Saturday Blog 51

Saturday Blog 51

I made my Bolognese sauce today. It came out so good. I cooked the sauce for almost two hours. I have been watching the baseball game while it has been cooking. Sox are leading right now, 9-8 in the 9th. And they lost due to the incompetence of the 1st baseman. Unfucking real. 10-9 Blue Jays. I am so pissed.

I made a big pot of pasta for my brother-in-law and I. I am hoping he isn’t too tired after doing his yard work to put in the AC. I moved the stuff out of the window so he can have access to the unit and window. Most of the stuff is on my bed so I can’t be in my room. It’s wicked hot up there anyways. I am in the living room with the fan and it’s much cooler.

I need to take a shower before bed tonight. I am wicked sweaty as it’s really hot today. I plan on taking one soon as my brother in law puts in the AC. I am wicked tired between the heat and the cooking. My ankle is thanking me kindly for standing so long. I cleaned up but haven’t washed the dishes or pans yet. I will do that after I take a nap.

When I woke up early this morning, my back was hurting me badly. I have no idea why but I couldn’t move without pain. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around noon. The pain was still there but it wasn’t as painful and I could move better. The pain kind of went away as I was able to move around. That is kind of weird because usually I am incapacitated when I have severe back pain. I went to two stores to get disposable Tupperware. Walgreens didn’t have it so I went to another store. I am glad I went to the second store because I was able to get a Danish and donuts. I had to put the chocolate frosted ones in the fridge because otherwise, the chocolate would melt.

My sister asked me to get in touch with my aunt so we could see her this weekend. I haven’t heard back from my cousin yet. It’s going to be hard seeing her. We don’t know how she is going to take seeing us as she hasn’t seen us since my father died. I am glad that she saw him before he died.

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Broke my Rule

Broke my rule

It’s over 80 degrees in my room so I had to break my rule of keeping the door closed. I can’t open the window because I don’t like it. Now the stuffiness is a little more tolerable than it was. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow as the temp is supposed to be 90 degrees and my bro-in-law hasn’t put my AC in yet. I think I might melt.

I got some reading done tonight. A whole chapter and a half. I had to switch to my reading glasses because the progressive lenses suck for reading. It’s like reading through a concave lens. I kept having to shift my eyes or my head to read the page. Annoying!

I complained to Amazon about my shipping problem. They were no help as they want me to contact the seller. There is nothing s/he can do about it as it’s already mailed. Hope they got their money’s worth of my $7 that I paid. As I usually send things via media mail, I know it’s the cheapest way to send books so s/he probably paid half of that. I am never getting expedited shipping again. It never works out for me. I am seriously considering getting Amazon Prime so I can get two day shipping for free.

I am in mega pain tonight. There has to be a storm coming because my spine is aching really bad and the CRPS is flaring up on me. I can see every vein in my foot and it’s throbbing big time. I hate being in so much pain. I just took my night meds so I hope that plus my pain meds knock me out. But I am in a hot room so I am not so sure I can sleep, even with the door open. I might have to take some nerve pain meds. I really don’t want to because I will wake up a few hours after I sleep and I will be up the rest of the night. I might be pain free but I will be wide awake.

I haven’t emailed my psych since the beginning of the week. I should send her an email saying I am doing okay. She is worried about me becoming manic. I think the depression has finally lifted a bit and I am just left with the sadness of the death of my father. I really didn’t think I was going to miss the bastard, but it happened. I saw a picture of him today when he was a little overweight. It was taken when my littlest niece was maybe six, so it was almost 5 years ago. He had the smug look on his face that I can’t stand. I don’t know why I miss him. It’s strange to me that I do. I guess it’s the one attachment in my life that I tried to cut out but never quite could and now that he is gone, permanently, it sucks. The “movie” started playing again today. It was in fast forward from the time the ambulance people transported my father to when I first noticed he wasn’t breathing anymore. That’s where it ended, today at least. Then I went through what happened afterwards with me panicking about what to do. I am usually calm in emergencies but this wasn’t an emergency. My father was dead and there had to be an official notification of his death. Here it is a month later and we are still dealing with him and his ashes. “Dust we are and as dust we shall return”. I don’t know the verse in the Bible but I think that is how it goes. It’s funny that Jesus didn’t return as dust. He just rose from the dead and was never seen or heard from again.

