bad day at the dentist and other things

Bad day at the dentist and other things

I went to the dentist to have my gum looked at as it was still sore. He didn’t do the filling on the other side as he basically had to redo the filling where my gum was inflamed. He then told me the bad news, that I needed a crown or an extraction, possibly a root canal on that tooth. I have no idea if my dental insurance will cover it. I know the last time I needed a root canal it cost me like $1500 as a down payment before they did any work, and that was with my insurance.

The work he did today is going to leave me sore the next couple of days. He said the filling was down to the bone. Not good. I go back to see him next week to see how things are. I wanted to go to Starbucks for coffee but my mouth is very numb. I will be numb the next couple of hours so maybe tomorrow I will go to the Square.

I had a bad dream early this morning. I don’t know why. I usually just have weird dreams. But I woke up feeling scared and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I then played with my phone until I felt sleepy. When I came back from the dentist, my mother had made some peppers and eggs. I was starving so I had some, being careful not to chew on the side that was numb.

I was really tired after the dentist so took a nap. It was cool today so I shut off the AC but after my nap, I was really hot. I never mailed my friend’s card. Dammit. I texted her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. I would have loved to go out to see her rather than see the dentist today. I know it would have made her day.

Last night, I had my blog stats spike. I had over 100 views. My top three were my home page, the therapist blog from the other night, and Knackered, in that order. It was people from the US that was reading. It gave me a boost mentally. I usually average around 50 views a day so more than doubling that felt really good.

I think I am going to read Tom Sawyer. I am way behind in my reading. I want to read 30 books this year and right now, I have only read 7 for the year. I need to be better on reading books rather than Twitter or Facebook all day. Maybe I should put a timer on or something so I am not spending all day on social media. Twitter has just got me feeling scared of my country’s future as long as Cheeto is still in charge. I wish they would impeach him already because it is obvious he isn’t going to resign. He likes the power too much. It’s really sad.

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feeling helpless and hopeless

Feeling helpless and hopeless

I went to bed late, after 0200. I wanted to watch a movie but Netflix didn’t have the movies I wanted to watch. They suggested others and I saw one that had Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. I thought it was a comedy so started watching it. I don’t know how long I was watching it but it was dull. An hour into it and Richard Pryor still hadn’t made an appearance. I stopped watching it and went to sleep.

I woke up with a lot of Twitter messages about the therapist blog I wrote last night. A friend that I sent it to went on a string of messages about how to better treat people like me. He is the director of a behavioral health center in Missouri and he speaks about suicide prevention all the time. I also had a message from another Twitter friend that said she was going to use my blog as a Segway in her curriculum. I thought that was awesome. She asked if I was involved in NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) and I responded that I wasn’t but I had a number for a therapist line to call but haven’t done so yet. I am still looking for another therapist because the one I am seeing, I am just not clicking with and it’s frustrating me.

I must have been up for at least a half hour or so, and then the pain started. Severe pain. It wasn’t even 1000 yet! I took my pain meds and some ibuprofen so my mouth wouldn’t hurt. I immediately felt so hopeless and helpless because there was absolutely nothing more I could do to help myself. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kind of angry this was happening. Then my mother called to tell me I had to make breakfast for my niece. WTF. I told her I was sleeping and she didn’t fucking care.

I had to go to Walgreens to get my prescription filled. My mother wanted some things as well as I saw a note on the kitchen table. I grumbled and basically told my foot I was going. I got dressed and went. I just realized now that I forgot to mail a card for my friend. Her birthday is tomorrow. I should have got a stamp last week when I bought it but I didn’t want to break a twenty dollar bill for 49 cents. I didn’t have any smaller bills on me. Now it’s too late and my foot is still throbbing so I am not going to go out again.

After my little nap, I had to brush my teeth and use the rinse as I didn’t do it in the morning. I took more pain meds, ibuprofen, and my antibiotic before I did because the rinse makes drinks really taste bad. My mother woke me up to find out what I wanted for supper. I told her I wasn’t hungry. I’ve only had a tuna sandwich before I left for Walgreens, nothing else. I didn’t even make coffee. Later I will probably order a pastrami sub and fries. I still am not hungry. I am in too much pain to care if I eat or not.

