sleep and stuff

Sleep and stuff

I really didn’t do much yesterday as I was shitting and peeing all day. The shits finally stopped around 1330. I was weak and tired. I tried to keep up with fluids but it was hard. I didn’t want to get up to pee so I just drank enough to swallow my pills. I finally slept through the night. I woke up around 7 to pee and then I took my morning meds. I then put the do not disturb on and went back to sleep. I got up around 1030.

I needed coffee, strong coffee. I had the Columbian blend today. It was good to keep the cobwebs gone. I have the chronic pain group today. I will go to it. I hope it goes ok.

I made appointments for PT. I called the uro dept for an appointment with the PA and wasn’t able to see him until mid Sept. They had made an appointment with the doc for Oct. they called and canceled the appointment with the doc because it would be useless to see him. I still am not taking a medication for the bladder pain and inflammation. I messaged back the PA today to ask if the med he is thinking of is for inflammation and if it is to prescribe it for me. I just hope I don’t have to have a prior auth for it as it is a new medication.

I had texted my former therapist to apologize for the dramatic texts I sent her. She said I was the least dramatic person she knows. I then told her I am sorry for the suicidal texts I sent her. She said there was nothing to be sorry for as she wanted to know rather than to wonder. I really miss her but I never got things done with her. She was a good person to talk to but that was it.

I need to shave my head and face. I might take a shower. I only washed half my body the other day when I had code brown. I just want to make sure I got off all the crap off me. I still have diarrhea. I just went. Ugh. I don’t know what is wrong with my system. I sent a message to my doc because I am feeling weak and tired. Hope I don’t have covid. I have the rapid test. I am scared to take it.

I went to group. It was ok. My pcp got back to me. It was another RN at the clinic, a different one. She told me that diarrhea can last a couple days but if it last more than three to let them know and if I have a fever. I am wicked tired so I don’t think I will be shaving today. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother was annoying the fuck out of me. She was either burping or moaning or both. Then she started sneezing. Fucking a. I ate fast to get back to my room.

Think I am going to take a nap and hopefully sleep. If not I will read my book.

code brown and therapy

Code brown and therapy

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Soon as I sat down, shit came out. I looked down at my underwear and there was a mess. I had crap everywhere. I had to shower. I cleaned myself the best I could then jumped in the shower to do a better job. I didn’t have clothes with me so I went up to my room naked. Then I noticed some turd on the steps. Fucking a. I went to my room and got dressed and noticed I shit the bed too. Fuck. It was 3am. It took me an hour to clear off my bed and then take off the sheets and put sheets on. I am NEVER buying solid colors again. It took me a good while to know which end to put the sheet on. Fuck. My back was killing me. I stayed up for a couple of hours as I was nervous I would shit again. I had loose stool so that meant no farting for fear of sharts. I finally slept a bit. Then woke up and texted my therapist to find out what time we were meeting. I didn’t know if it was 10 or 11. It was 11. So I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up at 1030.

I didn’t feel like having coffee. I used the bathroom again and shit once more, all loose stool. Great. If I go one more time, I will take immodium. Therapy went ok. I told her about a dream and the night my father almost killed my cousin with his shot gun. It was triggering. I kept zoning in and out. I lost track of time for a bit. We talked about how my cousin pissed me off and then I got no response. We still haven’t spoke. I asked if she got the texts about the pills and she got it. She still doesn’t trust me. I guess it will happen in time.

It is raining today. I don’t feel well. My stomach still feels icky. I think the Miralax is just running through me. I am also tired from being up in the middle of the night. My prescription is out of stock so I don’t have to leave the house today. I have a dentist appointment late Wed afternoon. It is for a cleaning and check up. I hope I don’t have anymore cavities. I still have to get them filled. I’ve been too chicken to do so.

bad night of weird dreams

Bad night of weird dreams

I had another bad night of sleeping. I was up till around 3 as I was pissed off at my cousin and couldn’t settle down. She thought the reason I was stressed over my top surgery was because of my nerves. Which was totally wrong. I had texted her husband that I was nervous about the transphobe stopping my surgery and basically banning it as they had made a bill for Congress. I was reassured by my friend that I would have top surgery this year before a new Congressional members are sworn in. But my cousin went on trying to get me to “settle” down by telling me to calm down and breathe. That really pissed me off. I feel like she has no clue about how to deal with me and it shows. I told her she was wrong and then she asked well what I am stressed about. So I told her and then I said to not tell me to calm down as that pisses me off. No response as of yet.

I just wanted to sleep as I was closing my eyes as I was sitting up. I was in pain with my ankle. My leg had flared up and it was so hard dealing with the pain. Then when I finally did get some sleep, I kept on having weird dreams and shit. They were disturbing. I would wake up to pee and every time I went back to sleep, the weird dream happened again but about something different. I took my morning meds around 6 when I woke up so that the alarm wouldn’t go off at 730. I slept a few hours of restless sleep till 10 and then I got up. I am glad I still had the do no disturb on because just as I took it off, I had received a call from my cousin. If he woke me up, I would have been pissed for calling me so damn early.

When I got up, I emptied my bladder and then I brushed my teeth and shaved my head, just the sides and back. I love how it feels. It is high maintenance but it feels so good. I even used the clippers to even out a line and didn’t screw it up. I ended up nicking behind my ear. I always seem to do this. Then I made some oatmeal and coffee. I put too much water in the coffee maker as it leaked water. I hate when this happens. I thought I filled it just to the line but apparently I went over. I might make iced coffee later.

It’s Sunday so I need to do my med boxes for the week. I got a message from uro and I can see the PA that has been returning my messages. He said that I shouldn’t restart the tolterodine as it does the opposite of what we want it to do. Looks like I am going to be put on a high priced medication again for my bladder. I’ll make the appointment with the PA tomorrow.

I got a new zit forming so I got out the benzoyl peroxide cream that I have and put it on the areas that were all red and on the back of my neck. It gave me a chance to be naked for a little bit in the AC. It feels good not to have a shirt on. I really am looking forward to the day when I can be shirtless on hot days.

Even though it is hot in my kitchen, I want dino nuggets and fries so will be turning on the oven. I hate to do it but I am hungry and I don’t want the nuggets to go to waste as they have been in my fridge for a while. My mother made beef soup instead of stew. She couldn’t get the water to thicken to make it stew. Oh well. It was good anyways, though the meat was bland. I loved the potatoes though. I think that will be my dinner tonight, again.

Saturday Blog 20082022

Random Saturday Blog 20082022

This may be long because I have not written in a few days and there are somethings I need to get off my chest. I had therapy Thursday after having a difficult Wed night. My therapist was not sure she could trust my safety anymore because I had texted her that I wasn’t safe. I was having intense feelings of despair. I really wanted to act on my feelings but I just stayed in bed. We talked about ways to cope better. I also found out that my therapist doesn’t think being on pain meds is good because and only because I am suicidal. She is fearful I will OD on my meds despite me telling her over and over I won’t do it. I have never overdosed on my pain meds or even thought about it. Do I know that it is potentially lethal? Yes but so is the bottle of Tylenol I have so…

She wanted me to dispose of one of the bottle I had. This was difficult. I agreed as I had plenty of old meds to dispose of. I texted my barber to get a haircut. That would force me out of the house. However, I wasn’t counting on feeling like a bag of shit yesterday. It was so difficult to move and walk to my destinations. The depression was weighing heavy on my chest. My barber was working on a client when I got to the shop. So I decided to go to the CVS to get a bottle of water as I didn’t bring one with me. Not even halfway there and I felt my legs get heavy with each step and felt being weighed down. I still needed to go into town to dispose of the medication I had. Which meant walking from the station to the main entrance of the hospital. I got to the top of the ramp and had to sit and rest. I should have brought a cab voucher with me so I could have had a ride home but I wasn’t thinking. I was just focusing enough on the task and it took all the energy I had to do this.

