Groceries and a webinar
I ordered groceries yesterday and they came today, a little bit later than I was expecting them. I was up most of the night because I fell asleep early so I woke up around midnight. Then I got hungry so had some granola. I also drank a bottle of Gatorade so I was going to the bathroom every two hours to empty my bladder. I gave up around 4 and fell asleep. I was having a nice dream when my alarm woke me up.
I bought a lot of food this time. Vegetables and chicken and veggie burgers. I had bought regular burgers but they were out of stock on it. I was so bummed. I also bought ice cream sandwiches because I was craving them and none of the convenient stores around here sell them. After I put things away and rested a bit downstairs, I thought I missed my therapy appointment. But it’s Wed not Thurs. Also by the time I was done, it was time for the webinar to start.
The webinar was by CAMS care which is lead by Dr. David Jobes, my idol. Today’s talk was about future thinking in suicide ideation. It is something currently being researched as it hasn’t been done before. Interesting data so far. They are working on how to apply it to clinical work. Interesting to bring up to my therapist tomorrow.
After the webinar, I was pooped so tried to take a nap. Within twenty minutes, my damn ankle went berserk. It felt like a knife was going through it. It was hard to move, to sit up to take my meds. I wanted to fucking die and honestly thought it would be better to just end it. On my therapist’s request, I moved my lethal means away from room. I have thought about retrieving it. I want to act on my feelings. I feel so worthless.
Tomorrow I see my pcp for a private issue. Treatment hasn’t worked so I feel hopeless. I’ll probably have to have a MRI done just to check my nerves. I doubt they will find anything as it is very specific nerves we are talking about. Sucks she will be leaving the end of the month. I don’t know who my new PCP will be until then. Sucks. It will be the 4th pcp in 5 years.
What is beyond tired?
I had a good sleep last night. I woke up around 7 to pee, took my meds, then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I brushed my teeth and then had coffee. Now I feel like I can go back to bed again.
Omg hardest therapy session I’ve ever had. She agreed to do the safety planning sheet by Brown and Stanley much to my surprise. Then came the last part where it says to make environment safe. I said skip that and she said nope. Fucking fuck. We also went over boundaries about texting. She wants me to text her when I am having intense suicidal thoughts and thinking about acting on it. I tend to text her when I am feeling really hopeless and basically having a bad day so we came up with a code word to use. We then discussed ketamine and she is both for and against the use. Basically she doesn’t want me to have flashbacks and does want me to build new networks. I struggle with doing things outside of treatment so doing this is going to be hard. Now I need an Ativan and Tylenol for my anxiety and headache I have. Fucking fuck. I have a safety plan after 30 years in therapy and being suicidal.
This is what I wrote on Twitter yesterday after my appointment with my therapist. I still can’t believe she agreed to do the safety planning. It took almost all session to do. I am glad we talked about when to text her and stuff. She was really adamant about me texting her if I felt really suicidal. I asked her how am I to let her know when I am feeling suicidal and acting on it versus my usual wanting to die. So we came up with a code word. I also reluctantly moved my lethal means to another area of the house so it is not in my room. I really didn’t want to do this but she insisted.
I went to the chronic pain group today. I got a little support around pain meds needing prior authorizations. It was a good group. I might go next week.
I don’t know why I am so tired today. I slept through the night, which was unusual for me. I only woke up once. I took a nap for a couple of hours until my cath alarm went off. I feel like I could go right to sleep. I didn’t eat lunch. I have a pot pie in the oven for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while. I place my grocery order for tomorrow. I ordered a bunch of stuff including chicken breast, which was on sale. I also ordered lemons so I will make a stir fry for tomorrow night.
Finally some answers
I have had bladder pain the past two weeks and over the weekend the pain got worse so I went reluctantly to the ED. I spent nearly 12 hours there as I was waiting for radiology to do the CT scan on me. There were 10 patients ahead of me and I thought about walking out. But I am glad I stayed because the scan showed I had bladder inflammation which possibly means infection as the urine was clear. I was put on antibiotics and I am glad they sent it to the pharmacy near me rather than the square.
I didn’t get home till around 2 am. I took a cab home as there was no T at that time. I had to do my med boxes but I first had a bowl of cereal because I was starving. All I had was the oatmeal with breakfast and that was it. I didn’t have lunch. Because I had to wait on the scan, I couldn’t eat or drink anything. They gave me IV morphine for the pain and it worked so good. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, I wasn’t in pain in my midsection.
