suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
I am just going to bitch about the problems in my life today because I have a therapist I can’t really talk to at times because she intimidates me. I have been slowly getting the recycle in my room together to be thrown in the recycle to be picked up tomorrow. It might seem like I am a hoarder but I am not. I just get overwhelmed and I don’t want the criticism that I drink too much Gatorade every single time I bring down the recycles. I have one bag of trash that needs to be thrown out. The problem is that the blood pressure medication that I am taking has been causing me heart rate problems. My heart rate went up to 156 and all I did was bend down to get something off the floor and when I stood up, I got wicked palpitations and heart racing. I sent a message to my doc that I want to be back on the beta blocker I was to control my BP. It was 142/94 today so the medication isn’t helping just causing problems/side effects.
I sent a message to my psychiatrist last night because I was so fed up with being in pain and being tired all the time because I am not sleeping during the night. I fought fatigue most of the day yesterday and didn’t nap. Last night was the same deal. I woke up around 0130 to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to stay off my phone even though I had messages. My psychiatrist wrote back saying that he supports me. I told him I hadn’t showered in days or brushed my teeth. Last night before bed I did brush my teeth. I haven’t done so today yet. I still need to shower. I stink because I was sweating yesterday. I also need to shave. My stubble is going to turn into a beard soon if I don’t.
My ribs are hurting. Actually everything on my left side is hurting. During dinner I put heat on my shoulder. My mother made pork chops and mashed potatoes. It was good. Now I just want to listen to some music and maybe read a bit before taking my night meds. I haven’t touched my book all week. So much for setting aside reading time. I can’t help it sometimes I am just too tired to read. I got 11 days to finish it. I want to try and read one book a month.
Today I give myself T. It was kind of hard because it is in my left leg and it is so damn sensitive compared to my right. My thigh is throbbing right now. It normally doesn’t hurt but due to CRPS, things get inflamed and more sensitive on that side. I need to take a shower today. Hope I will have energy for it. I had two cups of coffee. I also bought new soap as an incentive.
I had therapy. It was a difficult session as we talked about how isolating my suicidality is bringing me. She wants me to reach out more but I have so much difficulty finding a receptive ear that I often just don’t. We also talked about texting. She gave me a 4 text a week limit. I can text whatever I want. I feel better knowing this because sometimes my anxiety causes me to text more. I have been trying to use the other acct to text but sometimes I want her to know something. It was really hard discussion because I felt like I was being reprimanded and I wasn’t. I felt myself shutting down and wanting to just disappear. I said so. All the memories of getting yelled at when I was a kid came flooding back. I just felt so small. I tried to deal with not shutting down. I find it hard to be comfortable with her because she seems so stand off ish.
My aunt who is recovering from Covid called me today. It was a surprise but I have been on her mind. She called me after Thanksgiving leaving a weird message about getting together. I asked my sisters if she had called them and it was only me she called. It was just weird. But it was good talking to her. She sounded fatigued and she is recovering well. I told her I went to PT to recover so I hope she does to help her. She sent me a pic of her newest grandson. He is so cute and looks like his brother so much.
I am so damn tired and I did nothing today. I still haven’t showered. I keep meaning to and just don’t. I am ready to throw everything off my bed so I can change the sheets. I might do that tomorrow or later tonight. I still have a shit ton of recycling in my room. And I got to empty my wastebucket. I just don’t have the energy to do anything.
My left side of my body hurts. From my shoulder to my foot. My thigh hurts because of the T shot. My ankle/foot hurts because as I was grabbing a gallon of water an aluminum pan came flying and hit my ankle. The gallon must have been in the pan and I didn’t see it. I am so sore. My arm is still sore from yesterday’s PT. I got to put more heat on.
I have gone back to FB, temporarily because I missed seeing my friends. Part of the reason I left is because of this meme.
Had PT and after the dry needling my arm was so sore I couldn’t lift it at all. It is better now but still sore. I am supposed to put heat on but I wanted to eat, write a blog and then go to bed. I’ve already taken my meds for the night plus the meds I didn’t take at 4 because I forgot to take them before leaving the house.
I sent this tweet to my therapist and she responded with we will talk about this next session but I am not sure it is the texting itself or the tweet. We had a discussion yesterday about journaling so I started a word doc so I could share it on zoom. I had wrote a little about how I felt with this tweet in the word doc. I want to feel a connection with her and I know it can’t be 24/7 but I need to know she is there so that is why I text. The more troubling texts I send to another acct she has no access to. It is just in that moment I need to send off whatever my brain is feeling. I don’t need a response.
Today I got word that the covering doc will be my new pcp. This will be the first time in over 20 years that I have a female pcp. I see her next month. I like her. I met her only one time when my shoulder was really bad in 2020. She is the doc that recommended dry needling PT.
I am really tired. I ordered groceries and they came late. They were also delivered without notification. I was not happy. Luckily my niece went downstairs soon after they were delivered and brought them in the house. It is freezing outside so they wouldn’t spoil but still would have been nice if they told me they were there.
In addition to today being the 93rd birthday of the late Dr. Martin Luther King, it is also Betty White’s birthday. People are having a challenge to donate at least $5 to any animal shelter in her name. I donated to my local shelter this morning when I woke up. I had a rough night sleeping.
I had sent a scheduled text to my therapist this morning and she responded. She wants me to journal stuff and then share it. Well the trouble is we meet virtually so how the hell is she going to read something I write. I got creative and decided to put it in a word doc file and then I can share it during the meeting. I got to work on it more tonight and tomorrow. It is only like 300 words right now. I had asked my therapist a question but I guess I am back to silent treatment as she hasn’t answered me. She is such a bitch.
I am so tired because I slept like shit last night. I had pain in my ankle because of the storm and it took forever to quiet down. I think I fell asleep around 1ish. I woke up a few more times but I didn’t get up. I just moved a little bit to get more comfy and fell back to sleep. I didn’t brush my teeth today. I plan on doing it after I take my night meds.
There was a tweet that MGH needs blood so I signed up. The last time I gave blood was a couple of weeks before 9/11. I have no donated since. I don’t know why. I am a hard stick and there was only one phlebotomist that was able to get me. I am going to make sure I hydrate the day before and of so that there is no problems. What sucks is that I will be getting my blood drawn a couple of weeks later for my regular labs for the testosterone. My crit is going to be low but it is ok because I donated blood. I will let my doc know so she doesn’t freak out.
Last night as I couldn’t sleep, I filled my T bag with supplies. I was running low on stuff as it has been a while since I stocked it. I ended up putting diclofenac gel on my rub muscles and as I rubbed it in, omg it was so sore. I also put it on my deltoid muscle and pecs. It took about an hour or two to finally stop the pain so I could sleep. I ordered another tube of it because the ones I have are expired. They are still good just getting old. I also have to request a refill of my pain medication this week. I don’t know who will be filling it. I just hope I don’t have to call again this month. I do what I am supposed to I don’t understand why they have to delay filling it. It causes me so much anxiety.