just another day of pain

I’ve been having not so good a day. I woke up late, around 11 after going to bed around 0230 because of pain. I was in a rotten mood. I had eight straight hours of intense pain and I was losing my mind. Last night, a few hours after I took my night meds, I started to feel nauseous. It has been happening the last few nights so I will be decreasing the Zoloft to 100 mg starting tonight. I emailed my psych about this but haven’t heard back from her.

I was able to shower and brush my teeth. My ankle started hurting really bad after I washed up. It was difficult to get dried off and dressed. I didn’t bring down my PJs or my glasses or my phone, so I had to go up to my room to get it. I didn’t want to be walking around in my boxers as it’s cold out today. When I got these things, I made lunch, which further stressed my ankle. I took breaks but my ankle didn’t care.

After I ate, I got my laptop and my special screwdriver tools to see the connection and part number for my laptop screen. I was able to remove the sucker but had a hard time putting it back! Fucking thing. I had to watch a YouTube video to find out where the pins went in. I was able to put it back and then I turn on my laptop. The screen was worse than it was before. FUCK. I tried moving the lid to see if that helped and that just made it worse. So now I am using my older laptop. I will be using this until I am able to buy another screen next week. I hope that with me playing with the connector I didn’t damage it.

I decided to make coffee and used too much water. Coffee didn’t taste good. Then the brace clinic called. Their next available is Nov 28th. Not like I need the brace NOW or anything. This just topped my day. And of course, when I came back to my room, my ankle bone and the tendons under it flared up. I am in so much pain. I have been using the app the PT told me to use. I have been finding that I do poorly when my pain is high but I do better when it’s medium or low. So when my pain is high, I am not going to use it. I am so disgusted with being in pain all the time. I can’t wait till Thursday when I see my PCP. I am going to demand being put on a longer acting med so I can get some relief at night. If he doesn’t do it, I am going to end it. I can’t go on like this. It’s maddening. Draining all hope, making me fatigued, can’t socialize with friends. What kind of life is that?

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lost track of the pain days

Lost track of the pain days

Seems the days I have been in pain have been endless. The only time I am not in pain is when I am sleeping, and even that is broken up when my pain meds wear off. I could not get going today. I had woken up around 0330 and struggled to get back to sleep after taking pain meds. I really didn’t want to go to therapy, hell, I didn’t want to leave the house but I went. And I am glad I did. He listened and validated my feelings. He said that I am more overwhelmed than hopeless, which I am having some difficulty understanding. I needed his reassurance I wasn’t hopeless and he said he doesn’t work with hopeless people. That helped.

Before time was up, my ankle flared up. And I was dreading going home. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving his office because the damn train was delayed, which meant I wasn’t going to catch the 1710 bus. My bladder was not happy with me at all. Oh well. The temps never got as high as they said they were going to. In fact, the temp dropped as the day wore on. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt but walking around made me hot and I was sweating a lot by the time I came home. I could really use a shower but my foot is hurting too much. I will try and take it tomorrow morning when I know my pain levels are down, or at least should be until I start moving around.

I had made a bacon and egg burrito for my lunch. It was very filling and I am not hungry to have supper. If I am later this evening, I will just have a bowl of cereal as my go to, or some oatmeal. I can’t wait to buy some overnight oats next week when I place my grocery order. I am trying to keep the order less than $200. It’s not easy because I’ll want something ordered and then delete it when my craving goes away.

I went off on Facebook this morning because someone keeps reporting me after I post being depressed, suicidal, or having bad thoughts. I have no idea who this person is as the reporting is anonymous. Just pisses me off because I am shut off from my account until I basically say I am okay, I don’t need to call someone. Hell, I have the numbers in my phone if I want to talk to someone as well as my Facebook friends, which did respond to the post, like this asshole could have done. I feel like I am being prosecuted for having suicidal feelings all the time and that talking about them is bad, when it shouldn’t be this way. It helps me to express my feelings of being suicidal. Holding them in is just bad news and makes me more likely to want to act when I feel that way. I just wish people would talk rather than be jerks about it. Obviously, they don’t know me as I have been posting suicidal messages for years now and guess what, I am still here. It helps me cope with the intensity of the moment. I know it will pass, it usually does. It’s worst at night because I want to sleep, I am exhausted, and I am just more vulnerable but can’t sleep for whatever reason, usually pain. My damn physical pain gets intolerable and death would be so welcome at the particular time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this nerve injury that is not going to get better and may get worse. I have stopped using CRPS tags and hashtags because that is not what I have. I would have felt better knowing I did have CRPS because then I knew what was involved. I just don’t know what this nerve injury is going to involve but now that it’s affecting the bones in my ankle and foot, it doesn’t look good. I also know that since it’s been 7 years since the injury and it’s has gotten worse instead of better, the nerve is not likely to recover. That is such a severe blow to me. So my suicidality is peaking right now because of the hopelessness of knowing this. I am not going to get better, ever. That is a hard pill to swallow.

