shitty day times two

Shitty day times two

I am not having a good day. I texted my therapist but got no response. I didn’t think I would get one. I am feeling bad about myself because I crapped my pants, not once but twice today. The first was around 2 am. I had to pee and found that I had shit myself. What a damn surprise. I got cleaned up and then I couldn’t sleep because I was awake. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0500. I woke up to take my morning meds and crapped myself again. I was not happy. I went to the bathroom and crap poured out of me like water. I cleaned myself up again and then made coffee. The half and half curdled my coffee so I didn’t drink much of it. I tried but I couldn’t get past it. It tasted fine but I didn’t want to risk another stomach upset. Today was shit in a hand basket and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I decided to shave and shower. After that I was exhausted. My back was giving me fits. I took another muscle relaxer to help quite it down.

After waiting for the med to kick in, I decided to make something to eat. I made a turkey bacon sandwich. It was so good and hit the spot. Now I am really tired and need a nap. I am trying to fight it so that I can go to sleep early.

The cool weather has finally arrived and I love it. My mother is freezing and had to turn the heat on last night because she was cold. Luckily, the heat didn’t come on in my room for some reason. It might not have been turned up all the way. My radiator is finicky. It will either be freezing cold or burning hot. There is no in between. This winter is probably going to be colder than it has been because our summer was so hot. I just hope we don’t get snow. I don’t like snow. Freezing temps I am ok with.

I feel really bad about crapping myself today. I know it is a risk when I have loose stool. I just can’t hold it. I am just glad I didn’t empty my bowels in my pants. That would have been worse. This is the third time I have lost control of my bowels since my surgery. I don’t feel the stool at all, unless it is hard. And I can’t distinguish between air and stool when I get the urge to fart. The second crap was a shart I wasn’t aware of until after the fact. It still strikes a blow to my dignity. It is going to take some time to recover.

Sunday Blog 20092020

Sunday Blog 20092020

The only plans I have for today is to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fill my med boxes for the week. It is cool today so I will be wearing sweatpants and maybe a sweatshirt. I am not sure how cold it is out but it is cold in the house. Sometimes it is colder in the house than it is outside. I am hoping that is the case.

I finally made an appointment for the Ride to be picked up for my pain clinic appointment. I am seeing a new pain doctor. Why, I have no clue. I have no interest to see someone new but my pcp wants me to see someone so I am going. It is just a consult, nothing will change, I hope. I just hope they don’t need a urine sample. I will bring a catheter with me just in case but hope I don’t have to use it. I cannot pee on demand. I never could. I would be sitting on the toilet forever before I peed. I still have retention. My urge to go can be weak but I am able to void with some hesitation. If I don’t get that urge, forget about peeing. I got to remember the paperwork they sent me. I hope I don’t forget it. I am not sure if I am going to arrive on time or not. All depends on traffic.

It’s windy today so I don’t think I will wear a hat. Last thing I want to do is go chasing after it because the wind blew it off my head. Had that happen one too many times. The cold air is causing my back to cramp something awful. I am tempted to send a message to my surgeon to see what he recommends. I am taking tizanidine but I am still having cramps. I am taking it around the clock, too.

I don’t usually discuss politics on my blog but the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has my stomach turning in knots. I am worried for my country and the Supreme Court. The last thing we need is another predator like Kavanaugh on the bench. All of this depends on if the Senators decide to vote once the Orange Buffoon picks someone. They really shouldn’t because the senate majority leader set a precedent of not picking someone until there is a new president as this is an election year. There are like 45 days to election day. I think it will be too soon to pick someone. But knowing the scoundrels, I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pick someone. My heart will break because it was RBG’s dying wish to have a new president pick a replacement. I just hope the wish comes true.

I have four appointments this week. Tues, Wed, and Thurs I have two. Wed I say goodbye to my psychopharm NP. I saw the new psychiatrist last Thursday and it went okay. He seems like a nice guy but I don’t like that we are meeting every four weeks. I think I will be okay but if my suicidality increases, I am going to need more support. He said that I can send him a message via the patient website thingy if I need to communicate to him in between visits. I might send him one next week to increase the citalopram as 20 mg doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It takes a long time for this drug to work but I was hoping to see some difference by now. I have been on it for two weeks. I am going to give it another week before I contact him.

I have been reading two books on women and slavery. The first book is Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it is about women in the Civil War and how they fought. It focuses on the laws of how to deal with the treason and such. It is interesting but it keeps going back forth with the law and says the creator of the law one too many times.

The second book I am reading is called Medical Bondage by Diedre Cooper Owens. It is about the way American gynecology had its beginning, with enslaved women. It is pretty sad because their doctors who were just learning the skills often ended up killing the women they were supposed to heal. These women often were not named but were written about in medical journals of the time before the American Medical Association came to be in 1847. Before this organization was established there was hardly any ethics involved in treating enslaved women. It was do whatever they want often without their consent or if the woman said no the treatment was done anyways against her wishes because her owner said yes to the procedure. This was all done to ensure the reproductive organs of these women were viable so that more children could be born. The book is short so I probably will finish it before the Women’s War book.

Keep writing

Keep writing

Towards the end of my session today with my therapist, her computer shut down on its own. I thought it was funny. She wasn’t amused and asked if I wanted to see her on Monday. I told her I was okay and that seeing her Thursday would be fine. In the text message she said to keep writing. So that is what I am doing. Seems like it is the only thing I do to cope with stuff. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, me writing every day or every other day. I have huge writing problems at times where I write continuously for a period and then stop for a couple of hours. I hate that. I can’t seem to write in one continuous stream like I used to.

I’ve been tired all day. We talked about being tired and she thinks it is because I am recovering more than being depressed. Tomorrow I want to go to the grocery store as I need coffee. I have an appointment with the new psychiatrist and then I will go. I just hope I sleep ok. The appointment is in the morning and I hate morning appointments. I do better with early afternoon to late afternoon.

My back has been in cramp mode since around the time therapy started. I haven’t been able to calm it down. I take my night meds soon so hopefully the Ativan will help. I also took some extra magnesium. If anything it will help the bowels. I had my T shot today. It didn’t go well. I hit a vein again so there was a lot of blood coming out of me. I am not used to it and it freaks me out, even though I used to work with blood. It is just different when it is your own.

I wrote an email to a friend. I haven’t been in touch with her since last week when she sent me a get well card. It was nice of her to send it to me. I still have to get a venti on her, as she puts it. I have to somehow manage to get there one of these days. I wish I could sit at Starbucks and drink my drink but there still is no seating available. I miss writing there. It was a good way to spend a couple hours out of the house.

My bladder has been funny all day. I have the urge to pee but I don’t go right away when I am on the toilet. It takes about two minutes to void. Then it stops and go until I really press on my bladder to make sure it is somewhat empty. I don’t want to cath but I might one of these days to makes sure it is empty. Last thing I need is an infection because of old urine being stored. I don’t have the urodynamic testing until Dec. I tried to get it sooner but they don’t have any times. My urologist is okay with this. I am okay with it then too.

in a grumpy mood today

In a grumpy mood today

I am not feeling well today. I feel tired and my back has been spazzing up a storm all day, probably because of the hurricanes that are passing through the east coast. Either way, I am not feeling good. I made breakfast and it hurt. I could barely clean up afterwards. Luckily my sister cleaned up for me as she wanted to cook something and needed the space. I put my stuff away and then went up to my room to relax a bit. My sister made nachos so when they were done, I went back downstairs to have them. They were so good! I really liked it.

I shaved and showered today which took some energy from me. I felt tired and my back was cramping. I went up stairs to relax and I took a nap. I had taken some medicine to stop the cramping and it makes me tired so I slept. Then my sister’s loud mouth woke me up a couple of hours later. I didn’t like this. My mother called me saying she wanted to talk to me and I had to get up to pee so I talked to her. I told her I was tired. Things that shouldn’t tire me out tire me out. I have no energy for things. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I couldn’t because I showered. Maybe tomorrow I will go before my therapy appointment.

I should write down stuff I want to talk about tomorrow for therapy so I have something to talk about. I just don’t know what to talk about. I hate this. I hate when I can’t think of something to say and the therapist doesn’t ask questions about things either. I hate that. Yesterday I had a dream that I almost slept through the appointment. I woke up at the time I was supposed to meet so I was scrambling to get on the laptop.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I might give it tonight if I am up around midnight. If not it will be in the morning I will give myself the shot. I might post some before and after pics later. I haven’t done that in a long time, mostly because there hasn’t been much change going on. I still don’t have a full beard. And I don’t have enough of a connection to have a goatee in place.

The weather has cooled off. I am grateful it has. I love the cooler weather. I can’t believe how tired I have been the past few days. All I have been doing is laying down and sleeping. I might wake up during the middle of the night to pee and then stay up for an hour or two because I can’t go back to sleep right away. That stinks because it throws me off and makes me more tired during the day. I had coffee today and then I took a nap. Then I showered and my sister made nachos and then I napped again. I know I am still recovering from surgery but damn, the feeling of being tired has to stop. I am tired of being tired. I am three weeks post op. Tomorrow I need to empty my recycling. It is getting full. I should dump my trash as well. I still need to break down the Amazon boxes that are in my room. I have a lot. I don’t know how they accumulated.

I got to lay down again. Back is acting up. UGH I can’t even blog for more than a half hour now. This sucks!