Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday Blog 23102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 23102021
Pain and loss

My shoulder kept me up most of the night again. I have been sleepy all day. The pain has now moved to my neck which is annoying me. I put some heat on it and it helped a little bit. I don’t know if I should put heat on my shoulder because it is broken. I just been putting the heating pad around the areas of shoulder but not directly on it. My muscles are really tense and they hurt. I think I need to be in a sling but will wait till Monday when I see the doc. I have had a tough time controlling the pain today. I think the ibuprofen is giving me heartburn so I stopped taking that. Took a few doses of Mylanta to finally get that under control. I finally had something to eat and that seems to make my stomach better. I just had a cup of tea today. I figured the tea would be better than coffee.

I lost the urge to pee. I just get uncomfortable in my bladder that tells me I need to go empty it. I went nearly eight hours because I was trying to sleep. I was hoping the urge would come and it didn’t. I told my pcp this but I guess he isn’t concerned about it because I haven’t heard back from him. I should go to the ED but I don’t want to be there for hours. I don’t have any other symptoms of cauda equina syndrome but I am keeping an eye on things. I don’t have too much back pain today so that is good.

The sox lost the game last night so their season is officially over. I am sad about it. They just couldn’t get a hits together for runs. It was sad as they did so well to end up like this.

I am very tired. I hate waking up in the middle of the night with my shoulder because I have to sit up for a bit for it to calm down. Then I go back to sleep only to have the same thing happen a few hours later. I am running out of my BT meds so I have been rationing them. I can’t call in a refill of them till Wed of next week. I am going to ask for a little bit more this month because I don’t know how long it is going to take for these fractures to heal.

I want another cup of tea but I think I will make it an herbal one rather than black. I am so tired though, I just want to go to sleep. Hope the pain meds I took an hour ago work for my shoulder. I could use some relief from pain. It is making me agitated and hopeless. With baseball season almost over, I can move on to college football. I love watching Ohio State and Nebraska. Can’t wait for tonight’s OSU game.

laid low but didn’t nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Laid low but didn’t nap

I woke up three times last night with my shoulder hurting me. The first time, I took some pain meds. The second and third time, I just sat up and moved my shoulder around a bit and that helped ease the pain. A couple times I was able to go back to sleep right away and another time, it took me a while to get back to sleep. I got up about a half hour after my med alarm went off. I had my coffee and belVita biscuits. My back was tender but it wasn’t severely painful like it had been all week. I took a tennis ball to it to massage some of the knots and it helped even though it hurt to do it.

For lunch I had made a tuna fish sandwich. It was good. I haven’t had tuna in a long while. After I had the sandwich, I made a cup of coffee. My plan was to have three cups today so I would stay up and listen to the ball game. I am nervous about this game because if the Red Sox don’t win, they go home. It is going to be a nerve wracking game. Just hope my cousin isn’t so negative like he was last night. He really pissed me off. I just hope the bats start hitting tonight or I am gonna have to block my cousin. I can’t stand it when someone says the obvious but it doesn’t happen. That isn’t what baseball is about. I am wearing my Sox LGBT hat with the TG logo pin on it. Hope it brings them luck tonight. I also shaved off my goatee and mustache. I am clean shaven all around. I shaved the sides and back of my head today. I didn’t shower but I plan to tomorrow. I am starting to stink. I also need to shave my armpits as the hair is getting pretty long. It has been a while since I have shaved.

I wanted to go out today to get some half and half but I just got too lazy. I wanted to nap this afternoon but knew if I did, it might mess up my sleep more than it already is. I haven’t been in too much pain today so I have not been taking my BT meds, which is good. My shoulder still throbs but ibuprofen seems to help it along with Excedrin. I think the aspirin and Tylenol combination in Excedrin helps with the inflammation and broken bone pain. I really hope I don’t need surgery. I hope the X-rays that I will have on Monday show some healing in the right direction.

If my shin pain doesn’t stop, I am going to have to take a BT med. It is hurting really bad a 9 out of 10 pain, 10 being the worst. I wish I knew what caused this pain to be set off so I could avoid it. But the neuro and I think it is a spread of the CRPS. I probably have it in my shin bone. I just hope it doesn’t travel up my leg. I hope I have a bowel movement tomorrow. It’s been like 3 or 4 days that I have gone without one. I am starting to feel uncomfortable. I have been taking Miralax, yesterday I took a dose and a half to finish the bottle off and still nothing today. I just worry that when I do go, it will be colon blow time and I will have an accident.

pain pain pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain pain pain

All week I have been in pain, either my shoulder or my lower back. I am waiting for a call for an urgent care center to make an appointment so I can have my back looked at. I keep on getting spasms and it makes me immobile. I have been putting heat on as well as taking Ativan, Zanaflex, and my BT meds. I haven’t been sleeping because my shoulder has been waking me up in pain. I feel really depressed and last night was the worst night as I thought about suicide and came up with a plan. I just realized that I haven’t had the urge to pee the last few days. I just been cathing because it is what I do but I haven’t had an urge to pee. I hope this doesn’t mean something is wrong with my back. I just had an MRI about two months ago and things looked good. I got an appointment for this afternoon and I hope they don’t send me to the ED for MRI testing.

The pain I have in my back is severe. I still got spasms in it and think I just need PT to work out the knots. Maybe some dry needling is all I need for it, provided a disc didn’t shift and I need to see my neurosurgeon again. I took my breakthrough med and ibuprofen and that seems to have eased some of the pain I was feeling. Just hope I can get dressed and walk to the bus stop without too much pain. I am going to the hospital in case I do need to switch to the emergency room.

My left side of my body really hurts. The shoulder MRI report came back. It looks like I have two fractures in my shoulder caused by the dislocation I took when I fell. The urgent care doc that I saw said that it is really important that I keep my appointment with ortho on Monday for further treatment of my shoulder. I hope that doesn’t mean surgery.

I just came home from Urgent care. I was there for almost two hours, most of the time just waiting to be seen. I told him what the story was and he said I was on a good regimen and to continue taking what I have been taking. Then I asked him about dry needling and PT and he sent a referral for it. So now I am going to have dry needling on my lower back. I can already feel the pain. It is hot in my room so I turned on the AC. I haven’t changed into my PJ’s yet. I want to cool down first. I had a snickers bar and Reese’s peanut butter big cup with pretzels for dinner. I don’t feel like having anything else, unless I get hungry later then it will be a bowl of cereal.

My shoulder is aching but my back pain is worse right now. I am so tired. I think I am going to take my night meds early and try and be in bed before 9pm. Sox are off tonight. I finally mailed my ballot today so I feel good about that. It has been in my room all week. I am glad I didn’t go to the ED tonight. I nearly fell asleep while I was waiting to be seen in urgent care. Chronic pain just takes so much out of you. Not sleeping at night also takes its toll. I woke up three times last night with my shoulder hurting me. I guess the pain will stop when the fractures heal in another 6-8 weeks.