nervous about tomorrow

Nervous about tomorrow

I meet with my PCP tomorrow morning to discuss my pain relief options. I am hoping he will be able to do something for me. I haven’t seen him in two months. He wanted to do a check in at four months but I can’t wait till April to sort out my pain. I will be in the ground. I am going to ask him to be on a long acting pain med and hopefully he will agree to the one I want to be on. Trouble is, I don’t know if he can prescribe it as in the prescribing section of the med when I looked online it said only certain physicians can prescribe it. So I don’t know what that means exactly. And the website wasn’t helpful in telling what kind of physician needed to prescribe it either. I hope I don’t have to go to a pain clinic. That is just a pain in the ass and I know they won’t help. It will be a waste of my time.

I honestly don’t know this PCP too well. I only had one appointment with him. He seems like a nice guy. But I am always hesitant in front of new people to discuss my mental illness. He knows I see a psychiatrist and that is good enough for him. But I will lose my shit if he isn’t going to help me. It will just throw me into despair. At this rate, it won’t take much for me to get there.

Then on Wednesday, I have an appointment with an intake person for this chronic pain group that my psychiatrist had found. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if you need to have a therapist and right now I don’t have one. I am also nervous because of my suicidality can spike at any given time. I don’t know if being “actively” suicidal will bar me from joining this group. The group sounds like something that might help me, at least to know that there are others struggling with the same things.

I am supposed to meet up with my cousin tomorrow. She wants to have coffee and I can’t say no to coffee. I am a little nervous because this is a cousin that I normally don’t talk to that often. She is younger than I am. I still think of her a little kid as I used to watch her when she was little. I was her “boyfriend”. She was a little whippersnapper. But a cute kid. She still is and also is very pretty. Her sisters are as well.

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difficult night

Difficult night

Last night my pain skyrocketed. I had already taken my meds and couldn’t take any more to ease my horrible pain. My ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and both were winning. I sunk into a suicidal phase. I reached out to a friend, but was left hanging, literally. I got really mad and I am still mad and disappointed. I should have known better but now I know not to reach out to this person next time I am having a hard time. I then emailed my psychiatrist with exactly what I was going to do today and when the next time I felt like I did last night, I was going to act on it. She called me right away and we talked. She wanted me to email her today to let her know how I was doing. I basically lied and said I was okay. Well, not really, because at that moment I was okay. Now I am not.

I am again thinking of my plan as my pain has returned. It’s not as severe as it was last night. Soon as I am done with writing this blog, I am going to do my preparing. I have to. There is no other way out from under this pain. I am not going to act on it today. I made my sauce and I want to eat it and savor it. It came out really good. I put a lot of meatballs in it. But they are small so they are like appetizers. I put in 40 meatballs and just ate three to see how they were. I have two different kinds. I didn’t realize it until I put them in the pot. Oh well. I love meatballs in sauce. I am going to make spaghetti for dinner. I cannot wait.

The reason I am hurting is because I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. I thought they would have the meatballs I needed to complete my gravy. They were all out. Not even their brand was on the shelf. So that meant I had to go to Stop and Shop, something I wasn’t planning on doing. When I had finished buying my things, I saw my mother waiting on a bench. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was waiting for my aunt and cousin. So I had a ride home. I didn’t have to wait for the damn bus. Saved me from walking. I am glad I was going out the door I came in and not the other door where I cashed out. Otherwise I would have missed my mother.

I didn’t sleep good because I had to take another strong pain pill to get my pain under control. Whenever I take two pills, my sleep is disrupted. I woke up every 2-3 hours. I finally gave up around 0830 and made breakfast. I was kind of worried because the house was silent and usually my mother has the TV going. I quickly checked her bedroom to make sure she wasn’t on the floor because her bed was empty. I went downstairs and she was doing some kind of paperwork. I asked if she was okay and she said she was. She asked why and I said because the house was quiet and I got worried. I then made my bacon sandwich. It was good. I kind of burnt the bacon because the cheese wouldn’t separate from each slice and it annoyed me, temporarily letting me forget about the bacon cooking. I like it burnt so it was no big deal.