I seriously need to finish the story I started while I was in the hospital. I know I am risking PTSD symptoms and with this being a holiday weekend, there is no coverage. My psych will be on vacation next week and I am sure my therapist will be away somewhere with her family. Only place I can go is the ER or take an extra Ativan, if I need it. It’s funny that the chapter I was reading about psychopharmacology and PTSD included Ativan as a medication to control symptoms relating to anxiety. PTSD is of course in the anxiety family of diagnoses. I had forgotten about that. It works well with me and my symptoms. I am lucky to have a drug that works for me. I have been on so many and they have failed me. It’s nice to finally be on one that works. I don’t use it all the time, just when I am desperate and all else has failed me, like grounding and distraction. Lately, distraction hasn’t been working for me. Music has though. I get lost in the sounds and lyrics. I finally was able to listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album tonight and found it wasn’t as depressing as it was when I was depressed. It’s a pretty good album.

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Friday Ramble 2

I went to the barbers today for a touch up. He couldn’t believe how much my hair grew overnight. I have been telling him for the past two years my hair grows fast and he didn’t believe me until now. If I still have cash in two weeks, I will go for another cut. I just won’t get the top buzzed because I miss having some hair on my head. Right now my head feels like a steel course brush. I love the feeling.

After the barbers, I went to the Square for a coffee. There weren’t any seats so I just got my coffee and left for the next bus home. I had some time so I bought my T-pass for the month. I don’t know if it is worth it anymore as I am not visiting my father anymore nor going into town for his appointments. I still have my appointments but I am mostly on the phone with my therapist. My psychiatrist I see every two weeks or so. Maybe I won’t get a pass for the month of July and save myself some money. I kind of like the pass because then I don’t have to keep track of how much money I use per trip.

I am pissed my expedited shipping is media mail and I won’t receive my book until next week. Media mail is the cheapest way to send a package. I feel like I have been duped because I paid extra to have it shipped immediately. The seller is not going to get a good review, if they ask for one. I am glad I don’t need this book for a class or something important. I’d be behind the other classmates.

I am feeling really sad today and I am not going to shake it. I think my fighting the feeling is just making the grief worse. I have no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and now the thought of food is making me sick. I was going to make a Bolognese sauce today but I don’t have the energy to. I just feel so down. I feel like I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming. My sister texted me to see if I wanted to go with them to drop off the urns to the funeral home. My sister got a big urn and two smaller ones. I don’t know why. She still plans on getting a tree for the backyard. My brother-in-law is nuts if he thinks he is going to place it in the front of the yard. I am just afraid the roots of the tree will not have room to grow and the tree will die.

I woke up early this morning in pain. My ankles are still hurting me. I don’t know which one hurts more. It sucks because I don’t know which leg to limp on. Dammit, I forgot to go to Walgreens on the way home to get disposable Tupperware for my sauce. I guess I will go tomorrow because I am too tired and in too much pain to go back out. I hope tomorrow I feel better because I really don’t want the meat to go bad. I should have bought Manwich and then I could have sandwiches. My mother is going to make chicken pot pie for dinner. Sounds good to me because I don’t think tomato sauce would agree with me tonight.

I had every intention to read before going to sleep last night but it never happened. I feel like with each passing day I don’t read, I am getting further behind for some reason. It’s been almost three months since I finished a book. I was on a good pace to read 40 books this year. Now I am not so sure it’s doable. I will feel defeated if I don’t complete this challenge. I have 33 books I need to read by Dec 31st.

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feeling grief

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

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Random 150

I got my haircut today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same as the one I got last month. I am almost bald. I should have gone to the other guy but the owner was free and I took a chance. Never again. I think I will try the new barber shop that opened in the Square. It’s going to take a month for my hair to grow out. I am kind of upset that my hair isn’t the way I want it.

I texted my therapist for an appointment but doesn’t look like she has time today. She must be busy because she hasn’t even texted me back, yet. It’s not that urgent that I talk with her today. I just feel like another session might help my grief. For some reason, I am really feeling it today. Other than getting my haircut, I have no other plans for the day. I thought about going to Starbucks but it’s really warm out and I know I won’t be able to get a seat. I am not really in the mood for a coffee anyways.

I didn’t watch John Adams last night like I wanted to. I was so tired that by 2200, I was toast. I slept till around 0800, which is good for me. I did have a weird dream. It was so weird that I am going to have to discuss it with my therapist on Tuesday if I don’t talk to her today. I think I will watch the movie today. I got to have some Oreos first. I bought Oreo Thins and they are so damn good. They have just the right amount of filling that I like. The danger is that I can eat the whole package in one sitting. Other than chocolate chip cookies, Oreos are my second favorite cookie.

