every little thing

Every little thing

Having a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. What a surprise. I stayed up till the Neurontin knocked me out around 0700. I took my morning meds so the alarm wouldn’t wake me in two hours. I was having a weird dream. I was in the Oval Office with the Orange Buffoon and the Charmed Ones. Piper used an axe to cut his head off while there was a cabinet meeting going on. I walked to the basement of some sort and then woke up, shaking my head.

I had woken up to the sound of my med alarm going off for my pain meds. I was still in pain but in a Neurontin fog. I needed espresso and I was going to get some. I took a shower, which my ankle enjoyed (NOT). I was feeling so depressed and suicidal because this is the 4th day in a row of suicidally intense pain. The pain was kind of lower than it had been after I took the extra dose of Neurontin so I figure getting espresso would be a risk worth taking. Plus I wanted to get burgers for supper.

I timed the shower and the bus schedule just right. I rested a few minutes after my shower to get dressed to catch the bus. It came within 9 minutes. The bus was mostly empty so I think that was why it was so fast. Usually I have to wait 10-15 minutes when it leaves the station. I brought my own cup for the espresso. I am trying to go green this year so I plan on bringing a mug or cup with me for my Starbucks drinks, if I am able to remember. It’s a work in progress so I can’t do the mobile ordering for now.

I couldn’t stay seated after I had my sandwich and some of the espresso. I kept looking at things to buy. They had my coffee, Casi Cielo back. I will get that next week. I also looked at some French presses. They had a really nice one but it was $50. I will get the $20. They also had a nice mug and am thinking of getting it next week. The mug was 16 oz, which is their grande size. I usually like the venti, which is 20 oz. I had bought a nice 20 oz stainless steel thermal mug that I absolutely love but having a smaller size would be nice. It was on clearance for like $10 so I might get it if they still have it. They didn’t have the French press mug that I saw. I tried to find it online but I think the Starbucks store is closed and you can only get it at the locations. I might have to go around as different locations have different stuff. I found they had the straws for my cup so I got that. Those are hard to find so I am glad they had them.

I wrote about one page in my journal before it was time to go to the butchers to get the burgers. I like getting it from there rather than Stop and Shop because it is fresher. They had ground beef on sale but you had to buy like 3-4 pounds for the deal. I didn’t need that much meat. I looked at the steaks as I haven’t had one in a while. I wanted a bones Angus one but they didn’t have it so I got a London broil. It was a huge piece. I asked my mother if she wanted some for supper tomorrow night or if she wanted me to freeze half of it. She doesn’t usually like steak. She said she wanted it and I could tenderize it with the hammer. OK, whatever. I’ll figure that out tomorrow.

Came home and was minding my own business while my pain went berserk on me. I took a strong pain pill and then because the pain was so intense, I got an anxiety attack. So I took some Ativan. About a half hour later I hear someone scream at the top of their lungs my mother’s name. It was my psycho aunt. She literally made me jump and I didn’t know if my mother was sick or what. My mother was thankfully okay and the fucking idiot was just yelling to let her know she was here. Fucking pissed me off. The idiot locked all the doors as she came up the stairs and guess who had to go back down to unlock them?? Not like my foot hurt or anything. Damn bitch. She was talking so damn loud the whole time she was here for like 2 hours or so I could swear the neighbors could hear her. It was getting on my nerves so I put some music on. Then the visiting nurse came for my mother. Even in her “normal” voice I could hear my aunt as she talked to the nurse, in my room with the door closed! Like nails on chalk board. I couldn’t wait for the nurse to leave so I could make the burgers. I was getting hungry.

The nurse left and within a few minutes, so did my loud mouth aunt. Burger time! I made two for myself and one for my mother. I have one patty left. I will have that for lunch tomorrow. Burgers were good. I loaded mine up with pickles, cheese, and mustard, the three things I love on a burger. I was very tired after I cooked and finished eating. I think the meds made me tired. Hopefully tonight I will sleep through and won’t wake up between 3 and 6 am.

