In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever watched?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever watched?

It would have to be a movie in which Wil Wheaton played but I forget the title of the movie. All I remember is that the tomatoes on the farm got monstrous. It was so weird.

Tell us about your morning routine…

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Tell us about your morning routine.

I don’t have one as i am usually never up in the morning. Though when I am up in the afternoon, I brushed my teeth and then have coffee. Might have something to eat with it. Depends if I am hungry or not or in the mood to make something, usually eggs.

rest day 08102026

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Rest day

I had a difficult time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up like every two hours all night. I didn’t get up till around 1pm and I made something to eat and had my coffee. I was still hungry so I made some tater tots and then another cup of coffee. I went back to my room to do some school work but instead I took a long nap. I didn’t get up again till around 6.

I made something to eat and checked my messages on my phone. I had a text from my niece but responded too late. I was feeling really shitty and tired. I didn’t think I was going to be up. I thought I would eat and then go back to bed but I started reading some stuff for my networking class and I am still up. It was an interesting article about transitions. I enjoyed it as there are so many transitions you go through life in. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this. I have to read the powerpoint thing again. I read the next thing and it was about the website LinkedIn. I have a LinkedIn acct I made years ago. I have no touched it since I made it. I guess I need to update it some.

I am still in pain with my leg. My calf is the worst. I also got a slight headache but I think that is because I am tired. I did a lot of walking yesterday. It wore me out. I am glad I have rest days.

I got an email from my advisor saying it was time to think about registration for the spring. I picked out my classes and unfortunately, this means I will be on campus four days a week. That is going to be rough on me. I think the class times are the same or close to it. I am taking my 400 level psych class and another history class with the same professor.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent her one of the articles I was reading today as it was good. I am glad she is open to things I send her. The other day I was triggered by something in the news and I want to talk about it but I don’t. It is not something I like to talk about. I hate that the news brings up stuff all the time.