4 May 2016

4 May 2016

My day started pretty early, like around midnight. I woke up to a thump and thought something happened to my mother. She was doing a colon prep for her colonoscopy and with her diabetes, I was worried. Once I realized she was okay, I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep until around 0500. I emailed my psych to let her know I would be trying to see her but I might be a zombie. She said it was okay and to take care of myself. I was also to call her after 1600. I was sleeping and didn’t wake up until 1715. I paged her right away but I haven’t heard back from her yet.

Therapy was boring. We talked about the same shit we talked about yesterday. I told her that I can’t eat normally anymore. I had two pieces of toast and two boiled eggs and I was bloated. I have been eating smaller meals. I finished off the Thai food from yesterday and had some cheese. That was the last thing I ate before my nap. I kind of want a tuna sandwich but we are out of wheat bread. I have to do some shopping. I didn’t put in an online order this month because my appetite has been so awful. I still have my cereals and other food that I eat. I just don’t have bread and you can’t just order one thing online.

I told her about the “movie” I keep seeing of the last two hours of my father’s life. One day when I am up to it, I will blog about it. My psychiatrist thinks it’s an important processing. The more I talk/write about it the less power it will have over me and will fade with time. I still am trying to write out the word prompts from WordPress over the past few days. They had some really good ones but my brain has been fried with grief that I can’t think of what to write.

I think staying up all night kind of made me a little bit manic. I feel like I am in a good mood, despite the circumstances. I still feel relieved at my father’s passing. Tomorrow will be the first Thursday that I have to myself in quite sometime, though I have to do an errand with my sister. I just hope it doesn’t take all day.

I have been in pain most of the day. My ankle is just awful and the rain is not helping me one bit. I would have taken some pain meds before sleeping at 0500 but I thought I would be seeing my doc and I didn’t want to be more sleepy than I already was. I now just took my pain meds because I can’t stand the pain anymore. I’m about ready to go back to sleep. I hope I am not up all night again. That will suck so bad.

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Rainy Therapy Tuesday

Rainy therapy Tuesday

I went out to my therapist office today. I was early as I took the highway rather than the back roads. I went to Walmart and bought some more PJs. They were cheaper than Target. I also got some summer ones so I don’t have to worry about ordering them. I was tempted to buy more T-shirts because they were less than 5 bucks but I refrained. I have a shit load of them and my mother will kill me if I get more. Then after I paid for my stuff and went out to the parking lot, I forgot where I parked. I couldn’t find my car. I was getting panicky because the keys were visible. I don’t think I locked them in the box you put them in. I was two rows away from my car so no one stole it. It gave me a nice heart attack for a while.

Therapy went ok. I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t. I forgot to tell her about the movie playing in my head. I will tomorrow if I remember. All we did was talk about the wake and funeral. We also talked about the aunt that I hate that disrupted the wake line. That really pissed me off. Still pisses me off because she had no right to be at the wake to begin with. She hated my father. She didn’t even go up to the casket, damn bitch. Who goes to a wake and doesn’t pay respect to the dead? My dramatic aunt, who has to have the attention on her at all times. We also talked about the hospital. She said I could still go in if I wanted to. I will ask my psychiatrist tomorrow what she thinks.

We also talked about my writing and how hard blogging has become. Sometimes I can get off more than 500 words but lately, it’s been less than 400. And that is after three hours of trying. I just haven’t been in a “groove”. Most of the time, I start a blog and it takes me a long time to think of something, anything to write. I just stare at the blank screen or cursor after I wrote some stuff and nothing will come. I get distracted easily and my thoughts are just blank. It’s really tough because I don’t know if it’s the depression or grief that is making it hard to write.

I took the back roads home and barely made it on time back to the zipcar spot. I hit every fricken red light on the way home. It was ridiculous. I am glad I didn’t stop at McDonalds like I wanted to. I wanted to get a big Mac as I haven’t had one in years now. But I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to return the car on time. I did, however, stop to get a bottle of wine. I wanted a Mark West Pinot Noir but they didn’t have it. I got a more expensive wine that I wanted with my Thai food. I had the Thai food but had a coke instead. I want to save it when I have good Thai food or something I really like. Or just have a glass when I feel like having wine. It’s rare but I do crave a glass now and then.

Somehow on the way home, I lost cell service. I didn’t know until I was at the train station and I was checking my messages. Luckily, a restart of my phone worked and I had service. I had a few texts. But my sister was trying to get in touch with me. She cleared out my father’s apartment today. We were going through his things. The guy saved everything. We found envelopes of people we didn’t know that sent him cards as well as the cards. Going through his clothes was the hardest because we knew how much he loved them. We are going to donate the good ones to a business success company. I got to call tomorrow to find out where they are. They are located in the town my father lived so that makes it easier.

