Sunday Blog 18

Sunday Blog 18

I put away all the yummy sauce that I made last night and then made a bowl of pasta for lunch. The sauce came out pretty good. Then I took a nap before washing all the pots and dishes. My back is not feeling right since standing for so long making everything. I was going to go to BPD chat but I really can’t sit because of my back. I really want to lie down again. I am still full from eating two bowls of pasta. I just had a nectarine because I wanted something sweet. I figured that would be better than Oreos.

Baseball game isn’t on till 8. It was supposed to be a day game but ESPN pick it up so now it’s a night game. I don’t mind. I slept most of the afternoon anyways so I would have missed it. I guess the Benadryl I took last night really hung me over. I am so sleepy.

My therapist is back from vacation this week. I have some sauce for her. I plan on giving it to her on Tuesday when I see her. I am a little apprehensive about seeing her. It’s been two weeks since we last talked. I have been texting her sporadically over that time. I wrote her letters while she was away about my moods and suicidality. I don’t know if she will read them or not. It was something to do while I was missing her and what I couldn’t fit into a text message.

All day my bowels have been spazzing on me. I don’t know why. I have gone to the bathroom twice and haven’t really had anything to eat that I think would make it upset. I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like it. I still been sneezing like crazy. I woke up with a headache and now it seems to be coming back. I am not sure if it’s a migraine or not. I just know my head hurts. Another reason for me to sleep.

This week is not supposed to be 90 degree weather but it is going to be in the 80s. I don’t know if the humidity is going to be up or down. The only day that the temp is not going to be above 85 is Tuesday, when I go see my therapist. I hope my back is better by then or driving that long distance might be a problem for me. I got to remember to get coffee before I leave Boston. Last time I was practically at her office when I realized I didn’t have coffee. It sucked. Luckily, I know where there is a Starbucks so I went to my spot.

I bought burgers when I bought the ground beef for the sauce. I haven’t made them because I haven’t been in a mood for burgers so I froze some of them today. I plan on making them for my dinner tonight, if I get hungry. I have the house to myself because my mother went to a Christening. I was supposed to go but I couldn’t trust my ankle. It’s still bothering me from all the cooking I did last night and my back is being a pain now so I am glad I didn’t go. It’s nice to finally have the house to myself for a couple of hours. I don’t have to worry so much about my mother getting ill. It’s such a worry all the time. Thankfully she hasn’t had an episode since the beginning of July and she has been taking good care of herself with the new insulin regimen. She hasn’t been below 100 since coming home, which is good.

I wish I didn’t eat all my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in one sitting the other night. I only wanted a little, like half a pint. But I ended up eating the whole pint. It was good but now I want some ice cream and I don’t have it. I would go to Walgreens and get some but I don’t feel like paying $6 for it. I am not that desperate for it. One of my Twitter buddies was going on and on about making gelato at home with lemon. He is really funny when he talks about cooking. Cracks me up. His partner asked if they could go out for ice cream and he said that was grounds for divorce. He is funny. My friend likes making stuff at home. I guess it’s better than going out. I know I am saving money on my burgers because a pack of 8 cost $8 whereas buying a burger from my favorite place is $10, just for one stinking burger, not including onion rings and a drink. And when I make the burger tonight, I will have a choice of cheeses, Swiss, cheddar, or American. I didn’t buy avocados this time. I am the only one that likes it and I had to waste a half because it went bad the last time I did buy it. I made a mean burger with it, much better than my favorite place. Only difference was there was no bacon, but I can live without. I have never really made bacon for burgers at home. Too much of clean up afterwards. I hate clean up.

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Saturday Blog 62

Saturday Blog 62

I made sliders for dinner. After dinner I was bored so I made sauce. And I am watching the baseball game while it cooks. I made it cook for three hours. It’s nice and thick and smells so yummy. My mother said I should have made a bowl of it. But the bread we have was not fresh and I hate eating stale bread. I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday when I see her, that is if my family doesn’t eat it all before then. Last time it went quick and I barely had any left over. But I made a small batch. This time I used 3 cans of tomatoes so it should last a while. I am proud of myself. Making sauce makes me happy because it’s something that I am good at.

After the blog I wrote this morning, I went back to sleep. I woke up around 1 and made some coffee. I thought my mother made both bags of cauliflower last night but she only made 1. So I made the cauliflower. I had some while the biscuits were cooking for the sliders. I then had some more while the biscuits were cooling. I love cauliflower. I can eat it plain, which is typically how I like it.

The baseball game is still going on but I had to get off my foot. I have been sneezing all day because the pollen count is high. I dared to take a shower between innings. Now my ankle and food are mad at me. I am tired so I will be going to bed soon. Next week starts college football and I can’t wait. Luckily Nebraska and OSU are at different times so I can watch both of them. I forget which is the afternoon game and which is the evening game.

I didn’t change my sheets today. I will try again tomorrow. I tried to clear off my bed but didn’t make too much headway with it. The sauce and baseball game kind of took over. I did a lot of cooking today which is why my ankle is hurting me. I am sure tomorrow it will hurt some more. I had to wash my feet because they were black as the ace of spades. I never wear socks or sandals on my feet in the house during the summer time. But they were really dirty as I haven’t take a shower in a few days so I washed them with a facecloth before my shower. My mother yells at me as I leave the dirt on the shower floor. I then have to clean it up but my back was killing me because of cooking and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted most of the dirt off so I can shower without cleaning it. After I showered, I did put on sandals so my feet didn’t get dirty again. By that time, the sauce was done cooking and I could go upstairs to my freezing room. I was having another sneeze attack as I was climbing the stairs. My mother heard me and asked me if I take anything for the pollen. I said I did so I took some Benadryl with the Allegra. I will be sleeping good tonight.

