Saturday Blog 21.9.19

Had a boring day. I’ve written in my journal and kind of looked over the DBT binder thing. Some of the stuff makes sense and others are complete bullshit.

My mother called and left a message saying she was getting “really mad.” I called her to find out why she was mad and the first thing she says (mind you she knows I am in the hosp) “where are you?” Seriously? It went downhill from there. I got so fucking aggravated. She asked when I was coming home and I was getting heated. Then she asked how was I feeling. I said aggravated (meaning talking and having to defend myself to her) and she passes it off with an oh. Fucking A. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Really, I don’t.

Last night I was having dystonic shit happen with my foot and resolved to just end things when I am out of here. There is no point in going on when I have this new symptom and absolutely no fucking way to treat it. Luckily the melatonin they have here is better than the stuff I have, though I still didn’t get to sleep till around midnight. Pain was driving me fucking crazy. I think 2 hours after I took my meds I took some more. Yesterday I just felt I was popping pills, not even knowing what i was taking. I was in such a damn fog. But then i had woken up at 0400 and was just going. I woke up around 5 this morning. Thankfully no gastritis pains. I’ve just had it with pain. I can’t deal anymore.

I am about two thirds through my journal, which was new when I came in here. If I stay by some stupid reason Monday, it will probably be done by the end of the week. I am not sure what will happen Monday. Psychiatrist said she would discharge me and the CM said it wouldn’t happen so I don’t know who to believe. I am still annoyed I didn’t go home yesterday. Don’t see how my family is going to change over the weekend. Fuck. They keep you in here for stupid reasons. Sad part (or good?) is they don’t know anything about my plans to end it when I leave here. May not be as soon as I’d like but it will happen a few days after me being discharged whenever that maybe. I am tired of fighting a battle I am just not going to win. There is no stalemate. It is a permanent checkmate. Game over.

Writing bug today

So I am up to 10 pages of journal writing. Figured I’d write a blog to save some paper but I know I will be writing some more later. I am really bored so I write. Wish I thought to bring a book with me. But then, I didn’t have time to put all the stuff I wanted to in my bag, like my slippers!

Got a roommate now so I am no longer private. He seems like a nice guy. He is a newbie. Never been involved in mental health services before. I am glad he got help before he did something.

CM never came around so I guess the morning meeting was it. Probably just as well as I was going to blow my stack with her. Fuck. So pissed I am going to be here another fucking weekend. Might not even see the doc tomorrow cuz why bother? I am here and there are no med changes. I just need a medical consult though for the omeprazole. So I guess I will see her for that.

Emailed my psych and she was wondering if some reconciliation could be done with my family. I told her last family meeting was a disaster and they (the therapist and team) wants me to change my reaction to them, which is why they want me to learn DBT skills. Some stuff I can do but in the moment, very hard to do. You can try and learn something while you are calm but when you are heated, it goes out the fucking window. Same when I have a pain flare and feel like ending it all. I just plan my escape because I can’t do much else to soothe the suicidal thoughts. I’ve done it for years now so not really sure I can change that. Besides, excruciating pain doesn’t leave you with feeling hopeful things are going to change. Yes, the next day might be better but the remnants of the night before are still there. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), those remnants have formed a full picture so there is no going back now. All the details have been worked out. I just need to follow through. I don’t really think a DBT skill is going to be ideal when pain is so damn fucking bad I can’t fucking think or breathe right or my pulse has dropped with anxiety going sky high with it. The pain consumes you and is so fucking hard to push away from it to even think of mindfulness or guided imagery. The pain isn’t going to pass until I have a sleep and even then there is a chance i could wake up in pain. Some nights I am I but the morning I will be in pain, usually because of pressure changes or drastic changes in temperature. Or it could just be raining to flare me up. Storms are another reason to flare. Those things I cannot control and trying to tame CRPS pain is next to impossible, especially as my pain meds are slowly becoming ineffective. I haven’t flared too much here because there are no stairs for me to go up and down all day. I walk around a bit but nothing like what I do outside of here. Half the time I don’t carry my phone because no one is going to call or text me. And if someone does, I will get it when I go back to my room.

I had texted the therapist and she wants me to stay to learn some stuff. This is like my 10th admission in the past 11 years. I’ve been through all the group shit they give, which is all DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) based. I just find some of the stuff bullshit. Like they list fantasizing as an addiction. WTF since when is that an addiction or what makes it an addiction? It doesn’t say. Dumb. Just dumb. I can see video games and internet/phone use but imagining things? Please. Sometimes you need to imagine how things would be if X wasn’t happening. Not saying all the time. I guess if it was all the time it might be considered an addiction. What the fuck do I know.

Sounds on the unit have been bothering me all day. Mostly because of the migraine but some of it have been other patients phones playing music because headphones aren’t allowed. Been here a week and just found out I can charge my bluetooth headphones. Shit. Thought because it was metal I couldn’t have it. It is going to take 4 hours to charge so I should have it later tonight around bedtime (if I am still up).

Ankle is starting to hurt. Got an hour before I can take my night meds. I swear the 12 hr extended reease doesn’t last 12 fucking hours. It is more like 8 or 9.

Found out why my battery has been draining. I am not getting much signal here. Maybe 1 or 2 bars, if that. No wonder I need to charge my phone twice a day.

PO’d and TG stuff

I honestly have no idea why my case manager is so interested in me being transgender. We talked about how I knew I was. I didn’t have fricken words for it until I was around 30, and even then I thought I was going to be told, nope you are female, not a male. I had a male BFF growing up. When I started developing, I was wondering why he wasn’t going through the same changed I was, like wtf, I thought we were the same. It was a complete nightmare esp when menses started and was told I was a “woman”. But I couldn’t go against my parents I would get beat up and ridiculed. Later when I only bought male clothes, my sister and mother wanted to know why. I felt comfortable in mens clothing. It felt natural for me to wear ties & stuff. I was outcasted at a wedding where I wore a tie to a family event for the 1st time My sisters and mother didn’t want to walk with me to the function hall. They stayed back. I didn’t care but it hurt none the less.

So part of my meltdown today was b/c she brought up this stuff and what it meant to be TG. She thinks I should be some kind of advocate or something to share my experience for others. I do that with my chronic pain and mental illness. I don’t feel comfortable doing it with my identity. Just don’t.

This is the thread I posted on Twitter yesterday. I wanted to write a blog then but just didn’t have the energy to. I was so pent up and exhausted after my meltdown. I think I finally grieved my psych about not being able to see her right now. I just miss her so much even though we’ve been in touch. I really want to talk to her but not sure she would want to as I am inpatient.

I woke up at 5 am after having a weird dream about being with Captain Kirk on the original series of Star Trek. First i was i don’t know buying towels at Target next i am on the bridge. The alpha blocker they have me on has been giving me weird dreams. It also makes me tired.

I woke up with gastritis for the fourth day in a row. Seeing as I am going to be here all weekend, I asked for some maalox and to see medical so they can increase the omeprazole to twice a day. I hate not being on my PPI. They don’t have it in their formulary and it pisses me off.

Speaking of pissed off, they wanted me to rescind my 3 day. They didn’t want me going home on the weekend because they feared me going back to the hosp. Fuckers. They are just fucking delaying the inevitable. I am just not fucking happy with this place. The CM misgendered me but quickly apologized and then approached me afterwards to further apologize. I am ok with them apologizing afterwards but it is when I correct them and they don’t hear me I get upset. And I don’t mean just listening to me. The nurse that is adamant I am a she still did so today. Blew me off when I said I was a he. She just seemed like she didn’t want to hear it.

Got a migraine so I am wearing my sunglasses until it goes away. I am so sensitive to light right now. It is helping to decrease it along with my baseball cap. It is weird. I have my Sox World Series 2013 long sleeve shirt and the 2018 cap on. I didn’t think to bring my 2018 long sleeve shirt. I should have brought a sweatshirt. Fricken cold here. Temps have dropped to 40s at night, which probably set off my migraine as it was in the 60s yesterday and temps right now is high 50s to low 60s. I can’t take temp changes of +/- 10 degrees. Just throws me off.

My middle sister (tyrant) texted me last night. She wanted to know if I had a channel on cable as she can’t access it on her phone. I have no idea if we have it as I hardly ever watch tv anymore. Might catch a game for a half hour to an hour but that is all.

Been writing in my journal. Think I am already up to six pages for today alone. Have a feeling the longer I stay here, I am going to fill it up. Just hope I don’t run out. That would so suck.