Last night, I was productive before I passed out. I was able to get the forms needed to legally change my name and I finally found out how to go about it. I am so proud of myself. It’s going to cost me around $200 to do it, but I am hoping by July, I will legally be G. Collerone. I don’t know how long the proceedings take. And I don’t know if I need to make a court date or not. I am a little nervous and excited at the same time.

I think I am going to type up the story of the last two hours of my father’s life. I want to finish it so that it isn’t haunting me anymore. I know I will always have the memories but I just want them written out lest I forget a detail or two. I just hope it doesn’t land me back in the hospital.

I am going to see if my brother-in-law can put in my AC tonight. It’s getting really warm and I hate it. I love it when it is cool not sweltering hot. I can’t believe that I have practically no hair yet my scalp is so itchy. I have tried different shampoos and conditioners, head and shoulders, Selson Blue, you name it yet my head still itches. I think I need to see a dermatologist or something.

I just had my amazing cheeseburger with avocados and pickles. I am still hungry. I might have a yogurt. I bought Greek yogurt with honey. I like Greek better than regular yogurt. It has a creamier texture. Tonight I plan on making steak. I haven’t had it in a long time. I am going to make the Bolognese sauce tomorrow so the ground beef doesn’t go bad. I was planning on making it on Sunday but the meat will go bad by then and I don’t want to freeze it then thaw it out in a few days time. I hope it comes out as good as I am hoping. My mother keeps calling it a “dirty gravy”.

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No Sleep Wednesday

No Sleep Wednesday

I barely got any sleep last night and when I did, my alarm went off. My groceries were delivered early this morning. I put them all away and was savoring making a burger after my therapy appointment. I had some turkey breast deli meat with some dark chocolate almond milk for breakfast. The almond milk was so damn good. I think I like it better than the vanilla with honey.

Therapy went okay. She was late by almost ten minutes but I still had my time with her. We talked about my sleep and about my ankle. I finally found out what the lump is. It’s a bony formation called enthesophyte. It is really painful and will be needing surgery. I am not looking forward to that. There is also the chance my tendon may be damage from it. It is caused by stress. The ankle service called me this morning so I have an appointment in a few weeks. I think I am going to have to have an MRI to make sure my Achilles is intact. Until then, I will keep doing what I have been doing. Staying off it as much as possible so it doesn’t hurt.

I told my therapist I was sending my psychiatrist blogs left and right. I know I wrote one while I was up at 0230. I don’t know if I sent it to my psych or not. I know I didn’t send it to my therapist. There are somethings I will send to her and others I won’t. I did email my psych to let her know about my ankle. I have no idea what time it was. I know I also told her my sleep sucks but I don’t think it’s medication related. I just have a weird sleep pattern. My therapist kept asking me if I had a dream that woke me up. If I did, I completely forgot it. She must have asked me several times. I just woke up at around 0230 and that was it. After I fell asleep at midnight. I was up for a few hours before I went back to sleep around 0500.

Today marks a month that my father passed away. I keep thinking I need to go to his apartment tomorrow to do his meds but there is nothing I need to do. I have the whole day to myself. And Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I need to get a haircut tomorrow so I think I will hold off on showering until then. I hope I get the same barber as I did last month. I got a real nice cut from him.

I ordered John Adams from Netflix DVD. It’s a 3 disc set but they only sent me the first disc. I am going to watch it tonight. I have been looking forward to this movie for quite some time. I hope I am not disappointed.

I fixed the problem with Amazon but they are still shipping my items separately as well as charging me individually. I am so annoyed. At least it’s free shipping. I just have to pay for the tax. I bought a new watch as the one I had is old and I think the battery is going to die soon. If there was a jeweler’s place that had watch repairs, I would just replace the battery but all those places closed in my area. It really sucks. I ordered a psychology book from a seller but it doesn’t look like they have shipped it yet. I expedited shipping on it because I really want it sooner rather than later. I figure I can read it when I go to Starbucks. I can have my study session there. I don’t know what else to do with my time.

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can’t sleep 3

Can’t Sleep 3

I seem to be making a lot of posts lately because I can’t sleep. I slept for about 2 hours and then woke up due to pain. Now I am having a hard time getting back to sleep. I am tempted to email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. I know she is already worried about me. It was apparent when I saw her on Monday.

I am tempted to write out the story that I wrote while I was in the hospital. It will give me something to do and hopefully make me sleepy. I just hope that it doesn’t stir things up. I should read but sometimes reading wakes me up and causes my brain to think of things. I do my best work during these hours so I should be ok. I have nothing I have to do today aside from making sure that I am awake for my grocery delivery and then having therapy in the afternoon. I can sleep after therapy, like I usually do. I then can make my delicious burger that I am looking forward to. I hope I have an appetite by then. I am still full over the dinner I had at the Olive Garden. I ate way too much food, but it was so damn good. I had chicken piccata. The capers were mild and I liked it. Usually, I don’t like capers because the taste is too strong but these weren’t so it was good. The zucchini they served with it, OMG it was so good. I love zucchini. It’s one of my favorite vegetables, especially during the summer. My mother will either buy it or my brother in law grows it in the garden. She makes some good dishes with it. I love it when she fries it up like potato chips with bread crumbs.

I had dessert, cheesecake. I have been craving cheesecake for some time now and I finally satisfied my craving. My friend that I was with said they get it from the Cheesecake Factory. I am going to have to check it out now. There is one in the next town over for me at the mall. They also have my favorite limoncello cake. It is to die for, if you like lemon stuff. I haven’t had it in a while because the price for a slice is ridiculous. Last I checked, I think it was almost $10. It is worth it though, if you have the money and the craving. The nice thing is that you can order the slices without having to have a meal. I remember I brought my niece there one time for her birthday. We were so full on appetizers that when our meal came, we hardly ate it and we had to bring it home. We both laughed because the plates were so huge. We just looked at the amount of food and laughed. I think we each had a bite and that was all we could stomach. It was really funny. I think we ordered the same dish, too.

I was just thinking. Yes, that was me with the smoke in the air. Over the last several months, all I have been talking about in therapy is my father. I thought that once he died, I wouldn’t talk about him anymore yet I still am talking about him. Fucking bastard is taking up my life, even in death. The past few days, I have been thinking of his girlfriend. I think, if I am conscious and sensible, I might give her a call to see how she is doing. She loved my father and he loved her. He talked about her all the time and would sometimes call me her name instead of my own. I didn’t think nothing of it because he was old and stuff. He would correct himself and that would be the end of it. As I was thinking of my father tonight, I remembered how much he loved visiting New York City a few months ago when he was well. He went with his girlfriend. They had gone to the casino first and then drove up to New York. He really had a good time there. I don’t think I have ever seen my father more happy. I am glad he went before he died.

I still can’t believe the decline my father had. It was like in January he was in good health and then after his radiation treatments, he just went downhill. There were problems after problems after that. Then during one of his admissions, while he had some clarity, I became his health care proxy. I was really scared about being it because I was suffering under a deep depression and was afraid my mental status would cloud my judgement. But I did okay, with the help of my sisters. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Not that the decisions I made were that difficult. I just went with what my sister told me his wishes were and carried them out to the best of my ability. The most important thing is that the guy didn’t suffer. It was hard, so bloody hard, seeing him deteriorate. He didn’t eat so eventually became emaciated. It was terrible. He lost so much weight and so quickly. He lost muscle tone and became so weak that just putting on a shirt and pants exhausted him. He would go to sleep afterwards. It was really sad.

I placed a big Amazon order and for some reason, my payment was declined. Now I got to go to the rigmarole of retrying my card. It’s so stupid because the payment went in the first time or I would have gotten a decline when I first placed the order. It’s so stupid. I just hope they don’t charge me individually for the items ordered. I ordered 5 things. I will be pissed if there are 5 charges on my card for one fucking order. They have done this in the past so I am weary.

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Post 1765

Post 1765

I only got a few hours of sleep last night. PTSD symptoms were set off around 2300 and didn’t end till around 0230 when I finally fell asleep. I woke up just a couple of hours later and have been up since. I tried to get back to sleep and would have if my damn phone didn’t go off on me. I had successive text messages and they drove me from sleep. One of the psychologists I am friends with was replying to my blog via Twitter so I was getting his tweets. It was constructive and he gave me a name of someone at BWH. I will look him up and see what he can do for me. My friend didn’t say that he was a doc or a surgeon as he didn’t give me his credentials. But I trust my friend.

I was going to catch the 0950 bus but I was too lazy to get out of bed. I wanted some writing time at Starbucks but was denied, least at the one at the Square. I went to South station and tried to find a spot for my therapy session. Soon as I found a place outside, it started to drizzle. I knew there was a Starbucks across the street so I went there and found a quiet corner. I did some writing while waiting for time to pass. My therapist called at the appointed time and we began talking about guess who? I told her I had PTSD symptoms last night brought on inadvertently by just deleting my father’s contact information from my speed dial. I didn’t delete him from my phone, just the speed dial. It triggered memories to come flooding back, something I wasn’t expecting. I wrote a short blog about it on Tumblr and sent it to her. I am still paranoid my sisters are reading my blog so I am careful on what I post now.

We talked about the symptoms and how triggered I was. I told her I tried distraction and other forms of grounding but I might as well have been blowing bubbles in the air for all the good it did me. I was tempted to call my psychiatrist but it was after 0100 and I was not really in the mood to talk. I had been anxious all evening because my meds got messed up due to the computer system and I didn’t want to bring it up or make her think I was calling that late just to see if she called the pharmacy. I wouldn’t do that. I just needed reassurance I wasn’t going out of my tree. The memories were so real and so was the guilt that I felt. Maybe if I stayed with my father a little more after I gave him his medication he would have died with someone in the room. I know my sister said that he wanted it that way, for us to be eating and for him to die at peace in his bed, which he did. There was no struggle. He just let go. And I just am kicking myself because I didn’t see it coming. Yes, I knew he was going to die that day. And I am grateful it didn’t take all night for him to die. But I just feel like there should have been more for me to do for him and I can’t figure out for the life of me what that was or what it should be.

If my therapist and I talked about anything else, I don’t really remember it. I told her the fiasco with the computer system and how my psych has to now call the damn pharmacy because it’s a stupid piece of shit. She did everything right (as far as I know). The shit computer just didn’t accept the changes she made. What a retarded system. Now I know why she is so aggravated with it.

I think we briefly talked about seeing a grief counselor but I really don’t want to be double talking. I don’t want to talk about grief with my therapist and the counselor at the same time because then I am just wasting my breath twice. I still haven’t called the counselor. I think I might email her. I am good with that. But I think I can handle things with my therapist. I don’t want to be in a sticky situation with the counselor because I feel suicidal at times or because I have PTSD.

This afternoon, I went south of Boston to visit friends and to see my friend’s daughter in a concert. The noise was unreal from the kids, not from the concert. The concert was pretty good for a bunch of 6th graders. They weren’t as off key as I thought they would be, though they killed one of my favorite songs that the Money Pit plays. I forget the name of the concerto but the kids butchered it. I am going to have to find that piece of music or see Money Pit again to hear it played correctly. I love Money Pit. It always makes me laugh even though I’ve seen it a million times and know it word for word. I did have a good time even though I wasn’t feeling good. I kept thinking about my father. I guess I was feeling guilty about having fun while I am still supposed to be in “mourning”.

Tomorrow marks one month that my father has passed. I have groceries coming in the morning that should make me tired enough to go back to sleep. I set my alarm clock for 0645 as the delivery is between 0730 and 0930. I hope they come around first thing. I then have therapy, again. After that it’s burger time!

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TG Issues 7: Name Change

TG Issues 7: Name Change

I have been struggling with my identity for the past two months because I had to play “daughter” while my father was sick and dying. Now that he is gone, I am still struggling because I keep receiving mail addressed to my birth name as well as on Facebook. Despite me kindly telling my close friends that I no longer want to be called my birth name, people forget and so call me what they always call me. They don’t know that it is hurtful. Even today while I was at my psychiatrist’s office it was apparent she didn’t know what to call me. She thought I was still changing my name to Alex when I made the decision to be called GC or G two years ago. I have never signed an email to her with that name so I am not sure where she got it from. I did go by Alex for a while when I was playing around with names. In my memoir, I think I said my name is Mike. I thought about Mike for a long time because it’s something that I always liked to be called. But I am so used to people calling me G that I think Mike would be a bigger transition. I do go by Mike on this blog. I might use it as my middle name as I don’t have one.

A fellow blogger wrote about her identity issues and that got me thinking of my own. For some reason, today my breasts feel so heavy and disproportionate to my body it’s not funny. They just seem bigger than they normally are and it’s driving me crazy because I just want them removed. And that is where the self-loathing comes in. I hate who I am. I hate having to play a female and now that my father is gone, I know I don’t have to but yet I still do because I haven’t made steps to be a male. I am kind of scared of going that step. I know that if I don’t, I will just kill myself, eventually. It’s bad enough that I am dying every day pretending to be someone I am not. I am not an uncle to my kids or a brother to my sisters. I am not even a son to my mother. Course she doesn’t know and I don’t think I am going to tell her. I have thought about it a thousand times but she thinks one way and I know she will think that someone is “influencing” me to be male. Just like they were influencing me to be homosexual. I love women. I have no idea how I am to have a relationship with one once I transition but hopefully it will work out. And if it doesn’t, I am fine being single.

