a gem found

hi guys,

I didn’t realize I gave my former therapist a paper I wrote during my sophomore year (circa 1992) in high school. I was reading it and I think I am going to type it up for a blog but edit out parts of it as it’s really detailed to where I grew up, unless you guys want me to put that stuff in there. I will have to edit names for confidentiality reasons.

I am wicked busy tomorrow so I will type it up either Friday or this weekend. It’s in my handwriting in block letters. That is how I wrote back then, different from what it is today and with blue ink! I primarily use black ink today.

It talks about my old dreams. I had to put it down because it brought back some strong memories. This was before I was diagnosed with psychosis a few months later and making my first suicide attempt 2 months after I wrote it. A lot of my childhood is written in there, where I am not comfortable sharing because it brings back such strong memories of the way things were and they were tough days. My father was a true bastard and I held him on a pedestal for a long time until I found out just how rotten he was. I lost my faith, love, and respect for the guy in certain ways. I never believed a word he said after what I found out. I doubt that the guy loved anyone but himself more than anything in the world. I don’t write about this in my paper, least I don’t think I did. I had to stop at page 7 and it’s 12 pages long. I got an A on it.

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and so a chapter ends

And so the chapter ends

I woke up really early in the morning and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. It made me not want to get out of bed when it was time to get the Zipcar. It was warm and I wore jeans instead of shorts. I was sweating really bad by the time I got to the car and quickly put the AC on. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and left.

There was traffic on the highway but I didn’t care. I had enough time on the car and my therapist wasn’t specific about me being there on time. When I got to her town, I went to Walmart to buy some PJs and some shorts. I wanted to find Sox hats for my friend’s kids but they didn’t have them. I will have to look at another store.

As I drove to her office, I thought about this being the last time I would be out this way, that this would be the last time taking route 9. I also thought about all the sessions I had out there and on the phone. I wondered how many boxes there would be after 16 years of therapy. I brought a dolly just in case there were a lot. Turns out there were two, a heavy one that I guessed was my journals and books and a lighter one that had my stuffed bears.

I took the highway home and there was traffic. The Mass highway had taken down the tolls so it was just lanes anywhere they could put them, which made for hazardous driving. The speed limit was 55 mph all the way, sometime lower in some areas or if you got behind grandma Moses.

Luckily my niece was home so she helped me bring up one of the boxes so I didn’t have to make several trips. I opened the boxes when I got home and things that I had forgotten about where there. It brought back memories of the beginning, middle, and end. I had given her a lot of my writing, including a book that I was published in by the Boston Public Library back in high school. I also had given her “The Gus Chronicles”, which is about an abused kid going through the foster system. I had to read it for one of my psych classes in college. I was wondering where that book went to. Now I can read it again.

I am glad I have my stuffed bears back. One is a 3 foot bear, not kidding. He took up half the hospital bed with me when I had my first surgery 16 years ago. I had to put him on a chair so I could sleep comfortably. The other two are smaller ones that Starbucks had put out. They are called Bearistas. I was collecting them until they stopped putting them out. It was fun.

I came home with a half hour to spare to return the car so I rested a little bit. The driving was not good for my Achilles and I was sore. I was kind of shaking and realized I hadn’t had anything to eat all day other than my espresso. I decided to return the car, drop something at the post office, and then have some pizza at my favorite place. I put $5 in my pocket with my phone, which was a mistake. I pulled my phone out and the money went bye-bye. I had to stop at the ATM for some cash. It was no big deal as I needed to go to the ATM anyway. I want to get a haircut tomorrow.

I walked home from the pizza place and got hit with allergies. I started sneezing really bad. My allergies have been bad all day as the post nasal drip has really irritated my throat and my nose keeps running. I hate allergy season.

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I was finally able to shower after almost a week. I took a chance because my pain levels were low. I took a nap after my previous blog. I kept dreaming of going to the bathroom and sure enough when I woke up, I had to pee. My mother was making dinner and it was almost ready. She made vegetables and mashed potatoes and chicken cutlets. It was good.

I am still feeling crummy emotionally. I just want to hide under a rock. I don’t know if I am going to sleep good because I slept for about 2.5 hours. I’m hoping that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. It seems to be a recurring theme. It just ruins the whole day and it’s taking its toll on me emotionally.

I got a call from my PCP’s office that my prescription is ready for pick up. I am not sure if I will be able to go by tomorrow or not. It all depends on if I am done with my errands and such. I hope there aren’t a lot of boxes to carry from my therapist’s office. It will suck bringing it into the house. I’m kind of nervous getting my things back. It will be a lot of memories.

It’s almost 0400. I woke up around 0300 because of bloody side effects or withdrawal. I can’t be sure. My checks came in so I bought my groceries and paid a couple of bills. My bladder was calling next so I went to the bathroom. To my surprise, I had to have a bowel movement. I don’t usually have to go at this hour but I was grateful as it’s been almost a week since my last movement. Strong pain pill has that side effect. I have been trying to take less but it hasn’t been working out. I feel relieved now that I have went.

