this is me trying

This is me trying

I’ve had a boring day. I missed seeing the visiting nurse this morning because I couldn’t wake up. My med alarm went off and I promptly went back to sleep. I slept through the nurse’s calls. Oh well. I got up around noon and had two cups of coffee and leftover pizza. The coffee did nothing for my energy levels.

I called the surgeon’s office. My top surgery is scheduled for March 28! I am so damn excited. It is finally going to happen. Now I just got to stay healthy for it to go through. I see the surgeon the beginning of March for formalities and will have the anesthesia call that afternoon. I still haven’t told my other sister and mother about the surgery. I think I will do that when the time is nearer. I just hope I can still be independent and not need a nurse to come to the house.

I got into an argument with my baby sister today. She called me to see how I was doing and I told her. She asked if I made any progress with my room and I said I am slowly working on it. I still have to make room for my AC as my sisters threw my stuff into the space I put it. I told her this and then she is like do this and that and this and this. I got mad and was like one thing at a time. She then got mad at me and said I was quick to anger. Then she hung up on me. Whatever. She does this all the time and doesn’t see it as a problem. She always adds things to one thing that can be done like it all needs to get done at once. So I just tried to take a nap but couldn’t because my damn bladder kept needing to be emptied.

I messaged my pcp about my pulse rate being high. Basically the response I got back was to live with it. It makes me fucking anxious when my pulse is high and I have palpitations. Eventually the rate goes down but by then I am a nervous wreck. Doesn’t help that every time I go up the stairs my heart pounds in my chest. I get so out of breath also. It sucks. I am so deconditioned it’s not funny. I don’t start PT until the week before Christmas.

I’ve decided to go back to reading a history book. I love reading about the colonial period to the end of the Civil War. The book I am going to start reading is on the American Revolution and how American got started. It’s been a long time since I read a history book. I was going to read about the Civil War but I don’t know what I did with the books or where they are. I would like to read Lincoln’s Melancholy again. The book is buried right now so I can’t get it but maybe I will if I am able to clear out some space for things. I only have so much space to move things.

difficult night sleeping

Difficult night sleeping

I had a difficult night sleeping last night. I was plagued with memories of the past three months and it was troubling because the memories were not real. They were just figments of my imagination but I thought they were real. I eventually settled down and fell asleep around 2am. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I slept until my bladder needed to be emptied. My aunt came over and so I had coffee with her and my mother. It was a good time. My aunt was loud and made jokes about things.

I got a call from the surgeon’s office late afternoon yesterday. I am so fricken excited. I got to return the call tomorrow because the lady isn’t there today. My surgery is going to happen and I cannot fricken wait. I have been looking forward to this surgery since I was thirteen. I can’t believe this is going to finally happen.

I ordered pizza for lunch. My sister wanted me to have pizza for dinner. I passed. I still have half a box left, which will be my lunch tomorrow.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist about the upcoming surgery. I just asked if it is going to be ok for me to undergo anesthesia and not become catatonic again. It was a really freaky experience I don’t want to relive.

I took a shower today. It made me so damn tired. I am still fighting sleep. It will be bed time soon enough. I will be taking my night meds shortly. I will probably listen to someday by Rob Thomas for the millionth time tonight. It is my favorite song and still gives me the feels every time I listen to it. I miss baseball so much.

a burger and a coke

A burger and a coke

I wasn’t planning on having anything but Ensure today but I have been craving a burger so I got it today. It was good. I listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I ate it. I had planned on mailing a somethings but I still have not left the house. I got the fuck its bad today. I just want to stay in bed all day. My new razor came today. I am on the fence on shaving now. I don’t know if I want to grow my beard or shave. It is a good length right now so I really don’t want to mess with it. I’ll let it grow some more then decide.

I had therapy this morning. We talked about DBT skills and DBT itself. We went over the STOP skill. She showed me a video on it. It was a cute video and really animated how to use the STOP skill. STOP stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed. I think I can use it when I have the distress feelings like I did last night.

The surgeon’s office called today. Figures the one time I don’t take my phone to the bathroom I get an important phone call! I need to callback Wed as she is out tomorrow. UGH. It is going to happen! I cannot fricken wait! I am so damn excited.

I need to take a shower because I don’t know when the last time I took one and I stink. I think I will take it before bed, right before I am to take my night meds. I bought some more face wash as someone keeps using my stuff. I found my shaving cream in the shower. I haven’t used it in three months so it wasn’t me that put it there. I still am missing my fusion razor. I am pissed it is missing because I had a Patriots handle. The new razor is the latest line in the Gillette series called Labs. We’ll see how good it is.

I finished the Linehan memoir last night. The last three chapters were a breeze. Now I am debating should I go back to Dune or should I read some more suicidology books. I do have another memoir to read that I bought that is psych related. A psychiatry resident wrote about his first year. It wouldn’t be the first time I read a book like this. House of God was similar.

