Sunday Blog 15-July-18

Sunday Blog 15 July 2018

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens. My sister made dinner so after I showered, I went downstairs. I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want a flare but my niece called and I couldn’t say no. Food was good. I had a cappuccino after I ate. I wanted to make coffee but I forgot to bring down a pod.

My foot is somewhat calmer today than the last few days. I took my morning meds way later than I wanted because I fell back to sleep when the alarm went off. I woke up in the middle of the night for some reason. I was probably cold as my room was hot and the AC was off. I didn’t want to get up for anything. I was just so worn out from the past two days of dealing with a flare.

Sox won. Now there isn’t a game till Friday because of the All Star game. I hate this week. Four days of no baseball, well there is, the All Star game, but I don’t watch it because I don’t watch TV, even though I pretty much have control of the TV as my mother will be in the hospital and later, rehab. Going to be weird her not being home. I hope everything goes okay and there are no complications.

I just set my alarm for tomorrow morning as I got to be up early for my last PT appt, well least with the one I am seeing now. I am waiting for the referral to process for the functional pain program. I’ll probably find out sometime tomorrow if it was processed. Then I got to make my way into Boston to see my psychiatrist. Just fun. Going to be really hot and humid tomorrow. I just hope the trains and buses have AC that work.

pained and pissed off

Pained and pissed off

I didn’t go to sleep till 0700. I woke up around 1000. I sorted out my meds and as there was a threat of increased pollen, I took an extra Allegra. I then made breakfast and coffee. I was so sleepy after the coffee that I decided to take a nap. My foot exploded a few minutes after my head hit the pillow. I was so fricken mad.

I tried to calm down so I took some more Ativan and Neurontin. I usually don’t take Neurontin during the day but I wanted to fricken sleep. I had emailed my psychiatrist around 0230. She responded and asked if I can come in on Monday. I told her it would be hard as I have PT in the morning but she had a time that suited when I could get to Boston so I said okay. I really thought today was Sunday all day. I kept having to look at my phone to see that it was Saturday. I am so off from not sleeping.

I was able to fall asleep around 1400. I slept for another 3.5 hours. I was hungry so made a burger. My sister is going to have a dinner for tomorrow so I will try and grill the steak that I have. I asked her to show me how to operate it. She didn’t have time today as she was going out.

The highlight of my day was having my little 5 month old cousin come over. She is such a cutie. She kept crying every time I talked to her so I let her be. She stopped crying when I walked away. HAHA. I came down after I finished my tea because I wanted a pic of her. I snuck it as her mother doesn’t want pics. I am not going to post it but I wanted to show my friend how cute she is (not on social media). I played with her and she was “talking”. Just kind of loud stuff, like she was boss. It was funny. I love her so much.

I came back upstairs and some troll on Twitter responded to a message I had posted at god knows what hour. It was from like 1 am or so. We exchanged a few messages and then I blocked him as he was a troll. He said he was using his friend’s phone to use Twitter. Ya, you are a troll if you do that. Idiot. I am trying to stay awake but my fucking foot feels like it is being sliced open. I didn’t have a number 2 today. I am upset about this because I need to keep track of it. I don’t remember if I went yesterday or not. I think I did but I don’t remember. I am kind of in a fog so my memory isn’t great. I will take some fiber pills with my night meds and just continue to take them until I go. I will take Miralax if I need to.

I had take my blood pressure around 4 am just to see what it was. Damn batteries were dead so I had to find new ones. I found them and put them in. Then took it. It was high on both wrists. Pulse was 91, a little fast. I took it when I woke up this morning and it was a much better number. I am going to keep track of it every day in one of my notebooks. My PCP wants to compare the office visit BP to my home BP readings.

I am kind of scared of meeting with my psych on Monday. If I am cool and collected, I don’t think anything will happen. I honestly don’t know what I said in the email. I know I told her about my mother’s upcoming surgery. What I said after that, I am not sure. I know I was pissed I didn’t end my life yesterday because I was in so much damn pain. I got to get through the to the damn pain clinic that the damn dose is not adequate for flares. I need something that will cover me and the breakthrough meds are not doing that. I am having severe pain, just by moving my foot or sometimes, not even moving my foot. It just explodes while I am on the bed, not doing anything. I can’t stand it. I hate, fucking absolutely hate, not being heard and this pain doc and fellow just does not listen!! They have their own idea of what is wrong and how to treat it and that is that. No intervention or input from the patient. What kind of care is that? Paternalistic! I hate it very much. My former PCP allowed collaboration and things. We might not have agreed on some things but at least we talked about it rather than him saying this is what we are doing end of story. I wish I still had him. I know he would be attacking my weight issues, which would be stressing me out, but at least I could count on him to help control my pain. I don’t think those kind of docs exist anymore.

