Dreary rainy day

I woke up in severe pain. I took my pain meds and my BP pill. I had to pee so used the bathroom. Going downstairs was awful. Any movement of my foot caused pain. I don’t know if it was raining or not. The rain was supposed to start in the afternoon. I figured if it hasn’t started yet, I could go to the post office. I had to brush my teeth and eat something as I was hungry. My foot said no. I was in complete agony. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up when my pain meds wore off. My foot still hurt. It was raining but not hard. It was kind of dark despite daylight hours. I had to use the bathroom. I took my meds, put on the boot, then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth then had a bowl of cereal. I had paid all of my bills. I didn’t order my groceries. I am going to wait till Friday when everything clears.

My psych responded to my email. She called in my meds and gave me an appt for Monday. I said okay. I am supposed to see my therapist later that afternoon. I am going to find out where the bus stop is at the station so I don’t have to walk. I think that will be easier for me. I just need to figure out where the best stop to get off is.

I got hungry again and wanted steak tips. I ordered them from a place down the street. I got like 6 pieces and the rest was vegetables, fries, and salad. I won’t be ordering from them again. I also got mozzarella sticks. I am so full.

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. Hard to believe he passed away 2 years ago. My sister posted a video of him being a goofball. I miss the asshole. I don’t think my sisters and I are doing anything. We might see my aunt Sunday afternoon. It takes some planning.

got nothing done today

Got nothing done today

I had wanted to go to the post office and then to the screen place to have my window screen fixed but neither happened because I woke up late. My mother woke me up around 0830, after I fell asleep at 5. I should have stayed up. I thought about it but I was so fricken tired I just went back to sleep. My mother called me around 2 asking where I was. Like seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

I didn’t want to do a damn thing when she woke me up. I had to brush my teeth as I never did it yesterday. I needed to make the last steakhouse burger I had before it went bad. I cleared the messages on my phone, took my pain meds, and then went to the bathroom to brush. It was after 3 so I told my mother I was making a burger for dinner. After the burger I made some tea. My friend who I talked to last night called me as I was drinking it to see how I was doing. We talked for a bit as he was making his way home from work. He was stuck in traffic.

I really hate that I slept so damn late. I should have set my alarm or something. Tomorrow is going to rain so I don’t think I can do anything. The weather is okay Wednesday so maybe I will do that. I am listening to the game. Sox are losing 3-1 right now. I hope they make a comeback.

I paid some bills while I was up. I didn’t order my groceries because I didn’t have enough to cover. I plan on placing the order tomorrow. My mother used my carrots in the stir fry she made last night so I need more. She also told me that she cut up the celery I bought and froze it. I don’t mind because it is cheaper to get a thing of celery than to buy it all cut up.

Free baseball as my boys tied up the game in the 9th inning. YAY, not over yet. Will update when the game is over.

update 2203, Sox lose 4-3 😦

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

I started off with a good day. I made lunch as I woke up around noon. I had one of the steakhouse burgers I bought. I have one left, which I hope will still be good tomorrow. Then I showered and my ankle was having a fit. I didn’t care. It was nice out and I wanted to go to Starbucks. I also wanted to try and write a story. I kind of made a checklist of things I wanted to do today before I went to sleep last night. I just got one thing done, the outline of the story I want to write. I couldn’t think of anything to write while at Starbucks. I had wanted to go to CVS to get a card for a friend but after I cleaned up and put my things away, I forgot.

I got to the bus depot and while waiting for my bus, this guy walks by me and brushes against not one breast, but two. He apologized but he had this weird smirk on his face. I felt so horrible and the gender dysphoria just flared. I never hated my body more than I did at that moment. I got into a bad mood so fast. The bus couldn’t bring me home fast enough.

