pens and nerve pain

Pens and nerve pain

The other night I couldn’t sleep because of pain. It was like three in the morning so I went shopping on Amazon for pens. They didn’t have the ones I was looking for and I ended up buying like $50 worth. There were like 5 or 6 different kinds of pens, all black ink but the same brand that I like, Uniball Jetstream. They were supposed to come today but there was a delay for some reason. Now I don’t know when I am going to get them. I ordered some more pens the next day, different colors this time and fine point. I usually go for medium point but I liked the style and the colors so I got them. I am crazy about these pens.

The past several hours, I have been dealing with nerve pain in my foot. I had physical pain in my ankle. Then it moved to my foot and it changed to burning. I felt the bottom of my foot where it hurts the most to see if it was hot. It wasn’t. It hurt to touch it. I took a large dose of Neurontin. Hopefully I can sleep through the night.

I was talking with a friend via text about different things. We both suffer from depression so were exchanging our troubles. We both love the Star Trek universe. It was fun talking to him. I told him I recently bought the Star Trek: The Next Gen complete series. I still haven’t watched a single episode. I am not going to watch the pilot episode, Encounter at Farpoint because it’s lame and I have seen it a million times. I keep meaning to watch it but I am still scared of dissociating or the voices coming back to haunt me.

Speaking of Star Trek, Canada has or will be coming out with new Star Trek stamps. I will buy them when I find out when they come out. I bought the first set. It will be cool to get the second set. It’s of the entire Universe so it doesn’t focus on the Original series. I think the movies might be in this collection but I am not sure. From what I saw in the promo pic was the captains of each series. It will be cool to have them.

My foot is giving me grief so bad right now. I can’t stand it. I just hurt so bad. I already took a strong pain pill and my regular pain meds. I shouldn’t be in pain or at least, I should be sleeping. I might have to take an Ativan to relax as I am getting keyed up because of the pain. It’s just annoying me and I can’t settle down.

Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets, which will be an all day affair. Of course, it all depends on if I am awake enough to do it. Usually when I am up late, like I am now, I am sleepy for most of the day, no matter how much caffeine I drink.

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Saturday Blog 82

Saturday Blog 82

I realized last night that I forgot to buy my monthly T-pass yesterday while I was out. I headed to the square and got my espresso. I decided to bring a book with me and read for a while. I noticed there were shuttle buses going to Harvard and was kicking myself. I couldn’t get my T-pass at the Square. I finished my chapter and then took a bus to another station. You can only get the pass at train stations. While waiting for the bus, I bumped into a former co-worker in the lab and we chatted for a bit. She just retired and I congratulated her on it. She is a really nice lady.

I took the bus and it made every fricken stop along the route. I was getting aggravated. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home and eat. I decided I was going to take the train home because it would be easier bus wise.

I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday. I was in horrible pain for most of the afternoon and evening. I did too much walking around and will not be going back to the mall any time soon, unless I have a ride. My sister freaked out because I spent so much on my prescription sunglasses. I told her because I have the progressive lenses, they cost a lot. She didn’t get it. Least I have it for the summer. I really love the frames. I wore my one of my new hats today. It’s 80 degrees out so it came in handy to block the sun.

Now that I am home, I am kind of hurting. I really didn’t do much walking around or standing. So frustrating that I can do the slightest activity and then hurt afterwards. It really depresses me. As I was telling my psychiatrist yesterday, I have a hard time just laying low all the time and sometimes even if I do, it will bring on a flare. I made dinner for my mother and I. Now I am exhausted and want to go to bed but it’s only 1830. Sox are losing. They gave up the lead so I am pissed. I just would like to have at least two games in a row won. It doesn’t seem like they will ever have a winning streak, but it’s still early in the season. Maybe April is not their month. I know it’s not mine.

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being cussed at by a limb is not fun

Being cussed at by a limb is not fun

I did a lot of walking today. I went to the Square Starbucks for breakfast. Then I waited to catch the bus to the mall. I had a walk from the station to the mall and then had to walk towards the end of it to go to Lenscrafters. I wanted to get a pair of prescription sunglasses. It cost me a lot of dough but they were made within an hour and a half and I trust the quality. I am really happy with them.

