14 Aug 18

14 Aug 18

The lunatic didn’t come over and I was grateful. I woke up around 0330 to go to the bathroom and then was up for a bit. Think I read some of my book until meds kicked in to bring me back to sleep. I didn’t sleep long, just about 4 hours or so. I got up around 11. I saw on the little table by the stairs that my mother had mail and her walgreens gift card. Guess I was going out. Wasn’t a big deal as I wanted to see if they had this Epsom salt rub. They didn’t have it in stock (this store really never has things in stock, they have a sale and the item will have no stock!) The only store that had it was the one in Malden. I would have to wait till Friday as that was when I was going near there. I went to the bakery for bread and mailed somethings. On the way home, I stopped at the other drug store and they had the item. Score! I used it once I cooled off. I was soaked with sweat by the time I walked around the block, so to speak.

I used the stuff and within a few minutes, my legs weren’t that achy anymore. But the stuff left a residue on my legs. I didn’t like it but as long as it took care of the pain, I don’t care. I can use it as much as I want. Stuff does take a while to dry but not a long time. I’ll probably shower tomorrow as I need to get blood work done. My psych wanted to check things. She never responded to my email about if a bmp was ordered or not. Be curious if my sodium is still above normal.

I asked my mother if she wanted burgers for supper and she did. I knew my niece wasn’t going to eat burgers so I asked if she wanted mac and cheese. She did. So for dinner I was making burgers, tater tots, and mac and cheese. I was a chef for a bit. I spent most of my time on my feet doing the various things that needed doing. I ended up burning my muffin because I forgot about it. I had sat down to eat some tater tots while it was toasting and forgot about it so it burned. Glad I didn’t have a fire alarm in the kitchen, which is weird. But the door was open to let the smell out. I was planning on doing the dishes when my friend called. I was talking to him until my sister and my cousin and her baby came over. I then said I had to go as I had company. I played with the baby for a bit and then my sister accidently kicked my bad ankle. That was all it needed. I asked her if she could do the dishes and she had an ass ache (aka was lazy and didn’t want to do it). She asked her son to do it and he had a back ache. I told my mother I was going to rest a bit and then I will do the dishes later when meds work. I went upstairs to cool off and rest a bit. My phone needed charging. I tried to write the blog earlier but internet browsing kept me from my task. I finally stopped just before my med alarm was to go off. My right sprained ankle hurts so I don’t know if the dishes are going to get done.

I can’t fricken believe I did all that with two messed up ankles. But now that I am resting, I ma hurting. My mother was like just sit on the couch. She doesn’t get that my leg needs to me elevated to stop hurting. I need my bed to ease the pressure. It has been the only thing that sometimes helps. Not all the time as sometimes my pain is worse. But that is when NOTHING helps it. I just hope it doesn’t swell with it being down so much today. I hate days where I am supposed to rest and I do a million things. Not big things but enough to hurt really bad during the night. I was telling my mother this and she said don’t say it. I was like I can’t help it, my ankle knows when it is 2100 and it acts up. Or 2000. It doesn’t care. It will hurt just by me getting more comfortable in bed. Or without moving. No rhyme or reason. Just acts up when it wants to. And there is little I can do when it does.

Baseball is on and I am going to take my meds as my thigh is cramping up and then turn on the radio. They are already leading 1-0, scoring first! Should be a good game. They are playing the Phillies.

Lunatic and other things

Lunatic and other things

So this was my FB post around 11 this morning:

“I didn’t go today. My foot was bothering me when I woke. Then my lunatic aunt gives me a heart attack as she goes up the stairs. I thought something was wrong with my mother. I get up, painfully walk to my bedroom door to see what was the matter and it was NOTHING. She was just “talking”. Are you kidding me? So then I had to pee. Legs are shot. Calves are killing me. Went to the bathroom and then out to the porch to grab some cereal. And she starts asking how are you in a sweet sick voice. I lost it on her. Told her she has no consideration for anyone but her. Then she says, well I thought you went out. That just sent me off. lunatic. I am so upset right now. And I know she doesn’t feel a damn thing.”

When I finally got up around 330 pm, the lunatic was gone and my cousin (her son) was calling me. Since my blow up, she didn’t yell at all. She also said maybe I wasn’t going to be here for three days. I was like good, don’t. You are not helping anyway, but I didn’t. I just had my cereal. I was upset that I stood up for myself. I am so tired of her walking in the door, screaming bloody murder for my mother, alarming the hell out of me for nothing. I didn’t pick up when my cousin called. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was trying to rest because my calves were still sore and walking was difficult. I needed some Icy Hot or something. I knew it would stink but I didn’t care. I was so desperate for my muscles to stop aching so bad.

I got up to eat, my mother wanted some boiled eggs and I heated up the boiled dinner my bro in law made. The potatoes and carrots were good. The meat was just fat. Then I had my brownies that I made. I was going to have them for dinner but decided to have the boiled dinner instead. My mother made the boiled eggs the way she likes them with vinegar and oil, salt and pepper. I just eat it with a little salt and toast. She was getting around pretty better but I could tell the weather was wreaking havoc on her legs.

All day I felt guilty for staying in bed. I really wanted to see my cousins. But I was in too much pain. I used rubbing alcohol and that helped some. My cousins hoped I felt better. I hope we can see each other again without a death or wedding in between. I hate being a chronic pain person. I slept like shit. I was waking up every few hours. I know I must have taken another BT med around 6 am because I was hurting. My damn ankle pain did not want to let up. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful.

I had decided that I was going to end things this week and then my sister said it was going to be raining Friday. Fucking A. Seriously?? I have to go to PT. I am going to get soaked. I was planning on dying this day. Now I got to pick another damn day. I am so mad!

My friend, who is a nurse and has the same type of nerve injury of me, have been talking about my pain doc situation. I don’t think she understands me when I email her. Her responses are way out there and then I am like what the fuck are you saying? Then I am like what did I write. I read what I wrote in the email to her and there was nothing to suggest what her response is like. So I am just ignoring it because I can’t deal. She is a good friend but sometimes, we just don’t understand what we are saying. So weird and frustrating.

No ballgame tonight. Sox are 50 games over 500. It is ridiculous. They are on pace for at least 115 games. That will be the most they have won since I have been alive. This team is unreal. I love them so much. I am going to try and read Poe Shadow tonight. I fell asleep before I could read last night plus my concentration wasn’t all that great because of pain. I am really trying my best to read as a distraction than use social media as most of it is all political bullshit of the Orange Buffoon. I haven’t been on Twitter too much other than to post shit and then I get off. I check my notifications a few hours later. Twitter has become so political lately about everything. Every candidate and representative is under fire. I hate it. I just want to see kitten and puppy pic or videos. And stupid shit like people posting their dinners and stuff. Back when Twitter was fun. It’s not fun anymore. Maybe I should stop following the people and only those that are kittens and puppies. I don’t know. Weeding through 1,000 people is hard. I have turned off seeing people’s retweets, which has helped some. I really wish I was in academia. I think if I was in school, things would be better and I would be intellectually stimulated more. Facebook is just a thing to do. Thankfully it has become less political, least on my page. I tend to hide the stuff that irritate and annoy me.

Sunday 12 Aug 2018

Sunday 12 Aug 18

I did a lot today when I didn’t want to. I planned on doing the laundry and then resting the rest of the day. My mother decided to call me before 10 am to do it as she emptied the hamper in the bathroom but couldn’t pick up the clothes to bring them in the kitchen. When I got downstairs, I said you should have brought the hamper to the kitchen. She said old habits. She needs new habits as it is much easier to drag an empty hamper to the bathroom than bring multiple loads of clothes to the kitchen. UGH. I put the sorted clothes in the hamper and just dragged it. It was easier to load the washer that way. It was around noon time so I asked my mother what she wanted for lunch. I was thinking tuna and she did too. But I didn’t make “my” tuna. I made hers, which has no taste to it. I didn’t enjoy my lunch.

I had to make brownies as I am seeing my cousins tomorrow. I am to bringing dessert. My cousin is providing lunch. I might bring my bathing suit as she has a pool but it’s supposed to be rainy so not sure it will happen. It will depend how my pain will be. I have to make sure I bring my BT meds with me, just in case.

My feet are dog tired right now. I helped my mother with dinner, which made my dinner warm. I had made a frozen dinner as I didn’t know what else to make. My mother came into the kitchen just as it popped out of the microwave. I was so tired and then while cleaning up, my ankle gave out, painfully. I am seriously debating on putting the heating pad on my feet.

Last night I finished Norse Mythology. I had read one chapter yesterday, with the goal of finishing it later in the day and I did it. It is such a fun book. I really love it. Now I just got to work my way through Poe Shadow by Matthew Pearl. I am going to try and read two chapters after I finish this blog. I wanted to change my sheets today but with the urgency of having to do laundry, I completely forgot. I kind of got the clothes off my bed that needed washing so that was good. Now I just got to clear the corner that likes to get cluttered. It mostly has papers that need to be recycled in the shredder. I think I am going to bring the shredder up to my room and just spend the day doing that. I have a box full of them. Or maybe I will just tape up the box and send it off to a shredder company, LOL. That would be easier.

