I have been having a difficult day. Bladder issues continued. My urine test finally came back and I don’t have a UTI like I thought I did. So now my bladder pain will be unresolved while I am here.

I got a bad wave of suicidal urge after dinner. Not sure why. It might have been my frustrations I am having with my damn bowels. I’ve been constipated all week and now I am bloated really bad. I feel so uncomfortable between the pressure of bowels and bladder pain. I tried pushing to see if that would let the stools out but it didn’t work. When I told a nurse she said that is the “wrong” way to go. Obviously she has never dealt with a nerve damaged bowel. I am so frustrated that the damaged caused by cauda equina syndrome is making the side effects of opioid therapy so much worse. I wish I had my damn fiber pills so I could fucking go. My contact person tonight is the charge nurse. He wanted to give me a second dose of Miralax but I think if I do, the odds of colon blow will be increased three fold. I already am on the verge of it. I am passing gas so I know stool isn’t too far away.

Family has been driving me crazy today. I don’t feel like returning my mother’s phone calls. Just don’t feel like talking to her. My middle sister texted me earlier, asking how I was and why I was here. I told her and asked her not to tell my mother. After I sent this, my mother called. I hope she didn’t tell her. I can’t cope with them right now.

I told my contact person that my urges were overwhelming me so he had me take an ativan. He asked how many I take at home and I said if I took one every time I got the urge, I’d be overdosing. I am so sleepy right now. Night meds will be at 8, though I am not sure it will start then as a patient needs to be transferred to a medical ER due to a problem they are having. This is the 2nd patient sent out today. The 1st was on a suspected appendicitis. Just nuts. This is my first admission where patients have had to be transferred out.

One of my baseball Twitter buddies posted some kitten pics. Her parents are fostering and omg are they fricken cute. There are some tiger kinds and a ginger. They are so adorable. I want a kitten so bad. Wish my mother would let me have one.

I’ve been doing the study stuff today. It is kind of getting boring as it is the same questions but in a different order every time I get one. Wearing the smart watch with my hospital band is annoying me. I want to rip the hospital band off but they need to scan it for meds and stuff. I hate it but part of being a patient on a unit.

I feel so hopeless. I don’t think I am going to get out of this pit I am in. I also feel so melancholic. I tried reading. I was able to read two chapters before I couldn’t read anymore. Also been writing in my journal and did the mood thing. Have just one more block for the day which I will do before bed.

2019May17 pissed off mood

I haven’t been in a good mood all day. I woke up in an awful mood and it has stayed that way all day. I’ve been having urinary problems and when I went to get my pain meds, I found out they have been on hold. WTF. This is so unacceptable. My evening nurse had asked me what going on but did not tell me my meds were on hold. Now I am waiting for her to talk to me. I am going to lose my temper.

I reluctantly talked to my mother this afternoon. She always acts concerned when I am in here and then when I am home, never asks how I am. So fucking fake. I know she doesn’t care. I told her I here for a medication change and she asked if they changed it. I said they did (they haven’t) and then she said when am I coming home. She couldn’t understand that just because they changed it, I couldn’t go home. I got so aggravated. If it was that “simple” don’t you think it could have been done as an outpatient?? Fuck, this lady has no common sense. Don’t know why she wants me home anyways other than to call me a whatever and a lazy ass. God I hate her.

I haven’t heard from my middle sister since the day I got admitted. She doesn’t keep in touch with me regularly anyways so I am not that surprised. My youngest sister has. She always does though. We text more often than my middle sister.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Every time the checks person came to my room, I woke up, which is like every half hour or so. Tonight I am not closing the door all the way. I only did it last night because it was so noisy and I was in so much pain. I had such a bad flare last night. If I don’t get my pain meds there is going to be hell on the unit. I don’t give a fuck. I didn’t come into the unit to wither in agony. I could have done that at home, like I have been doing. Only difference is at least at home, I’d have my pharmacy with me. I have no idea if they are holding them because of pending test results or not. Either case, WTF. Who’s bright idea was it to withhold a chronic pain patient’s pain meds?? Like seriously?

The social worker on the unit gave me a mood tracker thing to do for the weekend. I am supposed to do it three times a day as I told her writing in my journal might be lengthy and I don’t always write feelings down, unless I am pissed off or anxious about something specific. I will try to do it. I’m not that great at doing paperwork when I am inpatient. I just think it is a waste of time as I don’t think it is as useful as the social worker thinks it is.

There is a person who likes to play the unit’s piano and it is so annoying because there is no song just tapping the damn keys. Pissing me off.

