Rude Awakening

Rude awakening

I woke up in the wee hours because I had to pee. I had cathed and didn’t drink anything afterwards but that doesn’t mean my kidneys stop working. I emptied and stayed up for a little bit to check on the Sox game. We won 8-4. I wish we won more games than we lost. Seems for every game we win, we lose 2-3 games. I went back to sleep and woke up around 630 to pee again. I laid down again and my med alarm went off. I then snoozed lightly. I don’t know what time it was but my sister fucking slammed her door and scared the shit out of me. I woke up so damn startled. I was up but I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t. around 930 my surgeon’s nurse called me. I still have discharge. She said she will talk to the doc and get back to me either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. UGH. I also said I requested some more ibuprofen but haven’t heard back. Her response was that the surgeon was busy. No fucking shit.

I got up to have coffee. I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t really hungry. It was hot in the kitchen. I drank my coffee and then went back to my room to cool off. My mother asked if I was going to the grocery store. I said no. I asked what does she need and she said she needs eggs. I never went to the butcher’s shop for cheese.

Today is T shot day so when I came back to my room, I gave myself the shot in my left thigh. It hurt so it flared up the nerve pain. I wasn’t in the best of moods. I got an email from my neuro saying she wrote a provider letter. I read it. It had my MRI report in it. I still have a collection of fluid in my spine but it is much less than it was. She did say that I had some disc material at the nerve roots at L3-L4 but nothing to require surgery. I was glad to hear that. I guess I am just going to have to live with this nerve pain in my thigh. I asked what can be done about it. I am waiting for a response.

My new coloring books came along with my new stamps. I collect stamps. I don’t do it actively because I don’t always have the money for them. I shaved today and then washed my face. It felt good to have some cold water on my face. I meant to brush my teeth but forgot. I will the next time I go pee.

I had some protein pancakes for lunch. I also had another cup of coffee. I was in the kitchen minding my own business when my mother came in to make herself lunch. She wanted a conversation and I wasn’t in the mood for one. I am feeling pretty grumpy and shitty. I just want to sleep. I might take an afternoon nap. I just feel so blah. Heat is not helping as it is quite muggy today. I really can’t wait for cooler temps.

feeling depressed and ugly

Feeling depressed and ugly

I’ve been up since four this morning. I had a little nap for about 20 minutes before my appointment today. I then had another cup of coffee after the appointment because why not. Sox have a late game and if I am up, I will listen to it. I have been feeling so depressed and I don’t know why. I don’t want to go to therapy next week. I know I might change my mind by next week so I haven’t texted my therapist. My appointment isn’t in the list of visits yet anyways. Probably won’t be until later this week.

I had an appointment with my TG doc today. She had a doc from Brazil come in on the visit which was neat until my internet kicked me off of zoom. My doc called me and we spoke on the phone for the rest of the visit. My blood levels are where she wants them to be so we are staying at the dose I am on. I had no questions for her and doesn’t seem like she wants blood work before our next visit so I am good. I see her in six months.

My mother made BBQ chicken wings so I had that for brunch. They were so good. I had my second cup of coffee afterwards with some biscuits as a dessert. I’ve been feeling full all day. I have been going on the regular to the bathroom to pee so I haven’t put myself on a schedule or alarm. I just been paying attention to what I drink and the hours in between caths. So far I haven’t had any discharge on the pad but that doesn’t mean anything. I sometimes go at night more than during the day. If I am clear tonight then I will switch back to boxers. I tried to get a hold of someone at the surgeon’s office but no one returned my phone calls.

I have been trying to set up an appointment with an oral surgeon so I can get my wisdom teeth extracted and my dentist is being difficult and so is the surgeon’s office staff. My dentist supposedly sent them what they requested but when I called today, they have no record of it. I give up. I just won’t have my teeth extracted. I don’t care.

I haven’t heard back from my neuro about my MRI so I guess no news is good news for now. It will be a week before the report is in my record. I am still having pain in my leg, thigh and shin. Sometimes they are together and sometimes it is just the shin hurting. I don’t know what sets it off but it hurts so bad that it takes my breath away sometimes.

I was able to shower today. It was a real quick one. I wanted to shave my head but I never got the chance. I will try tomorrow. It’s kind of cool so I only ran the AC for a little while just to get the stuffiness out of my room. I bought new coloring books and I can’t wait to color in them. One is a Scooby-Doo book that looks like it is a self-publishing because the pages are on the left instead of the right. It is hard coloring in the book but doable.

appointments and such

Appointments and such

I had my MRI this morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. So I didn’t have time to make coffee before I left. I decided to go to Starbucks instead for my coffee. I also had something to eat while there. I was early for my appointment as I had to wait a half hour before being checked in because of Covid rules. The place ran late so I didn’t get called in till around 11. I didn’t have to have contrast so that was good for my veins but bad for the test. If there is something they aren’t going to know if it is new or not.