I found the divorce papers in with my father’s stuff. Ironically, he was divorced on his 67th birthday. I had remembered that it was on his birthday but not the year. He hated my mother for divorcing him because he “did nothing wrong”. I can go on and on with the wrongs he has done but I won’t. I’m not ready to. Maybe after he is cremated, I will.

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Rainy Monday 2

Rainy Monday 2

I woke up this morning around 0600 in pain. My left leg was hurting so bad and my ankle too. I took some pain meds and was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I made some breakfast, which aggravated my leg some more. It’s raining out and I think that is why it is hurting. I took a stronger pain med and now I am so sleepy.

I woke up from my nap. Had the strangest dream. I wish I could remember it but I don’t. My foot still hurts so I took some more pain medication. I knew today was going to be a pain med day because of me waking up in pain and it raining outside. Not a good combo.

I asked my therapist if she had any cancellations for today to let me know. So far she hasn’t had any and I don’t think she will. I guess it’s kind of good because in about forty-five minutes or so I am going to be sleepy again. Pain meds will do that. I have the Zipcar for tomorrow so I can see her in person. I reserved it early and gave myself plenty of time because last time I was close to being late, mostly because they changed an exit on the route I take and I had to go around. I also want to go to Walmart to see if I can get Sox PJs. The ones I have are wearing out and I want to replace them before they rip to shreds.

Today is the first day in months that I had at least two meals that were more than I could eat. This morning I had toast and two boiled eggs with Ensure and for supper, I had chicken cacciatore. My mother made it and it was very good. I ate a bowl with some bread and now I am bloated. In between, I had some pretzel nuggets because I was hungry. I didn’t eat lunch because I slept.

It’s been a week since my father passed away. I am still feeling numb and sad at times. I haven’t been listening to music because I don’t know what I want to hear. I start with one artist and then get bored and have to change to another artist and it just gets boring. Nothing is helping my mood. I have a few people that are worried about me because I have depression. My psych and therapist are worried, I know that. I still haven’t had a good cry about my father and I don’t know if I want to. If it happens, it happens. I just hope that I am home when it does. I hate to be on a bus or train when it happens. Grief has a nice way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, so I am told anyway.

I think I need more Neurontin tonight. I will take the same dose I took last night. I just hope the leg pain doesn’t come back. The stronger pain med helped take it away. Now I am just dealing with foot and ankle pain that is a combo of physical and nerve pain. Every single day I have this pain and it drives me crazy trying to find the right combo of meds to soothe it. Some days, I am successful, and other days, I am not. It depends a lot of when I “catch” the pain in the beginning or not. But all that goes out the window due to weather changes. I know I am hurting more because of the stupid fucking rain than because of physical activity. It’s supposed to rain the next two days so I might be in agony for a while.

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Sunday Blog 11

Sunday Blog 11

I finished off the left over Chinese food for dinner. I am still hungry though. I might make a tuna sandwich later if I am really hungry. I haven’t had it in a while. I am trying not to have an Ensure and eat real food. It’s hard though because the Ensure will fill me up and is around 350 calories. I haven’t been eating more than 1000 calories a day lately which is why I have been continuing to lose weight.

I talked with my psychiatrist. She continued to assure me that what I am feeling and experiencing is normal. She hopes that the “movies” about my father’s death will fade with time. I keep reliving the last two hours of his life. Being in my father’s apartment yesterday for five hours didn’t help me.

While I was describing what was happening to my psychiatrist, I got sad and started to cry a little. I was just overwhelmed with sadness. She wants me to continue to write about my experiences. She said that it was amazing that I could articulate what I was feeling. That made me feel a little better.

My middle sister keeps posting pictures of my father when he was younger. It is kind of bothering me but I understand she wants to express her grief at losing him. She misses him. I don’t. I am still expecting him to call any minute saying he has some type of pain and needs to be taken to the hospital. Or asking me when I will be over his house to do his meds. It was weird filling my pill box this afternoon knowing I won’t be doing my father’s anymore. It is hard. I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess that is why I am still numb at times.

I never wrote the blog for the Daily Post. I started it but my mind kept blanking out. Then the song that has been in my head all day came on my music player and thought some more of what I should write but nothing came of it. I started a letter to my therapist thinking it might get me going. Nope, nothing. I wrote a small paragraph and blanked out on what I wanted to say. Fuck.