painsomnia ramble

Painsomnia ramble

It is almost 0500. I have yet to sleep. I thought I would write to see if that would help me fall asleep. I went to have something to eat and as I turned to walk back to the stairs, my ankle gave out on me. I couldn’t bear weight on it. It was the slowest walk through the house. There was no one I could call as it was so early in the morning. Now I am in a lot of pain, more than what I was in.

I was thinking about what I wrote early in yesterday’s blog about there being a kind of “split” where you have this dark side no one knows about and then you have this side where you appear like nothing is wrong. I want to write more about it but my mind isn’t that clear. I took some Neurontin and so I am kind of cloudy. I don’t know what more to say about it because it is how I feel. Like if I unleash the dark side people will freak out and maybe force me in the hospital or something. I emailed my psychiatrist and let her know yesterday was the day I wanted to end things. I also told her about my mother’s upcoming surgery and how I had planned my death before I knew she was going to have surgery. I told her I really wish I went through with it as I was and still am in a lot of pain. I am regretting the decision to put it off. I wrote her the goodbye letter. I didn’t tell her that though. I told her that next time I will go through with it as I will not make that mistake of taking back the decision and postponing the inevitable.

In the meantime, I am supposed to live my life like it is all hunky dory and shit. Other than my online friends and a few close people, no one knows about my plan. Hell, I don’t even know if I have a plan. I haven’t checked out the location so I have no idea if that will work out. It has to be a desolate area or I am fucked. Someone sees me and the chance of rescue is great. I don’t want that. I really don’t want to be fucking saved by some stranger. That is a fear. I just wish I had a car so I can drive some place and do it there. Easy clean up too. Kind of. I don’t know. It is not like I have done this before. No one knows what my plan is. And I won’t tell anyone. I think my therapist might know but I am not sure. We haven’t talked about suicide in a long time. And we won’t. There is no point. I have made my mind and I am going to stick with it when the time comes.

I have been trying to manage this pain. I tried distraction. Playing with my phone, being on social media, though nothing is really going on at these hours. I was talking to someone about cats. But that was hours ago. I wrote some tweets. I posted some Instagram pics. I was really bored. I really screwed up my ankle. It feels like someone is trying to cut it off. Fucking pain is terrible. It going up my ankle but only half way. So fucking weird. I am just going to stay up until I pass out. I can’t sleep anyway. Every time I lay down, pain increases. I try to wait it out but after three minutes I kind of lose it and have to sit up. I had the AC on but it is cool outside. It is also 30.2 for barometric pressure, which is why my pain is all fucking whacky. Hope it settles down. I will take another Ativan in about an hour. Hope it fucking helps.

Lazy Friday

Lazy Friday

I had a hard time sleeping. I was feeling really achy and couldn’t get comfortable. Around 7 I decided to take my morning meds early so I could sleep. I slept till noon. I wanted coffee and made some. I then made something to eat. I kind of overcooked my eggs as I didn’t have a very yolky yolk. It was still good.

I went back to my room. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I wanted steak and burgers. I also wanted to try a new drink at Starbucks. I left around 1430 to catch the bus to the Square. As the bus was approaching, my sister walked by. We exchanged hellos and then I got on the bus. I ordered my drink on my mobile app so it was ready when I got there. I didn’t like it. It was an iced cinnamon almond milk macchiato. It had too much cinnamon. I am not a cinnamon person. I drank what I could and then I dumped it. I should have changed it to another drink but I wanted to get my things and go home.

I went to the butcher shop for the meat. Then I went across the street to the grocery store. I got bacon and some burger buns. I wanted to get Irish butter but they didn’t have it. I paid for my things and just caught the bus as it was pulling up when I got there. Score.

My mother made fish for dinner. It was big piece and my mother didn’t have real lemon, just the stuff in the bottle. She should have told me to buy some when I was out. I rather have real lemon than the fake stuff. I wasn’t crazy about the fish because it was too big. I like thin pieces. It was still okay.

