tough night falling asleep

Tough night falling asleep

I just wrote a couple of pages in my journal and felt the need to blog. I didn’t feel like writing my feelings in there even though it is more private. My sister (bitch) hasn’t answered the text I sent her on whether she mentalizes or she just thinks about herself. I know the answer to the question.

One of the therapists that I talk to on Twitter (not professionally in anyway), is going to try and help me understand CBT and Beck’s suicide mode. It came up in BATA (building a therapeutic alliance) where I just swore the language became Greek as I was trying to understand what they were saying. It didn’t help that they didn’t define suicide mode to begin with. It was like it was implied. I fucking hate that. Nearly every CBT book that I have read IMPLIES something like you are supposed to know this. Pisses me off. I hope she can help me because I think this is where I am “stuck” in therapy with my therapist.

It is almost my peeing hour. It has been a few hours since I last emptied my bladder. I should empty it because I don’t feel anything and that is never a good thing. I swear part of the reason I can’t sleep is because I don’t want my bladder to be overfull during the night and so I wake up to empty it several times to ease the anxiety despite it causing me sleep disruptions and weird dreams. I’ve also been alternating between water and Gatorade so my bladder is probably close to full by now…

I have therapy tomorrow. I have tried to write out my feelings and have failed. I have mostly slept throughout the day most of the time. I also have been writing blogs and reading about suicide prevention treatments. The seminar that I went to last week was really good. I learned a lot. There is a new article that Dr. Pompili wrote that I really want. I am trying to see if the library can send it to me for free but I haven’t heard back. I think I am going to have to call, which sucks. I hate making phone calls. I had put in a request online but I haven’t heard back and both time I submitted it gave me an email error. Ugh. This isn’t going to be easy. I am ready to just say fuck it and pay the $40 for it. I am dying to know what measures they used for mental pain.

I wrote this at 6/26 240ish in the morning. It is the last thing that I can clearly remember from yesterday. I got the article. Haven’t read it yet (least I don’t think so). They used OMMP which is from the Israel psychologist or psychiatrist Orbach and Mikulincer Mental pain scale. I have read about this scale since it came out back in 2003. They also used a physical and psychological pain scale that I am not familiar with so I don’t have information about it. It is exciting to see the OMMP scale being used. Maybe now there can be some validity and widespread use (crosses fingers).

I had two cups of coffee today and I still feel tired. I had therapy today. We talked more about how our definition of validation is different. I am glad she acknowledged that. She said she cannot accept my suicidal plans or death wishes but can understand where they are coming from. That is a win as far as I am concerned. I am going to look up the validation in the BATA book because it defines it so eloquently.

I have no idea what I did with my laptop yesterday or last night. I know I was watching a video and I didn’t turn it off before closing the lid as it was still playing despite the lid being shut. When I went to turn on the laptop before therapy, it wouldn’t start. I had to press the power button several times before it started itself. I also remember waking up to pee around 2230/2240. After I pee, I went to take my meds as I hadn’t done so yet. My med boxes were empty so I didn’t fill them. I don’t know why I didn’t do this so I did so nearly half asleep. The only meds I am out of is my vitamin D which hasn’t come in yet. I just placed the order when I got paid last week.

I hope whatever my bitch sister is doing in the kitchen is done by the time my food arrives. I don’t want to listen to her stupid music.

so appreciated in my house

So appreciated at my house…not

My sister has this obsession with my door being closed and I don’t like it. Not one bit. So I have been moving my niece’s furniture and blocking her door. Today she barges into my room to call me an idiot, asshole, bitch. How is your day going?

I got some much needed sleep last night around the 8th inning of the ballgame. There is something about listening to Joe Costig that always calms me down. Sox were leading 5-2 in the 8th and won 6-3. I wasn’t up for that part of the game. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up till the game was over. I had to pee but I didn’t stay up too long. I was so tired.

I woke up early today beginning at 0400. Then I was up nearly every hour. I took my morning meds around 0630 to shut of the alarm. I didn’t have my glasses on and turned off the wrong alarm. I turned on the cath alarm so I would be up around 0930 to have breakfast. I had a bowl of cereal and then made coffee but my sister made me so damn nervous, I left the coffee downstairs. After she swore at me, we haven’t spoken a word since. I sent her a text asking her if she mentalizes or does she just think about herself? But never got a response. She probably has me blocked.

