I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.
I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,
I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”
I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.
My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.
I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.
I am still locked out of Twitter and I miss my account very much. I talked about this in therapy. She just said that my addiction needs a fix. HAHA. I miss my account so much. The second acct that I set up isn’t doing it for me. I sent another email to Twitter support and am still waiting to hear back.
I had therapy today. I talked about the abuse my mother did to me but in general terms. I didn’t get into specifics. I couldn’t. I thought I was ready to but I am not. She wanted me to discuss my feelings and I couldn’t even do that. I was just a jumble of emotion. I had a couple memories come up while we were talking.
I haven’t showered yet or left the house to mail my name change thing. I need to send for official copies of my name change document so I can renew my passport. I also need to go to the pharmacy to get some urinary pain meds as I am out. I still haven’t received a call from uro about treatment. I sent a message but haven’t heard back. I am hurting still when I pee. I told my therapist that I had to be a strict 4-6 hour schedule. I am still struggling to follow it. Some days are easier than others but with this infection it is throwing me off because the urge to pee is frequent due to the infection. I just left another message with a nurse. This is ridiculous.
After therapy, I was tired and tried to nap but couldn’t. I just rested. I keep thinking about how Mother’s day is coming up and I am thinking of getting a card for my mother but I know it isn’t going to say what I really feel on it. Just be some sappy bullshit instead. I hate mother’s day more than any other holiday. It always creates this tension.
Nurse finally got back to me. My antibiotic has been called in. I just have to pick it up and I am tired and don’t want to go out. The time for napping is coming. Every day between 1700 and 1900 I get really sleepy. It’s a real struggle to stay awake. Maybe a walk would be good for me. It’s cooler out now. I hopefully won’t sweat as much. I still need to shower. Might do that tomorrow as I need to trim my beard as well.
I’ve been having Twitter app problems since twitter installed fleek, its 24hr story thing, on one of its updates. Since then, the app has been freezing causing me to close it to get it to work again. Yesterday was all the time I logged on so decided to uninstall/reinstall. That went great until I got logged out of Twitter. I have a 2 factor verification and I haven’t received a text message. So I contacted support as I couldn’t access the back up codes. For some reason once I was logged out on my phone, my laptop logged me out too. I miss my Twitter buddies. If any of my Twitter buddies want to get in touch with me I created a new account @ midnightdemon75.
I had groceries delivered today. I have been exhausted because no one told me a side effect of the vaccine was insomnia. I was up from 1am Friday till around 2100 last night. I woke up and just wanted to stay in bed and would have if I didn’t have my grocery delivery. I am so exhausted it isn’t funny. My CRPS pain has flared up. I’ve been in pain since yesterday. Had to take gabapentin for the burning pain yesterday. And that still didn’t knock me out.
I got a UTI. I didn’t have symptoms of it till today. Every time I pee it hurts so bad. I took a urinary pain med so I haven’t been going so often. I got to wait till Mon to get treated for the sensitivities to come back. They should be back by now but it’s the weekend so no one is going to call me. I am not happy about this because my treatment for a UTI by the uro team has always been delayed. I just hope it doesn’t spread to my kidneys by Monday. Then I will really be sick.
I’m starting to nod off so I will stop here for now.