I sent my pcp my blood pressure readings for the week. They have been high and my pulse has been high as well. I also asked them how to go about changing my sex legally as my birth certificate is basically wrong. I had to renew my license and because they now have a “REAL ID”, I had to use it as a legal thing. I still haven’t gotten anything from the RMV about a date going to get my ID. I hope it is before my license expires. All these fucking little quirks to just be who I am.

Sunday Musings

Sunday musings

I am still reading Linehan’s memoir. I am learning more about DBT this second go round than I did the first time I read it. I seem to be more accepting of DBT as I am realizing that there is evidence DBT works with highly suicidal individuals. The trouble is, it take a lot of work as there is so much to learn. The two takeaways I am getting from this second reading is the two skills radical acceptance and STOP. STOP stands for stop, take a step back, observe, proceed carefully. I am finding I need to practice this skill as otherwise I get angry and nothing gets accomplished. I also need to radically accept that I have depression and trauma issues.

I woke up late this morning. I didn’t get up till after 12. I kept getting severe headaches, like migraines. They would go away if I just stayed still. It happened three times after my alarm went off to take my morning meds. I thought I would have to take a migraine medication to get rid of it but it seems to have gone away on its own. I had started getting these kinds of headaches while in the hospital. I thought they had gone away but the last two nights they have come back.

My cousin texted me this morning saying that Ohio State has made it to the playoffs and they are playing Georgia. That is going to be a tough matchup. Georgia just won yesterday. They killed LSU by a big number. This is what I love about college football games, they score big numbers.

I am thinking about mailing out a card that I wrote out and then getting pizza for my late lunch/early dinner. Problem is that I have no energy to get moving and I know if I force myself to do it, I will have to take a lot of breaks to go around the block. I found my sunglasses but I still am unable to find my transition glasses. I have no idea where they went to. I know if I find the case, I will find them. I hate when I misplace things. It drives me crazy.

I miss baseball. It doesn’t look like the Sox are going to sign Xander Bogaerts. I just hope he doesn’t end up on the Yankees. I still don’t know if JBJ is still with the team. I watched a baseball game while I was in the hospital and he was playing for the Blue Jays. I don’t know if this is true or not. I will be sad if it is. I have no clue how the season ended because I was so sick in the hospital.

Yesterday, I listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. Today I am listening to Rob Thomas’s Someday on repeat. I love this song so much.

I am feeling suicidal. Nothing really happened in the last half hour or so. I just feel like ending my life. I see no good in it. I have imagined how I would do it two different ways. I won’t act on it, though I do want to. I just don’t want to end up back in the hospital. There is no guarantee I will end up back on the same unit I was in. I could end up somewhere else. That keeps me from going to the ER. I know I spent a few days in the psych ER before I was transferred to the unit I was in. I don’t know how long I was there as I wasn’t myself. I was in a confused state. I don’t remember if I had my phone or not. If I did, I know I wasn’t using it. I was much too paranoid about it. I am working through the feelings of distress I am feeling. I am distracting myself by writing about them. I have therapy tomorrow and will tell my therapist about this. I want to die so bad that it is almost like nothing else matters to me, not even top surgery. I have hit a new low in my life. I try to keep telling myself life will be different when I have the surgery but will it? I thought about going back to college while in the hospital after I recovered from surgery. It seems impossible right now but I want to make an effort in the next couple of years to earning my degree. I want to finish it at UMass Boston. Trying to make goals helps defend against the darkness, least for a little while.

I am feeling worthless right now. My psychache is high. I am a little perturbed and my press is at least a three. I spoke how I wrote the book Darkness Always Wins while I was in the hospital. I was and still am in a dark place. I don’t know if I am going to recover from this episode of depression. Meds have made little improvement to how I feel. I know realistically, it could be a year or more before I recover. It is the way recurrent depression is. I don’t buy that I have bipolar disorder. My depressions are too dark and stay dark for periods that are much more similar to major depression. I really think I am misdiagnosed. Fortunately, the treatment is the same: antidepressant therapy. I need to take an antipsychotic because I am prone to hearing voices otherwise. I have done well with Latuda, though it is causing some dystonia for me.

I just read a blog that I wrote a more than a few years ago about Shneidman’s psychache theory. I was trying to think about it while in the hospital. I remembered the three P’s, press, perturbation, and psychache. A 5-5-5 indicates imminent suicide. I was a 5-5-5 in the hospital at times. I tried to remember the psychache scale by Ronald Holden. I couldn’t remember his name or if I had it on my blog for staff to look up. My memory has been so much affected by what I have been through.

I had dinner with my family tonight. It helped a little being around them but at one point I wanted to tell my sister I needed to go back to the hospital. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her though so I kept quiet. I will talk more about this with my therapist tomorrow morning. I really feel like shit. It is like the song going down in flames, “Falling into this, again.”