Problems fixed, sort of

Problems fixed, sort of

Yesterday I got a notification, again, saying that my bank was invalid to receive royalties from my books. I haven’t been paid since Feb. I have been in contact with Amazon about it. I was to receive a response May 19th, but didn’t hear anything. I emailed them again a day or two when I was home from the hospital. They still didn’t have an answer for me. I had re-entered my information and it still was “invalid”. Today I finally got a response that whatever the issue was, it was now fixed. I should receive my royalties in the next pay cycle, which would be the end of June, I hope. I don’t think it will be much as I haven’t sold that many books. Maybe 1 book per month, though while I was in hospital, a few patients bought a copy of my memoir. I had 3 sales, which is the most I have had in a while. I won’t get royalties for these sales until next month (which won’t be more than $10).

My UTI is clearing up though the urinary pain pills I took are still making my urine orange. Because of this, I am unable to tell if my urine is clear or cloudy. It is dark, but think that is because I barely had anything to drink yesterday. I slept all day and wanted to today but forced myself to get some coffee and eat something. I had a pop tart. I am so off kilter today for some reason. I keep losing my train of thought and remembering how to spell words. I really have to think which sometimes is just blankness.

I had to move the stuff in front of my window because rain was coming. Then I decided to put my recycling in a bag and my back said fuck you. I still did it but now I am still hurting. I hope it goes away so I can shower. I had a box of trash bags but I can’t seem to remember where I put them. I am so frustrated. I needed to find my ethernet cable as my wifi is slow with the internet. I can’t stand waiting for a page to load. The ethernet is a little bit faster. I don’t have cable or FIOS (type of fiber cable). It is too expensive. I looked into cable and for every box you needed for TV, there was a price for it. The bill would be more than $200 and I can’t afford that. I might look into a different service provider. My nephew was telling me there was a company that just did internet services that was cheap and had high speeds for downloads/uploads. I am going to see about it.

I haven’t been eating much past few days. Yesterday I just had a bowl of cereal and then went back to sleep. Today I had coffee as I had a headache but it didn’t clear up the spaceyness I feel. I had a pop tart with the coffee but couldn’t finish the second one. I am hungry but I don’t know what to eat. Have a few options, either an egg and toast or Ramen noodles. I don’t think I have anything else that is appealing. I have the deep dish pizza from Red Baron but it has lost their appeal. Doesn’t help the last few times I have made it, I didn’t make it right or burned it. I got to go to the grocery store as I am running low on my Gatorades. I sort of got used to taking my meds with water but like to take it with something sweeter. I also need coffee as I got just one bottle left of the iced Starbucks. My K-cups have been used either by my sister or nephew. I am not happy about this as they don’t replace it. Hoping Saturday I will make a marinara sauce as I have been craving spaghetti. I might get the premade meatballs while I am there. Only trouble is they don’t reheat well. I will eat them cold though.

Tues I have an appointment with a therapist. I am kind of worried though. I had some questionnaires to fill out. In the appointment box, it says “triage.” I am not sure if this appointment is for an evaluation or not. I don’t want to be evaluated and told I need to wait to see someone else or if this is just because it is our first appointment or what. I am already nervous about this and now I am more nervous. I have waited nearly three months to see someone. I would fricken hate if this is just another “you need a different level of care so here is a referral number.” I will lose my shit if this happens. Then when I calm down, I will not go back to therapy. I will just see my psych and that will be all. I see my psych on Monday and will tell her this. I am tired of being turned away from nearly every therapist within a five mile radius of my house.

Random thoughts past few days

Random thoughts passed few days

Thoughts from June 10th. Meant to post them but I got stuck…

I went to bed late as I was watching a TV series based on Neil Gaiman’s book, Good Omens. I watched the first episode. It helped with my pain as it was a good distraction. I plan on watching episode two tonight. I woke up around 930 when my med alarm went off. I took my meds then used the bathroom. The urine smelled and was cloudy. I just thought it was because it was the first void of the day. I went back to my room and tried to sleep. My sister sent me a text and it annoyed me. She was telling what to do. Sorry, I don’t listen to you. When I responded, she just said that I should put my stuff in the bin. Sorry, not happening. I never answered her text and then when she saw me after she came home from work, she didn’t say anything about what she texted me about. I didn’t either as I didn’t feel like fighting with her.

I had taken a nap around 1 pm and woke up at 3 pm. Again my urine was cloudy and smelled so I called my doc as I think I have a UTI. Hope it isn’t a bladder infection. I had trouble getting the urine out this morning as it was a weak stream. Not sure if I emptied completely. It is starting to worry me. I know since being home from the hospital I haven’t been drinking as much.

Thoughts June 12 2019

I’ve been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday was difficult. My pcp’s nurse got in touch with me and told me to drink cranberry juice even though I said I had a nerve injury so normal UTI symptoms do not happen with me. I got really mad and decided that after PT I would go to the urgent care down the street from me that is affiliated with my hospital.

Had my session with PT. I had to pee but knew if I did it would be hours to go again so held it. My PT said I had good range of motion in my ankle and graduated me to a heavier band for some of the exercises. She also gave me new ways to stretch my calf as I told her that has been the biggest son of a bitch the whole time I in the hospital. Every day I worked on it a little bit and every day it gave me grief. She said it could have been fatigued because of the walking around the unit and such. So after this and new balance exercises, I made a few more appts and left.

