Category Archives: depression

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.

what a week

What a week!

I am sorry I haven’t been writing as frequently as I have. I have just been so exhausted by the end of the day that I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep. I am not sure what is going on, if I am having another depressive episode or if the testosterone is plummeting my energy. I haven’t been eating, and if I do, it is only one meal a day. If I remember to eat, it maybe two. I just have no appetite but have not seen any weight loss. I usually don’t have significant weight loss during these low appetite days anyways.

I have been going to my appointments. Wednesday was therapy and it went okay. We didn’t talk much about anything. I just talked about anything I could think of to pass the time. It is hard when he doesn’t ask questions about how I am doing so I just pass things off like I am okay. I had to skip two appointments with him because of pain. My heel pain is plantar fasciitis. I saw a podiatrist on Monday as I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to give me a cortisone shot and I said no. Everything is cortisone, but I don’t believe in them. There hasn’t been good data on them helping so I don’t even know why they are still offered.

Thursday I had the pain program. OT wants me to work on using the Recognise app. It is to help train my brain to know my foot is there or something along those lines. I am just to do the basic and to do it a few times a day. I haven’t done it at all today because I was so busy. PT wore me out. She had me walk for six minutes and then I had to do squats with a chair for 20 seconds. My legs were killing me. Then she had me do some stretching exercises for my calf. That set off a flare last night. I was not happy. I didn’t do that shit today either. I thought I might be able to while baking (see below) but I didn’t have a chance as I was in so much pain with my heel. I think I might have to wear sneakers around the house rather than slippers.

Today my mother wanted me to do an errand for her. Then I had to go to the post office to mail something for a friend. The half and half that I just bought curdled in my coffee so I had to go to Stop and Shop to exchange it. While I was there, I bought a few things. I wanted pulled pork so I got that and my probiotic orange, pineapple, mango juice. It is so good! Expensive, but good. Also got my coffee and some more honey, which was on sale. I had just missed the bus so I had to wait.

I came home and then started baking. I wanted to make pumpkin cheesecake bars. Thing was a bitch. I honestly don’t know if they came out okay. The mixtures tasted good, so they probably did. I was just annoyed because it said to chill or freeze but didn’t give a time as to how fricken long it was supposed to do that. The directions were poorly written. I complained to Tasty as I got the recipe from them but haven’t gotten a response. Then the topping was a bitch. You had flour, brown sugar, and butter. And in the video, you just whipped it up. Yea okay. It wasn’t easy doing as it was in the video. I tried using the mixer and flour went all over the place. I was getting so annoyed. My pain levels were astronomical. I just wanted to get this thing done so I could nap. I melted the damn butter and then mixed it. Then I sort of separated it into smaller pieces but not small enough to cover the pan. I didn’t care. I thought it would melt. It didn’t. I took it out of the oven and then let it cool. Instructions said to let it refrigerate overnight so I will have it tomorrow. I hope it is good otherwise, it is going in the trash. I took a nap for about 4 hours. I was completely wiped out to the point of passing out. The TV downstairs was annoying the fuck out of me. I was in mega pain. I put the whisperer thing on and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I hear my mother was on the phone with my cousin so I put my phone on silent in case he called me after. He sometimes does this and it annoys the fuck out of me. He will call me to see how she is and then call her to see how I am, fucker. I really haven’t talked to him in over a month.

Monday I am going to leave a message for the repro endo doc about my energy levels because they suck. Every little thing I do just exhausts me and that is unlike me. If I was working, I would be toast the first 4 hours. I just can’t seem to do things like I used to and I am not sure if it is the testosterone or the depression. But then, the testosterone could be affecting my mood so, I don’t know. I thought it would give me some energy, not take it away.

My CRPS ankle is killing me right now. I guess the events of the day have finally caught up with it. It was hurting while I was baking but now the pain is worse. I wish there was something I could take for the heel pain. Nothing seems to help that. I have been taking ibuprofen and it helps a little bit. I watched a video last night about how to “cure” plantar fasciitis and it said to use a tennis ball, take magnesium supplements, and something else that I don’t remember but wasn’t going to do anyway. He was a naturalistic doc so was saying to eat better and shit. Okay. Every ailment has that prescription. I have the magnesium as I take that for my spasms. I will try anything to lessen the pain. I used the tennis ball today, it hurt but it did decrease the pain. I can’t use it in the kitchen as the crevices in the floor make the ball go all over the place. I had to use it in the living room while my mother watched TV on full blast. UGH. I hated that but it was the only room I could do it.

