midnightdemons7

I got up later than I wanted to. I had two cups of coffee and then I planned on shaving. But my bowels weren’t cooperating with me. I kept having to go so I would wait until my stomach calmed down. I went to my room and just played on my game. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower because I leaked. It’s also been more than a few days so I smell.

I need to read chapter 2 as a refresher. Exam is tomorrow. I am wicked nervous. I studied amino acids yesterday and read chapter 3.

I finally ate something today. I really didn’t eat yesterday or most of today. I really need to start drinking fluids before I get lightheaded and weak. I feel tired but I got to do some self-care stuff today. I don’t know what I want to wear.

I got therapy and class tomorrow. I need to pick up my meds tomorrow too. I sent my psychiatrist a message about how it has been going with the lower dose of latuda. I’ve just been more anxious. I kind of feel suicidal today. It’s been on the back burner for some reason. Now that we are at war, I am really despising my country. I am fearful of retaliation. This isn’t good. And I am so mad. I become more mad every day.

Day of surprises

I thought there would be a practice exam on the website so I checked today. I found out there were two homework assignments to be completed by tomorrow morning at 9am. WTF I got an email from the instructor that said what chapters were going to be on the exam and to not answer question related to DNA or carbohydrates. I am stressing out. Then I get an email from the bursar’s office telling me I owe $1500. I got a federal grant but the Mass grant that I got wasn’t applied to my account. I want to know why so I responded to the person. $1500 is a lot of money. I don’t know how I am going to pay it off.

I had therapy today. We talked about grief and my weird dreams. Near the end she asked if I was suicidal at all since we last met. I told her no. I honestly can’t remember if I have been or not. I know there was a night I was thinking about it but I don’t remember when that was. She also asked if she could talk to my DMH worker. I had to sign a release for her to talk to her. I don’t know if I have to do the same for my DMH worker. I will text her tomorrow and see what she says.

My surgeon’s office called me this morning again. It was for a follow up appt after surgery. She didn’t leave a time so I had to look it up. Thankfully it is in the afternoon. May is going to be a busy month. I told my therapist we might have to switch days as some Mondays I have appts.

Last night was not only weird because of the dreams I had, but I also woke up with pain in my butt. I had to have a bowel movement and it was so damn painful. I went another two times this afternoon and the last time gave me wicked nerve pain. I am still feeling it and it was a few hours ago. I hate when I am that constipated. The stools seem to be a little looser now and softer so hopefully the next time I go, it won’t hurt as much. I had to stop taking the senna because I didn’t want to go while I was out of the house.

I got to do the homework assignments tonight. I have been putting it off the last couple of hours. I am such a procrastinator.