transition appt and other things

Transition appt and other things

I’ve had an early day as I woke up around 5. I decided to stay up as I needed to get up at 7 to shower and get ready to leave the house the latest at 815. I played with my phone, talking to a fellow tweety buddy about stuff. I had woken up with spaghetti arms and she never heard of the term. I explained that it was a side effect of my antipsychotic medication. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen now and then. Around 6 I decided to heat up a burrito and then shower. For some reason, my heating method didn’t work as well as before as parts of the burrito were cold. I might have to use the second side at 40 seconds rather than 30. I had a glass of juice and then hit the shower.

By the time I was done, I was wiped out. I had about 45 minutes before I had to get dressed so I decided to risk laying down. I set my alarm and when it went off, I didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed for another ten minutes before getting dressed and leaving the house. It was sunny out and a little chilly but it would warm up a little by the time I got home. I just caught the bus to the station. While I was on my way, my friend texted me saying that she couldn’t meet me because something came up. She felt bad as she was looking forward to seeing me. I told her not to worry. I will be having frequent trips to the health center so there will be other opportunities.

The appt went well. I asked him what to do with the one female hormone I am taking to stop my periods. He said once I start testosterone, I can switch to a progesterone only pill until the T builds up in my system to adequately stop my menses. I might have a period or two while adjusting. He needs to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist and then I think by next appt, I could be ready to go for T shots. It will be weekly and could take as long as 6 months to show changes because of my age. I asked about top surgery and he said that can be discussed once I have begun changing. He asked if I wanted bottom surgery and I said no due to my nerve injury. I still don’t know how T is going to affect my sex drive or how it is going to be. I am kind of worried because when I was sexually active (some 15+ yrs ago), after my nerve injury it was very painful and I hated it. Since I have been out of that crummy relationship, I have not been with anyone. It’s so damn hard because even my urine is fucked up some days. Like the other day it was like all I did was pee. Then the next day, I hardly peed at all, no matter how much I drank. It’s so frustrating.

With the length of this transition, I am kind of thinking of how my plan is going to be and what to do about it. I haven’t put anything in motion, mostly because I haven’t been up during business hours to place phone calls. I emailed my psychiatrist in a kind of panic email about all of this as I was in a pain flare and basically going nuts like I do. I just get so overwhelmed with anxiety during a flare, like the world is ending kind of feeling. I also become more suicidal as I want to escape the pain. I don’t want to live anymore if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life in horrific pain every single day. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile going through the transition or to start it. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking it will pass and I can manage the pain again, but then there are days where I am set in my ways and I want to go through with it. I still have time as it will take some time to organize things. I have no deep rush. I do know it will be sometime this year. I just don’t know when, specifically.

just a blog about nothing

Just a blog about nothing

I woke up around 0330 because my bladder said so. It was hard to go back to sleep when I came back to my room so I stayed up for an hour or two. My med alarm went off around 8 and I took my BP med then went back to sleep. I had a crazy fucked up dream when I woke up. My mother had fixed my clothes that were in the hallway and just laid out my t-shirts. The rest of the clothes had disappeared and I had no idea where they were. I kept meaning to ask her but I didn’t want to start a fight. Weird.

I got up and there was no snow. The storm was a crock. It was raining at 330 am when I was up and was still raining a little when I got up around 11. I brushed my teeth and then made breakfast. I made four burritos, freezing three and eating the one. It was good. I am out of burrito wraps. I will get more next week. I then made coffee, but I made it too sweet so I couldn’t drink it. I think I will make a cup of tea. I am fricken exhausted. I felt like going back to sleep but decided I would go to Walgreens to fill my script.

I am glad it wasn’t icy out. It was really warm in the store and I should have just wore my sweatshirt. My insurance would only fill one script. The other was too early so I need to come back tomorrow to get it. I am out anyways so no big deal. My mother wanted a few things so I picked that up. I bought some Reese’s dark peanut butter cups as I wanted something sweet. I have such a headache. I came home and while I was taking off my socks, damn elastic flared my foot. It felt like I was trying to remove the bones in my foot. I hurt so much. My pain wasn’t too bad up till then.

I’m getting hungry and think I will make a tuna sandwich. I’ve been wanting to make one for a while but it has always been at weird times (like 9 pm or after). I will be getting sliced carrots for a muffin recipe next week. I can use the left over for tuna sandwiches. I love having something crunchy in the sandwich. Tastes better.

I would be listening to the game but my head hurts too much. I woke up with my head between the two pillows and my neck at a weird angle. Hate when that happens. I can’t have my head flat on the mattress as it always gives me a headache. I took some advil to try and ease it.