I went shopping at TJ Maxx for pillows and I found two that seem adequate. As I was walking to the checkout, which was at the other end of the store, I saw some Sox T-shirts and got one. I walked to the Starbucks for a black tea lemonade while I waited for my glasses to be ready. I also went to the hat store and bought two new Sox hats. I feel like I am spoiling myself as I keep buying myself things. My wallet is suffering but I don’t care. Once the glasses were ready, I couldn’t decide if I wanted a cab home, take the train or take the bus. I opted to take the bus and then a cab home because the next bus wasn’t for 45 minutes and I didn’t feel like waiting. Plus I was hungry.

I walked home because it was cheaper to be let off at Walgreens than to take me home. I carried my stuff home and upstairs and I was exhausted. I made my ribs and wanted to nap afterwards but I needed to page my psych for a check in. I am still waiting for her to call me back. By this time, my ankle started swearing at me and then my foot and ankle exploded. All the bones on the outer part of my ankle/foot are throbbing intensely. I just want to sleep. I got hit with a migraine on the way to the mall so I am really needing a nap.

It was really warm today so I wore shorts. Surprisingly, my room is cool so I turned off the ceiling fan. I hope my psych calls soon because I really want to take a nap. I already called my mother to tell her I won’t be having dinner with her tonight because my ankle/foot are swearing at me. I just did too much in a few short hours. I won’t be going back to the mall anytime soon.

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distraction writing

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

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Nice day and better mood

Nice day and better mood

Yesterday I was swimming in despair and today I felt like I was on top of the world. It’s like night and day. Unreal. I hope my mood stays up. I really don’t want another low low. I went out twice today. I went to the post office and was dressed to warmly. I came home and changed to shorts and then caught the next bus to the square. I had a caramel macchiato and a java chip frap. I was going to work on my blog project but my mind was all over the place. I mostly just wrote in my journal.

It’s a BAD thing to have the Amazon app on my phone. Last night I had a hard time sleeping despite being drowsy around 2130. Around 0300 I am buying pens. I must have bought seven different kinds of pens, all the same ink, all the same brand but different points. I wanted to replace the Jetstream sport pen that I bought but I couldn’t find it. I have only 2 pens left in the box. I write a lot with them. I try alternating my pens so that each has their fair share of writing but I have favorites so I might use one pen style more than the other. I really like the sport. I am going to have to Google it to find it.

After Starbucks, I went to the butcher’s shop to buy some burgers and fish. My mother wanted fish for tomorrow so I got it. She might not be happy with the price but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I had cod and I want it. It’s my money anyway. I paid like eight bucks for it so it wasn’t that expensive.

I wanted to have ribs today but I just couldn’t bring myself to make it. I had a frozen dinner instead. I had bought two packages of ribs because they were on sale. I’ll probably make it tomorrow. I bought the burgers for the weekend. Maybe I can bribe my nephew over and we can watch the game while eating them.

I feel like a shitbag because I haven’t finished my blog project. I haven’t touched it in over a week now. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s not that difficult but I just can’t find the motivation to read and take notes. I guess when you have these self made projects with no one giving you a deadline or pushing you but you it’s hard to do. I am going to try tomorrow but I am not sure. It’s supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and I want to go to my spot to see if I can walk there and back. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon for a check in. Hope my mood stays up so I can do things.

Last night as I was feeling kind of low, I decided to buy the complete series of Star Trek: the Next Generation. I think it will do me good to watch the show again. I really miss the distraction it provides. I just hope I don’t dissociate or the voices become out of control. That was one of the reasons why I had to stop watching the show, it made me psychotic and delusional. But it’s been years since I have watched it so I am hoping nothing will happen again. It might just feel like coming home. I miss the show so much. It was the first show where I knew all the actors and actresses by name and character. I had a crew picture on my wall in my bedroom as a teen when the show first came out. I also read the books. I had a pretty good collection going, my favorite authors being Peter David and Michael Jan Friedman. The other authors weren’t as good and were hard to read or were just plain boring. I actually had the pleasure of meeting Peter David at a con in Boston some years ago. He is pretty funny.

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