ankle throbs yet the heart aches

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.

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sad and busy day

Sad day

My uncle passed away today. It was expected as he was slowly declining in health the past month or so. We thought there would be a chance he could breathe on his own after the machine was stopped but it was a very short time. I am glad he isn’t suffering anymore. I kind of feel like I did when my father passed away, nothing at all. I am sure next week will be tough, what ever the funeral arrangements will be.

I went grocery shopping for my mother and I, though it was more her stuff than I bought. After standing at the deli and getting what I needed, I just wanted to leave, except there was more stuff I had to get. I wasn’t familiar with the store so I kept having to walk around to find the aisle that I needed the stuff. Then I waited in line for like 20 minutes. A lady in front of me kept dividing her cart, some on the belt and then into another cart of things she didn’t want. I was so pissed. Then I found I couldn’t use my food stamps card because I didn’t know the pin number. I felt like a moron. I had three bags of stuff that I lugged up the stairs after my sister took me home. My back and ankle were killing me. I put the stuff away and then put dinner in the oven. I went upstairs to change to my PJs, carefully as anything rubbing against my foot hurt.

I sat on my bed and didn’t want to move anymore. But then my sister called for me and told me the news about my uncle. By that time, the pot pie in the oven was done so I fixed a plate for my mother and I. I told my mother there was no way I could do the dishes and that my sister would do them. She gave me a look and said there was only a few to do. I said I couldn’t stand anymore. So she did them.

My brother in law came up to fix the door for our washer/dryer area. I stood on my tippy toes to move a piece on the tracking mechanism and it fell behind the washer. I threw out my back. I am in so much pain. I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow but I need to see my psychiatrist as we got stuff to talk about.

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PT news and other things

PT news and other things

I woke up later than I wanted to. I really didn’t feel like showering as my ankle was being a bugger. I had to go to PT. I did something for my mother and as I was walking, my ankle gave out. Great. It was about a half hour before I had to leave. I gave it sometime to rest and then went up to my room to get dressed.

As I was walking to the bus stop, I saw my neighbor’s dog. She made my day. I would have went over and tried to pat her but I needed to catch the bus. It got to the PT place a little later than I expected but I still had time to get a coffee and a sandwich. I didn’t have anything to eat since last night.

The therapist had me use a step thing the same as last time. Then she went to give me some exercises with a sheet for my ankle. She thinks she can make my ankle functional. I silently rolled my eyes. I haven’t been able to really move my ankle in 17 years, since my 1st back surgery. I didn’t tell her I expected some decrease in my pain over the next few weeks or that is it, we are done. I told her about the lower back pain and she gave me a tennis ball and showed me how to use it to help ease the muscles.

There was a huge snow bank where I had to catch the bus. I was sore and my ankle pain was up after therapy. It hurt to stand. I saw a bus that was going to a station close to my home but not a bus that would take me home. I took it because I didn’t want to wait any more. I couldn’t. I hurt too much. It was a long ride to the station. I didn’t mind. I saw where they were putting the new casino. That is going to cause major traffic delays, especially for this bus line. I didn’t have to wait too long for my bus for home when I got to the station. I got off at the stop before so I could get a bottle of wine for my mother. Today is her birthday.

I was so winded when I came home and sore. I went up to my room to change once I settled down some. I was still out of breath. I had turned on the ceiling fan but it was too cold in my room. I turned it off. I was going to write a blog but I kept hearing weird sounds on my laptop. I got sleepy so decided to take a nap. Around 1630, my med alarm went off for my pain pills. I pressed something to make it stop and then went back to sleep, hoping to get up soon. It was another hour or so that I woke up. I wasn’t hungry but had to eat. I made some sliders. My sisters and their kids came over. We celebrated my mother and it then my sisters and everyone were having loud conversations. I wanted to escape to my room. My mother decided to clean out the refrigerator and something smelled bad. I took my chance to go to my room.