I tried to sleep but I kept on having bad dreams. One of them was about seeing some kids fall off a porch and I couldn’t catch them in time. I think I got a total of like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I just came back from the pharmacy and I am sweating. It is warm out but not really hot. I would sweat anyways. I am going to ask my pcp if she would put in a standing order of antibiotics in case the bladder pain comes back. I hope she doesn’t refer me to fucking uro because they are useless. I had a legit reason for my pain and I don’t want to have to have a CT scan every time it flares up because the urine is negative. I haven’t gotten the culture back yet. It could be in the afternoon or tomorrow if there is something in there. The nurse had to straight cath me and I don’t know why they just didn’t let me do it in the first place. She missed so I ended up using my own catheter and getting the urine specimen. I had so much lube it was difficult to locate the urethra because it like to play hide and seek on me. When I went to get back on the stretcher, there was a brown stain on the sheet and for a moment I thought I shit the bed but then I realized it was the betadine. Nurse was in a rush. She didn’t get the IV on me even though I told her where to go to get the vein. She didn’t listen so she didn’t get it. I get so frustrated when they don’t listen. Another nurse ended up getting me when I moved to another location of the ED. She was a very nice nurse, even though she got my pronouns wrong and called me a lady. I don’t understand why they do this (yes I do because they see my fucking chest) when they have my pronouns in my chart! The doctor was cool in asking my pronouns and what I wanted to be called. I do have to say that the IV morphine went to my head. It was spinning like a top. Then I got the worse case of chest pain/anxiety for about 10 mins.
I brought my book and was able to read at least a chapter of it. I wanted to read another chapter but by then it was after 11pm and they dimmed the lights so much I couldn’t read. I am making headway in the book and should be finished sometime this week if I keep at it. There is only like 5 chapters left.
I don’t know if I said this before but the cognitive therapy book I was looking for, I already bought. I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t go buying two books. It would have been nice if Amazon had told me this when I first looked it up rather than having a google search tell me. I had bought the book in 2015. I think I have it in my room. I will go looking for it once I finish the book I am reading now, though I just ordered Beck’s Cognitive therapy for suicide behavior so might read that first as it is handy.
I have therapy today. Therapist just texted me asking if I still wanted to meet today and I said that I did. I want to talk about my dreams some more. Also want to talk more about my suicidal feelings. Going to tell her things got bad Saturday night. I wasn’t going to act but the pain just made me think about death and I started planning the end. When I was in that state, I had no thoughts about reaching out to talk to someone, much less getting help or calling a crisis line. I have firmly resolved that if I do act, I won’t text her saying so. I honestly believe, while in the state, no one can help me. It’s like the Linkin Park song, nobody’s listening. The signs are there but no one is paying attention.
Pain shouldn’t happen early in the day
I just woke up and went downstairs to have my coffee and some oatmeal. After I finished the oatmeal, my ankle starting hurting me. I finished the rest of my coffee and then cleaned up, washing my cup out. I have to wash it out because other wise it gets put in the dishwasher and gets spider scratches on the cup. I just took my pain med and ibuprofen. I need to do my med boxes today, but I usually wait until the afternoon to do them.
Today I plan on reading for at least a couple of hours. I want to read at least two chapters, if I am up to it, three. I have lost interest in the ball game because I just don’t care anymore. They are losing anyways and it is just a disappointment. Such talent and nothing to show for it.
I finally had a decent bowel movement. The belt that was around my waist is gone, least for now. I still feel backed up so will be taking some more Miralax soon. I am not going out tomorrow and my therapy appointment is in the afternoon so I should be ok, though sometimes my nerves from the appointment causes my bowels to go berserk. Sometimes it is a false alarm and sometimes it is get to the bathroom now, even though my appointment starts in ten minutes.
Last night I was having severe bladder pains. I almost went to the ED as they were so bad. I am still hurting today but not as bad. It has been two weeks now that I have been having this pain. I will send a message to my pcp to see what to do about it. They probably will just tell me to go to uro so I will send a message there as well.
I went to bed around 2100 only to wake up at midnight. I stay up for a couple of hours and then went back to sleep. Woke up again around 6 to pee but was able to get back to sleep. Soon as my ankle starts to calm down a bit, I plan on throwing some clothes in the washer. I need to wash some clothes. I usually just put them in the hamper for my mother to do them but I want it done now as I just bought some clothes and want to wear them.
I think I am going to make another cup of coffee and then read my book. I am getting tired. Pain wears me out so much the past few days. I hate it because all I want to do is sleep. But I never can sleep during the day anymore for some reason. My mind wanders and it keeps me up.