Therapist is Back

Therapist is back

My therapist came back from vacation. She went to Ireland as she brought me back a spoon. It’s becoming our thing. We talked about a lot of things. I gave her my sauce and she wanted to eat it right then and there. She is too funny.

We didn’t talk about my suicidality, but we did talk about how my pain and the voices are contributing to it. I still need to page my psychiatrist so I can get some more trilafon. She encouraged me to page her though I am a little hesitant as it’s not an “emergency”. I just emailed her again. If I don’t get a response, I will page her tomorrow. I still have enough to last me the week.

My therapist doesn’t want me to kill myself in September because it’s a special month for her. I suppose I could wait till October. The weather is bound to be cooler then and maybe I can get some kind of suicide note out of the way. It will give me time to think of what I want to do with my stuff. I think it’s unfair that I am made to wait a month when I want to end my life so badly. She just doesn’t get how miserable I am.

I talked about the psychologist that was being a jerk to me yesterday. I explained what his thoughts were and she agreed with me that he was being an idiot. I don’t know why I follow him. Just for a laugh, I suppose.

We also talked about my other friend on Twitter. She asked if I met him yet. I told her no and I am not so sure I want to meet him because he is a therapist. He is a little looney but that is okay. I find him interesting and funny. I guess I don’t want to be disappointed with seeing him in real life versus what I imagine him to be like.

It’s funny that we kind of talked in circles all through out our session. Not really focusing on any issues. She did ask about my pain and I told her the situation with my pain meds. I have technically 9 days of meds and I don’t get a refill for 14. This is because I have had to increase the meds to get relief. I am no longer taking 1 pills at a time. I think I am taking around 6 pills a day when I am allotted only 4. That is when I am having a bad day. Lately, I haven’t had that much pain so I think it will even out. But I can’t control flare ups. I guess if I do have another flare, I will have to take the strong pills and risk my bowels being shut off for a few days, despite taking senna. It’s all the give and take of the pain syndrome. All the more reason why I rather kill myself now while I can possibly walk to my destination than not.

The drive there wasn’t too bad and I made it on time back. I didn’t hit traffic and listened to country tunes the whole way singing along. It was fun driving. I am glad I don’t have a car for daily use as traffic annoys me.

Just got a response from my psych about my meds: “yes”. I don’t know what that means. I hope it means she will call it in. Why do docs have to be so damn cryptic?

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Daily Word Prompt: Expert

Expert

This is today’s Daily Prompt word. I have been thinking this over the last half hour or so, trying to come up with something. Everyone is an expert in something or other. Whether it be in healthcare, mental health, computers, banking, etc. Someone is always good at the one thing another is not.

I recently am having an argument with a psychologist about stigma. He proposes that there should be check ups with psychologists for adolescents. It’s a great idea but I asked, who was going to pay for it and second what about the stigma. His response was typical, obviously insurance companies and how can there be stigma for a check up? UM, we are not talking a check up for a medical professional. We are talking about psych check ups and that is a different ballgame. I know because I have experienced it first hand with a family member who has OCD. Her parents don’t think she should be in treatment because they have different views on the matter. The father doesn’t think there is anything wrong and the mother knows there is something wrong. It is so frustrating to see this happening to someone I love and care about. So yes, stigma will be an issue because the parent will say “my kid isn’t crazy so therefore doesn’t need a check up by a psychologist or other mental health professional”.

I know this guy thinks he is the “expert” here but from my experience, I think I know what I am talking about. I went through it when I was a teen. After I cut my wrist and the school nurse found out about it, I basically had to “lie” to a counselor to avoid therapy because I certainly wasn’t “crazy” enough for it. Yes, I wanted to end my life but I wasn’t about to divulge that information with my mother standing outside the door. If my mother was more accepting of my mental health issues, maybe things would have been different. But she thought that I should go to her with my problems so not to get professional help. Yea, cause you did that when I was 10 and told you I wanted to end my life then. Sorry you lost my trust and you never got it back. But I digress…

The new thing in the mental health field is “lived experience”. Basically, it goes on the assumption that the client/patient is the expert on his/her condition and therefore should have a say in treatment matters. I am lucky that I have always had professionals that sought out my input on what to do for my condition, especially my mental health issues. If they were to be the “experts” and I was just to stand by and let them dictate what they thought I should be doing, I would be pushing up daisies right now. For me, there has to be an equal give and take or it’s just not going to work.

