low pain day until I came home

Low pain day until I came home

I finally went to sleep around 0330 and woke up around 1030. My mother made bacon but I only had a few slices as it was really salty. I had enough time to catch the next bus but I didn’t want to leave the house that early as I knew I would be tired by the time I got to my therapy appointment.

I fiddled on my phone and checked my balance of my checking account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I got on my laptop and paid my bill. I also ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. I ordered a lot of stuff as my friend gave me a dessert recipe that I want to try. It’s a lemon cheesecake dessert that looks really easy to make. I am cheating by using a graham crust rather than golden Oreos. I like graham cracker crust anyway with cream cheese. Just tastes better.

By the time I figured out how to pay for one of my new credit cards by phone, it was time to catch the bus. I got dressed and left. There was construction at my stop so I had to walk to the one down the street. I didn’t mind as I had time. I stopped at the liquor store to buy some tonic water and then waited for the bus. When the bus came, I placed my mobile order for Starbucks so it would be ready when I got there.

I brought a book with me in case I got tired of writing in my journal. I had a good hour or so before I had to leave to catch the train so I read. I started a new book by Dr. Peter Grinspoon. It’s about his struggles with addiction. I couldn’t put the book down when I started reading it. It quickly passed the time. I got to the station and my therapist’s office with a few minutes to spare.

Therapy went well. We talked about my pain and how to cope with it better. He wants me to try and just focus on the pain and not the other things that crop up, like my PTSD, suicidality, etc. I said that was easier said than done. He said it wasn’t going to happen overnight but with practice it could be easier to deal with while I wait for the meds to work. He is on vacation next week so I won’t be seeing him until the week after.

I am really tired as my ankle flared up when I came home. I was putting the stuff I bought at Walgreens away and my ankle didn’t want any part of it. I am so sick of this happening. My therapist got that. I was glad that he didn’t go spastic when I was bringing up my suicidality with him. I told him multiple times how much the pain causes me to plan and think about suicide. I also told him how my blog has changed since that idiot jerk called the cops on me last year. It’s no longer my venting space and I think that has caused a bottle neck to occur because I no longer have this as an outlet to my negative emotions like it once was. I have to be more present in what I write and if I do that, I have a hard time writing. I just struggle with getting my words out that aren’t worrisome. I find that I am more apt to writing long journal entries than a blog post. I feel like I am doing a disservice to my readership. I am sorry one bad apple spoiled the bunch but I can’t have the police knocking on my door because pain caused me to feel suicidal and post about it.

I think this issue is going to take multiple sessions to work on. I am thinking about joining the chronic pain group my psychiatrist wants me to go to. I just haven’t called the coordinator to set it up. I just feel so fed up with my suicidality hindering the process to begin with that I really don’t want to go for fear of saying the wrong thing and being kicked out of group. That would be more devastating to me than anything.

I’m in mega pain right now and I don’t know how it got to be almost 2000. I just had dinner, which my ankle didn’t like. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom as I am in a lot of pain and doing stairs would not be good. I just want to rest my ankle as much as possible now that I don’t have to do anything the rest of the night. I do need to get up to take my night meds. I will in a little while. I want to digest some of my dinner first.

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Sunday Baseball

Sunday Baseball

It’s been a slow day. I’m listening to the ball game after I watched some of it in the kitchen. I ordered pizza as I was craving it. I sweated a lot while in the hot kitchen and when I was done with my pizza, I went upstairs and turned on the AC. I had shut it off to give it a bit of a rest as it had been running since Friday night.

I have been fighting a nap all day. I made coffee but I still feel tired. My mother made pasta and sauce for dinner. I am a sucker for pasta. I still need to make my dirty gravy but it’s too hot to cook in the kitchen right now. If we ever have low seventy days, I will thaw the meat out and make it.

I was having cramps for most of the day yesterday so I emailed my psych on what to do. I had taken baclofen, Ativan, and magnesium supplements and still had no effect on my foot. She said to drink tonic water. I wanted to reply and ask with or without gin. HAHA. I’ll have to go to the liquor store and get some. In the meantime, I have been taking some old dissolvible quinine tablets that I got at the Vitamin Shoppe years ago before I was on Ativan. I practically begged my psych to put me on Ativan after a wicked bad spasm caused an ankle sprain, which lead to CRPS eventually. I was so embarrassed to tell people I had sprained my ankle because of a cramp. I had a big boot on for a while and then a smaller boot for weeks. It was awful. I never healed because my job was so demanding with walking around the lab and stuff. I was constantly going from one building to another to the office which was a few blocks away and back. I was able to keep my weight in check back then. It all went to shit when I had a psych hospitalization and then I was let go at my work because of my disability. Then I didn’t care what I weighed. I still have been stable the last few years, losing and gaining the same 5-8 pounds, which Neurontin likes to hold on to.

I was able to shower because my pain was low. It’s getting up there now. My foot is just aching. Today has been a better day though, which I am grateful. I filled my pill box after my shower to get it out of the way. I’ll be taking my meds soon as I am really tired.

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Painful, do nothing Saturday 

I woke up in severe pain and took my meds. I didn’t go back to sleep right away. I wasn’t hungry so I just made iced coffee. It was good. It kept me from going back to sleep. 

