Saturday Blog 19 May 2018

Saturday Blog 19 May 2018

I had another rough night. Pain started sometime after 2100 and kept me up most of the night. Around 300, I was getting hungry so I ordered some McDonald’s. I tried their bacon McDouble and wasn’t crazy about it. Next time I will just stick with cheeseburger. It took me about an hour later to get to sleep.

I emailed my psych telling her I was lowering the dose of sertraline as it was again causing me to become nauseous. Past few nights about 5 hours after taking my meds, I would get really nauseous. I just took 50 mg tonight. If I am still nauseous tonight, I will lower it again tomorrow. I was hoping to go to the post office today but when I woke up around 10, I wasn’t in the mood to go out. I had to use the bathroom and brush my teeth so went downstairs. My nephew was there. My mother had the “brilliant” idea of me going to the grocery store I don’t like to get some things. I told her flat out no because walking around the store would cause me a flare later on. She said all I had to do was hold on to the carriage. She doesn’t fucking get it, at all. I told her no and walked away. I then texted my sister that I was done with her. She called me and told her what happened. She was supportive of what I was saying but wanted me to be a little more understanding. Whatever.

I wanted some coffee an hour later. I made it iced as I really like it better than hot. I went back to my room, hoping to read. I only had a few sips when exhaustion overcame me and I went back to sleep for a few hours. My mother called me to find out what I wanted for dinner but I didn’t answer the phone. She made asparagus and eggs. My sisters came up. My youngest sister wanted to see the movie Book Club but couldn’t get tickets for tonight. I think we will be going Tuesday. That should be fun. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movie theater.

Pain had woken me up though I didn’t want to move to take more pain meds. I am so tired of taking pills around the clock. Last night, I was taking my regular meds every 6 hours like I normally do and then taking my breakthrough meds about three hours later. I was having so many different kind of pain all over the side of my foot and ankle. It was kind of cold in my room and I didn’t take note of the barometric pressure. It’s raining today and temps are going to drop tonight. I hope they don’t reach freezing. I had to shut my window after I had dinner. It was freezing in my room. I also had to put on a long sleeved shirt. I think we are just going to have winter and then summer, no spring or autumn.

My laptop needs to restart because of some driver update. I hope I don’t flare again tonight. I canceled therapy for Monday as I don’t know how I am going to be. I really don’t want to see him anymore anyway. I am just not feeling like he is helping me but I am too lazy to put in the effort of finding another therapist. Maybe lazy isn’t the word. I am just tired of rejection.

another night of painsomnia

Another night of Painsomnia

I didn’t go to sleep until after 4 am. I had emailed my psychiatrist saying I might be whacky. She responded saying she goofed and the time she gave me was not available. She asked if I could come in at 9 on Monday but I told her no because I would most definitely flare that night. I haven’t heard back from her.

I slept for most of the day, though my mother called me at 8 to put on her socks. I sleepily put them on, used the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up around 1515, I called her to let her know I was staying in bed. She then said that I couldn’t live like this anymore and that she wanted me to go to a hospital. I said what am I supposed to do, go there and say treat me? I don’t even think she realizes how stupid that is. She said no, just call them and make an appt. Like who am I supposed to see?? The whole thing was so damn ridiculous. I just yessed her to death until I hung up. I was so aggravated. She does not get my illness at all, none of them! I am just so fed up at her and her ways. I have a diagnosis and need pain meds to treat it, which I am not getting. What part of that does she not get?? I must have explained it a million times. But nope, she has her damn heart set on me going to this particular hospital, which I know is not going to do a damn thing. I went there before and they suck. I don’t have an injury they can fix so I will be showed the door soon after they see me. That is how doctors work. They don’t fucking care so why waste my time. I will just stay in bed and be up all night in pain.

