An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

For the past twenty-four hours, I have been in a suicidal quandary. Last night I was in severe pain for the umpteenth time in a row. I had wanted to go to sleep but my ankle said, nope, not yet. I got really angry because I so wanted to sleep. It was past midnight. I had finished watching the ball game. I had winded down. I was ready for sleep. But pain said no and because it was the third or fourth night in a row that this happened, I was fed up. I wanted to kill myself. I felt there was no other way to escape.

My pain is well managed. All I had to do was take two pills to quiet the pain down and then drift off to sleep. I took the pills and waited for the throbbing to stop. Within an hour, it did but my brain didn’t. I was still pissed and suicidal that I just wanted to give up. I went over the plan I had been thinking about the past few months, wondering if it would work or not. A doctor friend told me it would be painful but I knew that. I also know that it would be at least 2-6 hours for the pills to work. That is a lot of time.

My friend understands about the chronic pain that I have because she also suffers from it as well. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have adequate pain meds like I do. I am not planning on ending my life with my pain meds. Far from it. If the area that I wanted to hang myself wasn’t fenced off, I would go there and do the deed. But it’s fenced off and I am not a good climber.

It doesn’t matter what kind of pain you are in, physical or mental. It still makes you want to end your life. Unfortunately, I have both so I am in a pickle. I have the raw end of the deal. I write about my suffering because I hope that it will help someone. I am not feeling hopeless. Just disgusted that I have to rely on pills every single day to give me relief from my pain, either it be my pain meds or my psych meds. Recently, I have been psychotic and that opened up a big kettle of worms. I thought I would have to go back to the hospital but my mother became sick and needed care so I couldn’t go. I had to be treated as an outpatient and take my care more seriously because my mother needed me.

I know the devastation I will bring to my family should I die, not only my family but to those around me. I talk about taking my life on this blog a lot because it helps to write about it. Doesn’t make me feel less suicidal but it helps with the feelings of not being able to do anything about it. Last night I was close to killing myself and if I had a clear plan, I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I don’t know if another hospitalization is in my future. I have grown hopeless about that kind of treatment because there is no treatment in the hospital anymore. The mental health professionals and insurance companies just think that a few days in a locked ward is enough to reset your thinking and make you think you have a life worth living. It’s a big crock. For some it is helpful but for those with chronic illness like me, unless you get treatment, actual therapy, it is just a waste of time.

I am not saying I have the answers to the mental health system because it is different in every state, and that is not the purpose of this blog post. But talking about suicide is similar to everyone who experiences it. People are literally dying because they don’t want to be in pain anymore. They don’t want the stigma that means having to take a pill to control that pain is causing them. Sometimes the stigma is greater than the treatment of the pain. Every day I wonder if I am an addict and will my meds be taken away from me because my pain is controlled with meds. I know that if any doctor takes these pain meds away from me, they might as well be signing my death certificate.

You can say that I can’t have it both ways but I am so tired of not having a life because of pain. I can’t walk like I used to. Just walking a few blocks brings me horrible pain. Last night I washed dishes and I think that is what set off my ankle pain. For the ten minutes it took me to wash four dishes and two cups. I can’t drive long distances because my ankle will act up on me. I never know what sets off my pain. And the docs aren’t sure what is causing my pain. Some kind of pain syndrome but they are not sure what. My quality of life sucks because I can’t go to family functions and things because my pain limits me. I test the boundaries every day and I am rewarded with pain. Then add mental illness on top of that and it’s not a pretty picture. Sure I was depressed and suicidal BEFORE I had chronic pain. But I also was able to hold down two jobs that I somewhat enjoyed.

I am not trying to boo-hoo my life. I just hate the way I live and I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s too painful, both physically and mentally.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

Major shopping done and the suicidality from last night

I got my monthly groceries today. I just finished putting everything away that needed to be put away. The breads I left out for my mother to deal with as the refrigerator needs some shuffling. I am not good at that. I am disappointed they didn’t have my hot dogs and one of the 12 pks I ordered, they decided to give me two 2L bottles. I rather they just give me a credit. I should have sent them back with the guy. But oh well. I have my diet soda that I drink. It’ll come in handy on these hot days.

I must have spent 15 minutes shopping at Walmart and walked out with $66 worth of clothes. It was all the shorts that I needed for the summer as I was wearing out the jean shorts I kept on wearing. I figure it will last me three years at least. That was the last time I went clothes shopping. I hate shopping for clothes. If something doesn’t catch my eye right away, I don’t get it. There were clothes I wanted to get but they didn’t have my size. I was disappointed.