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Painful Sunday, too

Painful Sunday too

Not having a good day. Woke up with my ankle screaming, particularly my ankle bone. Took some meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Went back up to my room where the pain then spread from the bone down to my pinky toe. I took an Ativan and a strong pain pill and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I got hungry around 11 so I carefully went downstairs to have a bowl of cereal. I then made a cup of tea as I didn’t have anymore half and half. The one I had had gone bad and there was no way of me going to the store in my painful state. I texted my brother in law and asked if he was going to the grocery store, to pick me up a quart of it. He said ok. I was grateful.

I brought the tea back up to my room and just read Twitter. The game was on and there were a lot of tweets about it. Then my feed got filled with news about Nebraska hiring a new athletic director. I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or not or what it would mean for Mike Riley, their football coach. The Huskers are having a horrible season. Riley has been with them for the last three years. They have not had rankings or championship games for a while now.

The Pats won and I was happy. Brady, our quarterback was not happy that he had a helmet to helmet hit that wasn’t called. I don’t blame him. That is how you get brain injuries. I am glad they won. After the game, I went downstairs for dinner. I was going to have sliders but my mom made pancakes. I wanted to make them today but couldn’t because of pain. I scored! I had three or four of them before my mother yelled at me. She thought I was going to eat the whole plate, LOL. That would be too many for me. I finished the one I was eating, washed my hands, and then went upstairs again.

Pain shot out of the woodwork. My bones in my foot were now hurting. I took some more pain meds. I cried because I am in such pain I just want to die. I seriously was going over my plan, except I changed the location of where I would do it, again. I thought of calling my psychiatrist but she would only tell me to go to the hospital and what are they going to do besides aggravate me? I tried to get into BPDChat but they were talking about emotions and I just couldn’t deal. I was in a bad place and didn’t want to contribute or talk about how I was feeling. I always get ignored anyway. I haven’t attended chat in quite some time. I just am not up for it or I forget about the time.

I had emailed my PT about how I was not able to do all that she wanted me to do because of pain. Today I used the app and did poorly on it. I just can’t focus. I also told her I was feeling hopeless about everything and not sure if PT is going to help me. I’ll still go but not quite sure how it is going to help seeing as a nerve injury is not something you bounce back from right away like a sprain or a broken bone. I still am trying to wrap my head around this. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully talking it out helps me a little bit. I know he isn’t going be suggesting things or anything. It’s just not his style, which is pissing me off. I wish he would validate what I say I little more. I just want to be heard and understood. Is that so terrible?

I emailed a friend to see how she was doing and I found out she is off social media sites so the best way to contact her is email. She is doing well, which I was happy to hear. I told her I was thinking of using Kratom as a pain relief med and she gave me the pros and cons of it. The sucky part is that it’s not in pill form. It’s a powder that is very bitter and that you need to sweeten to swallow it and drink fluid with. There is also a lot of trial and error with it as the dose varies from person to person. Great. Not something I am into then. She told me about cannabis and how it is helping her as an edible. I don’t want that either so I guess I will stick with what I have.

I’ve been thinking of my father today. I was tempted to call my sister to see if he was coming over today. Then I remembered he is no longer with us and I was sad. The other day when I was coming home from PT, the bus drove by his apartment building. It stung. He has been on my mind ever since.

Ok my laptop is driving me crazy with the stupid screen. Next week can’t come soon enough. I only have one appt next week (other than therapy) and I can order my new screen and hope it solves the problem. Otherwise I am screwed!

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hurting Saturday

Hurting Saturday

I woke up at 6 in pain. The ankle brace I was wearing was digging into me. I took some meds and then went back to sleep, not caring if I never woke up again. Unfortunately, I did, around 1300. It hurt to move my ankle. I took some pain meds and went downstairs. I thought about brushing my teeth but I was going to eat so what would be the point. My mother had made some fried eggplant so I had some of that and then a bowl of cocoa pebbles. Then I made Hawaiian coffee. It was perfect, even if I was in pain.

I thought about reading a book when I went back upstairs to my room, but read Twitter instead. Someone on Facebook posted a pic of a response to Cheeto’s “Merry Christmas” campaign. I tweeted the pic to the jerk. I really detest him and hate Congress more for keeping him where he is instead of getting rid of him before he causes a war.

The music in my head got really loud. I emailed my psych again, saying I think it is dependent on my pain levels because I have noticed that when I am in a lot of pain, the music is louder than it normally is. I played my new favorite album by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. I had his new single, Round Here Buzz, on repeat. I love this song. I was so happy to hear it on the radio the other day. Now I just hope they release “Mixed drinks about feelings”. Love that song too. There really isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like. I have listened to it for days when I first bought it. The music is so good.

I am really tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to keep track of the OSU/NEB game tonight. It’s going to be hard to watch because I love both teams. But I have a feeling NEB is going to get crushed. OSU is just a really good team.

Going to lie down and hope this pain goes away. If this is a nerve injury, then I think my nerve is shocking my bones really bad right now. It’s so painful. I put lidocaine on and it didn’t do anything. I am so upset over this. The last few days I have been in such a bad mood. Feeling hopeless is the worst of it. I just want to die. I don’t see a reason to go on. What is the point? More pain?

Monday I have therapy. I really don’t want to go. I just don’t see the point. Course, I don’t see the point in anything right now. I just keep on going and not quite sure where I am going.

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pain, pdoc appt, and other things

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.

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