The nurse just came in to talk to me. She said the doc ordered a med for me to take and she is not going to hold my pain meds so just given it. She did say a UTI can cause the symptoms I am having. She does not want to cath me and I don’t either. She did say that the urge to pee is a symptom of UTI’s so I may have it as I don’t have the typical symptoms of one due to the nerve damage I have. Sometimes I will have bladder spasms and pain but I don’t. We are hoping the urinalysis results come in later tonight. I just hope I don’t have to have another bladder scan. It wasn’t bad but it just is uncomfortable. What was weird I voided and few minutes later I had the urge to go again. I’ve had water, tea, and some ginger ale and haven’t peed since the scan. That was 6 hours ago. Wish I brought a diaper with me as I’ve been leaking more with this shit going on. I also haven’t had a bowel movement since Monday. I had taken a laxative but it hasn’t worked yet. Wish I brought my fiber pills. They work better than the Miralax and senna sometimes. I might take another dose of Miralax tonight.

I managed a shower today so that was a good thing. I will need to probably wash clothes this weekend as I’ve been going through underwear with the urine problems. I had brought extra because I usually leak anyway but now it is worse. Dinner will be here soon. I’m not that hungry as I’ve been snacking since lunch. For some reason I’ve been having the hungry horrors today. First time this has happened since March!

Lady Antebellum released a new song today and it is so good. Also one of the fill in DJs on my country radio station recommended an artist I never heard of. He released a new song today and I love it. Been listening to both songs on repeat. I haven’t added them to my country mix playlist yet. I usually hear music for a while then add. I love Lady A so much. Hillary Scott is such a sweetheart and is hot. She is just so damn cute. She is married and has 3 girls, 2 of which are twins.

Going to stop here. Hope this weekend goes well and I don’t flare tonight.


I am at the psych unit that I’ve been to before. I have the same doctor but different social worker, thank god. I have been hurting so much today, mostly with my right calf. Been massaging it and semi stretching it to try and get pain under control as I don’t have access to my “morphine cocktail”. My right heel is inflamed, probably because I wore the ankle brace longer than I ever have. Last night they took it away from me because they thought it was a safety issue. Today’s nurse gave it back to me as she didn’t see anything that could be dangerous. It is all one piece and no stretchable parts, except for the laces you can’t remove. My sneakers pose more of an issue. Fuckheads.

I’ve been feeling like this is a mistake. I really don’t think I need to be here but I know if I bring it up to my psych, she will say otherwise. I’ll stay a few more days and then be out next week. I honestly don’t have high hopes of anything changing.

My room is at the end of a noisy hall where the kitchen and TV/group room is. Last night I was so tired, it took a long while to settle down and even though I had taken my meds, I couldn’t sleep. Then my big toe and foot started swelling and hello pain. I got so pissed off. I talked with the nurse and I felt better afterwards, or at least sleepy enough to sleep. I woke up like 3 hrs later to the damn birds chirping. The town I am in has a lot of trees, more than my town, who likes to cut down trees and not replace them. I no longer hear birds in my neighborhood. Anyways, I somehow manage to sleep but woke up every hour. I gave up around 630 and have been up since. I tried to sleep after morning meds but only got about a 45 min nap.

Yesterday was a long day but there were two good parts of it. One of the suicidologists I know from Twitter has a study going on at the hosp ED I was in. I got enrolled and when I asked if he was the PI (principle investigator), the research assistants said yes. Holy shit. And I met him and shook his hands. I was immediately like a deer in headlights. Couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

The second part was my pcp came down to see me. Never had a pcp do that before, ever! We talked for a bit. I didn’t go into any details. I was just floored he was there. He said if I had gotten admitted to the hosp I see him at, he would visit me every day. I got lucky. He is a good guy and I am staying with him forever. Just makes me feel like someone gives a shit.

I am sure tomorrow they will talk about discharge. Always happens. But maybe not. They might get rid of me next week. I had to cancel my PT and orthotic appt. I rescheduled PT and will call the orthotic guy when I am discharged. I have an appt next week with my psych. If for some reason I am still in here, I can always reschedule with her. I got a dentist appt that day which I have no problem rescheduling! I don’t know why I have this fear of dentists because when I was a kid, I loved going. I guess it is because I had a couple bad experiences since the one good dentist I had left. The guy I see now is pretty good. He isn’t rough and doesn’t yell at you or make you uncomfortable.

I came across this picture on Twitter and thought I would share it with you all. I am drifting off to sleep so will stop here.