My niece is home from school today because they cancelled school. I will be making her mac and cheese for supper. I’ll have some with my tuna sandwich. Sounds like a plan to me!

bus hopping

Bus hopping

I woke up around 0840 with my bladder close to bursting. I quickly took my meds and “ran” to the bathroom. I went back to my room to sleep for about an hour or so. I didn’t drink anything other than the sip or two of Powerade I had with my meds. My bladder was close to bursting again and it hurt so bad after I emptied it. I was like WTF. I know between my meds and stupid nerve injury, my bladder is fucked but fairly functional. I was so annoyed. I wanted to make breakfast burritos but was getting antsy. I was hungry so I had the one that was in the freezer with the picante sauce. I then took the longer way to the square, which required two buses. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and wrote a little in my journal. It was fricken cold today but again I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt so I was roasting. I couldn’t write anymore so decided to use the bathroom (bladder was full yet again!) and then leave to go into town.

Caught the train and picked up my scripts. The “storm” is now slated for the evening/night. I could have rested today but whatever. I came back to the Square and just missed the bus so I caught a bus to the other bus location to the bus home. For what should have taken me 2 hours, took me three because I had to catch four buses. I was freezing and by the time I reached my house, my ankle was talking to me. I really needed some pain meds. I wore sweatpants that I swear just make you sweat. No breathable material.

I went up to my room and changed then got under the covers. I played on my phone until dinner was almost ready. My mother was making a turkey tenderloin. It was okay. I would have like breadcrumbs over BBQ sauce. My ankle was screaming by the end of the meal. I wanted to go back to my room but my fricken mother told me to put the veggies away as her back was hurting. Pissed me the fuck off.

Then I find out the “storm” is only going to be about six fricken inches at the most, which is NOTHING! And now it looks definitely like evening/night so I wasted a day, hurting my fricken ankle for an errand I could have done tomorrow. I am so pissed. The way this “storm” is moving, it probably will go out to sea by tomorrow and we won’t get jack. Fricken weather people just love to hype shit up!! I am so fricken sick of this. I heard one weatherman say last storm that it was going to be heavy snow turning to snow! What the hell does that even mean??!! Isn’t SNOW SNOW???? Unbelievable!

I need Pearl Jam but I got a fricken migraine so country music it is. I don’t know why every fricken time I turn on the radio app, I listen to commercials. EVERY SINGLE TIME! My sister called to tell me I need to make sure my niece is out of the house by 750. Yuck. I need to get her up at 730. I set my alarm after the call so I wouldn’t forget. I guess I will have an early start to making my burritos tomorrow. I am going to make them with two cheeses, cheddar and American. I should buy Monterey Jack as that is creamier than cheddar. Also melts better. Think I will put it on my growing grocery list. I think I am up to $175 in groceries, but a few items are meat so that is why it is so expensive. I want to get ribs again and some hot dogs. I found out they have a 16 count of my favorite brand that is a few dollars more than an 8 count. Score. I am also getting some eggs because I know we will be out by then, even though I just bought three dozen. I need at least a half dozen to make my burritos. I think that will be at least 3-4 burritos. They kept nice in the freezer and warmed up good, too, for my first trial. So it is worth it to make it in batches.

The Hunt for Picante Sauce

The hunt for Picante sauce

I was in severe pain last night after taking my night time dose of pain meds. It wasn’t even two mins in my system when I moved to lay down that my ankle exploded in severe pain. It was then the waiting game of what to do/take. I was up till around 4. Around 3 I got hungry and heated up the breakfast burrito I made a few days ago. I wanted something spice and found a packet of picante sauce from McDonalds. YES! It was so good. My belly was full and I was able to get to sleep, though it wasn’t restful as I kept waking up every couple of hours, with my med alarm scaring the crap out of me. I would have stayed in bed but I had to see my therapist. I woke up shortly after 11 so there was no chance of a shower. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. My mother made pancakes and saved me some. I took them with me to have at Starbucks with my much needed espresso.

I got to Starbucks and had 5 shots of espresso and the pancakes. It was good. I then wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for my therapist’s office. It was bloody cold but I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt and that made me sweat. My ankle was still bothering me so I took a strong pain pill to keep it quiet. In my Painsomnia state, I had written an email to my psychiatrist that was basically telling her I was going through with Plan A. She had responded with some weird inquiries so I had some explaining to do. We exchanged emails and I think everything is sorted. Not quite sure though as she never responded with my last email.

