midnightdemons7

Good Friday 03042026

Happy Good Friday to all who celebrate.

I’ve had a disappointing day. My therapist had to cancel because of a family emergency and my psychiatrist still hasn’t responded to my fucking messages. I don’t think anyone has checked cause usually there is a message saying staff checked at whatever time. There is nothing indicating this. I am so damn annoyed.

I had a cup of coffee and then slept with the puppy. I didn’t sleep well last night. Around 3 am, I couldn’t take anymore of the puppy’s anxiety. She was on the floor anyway so I decided to go to my bed to try and get some sleep. I don’t know what time I fell asleep. I kept dreaming about being around MGH with my former car that I owned. It was so weird.

My pcp is referring me to uro for finding out why I leak. Since the UTI, I keep having small leaks, sometimes with my knowledge and some without, mostly without. I felt like calling the office to talk to the nurse because I am so stressed out today but I fought against it.

I need to read a chapter in my textbook and then do the homework for it. The practice test is posted. I think I will take it either tomorrow or Sunday. Depends on how I feel. Tomorrow is my mother’s death anniversary. I have been in such a rotten mood the past few days. I have been thinking about death three nights in a row. I feel like I am going crazy. Too much stress going on. Too many anniversaries. I hate myself for being depressed. I cannot wait till the semester is over.

I am listening to 90s alternative music. I can’t stop listening to it. I am in agony, full blown despair. Psychache is unbearable. I keep thinking of death. I regret living after my 2022 suicide attempt. I am so discourage with everything right now. I hate having depression. Who knows maybe I could have been a doctor like I wanted to be. Or maybe the MD/PhD i thought about doing. But physical illness and my dumb stupid mental illness got in the way.

I keep thinking of ending it. I want to but I don’t know when. And with my surgery happening so soon after the semester ends won’t be good. Thoughts keep going around and around. I am so useless and dumb. I am so disgusted with myself. I hate that I am so fat. I hate that my intelligence has gone by the way side. Things used to be so easy for me. Now I am struggling. No one knows I am drowning. I am hiding myself pretty well. I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright. Living inside my own confusion. Those are the lyrics to Lost by Linkin Park. I listened to Numb and had to listen to Meteora. From the inside is another good song. The whole album has the feels.

It’s almost 3am. I am so tired. My body hurts. Back has flared up and so has my chest muscles. And my feet keep cramping on me. It is kind of cold in my room as the wind has picked up. I am debating putting on a long sleeve shirt.

I still can’t believe I’ve misplaced my med box. It has to be in my room. Pisses me off.

Hard day

I tried to get up this morning to attend lab but I just couldn’t get up. I stayed in bed till around 11am. I took my meds and then made coffee. The puppy was here with daddy. She was fine until he left. Then I became second news. I made a breakfast sandwich. Then made a second cup of coffee, which killed my stomach. Puppy was sleeping on the floor so I went back to my room. I laid down and the thought was to leave at 2 so I had a chance of meeting the teacher for her office hours and also pick up my meds. 130pm rolled around and I still haven’t brushed my teeth or shaved so leaving at 2 was not going to happen. Around 2 I finally brushed my teeth and shaved. I was seriously debating going to class but I figured, I was going to be out so I might as well try to attend class. I left at three and caught the bus 15 minutes later.

I got my meds and then went to the station. I paid for my monthly pass and then went to the platform. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to campus around 430pm. I had an hour to kill so I printed off some slides for class. One slide was nearly 100 pages. I focused on the study guide. It was review for me as I read it. I didn’t do meiosis, which was what the class was about tonight.

I finally made the 730pm bus home. There were no delays on the red line. I couldn’t believe it. I went home and I was exhausted. I didn’t eat as my stomach was still upset so I had an ensure. Only problem was, I couldn’t find my med box for my night meds. They like to play hide and seek. Well, tonight they are hiding pretty well. I took stuff off the bed and still couldn’t find them. I have no idea where the fuck they are. I thought maybe they fell in my bag, but nope not there. So I am going without meds tonight. I could just make up another round but I don’t fucking feel like it.

On the way home, it felt like I had to pee but I didn’t. I was leaking though. I came home to pee but there wasn’t much to pee. I didn’t drink that much and I peed when I got to campus as I forgot to go before I left. Just weird. I haven’t had a BM in almost a week. I haven’t been taking senna since I have to go out.

I am going to re-read the Mendel chapter. I have been meaning to do it all week and usually by 8pm I am toast. I have a little energy left. Hopefully it will take my mind off where my meds went so I can sleep. I am really upset I cannot find that box.