After shopping at Walmart, I went to my therapy appointment. We talked about last night. I am glad that I didn’t email my psychiatrist at like 2 am. I know I would have received a phone call this morning if I did. I was not in good space. My ankle is starting to throb but it was nothing like last night. I still feel like I should be dead. I told my therapist I had every intention to cancel our appointments for next week but she wouldn’t have one word of it. I also told her I felt like texting her but I didn’t feel like it because I knew we would end up talking about it. She told me I could text her any time, day or night. That is good and all but it sucks when you don’t get a response back. I didn’t tell her this.

Our conversation was all over the place. Whenever there was a break, she brought us back to the suicidality. She wanted to know more about it. I really don’t remember much, though I still remember feeling suicidal. I think if I had a solid plan, I probably would have executed it today, regardless of the consequences. I woke up really groggy as I didn’t go to sleep till well after 0200. I did text my therapist around 0211 so I was still up at that time. I just said I was in a “dangerous mood”. I really didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t forfeit the Zipcar. It was well past the time I could cancel it so I forced myself up. I was so sleepy that I didn’t even get myself coffee before leaving Boston. I was half way to my therapist’s location when I realized I didn’t get coffee as I was getting sleepy on the road. I am so glad there is a Starbucks near her office that I always go to. I also got something to eat as I was getting hungry.

I should probably email my psychiatrist and let her know what happened last night and that I am still feeling suicidal. It was very difficult NOT to do something last night as I just was fed up with being in pain all the time, night after night after night. I wish it was close to 2000 so I could take my meds and go to bed. I am so fricken tired. I tried taking a nap before the groceries got here but some idiot from South Carolina called me and woke me up. It was a sign because it was close to when my delivery was scheduled to be delivered. So I never got my nap. I so could use a coffee but I don’t want to fuck up my sleep further.

There was hardly any traffic on the way home, thank goodness. I had enough time to make a run to my house to drop off my shopping bags and then return the car. I am glad I have a location near my house that is within walking distance. There is another location near me but it’s up a hill and I don’t do hills. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled. My ankle already didn’t like the walk back home but I took my pain meds to quiet it down.

This is why I don’t understand why I got so suicidal last night. It’s not like I don’t have meds for my pain. I do and they work, though taking them before the pain is bad has always been a challenge. I could just take them and within minutes my pain can climb or it could be two hours after I take the meds and then my pain shoots up. There is no rhyme or reason to what brings me pain. The slightest movement seems to make it explode and for some reason, it hurts threefold when I lay down versus when I am sitting up. But I can’t sleep while sitting. It hurts my back and neck being in that position all the time. I have tried to use a pillow and sleep but I always turn over on my side and sleep, sometimes with the sitting pillow as a back support or it ends up on the floor.

I told my therapist about the anger that I was feeling last night when the pain happened to get out of control. I really wanted to punch a wall. I was so done. I have no idea what will happen tonight if my pain returns when I try and sleep. I know part of the reason is because I thought I took my pain meds but I didn’t. I usually take them either before my night meds or after but because I was watching the game last night, things kind of didn’t follow my routine. I also now realize that I was on my feet more because I washed dishes before going up to bed. That could have been why the pain was so intense last night. I did them because my mother would flip if I left them for her in the morning.

I feel really sad that I got so suicidal last night and didn’t act on my feelings even though they were really strong. I think if the voices were not controlled I probably wouldn’t have stayed safe. I don’t know what I would do as most of my medication is three feet from me and I don’t think my foot would have allowed the journey, no matter how suicidal I was. I knew things would be better in the morning (even though technically it was morning) but I couldn’t see it. I had to do something and ended up doing nothing. I feel like a failure.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

Another Tuesday, another therapy session

I didn’t sleep too well last night. My neck was bothering me despite taking Ativan and pain meds for my ankle that didn’t want to settle down. I just could not get comfortable and when I did, I woke up with my neck hurting, which felt like every couple of hours. Around five, I had to go pee and did some shopping online, which somehow caused my bank to think there was fraudulent activity on my account. The purchases weren’t that big but all were made online, one right after the other. I had a list of things to buy when I got paid. And seeing as I was up, I figured I might as well purchase them. I took some more pain meds and went back to sleep for a few more hours.

