Noise from outside is causing my foot/ankle to go ballistic. I can’t block put the sounds. I don’t even know what to do as this hasn’t happened in a while. I know part of it is because I was up at 0300. I had a hard time going back to sleep and then when I did, I only slept for a little over an hour. My med alarm went off. I should have taken my meds and shut the damn thing off.
I am not suicidal, yet. Pain is manageable right now. It is around an 8. If it goes above that I will take a breakthrough med. Maybe some lorazepam, too. Ankle has been throbbing since I woke up. I feel so out of sorts. Just feeling blah. Keep having to clear my throat but nothing is coming up. It is really irritated. Been drinking fluids but it doesn’t seem to help. Should see if a cough drop will help.
I had a little lunch and feel so fucking bloated like i had a huge meal. I haven’t really been eating and lost 3 lbs in a week. I just keep losing weight because of no fricken appetite. I want to make my chili cornbread casserole dish. I just got to find the energy to go to the store. Not sure how the tyrant (sister) will take to me cooking instead of going through my stuff. Man has got to eat, right?
Hoping to see my therapist this week but may not happen. I am restarting PT for my back this week. My voice finally came back Friday and everyone has said it is deeper than it has been. Think the hot shower I took the other night might have relaxed the muscles in my neck and shoulders enough to let the whatever above my cords be free. Someone in my support group said that that could be it as she went through a bout of laryngitis too while under stress. I don’t know. Just can’t stand walking on eggshells at home. Sets off my PTSD and increases my anxiety.
Haven’t been to Starbucks in a week. Still have my iced coffee but it is not the same as espresso. Probably could use it today but I don’t feel like going out today. Getting dressed would kill me and I know the outing will exhaust me more than the espresso can work. Maybe tomorrow.
I talked with my sister about stuff. The construction may not happen this year as the contractor hasn’t given her the price and I guess we can’t get permits until we have one. I have no idea about that stuff.
I am still feeling depressed. I sent a message to my psych about whether we are ok or not because I have been in touch with her so much lately. She said she gets it because I’ve been in so much distress. That made me feel better. But the suicidal stuff remains. Not sure if the therapist can help me. I just feel so hopeless and other than my psych, don’t have much support around my issues. I have my online friends but some get it others put me down or blow me off. Ends up with me not reaching out because why bother. I won’t do group therapy again. I haven’t found one to really help with my issues and chronic pain. One excluded me because of my suicidal thoughts. Another one, a member told me I should just kill myself. That was totally helpful. I never went back after that.
Not sure what I am doing today. I still am not 100% awake. I only got up to take my meds and can’t really get back to sleep.
Since I woke up, my fricken malleolus has been killing me. Just being hammered. I had taken melatonin last night but only got around 5 hours as pain kept me up till around or after midnight. I possibly could have easily been up 24 hours. I am glad the melatonin didn’t let me sleep in 2 hour increments but I think it is because I didn’t have gabapentin on board.
I am in a lot of distress and despair. I am trying to avoid sending my psych yet another email about how bad I just don’t want to live anymore but all I am doing is making her worried. She has been really awesome trying to support me through this. I had to tell her the other night that I don’t expect her to fix this. I know she can’t. No one can. She doesn’t want to see me suffer so much either. I just want her to listen to the crazy despair and hopelessness. I understand that she feels that if the pain was gone, the hopelessness and possibly intense suicidality would too.
My friend in the UK just moved to Scotland. When I told her last week I was going to end it, she asked if my family could send her a letter I wrote out so she would know. I wrote the letter and it is in the envelope I have of stuff I wrote should I do go through with it. Way i feel right now, if I could fucking move, I would go through with it. As much discord that is going on with my family, I just can’t have them find me in my room. I have to be out of the house. Go to my happy place one last time and end it there.
Been seven months of feeling this intense suicidal feelings over this cruel condition. Yes, family stuff, psych leaving, trans stuff has contributed but 90% is due to this unpredictable pain. I can do some stuff and hurt. Can do the same stuff the next day and not hurt as much. I learned today that if I don’t have deep sleep, it doesn’t reset the pain. I took a nap this afternoon and slept around 2 hours. Pain had gone. Then I showered and it flared back up again. I hate being in this much misery night after fucking night. It has to end. Just has to. Nothing matters to me anymore. I’ve lost interest in so many things, including writing here. This used to bring me so much content. Stats would make me happy someone was reading even if only 12 people read for the day. Usually it is the same blogs though, not my recent stuff (but could as it is my home page that is above the other stuff).
I don’t think I will make it to 44. I refuse to make a plan for 1 or 2 weeks anymore. Just going to be in a day or two from the hell I am in. I just cannot go on like this. There is no point. No I am not going to act this week. I can’t as my cousin is getting married and I don’t want my death to ruin it. Still need to mail out her gift I made. Shit and a card. I still can’t believe I packed up the gift and didn’t put in a card. Idiot I am. Will try and remember this week.
Been doing a fair amount of walking today, which wasn’t my intention. I tried to nap but noise kept me up every time I thought I was going to doze off. Foot/ankle are all swelled up and hurt like fucking hell. Pain is easy a 12 right now. Feeling so fucking suicidal. Bones are just aching and feeling crushed. It is always the trigger. One day it is going to set off the gun and swear once it is in motion, I am not going to stop. Be foolish to. I can’t take pain getting worse or my back being a time bomb. It is always half my goddamn foot/ankle. Going to be a long night. Glad I took my pain meds early, though might need another one in a few hours. Hate taking pills all the fucking time for this.
I got the start of PT next week but with my voice being shot, I don’t think I will go. I will just get a referral when I can speak without it hurting so bad afterwards. I am supposed to go back to laryngology in 3 months. The PA said I can cancel if I am “better”. Honestly the woman is whacked. Should send her a message and see if she knows why the whatever it is is making it hard to speak. I never asked her that.
Temps are supposed to drop tomorrow so I am going to be hurting. Temp went up to fricken 80 today. I thought we were done with hot temps. But that is Boston for you.
Mood has been awful today. Just feel so hopeless and with pain hitting me at night, just makes it worse. Really don’t see how this is going to change. Was supposed to have therapy tomorrow but I canceled. Too painful to talk. Never thought I’d lose my voice in so many ways. First is writing and second is literally. Guess my psych is not going to see that book published.