don’t give a fuck Saturday

Don’t give a fuck Saturday

I woke up around 11 or so. I needed coffee. I had a late night listening to the ball game as they went into extra innings. We won 13-6 in the 15th. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made coffee. I had a pop tart with it and then went up to my room. By the time I got to my room, my ankle flared up. I got really depressed. I took some pain meds and waited for them to work.

I decided to read for a bit hoping that would distract me from my pain. I finished my coffee and brought my cup downstairs. I ate some turkey breast and then decided to take a nap. My ankle wasn’t having none of it. I really wanted to die at this point. I couldn’t take anymore pain meds as I just took them. It was a gnawing type of pain all around my ankle bone. I posted some things on Facebook and took an Ativan. Then I put some lidocaine on my ankle, which the bone was tender to the touch. I then forced myself to lie down and try and sleep. I put the AC on energy saver so I wouldn’t freeze my ass off.

I just didn’t care anymore. My Buckeyes were playing and I could care less. My Huskers were too. Sox are playing now. I just want to sleep. I am tired of being in pain. Tired of being.

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trans issues and other things on a Friday

Trans Issues and other things on a Friday

I was having lunch with my mother this afternoon. She had made tuna and I was having some with crackers. As I had made my decision to change my name soon, I thought I would tell her that. She seemed okay with me changing my name so I went a little further and told her I was trans. She asked what I meant and I said that I am a man in a female body. I also said that I plan on going forward with getting hormones so I could be a man. She seemed okay with it. I was overjoyed. I went up to her and said, are you okay with me being a man? She said, you dress like one anyway.

I felt such relief, my head was spinning. I texted everyone and then wrote on Twitter. I got a lot of responses that were supportive. I still can’t believe my mother, who I was convinced hated me, said the words, “I just want you to be happy”. My sister sent me the most supportive message, which is what I needed to hear because my mood has been so dark lately.

After lunch, I went to my room and tried to write a blog solely on the transgender issue but pain interrupted that. I tried napping to ease it and my foot/ankle cramped up. I didn’t want to take an Ativan because I really didn’t want to sleep so heavy or feel out of it, like the Neurontin is making me. I took some magnesium supplements and waited a few hours. I went down to the basement to fetch my dirty gravy and some frozen dinners. Tomorrow I will heat up the gravy and make some pasta for lunch.

I don’t know why my pain is so damn high. All I did was shower and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes, which I have had in a while. They were good, even though I forgot to put sugar in the batter. But that is why you use syrup. I also made coffee, which was good as I used spring water rather than tap and boiled it in a pan rather than the tea kettle. I wanted to see if there would be a different taste and there was. The downside was that because I used the amount of water for the cup, it wasn’t enough for the coffee so the coffee was a bit strong, good though. I needed it to get me through the fog I was in.

A friend of mine is reading my Darkness Always Wins book. I guess I didn’t edit it too well as she found some typos. She is going to read the book and then edit it for me. I can always upload changes to the book. I sent her the word doc for the book so she will get back to me when she is done reading it. She said she is advertising my book to anyone that might be interested in it. I thought that was sweet of her. The sales haven’t been so great on this book so any advertising would be awesome.

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Ankle Chronicles 14

Ankle Chronicles 14

I had to look up the last time I wrote about this. It was almost a year ago. I know I talk about my ankle and foot pain in most of my blogs but sometimes I dedicate a blog solely to my ankle. It helps me takes my mind off the pain.

I took a lot of Neurontin tonight. I just couldn’t deal. Unfortunately, it didn’t take care of the bone pain that I felt. I slept for a few hours and then I wanted some cocoa pebbles. I threw in some granola and oats cereal that I had. I like mixing the two. It tastes really good. I am hoping later today to make oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a while.

