Post Op day 12
I am still not feeling up for much these days. I find that I am tired and don’t want to do anything. Occupational therapy came today and I hated the whole thing. She was late so I was waiting around for her. Normally I wouldn’t mind but I was tired and just wanted to lay down. Then she was talking about routines and shit and I am like I am still recovering. I am not that far from surgery. Slow the fuck down already. Just because you want to Netflix all day doesn’t mean I do. I actually don’t have a show I watch these days anyways. I still have been trying to get into Picard but it is hard because it brings up memories of the way things used to be. I can’t describe it more than that. I don’t have the words to.
Last night I felt devastated and I am still feeling this way. I am debating on texting my therapist but at the same time I don’t want to say it in a text what I feel because it is too long of a text to explain things. I just attempted to explain it to her but we’ll see. Maybe she has a way of telling me how to deal with this. I don’t talk to her again till next week. That is a long time to go with feeling like this. I hate that this is because of bathroom issues. I feel like things would have been okay if yesterday was a normal thing but instead it is my new normal for now and I don’t know how to deal with it. I know I might recover from this but right now it just feels like it isn’t going to happen. I talked to a friend and she said that after her surgery she was numb and has been since. I didn’t find this comforting.
I got to lay down again. This sitting up and then having to lay down really sucks. I can only seem to type for a little bit before I hit bottom. I hope this is just a temporary thing. I just wish I could speed things along but I can’t. Just got to take it day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Last night I found that I couldn’t do two flights of stairs in one day. I am craving a piece of rum cake from my brother in law’s party but I don’t want to tax myself. I would have to go to his apt to get the cake and that is two flights of stairs and I am not ready for that again.
Last night I also did my med box for week. It took me a little bit longer to do even if I was sitting. I am glad it is done so I don’t have to worry about missing meds. I do have a couple of refills at the pharmacy though. I hope to get them tomorrow but it might be Thurs when I might be able to go. Tomorrow is just going to kill me and I know it. I am going to be exhausted. I am exhausted just thinking about it. I just hope I can make phone calls if I need to. I do have a virtual visit with my psychopharm tomorrow. Just hope I am up for it. It is at the cusp at when I should be home again.
I have been having trouble with the bathroom since surgery. My right butt cheek is numb and so is part of my genitalia. I thought it would have recovered by now but tonight after a bowel movement, I couldn’t feel myself at all. I knew I was touching myself but the feeling of wiping was not there. Now I know I have CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) again and I am not happy about this. It is awful because I don’t know what kind of bowel prep I will need down the road. I am being frank about this because it is my life and now I have to deal with it. It is just complications from surgery and may go away with time but I know it will be painful. It always is. I am not looking forward to the burning pains or the other kind of neuropathic pains you get from nerve injury.
I have had a rough night and I should be sleeping but my brain is awake. I thought writing for a bit might calm it down some as it always does when I am restless. I went downstairs to my sister’s apartment for dinner and birthday cake for my brother in law. Today was his birthday. He was drunk as he was so difficult to handle. He would deny being drunk though if asked. He talked about the Orange Menance being a joke. Like we didn’t know this. It is all over the fucking news every day about him being in office is a joke. I just don’t understand why he still is there and not in jail but then I don’t want the zombie VP to be president because that would be worse.
Tonight’s discussion followed the good and bad of Jesus and the devil. My niece who is a scientist tried to intervene scientifically in the realm of things but alas was not listened to. It just came down to a matter of what your perception of god and jesus and the devil was and how good/bad a person you were. Thankfully the conversation ended there. I was feeling out of it because I still am not feeling good. I feel like shit on a platter. I did too much tonight by staying in the conversation and sitting for as long as I did. I should be out but I am still up because of this nervous energy I have. Mostly concerned that I won’t gain back my feelings again, the numb parts of myself that is new.
I have not dealt with this in some time. I was hoping it wasn’t going to happen. I am 11 days post op so I am still healing. I am just dreading it because I now have to be careful with my stomach. I have to watch what I eat and drink and take for bowel control. I fear that if I should have loose stool, I might not be able to feel it should it get loose loose. I would hate having to wear diapers again because of this. I was feeling fine until all this. Now I feel anxious and timid. I am not depressed though so that is something. I know that if I do lose my control of my bowels it will be a different matter. The loss of dignity that goes there is so great and there is no recovery from it. Some have laughed it off but only after years of dealing with it. This is still new to me and I just cannot fathom laughing this off after pooping my pants. I have a hard time even when I pee my pants, which thankfully hasn’t happened in some time due to the retention. I am still having to cath myself a few times a day. The last few hours I have been able to void on my own so I am taking that as a good sign that cathing might be a thing of the past soon. But it all depends on how things go. I know there are times I still don’t get the urge to pee. I am also waking up in the middle of the night to pee because I drink too much or my bladder just decides 3 am is a good time to use the bathroom. I hate the disruption in the night because my sleep is wonky as it is without the added bladder trips. I take anticholinergic meds at bedtime so they make me thirsty which really sucks when trying to sleep through the night. I need to talk to my urologist about this. Maybe she has some suggestions. I don’t see her until the middle of May when I have to have some testing done again to see if my bladder function has improved after surgery. The uro thinks two months is a good time to gauge it. I hope she is right but I think it will be longer. These nerves take a long time to heal and a two month time frame is too short, in my opinion.
Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful
I have been feeling weak all day. It is awful and there is nothing I can really do about it except fluids and rest. I have been trying to sleep but it hasn’t come. I am too anxious to sleep or sleep because of my med and bathroom schedule. I think once I am out for the night it will be good. I am still on steroids to calm this headache that pops up if I sit for too long. Tomorrow I need to call the surgeon as I have had some sweating on my back around the scar. It doesn’t smell horrible but the damn thing is dry otherwise so I don’t get it. Maybe I am just too hot for my own good, LOL. I just need to hold on for the next 15 hours or so when I can call the office. I don’t want to go to the ER if I don’t have to.
