Sunday blog 05022023

I am feeling very discouraged. I brought up the misgendering of my mother because it happened again today in a group chat. We were talking about radical acceptance. In a way I have accepted that I will never be called her son but the misgendering still bothers me. I can’t stand to be around her because I know she will call me a her or she. She doesn’t even try to correct herself anymore. I am just done with it.

I ordered Chinese food because I wanted Kung Pao chicken. I went for a walk with my sister today around the block and it made my heart rate go into the 130s. Now I am having chest pain. The pain is behind my breast tissue so I cannot even massage it to make it feel better. I will be so fucking joyful when these suckers are off me. 50 days until it happens. I feel like I will be a man again once these things are off my chest.

I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up to pee and then started sneezing. It woke me up. I read a bit, journaled, wrote in my book a page and a half. I didn’t go back to sleep until 5am. Then I got up at 11. I needed coffee bad. My aunt was over the house so I drank my coffee with them (my mother, nieces and sisters).

I am tired now but I am not going to go to sleep. I fear if I do, I will be up all night again. I went to bed around 9 last night and slept until my stupid bladder woke me up. I want to read another chapter in the cognitive therapy book. I am learning a lot even though the language is kind of stupid.

Tomorrow, I have therapy and will share with her what I learned so far. I got to take a shower before the appt. I think I will take one before bed tonight. I think it will relax me and make me more tired. I plan on using my Neutrogena shower gel that has a pleasant scent. That is a plan for the evening.

Saturday Blog 04022023

Saturday Blog 04022023

My niece threw out my half and half because it expired so I had to buy a new one. I went to the grocery store and went a little crazy. I bought things as I went by shelves. I spent over $100 on the things. My Belvita cookies were on sale so I bought them and some Oreos. That was the only junk food I bought. Rest was like juice, steak, fruit, and of course, my half and half. I took a cab there and took it home to use the vouchers I have as they expire at the end of the month. I will use the voucher to go to the hosp on Monday rather than taking the T.

I am feeling a bit restless today. I got energy and I don’t know what to do with it. I am watching my mother as my sisters and nieces went out looking for dresses for the wedding. I suppose I should really look into getting a suit or tux for the wedding. I don’t know what my niece wants. I need to ask her.

I bought new socks with the Dewey decimal system on it. I love them. I got them from the Library of Congress. I can’t wait to wear them. I think I will on Monday when I go out next. I am so tired right now. I am watching my mother as she is resting in bed. She is not having a good day today. I saw her this morning and she looked terrible. I felt so bad. I have decided to let my cousins on my father’s side know of her diagnosis but I don’t know how to really do it. I have thought about calling them but I don’t know when a good time is for them. I wanted to tell them over zoom but they never responded to the message when I sent them a text.

OMG I will never again install an update before finishing my blog. It took nearly 2.5 hours to do! I was getting anxious thinking it was going to take all night to install the damn thing.

I have been reading Cognitive Therapy and the emotional disorders. It has been a good read so far and easy to understand. I like the book a lot. My new baseball history book arrived today. I plan on reading it after I finish the Cog therapy book. Baseball season will have started by then but it will be good to read anyways. I just hope I can read it before the games start.

do nothing Friday

Do nothing Friday

I didn’t want to get up today. It is freezing out and the wind it terrible. I finally got up around 2pm. I had coffee and some cookies. I was hungry. I ordered McD’s for me and my niece. My mother was sleeping on the couch earlier and then she went to bed when I got up. I checked her oxygen to make sure she didn’t need extra. I made something for my mother for dinner. Just heated up some leftovers.

While I was in bed, my thigh started to twitch. There was a group of muscles that kept on twitching. This went on for like a half hour or so. It was so bizarre. My muscle kind of hurts but it thankfully stopped twitching. My knee is hurting. It started yesterday for some reason. I have been staying off it for most of the day and being really careful when I am on the stairs.

I feel really depressed and tired. Yesterday I went out to lunch with my cousins on my father’s side and we had a good time. I told one of my cousins that my mother had cancer and I almost lost it. I just became really sad. My mother was having a good day yesterday so after we had lunch, my cousins came over the house to visit. It was a good time. We took a picture as we really don’t have many with my mother. It was nice. I was completely exhausted after they left. I watched my mother for a bit as my sister wanted to get her nails done. My mother wanted to go upstairs to her house so I stayed behind her as she climbed the stairs. It exhausted her. Then I helped her change in to her PJs.

I tried writing last night in my book but when I opened the document, it wasn’t where I left off. There are now 39 pages to the book and I have no idea how it got to be that many. I think the format of the book is making it longer but I am hesitant to add to it. I don’t know why I am scared to write more about my experiences being trans in this book. Maybe it is because it won’t be good enough. I don’t know. I am having my doubts about this book.

I am busy next week with appointments. Mon I have therapy and I need to go into the hosp to drop off a urine sample. I think I may have a UTI. Tues I have PT and Wed I have my eye appointment outside of Boston. Going to be fun going there by train and bus. I think the weather will be warmer so I won’t freeze. It will be an exhausting day. Just hope the train doesn’t have any delays that day.