Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

I had my coffee when I woke up this morning. My mother had woken me up earlier than I would have liked as she wanted to know if I was going out or not. I wasn’t as I needed a day’s rest from yesterday’s activities. Plus I didn’t get to sleep until after 0200 so I was pretty tired. When I came back to my room, I started reading Norse Mythology. There was one chapter that actually made me laugh. I am so enjoying this book. I read until I got really hungry at 1430. I had bought some Fenway Franks and I was dying to make them. I fried them up. They were so good.

After lunch, I just played on my laptop checking email, Twitter, and Facebook. I got an email from one of the facilitators of the course I will be taking Friday. It was just a greeting and to see if anyone had any questions. I was telling my mother and she asked why wasn’t I posting on Facebook. I said I was but it’s a small group of friends that want my book and I don’t want to keep posting the same message over and over again. And with Twitter, I have to be really creative to get a message with hashtags in 140 characters. I am not a creative person. I am toying with the idea of getting postcards made and handing them out at the Square or Harvard to see if that pulls any sales. I know they will end up more in the trash than anything but you never know. Lots of people have mental illness that they don’t share or are interested in stories about it.

My pain had been minimal till I was cooking the dogs. I swear I can’t cook anything without my ankle flaring up. It’s nice out so my mother has the back door open. I couldn’t believe it when I went downstairs. It really is a nice day. I haven’t gone out because it’s sunny and reading in the sun is difficult, even with sunglasses.

Well, my laptop almost got kicked to the ceiling. I started getting foot zaps and they were so painful. It felt like someone or something was biting me. I checked to make sure there wasn’t a bug under my covers but nope, nothing and no marks on my foot. Just fucking nerve pain fucking with me. There is nothing you can do when this happens, just wait it out. It is extremely painful. I rather have constant burning pain than zaps any day and twice on Sunday. Least I know my trusty Neurontin will take care of it in no time. My leg was doing it’s twitching thing before the zaps started so I had to take an Ativan. Now I am feeling sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two before I snooze so I will end here. Will write more later if I am up to it.

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Reading and other things on my mind

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

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hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

Hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

I woke up with energy for the first time in months. I needed a coffee so I made some and that really energized me. I went to the post office only to be turned down because their network was down and couldn’t do anything except sell stamps. So I walked back home with my packages. I was getting really antsy and was in a really good mood. I didn’t think anything of it.

I patiently waited for the next bus to come but I couldn’t sit still. I went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription and then waited at the bus stop. The pharmacy didn’t have a line so I was in and out. The next bus wasn’t for another half hour. The weather was warm so I didn’t mind waiting the half hour. I was in shorts. In February! It reached the highest temp on record today of 74 degrees. I was feeling really good and felt like I could walk to the Square but I didn’t. The bus came and I went to Starbucks.

I had something to eat and 4 shots of espresso. I figured that it would slow me down. Nope, it just sped me up. Holy fucking shit I was in a hypomanic state! I started writing in my journal. I still had about an hour and a half before I had to leave for my psych appointment. There was a guy that was on his phone while his laptop was on. He was playing some kind of game and he was just making me nervous because he kept popping up and down, while drinking his coffee. And I was the manic one…yea okay. As I was writing and playing on my phone checking Twitter, the time passed and I went to leave. I didn’t finish the espresso. I was so wired I could fly.

I got my monthly T-pass and got on the train. I didn’t have to wait as one was pulling in the station as I got to the platform. I tried to rest while I was on the train but that wasn’t happening. My eyes felt like they had toothpicks in them to keep them open. I was so fucking wired. I couldn’t wait to get off my stop. I still had a few minutes before my appointment so I went to the bathroom. The handicapped stall was taken so I had to use the regular stalls. I hate them because they are so tiny. If they just made them a little bigger, you might not feel so claustrophobic. After I did my business, I went to my appointment. I had to wait for my psych, who always runs late. Today she wasn’t too bad. I was glad because there was a kid having a meltdown in the office waiting area and I didn’t want to see what happened next.

I told my psych that I felt good and was probably hypomanic. I told her it’s most likely a 24-48 hour thing. Very rarely it goes beyond that for me. She wants me to let her know how my sleep is and stuff or if I get worse. I jokingly asked her if she wanted my credit cards to hold. She said I wasn’t a spender (which I am not). I did buy another book though on the ride home. I won’t be seeing her next week because I have a class that I am taking on promoting your book. She wants me to call her. Here I was thinking I could get away from her for a week and then she wants me to call her. Dammit. We made an appointment for the week after.

She had asked about therapy and I told her the therapist that I have been leaving messages to hasn’t returned my calls or emails. So she is going to look for someone for me. If it doesn’t work out, I guess I will call the referral line that I did today and see if I can get someone mediocre.

