counting down toward baseball 11 days

My ankle has been hurting me most of the day. I woke up at 6 in pain, managed to go back to sleep and got up around 1400. I made coffee and walking was difficult. Any weight that I put on my ankle made it hurt more. I had some cookies as I didn’t know what to eat. I was watching the game. It was the top of the 5th and they scored soon as my coffee was done. YAY! My “boyfriend” Benny Biceps (Andrew Benintendi) scored a home run. I decided to make some boiled eggs and toast before going back to my room.

My mother wanted me to look up some cleaning machine on my computer. I told her the price and I guess it was too high as she didn’t say anything else. I don’t know why she wants another one. She bought one for the kitchen floor that she has yet to use. I don’t get it. She has bought several sets of pans that are on the porch. Guess she is waiting for the ones we use every day to fall apart before we can use them. I don’t know. They are the copper ones they show on TV. I used one of them while making the beef for Manwich. It was good as things didn’t stick to it. I might use the smaller pan when I make scrambled eggs.

I am so exhausted from being in pain. It is draining the fuck out of me. My psychiatrist never responded to the email I sent her about what the pain doc said. I have no idea if my PCP has contacted her or what. I hate that I am not being included in the conversation. It IS my life they are talking about and MY care. I hate that this is just dragging on. I am still going to go through with my plan. I will make phone calls tomorrow, though that is giving me anxiety. I hate talking to people on the phone. I rather text or email. I know it will be a few transfers to get a hold of someone that is in charge of getting my pension and what to do with it. I also know that once I start the process, there is no looking back. I know I don’t have to do this but I can’t stand being in pain 24/7 anymore.

When my check comes in this month, I plan on ordering my books so I can give them to the libraries. I want my hometown to have a couple of copies and the idiot town I live in, even though I hate this city very bad. I also need to get my spare phone fixed. No point in getting new glasses. HA, one less expense, though I currently am hating the pair I have right now. I should make a list of all that I need to do. I have two places I want to eat at before I go.

Even though my feet have been under the blankets the past two hours, they are ice fricken cold. It’s kind of cold in my room. For some reason, the heat only goes on at night, least in my room anyway. I don’t mind it being cold so long as my nose doesn’t get cold. Then I need heat. But my feet are different. I need to put on thermals and I just don’t want to be bothered. Damn, heat is making a liar out of me as it just kicked on! Fucker. LOL Must have knew I was talking about it.

Sox won 2-1. 11 days till Opening Day. I cannot fricken wait!! Seems like forever since I last heard or watched a night game. The spring training has been meh. Nothing exciting except one catcher that has done really well. I don’t know who will be staying or going. I guess that will be happening sometime within the week.

Saturday Blog 17-Mar-18

Saturday Blog 17-Mar-18

Every time I open my laptop, within 5 fricken minutes I get the Win 10 update thingy that says it needs 8GB of space for security updates. Why does it need 8GB?? I don’t have 8GB because I have a small hard drive that apparently, I cannot upgrade because it is a piece of shit! But I guess you get what you pay for when you only spend $300 for a NEW laptop. I can’t do anything I want to do with this thing. And I can’t have Facebook open for more than 10 minutes without the memory alert going off. Yea, use for internet and email my ass.

I just came back to my room from having dinner with my sister and brother in law’s family. It was good. We spent some time talking and stuff. I was late in taking my night meds but that is okay. I am really tired because I was up at 345 am due to pain. I stayed up till around 7 and then slept for a few hours before I got up to make burritos. I made 3, one to have now and froze the other two. This is the first time I have made a batch. I was watching how to make a burrito on YouTube as I had the concept but could never get the sides tucked in enough. The first one was okay, the second was mediocre. The one I had fell apart because I filled it with too much eggs. Oh well. I will know for next time. It’s hard knowing how much for each when you’re not used to making more than two eggs at a time.

After I ate, I felt dizzy and then got a migraine. I took my blood pressure and it was kind of on the low side so I drank some fluids until I fell asleep. I am just still feeling icky. I hate being up in the middle of the night. The ankle bone pain that I woke up with in the middle of the night has been hurting me for most of the day. I’ve been trying to stay on top of it with meds but it hurts so bad with the storm approaching. I hope tomorrow I will feel better, but there is no guarantee. I just hope I can sleep tonight, all night!

oh my blood pressure!

Oh my blood pressure!

I had about 4 hours of sleep last night. I just couldn’t sleep. My brain couldn’t turn off and then pain started. I couldn’t get comfortable. I was talking to one of my British friends and she was telling me about strong tea. She gave me the brand she uses and in my Painsomnia state, I ordered it. I have been making a lot of purchases while I am up all night. I told my psychiatrist and she said that if my spending got out of hand, to let her know. I said I would.

I had six shots of espresso and that wasn’t a good idea for my appts as I was kind of jittery. My emotions were all over the place because I didn’t sleep. I lost track of when I was supposed to take my pain meds so was late by the time I got home. I saw my psychiatrist and all I did was cry out of frustration. She read the notes from the pain doc and it said what I told her. She encouraged me to collaborate with the pain doc. So I settled down and said I was going to try. That was the plan. Should have worked, right?? Yea, like a snowball in hell!

I met with this fellow that I swear is stalking me. Nearly every new appt I have had the last few months, he has been there. Today he was the fellow I saw before the attending. We chatted for a bit and then he went to get the attending. I told him I wanted to be put on methadone before leaving. He said he would relay the message. The attending comes in and said he had a long conversation with my PCP about what to do. Now it becomes a three ringed circus, because these two doc (pain and pcp) will collaborate with my psychiatrist before deciding on what to do. WTF!! I asked what I was to do in the meantime. He didn’t say anything. He did say that if I had continued bone pain, to let my PCP know so he could order a bone scan to check for a bone infection. I have been having this pain for more than a year. I had a bone scan in November that didn’t say a thing about infection. I am so fucking pissed. I am done. I was speechless. As I walked to the train station, I put on Pearl Jam and listened to it LOUD.

My psych wanted me to let her know how the appt went. I told her I would page her when I got home. I emailed her because I was watching the game and didn’t feel like talking. I came home, made dinner as I watched the ball game, tweeted or posted on Facebook on the plays. I was so exhausted. I still am. I feel so lifeless. I have decided to put my plan into motion. Monday I will be making some phone calls. Soon as I have my affairs in order, I plan on going through with my plan.

at a complete loss

At a complete loss

I had requested my medical records from the pain clinic to see what they said about me. Mostly I wanted to see if they got things right and then see what else the fellow wrote. Basically, they don’t want to treat me because of excuse after excuse in opioid therapy. They really didn’t offer much in ways of treatment, other than to continue with PT (don’t see that happening if my pain is not controlled!)

I feel defeated. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will tell her I plan on seeing an assisted suicide doctor. I don’t see what choice I have. I do have my second appt with the pain clinic but at this point, why bother? They aren’t going to do anything to help me. It says as much in their notes. I am not idiot.

I got my medical insurance invoice. The premium is now over $200 I have to pay every month. Just lovely. I knew it would be as my medical (not including vision and dental) is $198. Unfortunately, I need this in order to pay for my prescriptions.

I know my family and friends and bloggers will miss me. I wish I could stay. I just can’t bear the pain anymore. I was up and down stairs all day because we had the plumbers here to fix the shower. I also had to tell my mother what they were saying because she is hard of hearing. Even though I took a nap, I feel like shit. My ankle and foot are so damn angry at me because I took a shower. I had to. I haven’t had one all week! This is getting ridiculous. I was used to shower every other day. Now it’s maybe twice a week. Yeah, my quality of life is so good. Maybe I should cash in my pension from the hospital so my family won’t have to worry about funeral expenses. I know how hard it was when my father passed. We had a whopping few hundred dollar inheritance after all was said and done. Think I bought groceries with mine. I live the life. HAHA.

I know my psychiatrist is going to put up a fight with me. I am not looking forward to it. I hate arguing with her. But she is for life. She has done her best to keep me alive all these years. Just wish other doctors were as dedicated. She has been my biggest supporter, even when I thought there was nothing left for me do, as I have many times before. This time feels different. I don’t know when. I think I shall start the process of getting my pension and once I have it, pay off all my debts then give the remainder to my sister to “hold” for me. I know what a pain it will be to access my accounts once I am gone. It was hell just to write a check when my father passed.

My choices are becoming clearer

My choices are becoming clearer

I thought my PCP was understanding in how I was using my medication. He was taking notes on how I was using it and I thought he was okay with it. As what I am using right now is not the count that can last me the 28 days, I am frequently running low on meds by the time of my next refill. I sent him an email saying that I would like a count increase and that is when he says he can’t do it. Fucker! I feel so damn upset that yet another doc is refusing to help me with my pain. It is making suicide a lot easier to pull off.

I was really cold, again, today. I took a nap after made some breakfast/lunch. I had made coffee but it didn’t help to warm me or keep me awake. I was again up in the middle of the night and had shit sleep. I woke up feeling really hot and sweaty. I was having a dream about some female actresses that was just weird. I woke up and my foot and ankle were throbbing. I missed my dose because I was sleeping. I took a pill when I got up. Now I am cold again.

I’m going back to bed soon. I am going to find my will tomorrow and make some changes. I am also going to leave a note for my family saying that they should consider suing my PCP’s office for their neglect of my pain. I hate to bring the law into this but malpractice is malpractice. I am not getting the level of care that I need and am just being blown off.