I went to Walgreens and got some mailers so I can mail my book to my cousin that wants a signed copy. I also got a thank you card for my father’s PCP. I will mail it when I have the energy to fill it out. Just like I will mail my cousin’s book basically when I am up to it. I am still playing catch up with the blur that was last week. I need a few days of doing nothing. I just want to stay at home. I don’t even want to go to Starbucks. I still have no interest in the Red Sox. I know when they are playing and I follow the tweets on Twitter, but I could care less. I have no idea what place they are in, who is doing well, who is sucking, nothing.

My pain levels are up. My foot has been cramping most of the day and now my ankle is painful. It’s been raining off and on all day so I think that is why. I took some pain meds but I think I need to take Neurontin because my foot is on fire. I think 1200 mg will be a good dose. 900 wasn’t giving me long enough relief.

One day I will write about the events that happened last Monday. I think writing about it will help ease the “movie” that keeps running rampant in my brain. I still feel like I should have done more for him. I know I couldn’t call 911 or something to help him but there had to be something I could have done so that he would be okay. Maybe I just didn’t want him to die. As much as I planned on it and expected it, I still didn’t want to lose my father, even if he was a bastard.

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Thinking of Stuff at 0300

Thinking of Stuff at 0300

I woke up from a weird dream I was having. It was something about two women going through diving training. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I keep thinking about my cousins in Italy and France. It’s hard to communicate with them because they don’t know English and we don’t know Italian or French. The only way to communicate is through a translator or via Google, which is not ideal as sometimes the translation doesn’t say what we want it to say. I never picked up the language of Italian, even when I was taking it in college. And if you don’t use it, you lose it.

I was going to take a shower but I still haven’t. It’s so hard taking care of myself. I had a friend ask if I was going to go in the hospital. I don’t think I need to be but I will ask my psych when I talk to her in about 11 hours from now. I think I want to help my sisters clean out my father’s apartment. Then we will be able to relax a little bit and mourn him.

I’m still feeling relieved that my father has passed. I have been thinking about all the shit that he had pulled over the last few months of his life. Between the hospitalizations and waiting on him night and day, it was really difficult. I will never forget the gurgling sounds he made or the pain he was in. I am just glad that he died peacefully without gasping for air or something.

I don’t think I will be going back to sleep. I have tried and I seem to be waking up anyways. I give up. I am going to make some coffee and I am sure that will keep me up for a little while. I don’t know why sometimes it makes me sleepy but it makes me have a restful sleep. It’s weird. I also will shower after I have my coffee, I think.

Today’s Daily Prompt is “scars”. I will write a blog about that later today. I’m kind of nervous to page my psychiatrist. The last time she wanted me to page her in the afternoon I was going for around 1500 and she wanted it earlier. She sent me an email asking where I was. When I talked to her, I said our views of afternoon are different. I plan on calling her around 1400 or so, maybe 1330. I sent her the blog I wrote last night before I went to bed. The previous blog that I sent her that took me about three hours to write, she gave me some feedback on it. She said it was powerful and compelling. I really thought it was a piece of shit. I still do. Lately, I have been feeling that all my blogs are shit. It takes me a long time to write and I feel like it doesn’t flow very well because I am writing in spurts. Someone at the wake or funeral asked how my writing was going. I said it wasn’t going because I had to take care of my father. It’s been a long three months. I have just been writing blogs because there is nothing else for me to write. I can’t remember a “good” blog that I wrote in that span of time. I know my writing is getting better and after I write things I sort of edit what I write to try and make it sound better. But I just feel like my writing has suffered so much since my father got really sick. I don’t know if I can get back on track with my book. Maybe a hospital stay will give me ideas.

I don’t know what it is about being on a locked unit for a few days to two weeks. It helps calm down some part of me that is going all the time. It’s like I can finally relax because I am safe from myself and my environment. The only time when things weren’t going well in the hospital is when the unit was being inspected by the JCAHO commission. Every staff member was tense and it was a very unsettling feeling. You could cut the tension with a knife (if you had one) it was so bad. Soon as the inspection was over, there was relief on the unit. It was the most tense hospitalization that I ever had. Needless to say, but the second day, I wanted to go home but I think I stuck it out for a few more days. It was difficult to get in a groove. When I am in the hospital, I like to do my own thing. I rarely attend groups and I just keep to myself. I don’t really isolate but I do solitary things like write in my journal or listen to music. If it is on the unit that I like, there is a space I like to hang out in to do my writing. Otherwise, I am in my room. It helps to stabilize me. And if I need to, I hang out at the nurse’s station when my emotions are overwhelming. Being there lets the staff know I am not doing okay even though I am not talking about it. Sometimes, my contact person will check in with me more frequently when I am there.

