chugging along

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to chugging along

  1. G. Collerone says:

    thanks. It’s 5 am here and I woke up in pain again. It’s not as bad so I think I will be able to go back to sleep, I hope.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    i’m glad you had a good psych apt. i hope you have a restful weekend with little to no pain. xxx

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