midnightdemons7

Yesterday was first day of class

I was in pain before I got to campus yesterday. I had a little sciatica in my leg. I didn’t have to walk far to get to where I was going on campus. With a half hour left in class, the fire alarms went off and we had to evacuate the building. The professor is awesome and the class is going to be very interesting. She is writing a book on Shay’s rebellion that I will be curious to read when it comes out.

I had to pick up my packet for class and then I got lost in the building trying to get out. I didn’t go in the way I went out but I made it. I had to do stairs though, which aggravated my leg. I also had to go to the campus store to buy a binder for the packet. My backpack was heavier than when it started.

I woke up at 5am yesterday and didn’t go to sleep till around 230am today. I got about 3 hours of sleep. I feel so damn tired. I had to take two pain meds last night and I took all I the meds I could take for nerve pain and spasms. I still have the sciatic pain. I have been eating all day. I had buffalo chicken dip, cheese and crackers, and a bowl of cereal. I hope I don’t get heartburn because I have been getting that a lot lately. I am out of Mylanta so this sucks. I have to get it when I get paid next as I am broke again.

I had therapy today. It went well. I told her about the issues I have been having and about my suicidal states. She suggested peer to peer so I am going to look into it. I tried to take a nap afterwards but couldn’t sleep. I am so tired. I hope I sleep tonight. Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store because I want a steak and it is on sale. I got the sale papers yesterday. I haven’t had steak in so long. I want to BBQ it. I have to shave and shower tomorrow. I am going to try and do it every two days. Of course, it will depend on my energy levels.

Feeling more depressed

Last night I slept with the puppy because her mom was sleeping elsewhere. She didn’t really cuddle with me for too long and slept most of the night on her dog bed. I stayed in the room so she wouldn’t be alone.

I woke up and went to my room to take my morning meds. I tried going back to sleep and succeeded. I had a hard time sleeping for some reason. I kept tossing and turning. Then one of my in laws came over so I got up to see him. I don’t think I have seen him since my mother died. He looked good. He is back in the city, in another part where I live. He actually lives near the grocery store I frequent.

I had some breakfast and then I was full. I had a cup of coffee because I needed it. I finally had the right spoon for the sugar bowl so it was perfect. I had used a regular teaspoon the past few days and it was a little bit too much sugar. I started feeling a little hungry while my sister was making something but I didn’t eat anything. I am still full and I had some water and a glass of iced tea.

I have been having suicidal thoughts the past few days. Some of them have been scary because I could see myself act on them. I feel anxious about it because I don’t know what to do. Like I know what to do (use safety plan or text crisis line). I ended up using the crisis line. I talked with them for like an hour or so. I don’t have a solid plan so I told them I didn’t have a plan.

I finally changed my sheets. I feel good about this. It took me a long while. Now I just have to wash my dirty clothes that are in my room, including the old sheets. My foot is cold even though it is under the comforter. I don’t have the AC on, just the ceiling fan. It has been cool today though pollen count is still high.

I had an ensure with my night meds. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. I am tired but I know I won’t be able to sleep. It is too early. I have been going to bed before 8pm most nights and surprisingly, I have slept through most of the night except with a couple of waking up to pee. Last night I think I woke up twice to pee. I started a Powerade bottle because I was thirsty so I knew it was going to happen. But I was on the same level as the bathroom so it didn’t wake me up as much. Honey just stayed in her dog bed. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful. So I am going to try and stay up till at least 9pm and then go to bed.