Last week I got admitted to the hosp because i sent my psych an email and she got worried. She asked me a direct question and I answered honestly without thinking first. She wanted to send an ambulance but I talked her out of it. I went in voluntarily.

I didn’t get admitted to the hosp I was in in May but a satellite of it south of Boston, way south. I hate it here. The staff has been misgendering as well as the psychiatrist. Today I had enough as the psychiatrist did it again when she asked medical to order my T and when 2 nurses called me her. I corrected one and the other insisted I was a her. I’ve never felt so disrespected by any institution I’ve ever been in, especially psych related. I am going to need therapy just by being here.

I’ve been in contact with my psych about my experiences here. The only good news is I got my voice back finally. I think the stress of not being home has caused the muscles to relax a bit. Though my voice is deeper. Not surprisingly, my family has not noticed at all.

Right now I am in tremendous pain as my foot got cold earlier and I couldn’t get a hot pack fast enough because it was change of shift. I knew I was going to be. The nurse couldn’t give me anything but tylenol, which isn’t going to do shit.

The case manager (CM) is pretty cool. She has respected my pronouns. But she is a hard pressed therapist. She doesn’t deal with shit. I like that but at the same time I don’t. Yesterday I kept telling her I didn’t want to talk about whatever she was asking and she said ok. Only to ask the same question 1 minute later. She said she wants me to call her in three months. That isn’t going to happen because I will be dead.

All the ducks are still in a row. Nothing is going to change that no matter how long I stay here. I signed a 3 day to get out of here Fri. I really hate it here. I’ve never felt so aggravated and displeased with everything they do here. They do have a good nursing staff (other than the 2 I was dealing with earlier). They have been respectful and that is all I ask.

My mother has been playing something. She is hurt that I didn’t tell her I was going in the hosp as she saw me before I left the house. I honestly have no idea what she is upset about. I am a fricken adult and don’t need to tell her anything about my whereabouts. I am so mad she thinks I am a child that has to tell her everything. She lost that right when I was ten and cemented it when she didn’t believe me when I was abused by my cousin. I told her I was depressed and that was why I was in here. She said I just needed to talk to feel better. Yea, to her and her only. We’ve been on this merry go round before. And it doesn’t end well. I still haven’t decided if I am going to have the CM talk to her because I don’t want to go home with an elephant in the room. I just can’t deal with conflict at all right now.

My friend has sent me pics if her dog. This is my nephew Thor, which I posted the other day. God he is so cute. She put him in a panda costume and omg it was so fricken funny. The costume is too big for him so you see his tiny face sticking out all the while with a look on his face like WTF is this shit. It is hysterical. If there is a way of downloading it, I will post it. It is too funny. I was cracking up in my room. It gave me a break from the pain. My big toe is still feeling like a pin or a nail is being shoved into it. I tried filing the nail but it is too short. It is also so fucking painful just holding my foot, toe to try to file it. Wish I had my nail clipper with the file thingy so I could possibly clean out the space between the nail and skin. Probably junk in there causing me pain.

Been writing in my journal all day. Must have written like seven pages or so. I am pissed I didn’t separate a page so now I have two blank pages. I just wrote a line through it so I don’t use the pages for something.

I told my night RN about how I feel about being disrespected. He said he would leave a message for the nursing director. Hope this does not cause me problems with my care for the rest of my stay here. Because I forgot to tell the doc to order the T, I will have it hopefully tomorrow afternoon. I am kind of nervous about whether the RN will allow me to give it or if they have to. Just sucks. I didn’t think I would be here this long because the doc had said I was going to be discharged yesterday. Now she said Friday but I don’t trust her as she said she wants my depression to be gone by then. Like that is going to happen. Sure 4 days in hosp will cure me. Think she is smoking something.

I’ve been in contact with the therapist. She wants me to stay longer so I am away from my family. I laughed at this. Though but she did have a point. If I wasn’t disrespected I might stay but I just can’t stand being misgendered every day. It is making me feel worse than what I already do. But this was not a planned stay. I didn’t decide to come here. My psych pushed the issue and it was either go in on my own or an ambulance would take me. I had no choice at that point. I feel like such an idiot as I could be dead right now. Wish I never sent it. I contemplated it for at least an hour before sending it. I so so regret it now. Doesn’t change things though. The hosp is just delaying things. I won’t be around for my 44th birthday. That is for 100% sure.

