Letting go of a blankie

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.

My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.

I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.

Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.

PT wiped me out

PT wiped me out

I woke up around 0630 to pee and never went back to sleep. I didn’t take a nap in the afternoon. I just been going. I am running out of half and half so will need to go to the store tomorrow. I tried getting some at the pharmacy but it was expired by three days. I dropped some film after PT and got my meds that I needed.

PT had me working on two machines. I was tired afterwards. My back started cramping up so she gave me a tennis ball to work it out after she massaged it for me. She said it was so tight no wonder it hurts. She is thinking of dry needling it the next time she sees me. I wouldn’t mind that.

The Sox had a day game. My cousin kept texting me the score. We won 15-1 and swept the series. This is the 7th game in a row that we have won. This is the 51st game they have won this season. I am so happy for my team.

The uro NP got back to me today. She asked some questions and I answered then asked some more. She decided that she would answer them tomorrow when we meet. I wrote down my questions so I wouldn’t forget what I wrote her. I had already forgot what the questions were so I am glad I looked it up.

My foot and ankle are hurting. The humidity has gone up even though the temps are in the 70s right now. I already took a breakthrough med because my neck and back were hurting. I feel like shit with my neck and shoulder, back, ankle, and foot hurting me all at once, all different kinds of pain. Yay me. I am so tired. I am glad the Sox played a day game. I can go to bed early. Tomorrow starts the west coast games so I will be up late paying attention to those games.

making phone calls and being on hold

Making phone calls and being on hold

I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.

I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.