I haven’t called any physical therapy (PT) places. Thing is, most of these places you need to fax in the prescription order before they call you. It is ridiculous. I don’t know if they will help me or harm me. I am going to try and fax the script over to Spaulding Rehab which is down the street from me rather than go to Charlestown. Both places seem to be good though I never have had PT at the place down the street. I just seen the physiatrist (bone and muscle specialist). Thing that bothers me is that my PCP didn’t give me the diagnosis of CRPS. He just wrote “ankle pain of unknown etiology”. Etiology mean they don’t know the cause of the pain. I am so frustrated with not having the diagnosis of CRPS when I clearly have it. It is pissing me off to the nth degree.

I woke up from my 2.5 hour nap. My ankle felt okay so I didn’t take the cane down the stairs with me when I had the bowl of cereal. When I was placing the bowl on the table, my ankle acted up. I was not happy. It settle down though. I had take my pain meds an hour ago so I should get some relief soon. I also took an Ativan to get back to sleep. I am not sure if I am going to sleep all day or not. I might sleep in spirts. Because I took a high dose of Neurontin, I am not sure how my sleep will be. I am just glad that the burning and nerve pain is not there. Sometimes it’s difficult to know physical pain from nerve pain. You just know that you hurt really bad and you want it gone, no matter what.

Other than sleeping off the Neurontin and making pancakes, I was thinking of making the lemon sour cream cookies that I made last week. I need to use up the sour cream before it goes bad. If I don’t make it today, I will try tomorrow. I really like baking. It’s fun. Now that I know what temp to cook the cookies at and not leave a pan on the bottom rack, I think it will be cookie time for a while. The cookies are great with coffee. I brought them with me when I went to Starbucks.

My ankle bone is hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill soon. This pill is the only thing that takes away that pain. I hate taking it because lately I have had problems peeing. I sit on the toilet and it take a while for me to pee. I hate having this hesitancy. It’s awful. It also increases my constipation so I don’t go for a few days at a time. I have to take fiber pills in order to go. It is such a balancing act.

While I was trying to sleep, all I thought about was killing myself. The pain was just so bad and I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I hate it when I am overtired. It always makes me suicidal. I keep wanting to end my life in my backyard but I am too afraid of being eaten by animals. I just want the pain to be gone and I don’t really care that it will take my life in the process. I don’t really have a life worth living.

I checked my sales for last month. I sold 3 of my memoir books. 2 books and one eBook. I am feeling sad that no one has bought my second book, at all. Only person to buy it was my psychiatrist and a friend in Ireland. She bought the Kindle version. I think I sold more as signed books than I have through Amazon. I am going to try and talk to an independent book store that I pass by every week when I go to therapy. Maybe they will stock one or both of my books. It will be interesting to see. I don’t know if they will do it but I can ask. I just need the courage to do it.

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espresso, exhaustion, and pain

Espresso, exhaustion, and pain

I woke up several times during the night and early morning. I kept having weird dreams. I finally got up around 11. I wanted espresso, though I really didn’t feel like going out to get it. I had to return the thing I bought from Amazon so I figure I might as well get something to eat and my favorite drink.

Allergies were bad today. I keep sniffling and my nose keeps running. Didn’t help that they were cutting the grass. I love the smell of fresh cut grass but sometimes it makes my allergies worse. The bus was late and I was contemplating going back home. But I stuck it out and did my errand.

I think the soy milk was bad because there was residue at the bottom of the cup and the drink didn’t taste right. I drank some of it and wanted a nap. I didn’t feel like writing. I just wanted to go home. The next bus wasn’t for another hour so I played with my phone. A friend that I had met in the hospital sent me a pic of my book. She was reading it and liked it a lot. That made me feel good. I was feeling pretty depressed most of the day, suicidal at times. I am having a hard time because pain is making me crazy.

The bus came and I wasn’t even half way done with my espresso. I tried to drink more of it while on the ride home but it was so bitter it was hard to do. I dumped it when I got off the bus. I went to Walgreens to get a Dew Kickstarter. It’s like an energy drink. Maybe that will keep me from going to sleep. I don’t know. I got to my street and my ankle exploded. FUCK. Going up the stairs was torture. Then my bladder told me it needed to be relieved so I had to go back down the stairs. It was really muggy in the house so I was sweating. I hate the heat so bad. I am glad I brought the cane with me when I went downstairs. My ankle didn’t want to work at all.

