Saturday Blog 62

Saturday Blog 62

I made sliders for dinner. After dinner I was bored so I made sauce. And I am watching the baseball game while it cooks. I made it cook for three hours. It’s nice and thick and smells so yummy. My mother said I should have made a bowl of it. But the bread we have was not fresh and I hate eating stale bread. I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday when I see her, that is if my family doesn’t eat it all before then. Last time it went quick and I barely had any left over. But I made a small batch. This time I used 3 cans of tomatoes so it should last a while. I am proud of myself. Making sauce makes me happy because it’s something that I am good at.

After the blog I wrote this morning, I went back to sleep. I woke up around 1 and made some coffee. I thought my mother made both bags of cauliflower last night but she only made 1. So I made the cauliflower. I had some while the biscuits were cooking for the sliders. I then had some more while the biscuits were cooling. I love cauliflower. I can eat it plain, which is typically how I like it.

The baseball game is still going on but I had to get off my foot. I have been sneezing all day because the pollen count is high. I dared to take a shower between innings. Now my ankle and food are mad at me. I am tired so I will be going to bed soon. Next week starts college football and I can’t wait. Luckily Nebraska and OSU are at different times so I can watch both of them. I forget which is the afternoon game and which is the evening game.

I didn’t change my sheets today. I will try again tomorrow. I tried to clear off my bed but didn’t make too much headway with it. The sauce and baseball game kind of took over. I did a lot of cooking today which is why my ankle is hurting me. I am sure tomorrow it will hurt some more. I had to wash my feet because they were black as the ace of spades. I never wear socks or sandals on my feet in the house during the summer time. But they were really dirty as I haven’t take a shower in a few days so I washed them with a facecloth before my shower. My mother yells at me as I leave the dirt on the shower floor. I then have to clean it up but my back was killing me because of cooking and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted most of the dirt off so I can shower without cleaning it. After I showered, I did put on sandals so my feet didn’t get dirty again. By that time, the sauce was done cooking and I could go upstairs to my freezing room. I was having another sneeze attack as I was climbing the stairs. My mother heard me and asked me if I take anything for the pollen. I said I did so I took some Benadryl with the Allegra. I will be sleeping good tonight.

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Too Early to be in a bad mood

Too early to be in a bad mood

I woke up in a bad mood. I am trying not to let it get to me but it’s so difficult. I didn’t have any bad dreams nor am I in a lot of pain. My mood just sucks. I think it is because I emailed my psychiatrist last night and she hasn’t responded. It really makes me angry when she doesn’t say anything when I email her. Even one word and I would be happy because it would acknowledge that she got the email.

I plan on changing my sheets today. I was going to make sauce but decided that changing my sheets were more important. I am in too much of a mood to go downstairs and be with my mother. I really want to make pancakes for breakfast but my mother is still home. She usually leaves around 0930 to go to my aunt’s house. If I am still awake I will make them. I took some pain pills so I can do what I have to do today. My ankle is starting to throb so I just decided to head it off before it got worse. It gets worse and I won’t be able to do anything today that I want to do.

I still am feeling sad over the loss of my father. I guess that is one of the reason I am not in a good mood this morning. I got him on my brain. It is really tough to lose a parent, especially one that has caused you so much turmoil in your life. On one hand, you are grateful you don’t have to deal with his idiocy anymore but at the same time, you miss it. I remember at the last gathering we had, maybe Christmas, he was being a real jerk to me. Kept on making fun of me and what I was gathering on my plate. I didn’t have that much food on it but he thought I shouldn’t be eating that much. He was being such an ass. I hated him. He always treated me like I was doing something bad. I will never forget his laugh because he thought he was being funny. People have been telling me to remember the good memories and I laugh. There are no good memories with him. Only bad ones, some worse than others. He was never a kind, loving man. That is why this is so difficult. I never got the chance to tell him off, not that I would. I tolerated him because it was expected of me. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t see him for the rest of his days. Instead, I was there for the very last breath he took and it still haunts me till this day.

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Games and Grief

Games and Grief

There are two games going on currently, the Sox (baseball) and the Pats (football). The Pats are winning and my Sox are dreadfully losing. I swore at them in the first inning when the pitcher game up a 3 run homerun. I literally turned off the TV and said fuck you in front of my mother but I don’t think she heard me because I probably would have either been yelled at or smacked. I was so pissed off.

My sister asked me to babysit my niece and the game only got worse as the night went on. Better for the Pats, even though their star kicker missed field goals that he normally would have hit. So instead of being ahead by 6 more points we aren’t. I forget what the score is right now. 9-3 I think.

I am feeling really agitated and I don’t know why. I already have taken 8 mg of trilafon for the day. I have taken my night meds which includes an Ativan so I am waiting for that to kick in. I have stopped looking at Twitter for game updates. It’s either making me laugh or feel really sad.

My sister still has pics of my father hanging around the house since after the funeral. I almost lost it again today but held it together. It has been four months since he has passed. I was reading a blog about how I started drinking after my father was in the hospital for something that I thought was my fault. In the blog, I didn’t say what he was in for but it really upset me. The blog was in Oct of 2014. I think that was when he had a GI bleed.

My father has been on my mind the past few days. I still can’t get the last time I looked at him while he was alive out of my head. I had just given him some medication and just stared at him for a little while. He died probably not even a half hour after that. So surreal.

I feel really sad and have been fighting back tears for the last two days. Yesterday, I opened a drawer and found his hankies that I had taken while going through his clothes after we cleaned out his apartment. I almost lost it then. I had forgotten about them and did wonder where I had put them.

