I woke up around 0840 with my bladder close to bursting. I quickly took my meds and “ran” to the bathroom. I went back to my room to sleep for about an hour or so. I didn’t drink anything other than the sip or two of Powerade I had with my meds. My bladder was close to bursting again and it hurt so bad after I emptied it. I was like WTF. I know between my meds and stupid nerve injury, my bladder is fucked but fairly functional. I was so annoyed. I wanted to make breakfast burritos but was getting antsy. I was hungry so I had the one that was in the freezer with the picante sauce. I then took the longer way to the square, which required two buses. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and wrote a little in my journal. It was fricken cold today but again I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt so I was roasting. I couldn’t write anymore so decided to use the bathroom (bladder was full yet again!) and then leave to go into town.
Caught the train and picked up my scripts. The “storm” is now slated for the evening/night. I could have rested today but whatever. I came back to the Square and just missed the bus so I caught a bus to the other bus location to the bus home. For what should have taken me 2 hours, took me three because I had to catch four buses. I was freezing and by the time I reached my house, my ankle was talking to me. I really needed some pain meds. I wore sweatpants that I swear just make you sweat. No breathable material.
I went up to my room and changed then got under the covers. I played on my phone until dinner was almost ready. My mother was making a turkey tenderloin. It was okay. I would have like breadcrumbs over BBQ sauce. My ankle was screaming by the end of the meal. I wanted to go back to my room but my fricken mother told me to put the veggies away as her back was hurting. Pissed me the fuck off.
Then I find out the “storm” is only going to be about six fricken inches at the most, which is NOTHING! And now it looks definitely like evening/night so I wasted a day, hurting my fricken ankle for an errand I could have done tomorrow. I am so pissed. The way this “storm” is moving, it probably will go out to sea by tomorrow and we won’t get jack. Fricken weather people just love to hype shit up!! I am so fricken sick of this. I heard one weatherman say last storm that it was going to be heavy snow turning to snow! What the hell does that even mean??!! Isn’t SNOW SNOW???? Unbelievable!
I need Pearl Jam but I got a fricken migraine so country music it is. I don’t know why every fricken time I turn on the radio app, I listen to commercials. EVERY SINGLE TIME! My sister called to tell me I need to make sure my niece is out of the house by 750. Yuck. I need to get her up at 730. I set my alarm after the call so I wouldn’t forget. I guess I will have an early start to making my burritos tomorrow. I am going to make them with two cheeses, cheddar and American. I should buy Monterey Jack as that is creamier than cheddar. Also melts better. Think I will put it on my growing grocery list. I think I am up to $175 in groceries, but a few items are meat so that is why it is so expensive. I want to get ribs again and some hot dogs. I found out they have a 16 count of my favorite brand that is a few dollars more than an 8 count. Score. I am also getting some eggs because I know we will be out by then, even though I just bought three dozen. I need at least a half dozen to make my burritos. I think that will be at least 3-4 burritos. They kept nice in the freezer and warmed up good, too, for my first trial. So it is worth it to make it in batches.
The hunt for Picante sauce
I was in severe pain last night after taking my night time dose of pain meds. It wasn’t even two mins in my system when I moved to lay down that my ankle exploded in severe pain. It was then the waiting game of what to do/take. I was up till around 4. Around 3 I got hungry and heated up the breakfast burrito I made a few days ago. I wanted something spice and found a packet of picante sauce from McDonalds. YES! It was so good. My belly was full and I was able to get to sleep, though it wasn’t restful as I kept waking up every couple of hours, with my med alarm scaring the crap out of me. I would have stayed in bed but I had to see my therapist. I woke up shortly after 11 so there was no chance of a shower. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. My mother made pancakes and saved me some. I took them with me to have at Starbucks with my much needed espresso.
I got to Starbucks and had 5 shots of espresso and the pancakes. It was good. I then wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for my therapist’s office. It was bloody cold but I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt and that made me sweat. My ankle was still bothering me so I took a strong pain pill to keep it quiet. In my Painsomnia state, I had written an email to my psychiatrist that was basically telling her I was going through with Plan A. She had responded with some weird inquiries so I had some explaining to do. We exchanged emails and I think everything is sorted. Not quite sure though as she never responded with my last email.