I don’t know if I need a hospitalization right now because I am still numb from my father’s death. Occasionally, I will feel sadness but for the most part, I don’t feel anything. The shock of his death is over, though I keep replaying the events in my mind. I don’t know when that movie is going to end.

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End of a Long Week

End of a Long Week

Just came from my sister’s apartment. For the last two hours we have been writing out thank you notes for all the support, flowers, and what have you for my father’s wake and funeral. I didn’t think we would get it done this soon. I really didn’t, but my sister is frantic and wants to get everything done now. We still haven’t done his apartment yet. That will be sometime next week. I told my sisters I will take care of my father’s doctors, except his oncologist who was an ass in the end.

Tomorrow I am going to page my psychiatrist like I said I would and then spend the day in my bed, probably writing blogs whenever I feel like it, so be warned. I actually don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow but I know it’s going to be minimal. I did order Chinese food so I have that for left overs. Maybe read a book that I started but haven’t finished yet. The last book I finished was in February. I have the Harry Potter book in my hospital bag. I haven’t touched it in weeks. Then I have Dostoevsky that I haven’t touched since I don’t know when. I really want to concentrate on his book as it’s so long. I really want to start Crime and Punishment after I finish Brothers Karamazov. Those are the two goals I have.

Being at my father’s apartment today really got to me. I felt trapped and isolated, which is probably how he felt with his illness and always being tired. I still cannot get over the rapid decline. My sister gave me a copy of the death certificate and now it’s real to me that my father is gone. Well, kind of real. I am still expecting him to call. I still have his number (though it’s disconnected) in my phone. I still have his dead sister’s number in my phone as well. I just can’t let go of her. I know I will delete my father’s number one day. It’s just not today.

I feel really sad. I am also tired. It’s been a long day with waiting for those idiots. I plan on complaining soon as I get the energy to figure out what I am going to say. It should not have taken them all week to pick up the equipment.

I am feeling suicidal. I just want my pain to end. I got the means to do it. I just don’t know if I have the courage to go through with it because I know how hard it is to pay for a funeral now. I really don’t want a wake or a funeral. Just cremate me without all the hooplas.

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Five fucking hours

Five fucking hours

I am so fucking glad these Oxygen people came for their equipment. I waited five fucking hours in my dead father’s apartment for them. They called me around 1445 to tell me they are lost. I was so pissed. The other guys knew where the apartment was. So annoying.

I got some stuff that I wanted from my father. Then when I was on my way home, my sister called and wanted me to bring home the eggs in the fridge. Really? You couldn’t tell me that when I was on the phone with you three hours ago?? I am so aggravated. Then on the bus this disabled lady comes on, and immediately spills her coffee at the front of the bus. The whole bus ride smelled like French vanilla. I got off three stops before my usual one to walk off the steam. I was so annoyed.

My mother called to ask if I ate. I haven’t had anything since I got to my father’s apartment at around 1000. I am not hungry because I am so aggravated. Maybe if I calm down, I will have something. I feel like ordering Chinese food but am afraid of spending $30 on food and not being able to eat it. I finally found a good restaurant that delivers, though you have to spend a minimum of $25 and they charge a delivery fee. So worth it though to have decent Chinese food.

I didn’t do anything but listen to music while at my father’s and go through some of his things. I took stuff off his wall that he had pinned up. He won’t be needing his reminders of doctors appointments anymore. I got a shaving kit that he never used. It must have been in his apartment for a while because there was at least an inch of dust on it. I also took the rest of his Ensure and his soap that wasn’t opened. My sister had bought him Dove because he got really dry skin and was scratching himself though he blamed it on bugs biting him. We had I don’t know how many exterminators come to his apartment and they never saw these bugs. After my father got some steroid cream, the bug bites stopped and we didn’t hear anything more of it. Though he kept spraying himself with alcohol to prevent bug biting him. He was a character.

I played the Powerball tonight because it’s $314 million. I played two quick pics. The first one has my father’s month and year of birth. The second has my Godfather’s birthday. Fucking weird. Hope it comes out.

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fucking pissed off II

Fucking pissed off II

I received a text from my sister. She can’t make the time tomorrow for the oxygen assholes so guess who is going in her place?? Yup, me. I was so looking forward to just staying home, waiting on a delivery that is for me. I have a feeling I know who it is from because they actually specified my floor I live on and there are very few people that know my home address outside of family. So now I got to sit at a dead man’s apartment again. This time, I am taking a few things home with me, like his Ensure and his dirt devil. I don’t think my sisters want it. My youngest sister said she just wants a frying pan. I am also going to take his little basket of quarters. That will be my inheritance, LOL.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep. I bought Martina McBride’s latest album Reckless. I am listening to it now. She has such an amazing voice. She made a song that is on Lady Antebellum’s last album and now I can’t decide who sings it better, Martina or Hillary Scott. Think Hillary sings it better. But I love the lyrics to the song.

