Day 6 of covid19
I am in my 6th day of quarantining and being sick from covid. I feel really tired and weak. I have been trying to stay hydrated but it has been difficult as all I want to do is sleep. Today I felt a little better so made my coffee and had my breakfast cookies with it while in bed. My sister has been helpful in getting me food and stuff but I haven’t been too hungry.
Taylor Swift released her version of Fearless today and I have been having trouble downloading the songs after buying the album. There just seems to be a glitch between my phone and Amazon music app. The app is awful and with each update, gets worse and worse. But I am listening to the app as that is the only way to listen to the music right now. I am not entirely up for listening to music because my head feels so wonky due to covid. I just feel like I have the worst cold ever.
I need to shower today. I haven’t had a shower since last week. I know it is going to take a lot of energy to shower and wash up. I know I will feel a little better if I take one. It might clear up my nose for a little bit. I hate a stuffy nose more than anything. I hate being sick. All I keep thinking of is the setback this is going to cost me because I am not being active like I wanted to be. I just want to sleep all the time. I will be out of quarantine Tues. I cannot wait. I probably will still stay in my room but I am going to go for a walk somewhere soon as I get clearance from the government. Then I can schedule my vaccine so I don’t get it again.
I finally got the stimulus money so I plan on calling the probate court when I feel a little better to order a certified copy of my legal name change so I can get my passport renewed. I’ve been wanting to get my passport renewed for a while but I never had the money for it. The total cost for getting it is around $200, which includes getting my certified paperwork.
I am fighting a nap so hard. I am trying not to sleep too much today but it is getting exhausting. The fatigue I feel is way worse than my normal fatigue. I really hate that this is going to decondition me further. I think I am going to have to be in PT the rest of the year to get some of my strength back. My PT is good though so I am glad I have a good therapist. Sucks I couldn’t see her this week though. I canceled my appointment because I thought I would be getting the vaccine and too messed up by the shot to see her. Nope. Now I got to reschedule the vaccine yet again.
I have Covid
Saturday I got a fever of a 101.5. I felt pretty shitty but there was no reason for the fever. It continued the next day so I went to urgent care to get testing for covid and I was positive for it. I continued to run fevers until today. It has been almost 24 hours since having to take Tylenol but I just took some because of muscle aches. I am glad the fever is gone. I still have to quarantine the next 10 days.
I had a phone meeting with my TG doc because I forgot we were meeting. I am glad she called. She said my T levels were low so she is increasing the T dose by 0.25mL. So that will be my next dose when I take it next week. I will risk the acne that follows.
I feel really tired than usual from the covid. Been sleeping a lot. I haven’t been eating because I haven’t had the appetite. I got the sniffles. I also got brain fog which is making writing so difficult. I will write more later if I feel up to it but just wanted to give an update on where I am at.
Don’t call me daughter 5
Apparently this is a blog I frequent write whenever I am misgendered. And this week is no exception. Monday after therapy I was talking with my mother and I don’t know how it came up but she said I was her “daughter”. I said I am her son. I said it multiple times and she kept on saying like a child that no, I was her daughter. Then she said something that cemented the deal by saying I will always be her first born daughter. I tried to convey how hurt I was but I couldn’t find the words. After a few minutes she had the audacity to say “change is hard”. Yeah right. Talk about mixed messages.
I was very upset and I reached out to social media like I always do when I need support. One person told me that I needed therapy. Another couple of friends said that it was a generational thing with my mother and to “ignore” her. What I don’t understand is how a parent can do this to their child. I never wanted to be a parent for a lot of reasons, being male is one of them. If a partner should have children, I will gladly see them as my own and love them as much as I love my partner. But right now I am single so I don’t have to worry about that. I like being single even if it is lonely at times.
I digress. I got some support from my online friends. It was not enough to keep the suicidal ideation away. I texted my therapist what had happened and I was thinking of taking some pills. Told her I was going to do the safety plan instead and she agreed. It has been a struggle living with my mother the past few days. I don’t want to deal with her at all but I know that if I give her the silent treatment that is only going to cause more problems. I just been staying in my room. Today I plan on taking a walk before picking up my prescription just to get out of the house and do some physical rehab because I am so deconditioned from my past surgeries. I am seven months post op and am still recovering.
My therapist and I talked about how hurtful my mother was and she just said that it was basically wrong and unfortunate that she is this way. I have tried not to take it personally but it is so damn hard. In Dec, my mother got Covid and I didn’t know if she was going to survive or not. She had a lot of medical issues and I wasn’t sure when she would be coming home again. It put it in perspective that she wasn’t going to be around forever and all I want is for her to call me son. Now I realize that is never going to happen. She is never going to be proud of me for being transgender, she may even feel ashamed of me. I don’t know. I rather not know if that is true. I know that to the healthcare workers that come to the house she still calls me “daughter” and “she” when addressing me.
I feel that no matter how much the testosterone changes my face nor how much facial hair I have, I still will not be seen as a he. It is so fucking painful to have a parent reject you like this. Wed was Trans Visibility Day and I got really suicidal. I felt worthless because I don’t have a mother basically. It is so hard. I feel like a black sheep. I texted my baby sister this and got her support. I don’t have the support of my middle sister. My middle sister and I don’t get along too well. It depends on her mood on whether she will call me a he or she. There have been times where both my sister and mother will call me a “whatever”. That hurts more than anything. I take it silently because I am too hurt to fight back. Part of me just wants to die because then I don’t have to deal with this. But I have my nieces and nephew to think about. I love them dearly and they love me and accept me for who I am. It has been a saving grace to hear my nephew call me a he to my mother. I think about survivor loss all the time whenever I become really suicidal and how it will affect my “kids”. How my kids will handle my death has been a huge preventative measure whenever I am suicidal and don’t have severe constriction. They love me unconditionally and it is the purest love. I have watched them grow up from being babies and it has been such a privilege.
This weekend is Easter. It is my least favorite holiday. I am not looking forward to a family gathering. But I will show up to eat. These days I haven’t been eating right. I usually just have breakfast and won’t eat the rest of the day. Appetite is just not there. The depression this whole thing has caused me is unreal. I don’t think an antidepressant will help. I still take it though.
I’ve been down since July…
Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.
It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!
I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.
I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.
Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.