Random thoughts 05082020
I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.
I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.
Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.
I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.
I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.
you wrecked my whole world when you came
The title is from Luke Combs Hurricane song. I have been listening to it on repeat because he got married yesterday to his long time girlfriend. I am so damn happy for him.
I don’t know what is going on with my stomach but I got the fricken runs for the third day in a row. I have been trying to keep up with Powerade but it has been tough trying to drink. I have been trying to drink every twenty minutes or so but I keep forgetting. I think I got to put a timer on so I can stay hydrated. I really don’t want to go to the ED for dehydration.
I had therapy today. She gave me a list of three things to do before our next appointment this week. I know she is concerned now because she is seeing me twice this week. I am to make a playlist, a puppy/kitten slideshow, and eat chocolate. I don’t have chocolate so I will have to buy some when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. My NP has agreed to put me back on sertraline for now. I just hope it doesn’t make me sick. I figure I have at least two months before the nausea/reflux will start. I haven’t told my therapist yet. I will when I see her on Thurs.
After therapy I went to the Square. I stopped in Starbucks for a drink. I got a cloud caramel macchiato. It was so good. Then I went to the butcher shop to get steak and burgers. If I feel up to it, I will make turkey bacon for my burger. I don’t think I have sandwich pickles anymore. I miss having them for the burgers. I will use dill relish instead. Not the same but close to it.
I have been dealing with a low key depression since therapy. I just feel deflated, like all the air has been sucked out of me. Doesn’t help that I keep having anxiety attacks where I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to remember to breathe by taking deep breaths. One of the mental health Twitter accounts I follow showed the box breathing method that my therapist showed me a few weeks ago. I have been using it on and off. It is kind of tricky because you got to hold the inhale and exhale breaths for four seconds. I half want to take an Ativan to calm myself but I don’t want to be medicated during the day.
Sox are off tonight. They lost last night because of my *favorite* pitcher fucked up a pitch to the fugly Aaron Judge. He was so hot last night. He hit two homeruns and got a few more hits. I hate the Skankees so much. They swept us.
I got to find a meditation thing that I like. The last two that I have tried I didn’t like and I know there are thousands so I just got to keep searching. It is so hard though when you are struggling to try and find something because it just gets annoying. I rather listen to music anyway than do meditation.
Saturday Blog 01082020
Rabbits! Rabbits! It’s the first of the month and I am not sure why people say rabbits, I was told once but since forgot. So I am saying it in case it will bring me luck this month. I haven’t done anything today but sleep. I just have been so tired. I slept good last night so I don’t understand why I am so tired. I didn’t eat much today. I just had graham cracker cereal. It is all I really wanted today. I might make a burger. I don’t know yet. I might make turkey bacon instead. I haven’t had it in a while.
I am feeling tired and depressed. I don’t feel like doing much and I am so stressed out about the upcoming surgery. I have been having anxiety attacks all day because of the stress. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I’ve been clenching my teeth as all of them have been hurting me. I wish there was something I could take for the pain but there isn’t.
I need to shave again. I have decided not to let my beard grow in. I like it when I clean shaven. I just need to trim my mustache. That is the only hard part because I am not skilled in doing it. Hopefully it will come with practice.
I slept all day and I feel like I can go back to sleep. I am trying to stay up for a bit so that I can go to sleep when I take my meds. I feel so disgusting. My stomach is bothering me and not sure why. It has been hurting for the past two days. I know it cannot be because of constipation because my bowels emptied the other day and then I got diarrhea.
Monday I got to call PT and change the appointment to a virtual visit. I really don’t want to go but I got to do something while I am waiting for surgery. I ordered Chinese food because I wanted it. I really don’t feel like cooking.
I got Taylor Swift’s album stuck in my head. I might hear it after I have supper.
A little of this and that
I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.
I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.
I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.
I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.
I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.
My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.