My mother called me around 11 to tell me something. It’s a good thing she did otherwise I would have slept through my therapy appointment. That would not have been good. Though now looking back, I wish I had slept through the appointment. It was really boring and I was getting agitated because I really wanted to sleep and I obviously couldn’t. I didn’t feel like talking. She asked me so many questions about the psychosis and my appointment with my psychiatrist. I felt like I had to get away from her. She again asked me about negative symptoms. I feel them on and off. Lately I have been too depressed to feel it. I also been suicidal but I haven’t told anyone about those thoughts. I just don’t feel like talking about them.

She also asked about my pain levels and that is really when I got annoyed. We were talking about going out to see her and she basically said only if I am not in pain. HA, when am I not in pain?? I reserved the car anyways. Even though it’s going to be really humid tomorrow, I am going to go out to see her. I also want to get some new jean shorts. My current pair is getting worn out as I wear it all the time. It’s the only pair that I have that fit me. I had some camo pants but those, too, have been worn out. I haven’t bought summer clothes in a few years, since I have been out of work.

I’m not looking forward to the drive but at least it gets me out of the house. I went out today to get my coffee and an espresso drink. They didn’t have any seats at Starbucks so I got my coffee and left. I just caught the bus home. I am happy about that. Now I can have coffee whenever I want. I just hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and stay up. It will really suck to sleep really late tomorrow. I just have had no energy or desire to be up during the morning hours, or to be up in general. I am just so tired all the time. I thought it was because I was taking the benedryl but I haven’t taken that in the last few nights. My allergies haven’t been so bad the past two days. I think the heat is just making me tired, even though I am in an AC’d room. I just feel completely wiped out like I have done arduous labor.

I have been reading more of the book “the Cuckoo’s Calling”. Still nothing exciting happening and I don’t think anything is coming forth from the investigation. It’s really just a time killer if you ask me. I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s just really dull. I wish I could stop reading it but I’m one of those people that once they start a book, they have to finish it.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Pdoc appt and other things

I didn’t wake up in time to catch the 0950 bus despite setting my alarm. I pretty much woke up to shut it off and then went back to sleep. I should have set a second alarm in case that happened. Luckily, my mother called me at 1000 so I could catch the next bus. I had just enough time to get my latte and leave to catch the train.

My psychiatrist was running late. She always is but today was later than usual. The voices were getting unsettled. It was kind of weird being there in the waiting room while the voices were talking. I should have taken the trilafon before leaving the house but felt it was too early as I just woke up. We talked about side effects of the medication as it’s an older drug and she is comfortable with me taking it as long as it is helping me. She ordered an EKG today as it has been two years since my last one. I am just glad she didn’t order any blood work. I hate getting my blood drawn.

I am glad the bus home was late so I caught it and didn’t have to wait an hour. I went to Walgreens to pick up my scripts that were ready. I was sweating bullets by the time I reached my house. My shirt was soaking wet. I had to take it off because it was making me cold with the AC. The new shirt I put on I then ruined when I opened a can of tuna in oil. I hate when I do that. I try to be careful but today I wasn’t. Now I have oil stains on my shirt. Luckily it’s on the bottom half so it’s not so noticeable.

My mother is thinking of making a “lazy man’s mac and cheese”. Apparently she is thinking of making the pasta and then microwaving cheese on top of it. Whatever. Sounds good to me. I love pasta and cheese so it works for me. I feel like making coffee but it’s kind of late. I just feel so wiped out. The heat and humidity is awful. It was really humid around the hospital because the river is right there. I was drenched before I reached the station. My ankle started acting up on the way home. I knew it was going to because there is a threat of showers today. Plus I did extra walking and stairs today as I had to go from one building to another to get the EKG.

My refill of trilafon is still being processed. I hope it gets mailed out today or I am going to be screwed. I have only a few pills left. I should have expedited shipping. I normally wouldn’t worry about it but the voices have been annoying today so I might need a second dose. I wish I knew where my other pill container was that I carry around. I know there are some pills in there. I tried finding it last night but wasn’t successful. I hate being psychotic. I told my psych today that it’s getting worse as I get older to control. I told her that I was having delusions as far back as March 2015, even with the abilify so obviously the abilify lost its effectiveness and I really didn’t notice it. Course I am so used to the voices it’s hard to discern when they are troublesome and when they are “normal”.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments