Category: depression

No sleep again last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up around 2am and didn’t fall back to sleep. I had to get up at 8 so I didn’t want to fall asleep so got up around 7. Had my 1st cup of coffee. Did the business with my sisters and then went to bed as I was starting to feel dizzy from lack of sleep. I ordered my groceries and stuff and laid down. Stupid phone kept going off so I couldn’t really rest. Then when I did doze off my phone rang. Ugh. I got up.

I had more coffee. Don’t know what happened to my mug so got another favorite out of the cabinet. Then I ordered pupusas from my favorite Spanish restaurant. I got some for my niece too as she loves them.

Game is on late again tonight. They lost the last two games. I am not happy. But the crummy pitcher is now been moved to the bullpen. Thank God he is out of the rotation. He sucks.

It’s nice today with Temps in the 70s. It was cold this morning when I left the house. I might go out Fri to return the library book I borrowed. I know Sat I booked a time with my barber. I think it is at 1130 but I don’t remember. It’s the holiday weekend. Anniversary of my uncle’s passing is next week. Can’t believe it has been a year already. He is buried next to my mother. I miss her so much. Yesterday I was feeling so down. Today it is a little better. Just wish I wasn’t so damn tired.

exhausting day 23052023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Exhausting day

I woke up again in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep till after dawn. I woke up sometime around 9ish and I stayed awake but in bed till 1130 or so. I had no half and half so coffee wasn’t a reason for me to get up. I never made it to the store yesterday. I did get up and used my sister’s creamer, which was gross. I only drank half of my cup. I cleared the sink and loaded the dishwasher with some stuff. I kept on having to sit down. I needed a shower and I wanted to shave myself as it has been a while. But I just couldn’t get the fricken energy. Then when I did, my niece said she was going to shower. Ugh.

I waited my turn. I then went into the bathroom and groomed myself. I forgot to trim my beard so I will do that tomorrow. I showered and I found while shaving my armpits that because of scar tissue, I can’t raise my arm up all the way. I hope it goes away in time.

I had to rest after I showered. I just wore a towel around me so I just put on the bare minimum when I was in my room. I wanted to go to the store so I can make a decent cup of coffee. I checked the schedule and the bus was on its way in a few minutes so I wasn’t going to make that one but I could make the one that would in fifteen minutes. I got dressed and grabbed a reusable bag. As I walked to the bus stop, my ankles were hurting and my calves were cramping. Not a good sign as I needed to walk about the same distance from the bus stop where the store was and back. I sat for only a few minutes on the bus before my stop came up. It is a short distance by bus but walking is much longer. I used to be able to walk the distance but no more. I went to the store and I was already tired. Soon as I walked in I knew I was in trouble as what I needed was at the other end of the store and in the back. I grabbed a bottle of water as I was thirsty and headed to where the half and half. Because of Covid, the store had taken out the benches for sitting. I had to walk to the bus stop and sat for a little bit before the next bus came. I also grabbed a new Gatorade thing with electrolytes in it. I drank it as I walked to the bus stop.

I came home and was completely spent. I put away the half and half and then went up to my room to rest. I laid down but didn’t sleep. I was soaked with sweat and I know I am going to have to shower again tomorrow. I got hungry and made dinner and a cup of coffee. I needed some caffeine badly. I was used to at least two cups of coffee and I only had half so far.

Tomorrow I need to go to the insurance place to sign some stuff for the house. I got to order my groceries and place an Amazon order. I don’t have much going on this week. I had therapy yesterday. It went ok. Game isn’t on till late. I probably will be asleep before it starts. I am really tired.

paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder

Paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

I am having a hard time sleeping. I am listening to Taylor to try and ease my heavy heart. Grief is hitting me hard. I am remembering stuff with my mother, mostly stuff from when I was little. The parties we used to have where we would have leftover chips and cake. It made a good breakfast while my mother was sleeping. She didn’t want us to eat that stuff but we did anyway. My mother was the one we did stuff with. My father never really had time for us because he was so selfish and narcissistic. My mother took us to church and to school. She also came to events at the school where we participated in. She didn’t come to my basketball games when I played my freshman year. It was not a good game usually as I sucked. Plus no one really gave me the ball to shoot it. I was bad at trying to take a shot under pressure. But I could do a layup pretty well.

I also remember the abuse my mother did to me. It happened when I was little and while I was in puberty. She saw changes and kept looking at me every time I showered or bathed. Even while I was an adult, living with her, I couldn’t be naked around her because she would look at my body. I felt so much shame and I think that is why I have a little of body dysmorphia. I hate the way my body is. I don’t like that I am overweight. Now that I don’t have breasts, I can clearly see my stomach that is huge and it bothers me. I am trying to lose weight. I haven’t the first clue how to actually do it. I am not a person that can eat salads and stuff like that. I am a meat eater. I will eat chicken and potatoes. I love making a chicken breast and roasting it. But getting back to the abuse, I was always criticized when I tried to go on a diet. My mother would not approve of it and be very snarky about it. My father called me fat and ugly all my life. It was very hard to lose weight when I felt like I had to live up my father calling me fat all the time. Every time we had dinner and I would fill my plate, he would say something about it. He was not a nice man.

So I had my parents give me an idea of what my body should or shouldn’t look like. I know I need to lose weight. But I don’t know how really. I have tried drinking Ensure during the days and then at night but I feel hungry. I need to have something solid in my stomach. I will usually have a turkey sandwich or just eat turkey breast or chicken breast and that will be my protein for the day. Sometimes I will make an egg. If I get up early later today I will try and make an egg sandwich.

I love how my chest is. I am still getting used to it as I really can’t believe the breasts are gone. I love it so much. I no longer have to wear baggy shirts to hide my chest. I can’t wait for the warmer weather so I can wear tank tops without worrying about whether my boobs are gonna show.

I feel sad about my mother’s passing. I feel like there should have been more time that she could have spent with us. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I feel cheated because my sisters had my mother at their birthdays and I didn’t. I got a phone call while she was in the hospital. A voicemail message, actually two of them. Then I didn’t get her card until two weeks after my birthday. I got no party with her. My sisters and nieces celebrated with me at the restaurant but it was so hard without my mother there on my birthday. I am upset about it. I never said anything about it before because I thought there would be another birthday with her. I was wrong. Cancer took her before we were ready to say goodbye to her. I am angry about this. I am sad and hurt, too. I got all these feelings rolled into one. I don’t know why the cancer showed up now. I knew it would eventually. She smoked a lot and I knew she caused damage to herself. I just wanted to have one more birthday with her. Now it is never going to happen.

I don’t know if I should stay up or go back to sleep. It’s almost 5am. It is usually the time I go back to sleep. The birds are chirping away, being annoying. They are cardinals. I think one of the is my father because he would be a pain in the ass in the morning especially if you didn’t answer his call right away. I am hungry and am thinking of making an egg sandwich. Haven’t decided if I want turkey or regular bacon in it. I have maple bacon that I haven’t opened yet. I love the smell of bacon. So good. My mother would make extra bacon when she made it. It was always too crispy for me and usually cold. I like eating the fat off the bacon. It is so good. I know it isn’t healthy but oh well. I don’t have it often. I usually like turkey bacon better than regular bacon. Less mess and easier clean up. I’ve been having turkey bacon with my burger that I make. It comes out so good. I love it.

My sister bought coffee creamer which is ok but it is sweet. I have to remember not to put sugar in the cup when I make my coffee. I am thinking of going downstairs to make something to eat and to have coffee.

I have decided that my trans memoir book is going to be in comic sans font. I find it more personal that way, though I keep going back to typewriter font, which I think is times new roman. I am not sure though. I don’t know. I need to write more about it and see what I have written so I don’t repeat myself. I will need to get an editor for the book. But I will worry about that when I have at least a hundred pages written. I want to have at least 200 pages with also resources for trans like the lifeline and other stuff. I think it will be important.