My PT left me a message about the functional pain program. Looks like things can be adjusted to my needs and things can be worked out. I was happy to hear this, though I still not sure how I am going to work all this out while under the midnight demons that come out at night that make me feel really suicidal. Today was supposed to be the day I was to end it. Now the date has been pushed to another day. I’m trying not to “split” so to speak where one part of me acts in the dark and the other projects a “happier” version of me. My mother is having surgery next week. I won’t be going to the hospital because I just can’t sit around for a few hours. She will spend a few days in the hospital and provided no complications happen, go on to rehab. She told me that I am to send out some bills when they come in, and then go to the bank when my check comes in. My sister was there when she was talking and I asked what was what and my sister was like “don’t you know”? I was like no because I don’t use that bank. She then asked why don’t I have a bank around here and all this other shit. Whatever. Like it is her business, not mine. So annoying.

did a lot of little things

Did a lot of little things

I woke up around noon. I had decided to make something to eat. Then I made coffee. I used my sister’s Keurig but she didn’t have sugar so I had to bring the cup back upstairs. I was using my BFF’s mug, which my mother had thrown in the dishwasher. This caused some of the personal message to some off a little. After I was finished with it, I just washed it out so my mother didn’t wreck it. I am sad this happened as the mug means so much to me as it came from a dear friend.

After I finished my coffee, I decided to shower. I shaved my head and nicked my ear. With the amount of blood, you would have thought I cut my ear off. OMG. I tried to stop it but I had to hop in the shower and knew the clot would wash off. I would clean it up after my shower. After I dried off, I clenched the little cut and then put a bandaid on it.

I went upstairs and read for a bit. I read The Poe Shadow. It is a book by Matthew Pearl, the first book I ever read by him. I just bought his newest book, the Dante Chamber and his older one, The Dante Club. I don’t know if they are a series as the Club came out before the Poe Shadow. I will find out if I ever read them.

After I read, I tried looking for the notebook I wanted to write my goodbye notes. I couldn’t find a blank one so I just decided to use the one that I had. It had enough pages for what I needed it for. I haven’t started writing yet. I might start tonight. I have no idea what to say. This is why I extended my time, for now. I got about 20 or so letters to write.

I got to stop using the dumb stupid facebook app. All I do all day is hide shit. Ads, old posts, stuff I don’t care about like people going to events. I really don’t care that my friend in Arkansas is attending an event there. Good for her. It is not so bad on the laptop but I still get ads. I have reported them as spam as most of the “sponsored ad” is all letters. Like what the fuck. Then Facebook comes back saying they reviewed my report but didn’t see anything that violated their policy. Okay. It has diagrams of the male penis. That is okay?? I am just done. Time to move on. Wish I could stay on Twitter but there is just political shit about the dickhead in office and his cronies that are dumber than dumb.

I had another talk with my mother and she said that she didn’t ask the doctor because she “didn’t want to look like an addict”. I was angry and hurt because what does she think about me? I texted my sister and she just started yelling at me. I said fine, when she is home and has no meds, don’t come crying to me. They are putting their “trust” in the doctor doing the right thing. Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I am locking up my meds when my mother is home. She will be going to rehab first but when she comes home, I will start locking up. Just to protect myself. I don’t care anymore. They didn’t listen when I told them to. They will find out soon enough. They don’t think I am right. OK. When she is in pain and can’t get meds, we’ll see.

I cooked dinner. Just heated up some ribs. It was so good. My niece ate with us. She likes ribs. Now I am going to listen to the radio for a bit and read some more. Maybe I can get through this book by this weekend. I got PT on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I have been bad doing my exercises. It is just going to be a discharge date anyway so I am not too worried about it. I hope to hear from her tomorrow about the functional program. I still haven’t heard anything. Kind of on the edge of wanting to know and then not really caring. I am just afraid that things will become hectic for me with going a few times a week, having therapy twice a week, and then seeing my psychiatrist. That is a lot.

I am tired. I have done a lot between showering and making dinner. Also stressing over my mother which, according to my sister, is silly at this point. Still it makes me mad that I am not being heard and am perceived as an “addict” by my own mother. I told a friend of mine that to avoid this, I will go in the hospital to force my sisters to deal with her. I want no part of her rehab just because I am home and don’t work. If they think that because I am home, I have to take care of her, they are wrong. I won’t do it.