JUly 4th 2022

July 4th 2022

I may get grief for this but I don’t feel American on this Independence Day. Women losing their bodily autonomy, guns having more rights than fetuses, rapists getting to raise their own children. This isn’t the America I grew up with. So GOP congress and the 6 Justices can go to hell.

How do we then effectively stop the lethal pain? The answer is revealed in reseach: we have to be person centered or person oriented (Lenaars 2004). Key to helping any suicidal person “tell me what’s happening. Where do you hurt”?

These things are what is on my mind today. I finished the suicide chapter I was reading and it had a lot of good information on it. I bought the book by Lenaars. I don’t know if I will get to read it but I bought it none the less. I am in a very icky mood. I shaved and showered. I brushed my teeth. But it didn’t take the icky feeling away.

I am proceeding with ketamine therapy. It is my last hope. I don’t know when treatment will start. My psychiatrist has to put in the referral and then I need to meet with one of the psychiatrists at the center for evaluation. They will be the ones making the decision if I have ketamine or not.

I ordered groceries. They should be coming soon. I just feel blah today. I haven’t really eaten anything other than oatmeal and coffee. I plan on having a smoothie for dinner. I forgot to order water. I wish I had a subscription to Poland Springs so that water could be delivered and I don’t have to worry about it. But the bitch won’t allow it.

After I finish BATA, I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. I should finish BATA by the end of the week, I hope. There are about 8 chapters left. I slept pretty good but I am still tired. This heat is killing me. I hate summer so much. I feel like I got to stay in my AC’d room to stay cool. I feel wicked depressed today. Keep thinking about death. It is constantly on my mind. I honestly don’t think I can ever not think about it. It has been on my mind for years now. One day I hope I will end it.

tired from doing nothing

Tired from doing nothing

It’s the fourth of July weekend but I don’t feel like celebrating. My cousin invited me over to her house. She is by the beach. But my sister already left for the day. They make is a whole day affair and that is just too much for me. If I had a car, I would just come and go as I wish like I used to. I sometimes miss having a car.

I woke up tired. Slept fairly well last night, waking up only once to pee. I got four goals today. I need to brush my teeth, shower, shave, and do my meds for the week. Hopefully in that order.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I wanted to listen to something historic as today people are celebrating the 4th. I just hope I don’t fall asleep. Sox are playing. They are already down by 1 run. Rookie pitcher is on the mound today.

Seeing as I will have the evening free, I plan on reading a chapter or two of BATA. I don’t see my therapist till Tuesday because tomorrow is a holiday. I have three appointments this week. I just hope the injection helps my arm and I can weight lift again.

Saturday Blog 02072022

Saturday Blog 02072022

I had a difficult night trying to sleep last night because of fireworks and then a thunderstorm rolled in. I didn’t fall asleep till around 530. I had emptied my bladder and then tried to sleep. Then I had disturbing dreams of people killing people and putting them in a suitcase. It was awful. I was up early as I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I took my meds around 0700. My mother and sisters went out to NH for a birthday party. I pretty much have the house to myself, though my niece and nephew is home. They don’t bother me though.

I was scrolling through Twitter and got triggered. I read how a ten year old girl got pregnant and now has to go through pregnancy. My mother started molesting me at 10. I am not having a good day.

I had two cups of coffee today to try and stay awake. I so want to take a nap. I just had one of my smoothie shakes. They are easy to make but kind of make a mess if you miss the cup. I haven’t mastered emptying the packet. I bought a 96 ct box of what I thought would be house blend coffee. Nope. It is a 96 mixed box of House, Breakfast, Pike, and Columbian, all medium roast so it is my kind of flavor. It was expensive but way cheaper than grocery stores. I saved like $20. I also bought the Spring blend again because I love it iced. My sister has a big container of flavored creamer that I use instead of sugar and half and half.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in a few days. I took Miralax yesterday so I hope I go today. I feel like there is a belt around my waist. It is so uncomfortable. I am cathing every two hours today as I am drinking a lot of fluid. I mostly have been drinking water and that runs through me pretty quick. It is hot again today. The house is a million degrees. I am glad I have the AC in my room or I would be dying.

My bicep has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why. I see the specialist doctor that will use ultrasound to inject cortisone in it on Wed. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel the appointment. I will be taking a cab there as I don’t know how my legs will be. The short walk I had the other day to the pharmacy was rough. My back cramped up so many times. It was awful. I had to sit down on stairs of people’s houses.

Sox are playing tonight. They had an ugly loss yesterday. They lead 4-0 and then the bullpen blew it. I am still mad. They are playing the Cubs in Chicago. I’ll be paying attention if I am not listening to the game.