I walked in the hospital and went to where the med safe was. I took pictures of disposing the medication. After emptying my bag of all my meds, I sat down to rest some more. I sent pics to my therapist who still hasn’t responded to the texts. I waited a half hour for a response and when I didn’t get one, I left. I realized that I had eaten anything since the morning. I was just drinking water. I felt my sugar dropping. I didn’t have the energy to walk to Starbucks to get something to eat. I also didn’t have cash with me to buy something in the café. I made my way to the station and sat for a bit at the light. I then went to catch the train. The station was crowded and I didn’t know if it was delayed or not. The train came in a few minutes so that was good. I had to stand in the train as there was not a social distance seat available and people around me were not wearing masks. I waited till we got to Harvard so that the train emptied out so I could sit.

I got home and immediately made something to eat. I am glad I had microwave dinners. I had the turkey stuffing one that I like. My mother was making herself dinner too. After I put the dinner in the microwave, I went up to my room to put the AC on and change out of my shoes to my slippers. I drank some Powerade for sugar. I knew I would need to be drinking the next few hours as my urine was dark and despite drinking water while out, there wasn’t much urine production.

I had taken a shower yesterday but need to take one today. I also need to shave. I have to use the benzoyl peroxide stuff on my chest as there is a new break out of acne. I also need to use the cream I bought on my neck. There are some stubborn zits that refuse to go away. I am exhausted so I don’t know if this will happen. I might just take a quick shower so that the hair dust is off my head from the haircut. I still don’t know what happened to my Fusion razor. I am pissed because it was a Patriots handle and I really like it for shaving my head. I want to start shaving my head again so that it is close again.

After I had dinner last night, I had wanted to write a blog but just couldn’t get my thoughts together. I turn on my laptop and when Twitter refreshed, there was a tweet about how Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene wanted to ban not only youth transgender care but also adults getting care from their insurance companies. She also wanted to ban the teaching of gender affirming healthcare at higher ed places. I was so disturbed by this and scared. My gender dysphoria went into hyper drive and I was so upset. I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t know who to call. I wanted to reach out to the trans line but the last time I did that, I was told that my age wasn’t appropriate for service and basically told not to call again. I don’t know if that was the trans line or the Trevor project. I think it was the Trevor project as the trans line doesn’t have text yet and I was texting the service. I thought about texting my therapist but we had a deal where I would only reach out after I used every other alternative/support. I wasn’t suicidal but as I still haven’t had top surgery yet, I was frightened that this wouldn’t happen. It would mean death to me if I couldn’t have this surgery or even be taking my hormones because my insurance wouldn’t cover it. I sent some nasty text to the traitorous bitch. She needs to be voted out of office for good. Such a transphobe.

I had yucky sleep again last night. But I had some good dreams for once. It was like I was in a movie, playing a part. Guns were in the dream and I felt the danger of them. They were not pointed at me but the threat was there in just seeing them. No surprise where that came from. I will try and talk about it with my therapist on Mon if I remember. It is an early appointment so not sure cobwebs will be out of my head. I got to stay up if I wake up after 5am. Once I go back to sleep I just feel like crap the rest of the day and having the med alarm wake me up in the middle of REM sleep kills me.

I had to pee so cathed and it took forever to empty my bladder. My niece was in the shower and I had to take a BM so I just emptied my bladder and then went downstairs to poop. As I was pooping more pee came out of me and I was like WTF. I had to strain because I was constipated so now my ass hurts. I took some more Miralax when I got back to my room. I restarted a bladder med that causes constipation to see if that helps my bladder pain. I still didn’t get a message back from uro about if this med is ok to restart. I just took it anyway because I am fucking hurting and I don’t want to be taking my BT meds around the clock for the pain. Last night I waited for the ER to kick in before I took the IR. Today my bladder pain isn’t too bad so far, which is good because I thought I would have to go to the ED for the pain again.

Ok that is enough word vomit for today. See you all next time