no coffee for me!

No coffee for me!

I woke up around 1400. I didn’t get to sleep until 0700. It was a long night. I wanted coffee badly but my half and half went bad. I was too tired to go to the store to buy more and then make another cup. So I am not having coffee and I am very unhappy about it. I’ll go tomorrow to buy more.

I had a sound sleep though for some reason, my head likes to find the space between my two pillows, causing my neck to ache. I probably would still be sleeping if my bladder didn’t wake me up. I am glad I put my phone on “do not disturb” as I had a few messages and one missed phone call. I still am sleepy. I just had lunch and breakfast. I was hungry. I made a turkey, cheese, and cranberry sauce roll up and then had a couple of boiled eggs with toast.

I’ve only been awake for a few hours and already my ankle is killing me from making myself something to eat. FUCK. I took pain meds when I woke up as my mouth was hurting. Now my ankle is exploding. I am going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.

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in the pit of despair

In the pit of despair

I have been in severe pain since 1500, so basically the last 12 hours because it is now 0315. My foot and ankle have been playing the divide and conquer game, giving me different pain in different parts of my ankle and foot, all at once. I don’t like this game at all. I can’t keep up with the pain and I don’t know what medicine to use to alleviate it. It is very frustrating.

My jaw/face was swollen so I put ice on it. It brought down some of the swelling. It is still giving me a hard time though when I eat as it feels like food is stuck there but it’s not. It’s just inflamed gums. It is so annoying. Tomorrow I go back to using the yucky rinse that causes my tongue to tingle. Fun stuff. The dentist wanted me to use the toothpaste that he gave me but I told him that it hurts to brush just once, let alone twice. He said not to use it on the hurt area. I was like, that area is where you WANT me to use it, which is why you prescribed it to me, ya Schmuck. I am not using the special toothpaste until my mouth is healed. My mouth, my choice.

I am trying not to get depressed but that is easier said than done. I feel my heart imploding and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts and no amount of pain meds can take it away, as if it were that easy. Matters of the heart are never solved by medication. What it is solved by remains a mystery. The internal hurt that never goes away.

I was thinking of my father today. I have been flooded with memories of how he treated me, not all good. For some reason, while trying to organize the pics on my phone, his pics from when I got them loaded on my phone, including the one of him in his casket, are first in the order rather than the most recent ones that I have taken. I never thought I would forgive my father for his wrongdoings because he would never admit that he did something wrong. We were the ones that “made him” do the things to hurt us. As time is going by, and he is no longer here, I am finding a sense of peace from him knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. No more calls, no more threats, no more vengeance to the people he hated. Most people would say that my father is in heaven but I know better. He is either in Hell or purgatory. He never apologized for his sins before he died and he never would because “he did no wrong”. Asshole. But the bastard is on my mind these past few days. I got to put the pics of him in some kind of folder so I don’t come across them so frequently or it is going to drive me mad, well, madder than I already am.

I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook and a depression support group. Both are very busy and take up a lot of my feed. I’m not sure if I am going to stay in the depression group. People there are really rock bottom depressed and it doesn’t make me feel hopeful that things will be better. The other group, I am not sure about either. There is a lot of talk about suicide and suicide attempts though the rules state you can’t be talking about it. I have posted my story and someone there thinks I have season affective disorder because for three months I am depressed and suicidal. Being suicidal is not part of the SAD criteria. I have no other symptoms of being depressed other than being in despair and wanting to end my life, and of course, psychache. Those three symptoms are no where near the SAD criteria so I do not have SAD. It is part of the bipolar cycle. Most people with bipolar disorder will have this downfall about now through the fall. Studies have confirmed it. I think it is in the book Night falls fast or maybe touched with fire both by Kay Redfield Jamison. I am always good at remembering shit like this but not the source. It is my downfall.

Even though I feel despair, I really just feel nothing. I am numb. My heart is so heavy I can’t feel anything. I just want to be done with this. Being in pain sucks every day. One of the groups thought being in physical pain would be better than psychache. I said I thought the same until I had chronic pain and now it just makes me want to end my life all the more. I wonder what keeps me here, from not acting on my feelings and thoughts of suicide. They are frequent but more tolerable. Sometimes it is a passing thought, but tonight it is on my mind a lot. I haven’t picked a date or anything. I haven’t done that in months. In some ways, I think not seeing my ex-therapist has helped me be calmer about my suicidality rather than keep it heightened.

My psychiatrist has been trying to get me into a pain support group for months now and every time we get in touch with the coordinator, we are met with red tape. I really don’t care for this group. It can go to hell. But my psych really wants me to go to it. She thinks it can help me. I rather just not exist anymore. I mean, what is the point? I stay in my room most days and only go out when I have an appointment or feel like getting an espresso. Some days when I don’t leave the house, I don’t even make coffee. It has been having the opposite effect on me lately, making me tired rather than awake. I sleep. I have no friends outside of social media to talk to or hang out with. I am alone. I kind of like it but being in severe pain lately has really spun me around. I have been thinking of the plan that I came up with while in the hospital. I am just too cowardly to do it, I think. I just want to be gone. Away, permanently. Why is that so hard to understand??

