midnightdemons7

I am listening to 90s alternative music. I can’t stop listening to it. I am in agony, full blown despair. Psychache is unbearable. I keep thinking of death. I regret living after my 2022 suicide attempt. I am so discourage with everything right now. I hate having depression. Who knows maybe I could have been a doctor like I wanted to be. Or maybe the MD/PhD i thought about doing. But physical illness and my dumb stupid mental illness got in the way.

I keep thinking of ending it. I want to but I don’t know when. And with my surgery happening so soon after the semester ends won’t be good. Thoughts keep going around and around. I am so useless and dumb. I am so disgusted with myself. I hate that I am so fat. I hate that my intelligence has gone by the way side. Things used to be so easy for me. Now I am struggling. No one knows I am drowning. I am hiding myself pretty well. I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright. Living inside my own confusion. Those are the lyrics to Lost by Linkin Park. I listened to Numb and had to listen to Meteora. From the inside is another good song. The whole album has the feels.

It’s almost 3am. I am so tired. My body hurts. Back has flared up and so has my chest muscles. And my feet keep cramping on me. It is kind of cold in my room as the wind has picked up. I am debating putting on a long sleeve shirt.

I still can’t believe I’ve misplaced my med box. It has to be in my room. Pisses me off.

Hard day

I tried to get up this morning to attend lab but I just couldn’t get up. I stayed in bed till around 11am. I took my meds and then made coffee. The puppy was here with daddy. She was fine until he left. Then I became second news. I made a breakfast sandwich. Then made a second cup of coffee, which killed my stomach. Puppy was sleeping on the floor so I went back to my room. I laid down and the thought was to leave at 2 so I had a chance of meeting the teacher for her office hours and also pick up my meds. 130pm rolled around and I still haven’t brushed my teeth or shaved so leaving at 2 was not going to happen. Around 2 I finally brushed my teeth and shaved. I was seriously debating going to class but I figured, I was going to be out so I might as well try to attend class. I left at three and caught the bus 15 minutes later.

I got my meds and then went to the station. I paid for my monthly pass and then went to the platform. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to campus around 430pm. I had an hour to kill so I printed off some slides for class. One slide was nearly 100 pages. I focused on the study guide. It was review for me as I read it. I didn’t do meiosis, which was what the class was about tonight.

I finally made the 730pm bus home. There were no delays on the red line. I couldn’t believe it. I went home and I was exhausted. I didn’t eat as my stomach was still upset so I had an ensure. Only problem was, I couldn’t find my med box for my night meds. They like to play hide and seek. Well, tonight they are hiding pretty well. I took stuff off the bed and still couldn’t find them. I have no idea where the fuck they are. I thought maybe they fell in my bag, but nope not there. So I am going without meds tonight. I could just make up another round but I don’t fucking feel like it.

On the way home, it felt like I had to pee but I didn’t. I was leaking though. I came home to pee but there wasn’t much to pee. I didn’t drink that much and I peed when I got to campus as I forgot to go before I left. Just weird. I haven’t had a BM in almost a week. I haven’t been taking senna since I have to go out.

I am going to re-read the Mendel chapter. I have been meaning to do it all week and usually by 8pm I am toast. I have a little energy left. Hopefully it will take my mind off where my meds went so I can sleep. I am really upset I cannot find that box.

CRPS flare and no sleep

Last night I went to bed a little late and soon after I laid down, it felt like someone was stabbing me in my ankle joint. The pain wouldn’t subside, at all. I took a pain med and it caused me to be up all night. I didn’t go to sleep till around 7am and only slept for a few hours. I had to be up because of therapy. I nearly fell asleep a few times. Needless to say I didn’t go to class today. I was able to do my hair though. I am all shaved off.

Therapy went ok. We talked about psychache and how it affects my suicidality. She asked if I contacted a crisis line and I said no. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I just sent her a blog post I wrote about psychache theory. I hope it helps her. She wanted to see me again this week because we talked so much about heavy stuff. I told her how I could just end my life and not really have a reason. But I don’t want to do anything now as classes are important to me.

I am listening to the first night ball game. The Sox are in Houston playing the Astros. New pitcher is pitching for Sox.

I haven’t really ate much today. I wasn’t really hungry. My sister made raviolis and meatballs. I had one meatball and like 5 raviolis. I was full. I had a little piece of cheesecake and that sent my stomach to overfull. My stomach has been bothering me. I haven’t had a BM in a few days so that maybe why. I have been trying different things as taking the senna and magnesium will give me the runs for some reason. I don’t want to take the senna when I know I will be out. I hate using public bathrooms to poop.

I never made it out today and the weather was nice. Tomorrow there is some calls for storms, which is probably why the CRPS flared up last night. I feel so sleepy. I don’t know if I am going to listen to all 9 innings. Sox are down by 1.