Just don’t want to adult today and just sleep

I was up again during the night. I read some. It got me thinking stuff I should talk about with my therapist but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like going to therapy. I should have canceled but kept the appt. I got up to pee and took my meds. Then rested a little too long. I got up to make a cup of coffee a half hour before therapy started.

She was in one of her moods. I was in mine and it ended with me not talking for most of it. I told her I’ve been alternating between depression and sadness. My appetite has been low or not existent. She wanted me to do something about my grief and I told her I didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted me.to work on something so I said I’d straighten out my room. Then she scheduled our next appt. Was useless. I have such a headache from being tired. I need to get at least some of the boxes in my room out so I can move stuff. Except I just want to lay down. My iron pills came yesterday so I am taking them at night. I sent a message to the doc asking if the slow release was ok. My insurance isn’t covering what she called in.

I feel so depressed and aggravated. I wish she would just let me talk about whatever I wanted to but no. She wasn’t having that today. She can be such a bitch at times. Will be 4 years we have been seeing each other. Can’t believe it has been that long.

I had a second cup of coffee with some cookies. I bought the new Oreo cakesters which are really good but I lost interest in eating them. Just hope no one eats them. My niece has been eating my Mac and cheese. I don’t have an appetite today. I’ll just have an Ensure. I still need to brush my teeth.

Sox play at 4pm today. They lost last night, again. It hasn’t been fun seeing them lose. The Rays pitcher is a Sox killer so I don’t even know if it will be worth watching. Could be another painful game. I’m not really in the mood. I just want to sleep. My niece is graduating tonight. It’s raining so I hope it is indoors.

Sunday clean up

Sunday clean up

I started slowly cleaning up one area of my room. I will try and do more tomorrow. I have a headache and am wicked tired. I had to move some stuff around which made things look worse than they are right now. I will figure it out tomorrow. I emptied one box of stuff. I have to get the empty boxes that are cluttering my room out. It will hopefully be done this week.

Other than the headache and tiredness, I am also feeling wicked sad and depressed. I seriously thought for more than a few minutes about suicide. I thought about acting on it. I technically still have the plan I made last year. I am not sure I will tell my therapist this just yet. I am going to base it off my upcoming doc appointment with my pcp.

I am cold. I had to shut off my ceiling fan. The wind is terrible today. I have therapy tomorrow. I was going to go into Boston to give my psychiatrist some paperwork for my disability but I don’t need to as my Medicare card can be used. I have a few appointments and I start the bereavement group this week. I just hope I am home in time for the meeting to start. I meet with my pcp that day and not sure if I will be home. Guess it depends on how it will go.

Sox had a day game and they lost. It was a pathetic game. Too many errors. I have nothing to do tonight so I might read if I don’t fall asleep between now and then. I tried to nap a few times but wasn’t able to. I just rested and froze under the covers. I had to put on PJs. Need to find my long sleeve tshirt.

Saturday Blog 03062023

Saturday Blog 03062023

I was up for a few hours during the night. The fucking birds started chirping at like 315. I was so angry. The noise was annoying. I don’t know how many birds there were. But every morning they are out there chirping away. I got some writing done in my journal.

I went back to sleep around 0400. My med alarm went off at 0800 and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I stayed in bed till 1030. I had told my brother in law I would go shopping between 1030 and 11. I didn’t get ready till 1130. I was slow moving. I was so damn tired. I looked on Amazon for some cheaper alternatives to iron supplements and found one for like 3 bucks. I don’t know if it is truly an iron supplement or a sugar pill but I will try it. Doc said it could take a month for things to change so will see.

I went shopping and bought everything I wanted except for steak. The steak looked thin and fatty so I didn’t get it. I will go to the butcher shop next week and get something. I did get burgers. They were on sale. I will make one after I write this blog, that is if I don’t fall asleep. I had two cups of coffee today and I am still dragging. I bought a veggie and fruit smoothie. It’s pretty good but smells awful. I just hold my nose, LOL. I also got baby spinach and ranch dressing so I can make a salad. I love eating baby spinach. I sometimes make it with scrambled eggs. It is so good.

Last night I was having a difficult time falling asleep. I kept thinking about my mother. Night time is so hard because I always used to hear out for her during the night. That is when her sugar could drop and I would be the one to find her in a not so well state. I also would hear if she fell. I have trained my ears so now that I no longer have to do this, it is hard to turn off. I spent so many years caring for my mother despite her bad treatment of me. I took care of her even when I hated her. It was difficult but someone had to care for her.

I am very tired and don’t think I will be making the burger. I just want to sleep. Game is going on now. We are losing due to errors. UGH we need a better shortstop.