depression creeping in slowly

Depression creeping in slowly

I didn’t want to blog today. I slept most of the day until my stupid mother called me to see where I was. I am 42, not 12. Then I got the why are you sleeping? The answer is the same. Pain kept me up. I couldn’t settle down after the Sox win last night. Then pain hit me and well. Three o’clock came by and I was still up so I tried sleeping and I finally fell asleep until reflux woke me up at 5 am. Oh joy. Burning in my esophagus. I drank some of my Powerade as I couldn’t stand as my thigh was killing me. I think I need to move the Mylanta to my bedside so I don’t have to get up when I have a tummy ache.

I woke up just before my med alarm went off. My friend that I was supposed to meet up with called me. Said if I was in pain, we can reschedule our meeting. I said okay. That meant I could stay in bed, not having to rush to meet up as I was still hurting and wasn’t sure I could make it to the bus stop in time. I was grateful she understood. My support group, OMG. I don’t understand some of the people there. Two people said that cannabis helped them, either vape or oil. I don’t remember. But it wasn’t like I was looking for help sleeping. I was just annoyed my mother woke me the fuck up. Thanks but no thanks. I didn’t respond to their posts because I would have gone off and that wouldn’t have been good.

Then I read a blog Anne Wheaton wrote and my mood just tanked. It was tanking anyway. I’ve been battling a migraine headache since I got up. Sounds have been super loud and annoying. Lights have been really bright even though they are the same lights I have been using for months. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was too annoyed. At least the coffee I had was good. I wanted my pumpkin cake which is going to go to waste in a day or two but I had a pop tart so I didn’t eat it. I keep forgetting it is there. That is what happens when I make something and it has to be refrigerated. It is like it goes into the void and then it goes to waste. I then have to toss it. This is why I like giving it away so it doesn’t go to waste. I will try to have a huge slice tomorrow morning before I head to the Square. I want burgers. I also want to find the pre-cut onions so I can make the chili cornbread casserole. I am craving it for some reason. I want to make the keto pizza but I want the chili thing more. LOL I am so weird. I got to take the burger meat out of the freezer, shit. I will when I go downstairs next, if I remember.

I’ve been depressed the last hour or so. I just feel so worthless and hopeless. I am alone. I live with my mother. I haven’t done anything with my life. I am disabled but everyone thinks I am not because I can fucking walk. Big deal I wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I am still upright. Yesterday while waiting for the bus that was late, there was a lady in a wheelchair. I remember my days when I was in one. Not by choice but because I didn’t have use of my legs. I remember how fucking painful it was to relearn to walk. I still hurt from that, emotionally and physically. I still have nerve pain. I don’t know if the nerve pain is from cauda equina syndrome or CRPS. I just know I hurt. My doc increased the gabapentin to try and stop the dystonia (trembling of the muscles in my foot/ankle) I have been having. So I am even more tired during the day. I just feel like a huge lump in a log that doesn’t go any where. I don’t do anything that makes me happy because it causes me too much pain. I try and do sedentary things but I get too anxious and want to move around. But that causes me pain. Or I get to Starbucks and then have to go home because I am too anxious to stay there to write or read or whatever. I feel like such a loser.

I bought another new book. I bought like three of them in the past three weeks. The one I got today was by the guy that played Hamilton in the musical play, Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is very inspirational. It was of tweets that he collected and put into a book. I love it. It is short and moving. I love that I have it in book form rather than Kindle because he frequently says, “you have it in your hands.” The book has the new book smell. It was printed this year. I really like it and I hope I can finish it. I tried putting it down and it was hard. I kept saying one more page. And then I forced myself to put it down once I found a something to hold the page. I used to have a stack of bookmarkers. Now I have no clue what happened to them all. I just use ripped paper or something.

I am not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep. I took my meds early. I haven’t taken my gaba yet. I take that a couple of hours later as that can really make me sleepy within an hour. I take it will my pain med which I take around 9pm. But seeing as I am taking meds early, I will take it now at 8 pm. I don’t know why I feel so miserable. It is like the black clouds are back. I am trying not to think about how bad I feel but I know it will cover me soon and I won’t be able to break free for a while. Every episode is the same way. I just got to hold on to this thing called hope that it won’t last long. I hate that it is starting around the time that I am starting the pain program. Trying to find motivation to do the home exercises while I am like this is going to be a huge challenge. I don’t now if I can do it without them kicking me out.

