Black Daily Word Prompt 12 Nov

Black (Daily Word Prompt 12-Nov)

I love the song Black by Pearl Jam so the Word Prompt was perfect.

I woke up early after going to bed late due to pain. I slept until around 2 when I went back to sleep. I didn’t feel like going out to do one errand. I’ll do it tomorrow. I thought I had PT but it’s not on my appointment list. No point in showing up just for them to tell me to go home. I cancelled next week because I got to go to the Registry to renew my license and change my gender. I’ll write up a letter and send it to my psychiatrist for her to sign. I’ll bring a copy of it just in case it gets lost in her email. I’ve been getting conflicting information so I’ll have both with me plus the legal document for the name change. I don’t have my gender changed on my birth certificate. That you can only do once you are surgically altered to be the sex you want to be. It also cost money, which I don’t have. When I have the top surgery, then I will worry about it.

I got a call from radiology for my bone scan. It was to remind me I have an appointment Thursday and also that the test takes fricken 5 hours. I’ll be bringing my Kindle and maybe a book. Hopefully I can go to Starbucks for coffee. It’s going to be a long day. I then have to see my psychiatrist the next day, early in the morning. I will have everything in my bag so I don’t forget anything as I won’t be coherent enough to remember shit at that hour.

Foot is acting up. I hate it when my bones hurt. That is worse than my “regular” pain. It’s harder to treat because it is so severe. Luckily, I am due for my pain meds so I just took them. If not, I will take the strong pain pill. Juggling these meds is a joke. Last night my foot and ankle were lighting up like a Christmas tree so I was up half the night. Going to be interesting to see when I have the sleep study if I will be able to sleep and if not, take my pain meds if I am in a flare. I’ll bring them with me, just in case. Night time is always bad for me. I just hope I can get a ride there so I don’t have to walk from the T station. It’s farther walk than the hospital I get my care at.

My UK royalties came in today, after waiting all year. A whopping $9. I can get a sandwich and a coffee at Starbucks, lol. I like that I am an international author but the payments for royalties other than USD takes forever to process because they have to be in USD or the bank rejects the deposit. There is nothing I can do about it as it is a foreign currency issue.

Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store as fresh cranberries are on sale. I want to make my Nantucket cranberry cake for Thanksgiving next week. I want to make a gluten free one for my sister’s mother in law as she has celiac. Hopefully it will come out okay. I’ll use the throw away pans that I bought. My mother wants me to buy some bacon as well as it is on sale. That is the only time my mother buys bacon. She likes the hickory smoked kind and I like the maple, though I really don’t care. Bacon is bacon. She will eat it as well.

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram and an ad popped up for some weight loss thing. It was a free trial so I am going to try it and see if I can lose some weight. You take it once a day, though I am not sure if it is a powder or a pill. I’m kind of stuck in that I can’t exercise so if this works and I lose at least 20 pounds or more, I will be happy. I just hope I don’t lose my kidneys or liver in the process. That is always my fear with these diet things. They say that it was on Dr. Oz so I am going with that.

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Today’s flare up brought to you by taking off a sock

Today’s flare up brought to you by taking off a sock

I was out of the house around 1140. As I was walking to the bus stop, my nephew was coming up the street. He was going to Walgreens. He offered me a ride rather than taking the bus but I said I would wait for the bus. He went and when he came back, I was still waiting for the bus. He really wanted to give me a ride so I took him up on it. It was faster than waiting for the stupid bus.

I went to Starbucks and got an eggnog latte with no nutmeg and a turkey bacon sandwich. The barista added the nutmeg. I was not happy but I drank it anyway. After I was done and wrote for a bit, I decided to go to the bank to make sure my name was right as I had received a letter with my birth name. The said everything was changed over so it might have just been a glitch.

I then went to the Sprint store to change my name. This is the 2nd attempt I made to do this. The first time I called, I was told that I had to change ownership. Then I looked at the website and it said I just needed to bring the legal document to a store and they could change it. I got to the store and the guy was telling me that I needed my changed license to change my name. Are you fucking kidding me?? I was so fucking annoyed. So after I get my name changed at the RMV next week and then get my actual license in about 10 days from then, I will go back to that jerk and have them change my name. What a waste of fucking time.

I had like 3 hours to go before my therapy appt. I rode the trains until it was time for me to get off at the stop to walk to my therapist’s office. It was a good session. I spent a good deal talking about being in the hospital and he wanted to know what was up with my ankle/foot. I explained it best I could and what would happen moving forward, which still looks bleak to me. I was able to move the bone scan to this Thursday. I don’t know how long it takes to interpret the results so I am hoping to have some answers soon or at least know what the treatment is.

Pain wise I was doing okay. On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick up some more Neurontin. Apparently, I still had a bottle from last month that never got used, yet. I’m not worried about it because I am not paying copays at this time so the more I have the better. I plan on getting a refill next month, too, and then I will be set for a few months. I had dinner and then went up to my room. I got undressed to put my PJs on. I took off my socks, and when I took it off on my bad foot, it flared up. So now I am in a LOT of fucking pain because the elastic irritated my foot. I took it off as slow as possible to avoid it but obviously, my ankle/foot didn’t care.

While I was riding the trains, I thought about going back to the hospital, not to torture myself, but to try and see if staying a little longer helps decrease the amount of suicidal feelings I have. I kind of got overloaded last night when I was in a flare and didn’t go to sleep till around 0330. I just wanted to fucking die and started making plans again. Now I am in another damn flare and I want to fucking die. I just used an ice pack on the back of my head and neck to distract me but I am cold so it didn’t stay very long. I got to get up soon to take my night meds. Not looking forward to that.

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Sunday Blog 12 Nov 2017

Sunday Blog 12 Nov 2017

I was able to shower today. I was kind of tired afterwards but I made coffee and then ordered some food. I read a couple chapters of Coraline. Then the pain in my ankle increased. I took some pain meds. It settled down, some. My sisters and I were planning to visit my aunt for her birthday and I didn’t want pain to stop me. Two hours later, I moved my ankle and it flared up. I was in a lot of pain. I didn’t want to have to take the strong pain pill but I also wanted to see my aunt who I haven’t seen in a few months. I took the pill and fiddled with my phone to distract myself.

I spent like 20 minutes in the BPD chat. Topic today was coping plans. I brought up the Stanley/Brown safety plan and a few people wanted to know more about it. Someone on twitter had a link to the PDF but I couldn’t find it in my “likes” or in a search. I also have a knack of remembering things but not the source so I didn’t know who tweeted it. I had to get ready for the party so I said I would get back to them.

My sisters and I went to my aunt’s house. My cousins were there and there was Chinese food. I ate a lot. It was good food. Then we had cake and my sister was introduced to Apple TV. She showed my cousins the pics she had taken when she went to Italy in June. We all had fun with the stories and watching the videos. My aunt got tired so we left. I was the last to leave as my aunt was hanging on me and she started crying. I felt bad. I left feeling really horrible. She is 93 and has dementia due to Parkinson’s disease. It’s terrible and her mind is getting worse with time. She is not the woman she was even 3 years ago. I don’t even think she knows who she is. I am glad she didn’t comment on my hair. I had shaved my sideburns and my goatee so there wouldn’t be trouble. I don’t think she knew who I was but then she didn’t know anyone most of the time.

I came home and tried to find the safety plan. After spending some time looking for it and not having any luck, I just decided to create it in my blog.

My pain is back up again. I am not sure I will be able to sleep tonight even though I am tired. I am feeling depressed about it. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow. If I can make the two phone calls I need to make and go to the Sprint store to change my name AND go to therapy, I will be happy. But right now, I don’t want to do anything but sleep. Tuesday I need to go to Market Basket to get some cranberries as they are on sale. I want to make my cranberry cake for Thanksgiving. I might make a gluten free version of it so my brother in law’s mother can have some. I don’t know if it will come out the same or even taste the same. I’ll have to ask my sister if she can have nuts as the recipe calls for walnuts and almond extract. I have no idea if gluten is in them. I’m too lazy to Google it.

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safety planning by Stanley and Brown

hey all,

I couldn’t find the link I used so I created one. here you go.



Posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental disorders, mental illness, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Veterans Day 2017

Veterans Day 2017

If you are a vet or active service man or woman, thank you for your service. Also, if you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and press 1 to connect to a peer Veteran. You matter.

I woke up in pain around 7 and slept. Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t feeling good. She had let my cousin in the house and then got the runs. He woke me up to get clean clothes for her. The way he was yelling, I thought she was having a hypoglycemic attack. Scared me. I am glad she was not. She still has the runs so I gave her some Imodium to help. Hope it works.

My pain has been medium for the past few hours. I haven’t done much today other than sleep. I had a dream I was back in the hospital and my roommate was telling me she found her name and address in the yellow pages. I woke up sweating because it was really hot in my room. I still have the AC in my window. I would have my brother in law take it out but he hurt his thumb at work and can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks. I am going to try and take it out tomorrow when my pain is lower. I really would love to have an open window. It’s cold out but with the heat my room gets really hot because I have the door closed most of the time. Even with the ceiling fan on, it is hot.

A good friend of mine called me after I had dinner. She wants me to come down after the holidays, either with my other friend or by myself. Now that I think about it, I could go down there and make them some sauce. She was drooling over the pic of when I made it a couple weeks ago. I was thinking of making sauce tomorrow but I really need to change my sheets. I would have done it today but I was in too much pain.

I started reading Neil Gaiman’s Coraline the other day. As usual, it’s weird. I read 1-3 chapters as they are kind of short. I had made some tea after I had dinner, with the intention of reading but never got around to it. I am feeling really tired and just want to sleep. I have been sleeping a lot since coming home from the hospital. I think the time change is messing with me. I’ll get used to it after a while and then the time will go back. I just feel so run down, though not in a sick way. I think dealing with the pain constantly just wears me out.

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