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Fat Friday cancelled

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.

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bad day at the dentist and other things

Bad day at the dentist and other things

I went to the dentist to have my gum looked at as it was still sore. He didn’t do the filling on the other side as he basically had to redo the filling where my gum was inflamed. He then told me the bad news, that I needed a crown or an extraction, possibly a root canal on that tooth. I have no idea if my dental insurance will cover it. I know the last time I needed a root canal it cost me like $1500 as a down payment before they did any work, and that was with my insurance.

The work he did today is going to leave me sore the next couple of days. He said the filling was down to the bone. Not good. I go back to see him next week to see how things are. I wanted to go to Starbucks for coffee but my mouth is very numb. I will be numb the next couple of hours so maybe tomorrow I will go to the Square.

I had a bad dream early this morning. I don’t know why. I usually just have weird dreams. But I woke up feeling scared and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I then played with my phone until I felt sleepy. When I came back from the dentist, my mother had made some peppers and eggs. I was starving so I had some, being careful not to chew on the side that was numb.

I was really tired after the dentist so took a nap. It was cool today so I shut off the AC but after my nap, I was really hot. I never mailed my friend’s card. Dammit. I texted her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. I would have loved to go out to see her rather than see the dentist today. I know it would have made her day.

Last night, I had my blog stats spike. I had over 100 views. My top three were my home page, the therapist blog from the other night, and Knackered, in that order. It was people from the US that was reading. It gave me a boost mentally. I usually average around 50 views a day so more than doubling that felt really good.

I think I am going to read Tom Sawyer. I am way behind in my reading. I want to read 30 books this year and right now, I have only read 7 for the year. I need to be better on reading books rather than Twitter or Facebook all day. Maybe I should put a timer on or something so I am not spending all day on social media. Twitter has just got me feeling scared of my country’s future as long as Cheeto is still in charge. I wish they would impeach him already because it is obvious he isn’t going to resign. He likes the power too much. It’s really sad.

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feeling helpless and hopeless

Feeling helpless and hopeless

I went to bed late, after 0200. I wanted to watch a movie but Netflix didn’t have the movies I wanted to watch. They suggested others and I saw one that had Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. I thought it was a comedy so started watching it. I don’t know how long I was watching it but it was dull. An hour into it and Richard Pryor still hadn’t made an appearance. I stopped watching it and went to sleep.

I woke up with a lot of Twitter messages about the therapist blog I wrote last night. A friend that I sent it to went on a string of messages about how to better treat people like me. He is the director of a behavioral health center in Missouri and he speaks about suicide prevention all the time. I also had a message from another Twitter friend that said she was going to use my blog as a Segway in her curriculum. I thought that was awesome. She asked if I was involved in NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) and I responded that I wasn’t but I had a number for a therapist line to call but haven’t done so yet. I am still looking for another therapist because the one I am seeing, I am just not clicking with and it’s frustrating me.

I must have been up for at least a half hour or so, and then the pain started. Severe pain. It wasn’t even 1000 yet! I took my pain meds and some ibuprofen so my mouth wouldn’t hurt. I immediately felt so hopeless and helpless because there was absolutely nothing more I could do to help myself. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kind of angry this was happening. Then my mother called to tell me I had to make breakfast for my niece. WTF. I told her I was sleeping and she didn’t fucking care.

I had to go to Walgreens to get my prescription filled. My mother wanted some things as well as I saw a note on the kitchen table. I grumbled and basically told my foot I was going. I got dressed and went. I just realized now that I forgot to mail a card for my friend. Her birthday is tomorrow. I should have got a stamp last week when I bought it but I didn’t want to break a twenty dollar bill for 49 cents. I didn’t have any smaller bills on me. Now it’s too late and my foot is still throbbing so I am not going to go out again.

After my little nap, I had to brush my teeth and use the rinse as I didn’t do it in the morning. I took more pain meds, ibuprofen, and my antibiotic before I did because the rinse makes drinks really taste bad. My mother woke me up to find out what I wanted for supper. I told her I wasn’t hungry. I’ve only had a tuna sandwich before I left for Walgreens, nothing else. I didn’t even make coffee. Later I will probably order a pastrami sub and fries. I still am not hungry. I am in too much pain to care if I eat or not.

I had a notification on Facebook about a post in my Cauda Equina support group I belong to. I had posted my “knackered” blog and someone shared it with her daughter. She read the blog and said now she understands and she apologized to her mother. I felt pretty good that my blog touched someone and made someone realize what it was like with this crappy condition. The mother I think bought my book as well. That made my day a little better before pain wrecked it.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. Before I wrote the therapist blog, the score was 1-0, Sox. After the blog, it was 10-3! They ended up winning 10-4. I was like, I should write my blog during game times to see if they can win more games! I was excited for them. They turned their first triple play of the year. The young third baseman is on fire. He’s only 20 years old. Still a rookie but playing very well. I hope it continues. After the game, I was depressed as there was no more baseball tweets on Twitter. The feed was all about Cheeto, his comments, and what went on in Virginia over the weekend. Just a very sad state right now for my country. Maybe that is why I feel so hopeless today as well. I don’t know.

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