why does therapy have to be so hard

Why does therapy have to be so hard?

why does therapy have to be so hard? I have a good therapist but just feel a disconnect with her and it makes it so damn hard to go to therapy because of it. also she wants sessions to be productive and i am just not motivated. with her for 2 yrs now. just don’t see the point. Yesterday I left after fifteen minutes. She said she couldn’t hold me here so I said let’s schedule for next week and she did. I said bye. This is the first time a therapist let me leave the session early. She texted me later on that afternoon as she had a conflict with the time she gave me, she had to change it. So I said ok it is fine and hope to see you. She asked why hope? I frankly said I don’t care for therapy anymore and want to quit. I am not suicidal just very depressed. If she wants me to have productive sessions that is just burdening me because I am not motivated to be productive all the time. I know I have issues but it takes a lot for me to deal with them. This therapist isn’t the inviting type so I am put off by her stance of sure just leave if you don’t want to be here. I just feel like she doesn’t care if I am there or not. I am struggling to be present in therapy and this is just making it harder to go.

I had my appointment with my pcp today. It went ok. He wants to see me in three months unless something comes up and I need to see him sooner. I woke up late so didn’t have my coffee so after the appointment I did. I had two cups and wanted to sleep but my B&B went out of whack and I kept going to the bathroom.

I just had a lovely webinar with Dr. Suzanne Koven about writing. It was wonderful. Just writing twenty minutes a day has been shown to help ease anxiety and stress. I am glad I do this blogging every day as it does help me. Dr. Koven is a brilliant writer. I enjoyed listening to her tonight.

writing on a Monday

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.

sunday Blog 19092021

Sunday Blog 19092021

This flu shot is kicking my butt. I am still tired and slept all day, again. I had a hard time sleeping during the night. I woke up at 2 to pee and then I couldn’t go back to sleep till 5 or so. I ended up taking some Ativan to go back to sleep.

My therapist responded to my message I sent her. She didn’t say it explicitly but wants me to keep my appointment tomorrow. I am still not sure it is worth it. I am struggling so much with therapy. Some days it helps, other days it is a real struggle to be there, to be vulnerable with someone else.

I need to shower today. I stink. I also need to shave my head again. I did last night and it felt good but my hair grows so fast that I need to shave the stubble off. I bought a new T-Shirt that I think I am going to wear after I shower. I have to change into underwear because I want to see if I still have discharge. I can’t tell with boxers.

I had a bowl of cereal for lunch. It has been the only thing I have eaten today. My mother made chicken cutlets so I might have that for dinner. I have been really bad at hydrating the past two days. I think I only drank like a half a Gatorade yesterday and today with one cup of coffee. The uro said that I need to empty my bladder two hours after I drink my coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I meant to do that today but I fell asleep for like four hours. It has been so hard to get up. I don’t want to do anything. Last night I wanted to read for a little bit so that I could feel accomplished doing something and I ended up going back to sleep around 8pm. I feel so lifeless. I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days. I thought buying a new toothpaste would help me brush more but nope. I know it is this time of year. I get depressed always during mid-August to February. Sometimes it lasts longer.

There are eleven games left in the regular baseball season. My Sox are still contending for the wild card. It will come down to the final last few games. If things stay as they are, we will play Toronto in a one game playoff. The Jays can be a killer and we haven’t done well with them. All comes down to pitching.

saturday blog 18092021

Saturday Blog 18092021

Yesterday I got my flu shot so today I just have been sleeping most of the day. I went out three times yesterday because I had to do stuff and I think that just added to my exhaustion. My uro appointment went well. She was ok with me increasing the bladder spasm medication. She just warned me about constipation with it. I have been taking the Miralax regularly so I should be ok.

Sox won their 85th game today. I slept through most of it as it was a day game. They won last night too. I am glad Bogaerts is back in the lineup. He was on the Covid list for a while. I am glad he is doing better.

I need to shave today. I haven’t in the past few days because I was busy. I will probably do it later tonight. I haven’t showered in a few days either but I don’t think that is happening today. I just feel so damn tired I don’t want to do anything. I had one cup of coffee today with some biscuits. I haven’t eaten anything else. I might have cereal later if I get hungry. I bought new cereal. I like the Quaker oatmeal squares honey nut. It is really good.