Around 1400, I called my mother to find out what she was going to do for supper. She said she’d make a stir fry. I really wanted pizza but whatever.

I took a nap. Had a dream I was in the lab again. I was working double shifts. I was in pain in the dream. I woke up and sure enough, I was. My mother called me and I had dinner. It was gross. My mother made a rice stir fry with chicken using lemon and soy sauce. I should have ordered pizza. My stomach is reeling. I am so mad at her for ruining the meal.

I’m not going to do anything today. I’m still in a lot of pain and my mood is down. It’s still humid out so I’ve just been staying in my room. I’m going to take some more pain meds and neurontin. Don’t fucking care. I hate being in this much pain.

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pain, espresso, and a haircut

Pain, espresso, and a haircut

I woke up in pain, again. It’s starting to happen every morning and does not go away despite me doing things like make breakfast or going out. I was going to stay in today so I took some Neurontin with my pain meds. I then went downstairs to make breakfast. I didn’t feel like making coffee at home so I decided to go out to the Square and then get a haircut.

I left my house and my cousin was outside. He gave me a ride to the Square so I didn’t have to take the bus. I was grateful because I didn’t know when the Neurontin was going to kick in. I got my espresso and then went to the barber shop.

I drank my coffee as I waited for my barber. He was with another customer but I was next in line so I didn’t mind waiting. The coffee kept me awake. He cut my hair very short, a military style cut and I loved it. I had to wait a half hour for the bus so I went to Chipotle for lunch.

The bus was late and then was further delayed because there was a blind man exiting the bus and needed help maneuvering around the bus depot. A few passengers helped him get to where he wanted to go. Then people boarded the bus. The bus driver was heavy on the gas, which made me nervous. It also made me seasick as she kept having to put the brakes on each stop. I sat when my stop came up because my foot was already screaming at me and I didn’t want the extra exertion of weight bearing to keep my balance.

As soon as I got to my house, the thunderstorms started. I got in just in time for a downpour. It cooled off a little bit but it was still humid. I went to my room to cool off before taking a shower. I waited at least an hour and then I took a cool shower. I went back to my room and my foot completely had a fit. It started cramping and then while I was putting on my PJs, it exploded in pain. I had to put thermal socks on because it got ice cold. I took some Ativan and more pain meds. I am pretty sleepy now and plan on taking a nap, if the pain calms down enough. I had to take a strong pain pill after the foot explosion because I couldn’t take more regular pain meds. I am so depressed. I really wanted to kill myself but it’s too hot for me to travel to where I want to go. I thought about texting my therapist but I didn’t want to bother him. I also thought about paging my psych but she is booked and I don’t know when she’d be able to call me back. I really don’t want to go to the hospital anyways. I just want my damn pain to be controllable. Putting on clothes shouldn’t be a trigger for more pain.

My mother made grilled cheese for dinner. She served pickles with them. Every time I bit into it, the pickle juice went down the wrong pipe and I choked. That was great! Then my foot really cramped up while putting the paper dishes in the trash. I am just so annoyed that I am in so much pain. I am not getting up for anything except taking my meds later on and using the bathroom if I need to. I will listen to the ball game tonight if I am awake enough. I really need a nap.

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so fucking fed up

So fucking fed up

I woke up at dawn because that is when the sun was shining into my room, brightening it up. It was a little after 0515. I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took my meds. I wanted to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. Around 0630, I was getting hungry so I made an egg sandwich. I then went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to be up for my dentist appointment. I was debating going as my foot and ankle were hurting but decided to keep it as I knew if I cancelled, I wasn’t going to reschedule.

I slept until my alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make coffee but I would be going to the Square so I didn’t make it. I shaved my head, which resulted in razor burn in the back of my head. I took a shower and then rested for an hour or so. I brushed my teeth, which my ankle didn’t like. I had slipped in the shower so it was smarting.

I went to the bank and there was no line at all so I got to the dentist office early. They took me early. They didn’t take any x-rays, which I was grateful because they always make me gag. I had three cavities. It’s been a few hours since the cleaning and my teeth still hurt from the scraping and flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I am not looking forward to having three cavities filled. The dentist said I need a special toothpaste at night to help protect my teeth better. I hope it’s not gross because I can’t rinse my mouth after I brush or eat or drink for 4 hours. That’s going to be tricky. I guess I will have to take my night meds and then brush my teeth. It’s going to be a challenge but I don’t want more cavities.

I went to Starbucks for lunch and my espresso. I went to deposit my money in my checking account. After I ate, I didn’t feel like writing so went to the barber shop. My barber was out until 1630. I didn’t feel like hanging around till then so caught the next bus home. My foot/ankle was throbbing and I needed pain meds and to put my leg up.

My pain got worse when I got home. I really am fed up. Then at dinner, my mother hated my new PJs and hair style. I am so sick of her comments. She is the most unsupportive person that is supposed to be a caring parent that I ever met. I wish I could ignore her ignorance but I live with her so it’s difficult. Then she wonders why I don’t talk to her. Least it didn’t set off my suicidal urges like it normally does. The pain is doing a fine enough job about that. I think I will get my hair fixed on Saturday. Tomorrow I need to rest or my ankle/foot is just going to kill me. I still want to try and make iced coffee at home. I think I have figured out the coffee to water ratio to make it work.

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