The weekly special papers came, There are some sales my mother wants. I told her I would go to Market Basket tomorrow. She wants some chuck steak as it’s on sale. If I get it, I won’t get the eggs because they might break on the ride home. I will be traveling by T. I am sure the supermarket will be jammed packed as it will be Saturday. I’ll try to go in the morning so there will be less people, hopefully. Only thing that sucks is the return ride home. I will have to go to the Square to catch the bus home. Oh well. It will be an adventure. I am going to check the price of a few items I get through my online shopping. On some of the items I regularly get, the price has gone up by 20 cents. If Market Basket has it for a lower price, I will get it there next week, even though that means lugging it on the T.

I’ve read four chapters in my baseball history book this week. I have five chapters left. I hope to read another three this weekend. I am finding that if I read after my blog or before I want to sleep, I can get one chapter done. I am making notes along the way as well as using the stopwatch feature on my phone to time how long it takes me to finish a chapter. It takes me about an hour and a half to read just one chapter as they are so long. It is fun though. I am laughing because the Skankees haven’t been formed as of yet and Boston has as of 1871, though they weren’t the Red Sox. They were called different names but started out as the Red Stockings. The oldest team still in existence is the Cincinnati Reds, who were also called the Red Stockings in 1869. I am learning a lot as I read along. It is the first book that I have enjoyed since reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. If I keep up the reading, I should be finished with it sometime next week. It will be my first book read this year. I hope to read 25. That is my goal. If I don’t kill myself, of course.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

tired of being tired and in pain

Tired of being tired and in pain

I had some difficulty getting to sleep. My ankle was being a total asshole. I woke up around 6 with my back hurting. It was snowing. I took some meds and then played with my phone for a bit. I wanted to get back to sleep so took my morning meds and then turned off my med alarm. I didn’t get up till after 1230 or so. I really didn’t want to get up. I had to eat something. I made an egg Mcmuffin. I kind of let the butter burn so stunk up the house. My mother didn’t like that. I guess I had the gas too high. I made some coffee and the stupid press spilled coffee all over the place. I am going to get a new one, if I can find the mug one I saw a couple of months ago. I might have to look online for it.

I really wanted to go back to sleep. My mother made me go downstairs to check on my niece. The trip up and down stairs really flared my ankle. I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I feel so low.

I am so mad my order for the RAM didn’t go through. They “pre-authorized” my card, but due to some financial invalidation, they canceled my order. WTF. I emailed them to find out more and they said the same shit. If I want to place another order, I have to go through PayPal or a third party. I’ve ordered from this company before so I don’t know what the fuck the problem is. Just seems so dumb. But in the meantime, I have to wait 3-10 business days for the pending charge to disappear. I am so aggravated. Think I will just order it on Amazon or some other computer place. I just went on Amazon for shits and giggles. I found the memory $10 cheaper and I can get free shipping. So when I get paid next week or when the bozos decide to undo the pre-authorization charge, I will get it.

I want to go to bed now but am afraid if I do, I will be up all night. I made coffee but it was strong and I only drank about half of it. My mother wanted hot dogs cooked in a panini thing my sister got her for Christmas. They came out good but I kind of let it burn so now the house smells of burned hot dogs. It cooked faster than I thought it would for frozen dogs. I am going to try and get burgers and buns next week. I am dying for a burger. I might make it in the panini thing.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wake and other things

Wake and other things

My foot and ankle were hurting me all day with bone crushing pain. I didn’t think I would be able to go to my uncle’s wake. I tried to rest but it wasn’t happening. My mother still wasn’t feeling well so I made her lunch and then cleaned up afterwards. I also took out the trash and recycles. I somehow managed to find a long sleeved shirt and I found a tie to go with it. It was kind of tight but it worked.

The wake went as well as can be. Only thing that absolutely sucked was seeing my pedophile cousin who had abused me. He kept on telling everyone I wrote a book and he read it. Whatever. Then my cousin-in-law came up to me to talk to me about the book and I wanted disappear forever to get away from him. I cannot stand him. He kept hitting my back, which was already hurting me. I gave him the information that he wanted and then, thankfully, he found someone else to talk to.

After the wake, a few of my cousins, sisters, and nieces went to have something to eat. I had what my sister was having, grilled shrimp and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, I had a reaction of some sort to the shrimp as my lip swelled up. It is still swollen. I took a Benadryl to ward off any other reaction. I feel okay. I ordered a whiskey because I felt like it. I didn’t even have half a glass and I got buzzed. I am a lightweight. I hardly drink.

