midnightdemons7

Sunday Blues 05072026

I have been feeling down most of the day. Last night I was in a dark place again. I felt like I was being pulled underwater. I just couldn’t stay afloat. I had some suicidal thoughts. I didn’t act or plan. I tried listening to music but I really just wanted to sleep. The sox were winning. They are on the west coast so it has been hard to keep up with the game when all I want to do is go to bed. I am getting bored with social media though today, finally, I saw Taylor’s wedding dress with Travis. All the pics I have been seeing have only been of her in different dresses.

My CRPS foot has been hurting me all day. The fan air hit it this morning and you would think it was a fucking hammer hitting my bones. The pain drives me crazy. Now that it is close to bed time, I took a pain med.

I cleaned up my bed some. It is a mess again. But all the recycled is picked up. I just need to bring the bag to the bin. I need to be better about bringing it down rather than have it pile up. I did my meds for the week. I need to pay attention to what I am taking. It is too early right now to take my night meds. Too early for the game so I am going to read my book for a bit. I thought it was boring but it is getting interesting. I am kind of liking it. I can’t figure out if it is British or Australian.

I didn’t sleep very well last night because of the fireworks. Some idiots were firing them off well past midnight. I shut the AC off and that just made the noise louder. I slept a couple of hours in the late morning. I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t think I am going to meet twice this week. There is nothing really to discuss the second meeting as things don’t change that much. Only other appt this week is neuro for a cognitive test. Of course it is supposed to be 90 that day.

I want ice cream. I wonder if my bitch sister had the last ice cream sandwich I bought…

July 4^th, America’s 250^th birthday

It was a hot day today. The puppy wanted to stay outside but it was way too hot for her. She’d bark when she got inside. She didn’t want to stay in her room where it was cool. I tried staying with her but every noise made her jump up and run to the stairs or back door.

I went downstairs as my niece said there was food. I had a burger and some tonic. I stayed out until I couldn’t stand the heat anymore. I was shirtless. I had taken a shower because I had a blow out. Damn bowels. I screwed up with my meds. I don’t know what happened to Sat’s meds. They aren’t in their box. I never took my meds Tues night. I took the Latuda but I didn’t take the rest of the meds. I don’t know why I am getting bad at taking my meds lately. I keep screwing up.

I feel really bad I had the blow out. I was a complete mess. It totally destroyed my self-esteem. I was doing well for a while. But I got a bad bout of constipation and needed to take miralax. I always get loose stools when I take it and I have no control over them when it happens. All because of the nerve damage from my back.

My cousin is going to clean up my neck and beard tomorrow. I am glad because I just can’t seem to do it myself. I need to cut my hair again so I can shave it. I miss being smooth bald. Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I started reading the book I borrowed from the library. I thought it was boring but I got interested in it. I read a few chapters and then by like 1am I had to call it quits, but then my niece messaged me she was coming home so I was up for a little bit longer. Then I had to pee. I had weird dreams last night. One was about swimming pools. Given the heat, I am not surprised I am dreaming about them. I miss having access to one. Public pools were awesome. There is one down the street from me. I just can’t walk there and back. It is a little too far from my walking distance. I think it is like a half a mile away from me. There is a bus that goes by but I don’t want to be wet and take the bus afterwards.

2^nd day of heatwave

Today was much hotter than yesterday. My poor pup wanted to go outside. I let her out for a few minutes and then called her back in. She just wanted to lay in the sun but it was too hot for her.

I woke up several times during the night to pee. I was annoyed. Each time it felt like my bladder was going to burst. I wouldn’t mind if I had been drinking but I wasn’t. Stupid bladder. I got up around 11 and had coffee. I wasn’t really hungry. Or at least, what I wanted (corn muffin) I didn’t have.

The puppy was active today as she didn’t stay in her room too much. She really wanted to stay on the porch. I felt so bad that she couldn’t be outside. We cuddled and played for a bit. I had my call with my DMH case worker. Honey was curious as there was a voice coming from my phone. It was too funny. After the meeting, I had lunch. Then I took a nap. I put some music on and just fell asleep. First time I took a nap in ages. Puppy was at my feet or lying near me the whole time.

I woke up when my sister came home from work. She was so loud I got a headache. Needless to say, I never showered today. I am back taking the Robaxin tablets for the spasms in my back. It seems to be helping. I hate that I have to take it around the clock though in order for it to work. I have my alarm set for it.