I had a notification on Facebook about a post in my Cauda Equina support group I belong to. I had posted my “knackered” blog and someone shared it with her daughter. She read the blog and said now she understands and she apologized to her mother. I felt pretty good that my blog touched someone and made someone realize what it was like with this crappy condition. The mother I think bought my book as well. That made my day a little better before pain wrecked it.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. Before I wrote the therapist blog, the score was 1-0, Sox. After the blog, it was 10-3! They ended up winning 10-4. I was like, I should write my blog during game times to see if they can win more games! I was excited for them. They turned their first triple play of the year. The young third baseman is on fire. He’s only 20 years old. Still a rookie but playing very well. I hope it continues. After the game, I was depressed as there was no more baseball tweets on Twitter. The feed was all about Cheeto, his comments, and what went on in Virginia over the weekend. Just a very sad state right now for my country. Maybe that is why I feel so hopeless today as well. I don’t know.

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Therapist’s choice or fear?

Therapist’s choice or fear?

My therapist of sixteen years had decided sometime while on our three week break that she couldn’t work with me anymore for what reasons are still not quite clear. We had been arguing over various things the last several months, including my suicidality and it was becoming apparent that she refused to seek the given evidence based practices I was telling her about to deal with my suicidality. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wrote a blog about it that “opened her eyes”. Our engagement ended in February of this year. I was gutted. I had no choice but to end things with her if she had no idea how to work with me any more. So the hunt for a new therapist began, once I could manage it.

It is very difficult to find someone willing to work with a high risk suicidal patient, such as myself. When my therapist moved to her office thirty miles away and I had no means of getting there, I called ten therapists in a five mile radius of my house. I kept getting the run around. I couldn’t be seen by them because I was high risk and so they referred me to someone else. That someone else then referred me to someone else. I became distraught and just stayed with my therapist event though it meant more phone sessions and text messages.

Now I had the same problem, except I had no back up. There was no one. I had asked some therapist friends on Twitter in my area if they knew anyone seeking new clients. One responded and gave me a name. That therapist never returned my calls. After three weeks (one call a week), I gave up and moved to therapist number two. Same deal. It took me until April to find someone that a) took my insurance and b) wasn’t afraid of suicide. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months now and it is getting obvious to me that we just aren’t clicking. You need a certain chemistry to work with someone is this guy is lacking. I thought I could work with him but he is my back up right now. I am looking for someone else.

The day that I had my first meeting with him back in April, two therapists returned my phone calls. One had taken three weeks to call me back so I was not in a rush to call her back even though her qualifications seemed like it would match what I was looking for. The other organization I didn’t know too much about but knew they offered CBT, a therapy modality known to work with some people but didn’t for me. I kindly told them I was not looking at this time but if that changed (I hadn’t met the guy yet so it could be possible not to work out), I’d be in touch.

So when I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and my current therapist told the social worker that I was there because of “family conflict” instead of a psychotic episode that happened that weekend, I got pissed off and realized I wasn’t going to waste 16 years with this guy to know it was wrong. I called the other therapist and she never called me back. Then I got in touch with the organization. I had a phone interview with them last week. He first went over my insurance as he didn’t take one of them. OK, but he took the other so I was okay with that. Then we talked about clinical stuff. He asked when was the last time I was hospitalized and I truthfully told him a few weeks ago. He ended the conversation saying his group would be unable to help me as I needed “intensive outpatient” treatment after a hospitalization. He basically said I was “too sick” to work with one of his therapists.

I was floored this happens in 2017. I have been studying suicidology since 2007, reading countless articles about how clinicians, particularly psychiatrists, are more prone to have a suicide during their career than any other profession. Psychologists are second to that. Yet despite the advancements in evidence based practices (EBP), there is still the fear of losing someone to suicide. I can’t make that go away and if I ever become a therapist, I too will have that fear. But there are measures you can take to decrease that risk in the high risk client, if there is a willingness to work with one. That opportunity is lost if you slam the door like countless therapists have done to me. Suicide is inherent in any psychotherapy, regardless of risk factors. It can “appear out of the blue” or not noticed until an attempt is made or a death occurs. The suicide rate keeps climbing. And one of these days, I will become part of that yearly statistic.