I had to take a shower today because they are working on our sewer lines and our water would be rusty. My right foot cramped up, twice. It disrupted my routine and I forgot to rinse off half my body as I just wanted to get the fuck out of the shower. So I turned the water back on to rinse off. I was not happy. I dried quickly, though I forgot my back as I was putting my clothes on. I should have just grabbed my clothes and went to my room. I hate being so discombobulated. I was talking to a friend about shaving my head and he told me how to care for the razor and to use a clear gel or oil as dry shaving takes out the skins stuff. So when I get paid next week, I will get some. I am not sure if Walgreens will have it. I will check it out but if it is more than Amazon or CVS, forget. I have been going through blades like crazy and they are really expensive. I am thinking of joining a shaver’s club so I can get them cheaper. I was looking at Gillette as that is what I use and I really like their razors. I have been using them for years. I might get a new handle and use that as my mother has been using mine and doesn’t clean it after she uses it on the few hairs she has on her chin. Pisses me off. Just another thing to get next week. Seems every month I have new things to buy and my budget just gets smaller and smaller. I am also going to a wedding next month so I need to budget for that. I got on a trial for my grocery deliveries so now I am no longer paying $7 in fees. Sweet!

Tired of being exhausted and exasperated

Tired of being exhausted and exasperated

I had another bad night of no sleeping until late in the morning. I honestly have no idea what time I went to sleep. Think I slept for a few hours and then had to use the bathroom because I drank water with a protein bar so I could fight off hunger. I remember it being around 7 am so I took my morning meds after I finagled the alarm times so I could sleep. I didn’t get up till 1330. My sister was over doing something for my mother. I think she just washed the dishes as my mother made eggplant and something else for lunch.

I made the rest of the bacon that I had. Everyone wanted some, which was good as I knew I couldn’t eat it all. I was sad to use it all up though as I won’t be getting more until I get paid in two weeks. I just added another package of bacon to my list of groceries.

My mother sugar dropped after I made some coffee. She said she wanted ice cream instead of juice. I begrudgedly gave her a nice helping but it didn’t bring the sugar up to her “normal” level. She didn’t want juice and it was dinner time. Her stomach was bothering her so she just had a bagel. By then it was up to 125 or so. I don’t think she should have taken the insulin but she doesn’t listen to me. She just does what she wants as she has done for years. I get scared her sugar will drop suddenly.

My sister was calling her while my mother was in the bathroom. She called three times and then called me. I was in a flare and was trying to rest to avoid taking a breakthrough med as it makes me sleepy. So instead of her coming upstairs to check on my mother, I had to fucking do it. I tried calling first and she didn’t answer. I don’t know why my mother doesn’t bring the phone in the bathroom. Whatever. She was fine. I called my sister and she said she knew. Fuck you. I knew her husband had told her because he brought up the mail. I am so sick of checking on my mother every five minutes because either my sister or aunt can’t get a hold of her.

I am also sick of my family not understanding my pain condition and how painful going up and down stairs is for me. I wanted to make brownies today because I am going to see my father’s side of the family on Monday and I need to bring a dessert. It was cool today but humid. I thought I could do it later in the afternoon but my ankle had other plans so it didn’t get done. I have no idea what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. My mother explained how she makes them. I just hope they don’t become hard as a rock. I am not good at making brownies. They always burn or get hard. I always tend to overcook them. Or sometimes undercook them. My mother makes them perfect and they are so yummy.

I went down to have dinner. I was so annoyed at my sister that I didn’t want to eat with my mother. I put my phone on do not disturb, allowing only my mother to call me. After I was finished I asked my mother if she wanted anything and she wanted a cup of tea. I made it for her. Then I went upstairs. I had to use the bathroom afterwards not even ten minutes when I was in my room. I hate that. Back down I went. My mother wanted some Tylenol so I got that for her. Then my sister came up and was just a fussy wus. She is just a fucking worry wart. My mother was hurting and was settling down for the night. She has been going to bed before 8 pm lately because she is tired. She needs her rest if she is going to get well. I understand because I know how exhausting chronic pain can be. She did a lot of things today and I am sure that exhausted her as she hasn’t done those things in a few weeks.

Yesterday, my uncle came over (my mother’s brother). I was putting on my ankle brace and he asked me, as always, how is my back. I shot him a look and the lunatic stood up for him saying he is just asking a question. I wouldn’t mind but it’s the same fucking question every time he sees me! Nothing is wrong with my back anymore. It is my fucking ankle and NO it has nothing to do with my fucking back!! I am seriously thinking of going in the hospital just to get away from these nut cases. But I know it will worry my mother, adding stress to her, and I don’t want to cause that. I just want to do my own fucking things and I can’t. I can’t even read without some annoyance from my sister or lunatic. My sister knows she will be okay alone but yet if she can’t reach her for five fucking minutes, she panics. Uh, hello, I am home. If she falls, I think I will hear her. Let her shit in peace, will ya?