I asked my sister to take a pic of the scar and it looks good. No redness or swelling anywhere so this sweating is a mystery but then it could just be healing. I froze my room so am trying to warm it up again. I had opened the window the other day and had to close it as temp dropped to 39 outside and nearly 60 inside. I was cold and had to put on a long sleeve shirt. Hope that doesn’t contribute to the sweating episodes.
I have been in a weird mental state. I don’t seem depressed or suicidal and I find this somewhat disturbing that suddenly I am “fine”. I just worry about a setback. I sent a message to my therapist about it. Not sure if she read it yet. I haven’t gotten a response. I have a time tomorrow with her in the morning and I hope that I am semi awake. Our appointment last week didn’t go too well as I was out of it from meds. I still might be out of it as I feel so weak. I am trying my best to be with it but it is so damn hard. I just want to sleep but I can’t. so frustrating. I supposed if I took some Ativan or Zanaflex I would be out. Pain hasn’t been that bad today though I can’t seem to sit up straight without muscles tightening on me. The joys of recovering from back surgery. I am glad things went well and I can’t wait to talk to the surgeon about the surgery because I have yet to chat with him since before I was under. I have only seen his residents. This is partly due to the COVID-19 isolation that was going around the hospital so he wasn’t available. I am glad my pain is better but I am not liking the tightening of the muscles. I am glad I have Ativan as I think it works better than Zanaflex at times. But I might be biased. Benzos have always been good muscle relaxers. But the risk of addiction is what keeps them from being in use at times. And they are a hard drug to come off of when you want to stop them or need to stop them. Harder than anything, from what I heard. I hope I never have to find out because just missing a day and I am wicked sick with dizziness. I have been on Ativan for a while and know I have a dependence like you do most medications you take every day. I am sure if I were to stop my blood pressure meds there would be some side effects to that as well. Dependence is not the same as addiction. Addiction you need more of the stuff to achieve the high or whatever feeling you need. Dependence is when you are dependent on a substance through no fault of your own.
I just realized I haven’t done my meds for the week. I have Sunday meds so will do it tomorrow. I had planned a few days in advance just in case I wasn’t up to it. I am glad some planning worked. I have another few days of steroids that I need to fill my box with. I am taking it with Tylenol for pain. That is what they were giving me in the hospital so I am going with it. I will do my meds after my therapy appointment. I hope I am physically able to do it because it would suck to have someone else do it for me. It usually takes me ten minutes to do. We’ll see how long it takes with my back being the way it is. Probably will have to sit and do it not stand like I usually do. Standing has been a nemesis in all of this and I hate it. Just brushing my teeth hurts. I wanted to shower but I didn’t feel up to it. I don’t think I should take one while feeling like I am going to pass out. It might not be the best idea even if it makes me feel a little better. I will do that tomorrow. I need to change clothes anyway because of the sweating. I hope I sleep through the night. It has been a long time since I had a night where I didn’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I keep waking up because stupid bladder needs to be emptied. I am tempted to ask my uro for a foley just so I can sleep. But that might not help with the healing process of my bladder so I won’t call. I am tempted though.
Tiring day despite weather being good
It is beautiful out today and my energy levels are crap. I had OT/PT come this morning and that wore me out. Then I had to go to the hospital to drop off a specimen for urine culture. I hope this is just my “new” bladder sensation and I don’t have a UTI. Every time I go cath though it feels like I am popping a balloon so something isn’t right. I hope I am just fatigued due to surgery and not an infection. Everything is shut down so I can’t even get a latte at Starbucks.
I am hurting so this blog is not going to be long. I need to lay down. I again didn’t sleep through the night because I woke up and was confused. I wasn’t in horrible pain and I didn’t know if I had to pee as there was no sensation but something woke me up. Maybe it was a bad dream, I don’t know. I waited a half hour and when nothing else happened, decided to cath and sure enough my bladder was full. I had emptied twice before sleeping so I don’t know why it filled so fast. Guess my kidneys are working pretty good. After I cathed, I decided to have a bowl of cereal as I was hungry. I finished off the box of cereal with a big bowl. I was really hungry because I finished it all. I haven’t been eating so good since coming home. I have to remember to eat or I just won’t because appetite isn’t there. I try to have at least one Ensure a day to make sure my calories are over a 1000. My sister made beets last night and I had them for a late lunch. It was so good. I should have warmed them but they tasted ok cold.
While I was at the hospital I sat down on the bench a little harder than I thought and hurt my back hip. I took some pain meds when I came home as I haven’t had any all day yet. I was doing okay pain wise until that snafu. I want a burger so I might order Five Guys tonight. It has been a long time since I had one from them. I will get a vanilla shake, too. It tastes wonderful. I really love the shakes more than the burgers LOL.
I am almost done with my library book I borrowed. I think I will try and finish it tonight. There are only a few more chapters left. I think it will be the only book I have read this year. I don’t think I have a reading challenge going because my brain has been so wonky with the depression and stress of surgery. Hard to believe March is almost over with. Like where has three months gone?? I heard they are keeping schools closed until May. That really sucks. Hope the kids stay at home and are not abused or neglected because of their parents hands. I am sure it is stressful. My mother embarrassed me today and it sucked. She saw that my ear was red so she had a PT look at it but there was nothing wrong with the fucking thing. It gets red sometimes and I don’t know why. Then she used the wrong pronoun to address me which threw the PT/OT off as they couldn’t believe it. I hate it when she does this shit. Makes me so mad but there is nothing I can do about it. Yelling at her isn’t going to change her mind about anything.