A friend of mine just lost her mother maybe a week ago. She is having a hard time with the loss. Everything she does reminds her of her mother. Cleaning out her house was the toughest. I feel her pain, I really do. No one prepares you for the loss of a parent. It’s not in any school and your parents certainly don’t prepare you. It just happens and then you are left wondering what the hell happened. Was there more that could have been done for him/her? You hope they didn’t die in pain. I know my father didn’t die in pain. He passed away peacefully in his own bed, just like he wanted to. And my father always got what he wanted above all else.

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Needed to go Out

Needed to go Out

I woke up late and made breakfast. Afterwards, I got a little antsy so I decided to go to Starbucks to do some journaling and then go to the meat market to get some ground beef and hamburgers. It was really humid out due to the thunderstorms passing through the area. I couldn’t wait to sit and freeze my ass off in Starbucks. I wrote for about an hour or so then left for the meat market. Surprisingly, my ankle didn’t conk out on me this time around.

When I got to the station, I paid for my T-Pass for the month and then waited for the bus. As I was waiting my niece came over so we talked as we waited. The bus was really late. Come to find out, it was the same bus that dropped me off in the Square. It started making noises as we headed off and at one point, was going slow as molasses. I thought it was going to break down. Luckily, we made it to our stop and went home.

I am really looking forward to making my meat sauce this weekend. I bought 2 lbs. of beef. It is going to be so yummy. I might use three cans of tomatoes as I have so much meat. I really need to go to Stop and Shop and get some containers so I can give some to my therapist when I see her Tuesday. I have no idea where I am going to put the extra sauce as our refrigerator is pretty full between my shopping and my mother’s. I had a hard time putting my stuff away, and I didn’t buy that much refrigerated things. Mostly just bought non-perishables, like cereals, tuna, crackers, etc. I did buy cauliflower because I have been dying to have some. My mother will be making it tonight with the fish she is making. She wanted to sauté it and I was like, you can do whatever you want with it. Just make it, LOL

I need to shower as I am so damn sweaty. The house is hotter than it is outside. I am stuck in my room cooling off as it’s the only room with AC. I should have had something to eat at Starbucks because I am starving. But I wasn’t hungry at the time. I thought about getting something sweet but they really didn’t have anything appealing to me, which is odd because I always find something I like.

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Rest Stop

Rest Stop

This song has been in my head the past few days. It’s a song by Matchbox20.

I got notification of my grocery delivery won’t be delivered until after 2000. Sucks. I hate late deliveries. I just hope that I won’t be too tired. I made coffee today so I didn’t go out. It’s hot out anyways. There is a cloudy overcast so it’s not really sunny but it’s not cloudy either but it’s really bright. I hate bright days.

I listened/watched the ballgame that was playing. We lost 2-1. I was bullshit because if they didn’t have bad base running, we probably would have gone to extra innings. But the bats were silent so we didn’t get shit and lost the game.

Last night I was in a tough spot. Voices were driving me up a damn wall and so I reached out to a friend on Twitter. He shared with me a song called Topeka by Ludo and it really resonated with me so I bought the single. I thought about buying the album because I really liked the music but then I didn’t know too much about the group and if the rest of the songs sucked, I would be out money. It happens sometimes that there is on good song on an album and then the rest suck and then you are stuck with the rest of the CD. Happened to me more times and I just learned to pick and choose.

I was kind of suicidal last night. Pain was a huge factor. I had got all nice and cozy in bed when my ankle said fuck you, you aren’t sleeping. I took my pain meds like two hours before hand so I couldn’t take anymore, unless I wanted to take my strong pain pill. I didn’t want to because my bowels have been so messed up all week and I am just getting them back on track. So I bitched on Twitter my low mood and was cursing the world about my pain. I swear if it wasn’t after 2200, I probably would have gone to my spot and tried to kill myself last night. I swear I am getting closer and closer to doing it. I wrote to my therapist and told her she was basically useless in trying to stop me this time. And there is no stopping me this time. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. It would hurt but she will be better off in the end.

Another song that keeps coming to my head is Daughtry’s song “No Surprise”. I really have to make an effort in there being no surprise that I kill myself. That is why I am working on the explanations of dying. I still have time, I think. I knew I would wake up in a better mood so I didn’t bother to email my psychiatrist. I was planning on paging her today about the trilafon situation. I am going to run out some time next week if she doesn’t call in another script and there is no way I can refill the script the way it is written. It would be too soon. I am so frustrated.

I need to change my stupid sheets this weekend. It’s always such a hassle because stuff accumulates on my bed and I have to take the shit off to change the bedding. I hate changing the sheets because I always hurt my back and it takes a day or two to recover. Last time it went fairly well because I was quick. But this time I need to wash the comforter so I need to place a blanket in it’s place until it’s washed and dried. Not my favorite chore to do.

Yesterday as I was feeling frivolous, I bought a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. There is a Frida Kahlo exhibit coming up in the middle of Sept that I really want to see. It might take me a few visits to see everything because of my leg/ankle. I didn’t want to have to keep spending $25 a pop per visit so I figured a membership would do the trick. Plus it’s good for at least a year and I can go see other exhibits. My favorite ones are the Egyptians. I haven’t been to the museum in years. I remember the last time I was there, I got lost trying to get out. It must have taken me an hour walking around before I found the exit. That was before my back surgeries. I really miss walking around places. Don’t take it for granted. You never know when it’s going to be taken from you.

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