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Sunday Blog 23

Sunday Blog 23

I spent the afternoon with my aunt who is at a rehab center north of where I live. It was good meeting her. She remembered who we were and cried when she realized my father is no longer with us. It was good spending time with her and my cousin.

Afterwards, my sisters and I went out to have pizza. It was really good. Pizza is my favorite food anyways. We got stuck in traffic on the way home. My ankle was not happy with me and I needed pain meds but didn’t have any. I had to wait to get home. Then my sister had to go to the grocery store. I just snoozed in the car while she shopped.

Today was a totally different day than yesterday. Yesterday was near 70 degrees, today was half that. It was cold. My mother turned on the heat and we now have heating problems. One of the radiators was making noises really bad. My brother in law is trying to see what he can do to fix it. It’s really hot in my room so they must have turned the heat on high and then off as the radiator is cold now. I have the ceiling fan on.

I am pretty tired from all the driving around. Long drives always tire me out. I could nap but I don’t want to mess up my sleep at night, which hasn’t been too great lately. I took a shower today because I had to get the gel out of my hair. I also had to shave my goatee as my aunt wouldn’t like it. It was kind of getting unruly anyways. My aunt asked what I was doing for work and I just said that I work from home. She didn’t need to know that I am on disability as she obviously forgot. She asked what I do at home and I said that I type.

I wanted to make marinara sauce today but my aunt’s visit was more important. I can make the sauce tomorrow. I have no plans, other than calling the dentist. I really need to get my tooth filled before it gets bigger. It’s been almost three months now since my last visit. I have been putting it off because I hate getting my teeth drilled. It gives me anxiety. But it needs to be done.

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Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

I had my coffee when I woke up this morning. My mother had woken me up earlier than I would have liked as she wanted to know if I was going out or not. I wasn’t as I needed a day’s rest from yesterday’s activities. Plus I didn’t get to sleep until after 0200 so I was pretty tired. When I came back to my room, I started reading Norse Mythology. There was one chapter that actually made me laugh. I am so enjoying this book. I read until I got really hungry at 1430. I had bought some Fenway Franks and I was dying to make them. I fried them up. They were so good.

After lunch, I just played on my laptop checking email, Twitter, and Facebook. I got an email from one of the facilitators of the course I will be taking Friday. It was just a greeting and to see if anyone had any questions. I was telling my mother and she asked why wasn’t I posting on Facebook. I said I was but it’s a small group of friends that want my book and I don’t want to keep posting the same message over and over again. And with Twitter, I have to be really creative to get a message with hashtags in 140 characters. I am not a creative person. I am toying with the idea of getting postcards made and handing them out at the Square or Harvard to see if that pulls any sales. I know they will end up more in the trash than anything but you never know. Lots of people have mental illness that they don’t share or are interested in stories about it.

My pain had been minimal till I was cooking the dogs. I swear I can’t cook anything without my ankle flaring up. It’s nice out so my mother has the back door open. I couldn’t believe it when I went downstairs. It really is a nice day. I haven’t gone out because it’s sunny and reading in the sun is difficult, even with sunglasses.

Well, my laptop almost got kicked to the ceiling. I started getting foot zaps and they were so painful. It felt like someone or something was biting me. I checked to make sure there wasn’t a bug under my covers but nope, nothing and no marks on my foot. Just fucking nerve pain fucking with me. There is nothing you can do when this happens, just wait it out. It is extremely painful. I rather have constant burning pain than zaps any day and twice on Sunday. Least I know my trusty Neurontin will take care of it in no time. My leg was doing it’s twitching thing before the zaps started so I had to take an Ativan. Now I am feeling sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two before I snooze so I will end here. Will write more later if I am up to it.

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Reading and other things on my mind

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

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