I hope I am not getting sick. I ache and my nose is stuffy. I also been sneezing a lot. I hope it’s just because I haven’t left the house in a week. Tomorrow I am supposed to go food shopping with my cousin. My mother wants a few things. I hope I am up to it. She wants some deli stuff and I don’t usually do well with standing for my turn. My ankle hates it.

My uncle has been doing well. He was in the hospital with some heart issues. While he was there, he had a heart attack and he was dead for a few minutes. They cracked his ribs while reviving him. His lung capacity has been awful. Then he got pneumonia. He went to rehab a few times. Now he is on life support. They are taking him off tomorrow. He has been through so much. I hope he isn’t suffering anymore. He was a good man. I am worried about my aunt. They have been through some really tough times together. I hope she finds comfort that he isn’t going to suffer anymore. I remember when I liked the Raiders (American football team) back when the Pats sucked horribly, they lost a game and he gave me the sweatshirt he was wearing. The Raiders and the Cowboys were teams I followed for a little while. I loved Troy Aikman. He was a very good quarterback for the Cowboys. I hope God welcomes my uncle when he returns. He will be missed by all who loved him down here.

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clusterfuck of a day

Clusterfuck of a day

Yesterday I spent all day in bed as my foot and ankle were competing as to who was going to hurt me more. I did the bare minimum of things and barely ate. I basically just left my room to eat whatever and use the bathroom. My mother was mad that I didn’t do the dishes like I have all week since she was sick. My sister did them but my mother wanted me to do them. Tough shit. My sister texted me saying that my mother’s sugar was low last night. I couldn’t move as I was in too much pain.

Today my back was sore. I think I slept the wrong way or the change in temp (it went up to 40F degrees) killed me. I stayed in bed most of the day. I made my mother dinner and then she wanted me to do the dishes. Tough shit. I just took some advil for my back. If it calms down, I will do the few that are there.

My therapist texted me yesterday about my statement. I apparently over paid him and had a credit of $210, that was not counting the $135 I sent him. So he is going to cash the checks and then write me a check for that amount. I basically don’t have to pay him again till March or April, if I continue to see him.

My mother is still sick and tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think she will want anyone over the house. I have physical therapy tomorrow. I set my alarm as I haven’t been getting up early and I need a shower. I am going to tell the PT that I am giving her until the end of Jan to help me. So far nothing we have done has helped decrease my pain. I honestly don’t see the point in continuing when it isn’t doing anything. I hope I can see her tomorrow, provided my back isn’t flared like it is right now. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I hate these flare ups. Sometimes they last a day and sometimes weeks. They generally go away on their own as I woke up with it. I didn’t do anything, least I don’t think I did, to set them off.

I got my medical insurance card. I need to call them to find out why it’s different than the one I had last year. Usually, if you want things kept the same, you don’t have to send them any paperwork. So I didn’t. Now it’s changed to a cheaper plan and I am not sure what that will mean. It’s still a PPO plan but I am not sure what it covers. I might have to go to the benefits office when I see my psych on Friday. Calling them isn’t going to get me anything but aggravated.

The pain clinic called today. I have an appt with them in February. Only thing is, it isn’t with an MD but a PhD, which can mean it is with a pain psychologist. I am not happy about this. The last time I saw a pain psychologist for a pain clinic, the MDs didn’t want anything to do with me and sent me off because this psychologist said that I would abuse or misuse my meds due to my sexual abuse history. Here it is 6 years later and I am on the same dose of meds and I am not abusing or misusing my meds, at all. I swear the system is rigged. I probably am going to have to have a few session with this guy before I see an MD for my pain. This just means I will suffer more while this goes on. I literally have to suffer another month before seeing this psychologist. Fuck. All because my PCP is a chicken shit. I just want to die it would be easier than going through this hassle. I don’t see a point in continuing.

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Rotten day of pain and more pain

from the moment I woke up to now as I am writing this, my ankle and foot bones have been hurting me something awful. I tried to sleep all day but it didn’t happen. I was just in a sucky kind of mood. I am taking my night meds now and then I will be lying down, hopefully for the night. I have a bunch of things to say but I am too tired to write them. Maybe tomorrow.

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment