midnightdemons7

Exile and baseball

I love the song Exile by Taylor. I don’t know what it is about it that I love. Just good vibes and lyrics. I listened to the baseball game today until the app cut out at the bottom of the 8^th. We won 6-3.

I took a shower. I feel a little better. I was in such despair for a little bit more than a half hour. I wanted to end things so bad. I have been getting more and more psychache lately. I don’t know why. It is like all the negative feelings are hitting me more powerfully. It’s next to impossible to feel joy or pleasure. I have some happiness with the puppy but not all the time. I feel sad most of the time.

I did my med boxes for the week. I am out of two meds. I had to ask my pcp for refills as I have none left. I will pick them up on Tues. I got to get my migraine med, too. Lowering the Depakote didn’t work for the tremors I have been having. I think lowering the dose actually increased the shakes. I think it is nerve related.

I have therapy tomorrow. Only other appt this week is with my DMH worker, unless I am able to see my therapist for another appt. Hopefully my bitch sister goes to work tomorrow so I can be in the kitchen for our session or in my niece’s room with the puppy. The pup has taken a liking to me and will cuddle me. I am loving it. I slept with her last night. She was a bed hog though. I had to push her in the bed so I could have some room. I didn’t sleep too good last night. It took forever for me to try and fall asleep in my bed. Then I gave up and went downstairs to the puppy. I had some weird dreams. I don’t remember what they were about now.

I still haven’t gotten grades yet. Hopefully tomorrow I will find out when we will get them during class. I got to read one chapter tonight to get ahead. I did the pre lab so I don’t have to worry about that.

I was reading a book on suicide last night and something clicked with me. I am going to share it with my therapist tomorrow. It is about decision making. He talked about how DBT and CBTSP were the top treatments for suicidal thoughts and behaviors. With DBT, you have to think about what to use as your skill set. Same with CBTSP. It is applying the brakes to your thinking. Like today, I was in total despair and just wanted to take the pills for it to be over with. But I knew the feelings would pass. I just had to ride them out. I did not act on what I was feeling. I let them be. Not saying this works all the time, but it did today. Sometimes I need something else to get through tough feelings. It all depends on what I am going through.

Saturday Blog 21032026

I tried sleeping with the pup last night but her daddy came and took her. I then tried to sleep in my bed and all I did was toss and turn. I couldn’t fall asleep for nothing. I then had dreams that gave me headaches when I did eventually fall asleep. It just made for a slow day today. I had a cup of coffee and some cornbread. I haven’t been too hungry lately.

My oldest niece came by so I went downstairs to see her. My sister, her, and my cousin are planning a trip to Italy. They are visiting all the places throughout the country. I don’t know if they will see my cousins there or not.

I came back upstairs and needed a nap. I feel so tired. I rested for about an hour. Honey came home. I was happy about that. I feel so blah today. I want to shower but my sister is washing the curtains. I feel so dead inside. My chest hurts. There is a pressure in the middle. I’ve had it before so I know it is not cardiac. I just feel so depressed. I wish I was dead. I thought about OD’g again. I don’t have the energy to follow through with it though. Everything is a struggle right now.

It’s cold today and the wind is making it colder. I had to put on a long sleeve shirt. Supposed to rain tomorrow and possibly snow Mon. Going to be fun going home on Monday night from class. I will be sure to wear my jacket so I don’t freeze. I know I am probably tired because of the weight loss drug. The first few days are always tough adjusting to it.

I got to do some reading today for school. I have been putting it off all week. I wish my head didn’t feel so foggy and sleepy. Think I will rest for a half hour and then hit the books. Give the Robaxin time to work on this chest pressure.

I had an advising appt at 1 so I had planned to be up around 1130 so I could have coffee. 1230 came and I was still in bed. I just couldn’t get up. I logged on my laptop and checked email and stuff before the appt.

The appt went well. As long as I take 6 credits for the next year, a summer course, and a 1 credit course, I could graduated spring of 28.

After the appt I brushed my teeth and made coffee. I also petted the pup. I wasn’t hungry. Today was weight loss drug day. I lost 2 lbs. I am just under 200 but not by much. Immediately after the shot, my stomach got upset. I just had one cup of coffee and then I snoozed with the puppy.

I did a lot of walking yesterday as I went grocery shopping and picked up my meds. I didn’t eat but I made sure I drank. Today is a little harder keeping up with fluids as I am so tired. I snoozed for a bit this afternoon. I decided to make a tuna sandwich if we had bread. We did. I forgot to buy hamburger rolls for my chicken sandwiches.

My sister wants me to come down but I got a pup on my foot. She has been cuddly lately. I love it. I might have to sleep with her tonight if my niece doesn’t come home. My niece likes to take off on weekends.

I am having the most difficult time sleeping lately. I just stay awake for hours before I finally fall asleep around 3 or 4 am. Last night it was around 5. My feet were ice cold so that didn’t help. By the time they warmed up, I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I still haven’t gotten my grades back. I am so nervous I didn’t do well. I got to read a chapter tonight. Classes begin again Mon. Only a month and a half left in the semester.

In this kind of mood today