suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This flu shot is kicking my butt. I am still tired and slept all day, again. I had a hard time sleeping during the night. I woke up at 2 to pee and then I couldn’t go back to sleep till 5 or so. I ended up taking some Ativan to go back to sleep.
My therapist responded to my message I sent her. She didn’t say it explicitly but wants me to keep my appointment tomorrow. I am still not sure it is worth it. I am struggling so much with therapy. Some days it helps, other days it is a real struggle to be there, to be vulnerable with someone else.
I need to shower today. I stink. I also need to shave my head again. I did last night and it felt good but my hair grows so fast that I need to shave the stubble off. I bought a new T-Shirt that I think I am going to wear after I shower. I have to change into underwear because I want to see if I still have discharge. I can’t tell with boxers.
I had a bowl of cereal for lunch. It has been the only thing I have eaten today. My mother made chicken cutlets so I might have that for dinner. I have been really bad at hydrating the past two days. I think I only drank like a half a Gatorade yesterday and today with one cup of coffee. The uro said that I need to empty my bladder two hours after I drink my coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I meant to do that today but I fell asleep for like four hours. It has been so hard to get up. I don’t want to do anything. Last night I wanted to read for a little bit so that I could feel accomplished doing something and I ended up going back to sleep around 8pm. I feel so lifeless. I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days. I thought buying a new toothpaste would help me brush more but nope. I know it is this time of year. I get depressed always during mid-August to February. Sometimes it lasts longer.
There are eleven games left in the regular baseball season. My Sox are still contending for the wild card. It will come down to the final last few games. If things stay as they are, we will play Toronto in a one game playoff. The Jays can be a killer and we haven’t done well with them. All comes down to pitching.
Yesterday I got my flu shot so today I just have been sleeping most of the day. I went out three times yesterday because I had to do stuff and I think that just added to my exhaustion. My uro appointment went well. She was ok with me increasing the bladder spasm medication. She just warned me about constipation with it. I have been taking the Miralax regularly so I should be ok.
Sox won their 85th game today. I slept through most of it as it was a day game. They won last night too. I am glad Bogaerts is back in the lineup. He was on the Covid list for a while. I am glad he is doing better.
I need to shave today. I haven’t in the past few days because I was busy. I will probably do it later tonight. I haven’t showered in a few days either but I don’t think that is happening today. I just feel so damn tired I don’t want to do anything. I had one cup of coffee today with some biscuits. I haven’t eaten anything else. I might have cereal later if I get hungry. I bought new cereal. I like the Quaker oatmeal squares honey nut. It is really good.
My legs hurt today for some reason. I wish I could say that it is because I walked too much or something but I haven’t done anything the past few days. Other than leaving the house Monday for my MRI, I haven’t left the house. I just showered and I feel a little bit better. My groceries will be arriving soon. Just hope I can go up and down stairs.
My surgeon got back to me. I will see her next week for the discharge that I have. Sucks that I have to go through this another week. I was hoping that it was done but when I looked at the pad before taking it off for my shower there was some yellow stuff on it. I don’t care I am wearing boxers today. I will change into underwear before bed. I was getting chafed by the underwear elastic because I got a size too small. I need a break. I still have a stitch on my belly. I don’t know why it is still hanging on me. I tried to gently remove it but it is stuck on me pretty good. I will have the surgeon look at it if it is still there next week.
I don’t know what to do today. It is cloudy and muggy. I might go to the square this afternoon to mail my letter and get some cheese. I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I am really craving a bowl of Chex cereal. My groceries came and I don’t feel like doing anything now. I am so damn tired. I made quiche for lunch and am pretty full. I also had my second cup of coffee. I have been having at least two to three cups a day and I am still tired. It was muggy in the kitchen so I opened the door. It is cooler outside than it is in the house. I am sweating though. My mother called me to tell me to pick up the milk from my cousin. Going up and down stairs really exhausted me.
I am glad I checked when I am seeing my uro NP tomorrow. I thought it was at 2 and it is at 1. We have a lot to discuss. Since stopping the Flomax I am finding it easier to cath. I don’t get the urge as much but I keep track of the hours in between caths. It still hurts when I void so I cath when I can. I also increased the tolterodine and that has helped a lot. I don’t know what the NP will say to this but we will see. I think she will be ok with it.