I kept track of the Sox game last night through twitter and Facebook. We won 6-2. I think I am going to do the same tonight. I’m not sure as I feel so damn tired all I want to do is sleep.

hard decision but had to be done

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.

a day of rest

A day of rest

I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night. My med alarm went off and I took my pill. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I didn’t want to get up so I just laid there. I got a few messages on my phone. I checked them and one was an email from my psych saying that she was sick and could I come in on Friday same time. I didn’t have my glasses on so I wrote back a reply saying sure and hope you feel better. I then shut my alarm off as I didn’t need to get up. I guess that relaxed me enough for me to go back to sleep until 1500.

I figured I might as well try to eat something as it was now the afternoon, almost dinner time. I had a bowl of cereal and some bacon my mother had made in the morning. I then went back to sleep. It was too late to make the muffins I wanted to bake. I took off the compression sock as I put that on sometime around maybe 0200. Pain was really bad last night. Pain came back after I took it off. It was time for my pain meds so I took them. I really hope it settled down.

My sister called me around 1730, waking me from slumber. I didn’t answer the phone. I haven’t been on social media that much today. For some reason, my internet on my phone is not allowing notifications to come through on my apps. When I shut off the wireless, I got the notifications. I might have to restart the modem.

I am glad my psych canceled today. I really didn’t feel like going out. I am sorry she is sick though. I have been fricken congested all day today with stupid allergies. Probably why I feel so tired. I am going to make a deep dish pizza for dinner and then listen to the Sox. They have lost the last two games. I think the A’s have cursed us this year. We just cannot beat them.

Yesterday in baseball news, a player I do not like named Robinson Cano was suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. The drug was Lasix, furosemide. My mother takes it and she isn’t doing cartwheels!! I am so mad that this common diuretic is banned. Then I find out a pitcher that just came back this season from injury got mad after Cora (Sox manager) pulled him on Saturday that he threw his glove. He must have thrown it more than 100 MPH as he dislocated his shoulder! Now he is complaining about fatigue and overuse. He has only pitched 14 innings!! He is a relief pitcher! What a loser. There was some other news but I don’t remember what it was now. Hope the Sox win tonight. Going to watch them as I heat up my pizza.

Tired of pain taking away things I love

Yesterday, I had a bad flare. I tried writing but after around 100 words, I was exhausted and couldn’t continue. I had therapy yesterday and for some reason my legs were really sore so walking was difficult. I thought it would get better as the day went on and I did my things but it only wore me out with each step I took.

I was in agony most of the night. I didn’t get to sleep till 4am. I kind of lost track of time as I was trying to find a tea kettle. I had made a cup of tea and the kettle we have is all rusted on the bottom, making things taste different. I told my mother and she refused to change the kettle and there is no way of getting the rust out.

I made coffee using spring water and saucepan. Coffee came out perfect. Then we had a t storm and I got a migraine with severe nausea. I still feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t think I was going to write today as I really am tired. I don’t know if my writing means anything to anyone. I’ve just been writing for me, because I like doing it. But after yesterday, it was the first time in over a year and a half that I didn’t write. I thought I might be able to write later but then it was after midnight so I just posted the pic of the pup. I might do that on days I am not up to writing more than a paragraph.

My writing means a lot to me. I have been pushing through tough days because I didn’t want to give in to chronic pain. Yesterday was the worst in a very long time. I usually am able to write how bad things are and yesterday, words just couldn’t come to me. I kept staring at the screen cursor wondering what to write next. My head just was filled with blankness.

Today was a little better. I slept most of the day, despite my med alarm going off to remind me to take my pain meds. It is really hot in my room though the temps have cooled off. I want to open the window but I still haven’t put in the screen. Maybe I will have my bro in law put in the AC and the screen. It kind of early but at least when it is humid, I can cool my room down. I cannot tolerate heat. As hot as it is in my room I have to keep my sheet covering my foot because the ceiling fan air hurts me.

If you are a daily reader, please like or comment if you can. I’d like to get an idea of who is reading. My stats aren’t really a good indication. Thanks and I am sorry for not posting yesterday.