First day of Fall 22-Sept-18

First day of Fall 22 Sept 18

I read a few chapters of the book “Helping the suicidal person” By Dr. Stacey Freedenthal. I bought it because I am a geek in suicidology and because I came to know the therapist through Twitter during a rough patch. I was extremely hopeless and she gave me links on her blog to help. This all lead me to write the therapist blog I have been meaning to write. I was almost done when I got a phone call. It was my friend’s husband saying that they located my elderly friend in the hospital and that was why he hasn’t been returning our phone calls. I am relieved. Tomorrow we are going to see him. So while we were talking, I lost my train of thought so decided to write another one, on a different topic.

Today has been cool. I woke up later than I wanted. I was debating on going to the bank or not and to do the errands I needed to do. I ended up going to the bank and then to the Stop and Shop for a few things. I came home and made a sandwich. I bought cold cuts. It and four cookies have been all that I have eaten today. I might have a burrito after I take my night meds. I am getting hungry again.

It got really musty in my room because I shut the fan off. I left to use the bathroom and when I came back, put the AC on but on a high temp so I didn’t freeze. I just need it to dehumidify my room. I plan on getting some damp rid stuff to control the odor. It is bad because of the rain and what not and I don’t have much air circulating because I keep my door closed to block the sounds of the TV downstairs. My allergies have been awful today for a low/medium count. Sinuses hurt and I have post nasal drip. Fucking sucks. I have year round allergies so I know part of it is the change in weather (for now). I should have taken another allegra this morning but didn’t because the pollen was low. Won’t do that again.

I got to shave my head. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower after or not. I really don’t want to. I might wait until tomorrow as I will be going out anyways. I want to take one this morning but it never happened. My mother said something about me sleeping late the last two days. I just ignored her. She doesn’t understand anyway. I went to request a refill of my ear drops as the eczema is back in my ear. The drops I have, have expired. Med isn’t in my med list. I have no idea when it was taken off. I am so annoyed because I go through this every single year since my new PCP and he always gives me a hard time filling the med. I wouldn’t request it if I didn’t need it. It is either use these drops or scratch the fuck out of my ear canal. Maybe I should tell him that. How did I get this moron???

back pain sucks!

Back pain sucks!

I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in, which is weird because I almost never do. My back was hurting. I slowly shift so I could take my meds and get up. Standing hurt like a SOB. My legs were hurting so bad. And I could not stand up straight. Not a good sign. I went to the bathroom and did my business. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted coffee but decided to hold off. I wanted to go into town so I could get a new disability pass for the T. Bus was coming in like 4 minutes and there was no way I was rushing as I hurt too bad. There was another bus in 25 minutes. That was better. By the time I was ready, I had like 9 minutes before the bus showed up. I walked to the bus stop and was half way down the street when I needed to rest. My back was not having it. I stopped where some stairs were. I checked when the bus would come and I still had some time. I just had to cross the main street and hope that the bus stop had a seat because there was no way I would be able to stand waiting.

I got on the bus and was chatting with my BFF. She totally gets how the back pain is. I got to the train station and carefully made my way to where I had to go. It was at a train stop but it was on the other side of the station. I walked down the wrong concourse. Then when I was going the right way, there were stairs everywhere. WTF There was a guy drinking when I got to the final staircase and I said are you fucking kidding me and he yelled at me. I told him it wasn’t directed at him and I apologized. He didn’t care what the fuck I was doing or where I was going. I finally made it to where I was. I should have brought water with me as I was thirsty. It was quick and then I got home. I was almost at my stop so I stood up. OMG my spine moved and it hurt so bad. I sat back down. When the train came to the stop, I got up gingerly and was okay. I got on the escalator. Bus was coming in a few minutes but I knew it was just an estimate. I waited at the stop, standing, for at least 15 minutes. I was hurting so fucking bad. I was just worried about walking the block home. I needed coffee.

Mail had come when I got to my house. My back was killing me. I put the barrels in the driveway so my sister wouldn’t yell at me. I separated the mail and then made my coffee. I took off my braces as it was making, so I thought. I got back and the Keurig needed water. Fucking fuck. I filled it and it made a full cup of coffee. Sometimes I get ¾ of a cup. I carefully brought it and the mail upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went to the kitchen to rest and make something to eat. As I drank the coffee I didn’t know what I wanted. I made my go to, a fried egg. When I finished that, I was still hungry so I had a burger. I ate it with my coffee.

Yesterday I complained to Starbucks about how I had to wait for a cookie that didn’t have to be warmed because of their new system. Once you place an order, the Starbucks person needs to wait for a sticker to do the order. The cashier wasn’t doing anything. All he had to do after I placed my order was get the cookie. I waited like 10 minutes for the thing. I was so mad. I got $7 for my inconvenience. I am glad because the new system sucks. I have no idea why they are wasting paper instead of writing on the cup. So stupid. Casi Cielo is back. I am getting another bag along with Pike. I am running low on coffee. I am going to get some more on Monday. I am also going to try and get a reusable pod thing so I don’t waste coffee. I saw them in CVS and hope they still carry them. I will try and get them online if I can’t find it.

Monday is going to be a busy day as I got a doctor’s appointment and then see my therapist. I am going to be out all day. Hope my legs are up to it. I do have Tuesday as a rest day. Not a busy week but therapy takes a lot out of me, just physically and emotionally. Last night I was thinking of writing a blog about it. I might do that later today if I can remember my thoughts. I think it will be interesting to write about how different he is from the other therapists I have had. He is number 14. I have had a lot, from all different degrees. Maybe I will write it on paper and then type it up. We’ll see.