I called my mother to see if she needed anything at Walgreens. She wanted me to get her prescription and some black pepper that was on sale. I told her she can make whatever she wanted for dinner as I bought a burrito. As I was walking to the store, an old lady in a boat sized car blocked the crosswalk so I had to walk around the car. The street was filled with potholes and I missed one with my bad foot. My ankle didn’t like that at all. There was a little bit of a wait at the pharmacy and then I had to hunt down the pepper my mother wanted. My ankle was fucking screaming at this point. I still felt good despite the pain, which is weird because pain usually brings me down. Even now as I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in I am feeling pretty upbeat. Thank you hypomania. My ankle has warned me that I wasn’t doing anything the rest of the day. When I said that to my mother, she quipped, “you don’t do anything anyways”. Thanks, ma. That got me really angry and you don’t want to anger a manic person. I still am ticked off about it. Next time she can get her own damn black pepper and prescription!

I really hope that I can stay in my room and not do too much standing, walking or use the stairs unless I need to go to the bathroom. I also told my psych that I haven’t had a BM since Mon or Tues. She was shocked. I told her it’s because of the strong pain pill, which I hope not to take today but I might have to if the regular pain meds don’t work. She asked what do I do to go and I said I take fiber pills and senna when I know I am not going out. So this weekend, that is what I will be doing until I go. I also take magnesium to help with the spasms and bowels. I had styled my hair today as I got a haircut the other day. My psych said it looks good. That’s good because I felt naked most of the day without wearing my hat! It just is weird because I always wear it whenever I am out so it felt really funny without it.

Today was the start of spring training. I need to get my Sox hats out. I also need to get a new one. It’s been more than 10 years since I last bought a Sox hat, not that my hats are falling apart or anything but I just would like something new. I lost my favorite Sox hat a couple years ago while I was at my cousin’s house. She wasn’t able to find it. I loved that hat.

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lots of do nothings today

Lots of do nothings today

I woke up at a decent hour. I thought my mother would leave the house so I could make pancakes undisturbed but she was watching my niece. I was in minimal pain but decided to rest it as I knew when my groceries came later this evening, it would be stressed.

I tried to rest but I kept getting alerts on my phone. It was annoying. I just ended up playing with my phone. I did catch a nap a couple of hours before the groceries came so that was good. I really didn’t do anything except empty my recycles.

I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. No one called me today so I might have to call next week. Tomorrow I see my psych and I know I am going to be tired when I come home. I have to get up early. I think I will catch the 0850 bus so I am not too early.

I wanted to read today but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I brought up my Kindle so I could charge it and maybe read some Dostoevsky. I have 2 books left in the book overall plus three chapters of the epilogue. When I am done, I am not opening this book again for a good few years! It’s a collection of his books in one Kindle book. I thought I would be able to get through it but it’s taken more time than I thought. I was hoping to get through some of it this month but that didn’t happen.

My groceries came and everything I ordered was delivered. I forgot I had ordered cheesecake so that was a surprise to me. I can have that later if my sweet tooth calls. I am really tired and I just want to take my meds and go to sleep.

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Better Man

Better Man

This song is by Little Big Town. The song speaks to me. It reminds me so much of my deceased father. I have been listening to it on repeat for the last half hour. It is written by Taylor Swift. I love this song so much.

I am in a lot of pain right now, physical pain. My ankle is going berserk on me. I think I did too much and now I am paying the price. I feel tired but my PTSD anxiety has kicked in so I can’t rest. I am waiting for the Ativan to kick in so I can relax. I am also hoping music will help. It worked before, though I was listening to a new radio station that I found. But I like it when I have songs on repeat. It calms me down.

To my blog reader Mari, thank you for finding the Vaseline advanced therapy lip balm. The order finally came in and I am using it tonight. I hope it works and heals my lips. I wasn’t able to find it in the store anywhere so Amazon was a good find!

Another day has come and gone and still no word from that therapist I left messages to. I think it’s awful that she hasn’t returned my phone calls. Some kind of professional she is. So I am again left without a therapist. For the third week in a row. I have my psychiatrist but we don’t do therapy. We just talk about things. She is trying to help me. But I feel like I am too much for her. I have been keeping in contact via emails. But lately, if I don’t answer her emails, she will call and check on me.

I want to read the latest Neil Gaiman book, Norse Mythology. But I am so drugged right now that I don’t think I can read. I just want to sleep. I was thinking tonight that I find it funny that I am using my Maya Calendar bookmark for the book. In a Norse book. Maybe it’s just the meds that I find this funny. I was going to tweet it but I don’t think I can keep it under 140 characters. I will try some other time when my head is a little clearer.

I changed songs to Sober Saturday Night by Chris Young. It’s the kind of song that has me thinking of my therapist. Lots of good new tunes that are striking a cord with me. Anything to help me heal from losing my therapist would be helpful right now. It still hurts a lot not having her in my life. Last week when I was with my psych, I started crying about her. I tried to contain myself but the hurt came out. I couldn’t help it. She was a big part of my life and now she is gone and I have no one to help process this besides my psychiatrist. One day I will blog about it. But that isn’t today. It isn’t now.

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