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Too Early to be in a bad mood

Too early to be in a bad mood

I woke up in a bad mood. I am trying not to let it get to me but it’s so difficult. I didn’t have any bad dreams nor am I in a lot of pain. My mood just sucks. I think it is because I emailed my psychiatrist last night and she hasn’t responded. It really makes me angry when she doesn’t say anything when I email her. Even one word and I would be happy because it would acknowledge that she got the email.

I plan on changing my sheets today. I was going to make sauce but decided that changing my sheets were more important. I am in too much of a mood to go downstairs and be with my mother. I really want to make pancakes for breakfast but my mother is still home. She usually leaves around 0930 to go to my aunt’s house. If I am still awake I will make them. I took some pain pills so I can do what I have to do today. My ankle is starting to throb so I just decided to head it off before it got worse. It gets worse and I won’t be able to do anything today that I want to do.

I still am feeling sad over the loss of my father. I guess that is one of the reason I am not in a good mood this morning. I got him on my brain. It is really tough to lose a parent, especially one that has caused you so much turmoil in your life. On one hand, you are grateful you don’t have to deal with his idiocy anymore but at the same time, you miss it. I remember at the last gathering we had, maybe Christmas, he was being a real jerk to me. Kept on making fun of me and what I was gathering on my plate. I didn’t have that much food on it but he thought I shouldn’t be eating that much. He was being such an ass. I hated him. He always treated me like I was doing something bad. I will never forget his laugh because he thought he was being funny. People have been telling me to remember the good memories and I laugh. There are no good memories with him. Only bad ones, some worse than others. He was never a kind, loving man. That is why this is so difficult. I never got the chance to tell him off, not that I would. I tolerated him because it was expected of me. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t see him for the rest of his days. Instead, I was there for the very last breath he took and it still haunts me till this day.

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Games and Grief

Games and Grief

There are two games going on currently, the Sox (baseball) and the Pats (football). The Pats are winning and my Sox are dreadfully losing. I swore at them in the first inning when the pitcher game up a 3 run homerun. I literally turned off the TV and said fuck you in front of my mother but I don’t think she heard me because I probably would have either been yelled at or smacked. I was so pissed off.

My sister asked me to babysit my niece and the game only got worse as the night went on. Better for the Pats, even though their star kicker missed field goals that he normally would have hit. So instead of being ahead by 6 more points we aren’t. I forget what the score is right now. 9-3 I think.

I am feeling really agitated and I don’t know why. I already have taken 8 mg of trilafon for the day. I have taken my night meds which includes an Ativan so I am waiting for that to kick in. I have stopped looking at Twitter for game updates. It’s either making me laugh or feel really sad.

My sister still has pics of my father hanging around the house since after the funeral. I almost lost it again today but held it together. It has been four months since he has passed. I was reading a blog about how I started drinking after my father was in the hospital for something that I thought was my fault. In the blog, I didn’t say what he was in for but it really upset me. The blog was in Oct of 2014. I think that was when he had a GI bleed.

My father has been on my mind the past few days. I still can’t get the last time I looked at him while he was alive out of my head. I had just given him some medication and just stared at him for a little while. He died probably not even a half hour after that. So surreal.

I feel really sad and have been fighting back tears for the last two days. Yesterday, I opened a drawer and found his hankies that I had taken while going through his clothes after we cleaned out his apartment. I almost lost it then. I had forgotten about them and did wonder where I had put them.

A friend of mine just lost her mother maybe a week ago. She is having a hard time with the loss. Everything she does reminds her of her mother. Cleaning out her house was the toughest. I feel her pain, I really do. No one prepares you for the loss of a parent. It’s not in any school and your parents certainly don’t prepare you. It just happens and then you are left wondering what the hell happened. Was there more that could have been done for him/her? You hope they didn’t die in pain. I know my father didn’t die in pain. He passed away peacefully in his own bed, just like he wanted to. And my father always got what he wanted above all else.

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Needed to go Out

Needed to go Out

I woke up late and made breakfast. Afterwards, I got a little antsy so I decided to go to Starbucks to do some journaling and then go to the meat market to get some ground beef and hamburgers. It was really humid out due to the thunderstorms passing through the area. I couldn’t wait to sit and freeze my ass off in Starbucks. I wrote for about an hour or so then left for the meat market. Surprisingly, my ankle didn’t conk out on me this time around.

When I got to the station, I paid for my T-Pass for the month and then waited for the bus. As I was waiting my niece came over so we talked as we waited. The bus was really late. Come to find out, it was the same bus that dropped me off in the Square. It started making noises as we headed off and at one point, was going slow as molasses. I thought it was going to break down. Luckily, we made it to our stop and went home.

I am really looking forward to making my meat sauce this weekend. I bought 2 lbs. of beef. It is going to be so yummy. I might use three cans of tomatoes as I have so much meat. I really need to go to Stop and Shop and get some containers so I can give some to my therapist when I see her Tuesday. I have no idea where I am going to put the extra sauce as our refrigerator is pretty full between my shopping and my mother’s. I had a hard time putting my stuff away, and I didn’t buy that much refrigerated things. Mostly just bought non-perishables, like cereals, tuna, crackers, etc. I did buy cauliflower because I have been dying to have some. My mother will be making it tonight with the fish she is making. She wanted to sauté it and I was like, you can do whatever you want with it. Just make it, LOL

I need to shower as I am so damn sweaty. The house is hotter than it is outside. I am stuck in my room cooling off as it’s the only room with AC. I should have had something to eat at Starbucks because I am starving. But I wasn’t hungry at the time. I thought about getting something sweet but they really didn’t have anything appealing to me, which is odd because I always find something I like.

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