I went to my therapist’s office and session went well. He was surprised that the pain doc and my PCP had decided to go collaborate and not include me in the conversation. It is still a mystery why my psychiatrist needs to be involved. I asked him if the LGBT doc had been in touch with him and he said that they were looking for my entire record from him. He didn’t send it because he wanted to talk to me first and I am glad he did because I do not want them to have the record. They may talk to him, but I do not want what we talk about to be shared. He said that he is willing to write a letter if they need it but it will cost me. I am not worried about that. He said he would prefer a phone call. I agreed. So Friday when I meet with the doc, I will ask him what he wants with my therapist. As of yet, the LGBT doc has not contacted my psychiatrist. I have no idea if he got my medical records or what. Now I am really nervous about the appt.
I am on the fence on moving forward with my transition because of my plan. I am going to send my PCP a message about what he plans on doing with my pain meds. I am planning on picking up the script on Wed, if they are ready. After therapy, I went on my picante sauce hunt. I went to the grocery store at the Square and they had shit selection but no picante sauce. The eggs were also up thirty cents since I bought them Saturday. I went to another grocery store and they had the picante sauce! Yay! I bought three dozen eggs and a half gallon of juice, my kind as the one my sister bought my mother sucks. It is from concentrate and I like it not from concentrate. It just tastes better. I got home and had to shower. I was sweating and because I was holding my urine, I leaked pretty good. I felt gross. I knew my ankle wasn’t going to like it but that is what pain meds were for.
After the shower, I had dinner that my mother made. Then she yelled at me because I spent so much on the eggs. I should have destroyed the receipt but I forgot I left it in the bag. It wasn’t even her money! She said she wasn’t sending me shopping anymore. Fine. Whatever. I don’t give a shit. You buy your eggs and I’ll buy mine!
I just made a cup of orange spice tea and I am going to relax the rest of the night. My back and ankle are killing me. I hope I am not up all night again. I need to clean out my backpack and find out what the hell is so damn heavy. I think I am going to switch to my messenger bag. It is time for a change anyway. Time to rock the Pearl Jam bag!
My ankle has been hurting me most of the day. I woke up at 6 in pain, managed to go back to sleep and got up around 1400. I made coffee and walking was difficult. Any weight that I put on my ankle made it hurt more. I had some cookies as I didn’t know what to eat. I was watching the game. It was the top of the 5th and they scored soon as my coffee was done. YAY! My “boyfriend” Benny Biceps (Andrew Benintendi) scored a home run. I decided to make some boiled eggs and toast before going back to my room.
My mother wanted me to look up some cleaning machine on my computer. I told her the price and I guess it was too high as she didn’t say anything else. I don’t know why she wants another one. She bought one for the kitchen floor that she has yet to use. I don’t get it. She has bought several sets of pans that are on the porch. Guess she is waiting for the ones we use every day to fall apart before we can use them. I don’t know. They are the copper ones they show on TV. I used one of them while making the beef for Manwich. It was good as things didn’t stick to it. I might use the smaller pan when I make scrambled eggs.
I am so exhausted from being in pain. It is draining the fuck out of me. My psychiatrist never responded to the email I sent her about what the pain doc said. I have no idea if my PCP has contacted her or what. I hate that I am not being included in the conversation. It IS my life they are talking about and MY care. I hate that this is just dragging on. I am still going to go through with my plan. I will make phone calls tomorrow, though that is giving me anxiety. I hate talking to people on the phone. I rather text or email. I know it will be a few transfers to get a hold of someone that is in charge of getting my pension and what to do with it. I also know that once I start the process, there is no looking back. I know I don’t have to do this but I can’t stand being in pain 24/7 anymore.
When my check comes in this month, I plan on ordering my books so I can give them to the libraries. I want my hometown to have a couple of copies and the idiot town I live in, even though I hate this city very bad. I also need to get my spare phone fixed. No point in getting new glasses. HA, one less expense, though I currently am hating the pair I have right now. I should make a list of all that I need to do. I have two places I want to eat at before I go.