I am really tired but I don’t want to sleep for fear of screwing up my sleep cycle, whatever the hell that is at the moment. I have a lot of things going on in Oct. I talked to my friend last night and we coordinated a dinner date south of Boston with my friend’s family. They wanted to do it on a Monday but because I have therapy, I can’t go. I also have the meeting with the pain group coordinator the following day. Then every Thursday there is an appt. I meet with the new neuro and then I have my physical. I hope somewhere in between to get my name changed. I was hoping the 1st week in Oct but I don’t think that will happen. I still need to call the courthouse to find out what kind of payment they accept for name changes. I’ll call after I finish this blog as it will be before closing time.

My Sox lost last night. It was a crappy night. They had a rain delay around 9 or 10 and I took that time to go to sleep. I wasn’t sure if the game was going to be postponed or continued and I wasn’t staying up to find out.

This weekend, I am going to try and buy some more zucchini so I can make the zucchini bread I made a few weeks ago. I want to bring it in to my psychiatrist. She loved the cookies I made. I somehow got to figure out a day and time to get my fasting blood work done. I’d say morning but I am never up in the morning anymore. Very rare that I am up before 9 these days because I have such an erratic sleep pattern.

I think my not sleeping is really fucking with my mood. Since I have been sleeping more and have no energy, my depression has deepened and I’m thinking a lot about suicide. I keep imagining my death and how I would do it. I got no plans to act on my thoughts but keep wondering if I could act. I just feel so miserable. Being in pain all the time is not fun and you can’t get used to it because it changes all the time. I tried to push through today and it exhausted me more than if I stayed home. I haven’t showered all week and I don’t care. Just feel really hopeless that things are never going to get better, that I am stuck with my ankle and foot acting up whenever they feel like it, regardless of whether or not I have done anything. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

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Is it pain or depression making you tired?

Is it pain or depression making you tired?

Past two days, I have been sleeping a lot. Yesterday was hard after my PCP’s appt because I was in so much pain, I couldn’t sleep. But after the pain settled down, I was able to sleep, least until 0530 when pain woke me up again. I stayed up till 0700 so I could shut off the medication alarms that would go off in a few hours. Since that time, I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. I feel so lifeless. I don’t have motivation to do anything. One of my cousin’s invited my sisters and I to her house Friday night. I don’t think we are going to go. I just feel so shitty and I’m sure my sisters would be able to come up with some excuse. It would be nice to see them again, though. I just don’t have a car to see them even if I wanted to. She is not on a bus line.

My suicidality is also up. The intense pain that I was feeling this morning really triggered me. I am counting up the days. I don’t care. I should pick a date and then go through with it but I don’t want to do that. I really don’t want to exist.

I wanted a hug from my sister last night so asked her to come up as I wasn’t able to go down. She had an asthma attack soon as she entered my room. I felt really bad. I am going to get an air purifier. I need to vacuum my rug. That is the hard part. I don’t have the energy or the stamina to do it. I’ve been meaning to do it for weeks now. There is no way it is happening today. I don’t have enough energy for anything. I feel like a lump on a log. I was able to brush my teeth today. Yesterday, I didn’t at all. I just couldn’t bring myself to.

I sent multiple emails to my psych yesterday and I think this morning. I have not had any replies. Probably too busy. I told her I got my lab orders in the computer so I just need to fast to get my blood drawn. I’ll probably get it done next week when I see her next. I almost felt like paging her last night as I felt so shitty and overwhelmed with pain. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this if my foot doesn’t get better. It’s been gnawing me all day.

My mother made supper, pasta with oil and garlic. My stomach is probably going to be in knots as garlic has been bothering my stomach lately. I like the flavor ok but not the cloves. Afterwards, my ankle and foot started bothering me and it was really hot in the kitchen so I left for my room. It’s really warm today so I have the AC on. Hopefully when the temps drop, I won’t freeze my butt off.

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