midnightdemons7

Sleep sucks

I woke up around 3am. I don’t remember why. I think I had to pee or something. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was tossing and turning. I wasn’t that awake to read and I didn’t want to make myself awake. Around 4 I took an Ativan. But I didn’t get back to sleep till after 7 and then I woke up around 9 to pee again. I stayed up. Because my bitch sister put my bagels in the freezer, I had smores pop tart with my coffee. I keep forgetting to take one out so I can have it.

I brushed my teeth and then tried to decide what I was going to wear. The temp was cool but it was supposed to reach 80. I don’t think it ever did. It was humid though. But a nice day. I left early because I didn’t want to risk laying down and falling asleep or be lazy and miss my bus. The bus was late today anyway. My back hated standing and waiting for so long. I am going to see my pcp’s NP tomorrow about it.

I made a sandwich before leaving the house so I would have something to eat either before or after class. I was hungry before class so sat somewhere and ate it. I need to get another water bottle. My allergies were off the hook this morning. The smell of fresh cut grass was making me sneeze and I love the smell of freshly cut grass. I had like an hour to spare before class. I should have brought my gender book to try and get caught up on the reading. I just checked the syllabus and there are three fucking chapters I need to read. Fuck me. I hope they don’t have to be handwritten like last week. I haven’t gotten that far.

On the way home there was delays on the redline. It took forever to get to my stop and then there was delays between the stop before mine and my stop. I was ready to cry. I just wanted to go home and put my feet up. My back and feet were hurting me so much. I need new sneakers or insoles or something. The pair I have is more than a year old. I only buy New Balance and the price has gone up like everything else. I think it is like $85 for a pair, not on sale. I have been waiting to buy them. Might have to finagle the bagel to get them this month.

I am listening to Tim McGraw. Love him so much. I haven’t listened to him in a long while. Sox are playing at 8 tonight because they are in Texas. They lost last night and I think they will lose tonight. I don’t have faith in the starting pitcher. Three weeks left of games. Still in the run for post season but not if they continue to fucking lose. They are still above 500 so that is good. I am wicked tired so want to go to bed early. I need to do some reading though. Hope I can muster up some concentration.

Run the risk of getting your perfect wrong

I had an appt with my DMH worker today and I overslept. I heard the phone ring but thought it was another caller as I was half asleep. I got up and tried a few times to get in touch with her. Eventually I did. We had a good talk. She encouraged me to walk more (not happening) to alleviate my depression. I told her I was suicidal but lied that I didn’t have a plan. I have been feeling depressed all day. Right now I have been thinking about my plan and executing it. I want to so bad but if I get into the hospital this semester will be toast. I feel like a weakling. Talking to my DMH worker about being suicidal wasn’t helpful. She talked about means control, things I know about. I keep my stuff locked up and the key separate. But both are in my room.

I managed to shave today. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I will the next time I go to the bathroom. I ate today. My niece made some bacon and I had some. I shared a little with Honey. She is out with her daddy right now so I can’t get cuddles. I am tired. I must have woken up like six times last night to pee and then I was able to get back to sleep. I had weird dreams each time. I messaged my pcp today because I am tired of the back spasms I have been getting and pain down my leg. They called me and I have an appt Thurs. The sucky part is it interferes with my webinar I wanted to see.

I have been listening to Luke Combs today because I needed to listen to one of his songs. My albuterol finally came today. I am tired. I got to do homework for history. It is short so it won’t take me long. It is cool today and cold in my room. I had to shut the ceiling fan off. I don’t know how my nephew has the AC on. I freeze when I go downstairs.

I have been having cramps in my calf and feet today. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know why as I am taking magnesium for them. I am getting more and more depressed the more pain I feel. There just doesn’t seem anything I can do for it. It is so frustrating.

Mondays are going to be long days

I had therapy at 9 this morning and I wanted to sleep. I had to take a shower as it has been days since the last one. I had no coffee during therapy but did have to go to the bathroom because my damn bowels decided it wanted to go. Ugh. I didn’t even take senna last night. I seriously thought I was going to shit myself if I didn’t go when I did. I was so uncomfortable.

Therapy went ok. We talked about classes mostly and the weekend. I had two days where I didn’t sleep. She asked how my appetite was and I said it was better as I am eating. Won’t be until next week when I start the new med. I had weird dreams all night with headaches. I told her I had weird dreams but didn’t tell her about the headaches. I forgot I had them, to be honest. It has been so long since I have had dreams with headaches.

After therapy I made a cup of coffee. I tried eating a smores pop tart but couldn’t finish it. I took a shower after. I still had time to catch the bus if I rushed but I didn’t. I just missed the bus when I left the house. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I still got to class on time. I was able to do the homework assignment but I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I was so nervous I did it wrong, I had to see the professor during office hours. She said I did the right thing and she liked what I wrote. The second class of the day I had a hard time finding the classroom. I was on the wrong floor for one. Then I had to look for the 200s. After class, I decided to go up to the psychology dept to see if I knew anyone. Not really. I looked at the faculty page. And the advisor that was assigned to me. He is not someone that matches me but he is in clinical psych so that is something. I was sad to find out my advisor retired over the summer. I sent her a message wishing her well.

On the way home I was starving. I need to bring a sandwich with me between classes. Train was re-routed so I was mad. I just missed the bus but it got held up by the red light so I was able to go on it. I hit the pharmacy on the way home because I wanted a bologna sandwich. I am still hungry as I gave some of my sandwich to my pup. I looked at how many steps I did and I wanted to cry. No wonder my feet hurt so much. I did a lot of steps. I am so tired. I am going to go to bed early. It’s questionable what I will do tomorrow. I know I do have to shave again.