For the first time all week, I woke up from my nap rested. I haven’t been sleeping great at night. Seems every two hours I am awake. I don’t know why. I feel like I am sleeping like a baby waking up every few hours. I haven’t been taking my extra dose of Ativan so maybe that is why. I have been taking Neurontin and that causes me to feel sleepy within an hour. I posted the pic of what I baked today. Will let you know tomorrow how it came out.

Election Day 6 November 2018

Election Day 6 November 2018

I woke up early despite have only a few hours sleep. I had a two hour nap, stayed up until around 330 and then woke up at 0740. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took my morning meds early and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then made breakfast and coffee. I was exhausted. I told my mother and then she said I slept too much. I told her how did I sleep too much and explained what I just wrote. She just said oh. I said you don’t hear what I tell you. I was annoyed.

I went upstairs after putting some stuff away in the kitchen. I tried calling the guy the Alderman said to call for the election. I left him a message and then I called Pharmacy as my prescription was not ready yet. The script was there but they were having computer problems with it. It was a different manufacturer. I rolled my eyes. I told the tech that I wanted a flu shot as well. I know I am risking getting sick, but I have been using the T more and I don’t want the flu. I have been fortunate not to get it since 1993 and I would like to keep that record!

The guy called me back and said he had a few pick ups and then would call when he was close. I said okay. I got ready and then went downstairs. I asked my mother if she needed anything at Pharmacy and my mother said get the paper. I said they didn’t have anything she needed. She then got mad at me and told me to go vote for my “boyfriend”. I got mad and told her I don’t like boys. I like girls and walked away huffing and puffing. I was so flipping mad. I wouldn’t mind it so much but she always says she “knows me” when clearly she fucking doesn’t. Pisses me off.

I switched sneakers when I got downstairs. I put the Velcro kind of sneakers on rather than the laces. I was tired of lacing them up and then tripping on them. The Velcro fit better anyways. The guy came and went to the polls. I voted and then the guy brought me to Pharmacy. I got a few things while waiting for my prescription (apparently the flu needs a questionnaire and then written up like a script). I paid for my things and then waited for the pharmacist. I was lucky I got the pharmacist that I like. As I was leaving, the tech told me not to go to the other location as the people there are dodos and I said don’t worry, I won’t. I already knew they were bozos. I came home and realized I forgot to fill my fricken pain meds!! I will have to go back tomorrow.

I gave my mother her paper, and then she called me saying there were three things she wanted. I said well I guess you are getting them. She said I will as she can’t walk. I said nope, not going and I said bye then hung up. I am tired of her disrespecting me and not hearing me so until she does listen to me and respects me, I am not doing errands for her. Tough shit. I am taking a stand. I don’t care. I don’t think she is going to learn any other way. If I can walk to the pharmacy, she can too. She needs to do more than just stay at home. She got a new knee and it is time to try it out. Fuck. I doubt she got the knee just to stay at home to live on the couch!

I read Twitter for a bit. The Harry Potter accounts make me want to re-read the books again. I have so many books on my reading list. Only thing is, other than the John Grisham book, the rest is not fun. The Neil Gaiman book is really weird, though I am almost half way through it, but I haven’t touched it in a few months. Then I got White Fragility which is nice but mind blowing, and then Trail of Tears, which make me hate being a white person for what we did with the Indigenous People of North America. And I am not even too far into the book. I think I am only on the third chapter! I need a fun book and Harry is the answer, actually, he is always the answer! Maybe I will if I finish Camino Island, the John Grisham book.

I am really cold and tired so I am going to take a nap. I know it is going to suck and throw my sleep cycle further off but I got a total of like 5 hours sleep so I don’t care. I have therapy tomorrow and there is a lot to talk about.

finally home to relax

Finally home to relax

Today is CRPS day so that is why I have an orange ribbon in this post

I have been in more pain than my CRPS foot/ankle today. I tried getting a hold of my doctor to see what the hell the plan was other than “see a foot specialist.” I got tired of waiting so I called the doc I was going to see next week to see if I could see someone this week. There was an appointment open this afternoon so when my mother came home, I flew out the door. I missed the bus by 1 minute because I put my shoes on. I decided to go another way to the hospital. I got there with an hour to spare.

