a day of business calls

A day of business calls

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up every fricken hour from 1a on. I finally gave up sleeping at 7. I took my meds and then paid my bills. I had enough left over to put some funds in Starbucks and buy a book. I then put my alarm on for 930 so I could see if I could sleep for an hour before I had to get up and ready for getting my haircut. I didn’t sleep. I kept on getting notifications that kept me up. I should have turned off my phone or put the no disturb on so just my alarm would go off. I will have to remember that for next time.

I had my coffee and biscuits. My sister came up for a short time to tell me about my sister in law. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in March and now it has metastasized to her abdomen. She is now in hospice care. Her family is in denial that she is sick which isn’t helping her. Apparently she is so depressed over the news she just isn’t doing much to take care of herself and is in the ICU because she is dehydrated. I feel bad for her. My brother in law is also in denial about her sister’s health. I just feel bad for her son. He is going through so much.

After I had coffee I got dressed and ready for the bus. I had planned on going to Starbucks after the haircut but forgot my bag so I just went to get a drink for me and my barber. On the way back to the barber shop I became short of breath again. I don’t know why as it is all level ground, no inclines or hills. I know this is because of Covid and being deconditioned. My PT said my breathing would be the last to be better. I want to be better now! Dammit.

After I got my haircut, I was again out of breath when I got home. I had to sit in the kitchen for a bit to relax before going up to my room. I had some water and then went up to my room. I changed into my PJs, turned on the AC, checked my phone for more messages and then rested for a couple of hours. I didn’t sleep but the rest did me good. I was finally able to call my insurance and find out why the copays were so high. Turns out my PT place is billing several dates of service under one date so it looks like one visit is costing me $30, $50, or $60 dollars depending on how many visits is processed.  I emailed the billing and asked why wasn’t this reflected in my statement so it doesn’t look like one visit is costing me more than my $15 copay. I am waiting for a response.

I also called uro because I need catheters. I have one box left. The nurse I left a message to called the supply company and they said they would rush the order. I still have to have my provider change the daily catheter number so I can get more catheters to hold me through the month. I sent a message 5 days ago and haven’t heard back so I sent another message asking what the status is.

All this calling made me tired and seeing as I didn’t eat anything, I was also nervous/anxious. I took an Ativan and ordered Chinese food, my favorite dish, Kung Pao chicken. It was so good. They didn’t have the double order like before. I guess you can only order a bowl now, which is sad. I might have to change to another Chinese restaurant to get more Kung Pao rather than more rice. I just didn’t want to place a big order.

I got a response to the message I sent to my therapist the other day. She isn’t happy with me because I sent her “provocative” text messages. I was having a bad pain day yesterday and was texting her about what I was taking. I guess she took it as “provocative” messages. She also said repeatedly that she knows my knowledge of things is great and she said this throughout the session. Funny, I don’t remember her saying that at all. I guess when she said I didn’t go to med school, it threw out whatever else she was saying. I am trying to do what she has asked of me by doing the work outside of therapy like doing the work in the suicidal thoughts workbook. I have been meaning to do it but I am just too tired because I haven’t slept good the past few nights and been in a lot of pain.

I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game tonight. I am feeling awfully tired and I don’t know if the game will cause me to get agitated if there are bad plays. I get involved in my games when I am listening or watching it. I am going to take my night meds early because I want to make sure I go to bed at a decent hour. Last night I was late in taking my meds and it disrupted my sleep. I also bought 3mg of melatonin to take at the suggestion of my psychiatrist. I told him the 5 mg was giving me a hangover the next day. We’ll see if the 3 mg is better.

Did a lot so paying the price

I went to PT despite being really tired as I’ve been up since 330a. She wanted me to work the bike for 7 mins but I was only able to do 4. My thighs were killing me. She massaged my back and neck and gave me yet another tennis ball to work out the knots in my back. She said to use a pillow case to get the ball where it needed to be. It worked so will do that.

I ordered groceries but was so fucking tired. Pain seized up my leg, ankle, and foot so I wasn’t able to bring them.up the stairs. My sister brought up some then flipped out when she saw I bought more breakfast biscuits. Don’t know why it is her business but she literally went off the handle and I’m the one in therapy. The aggravation did *wonders* for my pain so now I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning.

I get paid tomorrow so I am going to buy some whiskey. I need to get drunk. Just hope I don’t drunk text my therapist.

Here is a cute pic of a tabby kitten with a teddy bear in blue striped pajamas. It was part of a video and I screen shotted the end. It was so cute when the owner handed the kitten the bear. The excitement was adorable. Makes me smile.

Had a day out

Had a day out

I had therapy this morning and just like I predicted my therapist got on her high horse and told me to take my meds. I told her I wanted a break from antidepressants and she was like no. Then she said that I didn’t go to medical school so I should trust my psychiatrist and start the new antidepressant. She also said that I should listen to my providers (like her) and do the things they suggest. She called me out and I was pissed. I couldn’t find fault with her argument and that made me madder. I asked if she wanted proof that I take my meds and she said no. But when we were discussing things to do outside of therapy, I am to send proof I am doing it. There were at least three times during session I wanted to leave. I honestly don’t know why I stayed to be reprimanded on my actions or rather inactions.

I am listening to Jeremy by Pearl Jam, a song about teenage suicide. It is one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs because the lyrics speak to me. As I am listening to it now I think about suicide and how my life has revolved around it for more than 30 years. I often wonder why I am still fucking alive. I just live with suicidality. With the exception of the attempt in 2019, I have not acted on my thoughts in a good 15 years. I have been hospitalized a few times during that time but not because I attempted.

After therapy, I need to go out. I shaved and then showered. Then took the bus to the Square. I went to Chipotle for lunch and then I did a little grocery shopping because my mother needed bananas and I needed half and half. It was hot and I was sweating like a pig. It wasn’t muggy just hot.

I am going to write my therapist a note because I am pissed she has dismissed my knowledge of meds because I “didn’t go to med school”. You don’t learn the lethal doses of medications or their pharmokinetics by going to med school. I probably know more than a first year med student. What’s next, I don’t know anything about therapy because I don’t have a PsyD? I guess all the time I was studying psychology in college was a waste. I took pharmacology in college so I think I know a little more than the average Joe. Plus I read a lot about medicine and drugs. I’ve been studying psych meds since I was 15.

I sent my therapist part of the paragraph above because I think it is important she know how pissed I am that she doubted my knowledge of meds. I am glad I went out but it cost me. My legs were feeling weak on the way home. I was really tired from the heat. I didn’t take a nap because I was too restless. I watched a few episode of Community. Such a stupid show to watch.

Sunday Blog 25072021

Sunday Blog 25072021

I am in a grumpy mood. I tried to get to sleep after I watched the Queen’s Gambit till 0230 but I couldn’t sleep. I was taking meds and melatonin and I was still up. I was kind of groggy and tried sleeping but then it was interrupted by pain. The pain was so bad it entered my dream which then woke me up. I felt like shit and still do.

I was going to take a nap after I had coffee but decided to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I still have to do my meds for the week. I am off the citalopram. I am not going to start the Pristiq just yet. I want to wait a little bit. I texted my therapist this so I am sure we will be talking about this tomorrow and I hope she doesn’t get into one of her higher than mighty speeches. I won’t listen to them. I am going to ask her if she is glad I exist. I have been feeling kind of like it will be better if I don’t exist lately.

My brother in law was supposed to put in the new AC I bought yesterday and never did. Today is raining so I don’t think he will. The AC has been sitting on my living room floor all month. Box is still closed. I am so frustrated. I wish I could do it myself but I have weight limits and the AC is over 15 lbs.

My leg is bothering me so I have been in a worse sour mood. I have been thinking of not existing. I am very depressed and anxious because I haven’t slept and it is leading to dark thoughts. I am struggling to write because I am so tired. I wanted to shower today but I don’t think that is going to happen. I can’t remember the last time I showered and I don’t really care. Because of Covid I can’t smell my BO anymore.

I’ve been watching the show Community all night. It was relaxing until pain hit and then I couldn’t sleep. I finally took a little nap in the afternoon when my med alarm went off at 1600. It was good to get a little rest. I feel better mentally. I was hungry so made myself a turkey and cheese sandwich and some white rice. I also made a pink lemonade drink. It was really good. I put habanero honey mustard on my sandwich and my mouth is burning. My nephew finds the really good stuff for habanero. I really like it.

My mother has been bugging me to bring down my laptop so she can look at some cabinets. I finally brought it down and decided to finish this blog in the process. Sox had a comeback win so that was good. They beat the Skanks and won the series. They have 61 wins right now. I am so happy for them. I will be even happier when Sale returns from the IL. He has been out due to having Tommy John surgery. That is a lot of recovery.