Even though my feet have been under the blankets the past two hours, they are ice fricken cold. It’s kind of cold in my room. For some reason, the heat only goes on at night, least in my room anyway. I don’t mind it being cold so long as my nose doesn’t get cold. Then I need heat. But my feet are different. I need to put on thermals and I just don’t want to be bothered. Damn, heat is making a liar out of me as it just kicked on! Fucker. LOL Must have knew I was talking about it.
Sox won 2-1. 11 days till Opening Day. I cannot fricken wait!! Seems like forever since I last heard or watched a night game. The spring training has been meh. Nothing exciting except one catcher that has done really well. I don’t know who will be staying or going. I guess that will be happening sometime within the week.
Saturday Blog 17-Mar-18
Every time I open my laptop, within 5 fricken minutes I get the Win 10 update thingy that says it needs 8GB of space for security updates. Why does it need 8GB?? I don’t have 8GB because I have a small hard drive that apparently, I cannot upgrade because it is a piece of shit! But I guess you get what you pay for when you only spend $300 for a NEW laptop. I can’t do anything I want to do with this thing. And I can’t have Facebook open for more than 10 minutes without the memory alert going off. Yea, use for internet and email my ass.
I just came back to my room from having dinner with my sister and brother in law’s family. It was good. We spent some time talking and stuff. I was late in taking my night meds but that is okay. I am really tired because I was up at 345 am due to pain. I stayed up till around 7 and then slept for a few hours before I got up to make burritos. I made 3, one to have now and froze the other two. This is the first time I have made a batch. I was watching how to make a burrito on YouTube as I had the concept but could never get the sides tucked in enough. The first one was okay, the second was mediocre. The one I had fell apart because I filled it with too much eggs. Oh well. I will know for next time. It’s hard knowing how much for each when you’re not used to making more than two eggs at a time.
After I ate, I felt dizzy and then got a migraine. I took my blood pressure and it was kind of on the low side so I drank some fluids until I fell asleep. I am just still feeling icky. I hate being up in the middle of the night. The ankle bone pain that I woke up with in the middle of the night has been hurting me for most of the day. I’ve been trying to stay on top of it with meds but it hurts so bad with the storm approaching. I hope tomorrow I will feel better, but there is no guarantee. I just hope I can sleep tonight, all night!
Oh my blood pressure!
I had about 4 hours of sleep last night. I just couldn’t sleep. My brain couldn’t turn off and then pain started. I couldn’t get comfortable. I was talking to one of my British friends and she was telling me about strong tea. She gave me the brand she uses and in my Painsomnia state, I ordered it. I have been making a lot of purchases while I am up all night. I told my psychiatrist and she said that if my spending got out of hand, to let her know. I said I would.
I had six shots of espresso and that wasn’t a good idea for my appts as I was kind of jittery. My emotions were all over the place because I didn’t sleep. I lost track of when I was supposed to take my pain meds so was late by the time I got home. I saw my psychiatrist and all I did was cry out of frustration. She read the notes from the pain doc and it said what I told her. She encouraged me to collaborate with the pain doc. So I settled down and said I was going to try. That was the plan. Should have worked, right?? Yea, like a snowball in hell!
I met with this fellow that I swear is stalking me. Nearly every new appt I have had the last few months, he has been there. Today he was the fellow I saw before the attending. We chatted for a bit and then he went to get the attending. I told him I wanted to be put on methadone before leaving. He said he would relay the message. The attending comes in and said he had a long conversation with my PCP about what to do. Now it becomes a three ringed circus, because these two doc (pain and pcp) will collaborate with my psychiatrist before deciding on what to do. WTF!! I asked what I was to do in the meantime. He didn’t say anything. He did say that if I had continued bone pain, to let my PCP know so he could order a bone scan to check for a bone infection. I have been having this pain for more than a year. I had a bone scan in November that didn’t say a thing about infection. I am so fucking pissed. I am done. I was speechless. As I walked to the train station, I put on Pearl Jam and listened to it LOUD.
My psych wanted me to let her know how the appt went. I told her I would page her when I got home. I emailed her because I was watching the game and didn’t feel like talking. I came home, made dinner as I watched the ball game, tweeted or posted on Facebook on the plays. I was so exhausted. I still am. I feel so lifeless. I have decided to put my plan into motion. Monday I will be making some phone calls. Soon as I have my affairs in order, I plan on going through with my plan.