finally home to relax

Finally home to relax

Today is CRPS day so that is why I have an orange ribbon in this post

I have been in more pain than my CRPS foot/ankle today. I tried getting a hold of my doctor to see what the hell the plan was other than “see a foot specialist.” I got tired of waiting so I called the doc I was going to see next week to see if I could see someone this week. There was an appointment open this afternoon so when my mother came home, I flew out the door. I missed the bus by 1 minute because I put my shoes on. I decided to go another way to the hospital. I got there with an hour to spare.

The doc was friendly and said I had plantar fasciitis as the tears were on the other side of my ankle where it didn’t hurt. WTF! I said are you kidding me?? He said yes and he drew it out. Then he was flexing my foot like crazy. If he did that with my CRPS foot, I would need to go to the emergency room for pain control! He said I had to stretch all day and ice the area. 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off. I have to grab one of the water bottles in the freezer and bring it up to my room. Then I will have to play the remember to bring it downstairs for another bottle game. I still have the reusable ice pack my PT gave me in my room. I brought it up here and been meaning to bring it back to the freezer but have not done so yet.

When I got out of the appointment, it was rush hour so I had to wait for the shuttle back to one hospital in Boston that would take me to the orange line. I had to wait for that one too as it wasn’t there. Then there was traffic around. The first train was packed so waited for the second. The bus was packed. I had to fight to get off the bus I was on. There was people coming on the bus as I am yelling I am coming off and then the bus driver closed the doors. Asshole. I was not happy. My mother mad dinner so I was happy. I feel bad I couldn’t do dishes. I just hurt too much to stand. I knew I was going to hurt after the appointment but fuck. I am just glad I don’t have to be in a brace or cast or something.

I totally forgot to go to the pharmacy on the way home. One of my prescriptions weren’t ready. I had to call to find out why. Stock hadn’t come in. I will try tomorrow after I vote. I was able to get a ride so I don’t need to use the Lyft program. I am glad because I don’t like giving my information out to these places. I just hope I am awake tomorrow by 11 am like I told the guy. My mother is supposedly going with my cousin and her sister, the lunatic. I am happy they are going but I don’t want to ride with them.

I had two chicken sandwiches as my mother made chicken cutlets for supper. I didn’t want anything else. Then my PCP’s nurse called and I updated her on things. I just wish there was something I could do for the pain. Hopefully the stretching helps because I don’t want a cortisone shot. I think they are just money makers and make things worse.

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

some hotlines: Crisis text line 741741, National Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860, Trevor Project for LNGTQ 866-488-7386

After a 9 year old that came out as gay to his friend and then killed himself, there has been an increase in sending out the suicide hotline numbers. While I know that sending out and calling does help people, there are other that feel too hopeless and alone, maybe feeling ashamed, maybe feeling no one will understand, and therefore won’t reach out.

One thing that is often said in hindsight of a suicide is why? Why didn’t I see the signs? But knowing the signs are not enough. Often when confronted, people with suicidal thoughts or maybe even planning a suicide, will deny it. It is a sensitive issue. A private issue. I know when my best friend told me at the age of 11 to seek help, my response was “I am not crazy”. With stigma, it is hard to approach someone who is suicidal. Often, there is the thought, no way this person is thinking of suicide, not my child, friend, co-worker, etc. They may deny it and say they don’t because it is against their religion or maybe the person who asks, frightens their friend or family member for fear of being stopped or if they do say yes, the person who asks responds with “don’t do something stupid” or “I will kill you if you do this”, which further alienates the suffering person. I’ve had this experience from two different people. I’ve never understood this logic. I still don’t.

My point of all this is people who are depressed ad suicidal need to feel safe in order to talk openly about their feelings. Often calling a hotline takes a lot of effort to even pick up the phone or dial the number. It is so scary because they are afraid they will be turned away and that holds people back. Or maybe they have phone anxiety like me. The Crisis Text Line is super for those people. But it is still scary to admit they are having suicidal feelings. They don’t know what will happen when they call or text.

In this case of this little boy who apparently was bullied, I don’t know if he would have had access to a phone to reach out and seek help. We often think those under the age of 10 cannot think about suicide but the numbers are growing. I know when I was eight I started having suicidal thoughts and made my first attempt at age 10. I didn’t tell anyone about this besides my best friend. He was probably sick of me talking about it so told me to reach out and then I shut down. I stopped talking about it but the thoughts were still there. When I was 12 I did reach out to Samaritans. I talked to a nice British speaking lady. I was very scared to call. I never had another good experience calling a hotline again. I was often rushed off the phone once I mentioned that I was suicidal.

Sister’s party and other things.

Sister’s party and other things.

