midnightdemons7

Fuck it Sunday

I had some weird dreams and woke up kind of perturbed. I wanted coffee. I had a dark roast which isn’t my usual coffee that I have. I don’t know if it was that or the senna that upset my stomach, but damn, I was in some serious pain afterwards. I didn’t want to do a fucking thing today. I didn’t shave. I had my cousin come over and take care of the forest at the back of my neck.

I did my meds. I got rid of the recycle that was on my bed and started taking things slowly off my bed. I want to change my sheets this week. I really don’t like them because they are white and everything shows up on them. It’s driving me crazy. I want my solid color back.

It’s been a cloudy day with some rain this afternoon. It stopped but it remained cloudy. My brother in law made some peppers and steak so I had some. It was good. I took some zucchinis so I can make my zucchini bread. I just need to find the recipe. I don’t know what my sister did with my recipes. I tried to find it on my phone and it wasn’t there. There are like a million recipes and I don’t remember where I got it from. It was a good one because the bread was moist and tasted really chocolatey.

Other than therapy, I have one appt this week. It’s for an ultrasound. I got to leave in the morning and it is a six hour fast. I am going to bring a sub with me so I can eat it after the test. Maybe I will get an iced tea and chips too. They have a little café shoppe in the lobby. Hopefully I will have some money left in my check when I get it tomorrow.

It’s kind of humid today despite it raining. I have my AC off because I was cold. It just felt cold out. Sox won. I am glad the game was early. Now I can read tonight. There are three weeks till the semester starts. I am going to start the gender book next week. It is an online class. I just hope it isn’t intense. I am hoping for an easy semester. I wish I had some ice cream.

Saturday Blog 22082026

I slept most of the day because I couldn’t sleep for whatever reason last night. I got up to pee around 1130pm and I was up all night. I finally took some Ativan around 4am. I thought about reading but I had a damn headache. My hopes for attending the suicide webinar didn’t happen. Tomorrow is the last day but there isn’t anything that is piquing my interests. I don’t know the speakers.

My sister ordered pizza so I had some of that. I had something to eat with my coffee early today. I had two cups of coffee. I tried listening to the ballgame but my head couldn’t take the commentary. I am feeling tired but still have some energy to be awake. I am going to read my book.

All week, I have been going to bed before 9pm. I just have been feeling super tired. My mood has been so so today. Honey is with her dad. He came to pick her up and I am sad. I haven’t been thinking about suicide the past few days. I just been down. I feel guilty most of the time and like a failure. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel useless. I try to distract myself from the feelings. I was talking to a friend today who was having a rough time. I tried to be supportive to her. Some days are just bad days. I don’t know if today is a bad day for me. I have been too sleepy.

My leg hurts me for some reason. I don’t have a headache right now. It finally went away. It is exhausting to have them tho for so long. It really is debilitating. I hate that I missed Jobes talk the other day. But there is a webinar in Sept on suicidology that he is giving so I hope to attend that. I worry that my headaches will interfere with my reading for my classes. I hope it doesn’t because that will suck.

Got things done

I didn’t sleep at all yesterday. I finally crashed around 630pm. I had a headache and I have one today too, though I think it is turning into a migraine. I wanted to shower last night but I lost energy. I wanted to take a shower before therapy today but I didn’t get up in time.

Therapy went ok. We talked about how bad I feel. She suggested partial hospitalization and I turned it down. I don’t want it. She suggested respite but there is none close to me. She asked what I was going to do when she went on vacation and I told her I would be ok.

After therapy, I had coffee. I tried to get the puppy outside but she was being stubborn. After I had my coffee, I took a shower and then shaved. I had to go pick up my meds but it was too early as the pharmacy was taking their meal break. I think I left around 3pm for the bus. I gave myself plenty of time to walk there. It was humid out. I was sweating and I hated it. I wasn’t wearing my hat as I forgot it. It wasn’t sunny out as it was supposed to rain. I grabbed a few items after I picked up my meds.

I came home and the puppy was whiny. I don’t know what she wanted. After I had something to eat, I took her for a walk. She seemed ok after that. It started to drizzle out so we went in and she started to whine again. I figured maybe she wanted to cuddle and that settled her down. I stayed with her until I had to go up to my room to take my night meds. The game is playing but I will just keep track of it. I was going to listen to it but this headache is really a bitch.

I had pain last night. I had a headache and my ankle was hurting. I missed the webinar I was supposed to attend. I just couldn’t do it with the headache. I took some Tylenol and my pain meds. But I was tossing and turning most of the night. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. So I got up and read for a bit. Next thing I knew it was 4am. Decided to stay up. I made a PB&J as I was hungry. I didn’t make coffee as I wasn’t in the mood for it just yet.

I went back to my room and tried to snooze. Failed. I took my meds around 8. I didn’t get up till 11 I think. I don’t remember. I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was hot out. I brought some change with me to buy another container of peanut butter but damn, it was expensive. Small jar for $5. Anyway, I didn’t bring enough money with me. I had to pay for my prescription because MassHealth wouldn’t pay for it. Jerks.

I got home all sweaty and stunk worse than I did. I need a shower and a shave. Don’t know about shaving. I am going to shower first and see how I feel. If my back doesn’t act up, I’ll shave.

I got my adjusted financial aid today. If it stays this way, I don’t have to pay for the semester. There still are no books for the classes I have in person. Next week I will start reading the gender book. I am still trying to get through the Neurosis book I started. Having headaches makes reading hard. Been trying to read at least one chapter a night.

I made a PB&J for dinner. I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to cook. I had just enough peanut butter left to make the sandwich. Now I am out and I am sad. I am debating putting in a grocery order when I get paid on Mon. It will be tight but I think I can swing it.