midnightdemons7

Run the risk of getting your perfect wrong

I had an appt with my DMH worker today and I overslept. I heard the phone ring but thought it was another caller as I was half asleep. I got up and tried a few times to get in touch with her. Eventually I did. We had a good talk. She encouraged me to walk more (not happening) to alleviate my depression. I told her I was suicidal but lied that I didn’t have a plan. I have been feeling depressed all day. Right now I have been thinking about my plan and executing it. I want to so bad but if I get into the hospital this semester will be toast. I feel like a weakling. Talking to my DMH worker about being suicidal wasn’t helpful. She talked about means control, things I know about. I keep my stuff locked up and the key separate. But both are in my room.

I managed to shave today. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I will the next time I go to the bathroom. I ate today. My niece made some bacon and I had some. I shared a little with Honey. She is out with her daddy right now so I can’t get cuddles. I am tired. I must have woken up like six times last night to pee and then I was able to get back to sleep. I had weird dreams each time. I messaged my pcp today because I am tired of the back spasms I have been getting and pain down my leg. They called me and I have an appt Thurs. The sucky part is it interferes with my webinar I wanted to see.

I have been listening to Luke Combs today because I needed to listen to one of his songs. My albuterol finally came today. I am tired. I got to do homework for history. It is short so it won’t take me long. It is cool today and cold in my room. I had to shut the ceiling fan off. I don’t know how my nephew has the AC on. I freeze when I go downstairs.

I have been having cramps in my calf and feet today. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know why as I am taking magnesium for them. I am getting more and more depressed the more pain I feel. There just doesn’t seem anything I can do for it. It is so frustrating.

Mondays are going to be long days

I had therapy at 9 this morning and I wanted to sleep. I had to take a shower as it has been days since the last one. I had no coffee during therapy but did have to go to the bathroom because my damn bowels decided it wanted to go. Ugh. I didn’t even take senna last night. I seriously thought I was going to shit myself if I didn’t go when I did. I was so uncomfortable.

Therapy went ok. We talked about classes mostly and the weekend. I had two days where I didn’t sleep. She asked how my appetite was and I said it was better as I am eating. Won’t be until next week when I start the new med. I had weird dreams all night with headaches. I told her I had weird dreams but didn’t tell her about the headaches. I forgot I had them, to be honest. It has been so long since I have had dreams with headaches.

After therapy I made a cup of coffee. I tried eating a smores pop tart but couldn’t finish it. I took a shower after. I still had time to catch the bus if I rushed but I didn’t. I just missed the bus when I left the house. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I still got to class on time. I was able to do the homework assignment but I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I was so nervous I did it wrong, I had to see the professor during office hours. She said I did the right thing and she liked what I wrote. The second class of the day I had a hard time finding the classroom. I was on the wrong floor for one. Then I had to look for the 200s. After class, I decided to go up to the psychology dept to see if I knew anyone. Not really. I looked at the faculty page. And the advisor that was assigned to me. He is not someone that matches me but he is in clinical psych so that is something. I was sad to find out my advisor retired over the summer. I sent her a message wishing her well.

On the way home I was starving. I need to bring a sandwich with me between classes. Train was re-routed so I was mad. I just missed the bus but it got held up by the red light so I was able to go on it. I hit the pharmacy on the way home because I wanted a bologna sandwich. I am still hungry as I gave some of my sandwich to my pup. I looked at how many steps I did and I wanted to cry. No wonder my feet hurt so much. I did a lot of steps. I am so tired. I am going to go to bed early. It’s questionable what I will do tomorrow. I know I do have to shave again.

Saturday Blog 12092026

I got up around 10. I had woken up three time to pee and finally gave up going back to sleep. I had taken my meds around 6 when I first woke up. I had some coffee and a pop tart. I really didn’t want coffee but I drank it anyway. I don’t know why I am losing interest in coffee. Some days I have to have it, others I can care less.

I shaved after. My goatee was thick. I checked to see when the last time I trimmed it. It wasn’t even two weeks yet. I thought about trimming it but didn’t feel like it. I used the new shave gel to see if I liked it. It doesn’t have a good scent but it was decent. It got the job done. I found my Gillette aftershave so I put it on my face and under my chin. It smells so good.

I then got ready to go to the market. I decided because my headphones fell out of my pocket to go to the meat market rather than the grocery store. I bought a steak and some burgers. I will make the steak tonight maybe with some mashed potatoes. I want to grill it. I know I am going to fuck it up. I most likely will be too rare.

Now I got to do school work. I started reading the chapter last night but I couldn’t finish it. I still got to do the quiz. I have no idea what my history homework is. I haven’t looked at it.

I am tired and I was only out for about an hour. I was able to time the bus right. I am missing my sister and my niece. They are in Italy right now. They don’t come home until next week. I am feeling really sad. I hope I can read all that I need to. I am not going to pay attention too much to the Sox game. I feel they are just going to lose today and tomorrow. They aren’t playing well at all lately. Lost their last five games against last place teams.