I went to Walgreens when I got off the bus. I wanted to get the card as I knew I would be going to the post office tomorrow. I found a card and then decided to get the dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup. They had them on sale for 2/$2 so I got two. Then I saw the Kit Kat bars and wanted the dark chocolate one. I found them after some looking. I then went to the checkout. The cashier was no where to be found and there was two customers ahead of me. The older guy went off somewhere so the second customer went up once the cashier returned. I put my stuff on the counter and the older gentleman was behind me. As the cashier was checking me out, he blurts out that I am buying too much chocolate and that tonight I should stand in the mirror and say no more chocolate. I just looked at him only because he tapped me on the shoulder. I gave him the nastiest look I could. I wanted to tell him to fuck off but held my tongue. I think the cashier was expecting an argument or something because he stopped what he was doing. I just handed him my money, got my change and left without saying a damn word. I was so fucking heated. The nerve of the guy!!

I told my mother what happened and she didn’t say anything. Thanks, ma! She just said we were having stir fry for dinner. I went upstairs to rant and rave. I had posted about the gender dysphoria but not too many people commented on it. The post about the Walgreens incident had more responses. Not like I was looking for it because I was fuming. People were telling me to tell him fuck off. It was just good that I felt supported by my friends on one post but not the other. Guess you can’t win them all.

I had dinner with my mother. She wanted me to clean up and I said okay but you are putting the rice away. She said no because she does everything and cooks, etc. I said yeah I don’t do nothing. She said emphatically, yes, I don’t do anything and I nearly lost it. I was so fucking hurt. I put the rice in a container but didn’t put it in the fridge because it was still hot.

I started working on my blog and because I had a bottle of water with dinner, I had to use the bathroom. I brought down the packages that I need to mail out tomorrow and then used the bathroom. I got a blank card so I could put the address of where I am sending one of them and the packing tape to stick it on. My mother then asks if I have the duct tape. I told her I don’t. She said it was in my office in one of the drawers. I told her it wasn’t. She argued with me so I fricken moved the stuff out of the way so I can check the drawers. No duct tape but found another roll of packing tape and some old pictures. I showed the roll of tape to my mother and she said no, that wasn’t what she needs. Bitch. I took it upstairs as I am out of packing tape and the pictures.

I went through the pictures. They were from the days of when I was a teen working with kids. I had one roll of all the kids from the summer program. I don’t remember their names, not a single one. I found a couple of my sister and nephew and another of my uncle. I posted them on Facebook. Then I looked in the other bag and my heart broke. The first picture was of my uncle (different one) and aunt who have been dead for some time now. I miss them so much. It just killed me seeing them. Then I found a pic of my wonderful aunts dancing. Behind them was another aunt and uncle dancing. This is the aunt that just passed away a few months ago. I was hurting so bad. I had taken the pics but they were sideways. I played with the damn functions of my phone trying to set them right. By the time I did, I had started a flare. A big one. It was blinding me. And, right on cue, my bladder needed to be emptied again. Fuck. I stood and saw stars. I carefully went downstairs, used the bathroom, and thought I would be able to make it back to my room. I went up like four steps and my ankle said a big fuck you. I was seeing stars again and I sat down. I was breathing really heavy and my chest hurt. I was having anxiety. Great. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mother hadn’t noticed me. I didn’t know what to do because I was panicking. Finally I yelled for my mother. She couldn’t hear me over the TV. JFC. I had to wait for her to mute it and then she tried to get up. I said don’t get up call my sister to come up and get my meds. She called and I was waiting in agony. I didn’t put anything on my feet so my feet were getting cold. If it got colder, I would be screwed because I would cramp. My sister came up and I told her exactly where to find the bottle of meds that I needed. I had to explain it again once she got to my room because she didn’t fucking listen! Seriously??? Finally she got the bottle and some water. She brought them to me and I just waited a few minutes trying to relax. But I was still breathing heavy and panicky.

I had to put my foot under some blankets or I was going to hurt more. I carefully stood up, thanked my sister, and then carefully made my way up the stairs.

I kept staring at the laptop with my small paragraph and couldn’t continue. I had so much to say about today and my mind was stuck. I needed to talk to someone. I texted my good friend and he said he could talk to me. I knew he would be able to make me laugh and forget things while the pain meds did its magic. I talked to him for about a half hour or so and felt better afterwards. So wrote this long blog that I was trying to write the past several hours. I finally took my night meds almost two hours late. I will probably be up late because I did but there was nothing I could do about it because I was in too much pain to stand up.