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Sunday Blog 18

Sunday Blog 18

I put away all the yummy sauce that I made last night and then made a bowl of pasta for lunch. The sauce came out pretty good. Then I took a nap before washing all the pots and dishes. My back is not feeling right since standing for so long making everything. I was going to go to BPD chat but I really can’t sit because of my back. I really want to lie down again. I am still full from eating two bowls of pasta. I just had a nectarine because I wanted something sweet. I figured that would be better than Oreos.

Baseball game isn’t on till 8. It was supposed to be a day game but ESPN pick it up so now it’s a night game. I don’t mind. I slept most of the afternoon anyways so I would have missed it. I guess the Benadryl I took last night really hung me over. I am so sleepy.

My therapist is back from vacation this week. I have some sauce for her. I plan on giving it to her on Tuesday when I see her. I am a little apprehensive about seeing her. It’s been two weeks since we last talked. I have been texting her sporadically over that time. I wrote her letters while she was away about my moods and suicidality. I don’t know if she will read them or not. It was something to do while I was missing her and what I couldn’t fit into a text message.

All day my bowels have been spazzing on me. I don’t know why. I have gone to the bathroom twice and haven’t really had anything to eat that I think would make it upset. I just feel uncomfortable and I don’t like it. I still been sneezing like crazy. I woke up with a headache and now it seems to be coming back. I am not sure if it’s a migraine or not. I just know my head hurts. Another reason for me to sleep.

This week is not supposed to be 90 degree weather but it is going to be in the 80s. I don’t know if the humidity is going to be up or down. The only day that the temp is not going to be above 85 is Tuesday, when I go see my therapist. I hope my back is better by then or driving that long distance might be a problem for me. I got to remember to get coffee before I leave Boston. Last time I was practically at her office when I realized I didn’t have coffee. It sucked. Luckily, I know where there is a Starbucks so I went to my spot.

I bought burgers when I bought the ground beef for the sauce. I haven’t made them because I haven’t been in a mood for burgers so I froze some of them today. I plan on making them for my dinner tonight, if I get hungry. I have the house to myself because my mother went to a Christening. I was supposed to go but I couldn’t trust my ankle. It’s still bothering me from all the cooking I did last night and my back is being a pain now so I am glad I didn’t go. It’s nice to finally have the house to myself for a couple of hours. I don’t have to worry so much about my mother getting ill. It’s such a worry all the time. Thankfully she hasn’t had an episode since the beginning of July and she has been taking good care of herself with the new insulin regimen. She hasn’t been below 100 since coming home, which is good.

I wish I didn’t eat all my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in one sitting the other night. I only wanted a little, like half a pint. But I ended up eating the whole pint. It was good but now I want some ice cream and I don’t have it. I would go to Walgreens and get some but I don’t feel like paying $6 for it. I am not that desperate for it. One of my Twitter buddies was going on and on about making gelato at home with lemon. He is really funny when he talks about cooking. Cracks me up. His partner asked if they could go out for ice cream and he said that was grounds for divorce. He is funny. My friend likes making stuff at home. I guess it’s better than going out. I know I am saving money on my burgers because a pack of 8 cost $8 whereas buying a burger from my favorite place is $10, just for one stinking burger, not including onion rings and a drink. And when I make the burger tonight, I will have a choice of cheeses, Swiss, cheddar, or American. I didn’t buy avocados this time. I am the only one that likes it and I had to waste a half because it went bad the last time I did buy it. I made a mean burger with it, much better than my favorite place. Only difference was there was no bacon, but I can live without. I have never really made bacon for burgers at home. Too much of clean up afterwards. I hate clean up.