Last night, I was trying to pay one of my bills and I thought I could change the date and I put it through. It went through without me changing the date. Fuck. I hope my bank kicks it out or I am going to be in the negative before I get paid. I was already charged a “service fee”, which I have no idea why. I am going to have to call them or go to the bank tomorrow to find out what that is about. It might be that I didn’t have enough debit card transactions for the month. I can’t help it. I only get paid monthly so whatever is paid, gets paid, which doesn’t leave me much to use my card. I’ve been using my credit cards to get things I need. Not a good thing but when you don’t have money in the bank, it comes in handy.

Just realized for not wanting to write a blog, I am on page 3 in word and up to 1281 words. Probably all gibberish. The point of all this is, if you have read this far, is well, I am not sure. I feel depressed. I am trying not to feel suicidal. I see my therapist Monday, the one that likes to pick his nails all session and not really give me anything useful to go by. I really don’t want to see him anymore but I am so drained at trying to find a therapist that takes my history and wants to actually help me. I am now picky in what I am looking for. After 27 years of therapy, I should hope I know what I am looking for, sort of. Is there someone for me, I don’t know. I am tired of let downs. And finding out that the therapy world lost a good therapist really hurts me. I still have no idea how he died. I know it was sudden. He was just three years older than me. I pegged him as a few more years older than that. I feel for his partner and family and his clients. I’ve been fortunate not to deal with a therapist’s sudden death. Just their leaving for various reasons. It makes me feel like I don’t have hope and that I am a hopeless case. Maybe that is what is bringing this depressive episode on. I don’t know but I will end here as I have bored you enough.


Hi all,

My boys have done it. We have beaten the Houston Astros and are going to the World Series. We don’t know who we are playing yet. It will either be the Los Angeles Dodgers or the Milwaukee Brewers. I am hoping for the Dodgers. I think that will be a great match up.

I cannot sleep because I am in pain. Left thigh and right foot are hurting. I just put some diclofenac gel on. It helped the foot. Thigh not so much. I noticed the skin is much darker than my right. Hope that doesn’t mean anything. Also hope it is just a tan line and will fade with time.

I am very tired. I don’t know if I will be meeting up with my friends because I might be in too much pain. I will have to see how it goes. I hope this settles down by morning.

I sent my PT a little note saying I think she is awesome because she is. I wish I knew of how to write her up so that her boss knew she was good and really helped me to get better. I always think it is important to tell people that.

Well I guess I’ve bored you all. Go Sox and will write another blog later today.

Another depression episode is coming

Another depression episode is coming

Yesterday I was starting to feel symptoms of depression. Feeling worthless, everyone hates me, loss of appetite, feeling guilty over nothing, etc. Today I felt more of the same as I was riding the bus to my physical therapy appointment. I just didn’t want to go. I thought it was pointless. I just feel so tired. My legs hurt because I had to make a lot of trips up and down the stairs today. My brother in law needed to be let in because he forgot his keys. Then my mother had a nurse come. I was so aggravated. I just wanted to sleep.

I got to PT and the PT notices my swelling has gone down. I hope so because I have been icing it a lot. Not I got to work on the muscle to help bring it down more. That hurts. I have one more session with her before the Pain Program starts. She said that I could come back if I needed to for anything PT related. I said okay. I know there will be something I will need PT for. And she is a good therapist. I like her a lot.

I had to wait for the bus back to the station. It was really cold out and the wind made it colder. I had my music but there was nothing I wanted to hear. I have like 2,000 songs and I couldn’t decide what to listen to. I was listening to Pearl Jam and I love listening to their music when I am in a bad mood but this time, I wanted something else. I looked over my playlist and there was nothing to suit me. I ended up taking my headphones off and trying to snooze on the bus.

I came home. My new OtterBox came. I also went to Walgreens and picked up some stuff for my roommate. I hope that solves the problem. I also need to clear the area where the window is so my brother in law can take the AC out. I don’t think we are going to have an Indian summer. It is going to be cold the next few days. I think days of shorts and T-shirts are over. I hope my brother in law puts in my screen for the window. I like to keep the window cracked a bit so my room doesn’t get too hot. I had to do that last winter and it worked. I didn’t overheat. I like my room cool anyways.

My thigh is pretty sore from where I gave myself the shot. I had to put a lido patch on as it was really sore after all the stair climbing. Red Sox won last night. It was another nail biter but I slept through most of it. I kept getting messages about it, which kind of pissed me off as I was trying to sleep. I didn’t want to put the do not disturb on as I wanted my alarm to wake me in the morning for my meds. I actually woke up before the alarm this morning, which was good. I didn’t have to leave until 1215 to catch the bus for my appointment.

