suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
I was up again during the night. I read some. It got me thinking stuff I should talk about with my therapist but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like going to therapy. I should have canceled but kept the appt. I got up to pee and took my meds. Then rested a little too long. I got up to make a cup of coffee a half hour before therapy started.
She was in one of her moods. I was in mine and it ended with me not talking for most of it. I told her I’ve been alternating between depression and sadness. My appetite has been low or not existent. She wanted me to do something about my grief and I told her I didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted me.to work on something so I said I’d straighten out my room. Then she scheduled our next appt. Was useless. I have such a headache from being tired. I need to get at least some of the boxes in my room out so I can move stuff. Except I just want to lay down. My iron pills came yesterday so I am taking them at night. I sent a message to the doc asking if the slow release was ok. My insurance isn’t covering what she called in.
I feel so depressed and aggravated. I wish she would just let me talk about whatever I wanted to but no. She wasn’t having that today. She can be such a bitch at times. Will be 4 years we have been seeing each other. Can’t believe it has been that long.
I had a second cup of coffee with some cookies. I bought the new Oreo cakesters which are really good but I lost interest in eating them. Just hope no one eats them. My niece has been eating my Mac and cheese. I don’t have an appetite today. I’ll just have an Ensure. I still need to brush my teeth.
Sox play at 4pm today. They lost last night, again. It hasn’t been fun seeing them lose. The Rays pitcher is a Sox killer so I don’t even know if it will be worth watching. Could be another painful game. I’m not really in the mood. I just want to sleep. My niece is graduating tonight. It’s raining so I hope it is indoors.
I started slowly cleaning up one area of my room. I will try and do more tomorrow. I have a headache and am wicked tired. I had to move some stuff around which made things look worse than they are right now. I will figure it out tomorrow. I emptied one box of stuff. I have to get the empty boxes that are cluttering my room out. It will hopefully be done this week.
Other than the headache and tiredness, I am also feeling wicked sad and depressed. I seriously thought for more than a few minutes about suicide. I thought about acting on it. I technically still have the plan I made last year. I am not sure I will tell my therapist this just yet. I am going to base it off my upcoming doc appointment with my pcp.
I am cold. I had to shut off my ceiling fan. The wind is terrible today. I have therapy tomorrow. I was going to go into Boston to give my psychiatrist some paperwork for my disability but I don’t need to as my Medicare card can be used. I have a few appointments and I start the bereavement group this week. I just hope I am home in time for the meeting to start. I meet with my pcp that day and not sure if I will be home. Guess it depends on how it will go.
Sox had a day game and they lost. It was a pathetic game. Too many errors. I have nothing to do tonight so I might read if I don’t fall asleep between now and then. I tried to nap a few times but wasn’t able to. I just rested and froze under the covers. I had to put on PJs. Need to find my long sleeve tshirt.
I was up for a few hours during the night. The fucking birds started chirping at like 315. I was so angry. The noise was annoying. I don’t know how many birds there were. But every morning they are out there chirping away. I got some writing done in my journal.
I went back to sleep around 0400. My med alarm went off at 0800 and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I stayed in bed till 1030. I had told my brother in law I would go shopping between 1030 and 11. I didn’t get ready till 1130. I was slow moving. I was so damn tired. I looked on Amazon for some cheaper alternatives to iron supplements and found one for like 3 bucks. I don’t know if it is truly an iron supplement or a sugar pill but I will try it. Doc said it could take a month for things to change so will see.
I went shopping and bought everything I wanted except for steak. The steak looked thin and fatty so I didn’t get it. I will go to the butcher shop next week and get something. I did get burgers. They were on sale. I will make one after I write this blog, that is if I don’t fall asleep. I had two cups of coffee today and I am still dragging. I bought a veggie and fruit smoothie. It’s pretty good but smells awful. I just hold my nose, LOL. I also got baby spinach and ranch dressing so I can make a salad. I love eating baby spinach. I sometimes make it with scrambled eggs. It is so good.
Last night I was having a difficult time falling asleep. I kept thinking about my mother. Night time is so hard because I always used to hear out for her during the night. That is when her sugar could drop and I would be the one to find her in a not so well state. I also would hear if she fell. I have trained my ears so now that I no longer have to do this, it is hard to turn off. I spent so many years caring for my mother despite her bad treatment of me. I took care of her even when I hated her. It was difficult but someone had to care for her.
I am very tired and don’t think I will be making the burger. I just want to sleep. Game is going on now. We are losing due to errors. UGH we need a better shortstop.
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