This saying “just stay” has been kicking around the suicide prevention circles I have run across. Some days it helps me to focus on staying here. Other days, I want to scream why, I don’t deserve to be here. Today I am feeling a little hopeful because my psych sent me a message and it really made me feel like someone really cares about me. I am taking that with me so that I can do this Herculean project I want to do.
Last year when I was thinking of something to do about writing my book, I thought of writing a baseball history book about what teams were called before what they are currently. Like the Red Sox had many names before being called the Sox. If you look at the World Series, they are listed as Americans or red stockings. The Yankees were called the Orioles before they were the Yankees. I find this so interesting and seeing as there isn’t a book about it, I want to write it. One of my favorite authors, SE Hinton, always says “write what you want to read.” I always wanted to learn about the history of baseball teams so I want to write it. I am not sure I will have to go to Cooperstown to get the information I need but if I do have to go there, I will. I am not sure how I will finance it but I am sure there is a will there is a way.
Yesterday, I had therapy and it was a disaster. We talked about frustrated needs that Shneidman says contributes to suicide. She didn’t understand what these needs meant to me to understand why I am suicidal. She wants me to write them and then write the things that get in the way. That was going on and then the voices got unbearable. I asked her if she felt I was meaningless. At first she was like why am I thinking that. When I told her the voices were saying this and I needed her to tell me they were wrong she then said that I was not meaningless so that reality testing happened. Then she asked more about the voices and I said that I had lowered my dose. She flipped out in a very concerned way. She wants me to talk to my psychopharm about doing something to help the voices go down as this is a serious matter. I did send a message to the psychopharm but have not heard back from her. I also sent a message to my uro and she hasn’t responded either. I am going to have to drop a urine sample next week when I am back at the hospital.
I am coming down with a cold. The virus has been hanging around the house as my mother and sisters have been sick. I am treating it with rest, fluids, and vitamin D. I find that vitamin D helps respiratory and cold infections better than anything. There was a study I was involved in and D actually helps the cytokines fight infection. But the trick is you have to be out of deficiency in order for the D to work. Find out if you are deficient, get stable on D and you will be able to fight getting the cold better. I find that if I take 10,000 IUs for a few days, my cold symptoms go away faster. So instead of being sick 10-14 days, I am sick maybe 4-5 days. This works for me. It might not work for someone else but I am just throwing it out there. The cytokine is Hcap18. There have been a lot of studies with this and asthma. A Google search will help you understand this if you don’t believe me.
I made a cup of English tea. It is by Twining called Everyday Tea. I got it from an English friend I know on Twitter. The tea is really English as it is from the UK. I love it as it is a full bodied tea and is strong. It is really good especially on cold New England days like today. It is 14 (-10C) degrees out. Hope it helps this cold that I have. It is cold in my room because I have the window open. It is 64 (17C) degrees in my room. I love the cold and this temp suits me. I just put on a sweatshirt on top of my long sleeve shirt. My ankle is really hurting today. I have had to take gabapentin and extra breakthrough meds to try and quiet it. It feels like I am being stabbed and the pain is right through the joint making me feel suicidal. I want to shave and shower but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen today.
I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.
I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.
Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.
The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.
I got this notification today. It made my day. Been up since 4 am in pain. Concussion messed with my memory as I couldn’t remember how to make a fried egg. Made boiled instead. Now I am wicked paying for it. Foot is being crushed and ankle is being stabbed. Really wish that stupid elixir worked. Hate being in this much pain. Depression is so bad. I just want to sleep. Got appts every day this week and then made plans with a friend for dinner Sat. I am such an idiot. I am going to be toast if the pressure and temps keep being a rollercoaster.
I don’t know how i am supposed to go on like this. Yet apparently I am. Maybe reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir will help, if I can remember where I put the book…
Wednesday, my mother set off my PTSD. I had such anxiety most of the day that it was driving me crazy along with the intrusive memories and feelings of shame and humiliation. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was up because of pain so around 0430 before I went to finally rest, I sent a text to my therapist asking if I could still see her today despite canceling the appointment. She responded like an hour or so later saying yes, I could come in.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about this. I had so much on my mind. I needed to ask her input on how to set boundaries with my mother and she said that it is not going to be easy as this is going to be coming from left field with her (my mother). I knew it would be I was just hoping something I could say could diffuse the situation. Really didn’t come up with anything so I started talking about the stuff she did to me. She said if this had happened today, child’s services would have been involved. I still feel sick about all of it. When I told her what she wanted the doctor to do and then I couldn’t tell her what went on at home, with her holding me down to do what she wanted to do. I pretty much told her everything that she ever did to me. She (therapist) thinks my mother is psychotic. She is not trying to take away from what she did to me. My therapist told me what she did was abuse and I was both relieved and scared about this. I always got that what she did was of “motherly concern” so therefore was not abuse. And because when I confronted my mother at 16 she denied it as well as I was told how could I say such things about my mother, it just made me shut down. I denied it because I had to. Now I cannot because it is causing too much turmoil.
The abuse happened when I was a toddler up until I was fourteen. It made the gender dysphoria so much more present and also messed with me in other ways. I feel dirty and I don’t think I will ever be clean. This is all I can write at this time. I wish I could write more but it is hurting too much and stirring up too many emotions.