Hurricane by Luke Combs

Hurricane by Luke Combs

Fricken love this song. It is I think his first hit. I must have listened to it over a thousand times. Then when his album came out, I listened to One Number Away and it still stands as one of my top 25 songs on my MP3 player. I love Luke Combs music. His voice is just all country, something that is missing in today’s radio. I was listening to the country radio station last night and I had to shut it off because it was the SAME music I heard the night before. I don’t know what it is about Florida Georgia Line in spelling their new song they release but it is getting old. Their latest new song is SIMPLE and it is lame.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her my therapist and I are working on a way to keep me alive even though I don’t want to be. He understands it is my overwhelm and flares that are triggering my planning dates and feeling immensely suicidal and trapped. I was in pain before I saw my psych. My ankle bone was acting up. I took my BT med and an hour later I was drowsy, even though I just had 5 shots espresso. I think I need to cut back on the shots because my stomach had a hard time afterwards. I think I am just going to have 4 shots and see how I do. I didn’t put a lot of soy in, so that maybe why it caused some discomfort.

My psych was telling me about a dog named George that talked. I forget the exact title she gave me but I think I found the video on YouTube. It was so funny. I had seen it before but it is always fun to see again. She then emailed me saying she wanted labs. Shit. And they have to be fasting. UGH. I hate fasting labs. I’ll probably get it sometime next week, though I am not sure when. I will have to make sure I don’t eat after 9 pm and then get my blood drawn the day, if I don’t have the night from hell. She gets the labs done because it is a yearly thing with the Invega to make sure it isn’t doing funny stuff to my lipids or setting off diabetes. She probably ordered another chem 7 to check my glucose and sodium again. Fun stuff.

I was in agony with my damn ankle bone. It was hurting me so much. And there are such rude people on the train. Here I am with a brace on each leg and these two women raced on the train to the disabled seating. I was pissed. Luckily there was a seat available next to one of them and I didn’t care that my ass cheek touched the woman next to me. Tough shit. My bus home was late and I had to go to the pharmacy before going home. I bought some chimichangas for dinner and some ice cream sandwiches. My mother didn’t like it as it was too chocolatey. More for me! The house was so hot because my lunatic aunt had shut the back door because “it was letting the heat in”. Fucking moron. I couldn’t believe she was still there. Then my sister and I found out why. She didn’t want to leave my mother alone. I knew she felt like my mother was an invalid. Made my sister and I mad. She doesn’t need to be babysat. She is an adult and needs to do stuff on her own in order to get better. Waiting on her is not going to help her. I am just glad she left when we came home. I had to leave early because she was annoying the fuck out of me this morning, fucking yelling at the TV being stupid. I know I yell at the TV when I watch sports but she yells at every show she watches! That is just absurd!!

I am going to try and rest this weekend but I need to do laundry as the hamper is full. It is mostly towels and my clothes as I was pretty sweaty this week. I hope it is going to be cooler next week. Next Saturday I was supposed to go on a Booze Cruise but there is no way I can manage with being in two braces. The stairs are narrow and I don’t want to risk I fall. I went last year and loved it so much but it was hard to manage with my AFO going up and down the stairs. I feel sad that I can’t make it and see my beautiful town I live and grew up in on the water. I am sure my sister will post pics. I will tell her to take pics so I can steal them, LOL. I love Boston so much. I really want to go to the Boston Harbor Cruise. I have never been to Thompson’s Island or Spectacle Island in Boston Harbor. I really love George’s Island because there is the fort that was built during the Civil War that is still there, even though it is crumbling. Some parts of the fort you cannot have access to because it is collapsing. It is cool but I can’t walk around like I used to. It would be nice to bring a lunch and my chair and just sit on the grass and see the water around the island. I love the water. It calms me down. I miss my home town so much, which had the harbor on one side and Chelsea Creek on the other. It was really cool. I miss walking so much. I know that I would lose so much weight if I was able to walk like I used to. But the town I am living in now has too many hills and it is exhausting walking just to the pharmacy. I am lucky if I can walk around the block to go to the Post Office some days.

I start another round of PT next week. My only appt of the week. Monday I see family and hope to go swimming in my cousin’s pool. Depends on the weather and how I feel. She has an inground pool. I can’t wait to see them. I have to remember to bring my BT meds with me. They make me really drowsy so I hope I don’t have to use them.