I am in a grumpy mood. I tried to get to sleep after I watched the Queen’s Gambit till 0230 but I couldn’t sleep. I was taking meds and melatonin and I was still up. I was kind of groggy and tried sleeping but then it was interrupted by pain. The pain was so bad it entered my dream which then woke me up. I felt like shit and still do.
I was going to take a nap after I had coffee but decided to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I still have to do my meds for the week. I am off the citalopram. I am not going to start the Pristiq just yet. I want to wait a little bit. I texted my therapist this so I am sure we will be talking about this tomorrow and I hope she doesn’t get into one of her higher than mighty speeches. I won’t listen to them. I am going to ask her if she is glad I exist. I have been feeling kind of like it will be better if I don’t exist lately.
My brother in law was supposed to put in the new AC I bought yesterday and never did. Today is raining so I don’t think he will. The AC has been sitting on my living room floor all month. Box is still closed. I am so frustrated. I wish I could do it myself but I have weight limits and the AC is over 15 lbs.
My leg is bothering me so I have been in a worse sour mood. I have been thinking of not existing. I am very depressed and anxious because I haven’t slept and it is leading to dark thoughts. I am struggling to write because I am so tired. I wanted to shower today but I don’t think that is going to happen. I can’t remember the last time I showered and I don’t really care. Because of Covid I can’t smell my BO anymore.
I’ve been watching the show Community all night. It was relaxing until pain hit and then I couldn’t sleep. I finally took a little nap in the afternoon when my med alarm went off at 1600. It was good to get a little rest. I feel better mentally. I was hungry so made myself a turkey and cheese sandwich and some white rice. I also made a pink lemonade drink. It was really good. I put habanero honey mustard on my sandwich and my mouth is burning. My nephew finds the really good stuff for habanero. I really like it.
My mother has been bugging me to bring down my laptop so she can look at some cabinets. I finally brought it down and decided to finish this blog in the process. Sox had a comeback win so that was good. They beat the Skanks and won the series. They have 61 wins right now. I am so happy for them. I will be even happier when Sale returns from the IL. He has been out due to having Tommy John surgery. That is a lot of recovery.
My mother blood pressure was low this morning when I took it and so my sister called an ambulance despite her being asymptomatic. We called an ambulance to check her out and all the numbers were better than my old cuff measured. Either something is wrong with the cuff or something is wrong with me. I feel bad just the same.
When I woke up this morning, I had to shit and couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. I shit my pants. It was a messy shit and I hated it. I am glad I went because I hadn’t gone all week and I was getting bloated pains.
I took a nap all afternoon. I am going to bed now. I just feel so damn tired. Until tomorrow…
I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.
My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.
I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.
I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.
I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.
I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.