Sunday Blog 22 July 18

Sunday blog 22 July 2018

I was having some kind of dream and then in the dream, my ankle started hurting me. I woke up and sure enough, my ankle was hurting. I don’t know why. It was raining so maybe that was the reason. Rain is supposed to happen most of the week. I took a breakthrough med and tried to go back to sleep but I didn’t want to wake up three hours later to take my morning pills so I took them and then silenced the alarm. I slept for about four hours. My phone woke me up. My mother was calling me. She asked how I was and I said you woke me. I was in pain. I wanted to see her today but my sisters came up looking for her clothes she wanted and were leaving soon. I needed a shower and there was no way I was going to rush as my ankle would flare and I would be useless. I stayed home.

The ball game was delayed due to rain in Detroit. The Red Sox Twitter account said to follow the Tigers to find out when they would be playing. No one else was tweeting about the game so I followed them. Usually a few writers I follow keeps me informed but there was nothing. They hardly tweet during the game anymore so if I don’t listen or watch, I have no idea what is going on.

My ankle pain was up and down most of the day, in the same spot. Going up and down stairs were tough. I tried to stay on one floor. I was disappointed the game was delayed because I had the big TV all to myself as my mother wasn’t home. I made some fries for lunch. They are the worst fries in the world. I ate like half of them and couldn’t eat anymore. I cooked them for 25 minutes and they weren’t even crispy but they looked burnt. I don’t know. My nephew bought them accidently. He was supposed to buy another brand so we were stuck with these. I didn’t feel like making anything else. I watched the game until my ankle couldn’t stand it any longer. Then I listened to it in my room.

I called my mother around 1700 to see how she was. She was okay. She is still in a lot of pain. She walked two rooms so she is getting there, slowly. She hasn’t done stairs yet. I don’t think she will until she can walk a hallway or something close. The Sox won 9-1. Then my ankle flared up again. I still had dishes in the sink from my breakfast. I guess I will do them tomorrow.

My brother in law made a huge gravy. It was oily. I had some pasta and a couple of meatballs. My GERD is going to kill me later. I don’t know why my reflux has been so bad lately. Maybe the pill is wearing off. I’ve been on it a long time. I am afraid to tell a doctor about it only because I don’t want a tube down my throat. I’ve avoided it for 20 some odd years and would like to keep it that way.

Been re-reading Norse Mythology. My friend just read it and reviewed it. Gave it 4 stars. He gives most books he reads 4 stars. I don’t know why. It is a really good book. I read it the first time in a day and a half. I love this book. I don’t remember if I reviewed it. My friend gives detailed reviews, which I don’t do. I give a few sentences and then that is that. I don’t give a complete book report on what it was about like some people. That drives me crazy. I am too sleepy to read tonight. Hope when I lie down, I am not in reflux city.

Saturday Blog 21 July 2018

Saturday Blog 21 July 2018

Plain and simple, I didn’t do nothing today. Well, nothing exciting. I washed the dishes I didn’t do yesterday and then I emptied the dishwater. It took me about an hour to do the dishwasher because my back kept acting up from standing. I find it easier to put away the silverware and then do one row at a time. I didn’t put away the Tupperware because I hate doing so. I will try tomorrow.

I just ate the leftover food from last night’s meal. For some reason, my heartburn pill hasn’t been working this week. Last few days, I’ve had some serious heartburn and reflux. I didn’t take the pill last night to see how I did. Having a tomato sauce was probably not a good meal to have when you didn’t take heartburn meds. I just hope the reflux doesn’t happen. I took the pill tonight because I didn’t want to be burping up acid like I did last night. That was not fun.

I am not happy with my sister or brother in law as they put the bed together for my mother but didn’t take the plastic out to the garbage bin downstairs. They just stuffed it in my barrel for me to take out. WTF. My brother in law still didn’t level the step after the last step of the spiral staircase going out. I watched my step this time because I knew it wasn’t level. Asshole.

I had a weird dream about a baby needed to go potty even though they had a full diaper on. My sister had put on a little mermaid cover to the toilet so as I am trying to figure out how to take it off, the poor kid is peeing all over the place. I dream the weirdest stuff.

I talked to my mother today. I miss her. She was eating lunch so I didn’t talk with her long. She didn’t walk to far, just a few steps was all she could do. I hope she progresses. I am sure pain is the chief reason but she can’t tolerate anything stronger than Tylenol (paracetamol). I feel so bad for her. I probably am not going to be able to see her until Monday night or Tuesday. Depends on how I feel after therapy. I start seeing my therapist twice a week next week. It is going to be tough. It always wears me out. Hell, just washing dishes and putting away the stuff in the dishwasher wore me out. I needed a nap. I didn’t make coffee today. I just had tea.

It’s been a cool day. I think there are storms for tomorrow, which stink. I won’t be able to keep the back door open to let air in. Sox lost. I don’t know who was pitching. I didn’t listen to the game. For some reason, I wasn’t interested in it today. Maybe I will listen tomorrow. Sale is pitching. He has been pretty good but like anything, if he doesn’t get run support, it doesn’t matter how many strike outs he gets. He has a lot so far as he gets at least 10 per game.

I got an email from my Amazon publishing. I will be getting royalties next week. One I know I won’t get right away because it is the British pound. For some reason it takes a while to go through. The other is Kindle and they never say in the email how much I am getting. One time I got 7 cents. HAHA what am I going to do with that? I rather get something though. I worked hard on my books. I still got to promote my second one. I got the postcards staring at me. I just got to get the energy to go to the station and hand them out. I don’t know how else to do it. I haven’t sold too many to even have one review. Maybe one day.

Night out

I had another rough night sleeping and woke up via my med alarm, took meds, and went back to sleep. I got up around noon and made something to eat. I also made a cup of tea. I would be having espresso so I didn’t want to make coffee. I checked on my niece but she didn’t want anything to eat. I asked her twice. I tried.