I had wanted to text my therapist about my cousin being at the wake and basically giving me a heart attack in the process but I didn’t. I will tell him when I see him next week. I am glad my cousin’s wife wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand her for sticking up for him and believing him over me or her daughter. I am glad I don’t have to see him again.

I came home and my mother was already in bed. I hope whatever bug she has goes away soon. My ankle and foot are really flared up right now. I hope between the night meds and Benadryl I will sleep soon. Otherwise, it is going to be a long night.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

back to therapy and other things

Back to therapy and other things

I had a rough night sleeping because of pain. I woke up a few times, which I didn’t like as it took me a while to get back to sleep. My med alarm went off at 0845 and I didn’t want to wake up after I shut the damn thing off. I took my meds and some how the new med didn’t go down. I choked on it and it was nasty. I played with my phone for a bit. It was cold and snowing but it didn’t appear to be sticking, which was good. By the time I decided to make something to eat, the snow had stopped.

My mother was in the kitchen, waiting for the visiting nurse to see her. I made an egg Mcmuffin. After I finished eating, I decided to make coffee as I was feeling out of it. I got up and a wave of dizziness hit me. I had to hold on to the chair to keep myself from falling down. I turned the water on the kettle and sat back down. I broke out in a cold sweat and didn’t feel good at all. The dizziness went away but I was still feeling queasy. I made my coffee and drank it in the kitchen. I used the last of my Hawaiian coffee. It was good, though I spilled coffee again. I think the lid must not be on right or something.

I went upstairs to my room and laid down. I set my alarm so I didn’t go into a deep sleep. It was only for an hour and a half or so. The alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up or move. I felt a little better than I did. I stayed in bed for another half hour and then got dressed. The temp was supposed to get up to 23 but it never did. Think the highest it went up was 19. I left for the bus stop and the bus came within 9 minutes, a record. I was still debating on what to get at Starbucks. I walked in and found a chair. I decided on a mocha and a doughnut. I brought my own mug as I am trying to go green this year. The mocha I had with whole milk as their 2% sometimes upsets my stomach for some reason. I had no problems. I wrote in my journal until around 1500 or so. I had to catch the train to my therapist’s office. Today the trains and buses were on Saturday schedule.

I walked to my therapist’s office and then waited. I had 20 minutes to spare. I washed out my mug and then played with my phone. He called me in and we talked. He said he had to change our schedule to an earlier time. I said that was fine. There were a few Mondays that I had a conflict with but other than that, we were good. I gave him an update as it has been a month since I saw him. I told him about my family’s history of how the fight between my father and my mother’s mother prevented me from knowing my mother’s side till I was 13. I still have resentment that other than a few cousins, no one made an effort to keep in touch other than my mother’s youngest sister. I consider her and her kids my family. I slowly incorporated a few others as I grew to know these family members that suddenly emerged into my life. Trust was something that was hard to do. I had my father telling me they were “bad people”. I would judge for myself who was “bad” and who to trust in time.

After session, the dizziness started again and got worse by the time I reached the train station. I held on to the cold railing as I descended down the stairs. I was scared I was going to collapse on them. I made it and the train was there. Unfortunately, there was a train delay due to fire department activity at the next station. I waited patiently and hoped I wouldn’t pass out. The train got moving and when I got near my stop, I texted my sister to pick me up as I was not sure about the bus schedule. I wasn’t going to take the new med anymore.

After I had dinner and cleaned up a bit, I emailed the neurologist and told him my side effects were too severe and I wasn’t taking the med any more. My therapist had sent me the money I gave him and I got RAM for my laptop. My laptop was slow as shit as I had like 5 tabs open on Exlorer. I had to go to the Dell website to make sure I was buying the right RAM. I wanted to get 8GB but the site I went to had two kinds and I wasn’t sure which one was right. I saved the PDF so I didn’t have to log into Dell again. I will get the RAM by the end of the month as shipping was free.

I went downstairs and turned the heat up. It was freezing in my room. I don’t mind being cold but when my nose is cold, I need the heat. Tomorrow is my uncle’s wake. I don’t have dress or casual clothes that fit me because I gained 10 pounds so I will just wear jeans and a button down shirt. I have no idea what happened to my long sleeved button down shirts are. I just seem to have dress shirts, which are kind of tight on me due to the things on my chest. I can’t wait till I get these suckers off. They are so annoying me.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments