I’ve been listening to music and trying to wind down and just when I want to crash, damn anxiety pain hits me. My foot is berserk right now because I put some lotion on it. Had to. It was white as a ghost. My right foot is the same but I am too tired to rub lotion on it. I will in the morning.
I spent the day sleeping. I just could not get up. Exhaustion weighed so heavy on me my soul could feel it. I had a cold cut sandwich and it was all I ate. I had an Ensure but that didn’t help the hunger. I am too lazy to go downstairs to make something to eat. I tried but I just can’t get the energy to leave my room.
Voices are quiet tonight. I am just agitated and can’t seem to settle down. I took 8mg of perphenazine. That wiped out the voices but not the agitation. I hate feeling perturbed. It is so uncomfortable. I sent my therapist the date I plan on ending things again. I don’t know why I did that. It is tentative at best. I’m probably going to get in trouble for it.
I don’t think they understand what a struggle it is to live. If they did, I think they would understand why I want to die so badly. I am so tired of living. I am 44 and feel like a bad of shit. How did I get to be this age? I was supposed to die when I was 19 and yet I am still here. WTF. Nothing is different than what it was back then and now. My fault. Everything is. I am to blame. We control our destinies don’t we? Isn’t that what they say? See I would pick my half birthday but there are two people I love that were born on that day so I want to keep it happy for them so I chose another day.
I am just a suicidal writer. Psychotic at times. Depressed always. Maybe depressed isn’t the word. Melancholic maybe better termed to describe the horrible despair. The lifelessness. Is it worth living? I don’t feel I deserve to live.
“To be sure, I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt to. God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds a thousand wounds.” Hugo Wolf
Yesterday, I helped two strangers. On the way home from the hospital where I had my appointments, I noticed I lost my ring. I had no idea where it could have been. Last time I felt it was when I was washing my hands and a part of me wondered if I accidently threw it away with the paper towels I was using as I was adjusting it on my finger. That was the last time I remember seeing it. I should have put it on my other hand where it wasn’t so loose but I didn’t so I thought I lost it. Today I called up police and security of the hospital to check to see if someone turned it in. Someone had. I took the next bus to the station and went to the hosp. While there, I decided to go to the lab and see my friends. It was good to see them. I miss working there. I even had a dream that I had to FedEx a sample to get results by 5 the next day. Weird. I think the lab will always be a part of me, even if they get my name and gender wrong. Some of my friends who follow me on social media know I am transitioning. I wasn’t out to all of the people in the lab so I just had to take it.
I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I had written her a letter which she said I started off strong and then went off on a tangent. I don’t remember what I wrote so it is possible. I am finding transference with her gets easier as time goes on. She kept my letter and the papers I printed out which were the SSF part A. I told her we can use them and they can be our talking point. It will help focus things. Least that is what I hope will happen. Just hope she doesn’t sort of hold me to it every meeting. My psychopharm is. She pulls out the sheets every meeting. She asks about my suicidality. She has been asking since I told her to. My therapist has too. She wanted to know more details about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her it would be a few months before I was ready to act on my thoughts, though I didn’t say it in those words. I am still not sure I will tell her I was going to kill myself.
I told my psychopharm that if I don’t feel better by Monday, I will consider going inpatient for a while. I really hope I don’t end up back south east of Boston again. That place was terrible. I would really hate having to use catheters there. I would rather have a foley put in so I won’t have to worry about it. I get my order of supplies tomorrow. I plan on packing a bag in addition to trying to clear the alcove space that needs to happen. I hope this bag that I have been trying to find is there and not in the other alcove.
It has been another painful day except this time it is my leg that hurts. I haven’t been able to do much today. Both legs hurt but the left is worse. I hope I don’t have a DVT. I always worry about that when I have been laying about and not being active too much. Hard to be active when you are in pain. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on calling my pcp’s office if it still hurts. I got to call the office anyways as there seems to be a scheduling error. I don’t have an appointment with my psychopharm until March. I thought I had one on the books for the last week of Feb but there isn’t one. I need a refill on my meds for the end of the month so I would like to see her but if I can’t, I will just tell her I need a refill. I got to call my surgeon’s office as they have the wrong medical record number on my paperwork. I think the number is my mother’s.
The last call I need to make is to make an appointment with the public transportation Ride service. It is a pickup service that I may need after surgery because I will be too weak to take public transportation. Once I have it, I will be able to see that pain clinic my pcp wants me to go to. But that won’t be until after my surgery. I don’t want to be changing up meds before then. I just hope that my pain will be taken cared of while I am in the hospital.
I was hoping to go to Starbucks tomorrow but I am out of funds. I’ll have to make my coffee tomorrow. Past few days I have been drinking tea. I still have the iced coffee in the fridge. It is past its expiration date so I hope it still takes good even though it hasn’t been opened. I will see tomorrow.
I got my grocery bill down to $174 even. Hope I can keep that total for a week. I don’t get paid until next Monday. I got a lot of cereal and frozen dinners so I have food while recovering from surgery. I wanted something quick that I didn’t have to stand and cook. I don’t think I will be able to do much the first few weeks after surgery. I have no idea what I am going to do about therapy. I don’t think going six weeks without is a good idea.
The voices are somewhat better. The increase in dose of the Invega has helped stabilize the psychosis. I chatted with a suicide hotline last night because the pain was so bad, I was losing my mind. We were talking and I felt like I gave too much information about being suicidal. They asked me what my plan was and I said that wasn’t relevant as I am not going to act on my thoughts tonight. I can hardly walk or stand so there was no way for me to attempt. They wanted me to let my therapist know I talked to them. I cringed at this. So after the conversation ended, I texted my therapist to tell her. I also asked for an appt for tomorrow and she responded with some times. I think it will be good to talk to her as things have been building up. The stress of surgery is causing so much havoc. The flares have been, too. I just feel so hopeless and helpless when the flares are so bad I can’t stand. It causes me to think of ending things and once I start, I can’t help but plan things. It is my escape and I don’t think that is ever going to change.