While I was in session the nurse called me, saying he spoke with my doc and my doc wanted me to have some tests done. Really?! No shit! I had them done and around 6 PM my results come in, 15 mins later my doc sends me a provider letter saying I have a UTI. I was waiting for the antibiotics to be filled at the pharmacy. By then, I was having blood in my urine and the pain was unreal. I don’t think I emptied my bladder because of the pain. I had to go three different times and blood was in the toilet and stuff, scaring the hell out of me. I was also having cramps which I wasn’t sure if it was due to bladder or uterus. A doctor friend it was most likely due to my pelvis being inflamed that the uterus was angry too. I felt better about that. I had gotten up the last time for the night and thank God I was wearing a diaper because I lost control of my bladder. I had taken an OTC urinary pain med. It makes the urine orange and it still is even though it has been more than 13 hours since my last dose.

I wanted to shower today but slept all day instead. I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am. Kept having weird dreams throughout the day. I missed a survey that was the 3 o’clock one. I just slept right through it. My sister called sometime around 5 and scared the shit out of me with her ringtone. It is Bon Jovi’s born to be my baby and it is fucking loud!
I went back to sleep after doing the 5 o’clock survey and finally got up around 7 when the next one came in. I wanted to take my night meds. I had already taken the T shot sometime around 2 am. I just had a hard time sleeping. Mostly because of bladder pain. It was also hot in my room so I couldn’t get comfy.

My psych rescheduled her appt with me for Fri. I don’t see her till Mon. I have a lot of appts next week (if this is a repeat, sorry). I have my new therapist appt next week, seeing the orthotic guy, and PT. Four appts total. I am going to be crushed.

more thoughts on my blog

More thoughts on my blog

A reader emailed me and I thought about what she said. This is my blog and last time I checked, calling someone stupid wasn’t breaking any laws. So on this note, I have decided to keep my blog open, not password protected. If that monitor person wants to continue reading my blog, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do know that my stats seem to go up when I post so even if I don’t know who you are, I know you are reading.

I’ve had a horrible day so far. My middle sister has been cleaning my mother’s room. When I got out of my room to take a shower, she said that I had to go through my stuff so she can move her things there. I also had to move the stuff in the living room so she can also move her stuff there. I took my shower and found that the shampoo bottle that had a pump on it, she threw away because the bottle was empty. I was so fucking pissed. I called her an asshole and she got pissed. I don’t care. I am tired of her thinking she is the only person living here and has to make the house the way she wants it to be. I got really suicidal after our exchange. She just doesn’t realize how upset she gets me, like I don’t matter at all. Yesterday she left crap on the stairs, which made it hard for me to go down. I really don’t want to fucking fall and she doesn’t get that my balance is off. She also placed a bin right at the bottom of the stairway, which I kicked out of the way. I got so mad. I texted her, in a neutral way, and got no response. I have no idea if she has blocked me or what but every text I send her, she doesn’t respond to anymore. I sick of her shit. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. After the disaster of a family meeting via phone, I really don’t know how to get through to the dumbass. Yet she has the audacity of calling me selfish. Such a projection.

After my shower, I made something to eat. My foot started bothering me but I still did what I had to do. By the time I made it back to my room, it flared up big time. My foot and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I so want to nap as I have been up since 0630 but I really don’t want to. Will be hard to anyway as there is so much light in my room due to my window being open. I have a hard time sleeping when there is light in my room.

Never had a nap. Just had dinner with my mother. I made hot dogs and beans. My foot wants to fucking kill me. I hate it when simple things cause me pain. You think I was walking miles. Speaking of walking, I really need to get my AFO (ankle foot orthotic) adjusted as my foot keeps slipping. I think I have a bit of atrophy plus with the weight loss, I don’t think it is fitting right. I hate that I gained about 10 pounds while in the hospital, mostly because I was eating three meals a day, but they were huge dishes. I tried to eat a salad with chicken or just a turkey sandwich but it wasn’t always possible because I would forget to fill out the menu for the next day. Sometimes I would skip breakfast as they served eggs at least every other day and I don’t like them. I rather make it. I am just picky like that. The rest of the days they had French toast, which wasn’t bad but it was filling. Since being home, I have been having much smaller meals at least twice a day. Yesterday I just had steak and then a protein bar because I was in too much pain to go downstairs to make something. I forgot how painful stairs were.

I got to fill my med boxes for the week. The doc in the hosp increased the Lamictal and I think it has finally improved my mood somewhat. I kind of feel like what I was before I was in the pit of doom. I am just more tired and on a “day” schedule. I went to bed early, or tried to before pain kept me up till at least 1 am. Then I woke up around 630, only because I had to pee. I am glad I woke up because I leaked. Both my pjs and underwear were wet as I didn’t wear a diaper. I bought a much comfortable brief style while in the hospital because they didn’t have a good kind. I should have brought my own but didn’t think I needed them. Now I know better.

Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens came out the end of May. I got it free because I am an Amazon Prime member. I downloaded the episodes to my Kindle, but I still haven’t watched it yet. I keep meaning to but pain has been a chief distracter. Usually watching a movie or something helps but I don’t have the attention span lately. I can watch short videos and then I get bored if it is more than 10 minutes. I think the only thing I can watch for longer is the Rachel Maddow show. I haven’t watched it in a long while because it was just annoying me. She seems to say the same thing in three different ways over and over. Then she goes on only to come back to the original question or point. I had to take a break and haven’t watched since. Maybe I will watch one episode of Good Omens later tonight, if my pain doesn’t get worse after I do my med boxes.