Author: Midnight Demon

To nap or to write?

I woke up twice during the night. The first was to pee. I had a text from my niece and waited for her to respond for an hour. When she didn’t, I went back to sleep only to wake up at 430 with shoulder pain. It took me a while to settle it down. Sitting didn’t help so I had to take a BT med for it. I had a couple of messages on my phone so I checked that while waiting for the med to work. I finally fell asleep around or a little after 6 am. I shut off the med alarm so I could sleep. I woke up around 10 and took my meds. I didn’t feel like getting up but I had to pee again. My appointment with my therapist was at 1pm so I went back to bed to sleep. I had set my alarm for 1240 in case I was still sleeping. I woke up at 1230 and quickly made a cup of coffee. I had just brought the coffee to my room when my bladder said it had to go so I went back downstairs again. Fucking a. I didn’t cath and I swear when I don’t cath, I go every 2-3 hours.

Therapy went well. We talked about my anger I have for being disabled and not being able to work. I miss my job. I could do the work of three people and was respected in that other departments would call on me to work on problem samples. My favorite thing was sendout specimens that were knew due to research articles that were just written but weren’t available commercially yet. I liked the people for the most part though I had a few that bugged me every single day with the sample problem, different patient. It was annoying. There were days I wanted to change my name as everyone seemed to have a problem with something. I was the go to person, even though I wasn’t a supervisor or senior person (on the books anyway). I knew the system backwards and forwards because I was there so long (14 years). It angers me that my supervisor didn’t pull for me to have a position where I could sit and type and do minimal things. Before management became so involved in the workings of the lab, I probably could have stayed on and done those things. But they played by the fucking book and because of my restrictions, I was forced out on disability. The supervisor, who wanted me back, is the one that didn’t accept my restrictions. I am angry at him for forcing me out.

I am tired. I didn’t know if I was going to write or nap. I chose writing. I am so damn tired. I had another cup of coffee after therapy. I guess waking up twice in the middle of the night pays a toll on being tired the whole day. I want to get the recycle out of my room but I haven’t had the energy to do it yet. I still haven’t showered or brushed my teeth. I think I might do this (shower and brush my teeth) before bed. The recycle can wait another day.

94 degrees and no AC

I am dying in the heat. I can’t order a new one until Tues. I found out what my sister said as I had blocked her and the stupid text came in as a download that I couldn’t download to see. I had to ask my niece to send me what she wrote. I got mad but I realized it was because I am disabled and in chronic pain for the last ten years. I wrote to my therapist about it, hoping to talk about it tomorrow. I only wrote to her so I don’t forget.

I see ortho this week. I still cannot hold my full glass water bottle with my left arm. It is too heavy. But then I haven’t been able to lift weights because of my bicep issue.

I went to the pharmacy today and the walk killed my legs. The lactic acid that built up while walking was terrible. By the time I reached my house, I wasn’t using the right muscles for walking. I could feel my body shift to the side muscles for support because the calves were just aching with lactic acid. I was out of breath, again. I had to sit on my porch for a bit to rest. Temps weren’t in the 90s yet but I was sweating really bad.

I listened to the Sox win their first extra innings game. They won in the 10^th with a grand slam. Best way to win a game! Thunder started roaring before the game ended and I was worried they weren’t going to finish it. But it is over now. T-storm is headed this way. My ankle and foot are telling me so as they are buzzing very intensely. I hope it cools off some.

I should be sleeping…

I should be sleeping but I am still upset over my sister. My mother needed some hangers so I gave her the box that I had. The bitch said I would wash them. I said why? They are in plastic. She says oh. Ya oh so shut the fuck up bitch. My younger sister was there and said something to me. Fuck you too for sticking up for the bitch who uncalled for said something about the hangers. I am so sick of both of them treating me like I am a diseased bug of some sort. Gets me so annoyed.

I know and don’t want my younger sister to play referee. She shouldn’t have to. But she is my support at times. She loves me and I love her. She has always been there for me. Lately though I feel like I am on her nerves. So I have been trying not to be on her nerves by not calling or texting her. I know her job is stressful.

I have been trying to get through the 13 pages of the ABC PLEASE skill that my therapist sent me. OMG are you fucking serious? When I went through it, I thought two things, totally hetero and ableist. The only thing I like was the one where you can think about sex. This skill isn’t for me. I need a skill that I can do and learn that will click. This is too complex. A is about action and doing stuff now. B is about something I can’t remember because there were like four parts to it. C was again complicated. I don’t like DBT shit. I should have told my therapist that I wanted an easy skill with only a few parts. Not something that is going to take me WEEKS to learn!

Ugh, It is 1 O’clock. I don’t remember the last time I went pee. I guess I should empty my bladder and then try and go to sleep. This day has been so damn shitty. I hate that I have been crying but I’m glad I am because I know I need to get the tears out. It makes me feel better but also makes me very lethargic. I really hope I can get my meds tomorrow without dying. I don’t know what time It is going to be really hot out but the pharmacy doesn’t open until like 10am. I plan on going around noon, unless I can get my bro in law to go. He is good about it.

I saw a friend’s top surgery revision today and I literally just started crying because I was so happy for him. Made me wanted mine so much more. I really hope my friend isn’t joking about staying at her place while I recover. She lives in south of Boston and it might just be the break I need from my family.

I wasn’t sure I’d be writing today. Bitch sister has me all upset last night and it carried over into today. She said some things to my niece so now my niece might think I am not in chronic pain or even disabled. What is worse is that my highly opinionated niece didn’t say one word to stick up for me. I may be paranoid here but I seriously think everyone in my family is against me. I told my mother this morning and she didn’t say a damn word.

It got me thinking about my top surgery. I will have no one to help me with dressing changes. I will have ask the doc for nurse to come every day to check on me. I hope this will be possible. If it isn’t, well my death by suicide will be sooner than planned.

I spent the day riding taxis so I could get my meds and some food. I couldn’t believe the price of a half gallon of half and half is now. Price gouging is real. I had to do a lot of walking because the voucher was only for food and medical appts. Luckily there was a supermarket next to the pharmacy I had to go to. Then I forgot the half and half so had to go through the store to the back where the dairy products were. My legs were killing me. And there was no place to sit except for some cement half steps on the building. Was very low to the ground and not comfortable at all. By the time the taxi came to take me home I was exhausted. I couldn’t go to the pharmacy close to my house to pick up the rest of my meds. That will be tomorrow’s adventure.

I am trying to enjoy the game but I have been crying on and off since I came home and the bitch came home making me feel more hypervigilant than ever. She sent me a text saying she was sorry. It had a but in it so I knew she wasn’t really. She said sorry to me last night but with a smirk and attitude of self righteousness. Told her to fuck herself. Then went upstairs and I had a fucking panic attack with a crying fit. I took a hefty dose of gaba last night with my night meds. I was hurting, physically and mentally.

The workers are finally done with painting and fixing the walls. They put up handle bars for my mother to make it easier for her to go down and up the stairs. Easier for me, too. I can sleep late again.