Today was my sister’s birthday. My middle sister and the birthday girl’s husband threw a party. It was good. The food was excellent. My feet for the most part behaved. My aunts were my aunts. The lunatic one really got on my nerves. I knew she was going to sit at the table I was sitting at because I was with my mother. OMG the arguing between the three of them. I wish I was drinking. Then the lunatic wanted pictures when they did the cake. She took pics of my two sisters and I must have been dog meat because she didn’t take the three of us. I was so fricken mad. But she came over and took a pic of me and my little cousin. That was okay. Not to me but to her. I swear our feelings for each other are mutual. I have tolerated her over the years but I can’t anymore. I am just glad she doesn’t come over the house as often.

I wanted to wear my boot but I couldn’t find the piece that goes in the front. I wanted to wear it for my right foot. I have no idea if that would work as I wore it for my left. But standing and sitting and everything at the party, it would have been helpful, I think. Least to take my weight off the injury. I might end up in the thing anyways but I am not sure. I just know until I find that piece, I can’t use what I have and that sucks. I know it is in my room but when I was clearing the stuff in front of my window so my brother in law could take out my AC, I was just throwing shit everywhere, not really paying mind to what it was and where it was landing. I bet it is somewhere that I just haven’t found yet. I should have stuck the think IN the fucking boot so I wouldn’t have misplaced it. I am so mad at myself. I honestly don’t know what to do until Monday. I got to call my PCP’s office as he needs to order me something to put my foot in. I am in too much pain to not be wearing something. Plus I got to find out about the pain program and if I should start it. I am going to email the physiatrist in charge and see what he thinks. I am really up a creek. This couldn’t have happened at the worst time. I am glad I found out why I have so much pain I just wish my damn chickenshit pcp did a better job at putting me in something. Course the stupid NP thought I had plantar fasciitis and was sticking to that. Asshole. I really wish I was awake enough to tell her off but I was so shocked by the news that I couldn’t even begin to ask questions. Plus she was just like see an ankle specialist okay bye, which didn’t help. I hate having to constantly fight just to get care. Going to put an ice pack on my ankle with a tear so maybe it will speak to me again…

feeling shocked and in a flare

Feeling shocked and in a flare

I’ve been in pain since 5 this morning. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the pain program. I tried leaving a voicemail for the scheduler but she doesn’t work on Thursdays. So I wrote a message to both people I was seeing today through the gateway thingy. Then when my med alarm went off, I called the office to make sure they got the message.

Around 11 or so, my sister texted me asking if I got results from the MRI. I said I probably would in the afternoon or tomorrow. Around 2 PM I was feeling tired and wanted a nap so sent off a message to my PCP’’s office to see if results were back. I didn’t expect anything and tried to snooze but my damn brain wouldn’t shut off because I was aggravated with the noise from the TV. I turned on the whisperer and tried to relax but that wasn’t happening. Around 3, my PCP’s office called it was the idiot NP I met last week. Guess what? I didn’t have plantar fasciitis! I had a muscle tear. Lovely. I was shocked by the news I forgot to say I told you so and you’re an idiot but just hung up the phone after she told me to call an ankle specialist. I got to get a copy of the MRI and report. I feel so fucking nervous about this. My left foot has been throbbing all day and my right is just hurting because it is bruised. The part that is torn is also hurting me. UGH I hope I don’t need surgery.

It has been hard to stand most of the day. I thought resting would be good. I cleaned out my nightstand drawer because I had shit in there that was making it hard to open and close it. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need, found some memorabilia from the Sox my former therapist gave me as well as her birthday cards over the years. I also found an email from my good friend in South Africa that I kept for sentimental reasons. There were some old stamps in my drawer. At least a half a dozen pens. Some worked and some didn’t. I left them in the drawer. By the time I was done, I had reorganized it so I knew where stuff was and it wasn’t so cluttered. It also opened and shut easily.

I tried clearing my book stacks but my back was telling me no. I got a box for my journals. I should reinforce the seams with tape so the weight doesn’t make it come apart. I threw two journals that were out in the open in it. I think I might throw the books that I have read in it as well as it is a big box. I don’t know. When I am feeling better, I will decide.

I emailed my PT about the muscle tear. She was as shocked as I was. She told me to make sure I find a doc that specializes in the foot and ankle. I have someone in mind though they are out of network. I am not sure what my bill will be afterwards. If I need surgery, I will have to see someone else. I will definitely want a second opinion. I don’t want to see the docs at the Partners hospital I go to. I might see someone outside of Boston. Or maybe a different hospital. I am not sure if I should continue with the pain program or not because I don’t want to worsen the tear. It is going to be awhile before I can get a copy of the MRI. I don’t know how soon I can get to see this doctor I want to see. I am hoping just being in a boot for a few weeks helps, though walking will be very difficult.

I need to shower but I made dinner tonight, which wasn’t in my plans but my mother was tired so. I might do it later. I want to just read my book but so far I haven’t had a chance as I just been on social media. I really need to set a timer or something to stop playing on my phone. While I was cleaning out my drawer, I found some thumb drives. There some work files as well as some other stuff. I found some old pictures of my nieces and nephew with my father. Brought up some memories of him. I do miss him.

Transition day 28

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.