I made the Guatemala coffee. It was strong and bold. I really liked it. Wish I had time to finish it but I didn’t. I had some of my pumpkin cake for my breakfast. I have half of it left. If I remember in the morning, maybe I will take some with me when I meet up with my friends. They may like it.

Useless appointment and other things

Useless appointment and other things

I had little sleep last night. In my painsomnia brain, I had decided to have an 0815 alarm. Why, I don’t remember. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I am glad I didn’t touch my med alarm or I would have been screwed. I forced myself in the shower. It was cold this morning so I had to wait for the water to get hot. I had shaved around 4 am when I couldn’t sleep and decided to give myself the shot then rather than wait. One less thing to do in the morning.

I was getting sleepy waiting around so left my house around 0930 or so, an hour before I was to leave. I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare and I forced myself not to go into the bookstore next to the Starbucks. I wrote in my journal for a bit. I was anxious and it had nothing to do with the 6 shots of espresso I was drinking. I finally left around 1230 to find the building and office. It was at the end of a long hallway. I sat in the waiting room and 15 minutes before the appointment, the guy introduces himself and said he would be back. I said okay. He came back and opened an office and called me in. We talked about my different issues and he basically said there was nothing he could do for me as he wasn’t the type of therapist to give coping skills. He just did “talk therapy” and that was it, same as the one I was seeing. Fucking A. He said that I had “somatic pain” and he didn’t deal with that. WTF. I wanted to scream at him but there was no point. I said thank you for your time and left. I was bullshit. He could have told me last week that he didn’t deal with my issues. Why did he have to see me in person to tell me this??? Why do therapist do this?? I am so fucking angry. Now I got to go back to the nail picking therapist I am seeing. Fucking fuck. Total waste of time when I could have been sleeping!!!

I came home and I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to be in my PJs, under my blankets, and fiddle with social media. My Transition photo op didn’t get that many likes. I didn’t have much to say as it was like 5 AM and my brain was dead. It was a miracle I could string two words together, much less a few sentences. I realized I didn’t take a selfie for day 7. I got to be better about it. But there really hasn’t been any changes so no big deal.

I emailed my psychiatrist about being in a therapist jinx. Either that or I am on some black list. I had sent her and my neuro an email at I have no idea what time in the morning as I experience dystonia yet again last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and thankfully, my compression sock came to the rescue. It calmed it down enough so I could sleep for a few hours before my alarms went off.

Sox game is tonight. My left thigh is sore from the shot. I thought I did a lot of walking to ward it off but maybe not enough. My mother wanted me to go to the Square to get the money owed to me from the cheese I bought. I wasn’t going to the square. I won’t be going tomorrow either. I will be going Friday so I hope the sale price doesn’t change by then. It shouldn’t matter but you never know how picky managers are. I still have the receipt in my wallet. Hope I remember to go to the butcher shop before meeting up with my friends.

I don’t know if I will make it through 9 innings of baseball on like 4 hours sleep. I tried to take a nap but then I got really cold, like almost to the point of chills. I put on my long sleeved shirt. I will be putting on my Sox jersey an hour before game time. Game is on late, 2030, tonight because the MLB sucks. They have the west coast national game at like 2 pm. Who is going to watch the game at that time?? Idiots. I just don’t understand what their thinking is when they schedule games. I also don’t understand why they all can’t be prime time. Oh wait, that would make sense. Duh! I will listen to what I can and then whatever I don’t, I will catch up tomorrow. I am not going to force myself to stay up because then I get over tired and that does me no good at all. Then I sleep whenever, which usually repeats the cycle of no sleep. Sucks. I learned my lesson. Sleep when I am tired. I should try and sleep now but it is too early and then I will be up all night. Catch 22 I know. I am not really that tired. Just mentally exhausted from this asshole I saw. I am glad he didn’t work out because after three sessions I am sure I would be telling him fuck you and walk out. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to talk to. It really shouldn’t. Maybe I am too smart but there has got to be someone on the same level as I am out there. I don’t care if who I see is a he or she. There has to be someone, somewhere. I think I am going to ask the bozo therapist at the pain clinic for a referral. Maybe she knows someone. Long shot but at this point I’ll try anything. I might look up DBT therapists in my area. That is how desperate I am becoming and I hate DBT!