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Saturday Blog 62

Saturday Blog 62

I made sliders for dinner. After dinner I was bored so I made sauce. And I am watching the baseball game while it cooks. I made it cook for three hours. It’s nice and thick and smells so yummy. My mother said I should have made a bowl of it. But the bread we have was not fresh and I hate eating stale bread. I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday when I see her, that is if my family doesn’t eat it all before then. Last time it went quick and I barely had any left over. But I made a small batch. This time I used 3 cans of tomatoes so it should last a while. I am proud of myself. Making sauce makes me happy because it’s something that I am good at.

After the blog I wrote this morning, I went back to sleep. I woke up around 1 and made some coffee. I thought my mother made both bags of cauliflower last night but she only made 1. So I made the cauliflower. I had some while the biscuits were cooking for the sliders. I then had some more while the biscuits were cooling. I love cauliflower. I can eat it plain, which is typically how I like it.

The baseball game is still going on but I had to get off my foot. I have been sneezing all day because the pollen count is high. I dared to take a shower between innings. Now my ankle and food are mad at me. I am tired so I will be going to bed soon. Next week starts college football and I can’t wait. Luckily Nebraska and OSU are at different times so I can watch both of them. I forget which is the afternoon game and which is the evening game.

I didn’t change my sheets today. I will try again tomorrow. I tried to clear off my bed but didn’t make too much headway with it. The sauce and baseball game kind of took over. I did a lot of cooking today which is why my ankle is hurting me. I am sure tomorrow it will hurt some more. I had to wash my feet because they were black as the ace of spades. I never wear socks or sandals on my feet in the house during the summer time. But they were really dirty as I haven’t take a shower in a few days so I washed them with a facecloth before my shower. My mother yells at me as I leave the dirt on the shower floor. I then have to clean it up but my back was killing me because of cooking and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted most of the dirt off so I can shower without cleaning it. After I showered, I did put on sandals so my feet didn’t get dirty again. By that time, the sauce was done cooking and I could go upstairs to my freezing room. I was having another sneeze attack as I was climbing the stairs. My mother heard me and asked me if I take anything for the pollen. I said I did so I took some Benadryl with the Allegra. I will be sleeping good tonight.

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Too Early to be in a bad mood

Too early to be in a bad mood

I woke up in a bad mood. I am trying not to let it get to me but it’s so difficult. I didn’t have any bad dreams nor am I in a lot of pain. My mood just sucks. I think it is because I emailed my psychiatrist last night and she hasn’t responded. It really makes me angry when she doesn’t say anything when I email her. Even one word and I would be happy because it would acknowledge that she got the email.

I plan on changing my sheets today. I was going to make sauce but decided that changing my sheets were more important. I am in too much of a mood to go downstairs and be with my mother. I really want to make pancakes for breakfast but my mother is still home. She usually leaves around 0930 to go to my aunt’s house. If I am still awake I will make them. I took some pain pills so I can do what I have to do today. My ankle is starting to throb so I just decided to head it off before it got worse. It gets worse and I won’t be able to do anything today that I want to do.

I still am feeling sad over the loss of my father. I guess that is one of the reason I am not in a good mood this morning. I got him on my brain. It is really tough to lose a parent, especially one that has caused you so much turmoil in your life. On one hand, you are grateful you don’t have to deal with his idiocy anymore but at the same time, you miss it. I remember at the last gathering we had, maybe Christmas, he was being a real jerk to me. Kept on making fun of me and what I was gathering on my plate. I didn’t have that much food on it but he thought I shouldn’t be eating that much. He was being such an ass. I hated him. He always treated me like I was doing something bad. I will never forget his laugh because he thought he was being funny. People have been telling me to remember the good memories and I laugh. There are no good memories with him. Only bad ones, some worse than others. He was never a kind, loving man. That is why this is so difficult. I never got the chance to tell him off, not that I would. I tolerated him because it was expected of me. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t see him for the rest of his days. Instead, I was there for the very last breath he took and it still haunts me till this day.

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