midnightdemons7

Feeling more depressed

Last night I slept with the puppy because her mom was sleeping elsewhere. She didn’t really cuddle with me for too long and slept most of the night on her dog bed. I stayed in the room so she wouldn’t be alone.

I woke up and went to my room to take my morning meds. I tried going back to sleep and succeeded. I had a hard time sleeping for some reason. I kept tossing and turning. Then one of my in laws came over so I got up to see him. I don’t think I have seen him since my mother died. He looked good. He is back in the city, in another part where I live. He actually lives near the grocery store I frequent.

I had some breakfast and then I was full. I had a cup of coffee because I needed it. I finally had the right spoon for the sugar bowl so it was perfect. I had used a regular teaspoon the past few days and it was a little bit too much sugar. I started feeling a little hungry while my sister was making something but I didn’t eat anything. I am still full and I had some water and a glass of iced tea.

I have been having suicidal thoughts the past few days. Some of them have been scary because I could see myself act on them. I feel anxious about it because I don’t know what to do. Like I know what to do (use safety plan or text crisis line). I ended up using the crisis line. I talked with them for like an hour or so. I don’t have a solid plan so I told them I didn’t have a plan.

I finally changed my sheets. I feel good about this. It took me a long while. Now I just have to wash my dirty clothes that are in my room, including the old sheets. My foot is cold even though it is under the comforter. I don’t have the AC on, just the ceiling fan. It has been cool today though pollen count is still high.

I had an ensure with my night meds. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. I am tired but I know I won’t be able to sleep. It is too early. I have been going to bed before 8pm most nights and surprisingly, I have slept through most of the night except with a couple of waking up to pee. Last night I think I woke up twice to pee. I started a Powerade bottle because I was thirsty so I knew it was going to happen. But I was on the same level as the bathroom so it didn’t wake me up as much. Honey just stayed in her dog bed. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful. So I am going to try and stay up till at least 9pm and then go to bed.

Saturday Blog 05092026

My groceries came and I had a difficult time bringing them upstairs. I was tired as I had trouble sleeping last night. I kept tossing and turning. I was able to shave before the delivery and brush my teeth. I got my stuff ready for a shower. Bitch was complaining about me leaving it in the bathroom. Where was I supposed to put it?? I put away the perishables and left the heavy stuff. My nephew brought them up. I was resting when my foot got set off after my shower. I have a wicked headache. I am just not in a good mood.

I forgot how hard it is to bring everything up. Even harder trying to find space for it. I am a little overwhelmed. I will sort it out. I am debating on taking a pain med. I took some Tylenol for the headache. My feet are cold. I shut the AC off. The humidity seems to have gone down though it is still 70 degrees out. Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets. If I wasn’t in pain today I probably could have done it.

I am feeling wicked depressed. I think going off my meds is affecting me more than I realize. I just started going every other day with the Effexor. It will be another week before I am off it. Pain is not helping my mood. My back has been bothering me the last few days with spasms. I tried to put hot water while I was in the shower but I was fidgety so didn’t stay long. I got to find a lotion for my face as it is dry. And I hate lotions.

Can’t believe in a few days the semester starts. I haven’t touched the gender book. Or any book really. I have been going to bed early and doesn’t leave much time for reading. I can’t wait to see my therapist again. I have some issues to discuss with her. And I got to change my Oct appt as I forgot I see my neuro that day.

I don’t know if I will be watching the ballgame tonight. I am so tired. OSU’s first game was today and they annihilated Ball State. They won 56-3. It was a laugher. Every time I checked the score, OSU had the ball. I love that college football is back.

Tiring Friday

I slept pretty ok, waking up only twice to pee. I was wicked tired. I had weird dreams. My foot started acting up when I woke up. I got up around noon because I had to get my vaccinations for flu and covid at the pharmacy as well as pick up my meds. I also wanted to drop off my sharps at the collection box. I had my coffee because I wasn’t leaving the house without a cup. Then I brushed my teeth. It was too late to shave or shower so I was stinky.

I got to the bus stop and thought I missed the bus but it was just a little behind. I had to carry my sharps until after my vaccine shots and picking up my meds because of this. They give you a fifteen minute lee way and I didn’t want to be too late. I was thirsty so got something to drink and they had Reese’s oreos so I grabbed a package of that. Then I went to collection box. The walk to the bus stop was further than I thought it was. It was hot out and I was sweating. I was finished with the Gatorade thing I bought and wished I bought some water to go with it.

I went to the other pharmacy to get my weight loss drug and some milk for the cookies. I also got some water because I was thirsty again. I came home. I didn’t see my neighbor that I helped a few weeks ago. I wish I put my contact information in her phone. Or her notebook. I really hope she is ok. The puppy was all over me soon as I walked in the door. She is too funny. My shirt was soaked and I just wanted to sleep. I was so tired. My foot and ankle hurt so bad right now. I don’t know what I am going to do. I need a shower and a shave but I don’t think it will be today.

I was able to order my groceries and I was happy about it. Until one of my credit cards sent me a message that payment was due. Oops. I forgot about it. There is nothing I can do. I don’t have the money for it. I will try to pay some when I get paid next. I feel like such an idiot forgetting a payment. But the important thing is I got my groceries! They will be delivered tomorrow.

I gained a few pounds since the last time I weighed myself. I am still in the low 190s. I should be less next week. I think holding on to all the stool is what brought it up. I am still constipated. But I had to take pain meds this week because of my ankle. I still feel full. Even when I had that Gatorade drink I felt full and I didn’t even eat anything but a bite of the zucchini cake and my coffee. The zucchini cake is not good. I think because the zucchini was too watery it made the cake gooey and I don’t like it. No one has been eating it but me.

Too much

This might be a little cranky because I have not slept in more than 24 hrs. I am stressing over my finances. I don’t know if I have enough to cover everything because I was short at the start. I will find out tomorrow when everything clears. I feel like  a real loser. I just want to die and can’t find a reason to stay. I feel like my family hates me and would be better off if I wasn’t here.

I have tried to sleep today and no matter what I did, I couldn’t. I was in a lot of pain last night with my foot and ankle. This is the second time this week it has flared up. Only thing I can think of is the drop in temps. It went down to the 60s last night. It was nice but my room was still hot so I had to put the AC on. I was listening to music for most of the night until 2am and then I decided to read my book. It got a little complicated so I couldn’t read much. My brain just couldn’t hold on to what the material was talking about and I thought about my own racial biases growing up. I didn’t know what calling a Latino person a “spic” was wrong. Maybe I did deep down but everyone called them that like no problem. We, well, I wasn’t friends with that crowd. My sister was so I guess she knew. I never said the word outside of the house. We had Puerto Ricans move in the last year or two before we moved out. It was not good. They brought bugs and they smelled and they didn’t care. They listened to loud salsa music all the time. It was awful.

I didn’t shave or do anything today. I felt like I was in a haze. I laid down in the afternoon and lost track of time. It was close to five and I was like where did time go? I’ve just had interest in playing my game. I haven’t been on social media that much. Game is about to start but I am going to go to bed before I do something stupid. I just don’t feel right right now. I feel really sad. I didn’t get my meds. I will have to go in the morning.