Category Archives: depression

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

A day of rest yet still in pain

A day of rest yet still in pain

Yesterday I stayed in bed most of the day. I slept for the majority of the time. Both ankles were still hurting and my left foot/ankle was still swollen, though not as much. It really didn’t go down until late last night. I wanted to write a blog but after about an hour of just checking email and trying to remember my password for my book thing, I got tired and went back to sleep. I had every intention of writing a blog, it just never happened. I still am locked out of my book thing. I just tweeted to try and get help that way as you apparently need to log in to ask for help (that is useful when you can’t do so!)

Both ankles are still hurting me though not as much as they were. My left is worse than my right. I made a bacon sandwich but I couldn’t finish it. My appetite has been awful the past few days. I just am not hungry. Yesterday all I had was an egg sandwich and a protein bar. I didn’t feel like eating. I also haven’t been drinking though my bladder has been going. My kidneys are still functioning.

I had to call my dentist office because I received an explanation of benefits for Aug 3rd of this year. I haven’t been to the dentist since like January. They billed it wrong and got the wrong teeth on the thing so will have to redo it. It is from the work they did last year that they never billed. I had emailed my insurance but if they respond, I will let them know it is an error.

I’m still debating on changing my appointment with PT tomorrow. But I got to get out of the house. It will depend on my pain levels. Just making the bacon kind of caused more pain. I also went down to my sister’s to make coffee. I didn’t want to make it.

I got into the book thing. I was using the wrong email address. UGH. Having the same but different email accounts suck! I just hope I remember now. All that hassle for nothing. I emailed my PT saying that the exercises are painful as I am still sore. I tried to do them and my foot didn’t like it. Moving my foot up still hurts. I think it is still swollen. I have been taking ibuprofen to calm it down. I haven’t taken any today. Sucks when you need your lower body to walk and it hurts. My mother’s back is hurting her today. She is not using the walker to get around so that looks like a good sign. I still am nervous about her going up to her bedroom. I don’t think she is ready because she still has trouble on the stairs going into our apartment.

Swirl of Things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

Swirl of things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

If you are a daily reader, I apologize for not writing for a few days. I’ve been in a lot of pain and yesterday I had my cousin’s wedding. It went well. My ankle is still swollen from last night and I have the concert to go to tonight. I am wicked worried. But I don’t want a ticket to go to waste. I had some difficulty going to sleep and slept pretty hard when I finally did. Least until my damn med alarm went off at 7. I had changed the time because I was up early one morning and never changed it back. Dumb move. I fell back to sleep okay and thought I was going to sleep the day away. I really wanted to. But my bladder wouldn’t have it.

I got up and had coffee. Then my mother made grilled cheese for lunch. My sister wants to go to some Mexican restaurant where the concert will be so that should be fun. I love Mexican food. I am always up to trying new stuff. I know the burritos and stuff is so much different than Taco Bell, lol. I hope I won’t be in too much pain. I managed okay at the wedding with taking BT meds. I mostly drank water the whole night. I didn’t want soda. I did have one coke but that was it. I didn’t want to go to the bar. I took some pictures and when I showed them to my mother, she said I didn’t take a picture of the dress. I thought the person IN the dress was more important! She was absolutely beautiful. All my cousins were and my aunt, the mother of the bride. I talked with my cousin, the oldest sister of the bride. She looked stunning. Her hair was done up and she hated it. I liked it. We laughed about it. I took a picture with her. I really don’t have any pictures with them. It is something I regretted when my uncle died earlier this year so I when I am together with them, I try to take a picture. I didn’t much talk with the lunatic and she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care. We sat at different tables. I was grateful. I did feel bad for my cousin’s wife who sat next to her as it looked like she was talking her ear off.

The ride home was a lot faster than getting there. There was a bunch of fog so we took it slow until we got to the highway. We couldn’t see more than two feet in front of us. My ankle was so done. We had this incline to get to the parking lot and I knew if I tried it, I was going to hurt so went down some stairs and walked to the car. It was better to be on level ground. The place was so beautiful. It was a castle and just majestic. I didn’t take any pictures. I didn’t think of it. Oh well.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Monday. I might have to reschedule my appointment with PT, depends on how I do tonight. I know I am bringing my cane with me. I didn’t wear the air cast for my sprain. It seems okay though it is kind of sore right now. I haven’t decided if I will wear it tonight. We will be leaving in a couple of hours. I want to shower but I know it will take some energy I will need tonight. I still have no idea what I am going to wear for a T shirt. I am in a white shirt right now but I am not wearing that out. I just wear white as an undershirt or for around the house.

The dress shirt I wore was perfect but I hated the things on my chest. It would have fit better if I didn’t have those fucking things. God, do I hate them. Makes me want to get a sharp knife and cut them off. I am scared that if I ever did do it, the surgeon would reattach the things. That would piss me off! I just got to wait for top surgery, which is so fucking long!!

Humidity is going to be ugly today. I really, really, really cannot wait for a temp of 70 or so without fucking humidity!! But summer isn’t over yet and then we’ll probably have an Indian summer so AC stays in! It probably will stay until November. I think I took it out the beginning of Dec last year. I didn’t use it for a month but the colder weather started so I needed to out to keep my room warm. That is when I broke my screen. Oops. I have fixed it though. My brother in law will put it in when he takes it out. I tried putting the sucker in, but my arms are too short to really reach where it needs to go. I also don’t have the strength to do it. It is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I am debating on having my brother in law take it out of my room or not. I really want a new AC for next year. I am saving up for it now. I have about 6 months to save and I think I can do it, if I don’t get impulsive or have my painsomnia spending sprees. That was kind of crazy. I am glad they have stopped since I am on the new meds.

