midnightdemons7

Another chapter

I slept later than I wanted to. Yesterday’s activities made sleep through the night. I didn’t wake up till after 12. I took my meds and then made coffee. I also had some waffles. They were the new Eggo protein waffles. They weren’t bad. I had another cup of coffee with them. Then I shaved. I didn’t know what I was going to wear for PJs. I ended up getting my flannel ones out of my bag that I had packed for the hospital like a year ago. I never unpacked it. I tried to find my UMB hat but I don’t know where it is. It wasn’t where I last saw it.

I felt a little more energetic today than I did yesterday. As I was getting dressed, I knocked over my pill box. I still don’t think I got everything picked up. I found all the alcohol wipes I put in it under the bottles. I then left for the bus.

I got to campus an hour and a half early before class. I printed out the slides on the next chapter just in case we had gone through the lipids chapter. Turns out we were still on chapter 2 so I really didn’t miss much when I missed class on Monday. I just got to read the chapter and then do the homework assignment. I also need to do the lab report which is going to be a little more trickier. It has to be in a format. I think I can do it.

It took me so long to get home. I didn’t get home till around 830pm. I was starving as I didn’t eat anything since the waffles at noontime. I made some butternut squash ravioli and my niece had made spanakopita so I had the last two pieces. I needed the calories as the ravioli was just under what I needed to take the Latuda. I had bought a water bottle on the way to campus so I could drink but I wasn’t too thirsty.

Tomorrow is my rest day. I plan on reading chapter 2. I need to take all the recycle off my bed. I got boxes that need to be taken down. Hopefully my legs won’t be too sore. My neuro got back to me about my migraines. She is thinking about temporarily increasing the Depakote. I just hope if she does, I don’t get worse tremors.

Hard day

I reluctantly got up around 10 because I had to pee. I then took my meds and played my games as well as checked messages on my phone. I was feeling so damn tired. I got up around 1030 to get some coffee. I had one cup and then some yogurt. Then I had another cup. I was kind of hungry so I made a chicken sandwich. I forgot how good those chicken patties are. Then I got dressed for class. I was kind of running late so took a Lyft to the station. Of course the trains were delayed and I was worried I was going to be late for lab. They have a 15 min rule where if you are more than 15 mins late, you’re not allowed in lab. I just made it. I forgot to bring a water bottle and I was thirsty. I am grateful they had water fountains around the campus.

My legs were not my friend today. Even around the house they were aching. I had to do a lot of walking on campus to get to the lab and then I had to walk back. By the time I got to the train station and did the three flights of stairs to get there, I was so out of breath. It took a long while for me to catch my breath. The trains were delayed. Apparently, someone got hit by a commuter rail train and died. I don’t know if it was intentional or not as they were crossing the tracks.

I was craving spaghetti and sauce so I stopped at the store and got luckily they had my brand of jarred sauce. The pasta I didn’t care for but it was all they had so I bought it. When I turned on the last street to my house, I thought my legs were going to give on me. I was taking baby steps home. I had to pee and I was out of breath again. My niece was in the bathroom so I had to wait. I leaked and didn’t feel it. I need to shower tomorrow. And shave. I have a new shave cream/balm. I have found that using it makes my head softer than a dry shave. I am so tired. I was going to read a chapter for class but I think I am going to go to bed, soon as I put my PJs on.

Therapy was hard today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 3 and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I also had a hard time getting up. I didn’t get up till 1230 which left me a little time to wake up before my therapy appt. I was sort of dreading it.

She brought up the stuff I sent her in the message and we talked about some trauma stuff, though I don’t know if it is really trauma stuff. We talked about how much the suicidal stuff was related to me being trans. She wondered if seeing a LGBTQ therapist would be helpful and I said that it is hard to find one. Mostly I have seen allies. The session really brought me down and I needed to nap. I was so tired. And then I got a migraine so decided not to go to class. It was the fourth day of migraines for me. I sent a message to my neuro and I hope it went through. I kept getting error messages on the app.

I have been trying to do my homework for lab but nothing is making sense to me right now and I want to sleep so bad. I completely do not understand it and the migraine isn’t helping me. I was supposed to get a print of it but it hasn’t been delivered yet. I am doing it electronically, well trying to anyway.

I still feel like I should be dead somehow. I don’t feel any different that I have transitioned. The depression is the same. The wanting to die is the same, though it isn’t as intense as it once was. I just feel jaded most of the time. Like I can die and it wouldn’t bother me at all. I have built up the capacity to do it. I just choose not to act on it. Like it is ok to have the thoughts but as long as I don’t act on it, I am ok. I feel like I can act on it anytime I want to. There just needs to be a driving force to do it. Right now there isn’t. It’s not overwhelming me.

I found out today my aunt died. She had dementia. She didn’t know me anymore. It was really sad. She was a nice lady. I will always remember that about her.

Slept late on a Sunday

Today is Superbowl Sunday. My Pats are playing. I can’t wait till game time. I am hoping I can watch it with my brother in law as I don’t have a TV. Otherwise, I will just keep tabs on the game via the app.

I just put in a load of laundry. I left my phone downstairs. I need to shave my head today. I am finding that when I use the shaving cream, I get a closer shave, which is nice. I am drinking fluids today because I didn’t drink much yesterday. I had two cups of coffee today. I haven’t eaten anything as I am not really hungry. My niece has some mac and cheese that she made. I might have some of that later.

I feel totally depressed and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my psychiatrist lowered the Latuda by 30 mg. I feel on edge as I watch for unusual thinking and stuff. I remember when I was in the catatonic state they had me on 40 mg but I don’t think I was taking it consistently.

It is really cold today and last night between the wind and the heat, I had a hard time falling asleep. I have been seriously thinking about getting earplugs. It is kind of quiet now. I still feel sleepy. Last night I did my homework and got a C. I will do the other homework today and see what I get. I read the PDF that was assigned that made things simpler but I didn’t see how it was graded or how you got credit for it.

Tomorrow I got to pick up my library book. It is a trans memoir. My other book will have to wait.

I got a migraine last night and I still got some pressure in my head today. It’s weird that I am not hungry. Maybe I will drink an Ensure today. I have to bring it up to my room. It has been sitting near my living room since I bought it. I am not sure what I am going to do today as I don’t feel right. I got to do my meds for the week. I don’t know what I am going to do about night meds as I don’t want to get diarrhea again. I took magnesium last night so I am waiting to see if I have a bowel movement. It is such a balancing act for my bowels.

Yesterday marked 25 years since I had my CES surgery. I honestly didn’t think I was going to walk again. I am grateful that I can as I know a lot of people who can’t. One thing I learned is not to take it for granted. It was a long road to learn to walk again and I had to do it three times in my life. Each time was difficult. And the pain that went with it was even harder. For 25 years I have been in pain in one way or the other. On top of having mental illness, which is its own kind of pain.