I just feel really out of sorts right now. While I was in the hospital, there was confusion over my sex because one institution had me as a female and the psych hospital had me as a male since my last admission. It was so stupid and then the admitting psychiatrist asked me if I could be a female just for one night. Why not, I have been acting it all my life. Just shrink my heart a little more than it already is shrunk. Eventually I will have nothing left and hopefully I will die a heartless human being that is a female. It kills me to play a female part because I am not “out”. Like tomorrow when I am out with friends and with my friend’s kids. I will be called “aunty” because that is what I have always been called. I will be called my birth name because that is what is what they know by. It’s like I have to hide myself every time I am with someone that doesn’t know I am a male.

I am really confused by my identity issues. I know I am a male. I feel male in every aspect of my life. I wear male clothing year round except for that time of year when I have break through bleeding due to my biological cycle. I no longer have control over that but it doesn’t make me pure suicidal when it happens like it used to. I know that I have to have menses at least once a year or there will be problems. I just wish the problem, the uterus, can be taken out as it’s useless to me. I hear there are now transplants of uteruses. They can take mine for free if they want it that bad. It’s hasn’t been used at all for female things so I am sure it is viable! And if it’s not, just toss it in the pathological fireplace. I do not need it. I never wanted kids and still do not want kids. Men do not have kids.

Then I think this is all in my head and that I need conversion therapy or something but my therapist always reassures me that what I feel is what I feel. She gets me and calls me a guy, her buddy. We don’t hang out or anything (that would be too weird and awkward), but she accepts me. I just have a hard time accepting me sometimes. I hate myself because I am not who my mind thinks I am. And it hurts something awful. It hurts so much that I want to kill myself at times. I never put two and two together until I realized my menses were a huge part of the suicidal urges. Yea, PMDD had nothing on my suicidality. I had come so close to killing myself just before I would start bleeding it’s really a miracle I am still alive. The intensity of being suicidal was immense. And it was because I felt and feel like a man yet I was bleeding like a woman. How fucking confusing is that? Even when I got my menses so many years ago, I felt hatred because everyone was calling me a woman and I was like I am still a boy. It hurt so much and I am not talking about the physical aspects of the menstrual cycle. I wanted to die since I was eight years old. By the time I got my menses, that intensity increase triple fold. I so wanted a penis like my friend Tony. He is the male friend that I grew up with. I had hid myself and played the part of female for so long. Now it’s time to be a male and I am not sure how to come out. I am disgusted with myself. I hate my breasts. I hate myself period. I hate that I have to take meds to stop my menses but if I don’t it just kills me or will kill me.

The first thing that I am going to do is change my name. after that, I think I will be more comfortable going to the LGBT center to get testosterone treatments to become a male. I need to or I might as well join my father in hell or where ever you go when you die.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Dream

Dream

I had the weirdest of all dreams last night. I was dreaming I was in a hotel room with my sister and I was going to check out. I made sure I had all my personal belongings before the maid came in to clean the room and went to the check out counter. Instead of using a credit card, I used a comp card of some sort. The clerk took it and off I went to the Station as my friend and I were going to the south of Boston to meet up with my friend. As we were waiting for the train to come in, we were approached by people we didn’t know and were weird. Not that unusual in Boston, but still, it was creepy.

The time for our train had come and gone and it still wasn’t in the station. I began to panic and my friend was becoming anxious. We were on a tight schedule because we were to meet our friend and then go to a concert. A half hour had passed without any indication that the train was delayed or cancelled. It was nerve wracking to say the least. Just as the weird woman that kept talking to me pulled out a belt, I woke up. I have no idea the symbolism of the belt would mean. It reminded me of the belt that my father had used to hit us with.

The freaky thing is that tomorrow I will be going to the exact same Station waiting for the same number train at the same time in the dream. I think I am a little nervous about this trip only because last week the train broke down and caused severe delays on the line. It’s an old commuter rail train so they break down frequently. It is also weird that I saw the same friend in the dream by the station I use to go home. Talk about coincidences.

I hope my trip tomorrow goes well and I am not nervous about the train breaking down or having delays. It will suck to miss my friend’s daughter’s concert. I didn’t make it to the concert last week for her son. I really want to see them as I haven’t visited them since January. That seems like years ago now as that is when my depression got bad and then my father got his diagnosis that his cancer had returned. It was all downhill from there.

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