The doc was friendly and said I had plantar fasciitis as the tears were on the other side of my ankle where it didn’t hurt. WTF! I said are you kidding me?? He said yes and he drew it out. Then he was flexing my foot like crazy. If he did that with my CRPS foot, I would need to go to the emergency room for pain control! He said I had to stretch all day and ice the area. 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off. I have to grab one of the water bottles in the freezer and bring it up to my room. Then I will have to play the remember to bring it downstairs for another bottle game. I still have the reusable ice pack my PT gave me in my room. I brought it up here and been meaning to bring it back to the freezer but have not done so yet.

When I got out of the appointment, it was rush hour so I had to wait for the shuttle back to one hospital in Boston that would take me to the orange line. I had to wait for that one too as it wasn’t there. Then there was traffic around. The first train was packed so waited for the second. The bus was packed. I had to fight to get off the bus I was on. There was people coming on the bus as I am yelling I am coming off and then the bus driver closed the doors. Asshole. I was not happy. My mother mad dinner so I was happy. I feel bad I couldn’t do dishes. I just hurt too much to stand. I knew I was going to hurt after the appointment but fuck. I am just glad I don’t have to be in a brace or cast or something.

I totally forgot to go to the pharmacy on the way home. One of my prescriptions weren’t ready. I had to call to find out why. Stock hadn’t come in. I will try tomorrow after I vote. I was able to get a ride so I don’t need to use the Lyft program. I am glad because I don’t like giving my information out to these places. I just hope I am awake tomorrow by 11 am like I told the guy. My mother is supposedly going with my cousin and her sister, the lunatic. I am happy they are going but I don’t want to ride with them.

I had two chicken sandwiches as my mother made chicken cutlets for supper. I didn’t want anything else. Then my PCP’s nurse called and I updated her on things. I just wish there was something I could do for the pain. Hopefully the stretching helps because I don’t want a cortisone shot. I think they are just money makers and make things worse.

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

About suicide hotlines: My thoughts

some hotlines: Crisis text line 741741, National Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255, Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860, Trevor Project for LNGTQ 866-488-7386

After a 9 year old that came out as gay to his friend and then killed himself, there has been an increase in sending out the suicide hotline numbers. While I know that sending out and calling does help people, there are other that feel too hopeless and alone, maybe feeling ashamed, maybe feeling no one will understand, and therefore won’t reach out.

One thing that is often said in hindsight of a suicide is why? Why didn’t I see the signs? But knowing the signs are not enough. Often when confronted, people with suicidal thoughts or maybe even planning a suicide, will deny it. It is a sensitive issue. A private issue. I know when my best friend told me at the age of 11 to seek help, my response was “I am not crazy”. With stigma, it is hard to approach someone who is suicidal. Often, there is the thought, no way this person is thinking of suicide, not my child, friend, co-worker, etc. They may deny it and say they don’t because it is against their religion or maybe the person who asks, frightens their friend or family member for fear of being stopped or if they do say yes, the person who asks responds with “don’t do something stupid” or “I will kill you if you do this”, which further alienates the suffering person. I’ve had this experience from two different people. I’ve never understood this logic. I still don’t.

My point of all this is people who are depressed ad suicidal need to feel safe in order to talk openly about their feelings. Often calling a hotline takes a lot of effort to even pick up the phone or dial the number. It is so scary because they are afraid they will be turned away and that holds people back. Or maybe they have phone anxiety like me. The Crisis Text Line is super for those people. But it is still scary to admit they are having suicidal feelings. They don’t know what will happen when they call or text.

In this case of this little boy who apparently was bullied, I don’t know if he would have had access to a phone to reach out and seek help. We often think those under the age of 10 cannot think about suicide but the numbers are growing. I know when I was eight I started having suicidal thoughts and made my first attempt at age 10. I didn’t tell anyone about this besides my best friend. He was probably sick of me talking about it so told me to reach out and then I shut down. I stopped talking about it but the thoughts were still there. When I was 12 I did reach out to Samaritans. I talked to a nice British speaking lady. I was very scared to call. I never had another good experience calling a hotline again. I was often rushed off the phone once I mentioned that I was suicidal.