The bus was extremely late and I just made it to my commuter rail station to get out of Boston. My friend was already there. We boarded the train and talked. My sister called just as we were pulling out. My mother was at the rehab. I had tried calling but no one answered.

I had a good time with my friends. Food was really good but I took my main course home as I was full from appetizers and soup. Always the case. Least I have lunch for tomorrow and dessert as no one could finish. It was such a nice time.

I am not having too much pain but I am not home yet. I am waiting for the bus home. I hope I don’t have too much pain. If I am up, I will read Norse Mythology. I started it the other night because I was bored. I have been switching between Poe and Norse. Least I am reading something. My friend gave me a book tonight. It is a short book so i might read it after one of them.

What if I live?

What if I live?

Been thinking seriously of ending my life in a few weeks. I plan dates. It helps me cope knowing I have some date to look forward to so I know the misery will end. Usually this happens in a state of despair when my pain levels are high and all I can think about is death.

But the next morning, after a few hours or more of sleep, I feel differently. Some mornings I cannot believe I sunk so low. Yet usually there is some record of it—a blog or email or social media post. It brings me back, temporarily, to that place and I wonder what if I live rather than go through the plan to die?

I have few events coming up in the next few months. Something to look forward to, so to speak, yet on the nights of despair, they are far from reach, unable to be thought about. Someone said that I should write goodbye letters. I wrote one to my psychiatrist. The other 19 people on my list is a little harder. I don’t have all my ducks in a row, so to speak, to end my life like I had planned way back in March. I was supposed to die in June. It is now the middle of July and I am still here. I do’t feel that getting help would be helpful to me. I have been in therapy for 27 years, that is nearly half of my lifetime. Yet I still remain as suicidally trapped as I did when I was 15 years old and wanted to seriously end my life then.

What if I live?

I don’t know the answer to this question. I just keep going, hoping the day won’t come where I’ll say I’ve had enough and go through with my plan. I don’t want to live. I am in too much physical pain. CRPS has taken so much from me. Might as well take my life as well. I’m not worth living.

I feel like I am crying wolf too many times. I don’t think anyone believes just how serious I am this time. But even I am not 100% convinced I will end my life on the day I planned. What if I live? What if I die? What if I am rescued in time? No one knows my plan. Hell, I don’t even know it completely. I’ve been too afraid of putting it forward because that will make it more real. Do I have to end my life? I feel I have to. I feel no one cares how bad I hurt. And not one medical professional wants to see my suffering end. I’ve had enough of fighting for my care. I had to do this since I was 16. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve run out of gas. If I live, I’ll continue to suffer just so my family and friends aren’t in pain. What kind of life is that?

I’ve been pushing through trying to hang on. I know the demons will pass in the morning. Hence I live to see another day. Hence I live, least until despair grabs a hold of me once again.

What if I live?

just a similar day

Just a similar day

I saw my mother this morning. She was in pain but doing better than I expected. She will be in the hospital till Friday and then go to rehab. I think she is there just to keep an eye on her sugars and such. Last night I really missed her and told her because I was not used to the quiet and it freaked me out. I kept trying to hear her and when I didn’t, I would panic until I realized she wasn’t home. It is going to take some getting used to. House is so quiet without her, mostly because the TVs aren’t blasting. But it is better during the day than at night as everything seems more quiet at night.

My ankle was kind of hurting when I came home. I made my niece some eggs as she was hungry. I thought that would stop her from eating Cheez Its but nope. When I went down a little later to make another cup of coffee, the bag was almost gone. I asked her if the eggs filled her she said yes. She is a teen. Oh well.

I got another fricken Spanish promotion thing from Xfinity/Comcast so I am going old school and mailing them a letter asking them to stop. It is a waste as it just ends up in the recycle bin.

I got to take a shower tomorrow. I can’t today or maybe I will later tonight if my pain goes down. It got worse when I made coffee. I had to take a breakthrough med. I had been doing okay the past few days, least during the day time, anyway. Night time is a different story. I turn into the midnight demon and mood sucks as well as pain soars. I am hoping to make a chili lime chicken burger for dinner. I had to defrost two because they were very stuck together. They are good. Very filling. I didn’t make bacon for breakfast as I didn’t have time. I just made egg and toast. And coffee. I got to clean everything when I am done cooking later. I have been trying to do as much as I can so it doesn’t pile up and become overwhelming.

It is hot today but no where near humid, thank god. I can take dry heat but when it is sticky, I hate it. I hate being in the sun anyway. I feel so exhausted. I can only imagine how it is going to be when I start the pain program, if I do anyway. I am going to be more demanding when I see the pain doc next in increasing my pain med dose because if I am in this much pain now just from seeing my mother in the hospital for a few hours, how am I going to deal with being out with PT and OT appts?? I won’t be able to tolerate more than an hour or two out. What is that?? Bad enough therapy days tire me out and I need a rest day. Maybe I can send a message to my PCP to get through to my pain doc. My psych certainly isn’t going to vouch for me, despite the many emails I sent her.

I read a couple of chapters of the Poe book last night. I got kind of bored with it but got a good quote from it. I didn’t have the punctuation right, which annoyed me as to why it didn’t make sense. I tweeted it out because it fitted the idiot in chief and the whole Russia thing. I am not too shocked that the buffoons in Congress let this fly yet again, this time with the whole fucking world watching. Supposedly, there are going to be more marches. There should be standouts. Blocking DC traffic until he is arrested for treason. If I could stand for hours, I’d be there. All these marches do is just inflate his distorted ego. He likes the attention, no matter how negative it is. In his warped mind, it is a “positive”.

Okay, I got a burger to make. Until tomorrow