hard decision but had to be done

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.

a day of rest

A day of rest

I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night. My med alarm went off and I took my pill. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I didn’t want to get up so I just laid there. I got a few messages on my phone. I checked them and one was an email from my psych saying that she was sick and could I come in on Friday same time. I didn’t have my glasses on so I wrote back a reply saying sure and hope you feel better. I then shut my alarm off as I didn’t need to get up. I guess that relaxed me enough for me to go back to sleep until 1500.

I figured I might as well try to eat something as it was now the afternoon, almost dinner time. I had a bowl of cereal and some bacon my mother had made in the morning. I then went back to sleep. It was too late to make the muffins I wanted to bake. I took off the compression sock as I put that on sometime around maybe 0200. Pain was really bad last night. Pain came back after I took it off. It was time for my pain meds so I took them. I really hope it settled down.

My sister called me around 1730, waking me from slumber. I didn’t answer the phone. I haven’t been on social media that much today. For some reason, my internet on my phone is not allowing notifications to come through on my apps. When I shut off the wireless, I got the notifications. I might have to restart the modem.

I am glad my psych canceled today. I really didn’t feel like going out. I am sorry she is sick though. I have been fricken congested all day today with stupid allergies. Probably why I feel so tired. I am going to make a deep dish pizza for dinner and then listen to the Sox. They have lost the last two games. I think the A’s have cursed us this year. We just cannot beat them.

Yesterday in baseball news, a player I do not like named Robinson Cano was suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. The drug was Lasix, furosemide. My mother takes it and she isn’t doing cartwheels!! I am so mad that this common diuretic is banned. Then I find out a pitcher that just came back this season from injury got mad after Cora (Sox manager) pulled him on Saturday that he threw his glove. He must have thrown it more than 100 MPH as he dislocated his shoulder! Now he is complaining about fatigue and overuse. He has only pitched 14 innings!! He is a relief pitcher! What a loser. There was some other news but I don’t remember what it was now. Hope the Sox win tonight. Going to watch them as I heat up my pizza.

Tired of pain taking away things I love

Yesterday, I had a bad flare. I tried writing but after around 100 words, I was exhausted and couldn’t continue. I had therapy yesterday and for some reason my legs were really sore so walking was difficult. I thought it would get better as the day went on and I did my things but it only wore me out with each step I took.

I was in agony most of the night. I didn’t get to sleep till 4am. I kind of lost track of time as I was trying to find a tea kettle. I had made a cup of tea and the kettle we have is all rusted on the bottom, making things taste different. I told my mother and she refused to change the kettle and there is no way of getting the rust out.

I made coffee using spring water and saucepan. Coffee came out perfect. Then we had a t storm and I got a migraine with severe nausea. I still feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t think I was going to write today as I really am tired. I don’t know if my writing means anything to anyone. I’ve just been writing for me, because I like doing it. But after yesterday, it was the first time in over a year and a half that I didn’t write. I thought I might be able to write later but then it was after midnight so I just posted the pic of the pup. I might do that on days I am not up to writing more than a paragraph.

My writing means a lot to me. I have been pushing through tough days because I didn’t want to give in to chronic pain. Yesterday was the worst in a very long time. I usually am able to write how bad things are and yesterday, words just couldn’t come to me. I kept staring at the screen cursor wondering what to write next. My head just was filled with blankness.

Today was a little better. I slept most of the day, despite my med alarm going off to remind me to take my pain meds. It is really hot in my room though the temps have cooled off. I want to open the window but I still haven’t put in the screen. Maybe I will have my bro in law put in the AC and the screen. It kind of early but at least when it is humid, I can cool my room down. I cannot tolerate heat. As hot as it is in my room I have to keep my sheet covering my foot because the ceiling fan air hurts me.

If you are a daily reader, please like or comment if you can. I’d like to get an idea of who is reading. My stats aren’t really a good indication. Thanks and I am sorry for not posting yesterday.

Mother’s Day 2018

Mother’s Day 2018

I’ve had a pretty good day, so far. Last night I was in a lot of pain and was not sure I would be able to have dinner with my family at a restaurant. I woke up feeling okay but my ankle became sore after walking on it for a little bit. I gave my mother her gag gift and she laughed.

The restaurant was pretty cool. It was Chinese food. It was pretty good. I had tonic water as I didn’t feel like having soda. My nephew came with us and he enjoyed what he had. He ordered Pad Thai. I had a bite and it was good but not as good as the one in Boston that I had the other day. He said we should go there and then to a Sox game. I said that sounds like a good idea. I ended up driving home with him. I was familiar with the area so it was easy to get home. I had to tell him the exit to get off. I thought he would know but he didn’t. He is still learning.

As soon as I was out of the boot, my foot acting up. My ankle is so blaring right now. I had went to the pharmacy to fill my meds. I did better today in recording when I take my meds. Yesterday I was not so good.