Feel like shit. Leg is hurting. Arms are on fire. I need to shower and feel like trash in a bucket…
Shoulder doc appointment and other things
My med alarm went off at 0730 but I went back to sleep after turning it off. I woke up two hours later with my bladder threatening to explode so used the bathroom. I then took my meds and went back to sleep. My AC was delivered around the time I woke up at 1230. I am glad I didn’t have to sign for it like I did the last time I bought one. I made an iced coffee so I could drink it quick as my cab would be coming in a half hour. I dressed quickly and made sure I had my vouchers on me.
I got to the doctor’s office early. I had to have an x-ray done and there was no waiting. I was called fairly quickly. Positioning my shoulder the way they wanted it hurt. I had to wait almost 45 mins to see the doc. I checked messages on my phone. Twitter still had a lot to say about the shooting yesterday or the day before in Texas. It has turned my stomach so much learning that babies died. I got off Twitter and just put the phone in my pocket. I didn’t want to see social media at all. I just waited in the quiet waiting room.
I saw the doc and told him what was wrong. He showed me my x-ray and said it looked really good. He then examined where I was hurt and determined I had inflammation in my rotator cuff and bicep. I got a cortisone shot in my shoulder and would have to see his associate to get another in my bicep. It would have to be done by ultrasound. Fun. The shot burned but it didn’t last but I was sore. I am not to do anything the next few days so that the medicine can do its job. I see him in two months to see where I am at and if further treatment is necessary.
I had wanted to go to Starbucks after my appointment but I wasn’t thinking about it and just wanted to go home so when I called the cab, it came fairly quickly so I couldn’t cross the street to get a drink. I came home after the driver took every street in my town. I was hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I just had the iced coffee and that was it. I had a bowl of cereal and then some cookies with another cup of coffee. I sat with my mother who was obviously feeling better than she was in the morning. I discussed dinner with my mother and decided it was going to be lentil soup with pasta. She made the lentil soup yesterday and it was good.
My pelvic floor muscles toner kit is coming with today’s mail so I plan on using that tonight. I hope it helps. I can do it while listening to the game. They are back at Fenway so I will listen earlier. They kicked the white sox to the curb last night. We are playing the Orioles tonight. These pesky birds are sometimes hard to beat despite their losing record.
Today in the life of the Midnight Demon
It was nice out today and I was expecting a package to be delivered by UPS so I decided to sit on the porch and read my book. I waited all day because our bell is broken. I read three chapters and had my foot up most of the time. The delivery didn’t take come till after 5pm. I went up to my room, sat on my bed, and my ankle exploded. I looked down on it and it was swollen. Fucking a. I made sure to keep it elevated and it still swelled on me.
I saw my therapist today. I talked about how the PTSD is really bad and I can’t relax except for when my sister is out of the house. I also am having bad dreams as I am waking up startled. She gave me this container skill to do. We went over it during session. It was helpful. I felt calmer afterwards.
I am feeling pretty tired. I walked around my house while waiting for the delivery. Up and down inside and outside. I brought in the garbage barrels as today was trash day. It was pretty windy despite it being nice out. One of the barrels was making a break for the street so I just brought them in the back of the house at the end of the driveway.
My AC is supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I won’t be able to do the same thing I did today as I have a doctor’s appointment. I need to see my shoulder doc for my arm and shoulder pain. I will be taking a cab there with the voucher that I have so I don’t have to walk as it is far from the station. I haven’t decided if I am going to take a cab home or not. I will decide tomorrow.
I am hurting so bad right now. I took a BT med a half hour ago with my night meds, which included gaba. Four fucking pills. I hate it. Tomorrow I need to weigh myself and hope my sister’s scale isn’t right. All this gaba I am taking is putting weight on me. I don’t like it or want it. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight. I was up early this morning because my therapy appointment was at 9. I had woke up at 7 to pee and stayed up.
Fucking A, I lost my streak
I had a streak going of writing consecutive days and I lost it because I was so tired I slept through. I must have slept from 4pm till around 2 when I woke up to pee. My Sox won over the white sox 16-3. It was a good game and wish I heard it. Last I checked on them it was 10-2. They are really doing well. I hope it continues. I just needed 14 days to reach 100 days of consecutive writing and I blew it. I am so mad at myself I didn’t even post a pic in time.
I went to the chronic pain group yesterday. It went ok. I talked about my anger and I wasn’t the only one my company forced out on disability. It’s just hard because every day I showed up depressed and suicidal as I was to give 110% to a job that didn’t give a shit about me and just cared that I made no errors when logging in a patient’s sample.
I found out today that my uncle, my mother’s brother, is not doing too good. He has been in the ICU for about a week now and I guess he isn’t getting better despite treatment. They are having a family meeting tomorrow to discuss what to do for him. I don’t know exactly what is going on as all I have been hearing is that he is filled with fluid and his breathing is not good. I don’t know if there is anything else going on. My aunt has been hysterical but then it isn’t surprising as she is always like that. I don’t know if having her as his representative is a good idea as she can’t keep herself together. I don’t know if my mother knows what is really happening or not. All depends on what she hears or thinks she hears when we talk about him. She hasn’t been emotional so I am guessing she hasn’t been listening. But then she isn’t really the type to be emotional like my aunt.
Part of the reason I had to sleep was that I didn’t get much sleep during the night. I was up every hour since 130a. The my sister triggered me right before group started and I was just a mess. I had to ask my therapist for another session as the hypervigilance is out of control. I just can’t relax unless I take something to calm down or just be plain exhausted by it. I was talking to my friends but they were all on different apps and I was getting overwhelmed switching between them. I wish I had just one app that I can talk to people on rather than this and that one. Just a pain.
My shoulder has been bothering me all damn week. I think it knows I am seeing the surgeon so is just getting flared up. Weather changes haven’t helped at all. It went from 94 degrees to 52 the next day. I am surprised my spine isn’t aching. My foot has been bothering me non-stop for the past three days. It just has been on fire. I take the gabapentin for it and it settles down but the gaba doesn’t last in your system that long and you need to take it again to get relief. I am supposed to take it three times a day. I think taking my afternoon dose is what caused me to fall asleep this afternoon after I had dinner. Then when I took my night meds I got nauseous. I really thought I was going to lose what I ate. But Zofran was to the rescue and the contents of my stomach, stayed in my stomach.
As It is Wed and T shot day, I took my shot. Unfortunately, I hit a vein and caused some bleeding. It hurt so I knew I did something. This week, the shot was in my left thigh and that is always a worry for nerve pain to flare up. So far, I am feeling ok but I will know more when I walk around some. I need to go to the pharmacy to get some more meds. I meant to refill it on Sunday but I forgot.
I got paid this week and I bought my AC. It will be coming next week. I hope there are no problems with it. I just care if it works or not and then to make sure I take it out of the window before the bad weather comes. I plan on having it taken out Nov 1st. That is the goal anyway. Because I bought my AC, I won’t be able to pay all my bills this month. I am picking and choosing which ones to pay. The ones with the low minimum payments will be first and then whatever is leftover will go toward the higher ones, if I can afford it. I hate this but there is nothing I can do. I need an AC because I am heat intolerant. I thought I was going to pass out on Sunday due to the heat and my room being nearly 85 degrees. My ceiling fan was just blowing hot air around. Now instead of wearing shorts and a tank top, I am wearing a long sleeve shirt and flannel pajamas. It is cold. My room is a nice 68 degrees.
I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and ease the unrest in my foot and ankle. It is burning me so much. I hope the bones don’t start hurting. Maybe the gaba will help my shoulder a little bit. Who knows. The thing with my shoulder pain is that it is all muscle and not really cartilage or tendons (least I don’t think it is tendons). I am hoping for some more PT where I can get some more movement in my shoulder and possibly be able to move my arm behind my back in an upward motion like I was able to do before the injury. And picking up my water bottle would be a good goal for me. I can lift it but I can’t seem to drink out of it. The motion is too painful. I just want full use of my arm back because it is going to be important when I get my top surgery.
I have a day of doing nothing today so I think I am going to read my book on Building a therapeutic Alliance. It’s a good book. I thought the painters were finished but I guess they aren’t. they were supposed to come Mon, and didn’t. then they were supposed to come Tues, but they didn’t. if they come today, I just hope I am not stuck in my room because I will need bathroom access. I can go without food.