Pain keeps moving around my ankle and the part of my foot where it is atrophied. I don’t think I am going to sleep until the middle of the night. I am tired from the stress of the pain. Ativan that I took with my night meds should be able to settle me down. I might need to take another strong pain pill.

The awesome thing that happened, that I forgot to mention, was that my best friend out in Illinois officially adopted his son. I am so happy for him that when I found out, I started crying tears of joy. I couldn’t help me. My friend has always wanted a child. And now he has one. I couldn’t be more thrilled. My friend’s family is the best. I know this because after I met them one Christmas, we exchanged Christmas cards for years and they still ask for me. It was really cool.

Painsomia and me

Another night of pain. My foot and ankle are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I’m really tired and want to sleep but I just hurt too bad. I’ve taken all that I can right now. I might take an ativan to see if that helps.

I’m really thinking about suicide. I can’t help it. I feel so rotten. I don’t know what the point is to keep going. I really just don’t want to be this way anymore. I’ve tried to get help but no one wants to. I just keep getting the run around. See this doc,who sends me to this doc, who sends me to yet another doc. It is like a passing game. Mean while, my pain is through the pain roof. I get pain anxiety attacks. And then people wonder why I get suicidal. 

I put my compression sock on. It helped the hammering pain of my malleolus. But then the pain that was shooting down to my foot returned. I can’t keep up with the changing pain. 

I’m probably going to sleep most of the day,which means I probably won’t be making the phone calls I need to make. I need to make them this week. I am scared to do it. It will only make my plan more real.

Because I cancelled my appt with my therapist, it will be the 2nd week I’ve missed him. Last week he was off. I don’t know if I should continue with him. I don’t see the point. Like why bother if I am just going to die. I can just talk in the meantime about stuff. He isn’t a structured therapist.he pretty much just goes with the flow. I like it but sometimes it is annoying.  

I’ve been keeping a draft about my deep dark stuff. I wrote about it when I am really feeling despair. I been writing in the dates I modify it. I don’t know if I will publish it. I want to add a few more paragraphs to it. Then I think I will. It will be password protected so “hero”jerks don’t call the cops on me.

Ativan is kicking in. Thanks for reading. 😊 

Sunday Blog on Earth Day 2018

Sunday Blog on Earth Day 2018

Today was my niece’s birthday and I woke up an hour before I had to be downstairs. My mother never called me to put on her socks so I pretty much slept, even though I once again had weird dreams. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and my mother was in there, getting ready for the party. I asked if I could use the toilet and she said okay. She then asked me if I would put the socks on. I said okay. I brushed my teeth before I did. She then asked what took me so long. Seriously??

After I put the socks on, I just went downstairs. I forgot to take my pain meds and it had been hours since my last dose. My ankle was throbbing so I asked my niece to get them for me. She brought the bottle and I took them (not the bottle!) It was a good party. I was talking to my nephew about computers and saw the Celtics lose by two points. I haven’t watched basketball since Larry Bird retired. The uniforms were horrid. I couldn’t watch the last 33 seconds. The Sox were losing as well. They lost last night. The A’s pitcher got a no hitter and despite my best in jinxing it, it didn’t work. The Sox got their first series loss of the season. It is their 4th game they lost.

My cousin came over with her baby. I haven’t seen the baby since it was born. I don’t go down the street because I don’t like her grandmother, my aunt. The baby was so damn cute. I held her and I missed my “kids” being that small. It kind of felt good to hold a baby. I don’t know why.

My pain was relatively okay during the party. I didn’t hurt until I came back up to my room. Course I get to my room and then my mother calls me to take off her socks. UGH. So I went up and down the stairs in a short time. Ankle did not like that. Then I realized it was close to med time and I haven’t filled my box for the week. Double UGH! I filled the box and took my meds. Took two steps back to my bed and ankle had a flare. I am hurting so damn fucking bad.

I want to thank my readers who read my blog, no matter what I post and comment to support or just let me know they are there or that I helped them through whatever. It means a lot and it is really appreciated.