Author: Midnight Demon

Can’t sleep blog number 102

Another night where I can’t sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and was up around 2330. I had to pee. Then I wanted some cookies. I had a yogurt, too. I just got the hungry horrors and am trying not to eat. I finally took some pain meds for my cranky ankle and foot. I also took some Ativan. Hopefully I will be asleep in an hour or so.

I have been reading Cognitive Therapy for Emotional Disorders by Beck and it is interesting. I highlighted some things I want to talk to my therapist about. I want to see if she knows my warped thinking and to help me learn more realistic ways to formulate my experiences. It will be interesting to see what she has to say about it.

I had posted that I deserved to die because I was fat and ugly. A friend of mine said that it wasn’t true. I deserve to live even if I am fat and ugly. Fat and ugly people deserve to live is what she said. That maybe true for them but not for me. I haven’t done anything deserving to live. I have half decided that I am going to try and end my life next week. I have to try and keep this information from my therapist. I wish I knew how long the pills would work to kill me. I also hope they don’t make me sick before they kill me. So many unknowns. I don’t like it. But it would be the same if I took Tylenol. It would be hours to days for it to kill me, especially with liver damage.

Well the meds have worked faster than I thought. Going to sleep now but will be back if I wake up later.

I fell asleep for about an hour and then it was around 345. I paid my bills that I could. I cleared my notifications and put the do not disturb back on then went back to bed. I slept until my med alarm went off again. I took my meds. I tried to sleep but I had a disturbing dream so woke up from it. I went downstairs to have breakfast. I wanted pancakes and coffee, as usual. Coffee is a must have always.

My mother was doing her bills and was angry over some order she placed. She was trying to explain it to me but I wasn’t paying attention.

Dentist and other stuff

I slept later than I wanted to so I put my alarm back on for 1100. My bladder was close to bursting so I hurried to the bathroom. I then took my morning meds and checked Twitter. I needed coffee, strong coffee. I went downstairs and made coffee and oatmeal. I still had a couple of hours before my dentist appointment so I went back upstairs. I thought about going to the square to get my meds and then go to the appointment but I had to charge my phone. So I went to the dentist then to the square.

The cleaning went ok. I still had a few cavities and an old filling came out. The dentist was really booked so it won’t be till Oct that I can have my teeth filled. Fine with me. I had twenty minutes before the bus came. I listened to folklore.

While my phone was charging I decided to shave. I also brushed my teeth.

I am really tired. I was going to order food but it was late when I came home and I was hungry. I made a microwave dinner. I was sweating really bad. My shirt was soaking wet. My ankle is throbbing really bad. I stood for way too long. It is going to be a long night with pain. I’m already starting to feel suicidal because of it. I am trying not to go into that spiral.

Can’t sleep blog number 101

I woke up about an hour ago because I had a headache. Now I went to the bathroom because it has been at least four hours since I cathed and was having pressure. Very little urine came out. Even on my last cath before I fell asleep, little urine came out. Hope nothing is wrong other than I haven’t been drinking as much. Urine has been clear and light colored so I am not dehydrated. Just worries me because usually with that pressure I felt, I would have a close to full bladder.

I have to go into the square today to pick up my meds. They have been ready since Monday but there was no way I was leaving the house with the runs and not feeling good. As I cathed last night before bed, I noticed how I was cathing, the position my body was in. It might be some problems when I get the top surgery because I don’t think I can bring my arms forward like I do. I have to discuss this with the surgeon. I might have to void for a while until I heal a bit or at least until the drains and stitches are out.

All I had for dinner last night was a bowl of cereal. My mother was in the kitchen doing her puzzles. I was feeling pretty irritable because I wasn’t feeling good. My mother was annoying me. She must have burped at least 5 times and in between was moaning. Then she started sneezing. It was pretty warm in the kitchen because she closed the door as she was “cold”. She said she was sneezing because she felt a draft on her arms. Where the fuck the draft would come from I have no fricken idea. I hurriedly ate my cereal and left the kitchen. I had to get the fuck out of there before I said something I shouldn’t.

I get paid today. I fell behind in my bills. Now one of my credit cards “minimum” payments is like almost $600. I can’t afford that. I am going to have to call and see if we can work something out. I hate this time of the month because I always get stressed I am going to bounce my checking account like I have before. Last month was the first time in four months I was in the black. Hopefully I can do the same this month.

I got therapy tomorrow. I might cancel the appointment as there is nothing to talk about. I don’t feel like talking. She isn’t pressuring me to come in like she did before. I haven’t been as suicidal this week like I was last week. I think it is because I am not in so much pain like I was. I had some throbbing going on during the pain group but it seems to have settled down some. I still have the bladder pain which is driving me crazy. Technically it has been a year as the pain started when I had my hysterectomy last year. The gyn surgeon noticed my bladder was inflamed then. I never got a response from uro to the message about whether the new med he wants to try is for inflammation. Maybe I will get a response today.

I have an appointment to see the dentist today in the late afternoon. I hope I am able to keep it. I am going to have to leave at least a half hour early because it takes me forever to get up a hill. I thought about taking a cab but it is literally across the street from me so not really worth it. Hope the cavities I have are still the same and haven’t gotten worse. I was supposed to get an estimate on a partial for my baby teeth to be removed but haven’t heard back from either my insurance company nor the dentist. I will ask when I go today if the lady is there that handles it.