Feeling sick after covid booster
I had my booster last night and today I feel run down. My arm is sore, of course but I have this fatigue hanging over me like no tomorrow. I also feel wicked cold at time. I am not running a fever but I am keeping an eye out.
I tried reading today as I want to finish the Linehan memoir. I just don’t have the right head space to read. I read a couple of chapters and then I had to stop. If I feel better tonight, I will read another few more chapters.
My aunt came to see my mother today. She was really worried about me when I was in the hospital. She wanted to see me but I guess every time she called, I wasn’t there. I don’t know if that means I was off the floor or mentally I wasn’t there. I don’t know if I still have the protection on my account from being an employee. I don’t recall any psych nurses having to “break the glass” when accessing my record.
My pcp sent me a message asking how I was doing. I thought that was nice of her to check in with me. My BP this morning was high but it leveled off after I took my meds. My pulse was high too. It is still over a hundred now. I didn’t tell her I felt icky because of the covid booster. It is to be expected the next few days at least. I am to give my weekend BP readings on Monday.
I called to make an appointment with PT today. Because I still have the visiting nurse coming to see me, I can’t have outpt PT just yet. I am upset about this. This is just delaying my care. I am going to ask the nurse to stop seeing me on Monday. I would have today but I forgot to bring it up.
My lower back has been flared up since yesterday. I don’t know why but I am in pain. I have tried stretching it out and that helps but only for a short period of time. I am not getting pain in my legs so that is good. I hope PT can help ease the back issues. I’ve been taking a muscle relaxant to help ease the spasms I have been getting. So far it has helped some.
Psych appointment and other things
I had an appointment today with my psychiatrist. He was pretty worried about me. I told him how things were and how anxious I was about the intrusive memories I have been getting. I asked for Ativan and he gave it to me. Because they are still being cautious with me, I only got a two week supply of my meds, which sucks. I just hope they don’t do this in the new year because the Latuda will cost me $60/month otherwise and I won’t be able to afford that.
I realized when I picked up my meds that I need to renew my driver’s license. It expires on my birthday, which is this month. I just tried to update it and the stupid thing crashed on me. I think I have to go in person. Fucking a. all because of the stupid REAL ID bullshit. I had to submit my birth certificate which still has my sex as female and dead name. I couldn’t use my passport because it is expired.
I need to go back to the pharmacy tonight to get my Covid booster and pick up the other meds that I couldn’t pick up at the other pharmacy. My back has been in spasms all day today for whatever reason so I had to take methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant. It has helped.
I took a shower today and that didn’t help my back troubles. Even while I was in the hospital and took a shower, my back cramped up on me. My feet also cramped today. I have been getting a lot of foot cramps lately and I don’t know why as I have been taking magnesium supplements since coming home from the hospital.
It’s almost 6pm and I am starting to lose gas. I am feeling really sleepy and tired. Every single night at this time I feel like taking a nap. In the hospital, I just fell asleep and then woke up to take my night meds. Sometimes I would be up for a little bit and other times I just went back to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night. Then I would be up for the whole day. Pattern hasn’t changed, though while I have been home, I have avoided going to bed at this time. I still wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but most of the time I am up for the remainder of the day, which sucks.
I am so glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything but see the visiting nurse. I don’t know how long I will see her. I will ask tomorrow. I don’t feel I need to see her anymore. I am doing ok on my own and it isn’t like she is offering me a huge support anyways. I plan on just reading the Linehan memoir and finish it before the weekend. I started reading Dune while in the hospital. I finished the first book. I didn’t feel like starting the second book. I didn’t realize it was broken down by books. It is a big book to read but it is very interesting with its subplots.
Am I good enough?
Tonight I texted a best friend. I told him that I credited him with saving my life. He responded saying that I did the same for him. I was there when he needed someone. I started thinking about my good bye letters that I had written more than a year ago. I had written one to him as he doesn’t always see things online and if someone had posted my passing he would miss it. I have been thinking about this package that I had done tonight as I continue trying to put a foot forward after my suicide attempt.
The past hour I have been flooded with memories of the hospital and the delusions. One of the delusions was of Marsha Linehan coming to this house to have a piece of pepperoni pizza and being denied it because the house had too many death smells to it. I was reminded of this memory/delusion as I read her memoir and reading the part where she loves sports car. David Jobes had been driving her around Boston in a convertible. The house was of the people that used to live here before I moved in. She was supposed to come back but never did, or so the delusion goes. Jobes came to my house to see if dead people can be brought back to life. This was because I thought I had died for whatever reason. I don’t think I will ever know how close to dying I came as this was a very serious attempt on my life. I was very sick from the overdose.
