midnightdemons7

Such a down day

I got up late and had coffee. I made some hash browns with eggs for a kind of brunch. The only thing I had on my agenda was to do some schoolwork and attend a webinar later in the afternoon. I shaved before it. I am getting used to doing it every other day. I need to shower tonight. I also need to do my history homework. I don’t feel like doing anything. I am so depressed today. But seeing Jobes today helped. He had a slide about life worth living. He just makes me hopeful things won’t always be awful.

My left foot and calf has been bothering me most of the day. The foot I know is because of CRPS. The calf I have no idea why it is bothering me. Usually if I stretch it a lot it hurts but I haven’t. Maybe the walking is hurting it.

I took Honey for a short walk as she got all excited when we said the word. I just took her around the block and back. I wasn’t going around the full block because I didn’t have the energy for it. I barely had energy for the half a block. I was sweating even though it was cool out. My legs have been cold all day. I have shorts on. I will change to longer pants when I shower.

I woke up in the middle of the night so I read the gender chapter. It was interesting and I actually understood what it was talking about. It wasn’t talking in like a voice you had to guess what they were talking about. I hate books like that. Some of the clinical books are like that. It was good to know that brief CBT was still one of the treatments for suicidal ideation. That book I had trouble with.

Taylor is coming out with a new song on Fri. I cannot wait. I am listening to folklore again. I didn’t know what to listen to today. The album is corrupted as my MP3 app no longer counts the time I play the songs. I am not going to buy another album. But I might because I want exile on my top 25 list. I love that song.

I am tired. Sox game is on tonight. Tolle is on the mound. I want to listen to the game as there are only a few left in the regular season. They are going to the playoffs. Something I find incredulous. I honestly didn’t think they would get this far. But I remember my cousin said to hold out for a miracle and I secretly hoped there would be a winning streak. And there was. 17 games. Fucking amazing. But we got to play the snakes in the playoffs so it is going to be tough. One game at a time.

Another long Monday

I had therapy at 9 this morning so I had to get up, except I didn’t. I literally just sat up, took my meds and turned on the computer for therapy. I wish I was in the kitchen or some place else. I am bored being in my room all the time. Therapy went ok. She asked about my suicidality and I told her it wasn’t good, that Saturday was a tough night mostly due to pain. She asked why I didn’t go through with it. I fucking hate when therapists ask me this. I never know how this is a good question to ask, like ok next time I will go through with it.

After therapy, I made coffee and some hash browns. I was hungry. I also made lunch for in between classes. Then I got dressed. I checked the time for the bus. I had twenty minutes. Fuck. I got my bag ready and then realized I forgot my hat. I had to go back to my room and get it.

I was an hour early for my first class. I tried to work on my homework but I just wanted to rest. I was sitting in a sunny area so trying to read my phone was hard. I tried playing my game. Class was good and then I went to my next one. I was bored in that one. We had to speak and talk about goals. That is our homework. Should be about two paragraphs. This is my easiest class. All you have to do is show up.

After class, the train gods cooperated and there were no delays. I went to pick up my meds and get something to eat for dinner. I bought a Stouffer’s chicken thing that was really good with the pharmacy credits I earned. I still have six bucks left. I came home and my bladder couldn’t wait anymore. I was so close but couldn’t take my jeans off fast enough. Ugh.

My allergies have been off the rocker today. I have been sneezing and sniffling all day. I hate it. I took an extra allegra because of it. I feel so tired. The first dose of the new med left me a little hungover this morning. I slept pretty well, waking up only once to pee. I did hear my sister get up for work but I was able to go back to sleep until my alarms went off.

It’s evening now and I am wondering if I should read my gender studies stuff. I am feeling so depressed and am thinking about suicide again. I have a limited supply of pills near me I could take. I am putting it off because of school. My heart is in a thousand pieces and I don’t know why. I hurt so bad. I thought this shit was behind me. I guess one day I will die by my own hand despite getting top surgery and being a man. Depression kills.

I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone

Last night I listened to Luke Combs Fast Car. It is my favorite song and I love that he remade it. I was listening to his album Growing up and Getting old. A lot of good songs on that album. They play frequently on my alternative station I created on Pandora.

I felt a little better today but I didn’t sleep so well. I went to sleep with the puppy as she was alone. We cuddled and then she left for her dog bed. I stayed where I was and slept through the night. I didn’t get up till nearly 11. My med alarm was going off in my room. I took my meds. I played my game and read my messages.

I took a nap in the afternoon in my niece’s bed with the puppy. Until my brother in law called her and then she went to her dogbed. Ugh. I was not happy. We were cuddling along so good. I slept for a few hours. I still feel sleepy. I need to do my history homework. I don’t feel well. I feel dizzy. I really haven’t drank anything all day or yesterday. I had a bagel for breakfast even though I wanted pancakes. I just couldn’t manage to cook today.

Sox lost but made it to the postseason. They still have a week of regular games left. The post season doesn’t start until next Tues I think. They play the snakes in NY and I hope they suck (NY not my sox). The Patriots won today so that was good.

I feel wicked down. I start the new med tonight. I hope it is sedating so I can sleep. I don’t see my psychiatrist until the middle of Oct. I will be on the med for a few weeks. Hopefully I will know in two weeks if it is working. I want to die. I thought about taking the pills today. Last night too. Last night I was in a flare and had a really hard time getting to sleep. I think that is why I am so sleepy today. I have therapy at 9am tomorrow so I set two alarms. It’s supposed to be cool tomorrow so I might wear jeans instead of shorts. It’s getting cooler but I know there will be a week of hot weather eventually. Always happens sometime in Oct.

Saturday Blog 19092026

I am in a pissy mood today. I got up and just had a bowl of cereal. Then I had coffee. Bitch sister kept talking to me and I just want silence. They were going to go to my niece’s new house to do some cleaning. I had to shower and shave so I wasn’t going. Bitch said I had to put the liner on before I showered. Great. I wanted to go back to bed. Yesterday I slept all day. I did too much walking this week. My back was killing me and kept cramping on me. I went to the NP on the Thurs. and she said to keep doing what I am doing but if it continues or get worse to call back.

I did all my schoolwork on Thurs night. I just got to do my history thing which I will do later today. My stomach is feeling off. I am going to take it easy with what I am eating. I am thinking a bologna sandwich later. I start the new antidepressant tomorrow night. I hope it helps. I feel rotten.

I forgot to take the weight loss drug yesterday. I am going to take it today. My weight is up because I have been eating a lot lately. My appetite is up. I have been more active so I think that is why.

I am trying to stay up but it is difficult. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe once I shave and brush my teeth I will wake up a little bit. I got to shave my head because it is wiffle length and if I go too much longer, I will have to buzz it down. It’s been more than a few days since I last shaved. I just haven’t had time. I would have done it yesterday but I was too sleepy. My nephew made some pasta last night and I had some of it. It was the only thing I ate the whole day. Then I went back to bed. I was late in taking my night meds. I have been taking the Robaxin around the clock for the spasms and cramps. It has been helping. The NP said she would send me some exercises for the upper back but she didn’t. I just need a good massage I think.