am missing my fusion razor. I am pissed it is missing because I had a Patriots handle. The new razor is the latest line in the Gillette series called Labs. We’ll see how good it is.

I finished the Linehan memoir last night. The last three chapters were a breeze. Now I am debating should I go back to Dune or should I read some more suicidology books. I do have another memoir to read that I bought that is psych related. A psychiatry resident wrote about his first year. It wouldn’t be the first time I read a book like this. House of God was similar.

I sent my pcp my blood pressure readings for the week. They have been high and my pulse has been high as well. I also asked them how to go about changing my sex legally as my birth certificate is basically wrong. I had to renew my license and because they now have a “REAL ID”, I had to use it as a legal thing. I still haven’t gotten anything from the RMV about a date going to get my ID. I hope it is before my license expires. All these fucking little quirks to just be who I am.