I am so aggravated that my sister bailed. I am not surprised though. Just pisses me off that I am still expected to drop everything and do something for a dead guy. I now have to catch the morning bus to his house which means getting up early so I can make coffee and be some what awake to go out. I have been sleeping so poorly the last few nights. Been waking up early morning hours. But that could be the depression, too.

I called my psychiatrist. I didn’t do it as an emergency. I just felt like I should check in with her as I haven’t talked to her since our emergency session last week. I have been emailing her but I really wanted to talk to her. I kind of feel that something is wrong with me because I am not experiencing emotion except anger and that I haven’t really cried for my father since he died. She said what I was feeling was normal. I felt better but she wants me to page her Sunday afternoon. Was not expecting that! Guess she is worried about me.

I was talking with my cousin today. He is really going to miss my father. He is the only male cousin, other than the cousin-in-laws. I feel sad for him. His mother is my Godmother, my father’s sister. I know my father loved him a great deal. He wouldn’t drive people crazy if he didn’t.

As mad as I am, I am also sad. It comes in spurts but doesn’t last too long. I still haven’t cried. I don’t know when that is going to happen. I think me breaking down the other night is what I needed, even though it was more for my aunt than my father. But they were tears none the less.

Don’t like this new album by Martina. There are no songs that hit me other than the title track. It’s not like Eric Church’s album. Maybe I should put him on…

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Immortality

Immortality

I came home from the funeral reception a little while ago and decided to play some music. Pearl Jam’s song “Immortality” was the first song played so thought it would be a perfect title.

I didn’t think I was going to get through the funeral mass. My nieces said some scriptures and both broke down. It was heart breaking to see them cry. I feel really bad I am still in a state of shock and feel no emotion. I didn’t cry except when I found out my aunt was sick and thought she wasn’t going to be ok.

It was okay at the reception. I didn’t eat too much because I didn’t want to get sick. Lately I have been eating more than I have the past few weeks and my stomach has been hurting me afterwards. We have been having chicken ziti and broccoli all week. I don’t mind because I love the dish. My sister has been having edible arrangements delivered all week. We have a lot of fruit to eat.

I really haven’t cried for my father’s loss all week. I have moments of sadness but mostly I feel relieved. I really dislike my aunt (mother’s sister) who has been coming over with her loud mouth talking about anything and everything. It’s pissing me off because I just want things to be quiet and she just yells to get her point across. She was telling me that my cousin on my father’s side paid her a compliment about my grandmother and she cried. I wasn’t phased. She can cry at the mention of her mother’s name or grave site or anything for that matter. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she didn’t care for my father at all, not one fucking bit yet she is playing sympathy to him. She is something else and it bothers me so much. I really want to kick her out but she is at my sister’s place so I have no right to kick her out. So I leave to be alone and away from her.

I called the stupid oxygen people and said I wanted a fix time that they would be by because it’s hard to be at my father’s apartment waiting for them to come. They said they will be over between 1100 and 1300. My sister will be at his apartment to do some cleaning up. I am not sure I will be over. I got a call from a florist saying that there will be a delivery for me tomorrow and it’s perishable so I need to be home. My mother is deaf and won’t hear the doorbell. I have been going all week without a chance to breathe. It’s been go, go, go all week. I finally had a chance to email my friend to let him know my father died.

I am exhausted. I went to bed last night around midnight only to wake up at 0200. I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 0400. We had to leave early this morning for the church and our final goodbyes at the funeral home. I snapped a pic of my father in the casket because that is how I want to remember him, not the way I last saw him before they collected his body. I made coffee this morning and had an Ensure for breakfast. I wasn’t up for eating anything. I had a small dish of pasta at the reception and some cheese when I came home. I am not hungry. I am sleepy, however.

Last night, I was talking with one of my cousins that I am really close to. Some how the whole transgender thing came up and I said don’t worry, I have had to play “daughter” all month and use my real name as well. It bothered me but I got a couple of sir calls last night with the funeral home men so that made me feel good. And there was an older gentleman that called me sir as well. I guess that is why I don’t feel like crying. I’m too stoic and I feel like I have to be the strong one while my sisters lose their emotions. I do feel inhibited for some reason. Like if something doesn’t go my way, I will blow up. Which is probably why I left my sister’s apartment before I blew up at my aunt and her ex son in law. I really don’t know why the fuck he was there.

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Post 1727

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.

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