I had texted my barber last night because I lost the website for his booking thing. I was contemplating getting my haircut or growing it out. I was liking the curls in the back of my head. All gone now. I got a two all around rather than a 0. I still look bald in front but it isn’t as noticeable. Now I have to shower again. Just as well as I am all sweaty. After the haircut I went to Starbucks for something to eat and get my mocha. I saved the lemon loaf for tomorrow and I hope no one fucking eats it. I finished the chapter I was reading in BATA and then tried to read the next one which dealt with CBT. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this therapy but soon as I try and get into it, the language changes to Greek and I can’t understand a word of it. I started to take notes so I could bring it to my therapist when I realized I have no idea what the hell they are saying. They talked about suicide mode but didn’t define it, which was frustrating. Then they went to Beck’s work and I got totally lost. I couldn’t focus anymore.

I had passed some gas and then it was getting uncomfortable. I didn’t know if I was going to shit or pass gas so I just packed up my stuff and caught the bus home. I came home just in time to release my bowels for the second time today. Fun. Luckily I didn’t soil myself. I was sweating and needed to cool off so when I was finished with the bathroom, I went up to my room to cool off.

another insomnia night

Another insomnia night

I woke up around 2 to pee and that was it. I was up for the night. It is not around 0530 and I am having coffee and just had breakfast of oatmeal. It was good. Bitch sister did something with the pyrex cup that I use to measure the water for the oatmeal. God only knows what she did with it.

We got into another argument last night. I was sick of her closing my door so I moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an immature asshole. Then she barged into my room yelling at me to clean my room. My mother was wondering what was going on so she said that “her daughter needs to clean her room”. I fucking lost it at that point. I exchanged a few more fuck you’s and then the argument was over for now. I am mad as fucking hell. I would love to pound her face in with my fists.

I thought about getting my haircut but I kind of like having my hair long. I think I am going to wait another three months and decide what to do. I will save my cash for this. I still am behind on so many of my bills. I am such an idiot for getting so many cards.

I wish I could take an Amtrak train and just ride somewhere else and stay there forever. But rents are so damn expensive, unless you are in the middle of nowhere. Right now, the middle of nowhere sounds pretty nice. I just wish I had a car, but with the price of gas, I might not get too far.

A few things that bother me since my sister (the bitch) moved in. I love my office so my nephew could sleep there. All my things are now in the basement. One of the bookcases I had, is now a shoe holder for my sister in the front hallway. My bookcase that was in my hallway where my bedroom was is now my nephew’s. The books are in a clear container that I bought to put my clothes in. The clothes are now in my closet. Where my bookcase was, now my niece has her things there. The only place I am allow to put my fucking things are my room. They cannot be outside my room for any reason. I had a hamper of my books and notebooks in the hall while waiting for my brother in law to put in the AC. My sister (bitch) threatened to put it in the basement if I didn’t move it back to my room. It was neatly packed, not messy. But the bitch thinks she owns the fucking house so has to have her things every where, and I mean everyfucking where. She has now place things on the way on the front stairway. Has put things on the shelf on the stairs. And the god fucking sucking stupid air fresheners are in the outlets. And people wonder why I am in my room all the time. I feel I am not allow any where else because I can’t have my things there so why bother. But it is ok for my niece and sister (bitch) to have their paint shit on the kitchen table all the fucking time. It is okay for bitch’s kids to leave their pots and pans and dishes in the sink. It ok for the bitch to do so as well. But if I did that, I would be yelled at till the cows came home. I am so sick of it. Then my mother bitches because she does clean the sink every morning and night. It isn’t fair when there are three abled adults here.

So I get treated like a child and stay in my room to avoid the volatile bitch. I feel like going out but I just had lunch and my mother’s sugar is low. I am the only one in the house so I can’t fucking leave. She just had lunch and sugar and water so hopefully it will come up soon. I am so fucking mad at the bitch as she closed my door again. I thought the fight last night had settled things. Guess not. I did the same thing as I did last night, moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an “immature asshole”. I don’t give a fuck. She is the one that is immature and selfish. The whole time she was downstairs I was on edge. She sets off my PTSD whenever she is around. I fucking hate her.

Three weeks before I see the surgeon for top surgery consult. I am nervous as fuck. I am worried with the state of affairs in the US, the GOP might pull health care for transpeople. I will be so screwed. I am also worried that he will say something about my weight and then I will zone out not listen to the rest of the conversation. I ordered some protein shakes but you got to mix it with something. I don’t have any almond milk. I wanted to go out and get it but I can’t until my mother’s sugar stabilizes.