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

A day of rest yet still in pain

A day of rest yet still in pain

Yesterday I stayed in bed most of the day. I slept for the majority of the time. Both ankles were still hurting and my left foot/ankle was still swollen, though not as much. It really didn’t go down until late last night. I wanted to write a blog but after about an hour of just checking email and trying to remember my password for my book thing, I got tired and went back to sleep. I had every intention of writing a blog, it just never happened. I still am locked out of my book thing. I just tweeted to try and get help that way as you apparently need to log in to ask for help (that is useful when you can’t do so!)

Both ankles are still hurting me though not as much as they were. My left is worse than my right. I made a bacon sandwich but I couldn’t finish it. My appetite has been awful the past few days. I just am not hungry. Yesterday all I had was an egg sandwich and a protein bar. I didn’t feel like eating. I also haven’t been drinking though my bladder has been going. My kidneys are still functioning.

I had to call my dentist office because I received an explanation of benefits for Aug 3rd of this year. I haven’t been to the dentist since like January. They billed it wrong and got the wrong teeth on the thing so will have to redo it. It is from the work they did last year that they never billed. I had emailed my insurance but if they respond, I will let them know it is an error.

I’m still debating on changing my appointment with PT tomorrow. But I got to get out of the house. It will depend on my pain levels. Just making the bacon kind of caused more pain. I also went down to my sister’s to make coffee. I didn’t want to make it.

I got into the book thing. I was using the wrong email address. UGH. Having the same but different email accounts suck! I just hope I remember now. All that hassle for nothing. I emailed my PT saying that the exercises are painful as I am still sore. I tried to do them and my foot didn’t like it. Moving my foot up still hurts. I think it is still swollen. I have been taking ibuprofen to calm it down. I haven’t taken any today. Sucks when you need your lower body to walk and it hurts. My mother’s back is hurting her today. She is not using the walker to get around so that looks like a good sign. I still am nervous about her going up to her bedroom. I don’t think she is ready because she still has trouble on the stairs going into our apartment.

Swirl of Things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

Swirl of things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

If you are a daily reader, I apologize for not writing for a few days. I’ve been in a lot of pain and yesterday I had my cousin’s wedding. It went well. My ankle is still swollen from last night and I have the concert to go to tonight. I am wicked worried. But I don’t want a ticket to go to waste. I had some difficulty going to sleep and slept pretty hard when I finally did. Least until my damn med alarm went off at 7. I had changed the time because I was up early one morning and never changed it back. Dumb move. I fell back to sleep okay and thought I was going to sleep the day away. I really wanted to. But my bladder wouldn’t have it.

I got up and had coffee. Then my mother made grilled cheese for lunch. My sister wants to go to some Mexican restaurant where the concert will be so that should be fun. I love Mexican food. I am always up to trying new stuff. I know the burritos and stuff is so much different than Taco Bell, lol. I hope I won’t be in too much pain. I managed okay at the wedding with taking BT meds. I mostly drank water the whole night. I didn’t want soda. I did have one coke but that was it. I didn’t want to go to the bar. I took some pictures and when I showed them to my mother, she said I didn’t take a picture of the dress. I thought the person IN the dress was more important! She was absolutely beautiful. All my cousins were and my aunt, the mother of the bride. I talked with my cousin, the oldest sister of the bride. She looked stunning. Her hair was done up and she hated it. I liked it. We laughed about it. I took a picture with her. I really don’t have any pictures with them. It is something I regretted when my uncle died earlier this year so I when I am together with them, I try to take a picture. I didn’t much talk with the lunatic and she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care. We sat at different tables. I was grateful. I did feel bad for my cousin’s wife who sat next to her as it looked like she was talking her ear off.

The ride home was a lot faster than getting there. There was a bunch of fog so we took it slow until we got to the highway. We couldn’t see more than two feet in front of us. My ankle was so done. We had this incline to get to the parking lot and I knew if I tried it, I was going to hurt so went down some stairs and walked to the car. It was better to be on level ground. The place was so beautiful. It was a castle and just majestic. I didn’t take any pictures. I didn’t think of it. Oh well.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Monday. I might have to reschedule my appointment with PT, depends on how I do tonight. I know I am bringing my cane with me. I didn’t wear the air cast for my sprain. It seems okay though it is kind of sore right now. I haven’t decided if I will wear it tonight. We will be leaving in a couple of hours. I want to shower but I know it will take some energy I will need tonight. I still have no idea what I am going to wear for a T shirt. I am in a white shirt right now but I am not wearing that out. I just wear white as an undershirt or for around the house.

The dress shirt I wore was perfect but I hated the things on my chest. It would have fit better if I didn’t have those fucking things. God, do I hate them. Makes me want to get a sharp knife and cut them off. I am scared that if I ever did do it, the surgeon would reattach the things. That would piss me off! I just got to wait for top surgery, which is so fucking long!!

Humidity is going to be ugly today. I really, really, really cannot wait for a temp of 70 or so without fucking humidity!! But summer isn’t over yet and then we’ll probably have an Indian summer so AC stays in! It probably will stay until November. I think I took it out the beginning of Dec last year. I didn’t use it for a month but the colder weather started so I needed to out to keep my room warm. That is when I broke my screen. Oops. I have fixed it though. My brother in law will put it in when he takes it out. I tried putting the sucker in, but my arms are too short to really reach where it needs to go. I also don’t have the strength to do it. It is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I am debating on having my brother in law take it out of my room or not. I really want a new AC for next year. I am saving up for it now. I have about 6 months to save and I think I can do it, if I don’t get impulsive or have my painsomnia spending sprees. That was kind of crazy. I am glad they have stopped since I am on the new meds.

I might write tomorrow but not sure. Depends on how I feel. Hopefully I won’t be in horrible pain the next few days. But I planned a few rest days so hopefully that will help.