I started slowly cleaning up one area of my room. I will try and do more tomorrow. I have a headache and am wicked tired. I had to move some stuff around which made things look worse than they are right now. I will figure it out tomorrow. I emptied one box of stuff. I have to get the empty boxes that are cluttering my room out. It will hopefully be done this week.
Other than the headache and tiredness, I am also feeling wicked sad and depressed. I seriously thought for more than a few minutes about suicide. I thought about acting on it. I technically still have the plan I made last year. I am not sure I will tell my therapist this just yet. I am going to base it off my upcoming doc appointment with my pcp.
I am cold. I had to shut off my ceiling fan. The wind is terrible today. I have therapy tomorrow. I was going to go into Boston to give my psychiatrist some paperwork for my disability but I don’t need to as my Medicare card can be used. I have a few appointments and I start the bereavement group this week. I just hope I am home in time for the meeting to start. I meet with my pcp that day and not sure if I will be home. Guess it depends on how it will go.
Sox had a day game and they lost. It was a pathetic game. Too many errors. I have nothing to do tonight so I might read if I don’t fall asleep between now and then. I tried to nap a few times but wasn’t able to. I just rested and froze under the covers. I had to put on PJs. Need to find my long sleeve tshirt.
I was up for a few hours during the night. The fucking birds started chirping at like 315. I was so angry. The noise was annoying. I don’t know how many birds there were. But every morning they are out there chirping away. I got some writing done in my journal.
I went back to sleep around 0400. My med alarm went off at 0800 and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I stayed in bed till 1030. I had told my brother in law I would go shopping between 1030 and 11. I didn’t get ready till 1130. I was slow moving. I was so damn tired. I looked on Amazon for some cheaper alternatives to iron supplements and found one for like 3 bucks. I don’t know if it is truly an iron supplement or a sugar pill but I will try it. Doc said it could take a month for things to change so will see.
I went shopping and bought everything I wanted except for steak. The steak looked thin and fatty so I didn’t get it. I will go to the butcher shop next week and get something. I did get burgers. They were on sale. I will make one after I write this blog, that is if I don’t fall asleep. I had two cups of coffee today and I am still dragging. I bought a veggie and fruit smoothie. It’s pretty good but smells awful. I just hold my nose, LOL. I also got baby spinach and ranch dressing so I can make a salad. I love eating baby spinach. I sometimes make it with scrambled eggs. It is so good.
Last night I was having a difficult time falling asleep. I kept thinking about my mother. Night time is so hard because I always used to hear out for her during the night. That is when her sugar could drop and I would be the one to find her in a not so well state. I also would hear if she fell. I have trained my ears so now that I no longer have to do this, it is hard to turn off. I spent so many years caring for my mother despite her bad treatment of me. I took care of her even when I hated her. It was difficult but someone had to care for her.
I am very tired and don’t think I will be making the burger. I just want to sleep. Game is going on now. We are losing due to errors. UGH we need a better shortstop.
I woke up when dawn hit my window. It got really bright in my room because I have the window open. I just turned over and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I just stayed in bed till around 1130. I made two cups of coffee and contemplated what time to get dressed for my appointment. It is hot out so I debated wearing a tank top but I didn’t want to expose my scars to sunlight so opted for the tshirt.
I missed the shuttle because they moved it again and I didn’t know where it was. I walked to the office. I saw a resident doc and she examined me. She thinks my blood counts might be low causing the fatigue so she is checking it again. I asked for my kidneys to be checked because of the weakness I have been feeling. I was so tired at the appointment. I just wanted to sleep. I took my time walking back to the station afterwards. I was glad I brought a Gatorade with me as I was thirsty. I haven’t eaten today and doesn’t look like I am going to. I am just not hungry. I talked about this with my pcp who checked in with me after I had my blood drawn. I see her next week as a follow up. I need to get my pain looked at. It will be the first time she will be able to look at my ankle since the CRPS has returned. It’s not every day I need the pain meds just like every few days or so. The gabapentin works for the nerve pain aspect of the CRPS but not the physical pain I sometimes get. I hope she doesn’t want me to see a pain doc as that is just useless.
My lab results just came in. Looks like I am anemic. The doc I saw today prescribed me some iron tablets but it isn’t covered by my insurance. I will have to look to see the OTC formula. I hate taking iron tablets because they make me constipated. The doc said I don’t have to take it every day but with my memory, it will be hard to take it every other day. I will find out Monday if I can take the slow release form every other day and then I will get that. It’s expensive though at like 15 bucks for a 60 day supply. I plan on going to the grocery store tomorrow to get some beets and spinach along with some steak if it looks good and not grizzly. Might pick up some burgers, too. I love the Bubba brand that has onions in it. My barber was telling me about them and they are indeed good. I sometimes make them with turkey bacon. Makes a good burger.
Thunderstorms have postponed the game. My pain is up. Ankle is killing me and again, I have nothing to take for it. I saw the pcp today. I will see her next week to discuss. Just sucks. CRPS is not something you can ignore.
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