Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

I had a busy day. I woke up early, no thanks to my fricken cousin who wanted to return something to my mother. He woke her up for her to go downstairs and let him in. I was wondering what I was going to do today. I decided that I needed to change my sheets. I wanted to put on a hospital blanket because sometimes the comforter is too warm as my room gets really hot now that my mother turns the heat up. It needed to be washed so I cleared off the washer and put it in. Then I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes. They were good.

My next adventure was to go to the square to get some gluten free flour and some eggs as we were running low. The flour was expensive. For a small bag, it was like $4.59 and I don’t think it was even a pound of flour. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake I will be making for her. She is always picky because she has celiac disease, which I understand but she is such a bitch about it. My mother makes desserts that she can’t have so I wanted to make something for her that she can have. She can take it home with her, if she likes it, as I won’t eat two cakes. I am making a regular one as well. I plan on making the gluten free one first and then use the regular flour. This way I only have to wash the mixing bowl once.

After I got my two things, I went to the bus stop and missed it by like 5 minutes. The next one wasn’t for another fricken hour. I caught the bus to the Hill and waited for the bus home there. My ankle was hurting so I didn’t want to wait at a bus stop.

I came home and rested for a little while before clearing off my bed. My mother had folded the blanket so I brought it upstairs. Once my bed was clear of my “office”, I took the bedding off. Then I wrestled with the clean sheets on my bed. My back was killing me and my ankle was being a fuck. I wanted a shower but knew my ankle would divorce me if I took it then. I was so wiped out that I took a nap. My mother called me around 1430 but I didn’t pick up as I was so damn tired. She wasn’t feeling well as her sugar dropped. She had taken some pain meds for her back and it made her sick. Poor thing has been puking everything she eats. Her sugar has stayed low. I’ll check on her throughout the night.

After I woke up, I decided to take a shower. I was sweating as my room got hot and I was really warm under the blankets. I have the window open but no cold air was coming through. After I finished my shower, my brother in law came up to look at my ceiling fan as it has been making noise. He said the motor is going, which I suspected. I have been using it so much this year. Now I need to get a new one. I shopped online for one to get an idea on the price. He told me which kind to get. He said it would be $40. HA. NOT! I wanted one with a remote. Home Depot didn’t have any that came with one within my price range so I checked Lowes. I found a nice one for $123. A little bit out of my range but it looks really nice and comes with a light dome. I didn’t want one like the one I had which was 4 light bulbs. I have a small room and just use 2 bulbs that are energy efficient. I am going to check Amazon to see if they have the fan I want at Lowes. Maybe I can get a cheaper price. My bro in law said he will install it for me. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. He takes his time doing things and I really can’t be without a ceiling fan. I cannot tolerate heat at all. I rather be cold.

I had to cut my budget expenses to pay for this fan. I won’t be eating out at all this month and because my next check comes after Christmas, I won’t be able to get anyone any gifts. I feel bad about this. Every year is the same. Last year I was able to get gifts for my sisters and their kids, and my bro in law and mother. This year it won’t be happening. I still need to repair my screen that I broke, but that won’t be until next pay period. I don’t think it will be that expensive. I just hope they can go by the frame as that is still intact. Otherwise, my brother in law will have to measure for a new one.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Finally some concrete answers

Finally some concrete answers!!

Before going to bed last night, I emailed my neurologist that I went for the bone scan so that he would know and then get back to me about what the treatment was going to be moving forward. Late this morning he responded and said the scan showed I did have some bone changes and clinically I do have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). He wanted me to go on some anti-convulsant but I briefly looked into it and it has a lot of nasty side effects, which doesn’t appeal to me. He is going to discuss it with my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I emailed her to tell her he would be in touch but I am not thrilled to go on this medication. It’s new and most likely will cost me some big bucks come the new year. But we’ll see. I finally have a concrete diagnosis.

This morning was a fucking joke. My alarm went off and I should have put it on snooze but I turned it off. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep for an hour, waking up to some text messages. I had just enough time to try and catch the 7 am bus but just as I was approaching the corner, it drove by. I had to wait for the next one at 0725 but it never showed up. It was freezing out and I didn’t wear my jacket. By the time the bus to the Square came, I was running late to see my psychiatrist. I just ordered espresso from Starbucks and a donut and then made my way to the train station. I got to the Station when my psych called me to say she was stuck in traffic on the highway. She hasn’t moved in at least 10 minutes. Yikes! We rescheduled and I caught the bus home, with the intention of going back to bed.

It was really cold in my room so I shut the window part that I opened. I took my pain and blood pressure meds. I also started with the new weight loss pill. I plan on taking it in the morning in case it makes me jittery. I tried going to sleep but I couldn’t so I played with my phone. I decided to take the AC out of the window and then try again for sleep. I opened the window to take the AC out and it almost fell out! Crap! I couldn’t lift it to bring it inside. Somehow I did, at the cost of breaking my screen. It flew out of the window but that can be easily replaced. If the AC fell, it would have wrecked the roof and porch below. I went downstairs to retrieve the screen outside. I also told my mother what happened and that I finally have a diagnosis.

I played with my phone some more and then I was getting sleepy so laid down. I don’t know what the fuck I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I screamed. Then I turned over to take the strong pain meds and it hurt more. I was in complete agony. It was easily a 14/10. I just wanted to die. I started getting a pain anxiety and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took my meds and an Ativan. I tried distraction but it was so hard. I just laid there moaning. Then my mother called to ask if I could go downstairs to bring up her gallon of wine. I told her I was in a flare and couldn’t move. Someone stole it by the time she came home. I feel bad.

Finally the meds kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I felt better but I was still in a lot of pain, not as much as I was but say a 10 instead of a 14. I had to use the bathroom so had to get up. That was torture. I used the cane to get around because I didn’t have time to put the boot on. It was really hot in my room as my mother turned up the heat. I was sweating. She was making dinner so I had something to eat and then I went back up to my room with the mail. When I came up to my room, I opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan started making some noises that were annoying me so I turned it off. I asked my brother in law to come look at it when he got home from work. I hope it’s fixable. I also asked my mother to lower the heat. Hopefully my room cools down. I fucking hate the heat!!! And my room has two settings, unbearably hot and freezing cold. I rather be cold because I can put on layers and snuggle under the blanket.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

four hour test and a flare up

Four hour test and a flare up

I didn’t sleep very well last night. My alarm went off after I finally settled down. Think I might have gotten an hour and half. I took a shower and then it was time to get ready to catch the bus that never came. I had to take a different bus that went farther than the Square. Once I got off that bus, I ordered my Starbucks as I waited for another bus to take me to the Square. I quickly had my breakfast and took the espresso with me as I was now running late. I hoped there was no delays on the train and there wasn’t. I made it with 10 minutes to spare.

The first part of the scan was to inject me with the radioactive stuff and then take like 4 minutes of scans. Then I had to wait 2 hours to finish the rest of it. I was hurting for the positioning of my foot but it wasn’t too bad. I went to the café and met up with a friend of mine. We talked until he had to leave. I also went to see my former coworkers in the lab. There were only a few people I recognized and talked to. Everyone else was new.

While in the café, I got a cup of tea and then wrote in my journal. I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I just couldn’t nap. I went back to radiology a few minutes before I was supposed to and waited in the waiting room. They called me back and we went to a different room. It was cold and my foot immediately didn’t like it. It was the same positions as before but for about 10 minutes or so per scan. One of the scans, the tech put a rubber band on my feet. It irritated my foot. By the time we were done, I was flared up. I wish I could have had a ride home. The tech said results would be available this afternoon but I haven’t received notification of them yet.

I slowly walked to the train station. By the time I got there, my ankle was really hurting and my foot felt like ice. I took a strong pain pill that I had with me. The train was there when I got to the platform but it was delayed. We sat for a bit. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t miss the bus home, which would come in about 40 minutes, or so I thought. As I reached the Square, I got a text saying the bus was having moderate delays. Great. By this time, my foot bones were killing me and I just wanted to crash. Finally the bus came. I went to Walgreens to buy something for my mother and then came home. My ankle bone hurt. I was in so much damn pain I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. I was hungry but all that I wanted was my mother’s brownies.

I had two brownies and then went upstairs to change into my PJs and thermal socks. While taking off the sock on my bad foot, it flared up more. I was in pure agony. Half my ankle and foot were in 12/10 pain. I took my regular pain meds. Then after a couple hours, I took another strong pain pill and Ativan as I was getting anxious from the pain. I still haven’t heard anything about my scan. It could take up to 24 hours for radiology results to be put online. I care but don’t at this point as I just want to see my pillow.

The insurance card I was waiting for came in the mail today so I can change my name at the hospital I have my care. YAHOO! I’ll go to registration tomorrow after my psych appt, I might go before hand depending on what time they open. I just checked my prescription card and the updated name has happened. YAY! Progress. Now I just need to update it at the pharmacy. I hope I don’t need all new prescriptions in my new name. That will suck. Only thing I need next week will be my Ativan, and by then, my license will be changed to my new name. It won’t be a laminated card as I will have a temporary one. I just hope the gender marker doesn’t cause a hubbub. I really don’t want hassles.

OK, Pain is at a new level. Didn’t think that would be possible. I need to lie down. Until tomorrow!

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random 15112017

Random 15112017

Today was my sister’s birthday, which concludes birthday month for my father’s side of the family. There are more birthdays on my mother’s side than I know what to do with. November, I guess, was the month to be born. I didn’t want to go downstairs as I felt crummy and I was in pain. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0230 and pretty much slept all day.

Tomorrow I go for my bone scan. I hope they find something that leads to some treatment to decrease my pain. I’ve had enough of dealing with it. I will be at the hospital most of the morning and part of the afternoon as it is a 5 hour long test. I hope it is shorter than that but who knows. I won’t know until I am there.

I wanted to go to the grocery store but it was late when I got up and I didn’t feel like showering or going out. Tomorrow is going to rain. I just feel so fatigued. I barely have energy to write this. I just want to go to bed and never wake up again.

I got the song “one number away” going round and round in my head. So I have it on repeat now to drown out the noise. I hate it when a song is on repeat in my head.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment


I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments