I am in my 10th hour of being in pain. I didn’t do much. I wanted to have something to eat so heated up a burger. When I was close to being finished with it, while I was sitting, my ankle went berserk. It felt like someone was trying to scoop my ankle bone out of my leg. It was so bad that walking was difficult. I cleaned up after myself and then went up to my room where the pain got worse. I took a breakthrough med and I felt some relief but as CRPS pain goes, one pain goes away and another starts. The pain moved from my ankle down my foot and was excruciating.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my upcoming appointment with a new therapist on Tues. I gave her the name of the therapist I was seeing and told her I had hoped for the best but was thinking the worst. I then watch an episode of Good Omens. I really like this series. The good angel is pretty funny and timid. The demon angel is sort of cocky and sarcastic. They make a good pair. My pain subsided while I watched but soon as the episode was over, the pain continued. I started having anxiety. Took my BP and pulse and it was on the low end of normal but my pulse was really low at 53. I normally would have taken another Ativan but decided not to as I didn’t want to lower my heart rate further. As much as I wanted to die, I didn’t want to do that at home.

I barely left my room since coming back from dinner. Kind of makes me nervous as I haven’t really peed in eight hours. Maybe by “talking” about it, I will get the urge. I am still kind of nervous as my heart rate as of a few moments ago was 51. I emailed my psych about having these anxiety attacks while having high pain and a low pulse. I never got a response but might tomorrow. Or maybe I will email my PCP and see what he says. I like to go through her first as she is my go to doctor. I wouldn’t see her if I had the flu or something but I would at least tell her I had the flu. And she will direct me to my pcp if she feels like I need to be seen by him. She did make me see him when I was losing weight and had no appetite.

I have been thinking about all the stuff that went on while I was in the hospital, mainly about what I was writing in my blog that was getting back the attending psychiatrist. I don’t know why I can’t let it go. I read my last few blogs before being discharge and yes I might have been harsh, but I am always like that when I am venting my frustrations about someone. I don’t hold back my swears or how stupid I think someone is (even though they really aren’t stupid, it is most likely the computer system preventing the nurse for giving me the med I need). The only times I really had problems was when I wanted my breakthrough med and they confused it with the extended release med, even though it is different doses. A few of the nurses thought I couldn’t take it together or couldn’t give me it because of the computer system telling them it wasn’t time yet. But either case, it had no bearing on my care. I was writing because that is what I do when I am upset or frustrated or angry or whatever. It is my release. I can’t really go off at a nurse for doing his/her job. That would be frown upon and I would be spoken to because it would seem inappropriate but me writing about it in the language that I use helps me to release it better than calling someone a fucking moron. I have never given a description of the person, the location where I was, the type of unit I was in, nothing to indicate even the hosp. There are more than one psych units at hospitals in Boston as well as surrounding areas. All these hospitals have nurses. All these hospitals have social workers and contact people, etc. Why would the unit I was on be any different? How was anyone to know I was talking about Jane Doe instead of Jane Smith? This doctor was so out of line and made me feel so censored in what I was writing that I couldn’t write. My one fucking outlet that I use to ease my pain was suddenly being monitored by people I didn’t know reporting me because I was frustrated or was attracted to one of the nurses. Then had the fucking nerve to call me Trumpian. What the actual fuck?!?! I am sure if I brought it up to him, he would deny ever saying that he did and I am sure the social worker would deny it to, even though she was right there when he said it. I have no idea what this doc wrote to my psych. I see her Monday and will find out, I guess or maybe I won’t. I had already told her that there was an implication I wouldn’t be welcomed at the unit again. Frankly, I hope I am not because I hate it there. I wasn’t pleased to be placed there every time and especially in the care of this doctor my last three stays there. I think the only thing that helped me was the increase in Lamictal to better stabilize my mood. The staff, which were excellent, really helped because they took the time to listen to me through my darkness and saw the pain I was in with my ankle. The doc and social worker didn’t. It probably went in report but didn’t go more than that. I never heard the doc say anything when I had a night of pain and was in agony and highly suicidal. I felt bad that the nurse had to come to my room to give me meds because I couldn’t walk to the nurse’s station. If I felt up to it, I did. Unfortunately, I had to sometimes walk to the bathroom and then got stuck. I wish I had brought my cane as that would have helped me more than trying to walk unassisted. Sure there were staff but I feared falling with them than anything. If I fell that would be one thing, but to have a staff member fall with me and the possibility of them getting hurt I wasn’t okay with.

I have been trying to let this stuff go but it really bothered me. Like someone said to me earlier today, it was almost like they were infringing my right to free speech. People right vile things attacking others all the time on social media. I don’t think I am one of those people. I don’t think I verbally attacked any of the staff on the unit. I was just venting my frustrations because I was feeling trapped and needed an outlet. I was also in a lot of pain and wanted to act on my suicidal urges, which frustrated me more than anything else.

Before I end here, I want to thank everyone who reads my blog daily, regularly, or even infrequently. I also want to thank the people that follow my blog as I have just reached 1,000! I never thought I could reach it as I have been close a few times but then lost some people. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Problems fixed, sort of

Problems fixed, sort of

Yesterday I got a notification, again, saying that my bank was invalid to receive royalties from my books. I haven’t been paid since Feb. I have been in contact with Amazon about it. I was to receive a response May 19th, but didn’t hear anything. I emailed them again a day or two when I was home from the hospital. They still didn’t have an answer for me. I had re-entered my information and it still was “invalid”. Today I finally got a response that whatever the issue was, it was now fixed. I should receive my royalties in the next pay cycle, which would be the end of June, I hope. I don’t think it will be much as I haven’t sold that many books. Maybe 1 book per month, though while I was in hospital, a few patients bought a copy of my memoir. I had 3 sales, which is the most I have had in a while. I won’t get royalties for these sales until next month (which won’t be more than $10).

My UTI is clearing up though the urinary pain pills I took are still making my urine orange. Because of this, I am unable to tell if my urine is clear or cloudy. It is dark, but think that is because I barely had anything to drink yesterday. I slept all day and wanted to today but forced myself to get some coffee and eat something. I had a pop tart. I am so off kilter today for some reason. I keep losing my train of thought and remembering how to spell words. I really have to think which sometimes is just blankness.

I had to move the stuff in front of my window because rain was coming. Then I decided to put my recycling in a bag and my back said fuck you. I still did it but now I am still hurting. I hope it goes away so I can shower. I had a box of trash bags but I can’t seem to remember where I put them. I am so frustrated. I needed to find my ethernet cable as my wifi is slow with the internet. I can’t stand waiting for a page to load. The ethernet is a little bit faster. I don’t have cable or FIOS (type of fiber cable). It is too expensive. I looked into cable and for every box you needed for TV, there was a price for it. The bill would be more than $200 and I can’t afford that. I might look into a different service provider. My nephew was telling me there was a company that just did internet services that was cheap and had high speeds for downloads/uploads. I am going to see about it.

I haven’t been eating much past few days. Yesterday I just had a bowl of cereal and then went back to sleep. Today I had coffee as I had a headache but it didn’t clear up the spaceyness I feel. I had a pop tart with the coffee but couldn’t finish the second one. I am hungry but I don’t know what to eat. Have a few options, either an egg and toast or Ramen noodles. I don’t think I have anything else that is appealing. I have the deep dish pizza from Red Baron but it has lost their appeal. Doesn’t help the last few times I have made it, I didn’t make it right or burned it. I got to go to the grocery store as I am running low on my Gatorades. I sort of got used to taking my meds with water but like to take it with something sweeter. I also need coffee as I got just one bottle left of the iced Starbucks. My K-cups have been used either by my sister or nephew. I am not happy about this as they don’t replace it. Hoping Saturday I will make a marinara sauce as I have been craving spaghetti. I might get the premade meatballs while I am there. Only trouble is they don’t reheat well. I will eat them cold though.

Tues I have an appointment with a therapist. I am kind of worried though. I had some questionnaires to fill out. In the appointment box, it says “triage.” I am not sure if this appointment is for an evaluation or not. I don’t want to be evaluated and told I need to wait to see someone else or if this is just because it is our first appointment or what. I am already nervous about this and now I am more nervous. I have waited nearly three months to see someone. I would fricken hate if this is just another “you need a different level of care so here is a referral number.” I will lose my shit if this happens. Then when I calm down, I will not go back to therapy. I will just see my psych and that will be all. I see my psych on Monday and will tell her this. I am tired of being turned away from nearly every therapist within a five mile radius of my house.

more thoughts on my blog

More thoughts on my blog

A reader emailed me and I thought about what she said. This is my blog and last time I checked, calling someone stupid wasn’t breaking any laws. So on this note, I have decided to keep my blog open, not password protected. If that monitor person wants to continue reading my blog, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do know that my stats seem to go up when I post so even if I don’t know who you are, I know you are reading.

I’ve had a horrible day so far. My middle sister has been cleaning my mother’s room. When I got out of my room to take a shower, she said that I had to go through my stuff so she can move her things there. I also had to move the stuff in the living room so she can also move her stuff there. I took my shower and found that the shampoo bottle that had a pump on it, she threw away because the bottle was empty. I was so fucking pissed. I called her an asshole and she got pissed. I don’t care. I am tired of her thinking she is the only person living here and has to make the house the way she wants it to be. I got really suicidal after our exchange. She just doesn’t realize how upset she gets me, like I don’t matter at all. Yesterday she left crap on the stairs, which made it hard for me to go down. I really don’t want to fucking fall and she doesn’t get that my balance is off. She also placed a bin right at the bottom of the stairway, which I kicked out of the way. I got so mad. I texted her, in a neutral way, and got no response. I have no idea if she has blocked me or what but every text I send her, she doesn’t respond to anymore. I sick of her shit. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. After the disaster of a family meeting via phone, I really don’t know how to get through to the dumbass. Yet she has the audacity of calling me selfish. Such a projection.

After my shower, I made something to eat. My foot started bothering me but I still did what I had to do. By the time I made it back to my room, it flared up big time. My foot and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I so want to nap as I have been up since 0630 but I really don’t want to. Will be hard to anyway as there is so much light in my room due to my window being open. I have a hard time sleeping when there is light in my room.

Never had a nap. Just had dinner with my mother. I made hot dogs and beans. My foot wants to fucking kill me. I hate it when simple things cause me pain. You think I was walking miles. Speaking of walking, I really need to get my AFO (ankle foot orthotic) adjusted as my foot keeps slipping. I think I have a bit of atrophy plus with the weight loss, I don’t think it is fitting right. I hate that I gained about 10 pounds while in the hospital, mostly because I was eating three meals a day, but they were huge dishes. I tried to eat a salad with chicken or just a turkey sandwich but it wasn’t always possible because I would forget to fill out the menu for the next day. Sometimes I would skip breakfast as they served eggs at least every other day and I don’t like them. I rather make it. I am just picky like that. The rest of the days they had French toast, which wasn’t bad but it was filling. Since being home, I have been having much smaller meals at least twice a day. Yesterday I just had steak and then a protein bar because I was in too much pain to go downstairs to make something. I forgot how painful stairs were.

I got to fill my med boxes for the week. The doc in the hosp increased the Lamictal and I think it has finally improved my mood somewhat. I kind of feel like what I was before I was in the pit of doom. I am just more tired and on a “day” schedule. I went to bed early, or tried to before pain kept me up till at least 1 am. Then I woke up around 630, only because I had to pee. I am glad I woke up because I leaked. Both my pjs and underwear were wet as I didn’t wear a diaper. I bought a much comfortable brief style while in the hospital because they didn’t have a good kind. I should have brought my own but didn’t think I needed them. Now I know better.

Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens came out the end of May. I got it free because I am an Amazon Prime member. I downloaded the episodes to my Kindle, but I still haven’t watched it yet. I keep meaning to but pain has been a chief distracter. Usually watching a movie or something helps but I don’t have the attention span lately. I can watch short videos and then I get bored if it is more than 10 minutes. I think the only thing I can watch for longer is the Rachel Maddow show. I haven’t watched it in a long while because it was just annoying me. She seems to say the same thing in three different ways over and over. Then she goes on only to come back to the original question or point. I had to take a break and haven’t watched since. Maybe I will watch one episode of Good Omens later tonight, if my pain doesn’t get worse after I do my med boxes.

thoughts on my blog, input needed

Thoughts on my blog

I have been discharged from the hospital. I am paranoid that I am being monitored by someone at the hospital on what I write. I am not 100% positive of this because my stats views have gone back down to there regular numbers. Either way, it got me thinking about how to proceed.

For those that read my blog every day, I would like your input. You can give it to me via my contact page or if you want to leave a comment, that is fine too. If you are a close friend and follow me on other social media, feel free to contact me there as well. I am thinking of password protecting my blogs going forward but want my readers to read them. It would be the same password (unless I feel that it contains information that I only want some people to read. These posts would most likely be of suicidal nature that I don’t want to freak someone out and call the cops on me.)

Let me know how you feel about this. I know that my readership will most likely be down, but I need to do this because I still want this to be my outlet for my frustrated feelings, anger, and depressed thoughts as well as my suicidality, which is why I created this blog in the first place. I know I could just write some where else these “toxic” feelings but it is hard as this has been my source of support and some of it does help people in knowing they are not alone with chronic pain and depression and suicidal thoughts/feelings.

I have protected my posts on Twitter. I am not sure anyone can see them anymore. I know that people that follow me cannot retweet what I write. I really hated doing this but it will only be for a short while when I think I will be free from being monitored. I am really upset over this intrusion of my venting and it being used against me, like there are only nurses at this particular hospital and none of the other hospitals in and around Boston. This is how narrow minded this doctor was and he had the gall to call me a “Trumpian”. This angered me so damn much I had a breakdown after our meeting. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so angry and frustrated. One of the nice mental health workers came into my room to talk to me. She didn’t know exactly what was going on but tried to reassure me this didn’t affect future care at the hospital. I think it is so stupid. I emailed my psychiatrist, who probably just blew it off as me venting steam. I am not sure if the doctor emailed my psychiatrist and told her what I was writing. I would have filed a complaint but usually that doesn’t get anything changed. He was one of the higher ups so my complaint would most likely be thrown in the trash and my record possibly flagged as not to be admitted anymore at that hospital, which is fine with me.

The day before discharge, I had a meeting with my sister and social worker via the phone. OMG it was so fucking terrible. My sister basically verbally abused me. I won’t repeat what was said. I just felt like no matter how much I tried to tell her how much pain I was in and how I needed to recover afterwards, she didn’t hear me at all. She wanted me to go through my stuff while I was recovering from my appointments or anything else that caused my pain to keep me up all night and just stay in bed. I felt so horrible after the meeting which was the same day I was spoke to about my blog. I was just waiting for number three incident to complete the three’s. Thankfully it never happened. I was in so much pain though from being emotionally tapped out. Since I have been home, I have not seen my sister. She asked my mother if I was home but did not come to my room to even say hi to me and her voice toward my mother was kind of testy, like I didn’t belong here at all. I swear she is just like my bastard father. She called me selfish but that is just a projection. The social worker really understood what I go through at home. During the phone call, I wanted to hang up so fucking bad. I wanted to talk to my sister about her use of pronouns but I didn’t think it would be worthwhile. I had an agenda but it totally backfired as I just had to go through my stuff no matter what or how I feel. I really feel unwanted.

So for those reading along, please let me know if you would be willing to read my blogs that are password protected or if you just want me to write like I have been even though it might ruffle some feathers at the stupid hospital I was at.