Author: Midnight Demon

Anxious Tuesday

I got up a little after 8 this morning. I had to get up because I had an early appointment with PT. I made coffee and had my biscuits with it. I only had one package. My mother wasn’t up yet so I had the kitchen to myself. I thought about having a second cup of coffee when my mother got up. I decided not to have the 2^nd cup. I went off to my bedroom to look at bus schedules. There would be a bus coming around 10 past 10 so I decided to catch that one. I was reading Twitter and then some article to pass the time. I got my bag ready as after my appointment I was going to go to Starbucks.

PT was good. She had me work at different machines. Then she showed me some stretches for my upper back and then stretch my lower back. I felt good and she said that I was doing good. Just a few more sessions and I would be done. I told her I would like to be done before my hysterectomy and she agreed I would be.

I had missed the bus so I had to wait a half hour for the next one to the Square. I didn’t have enough Starbucks funds to order a latte and a sandwich so I just ordered a latte with five shots espresso. I got to the Starbucks and it was quiet and weird. No one was wearing a mask and I began to feel a little panicked. I found a table to sit down and wrote in my journal. The last entry in my journal was 12 Mar 20. I made a space for today’s entry and wrote for a bit before moving on toward the suicide thoughts workbook. I thumbed through it and then started getting anxious. I felt really uncomfortable and wanted to go home. I decided to go to the grocery store and then go home. I did and when I went to the bus stop at the station, I found that the street was closed. I had to walk 1.1 miles to the next bus stop. I was wicked tired and it took some of the anxiety away walking. I was more afraid of missing the bus. I didn’t though and made it home in time for my bladder to almost explode. I just made it to the toilet in time. I was sweating a lot as it was really warm today.

I made a burger once I cooled off. I had it with a slice of Swiss cheese I bought at the store. I’m still kind of hungry so I might make a turkey sandwich or a bowl of cereal later. My back is really hurting from all the walking I did. It started to really flare up while making the burger. My ankle is also flared up so I took a BT med. I read the pre and post op instructions. I should be able to have a BM by the 2^nd day after surgery and if I don’t, I need to take something. I plan on taking Miralax soon as I get home from the hospital because I know what it is like with the anesthesia. It can take me a while to go. In the instructions it said that if I don’t go by the 4^th day after surgery to call the office. I will make sure this doesn’t happen.

I didn’t like the ending

I woke up late this morning but was still on time for therapy. I was able to have a cup of coffee. The session went ok. I told her about the trauma and how I thought my father blamed me for his actions. I realize now that I am not responsible for his actions. I jumped around the session with different things and then my therapist called me on it. I didn’t have much to say about it. I tried different deflections but she still held me to the jumping around. I felt trapped. I told her I found a new show to watch. She said it was a good show (Queen’s Gambit).

I fell asleep after session. I had woken up during the night again because I had to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I thought about taking a melatonin but I didn’t want to have a hangover. I had a sandwich when I got up. It was the first thing I ate all day. My appetite has been up and down the past few days. After I had the sandwich, I had a cup of coffee with some biscuits. Every time I have a cup I want another afterwards. It was just an 8 oz cup. I usually have 10 oz of coffee so can feel a difference. I didn’t have another cup because that would really wire me.

I wanted to go to Starbucks today but I didn’t go. I might go tomorrow after PT. If I can find my backpack. I might bring my laptop. Depends how coordinated I am in the morning as the appointment is in the morning. I have to be ready by 10. Hopefully I will be up at 8 when my med alarm goes off so I can have some breakfast. Just hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope to be asleep around 10 pm tonight so I can get some sleep. I will empty my bladder before bed so I know that it is empty. If I wake up at 6 to pee at least that is around 8 hours sleep.

It was still a cloudy day today. Rain has been in the forecast again. I have no idea when I will have new AC put in. My brother in law said he would do it yesterday but for much of the day it rained. Just really sucks. I have a new AC sitting on my living room floor. I am glad the old one is still working otherwise I would be screwed because it has been muggy as hell. I have the AC on just to keep the humidity out of my room. I talked to my cousin. He is going to take me grocery shopping on Thurs. I need some Gatorade. I have 64oz bottles but it won’t last till next week when I get paid.

My neurologist agreed to start me on the new medicine. I got to wait for it to be in stock in the pharmacy. Once I have it I will taper the citalopram. Just hope I don’t get sick from it.

Saturday Blog 17072021

I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I was able to get back to sleep but the disruption cause me to sleep in late. I have been lazy all day. I had two cups of coffee today. I just finished my second cup. I needed it.

I’ve been feeling really down. I have been thinking about past trauma most of the day. Someone had posted on Twitter that you were not at fault. I couldn’t help but think of all the times my father blamed me for his behavior. If I didn’t act the way I did, I wouldn’t have been beaten up. I wouldn’t have been punished.

I finally took a shower. I realized that my gender dysphoria gets in the way of taking one because I hate the way I look naked. I was having a hard time getting in the shower. Once I am in there I go to automatic pilot and close my eyes as I wash my hair. I wash up and don’t really pay attention to what I am doing. I can’t wait for the day to have the things off my chest and I don’t have to wash under them anymore. I hate during the summer the sweat is so awful.

My ankle has flared up. My foot kind of slipped while I was drying off so I think I may have inadvertently flared it up. I already took a BT med so I just need to wait to take my night meds, which will be soon. I plan on listening to the game. We have a rookie in the lineup that is all the buzz.

I’ve been listening to all my songs and Rascal Flatts “Moving On” came on. I haven’t heard this song in forever and it is fitting where I am at right now. I never dreamed where home is not where I belong struck a cord for me. Also the line where they won’t allow me to change. Such powerful lyrics.