midnightdemons7

All too well (ten min version)

I didn’t know what to choose for a title today so I picked a Taylor song that I love. I started listening to it on the way home last night and had to stop it when I walked in the door. I love listening to Red TV. It is so good. There is going to be a Taylor cover concert in my town but I don’t know when it will be. I didn’t see the date. I want to go.

I had planned on reading my textbook today but I have done nothing this afternoon since I woke up. I had two cups of coffee, one of them was after 530 so I will stay up. I need to read. And it is a long chapter. I have homework to do tomorrow. I want to get the reading done so I can do it.

I have been feeling really tired most of the day. I got another migraine. That makes 5 in a week. My neuro hasn’t got back to me on what she wants to do. I was hoping to hear from her today. Maybe tomorrow. I am supposed to see my DMH worker tomorrow afternoon. Weather is supposed to be decent. I might walk to the station. Depends on my mood. I have taken Tylenol nearly every day this week for one pain or another. My headache is getting worse. I haven’t taken anything for it, yet. I get sick of taking pills all the time.

I feel really depressed. Last night I had such a difficult time trying to sleep. I don’t think I fell asleep till after 2am or so. I read my book but it didn’t matter. I was just wired. I hate when I come home late but there is nothing I can do about it. I slept late so that was good. I was having a good dream before some noise outside woke me up. I had taken my morning pills around 730 when I went pee. I was reading an article that just came out about sleep and suicidal ideation. It was an interesting study. I hope I don’t have a hard time falling asleep tonight because I need to leave the house by 2 tomorrow.

The puppy has been with her daddy the last few days. I hope she comes home tonight. I miss her so much. Today my phone created a collage of pics of her. She was so small. It has been amazing watching her grow up.

Another chapter

I slept later than I wanted to. Yesterday’s activities made sleep through the night. I didn’t wake up till after 12. I took my meds and then made coffee. I also had some waffles. They were the new Eggo protein waffles. They weren’t bad. I had another cup of coffee with them. Then I shaved. I didn’t know what I was going to wear for PJs. I ended up getting my flannel ones out of my bag that I had packed for the hospital like a year ago. I never unpacked it. I tried to find my UMB hat but I don’t know where it is. It wasn’t where I last saw it.

I felt a little more energetic today than I did yesterday. As I was getting dressed, I knocked over my pill box. I still don’t think I got everything picked up. I found all the alcohol wipes I put in it under the bottles. I then left for the bus.

I got to campus an hour and a half early before class. I printed out the slides on the next chapter just in case we had gone through the lipids chapter. Turns out we were still on chapter 2 so I really didn’t miss much when I missed class on Monday. I just got to read the chapter and then do the homework assignment. I also need to do the lab report which is going to be a little more trickier. It has to be in a format. I think I can do it.

It took me so long to get home. I didn’t get home till around 830pm. I was starving as I didn’t eat anything since the waffles at noontime. I made some butternut squash ravioli and my niece had made spanakopita so I had the last two pieces. I needed the calories as the ravioli was just under what I needed to take the Latuda. I had bought a water bottle on the way to campus so I could drink but I wasn’t too thirsty.

Tomorrow is my rest day. I plan on reading chapter 2. I need to take all the recycle off my bed. I got boxes that need to be taken down. Hopefully my legs won’t be too sore. My neuro got back to me about my migraines. She is thinking about temporarily increasing the Depakote. I just hope if she does, I don’t get worse tremors.

Hard day

I reluctantly got up around 10 because I had to pee. I then took my meds and played my games as well as checked messages on my phone. I was feeling so damn tired. I got up around 1030 to get some coffee. I had one cup and then some yogurt. Then I had another cup. I was kind of hungry so I made a chicken sandwich. I forgot how good those chicken patties are. Then I got dressed for class. I was kind of running late so took a Lyft to the station. Of course the trains were delayed and I was worried I was going to be late for lab. They have a 15 min rule where if you are more than 15 mins late, you’re not allowed in lab. I just made it. I forgot to bring a water bottle and I was thirsty. I am grateful they had water fountains around the campus.

My legs were not my friend today. Even around the house they were aching. I had to do a lot of walking on campus to get to the lab and then I had to walk back. By the time I got to the train station and did the three flights of stairs to get there, I was so out of breath. It took a long while for me to catch my breath. The trains were delayed. Apparently, someone got hit by a commuter rail train and died. I don’t know if it was intentional or not as they were crossing the tracks.

I was craving spaghetti and sauce so I stopped at the store and got luckily they had my brand of jarred sauce. The pasta I didn’t care for but it was all they had so I bought it. When I turned on the last street to my house, I thought my legs were going to give on me. I was taking baby steps home. I had to pee and I was out of breath again. My niece was in the bathroom so I had to wait. I leaked and didn’t feel it. I need to shower tomorrow. And shave. I have a new shave cream/balm. I have found that using it makes my head softer than a dry shave. I am so tired. I was going to read a chapter for class but I think I am going to go to bed, soon as I put my PJs on.

Therapy was hard today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 3 and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I also had a hard time getting up. I didn’t get up till 1230 which left me a little time to wake up before my therapy appt. I was sort of dreading it.

She brought up the stuff I sent her in the message and we talked about some trauma stuff, though I don’t know if it is really trauma stuff. We talked about how much the suicidal stuff was related to me being trans. She wondered if seeing a LGBTQ therapist would be helpful and I said that it is hard to find one. Mostly I have seen allies. The session really brought me down and I needed to nap. I was so tired. And then I got a migraine so decided not to go to class. It was the fourth day of migraines for me. I sent a message to my neuro and I hope it went through. I kept getting error messages on the app.

I have been trying to do my homework for lab but nothing is making sense to me right now and I want to sleep so bad. I completely do not understand it and the migraine isn’t helping me. I was supposed to get a print of it but it hasn’t been delivered yet. I am doing it electronically, well trying to anyway.

I still feel like I should be dead somehow. I don’t feel any different that I have transitioned. The depression is the same. The wanting to die is the same, though it isn’t as intense as it once was. I just feel jaded most of the time. Like I can die and it wouldn’t bother me at all. I have built up the capacity to do it. I just choose not to act on it. Like it is ok to have the thoughts but as long as I don’t act on it, I am ok. I feel like I can act on it anytime I want to. There just needs to be a driving force to do it. Right now there isn’t. It’s not overwhelming me.

I found out today my aunt died. She had dementia. She didn’t know me anymore. It was really sad. She was a nice lady. I will always remember that about her.