CRPS is a bitch

So I went to the bathroom and came back to my room. One spot on my foot felt like it was wet. I touched it, dry as a bone. Then it because like ice. By the time I could get a heating pad, the whole foot has become a block of ice. It hurts so fucking bad. Just hope the heat helps.

I’ve been annoyed all day. People keep misgendering me and I am so fucking tired of it. No matter how many times I correct them.

Hope the rest of my day isn’t going to turn into a night of fucking pain. I really won’t be able to handle it the way my mood is right now. I am so close to the edge another flare might make me jump rather than push me off. I can stand it. Something is going on with my big toe. Feels like there is a pin pushing into the tiny space between my nail and skin. Nothing is there but the nail can’t be filled as there is nothing to file or cut. I think it is because my toe swells up and the nail irritates it. If that isn’t it, I have no other ideas. I hate these new heating pads that shut off after being turned on for like a half hour or so. My thermal socks have disappeared so I can’t even put that on. Going to be a cranky bastard. My mother better not call me today. Can’t deal with her bullshit.

Random thoughts 16.9.19

I’ve been in a mood since getting up. I’ve had to take trilafon last night and early this morning as the voices got really bad. I know my psych would flip if she knew I had 3 doses. She doesn’t like the older antipsychotics. I love and hate this drug. I like that it works. I don’t like it wiping out my thoughts as the voices are gone so I can no longer think right. I feel alone when the voices are gone and on edge.

Today was a nice day. Spent some time outside. I really thought about my plan and how it is. Kind of scary that after a year of planning shit all I needed was the thing I am allergic to to complete things. Granted asphyxiation is not really the way to go but my other options are limited. I am not 100% sure it would work. Chance of a rescue is possible. Or I can do it but only if I can talk. Haha. Cause my voice will be the first to go.

Spent most of my time writing in my journal today. Got like 7 pages in as I had woken up at 3 and started then. Nothing much happened just had the writing bug I guess.

Blood pressure was low this morning. An hour later it was normal so I don’t know what happened. Maybe the machine was off. I cancelled all my PT appts. I don’t think there is a point in seeing her again. My back is still going to be a time bomb. Nothing can change that. If anything I am afraid some movement will collapse the disc that is ready to implode. The thought of getting CES (cauda equina syndrome) again and going through recovery doesn’t appeal to me at all. It is a midlevel disc so who knows what may be affected this go round. Have a feeling it is what is causing the increased bladder issues. Might be what is increasing the CRPS pain but not totally sure on that.

Sox are off tonight. They had a 2 game weekend with Phillies. Next will be the Giants. Not that it matters anymore. They aren’t making it to the playoffs, at all. Too far out of the wild card even. Snakes look like they will win 100 games, bastards. Man, I hate them. Least we won’t have to face CC again. Will be sad if Tanaka goes. We can kick his ass still.

Still feeling really bad. Haven’t heard from my psych on her new home yet. Miss seeing her. Got an appt with my neuro next week. Not even sure it is worth it but it is the only way for me to get gaba. None of my other docs will prescribe it for god knows what reasons. So stupid. I could see if it was a scheduled controlled substance like my pain meds but it isn’t. So dumb. Some idiot on twitter was telling me I couldn’t get it anymore because it is addictive. Told him/her to stop with the bullshit and still kept on me about it. Was a CRPS tweeter so ignored the stupidity. Don’t care what they say, gaba is not addictive. Maybe causing dependence but it isn’t addictive. People don’t need higher and higher doses to get “high” off it. And I seriously would love to meet someone that does get high off it because obviously their cocktail of meds is the reason.

Might be posting a few Password protected posts soon. If anyone is interested email me at midnightdemons7 dot blog at gmail dot com or use the contact page and will send you the password.

Awake at 3 again

I found this on FB on the Boston Calendar page. My city. It was taken by the Boston Esplanade. This is the Charles River. I used to walk along the path to Cambridge every Saturday when I was younger. Gave me time to clear my head.

I am so sleepy. I’ve been hearing voices since everything has been so loud. Right now I am hearing a cacophony of noise so I don’t know what they are saying. Meds are making me sleepy so will write more later.