The side effects are calming down but my foot/ankle pain has ramped up. I can’t fucking win. I took my regular pain meds because it’s all I can take right now. I will be driving so I don’t want to take the heavy stuff. If it gets worse, I am going to have to. I have a high pain tolerance. I was trying to explain it to my therapist and I don’t think he got it. He wanted to know who I was angry at after I told him. Pissed me off. I still don’t know if it’s going to work out with him. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as he does things quite differently.

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sucky mood

Sucky mood

I slept through the night, finally but I woke up around 6 because my bladder needed to be relieved. I also took some pain meds as I was hurting. Doesn’t seem like this flare up is going to settle down anytime soon. I got up too late to take my blood pressure pills. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t. I am feeling very depressed.

The CRPS office called me back today. They said they need a clinical referral before they could set up an appointment. I emailed my psychiatrist and she was willing to send it but I think it’s too complicated for her. She kept on asking specific questions and I answered them but then didn’t get a response. I had emailed my PCP and the secretary emailed me back saying that the information was in my record. The doc just had to access it. I was like duh but they need a referral or they won’t see me. She is going to bring it up with my PCP and go from there. I am aggravated. No where on the CRPS specialist’s site does it list a clinical referral to see her. Just another obstacle. I don’t have the patience to deal with it.

I made a grilled cheese for lunch. Surprisingly, I didn’t burn it. It came out perfect. I filled my water bottle with iced tea. I am going to try and drink more today as I didn’t really do so yesterday. I am feeling really tired so I am going to nap after I write this. My mother is making chicken cutlets for supper, least I hope she is. Sometimes she changes her mind and makes a stir fry.

I reserved the car for tomorrow to go to my ex-therapist’s office to collect my things. I will have the car for a few hours just so I can ride around some. I want to go to Walmart and buy some pajama shorts and regular shorts so I don’t always wear jeans.

My ankle is just throbbing right now. I can’t stand it. I am going to stop here so I can rest. Talk to you guys later.

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random 410

Random 410

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0200 having side effects from my trilafon. My arms felt like they were spaghetti and they were flailing. I was annoying that it woke me from a sound sleep. I stayed up half the night as I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I would have blogged but my arms didn’t feel right.

I was hoping to sleep till at least 1100 but woke up at 0800. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours and then I made breakfast. I didn’t feel like showering. After breakfast, it was time to catch the bus so I could have much needed espresso. I grabbed my bag and looked for my keys yet again. I still haven’t found them anywhere. My house ate them and until it pukes it up, I am without keys. I am glad I have a spare.

It was raining and cool as I waited at the bus stop. I didn’t dress warmly and froze while I was at Starbucks. I read a chapter of the CBT book but didn’t feel like summarizing it. I wrote in my journal until it was time for me to catch the train for therapy. While I was writing, my foot acted up and I was shitting bricks. I took my pain meds and hoped it would be enough to calm it down so I could walk to therapy. It was too late to cancel and too late to go home for strong meds.

I went to therapy and told my therapist that I was suicidal. I was hopeless and he wanted me to scream at someone. I thought that was queer. I wasn’t angry at anyone. We talked about different things and he has it in his head that I need people in my life. I don’t want people in my life. I have enough of them online that I manage. I don’t want every day conversations with people that I don’t know. He is starting to get on my nerves about this as it’s the third session he has mentioned this. Next week he is out of office because of the holiday. He is going to let me know if a spot opens up on his schedule if I want to see him. I rather not see him.

I walked to the train station and I was hurting. Both ankles were giving me grief. I decided to go to Chipotle for supper. I had a burrito bowl and I asked for extra rice. It was good and I got a little happy having my guacamole. The train was crowded so I didn’t have seat. I just made the bus home and it was crowded so I didn’t have a seat. My feet and ankles were wanting a divorce. I crawled home. I took some strong pain meds and regular meds when I got to my room. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be in pain all night like I have been the last few nights.

A friend called me while I was home. We set up a dinner date at our favorite Thai place. It will be good to see him if I don’t end up going through with my plans. I am still feeling suicidal after I left therapy, mostly because I was in fricken pain and that just put me in a bad mood. I’m going to talk to my psych tomorrow and tell her my plans. This therapist sucks for suicide prevention so I am not sure I can depend on him in a crisis or when I am having a hard time. He still expects me to see him in two weeks when I am not sure I am going to be around. FUCK. I am just so tired of having to do things myself in therapy. I am not sure it is worth it anymore. Not sure my life is worth anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless today and not sleeping and being in pain has not helped me one bit. Just don’t want to exist anymore, I really don’t!

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