I might write tomorrow but not sure. Depends on how I feel. Hopefully I won’t be in horrible pain the next few days. But I planned a few rest days so hopefully that will help.

three hour evaluations

Three hour evaluations

I had my three 1 hour evaluations today for the pain program. First one was with the social worker. Think I gave too much information about my suicidal history than I would have liked. I did have a teaching moment where I told her “safety contracts” were shit and safety planning was in. She wrote down all that I wrote so I hope she looks it up and it benefits her.

Then I met with the occupational therapist. He was good. Told me to use “wet” heat more, like on a daily basis to try and reduce flares. Yea, cause I know when they are going to happen. I liked the idea though. He was the only part of the three hour ordeal where I didn’t feel threatened.

The last hour, or should I say half hour, was with a physical therapist. I hated this so much. And it upset me more. She had me dorsiflex my foot and when I did so, immediately said I didn’t need the AFO. WTF I am so damn tired of fighting to wear this brace. I probably don’t need it but I know me and how I am when I am out. The last fucking thing I want to do when I am tired after an appointment or other reason I am out and about is drag my leg because my ankle went out or my ankle is too fatigued it can’t flex anymore. I explained this and I got a “yes, I understand”. No you don’t you bitch! You don’t live my life. These people deal with chronic pain patients and this is the attitudes they get? Seriously?? I honestly don’t care if I get into the program or not. I have enough to deal with mentally than deal with the so called professionals who think they know what chronic pain is like when they have never experienced it. I hope they don’t because they are in for a shock when they do.

This PT also said my hips are tight. Yes, I know. Four fucking back surgeries will do that. I also don’t have a curved spine in the lumbar region. I know, it’s more like a question mark than an “S”. So basically my ankle/foot are fine and my hip muscles are tight. I don’t get what she wanted from me, maybe more pain. I don’t know. She said one of my PT evals had my fexion as a zero and today it is a 5. I told her it all depends on the day. I am sure if I saw her now, I wouldn’t have the same results. Or if I had been walking more to get to the office (not wearing my AFO, for example). Then she harped on the right ankle. It will get better, though I am not sure what will happen as they have me going for my left ankle/foot not my right. I am just so disgusted and frustrated.

I asked if I can continue seeing my PT and I could until the people I saw today met and discussed if I was suitable for the program and to work out what treatment plan will happen. It will take a few weeks. I told her I have problems remembering the exercises my PT gives me, even though she gives me a sheet so she marked my memory with a question mark. Okay. I do have trouble remembering something I saw for five minutes and then didn’t have to work on until the next day. I didn’t do any PT today and not going to as I am exhausted. I thought I would be able to make a taco tater tot casserole but I don’t know what I was thinking. I had to rest when I came home and then I just collapsed. I couldn’t move anymore. My foot and ankle started barking at me.

I am debating on keeping an eye on the Sox game or just going to bed. Today if they win, it will be their 100th. I kind of want to stick around for it but I am just so wiped out that I don’t think I can. I just turned on my AC and turned it up to 74. I need air in my room as it is stuffy but it’s kind of cool out. My cheeks are burning up, they are so hot. I need to get a dehumidifier. Cool days like this I can smell the drywall. I hope I don’t have mold. That would be one expensive job to remove it and my mother would freak.

just another busy day with PT

Just another busy day with PT

I didn’t get much sleep last night. My feet got cold as the temps were chilly. Then they warmed up after wearing thermal socks. I took them off and OMG my foot went berserk. It felt like a knife was cutting an arc in my foot. It took several hours for it to settle for me to sleep. I also had anxiety. I tried reading and it kind of helped to take my mind off the pain. The book is almost done. I had about 60 pages to go when I read a couple more chapters before shutting off the light. When my alarm went off at 630, I was in a pissy mood. I didn’t want to get up. I snoozed the alarm and then realized I didn’t give myself too much time for snoozing. I really had to leave the house at 7 to get to my appointment on time.

I got up and brushed my teeth. I took my meds and got dressed. I was kind of rushing as it was now after 7 and I wasn’t sure what the buses were running as I was going in the opposite direction today. I got to the station and waited for a bus that would take me where I needed to go but I was getting impatient to took the train to the station closest to the PT office. I still had to wait for a bus. I just wanted coffee and maybe something to eat at that point. My PT was running late so I got some time to finish my coffee. She had computer problems so was running late. We chatted and then she worked on my ankle, which had already started hurting soon as I left the house. She was easy with me. I have no idea what she was doing. She asked if I did the exercises and I just said I was tired, like leave me alone and can I go home now? I was so cranky.

I got home without incident. It was still early. Plan was nap, eat something, do laundry. My phone kept interrupting my nap so I silenced it. Then my sister called. I missed it because it was on silent. I called her back and she asked where my mother was. I said she was out. It was close to when my niece would be coming home so I told her I would let her in and I went downstairs. I made bacon, though it didn’t look so good. It tasted okay and I don’t feel sick so I think I am okay. I really didn’t feel like opening the other package. I wanted to shower before I started the clothes. My mother came home and her sugar was low. My sister was with her so got her juice. It wasn’t horribly low, just under a hundred. The juice would be okay. Then she ate a banana. I felt better about that.

I put the groceries away though I didn’t feel like it. She bought a crap load of eggs and four (4) cases of tomatoes because they were on sale. Italians. What can you do? After I did all that, I went upstairs to grab a change of clothes so I could shower. It would prove worthless as it was too humid. I was so damn hot. I forgot to put the cold air on. I just went up to my room to cool off. I just ate so I didn’t want dinner. I might have some of my cake. I really want to make a taco tater tot casserole but I really don’t want to clean up. I will try and get up early tomorrow so I can make it before my appointments. Least if I make it, I will have dinner after all my appointments tomorrow.