I am wondering if I am a good person. While I was in the psych unit at the hospital, the staff really liked me. Most would spend time with me and talk with me, even if on stuff that wasn’t serious. We would talk about sneakers or baseball (the World Series was going on as I was admitted). I even had a running joke with one of the staff members about tea. He would sing the song “tea for two” every time I requested a cup and he was around or would see me with the cup as I would often go to my room to drink it. One of the nurses kept on telling me I was a nice guy and that the nurses loved me because I didn’t cause trouble. Does this make me a good person? I don’t feel like I am a good person because I still have suicidal thoughts. I am always thinking of a way out. It is in my nature at this point. I am already scheming a way to end my life even though I am not in despair.
I have therapy tomorrow and will discuss these things. I don’t know if I will tell her I am scheming again. I really haven’t found life worth living despite my top surgery moving forward. I know I will feel better and more congruent with how I feel about myself, for the most part. I am trying to lose some weight but it is hard right now as I can’t even walk 100 feet without getting winded or short of breath. I tried to control my eating while I was in the hospital but the meds and boredom made me hungry. I have gained back the weight l lost.
I am feeling pretty rotten right now. Nothing really happened to bring it on except the memories/delusions of the past three months. I am anxious and have nothing to calm myself down. I read in Linehan’s memoir about breathing and counting as you breathe. I find that just noticing my breathing in and out helps to center me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it makes me more panicky. I cannot wait to see my psychiatrist on Thurs so I can get some Ativan.
I have been a week out of the hospital now and I am still adjusting outside of the hospital. I have been managing my meds without any help. The visiting nurse is useless. All she does is check in with me for like five minutes, takes my blood pressure and then leaves. I hope this is the last week with her.
It is almost 0300. I had a few hours of sleep and had to pee so now I am up. I fucking hate this bullshit of not being able to get back to sleep. I am tired as fuck. I keep on thinking of stupid shit that is keeping me up. I hate being up in the middle of the night. Just makes me tired the rest of the day.
Feeling the way I do…
I had a busy morning. I woke up later than I wanted to so I didn’t go to the pharmacy early to pick up my meds. I had just enough time to make a cup of coffee then catch the bus to the train station for my appointment with my pcp. I was nervous as the first two times I saw her I was in a catatonic state. It went well. I met the nurse I have been conversing with via the patient website messages. I had met her while I was catatonic but didn’t remember her name. I also met the new medical assistant in the clinic. It was surreal as they remember when I was sick and not in the right mind. My pcp changed my blood pressure medication and I hope I don’t go into tachycardia because I am coming off the medication I had overdosed on. I am okay with this but am worried my blood pressure is going to be high the next few days as I adjust to the new medication. We also talked about top surgery and she will be contacting the surgeon’s office to move up the appointment once my blood pressure is better controlled. The last thing we discussed was going to PT to get reconditioned again as I am so out of shape. I get so easily out of breath and fatigued. I had to come home after the appointment because I am tired. I am going to take the Uber to the pharmacy that is a few towns over as I don’t think I can take public transportation right now. I am so fatigued.
I had Starbucks. I ordered my mocha and a sandwich for lunch. I didn’t make breakfast this morning because I was pressed for time. It took me forever to walk the couple of blocks back to the station. The escalator was out of service at the station so I had to take the elevator to the platform. I was so tired but I had to go to the pharmacy to get my new meds. I still have to go to the other pharmacy to get my psych meds. This will be the last time going there as I am switching to the pharmacy in the Square so it is more convenient for me and I can go to Starbucks after or before to get my caffeine fix.
It was weird walking around the hospital where I was hospitalized for two months. They had construction going on in front of the building I had to go to. They had knocked down the school that was there for at least 100 years. The whole block was blocked off and detoured. I had to walk further than I wanted to because of this. I had to get my glasses adjusted after the pcp appointment. I just felt like it took forever to get where I was going. I kept having to stop to catch my breath. I hope PT helps me and I see the PT I used to work with. I have a good relationship with her.
My baby sister called me. She is going to have her husband pick up my meds as he will be in the town it is in. I don’t have to go out again. I am so relieved. I don’t have to go out tomorrow. I just have three things to do: see the visiting nurse and my therapist and take my T shot. I also need to take my blood pressure. I need to record the readings for the next week or so for my pcp. She is monitoring me closely.
I have no idea what I want to have for dinner. I didn’t order more frozen dinners with my latest grocery order. I kind of forgot to. I just ordered deli meat and American cheese. I might make an egg and cheese burrito. It has been a very long time since I had that as a meal.
I am so fricken tired. I hope I sleep tonight. I have had bouts of insomnia since coming home from the hospital because I don’t have anything I can take for anxiety. I need to ask my psychiatrist on Thursday for some Ativan as I don’t have it. I hope he will give it to me. It really helps me.