Sox Win Game 3

Sox win game 3

Another nail biter. My favorite (okay one of my favorites) hit a grand salami that sent Houston fans to the exits. Sox won 8-2. A grand salami is a grand slam which is when the bases are loaded and the batter hits a home run scoring 4 runs (those on the bases and himself). I love this game. It was hit by Jackie Bradley Jr. who has struggled at bat more times than I can count but has come up big when he is hot, and he has been. I always say “take that haters” because a lot of fans and others didn’t want him on the team, especially when they were looking for good hitters but he is an invaluable center fielder and saved more runs than anyone I know. He is an all around good guy and I hate the hate people give him because he isn’t a power hitter.

My foot has been hurting me throughout the game. I went out today. I gave my barbers some of the pumpkin cake I made. Then I did some shopping. I meant to buy burgers but forgot! I also forgot my food stamp card so I had to pay for my food. UGH I didn’t want to do that. I bought most of the ingredients I needed for at least two recipes. Now I just need time to make it, which most likely will be Saturday. I also will be placing my grocery order Friday. I knocked some stuff off as it was approaching almost $200. I went nuts buying stuff. I hate being on my phone when I can’t sleep because I go mad on the shopping carts. But I don’t buy them. They just stay in the cart until I have a clearer head. Not so much with Amazon. I bought two albums last night. I think it was two. No it was one album and a book by Neil Gaiman. I almost went nuts with books by Neil but I restrained myself. I don’t know how, but I did. I still want to buy David Nail’s new album. I might buy that tonight to listen to. Last night I bought Tim and Faith’s album. I can’t believe it came out but there was nothing about it coming out. UGH. I follow Tim and Faith on social media but it might be that there wasn’t a big review on it or something and it got buried with all the shit the Orange buffoon does. I muted a lot of political shit I was following because it was just stressing me out. I tweeted to vote blue and some guy asked why. I wanted to ask him has he been awake the last 18 months or so? Like seriously. UGH people are trolls. If he was not from the states I can understand but most that ask stupid questions often are trolls and I’ve learned, as hard as it is, not to respond. They go away and you don’t ever hear from them again.

I put ice on my right foot because it was bothering me. I accidently put it up against my left to hold the pack there and when I realized that wasn’t smart, I put a shirt in between my feet. UGH. I got my new therapist appointment tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I hope it isn’t for nothing but when I think of the hassle of getting there weekly, I kind of hope that it doesn’t work out. If he is a good guy and he is willing to help me with real shit not just listening to me, then I can deal and it will be worth the hassle. If it does, I’ve decided to just email my therapist I see now and end things. I don’t think he will care either way. I missed three appointments with him and he hasn’t asked why or how I am doing or anything so fuck him for me coming in and saying we are done. No point in paying him for another session.

I have shot 2 tomorrow. I might write two posts tomorrow. One will be about my transition and the other just my general daily post. I might combine them. I don’t know yet. Maybe not as I want to write about how the appointment with the therapist went and the transition one. I have everything set for tomorrow. I know there is enough for three shots but probably not 4. I got to get one of the biohazard things for the needles. They sell them at Walgreens for like $7.50. I have no idea the cost to send them to dispose of them.

I haven’t seen my roommate. I think I am going to get the stuff on Amazon as I don’t think Walgreens sells the stuff I need. I will get the peanut butter from the grocery store. They love peanut butter. Damn rascals ate my powerbars that had peanut butter in it the last time we had mice. I know he is still in my room because I hear him. Things are moving and rustling.

I got a text from my mail order prescription. I sent them an email saying I didn’t get one of my blood pressure pills. I looked every where for it and couldn’t find it. I sent the damn thing and then fucking found the bottle under some bags on my bed. Fucker. So they are sending me more pills. Lovely. I am stocked for 180 days. Whoohoo. Ugh. I tried to stop it but it has already been shipped out. That will save me when I have to pay for my meds again in January. I am glad I called because the number I had was wrong. It was some federal number. Weird. My insurance is going to go up next year. I have no idea how much. Last year it was $26. But I need it for my prescriptions and dental. I need to make an appointment for my dentist. One tooth is bothering me. I am sure it is the one that the dentist didn’t want to drill. He just gave me a toothpaste to use at night but he doesn’t understand chronic pain life. He is lucky I brush my teeth once a day. It is very rare I brush twice a day. But I take my meds with Powerade so I don’t gag. I can’t take it with water. I have tried. The pills melt faster and if I can’t swallow in one go, forget it. I am throwing them up. So Powerade it is. I know it probably isn’t the best choice but it works for me. Also water in the morning makes me sick. I can have it any other time of day but cannot take it until after I have woken up and eaten or drank something like coffee. I bought two things of coffee today. Pike and Guatemala. I haven’t tried the Guatemala one so no idea if I will like it. It is medium roast, which is what I like. I will try it Thursday.