I look for help and get denied because of my risk factors, which are history of previous attempts, history of abuse, history of hospitalizations, and history of self harm. These factors I deem “high risk” can also be viewed as severe mental illness or “being too sick”. It was the director of the organization’s choice not to take me on as a client. Pissed me off but his choice regardless. But was it also his fear that I would take on a certain liability because I was chronically suicidal and mentally ill? I will never know but my gut says fear altered his choice. I understand that therapist want to have the kind of practice where things go smoothly and stuff like suicide is dusted under the rug. Suicide is a dirty word. I get that. I have lived it since I was eight, when I first thought of ending my life. No one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. But excluding these people from these practices, what the hell did you enter the field for?? I have to wonder.

The therapist I work with now doesn’t follow a lick of EBP. I still don’t know what kind of therapist he is. Frankly, he just lets me ramble for 45 mins then it’s see you next week. He has explained what he does but he has yet to actually do it, which is why I want to see someone else, if I can find that person. I live in the hub of academia where there are thousands of therapists. The biggest problem I come across, other than their fear of suicide, is not taking new clients. OK. I get it but can you refer me to someone who IS taking them? No answer or try Susie Q who isn’t within my area of accessibility.

Anyways, these are my thoughts on the matter. Getting screwed by those that are supposed to help mental health patients but don’t want to deal with mental health patients that fit a certain criteria. I think that sums it up nicely.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

having a hard time dealing with pain

Having a hard time dealing with pain

I woke up around 0600 with my foot hurting me. I took pain meds but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Around 7 or so, I decided to make breakfast and coffee. I was about half way through my coffee when I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I took a nap for a couple of hours only to wake up to tooth pain. WTF. I went to the bathroom and then rinsed my mouth with the stuff I’m supposed to use. I ended up swallowing a little by accident. It wasn’t pleasant. The stuff didn’t help my pain. I had planned on going to see the movie “Dunkirk” but it was really muggy when I got up and I didn’t feel like going out.

I played on my laptop for an hour or two before deciding to have lunch. Tooth didn’t like it at all. I took some ibuprofen and as I was walking back up to my room, stupid ankle flared up. WTF are you kidding me? I can’t stand being in pain with my ankle AND my mouth pain anymore. It has been going on several days now. I see the dentist on Thursday so I hope he can do something for me. I know one thing, if I am still in pain, I am not going to have the filling done on the other side. It will be really hard to eat if I don’t have a side to chew on. I told my mother this and she was “so supportive” by saying she wishes she could not eat for a week. Then tells me at least you’ll lose weight. I then tell her sure and a trip to the hospital too for hypoglycemia and dehydration. Sounds fun! Fucking moron. I was so damn mad. Besides, I’ll only regain the weight once I start eating. She is just so stupid. I can’t stand her. I swear she acts like a bitch because she has chronic pain herself, but unlike me, refuses to do anything about it. She won’t do what the docs tell her to do or take meds, not even Tylenol for her pain all because one dose “doesn’t do anything”. She doesn’t understand that it needs to build in your system to be effective. I’ve told her this time and time again but I get hit with “I know my body”. Be in pain and stop complaining about it then! Fuck.

I’m really trying not to sleep all day but it’s hard because I am so exhausted fighting pain all the time. But I know if I do, I will catch my second wind at like 0200 and that wouldn’t be good as I will just be up all night, messing up my sleep cycle again. Course, I really think my sleep is already messed up as I just sleep whenever I feel tired.

Think I am going to make some fries for supper. My mother is having leftovers. I’m torn between ordering a sub and making a grilled cheese sandwich. I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can order my groceries. I plan on making lemon cookies. The recipe looks fairly simple, though I’ve never made zest before. First time for everything!

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

in honor of Highway Don’t Care going 2x Platinum…

hi all,

Time McGraw, one of my favorite country artists, posted today about highway don’t care going 2x platinum. I thought I would share this powerful video. It makes me cry every time I see it. It was a public service announcement to don’t text and drive. It can wait.

Hope you all enjoy it. Taylor Swift and Keith Urban is also in it, who are also my favorite artists.

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