Things

Last week I got admitted to the hosp because i sent my psych an email and she got worried. She asked me a direct question and I answered honestly without thinking first. She wanted to send an ambulance but I talked her out of it. I went in voluntarily.

I didn’t get admitted to the hosp I was in in May but a satellite of it south of Boston, way south. I hate it here. The staff has been misgendering as well as the psychiatrist. Today I had enough as the psychiatrist did it again when she asked medical to order my T and when 2 nurses called me her. I corrected one and the other insisted I was a her. I’ve never felt so disrespected by any institution I’ve ever been in, especially psych related. I am going to need therapy just by being here.

I’ve been in contact with my psych about my experiences here. The only good news is I got my voice back finally. I think the stress of not being home has caused the muscles to relax a bit. Though my voice is deeper. Not surprisingly, my family has not noticed at all.

Right now I am in tremendous pain as my foot got cold earlier and I couldn’t get a hot pack fast enough because it was change of shift. I knew I was going to be. The nurse couldn’t give me anything but tylenol, which isn’t going to do shit.

The case manager (CM) is pretty cool. She has respected my pronouns. But she is a hard pressed therapist. She doesn’t deal with shit. I like that but at the same time I don’t. Yesterday I kept telling her I didn’t want to talk about whatever she was asking and she said ok. Only to ask the same question 1 minute later. She said she wants me to call her in three months. That isn’t going to happen because I will be dead.

All the ducks are still in a row. Nothing is going to change that no matter how long I stay here. I signed a 3 day to get out of here Fri. I really hate it here. I’ve never felt so aggravated and displeased with everything they do here. They do have a good nursing staff (other than the 2 I was dealing with earlier). They have been respectful and that is all I ask.

My mother has been playing something. She is hurt that I didn’t tell her I was going in the hosp as she saw me before I left the house. I honestly have no idea what she is upset about. I am a fricken adult and don’t need to tell her anything about my whereabouts. I am so mad she thinks I am a child that has to tell her everything. She lost that right when I was ten and cemented it when she didn’t believe me when I was abused by my cousin. I told her I was depressed and that was why I was in here. She said I just needed to talk to feel better. Yea, to her and her only. We’ve been on this merry go round before. And it doesn’t end well. I still haven’t decided if I am going to have the CM talk to her because I don’t want to go home with an elephant in the room. I just can’t deal with conflict at all right now.

My friend has sent me pics if her dog. This is my nephew Thor, which I posted the other day. God he is so cute. She put him in a panda costume and omg it was so fricken funny. The costume is too big for him so you see his tiny face sticking out all the while with a look on his face like WTF is this shit. It is hysterical. If there is a way of downloading it, I will post it. It is too funny. I was cracking up in my room. It gave me a break from the pain. My big toe is still feeling like a pin or a nail is being shoved into it. I tried filing the nail but it is too short. It is also so fucking painful just holding my foot, toe to try to file it. Wish I had my nail clipper with the file thingy so I could possibly clean out the space between the nail and skin. Probably junk in there causing me pain.

Been writing in my journal all day. Must have written like seven pages or so. I am pissed I didn’t separate a page so now I have two blank pages. I just wrote a line through it so I don’t use the pages for something.

I told my night RN about how I feel about being disrespected. He said he would leave a message for the nursing director. Hope this does not cause me problems with my care for the rest of my stay here. Because I forgot to tell the doc to order the T, I will have it hopefully tomorrow afternoon. I am kind of nervous about whether the RN will allow me to give it or if they have to. Just sucks. I didn’t think I would be here this long because the doc had said I was going to be discharged yesterday. Now she said Friday but I don’t trust her as she said she wants my depression to be gone by then. Like that is going to happen. Sure 4 days in hosp will cure me. Think she is smoking something.

I’ve been in contact with the therapist. She wants me to stay longer so I am away from my family. I laughed at this. Though but she did have a point. If I wasn’t disrespected I might stay but I just can’t stand being misgendered every day. It is making me feel worse than what I already do. But this was not a planned stay. I didn’t decide to come here. My psych pushed the issue and it was either go in on my own or an ambulance would take me. I had no choice at that point. I feel like such an idiot as I could be dead right now. Wish I never sent it. I contemplated it for at least an hour before sending it. I so so regret it now. Doesn’t change things though. The hosp is just delaying things. I won’t be around for my 44th birthday. That is for 100% sure.