I went to my therapist’s office and session went well. He was surprised that the pain doc and my PCP had decided to go collaborate and not include me in the conversation. It is still a mystery why my psychiatrist needs to be involved. I asked him if the LGBT doc had been in touch with him and he said that they were looking for my entire record from him. He didn’t send it because he wanted to talk to me first and I am glad he did because I do not want them to have the record. They may talk to him, but I do not want what we talk about to be shared. He said that he is willing to write a letter if they need it but it will cost me. I am not worried about that. He said he would prefer a phone call. I agreed. So Friday when I meet with the doc, I will ask him what he wants with my therapist. As of yet, the LGBT doc has not contacted my psychiatrist. I have no idea if he got my medical records or what. Now I am really nervous about the appt.

I am on the fence on moving forward with my transition because of my plan. I am going to send my PCP a message about what he plans on doing with my pain meds. I am planning on picking up the script on Wed, if they are ready. After therapy, I went on my picante sauce hunt. I went to the grocery store at the Square and they had shit selection but no picante sauce. The eggs were also up thirty cents since I bought them Saturday. I went to another grocery store and they had the picante sauce! Yay! I bought three dozen eggs and a half gallon of juice, my kind as the one my sister bought my mother sucks. It is from concentrate and I like it not from concentrate. It just tastes better. I got home and had to shower. I was sweating and because I was holding my urine, I leaked pretty good. I felt gross. I knew my ankle wasn’t going to like it but that is what pain meds were for.

After the shower, I had dinner that my mother made. Then she yelled at me because I spent so much on the eggs. I should have destroyed the receipt but I forgot I left it in the bag. It wasn’t even her money! She said she wasn’t sending me shopping anymore. Fine. Whatever. I don’t give a shit. You buy your eggs and I’ll buy mine!

I just made a cup of orange spice tea and I am going to relax the rest of the night. My back and ankle are killing me. I hope I am not up all night again. I need to clean out my backpack and find out what the hell is so damn heavy. I think I am going to switch to my messenger bag. It is time for a change anyway. Time to rock the Pearl Jam bag!

counting down toward baseball 11 days

My ankle has been hurting me most of the day. I woke up at 6 in pain, managed to go back to sleep and got up around 1400. I made coffee and walking was difficult. Any weight that I put on my ankle made it hurt more. I had some cookies as I didn’t know what to eat. I was watching the game. It was the top of the 5th and they scored soon as my coffee was done. YAY! My “boyfriend” Benny Biceps (Andrew Benintendi) scored a home run. I decided to make some boiled eggs and toast before going back to my room.

My mother wanted me to look up some cleaning machine on my computer. I told her the price and I guess it was too high as she didn’t say anything else. I don’t know why she wants another one. She bought one for the kitchen floor that she has yet to use. I don’t get it. She has bought several sets of pans that are on the porch. Guess she is waiting for the ones we use every day to fall apart before we can use them. I don’t know. They are the copper ones they show on TV. I used one of them while making the beef for Manwich. It was good as things didn’t stick to it. I might use the smaller pan when I make scrambled eggs.

I am so exhausted from being in pain. It is draining the fuck out of me. My psychiatrist never responded to the email I sent her about what the pain doc said. I have no idea if my PCP has contacted her or what. I hate that I am not being included in the conversation. It IS my life they are talking about and MY care. I hate that this is just dragging on. I am still going to go through with my plan. I will make phone calls tomorrow, though that is giving me anxiety. I hate talking to people on the phone. I rather text or email. I know it will be a few transfers to get a hold of someone that is in charge of getting my pension and what to do with it. I also know that once I start the process, there is no looking back. I know I don’t have to do this but I can’t stand being in pain 24/7 anymore.

When my check comes in this month, I plan on ordering my books so I can give them to the libraries. I want my hometown to have a couple of copies and the idiot town I live in, even though I hate this city very bad. I also need to get my spare phone fixed. No point in getting new glasses. HA, one less expense, though I currently am hating the pair I have right now. I should make a list of all that I need to do. I have two places I want to eat at before I go.

Even though my feet have been under the blankets the past two hours, they are ice fricken cold. It’s kind of cold in my room. For some reason, the heat only goes on at night, least in my room anyway. I don’t mind it being cold so long as my nose doesn’t get cold. Then I need heat. But my feet are different. I need to put on thermals and I just don’t want to be bothered. Damn, heat is making a liar out of me as it just kicked on! Fucker. LOL Must have knew I was talking about it.

Sox won 2-1. 11 days till Opening Day. I cannot fricken wait!! Seems like forever since I last heard or watched a night game. The spring training has been meh. Nothing exciting except one catcher that has done really well. I don’t know who will be staying or going. I guess that will be happening sometime within the week.