feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping

I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.

I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.

I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.

I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.

thirty years of therapy and what I have learned

Thirty years of therapy and what I learned

I’ve been in therapy since I was 15. After 30 years and 15 therapists, I’ve called it quits. Not because I was cured because I couldn’t get the care I needed. Not all therapists are the same. And even if someone has the credentials I am looking for, doesn’t mean it will work out. I have seen social workers, psychologists (PhDs and PsyD), psychiatrists, and psych RN. The first 10 I saw within the first 10 years of starting therapy. Each therapist I saw didn’t last more than a year. One resident I saw lasted three years, till the end of her residency, but she moved on and I didn’t see her again. I tried DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and the various psychodynamic therapies out there.

My suicidal career took up talk for the last 10 years of therapy, maybe more as it got more serious and I didn’t want to live anymore. I started researching into the different treatment options and found very little to help myself. The therapist I was seeing at the time was stuck in her ways didn’t want to adapt to what I wanted her to do in therapy to help me. It was frustrating. Then I saw a PsyD with the credentials and I thought yes! This is going to work out finally. But it didn’t because she didn’t have empathy and couldn’t give me validation when I needed it the most.

What I learned from my research into suicidology is that the person needs to tell their story of why they are suicidal. It needs to be heard by an empathic person who validates why they are suicidal. They also should appear eager to listen and to know more about the person, their pain and suffering. To find out where it hurts and to try and heal it the best they can. I can go on about things like perturbation, lethality, constriction, and psychache but those are just words no one uses anymore.

Living with pain— physical or emotional— for years is a traumatic stressor. The experience of living with pain evokes many of the same responses that being subjected to abuse or neglect does. — Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle

I came across this quote while scrolling through Twitter. Dammit this guy always posts something when I am in the feels. He is correct. Pain does have the same responses as being abused or neglected. I have suffered physical pain consistently 24/7/365 for the past twelve years. Each time my foot or ankle flared up, I had flashbacks of when my back gave out ten years prior. I had to go through a series of checklists to make sure it wasn’t happening again, each time, nearly every single day. Once I had a diagnosis for the pain the checklist checking stopped but the feelings of the trauma didn’t.

My therapist who I just stopped seeing, asked me what I was looking for in therapy. But I didn’t have the words. As I am reading the book Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the suicidal Patient, I am figuring out what I need in therapy. I knew she wasn’t able to give me what I need. I am not really sure what I need. I know I want someone to talk to tell my story to. For them to listen, empathically and compassionately to what I have to say about why I am suicidal and why it has become my only option left to me.

a busy past few days

A busy past few days

I have a busy week with a lot of appointments. I had two today, back to back. Tomorrow I see my pcp to discuss my cardiac markers and a BP med. I am hoping she listens to me and puts me back on labetalol rather than another med. But if she isn’t open to it, then I will go on what she suggests.

I saw my TG doc today. She had a fellow interview me first. Things went well. The fellow tried to get me a 5mL vial of T but the pharmacy just filled a 1mL vial. I have enough T to last me the next few injections. She also referred me to plastic surgery so I could get a top surgery consult started. I am glad because my pcp never responded to my request from last week. The fellow also answered my concern about whether T had caused the dislocation in my shoulder. It didn’t. I am glad. She did say that because I had removal of my ovaries, I have to be concerned about my bone health. But I am still young enough that I don’t have to go for a bone scan. The only bone scan I want to do is on my shin to see if the CRPS has spread to it. I have been having severe pain for no reason and it is worrying me.

After my TG appointment, I had the chronic pain group, which had already started. I was about fifteen minutes late but they accepted me anyways. We had a good chat about families not getting our disabilities and I told them how rough it was living with my sister who triggers my PTSD often. I also came out to them as transgender and they didn’t seem to care, which I was glad about. We also talked about how our families don’t believe our pain and disability. It was a good group. I did talk about how my therapy session went and got support around it. There maybe future discussions about CBT.

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my ED visit went. I told her I was freaking out over my lab results, thinking I was having a heart attack. Tomorrow when I see my pcp I am going to discuss what the lab values mean as having this marker in the blood indicates some kind of cardiac injury. I also asked my therapist if we could role play a bit about me asking for the blood pressure medication that I want so that I don’t get turned down. I didn’t want to come off as obstinate but I really think this med will be better as I have been on it before and had little to no side effects from it. We talked for more than a few minutes about it and I wrote down how to approach my pcp on this issue. I just hope I remember.

We then talked about how I feel we are divided and not on the same page about things. That is when she said to me “take the reins”. I was like what? She repeated what she said, adding that I was in charge. I was flustered. I couldn’t believe what she had said so I got my journal that has the notes to the bCBT book and shared with her what a structured session looks like. It had listed “agenda” and then went on to list other things. I asked the author of the book what is meant by this and he gave me a more descriptive outline of what the session looks like. I think there should have been an “:” to indicate this. So I went to my blog for the crisis response plan (Suicide Crisis Response Plan – midnightdemons7). This needs to be reviewed. In it, it said that if I get specific I should contact my therapist or psychiatrist. I should ask them if this is right or if I should just go to the psych ED. My therapist might not be available but I will bring it up with her when I meet with her next as that is when we will start with the new sessions I guess. She agreed to allow a new skill to be introduced and to practice it while in session. I think this is going to work out now as this seems more collaborative than what it was in the past where I spent the time just talking or not talking during session. I asked her if she was more DBT oriented or CBT. She said she was CBT so that will help a lot during the next few weeks. I am glad this is happening because I really felt like we were going on different directions. It just seemed like we would talk about stuff and then she would ask what is helpful but never follow up on what was helpful during the week or if I had practiced or done what was helpful. Mostly that meant me reading this manual for discussion. I felt like I was alone in reading it but it not going anywhere. I also felt like it was pointless to read if I couldn’t share what I was reading.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see my pcp and that is going to take a lot of energy. I wanted to get my hair trimmed but my barber had a death in the family. I contacted him today and he said his sister died. Her breast cancer had come back and it wasn’t a good prognosis. I am surprised she last this long. It was more than a year since she was diagnosed with this. I set up an appointment with him for Sat. Fri I plan on making his favorite dish, chili cornbread. I just have to get the ingredients. I will Thurs after my session with my psychiatrist. I will also ask him if I can contact him in an emergency as we have never discuss this before. There wasn’t really a need to as I really haven’t been in crisis since he became my psychopharmacologist.

By Sunday, I am just going to rest as I will need it. I don’t know when I will be able to read. I got hit with a flare up and couldn’t finish this blog yesterday. The flare was so bad that the bones in my foot and leg were aching very deeply and intensely. The pain in my leg is higher than it was and I fear that the CRPS is spreading. I want to contact my neuro and see if I can get a bone scan to see if it is CRPS or something else. I don’t think an X-ray will show anything as It only hurts when my ankle or foot is flared up and when I am resting on my bed. It doesn’t hurt when I put weight on it or walk on it. It is a very unusual type of pain when it comes on. I am feeling better because I got some sleep. I woke up around 0030 and had something to eat as I was hungry. I had honey nut cheerios. I emptied my bladder because it had been more than five hours since I last emptied it. I probably will have to go again as I drank the milk in the cereal and had some water afterwards. It’s 0130 now and I am not so tired. I might read the book for a bit until I am tired and can get back to sleep. My pain has finally settled down.

Saturday Blog 05032022

Saturday Blog 05032022

My mother made blueberry muffins so my room smells fruity. I slept for more than 20 hours and I still feel tired. My sore arm has been bothering me all day. It woke me up briefly during the night so I just moved it. I didn’t want to get up. I had drank a lot of water and had a coffee before sleeping. By 1am I had to go pee. It was the only time I got up. I also took my meds as I didn’t take them. I woke up today and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. My mother stepped into the bathroom and it was all I needed to have an accident. I pooped my pants. I didn’t even feel it as I just saw the mess when I took my pants down. I was not happy. I need to take a shower but I am in too much pain with my arm.

I have to brush my teeth today. It has been three days since I last did so. I lost my streak. I have just been so depressed. I had sent a message to my psychiatrist that my depression is worse. I also told him about my weight loss struggles. He said that he would do some med change at next appointment. I see him in a few weeks, the same week I see my TG doc. Ironically, I see him on my father’s birthday. March is a very heavy anniversary month. I first attempted suicide 31 years ago today. Monday will be the first time I entered therapy where I lied my ass off saying I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to be in “trouble”. They dismissed me and didn’t offer any other therapy. I didn’t want therapy but the school nurse convinced me to see the school counselor.

I wanted to make turkey bacon for dinner but I don’t feel like cooking so I just spent my last twenty bucks on McD’s. I have had a shitty day so I need comfort food. Arm is still sore so with my 4PM meds I took a pain med. I don’t know why my bicep hurts. I see PT on Tues.

While I was reading Cry of Pain the other day, I came across a term called “brief affective reaction” which got me thinking about “acute suicidal affective disturbance”. It is something I texted my therapist about and will talk to her about on Mon when I see her. I don’t think she has heard of it before and I wish I could send her the PDF but I can’t. I can only send pics through the patient web thing. I found the PDF that highlights the disturbance. I will share the screen when I talk to her on Zoom on Mon. I have added the picture here if you want to look at what constitutes as criteria. It isn’t a good pic as I took the pic of my laptop screen. I tried to screenshot the page but I don’t know how to do it.

My sleepy hour has approached. I am so tired. I think the uro meds causes some of the drowsiness I feel but I can’t say for sure. I hope I can sleep tonight without pain. I will take a BT med before I lay down. Sometimes that helps to ease the pain a little bit so I can get to sleep.