My surgeon’s office never called me back. I will call in the morning if I don’t hear anything. I still have the discharge. I have been in a lot of pain today because my bowels were hard and I had to push to get them out. I am so sore. I just took more medication. I am hurting.

I had therapy today. We talked briefly about the gender dysphoria. I told her that I am having a hard time showering because I can’t stand to look at my body. I hate myself. At the end of the session she asked if I wanted a second time this week to be productive and I said no. The session today was a tough one because I was so drained from the MRI and walking around the hospital. I just didn’t have the mental energy to be in session today at all. I also didn’t know what to talk about. I didn’t want to talk about trauma again and she isn’t the type to just throw something out there for me to talk about.

Tomorrow I see my TG doc. I got an annoying reminder call. I don’t know why they called me when I had already confirmed the appointment. Pisses me off. There have been no changes since the dose increase other than my blood level increasing. Thankfully, I haven’t had a break out of acne.

I am not feeling well so I plan on taking my meds early and going to bed. Sox are on the west coast and game isn’t until 10 which I am not going to stay up for tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully no other player tests positive for Covid between now and then.

Sunday Blog 12092021

Sunday Blog 12092021

I’ve had a lazy day today. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and struggled getting back to sleep. I woke back up around 5 but for some reason I didn’t get up. I just turned over and went back to sleep. I got up at seven to have coffee and drain my bladder. I have been on a four hour schedule and it has been going pretty well so far. I have been drinking a lot because I want my veins to be good for tomorrow’s MRI. I have been having abdominal pain all day despite being good on emptying my bladder. I used a hot pack that the hospital gave me post op. It helped a little bit. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol. I don’t want to take the BT med if I don’t have to.

My neighbor had a BBQ and my brother in law brought over some food. I had some pork and a potato that was very good. I love potatoes and this was like a double baked/grilled thing. It was so good. I had made a fluffernutter for dinner so I am glad I had some protein so I won’t be hungry later.

I am still having yellow discharge so I sent a message to my surgeon about it. I don’t know if this is normal or if I still have an infection. I just hope I don’t have to call because I never get anyone on the damn phone. I always get someone’s voicemail. So annoying. I haven’t been wearing boxers, just female underwear and a pad. I hope I don’t have to see the surgeon again after she said see you in four weeks. That will suck. But I don’t want this to turn into something bad either.

I shaved my head and face today. I trimmed the goatee to a stubble and then shaved around it. I also trimmed my mustache because the hairs were making my nose itch. I can forget about a thick mustache. It would be too itchy for me.

I set my alarm for 0700 tomorrow morning so I will be up in time to have coffee and breakfast before my MRI appointment. I am kind of nervous. I have to remember to take with me my meds so that I can lie on the table comfortably. Otherwise I get up and I can’t really move for a few minutes because my back hurts a lot. I just got to remember to bring water with me. I just put the meds in a travel pill box and put it in my bag so I don’t forget. Trick is going to be to remember the water. I always forget it when I leave the house.

I have ten dollars left on my T pass. I will have to put more money on it when I get paid next. Tomorrow should be my last travel day unless I need to go to the square for something. I do need to get cheese for my mother. I might get some burgers, too as I will be at the butchers. Oh and some steak! It will have to be Tuesday when I go because Monday I have therapy after my MRI and I don’t have time to shop. I need to catch the bus home. I think if I time it right, I might have therapy on my front porch. It will be a good day to sit outside some and have some fresh air. No one will bother me as it is pretty quiet.

I can’t believe how much pain I am in right now. I don’t know if it is my bowels or just the surgical area. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I have been taking the Miralax but that isn’t always reliable. I didn’t take it today because I don’t want to be shitting tomorrow at unknown times. I used to be able to go in the morning soon after I wake up but that hasn’t been the case lately. I also don’t know if the pain is because of the discharge or not. I sent a message to my surgeon today to ask about it. I figure if they check the messages first thing in the morning my message will be right there for them to see. I messaged my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from him so I sent the same message again. I don’t see him till Oct, which really sucks. I am approaching eight weeks that I have been on Pristiq. I haven’t noticed any change with my mood. My pain has been less but that is usually the case after I have surgery. I think I have had only two flares during my recovery so far. Right now my ankle and foot is calm. Pain is like a 2 as it is throbbing just a little bit. But the nerve pain in my thigh has been horrendous. That is still ongoing. I am glad I got an MRI this quickly. I just hope I don’t have to see my neurosurgeon again. That will suck big time. I don’t really want another back surgery.

I took my meds a little while ago. I think taking them might help with the pain a little bit. I just took some BT meds because I am so uncomfortable. I hope the discharge is just leftover from the infection I had and not something new. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics again, especially that flagyl I was taking. It was horrible. I had to take it fast before it melted in my mouth with the bitterness. Yucko.

Red Sox got beat by the White Sox today in the ninth inning. I am so disappointed. We are tied for the wild card. It is our only chance of making it to the post season. We are playing Seattle next. These will be west coast games which means late starting times. I might just have to check the scores in the morning because I am not going to stay up till 2 am listening to the game.