Tag: depression

Headaches are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, gender dysphoria

When I was in the psych hosp in mid-October, I started getting sharp headaches in the middle of the night. They were so bad, I thought my brain was splitting in two. After about 15 mins they would go away. I thought they were migraine activity so I took migraine meds for them but it didn’t help. This morning, I woke up with the same headache. The initial pain went away but now there is this ache around my head.

It’s 6am. I had to go pee as my headache woke me up. I am staying up because why not. I am listening to Taylor’s version of Fearless. One of my favorite albums. I am listening via ear buds as I don’t want to wake up anyone. I am debating on making coffee.

Last night, I got really upset, mostly at myself. I gave my mother dinner and she went to the fridge by herself. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t watch her. Then as she leaves the kitchen she asks if she took her insulin. Fuck. I don’t know if she took it while she was at the fridge or not. My middle sister reprimanded me when she found out, saying I have to watch her all the time. Uh, sorry I don’t have eyes in the back of my head! I go upstairs kicking myself for not being aware. Then my baby sister calls me and tells me it is important to watch her. WTF. I hung up on her saying I am not going to be reprimanded by the two of you. I already felt bad. I know it is important my mother takes her insulin. I am not an idiot. I am getting burned out taking care of her all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in my room and do nothing but read my book and maybe write. I was able to read my book but I really didn’t write like I wanted to. I had gotten so fed up I wanted to go for a walk but I did curls with weights instead. That helped.

I have therapy today. Definitely going to talk about this, the burnout not so much the incident with the insulin. I care for my mother but at the same time I want to get away from her. Her not respecting my pronouns is one part of it. Just bothers me so much. This weekend I’ve been really sensitive as the gender dysphoria has been in high gear.

Today I’m going to try to just drink Ensure in an effort to lose some weight. I’ve gained five pounds because I haven’t been watching what I eat. Eating a whole pizza didn’t help matters. I want to lose at least fifteen pounds before my surgery. I have to start putting a serious effort into this. It is so hard for me to diet because soon as I say the word, I hit the bad foods. I hate dieting but if I want to lose weight, I have to do something.

I wasn’t sure I was going to have therapy today because my mother was having pain upon breathing and needed oxygen. She was having pain all over and rated it as a 20. Thankfully some ibuprofen calmed things down. I had therapy but told my therapist I needed to have the phone near me in case my niece texted she needed me. We talked about the care my mother needs and again about her misgendering me and not accepting me as a male. I am really trying to not let it get to me but when I have gender dysphoria like I’ve had the past few days, it is harder to let things go.

My sister told my mother if she wasn’t feeling that good that she should go to the hospital and my mother “magically” felt better. She ate lunch and was moaning a little bit but not as bad as the morning. I was glad she was feeling better even though she was still on oxygen. I made some chicken breasts for my lunch and for my mother so she could have chicken salad if she wants tomorrow.

My leg is hurting me for some reason. It keeps cramping when I lie down. Been trying to stretch it out. I just took some more Robaxin for some relief as my chest muscles hurt as well. I am so fucking tired. The added stress of this morning didn’t help matters. Hope I can rest tonight and read a chapter of the cognitive therapy book. Got to keep my intellectual brain working.

Tiring day at PT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, disability

I went to bed too early last night. I got your around 1130p to pee and then had a hard time falling back to sleep. I read the rest of my book. It helped to settle me down some. I drank a lot of poweade so I ended up having to pee again around 3am. It was difficult to go back to sleep.

I woke up with my med alarm. I shut it off and went to sleep for a few hours. I forgot about my grocery delivery. I am glad it came in the afternoon and not the morning or I would have missed it. I took a shower before it came. It tired me out but I had the perfect hot water temp so it was soothing.

I made some boiled eggs for lunch. I didn’t know what else to make. I had three cups of coffee. I was hyper when I left for PT. The bus was a little late, so I was literally on time for my appt. We did some work on the machines with increasing resistance. It killed my legs. Then she had me on a rolling chair to do some more leg work. My calves were killing me. Legs feel so sore right now.

I came home and made a spicy bean burger for dinner. My niece gave me one of her papusas which was really good.

My mother didn’t have a good day. She was tired and in pain. We had the appt with the medical oncologist, and it didn’t go very well. My aunt misinterpreted what he said and got really upset. She was yelling at my mother to get more care, and my mother ignored her. I think my mother has given up, and it has been hard to see. She just doesn’t care. She will do things if she is up to it. Otherwise, it is up to one of us to help her do things. We are seeking an opinion from radiation oncology, but the med oncologist said they only do things if you have symptoms and my mother doesn’t at the present time. It has been a hard day for me. I’ve been really sad and alternating with caring and not caring. I’ve never gotten along with my mother and I don’t think we ever will.

I almost wrote something in my book last night, but when I wrote it in the journal, it was only a paragraph, so I nixed the idea. I really am struggling to write this book.

Sunday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache

Sunday musings

I am still reading Linehan’s memoir. I am learning more about DBT this second go round than I did the first time I read it. I seem to be more accepting of DBT as I am realizing that there is evidence DBT works with highly suicidal individuals. The trouble is, it take a lot of work as there is so much to learn. The two takeaways I am getting from this second reading is the two skills radical acceptance and STOP. STOP stands for stop, take a step back, observe, proceed carefully. I am finding I need to practice this skill as otherwise I get angry and nothing gets accomplished. I also need to radically accept that I have depression and trauma issues.

I woke up late this morning. I didn’t get up till after 12. I kept getting severe headaches, like migraines. They would go away if I just stayed still. It happened three times after my alarm went off to take my morning meds. I thought I would have to take a migraine medication to get rid of it but it seems to have gone away on its own. I had started getting these kinds of headaches while in the hospital. I thought they had gone away but the last two nights they have come back.

My cousin texted me this morning saying that Ohio State has made it to the playoffs and they are playing Georgia. That is going to be a tough matchup. Georgia just won yesterday. They killed LSU by a big number. This is what I love about college football games, they score big numbers.

I am thinking about mailing out a card that I wrote out and then getting pizza for my late lunch/early dinner. Problem is that I have no energy to get moving and I know if I force myself to do it, I will have to take a lot of breaks to go around the block. I found my sunglasses but I still am unable to find my transition glasses. I have no idea where they went to. I know if I find the case, I will find them. I hate when I misplace things. It drives me crazy.

I miss baseball. It doesn’t look like the Sox are going to sign Xander Bogaerts. I just hope he doesn’t end up on the Yankees. I still don’t know if JBJ is still with the team. I watched a baseball game while I was in the hospital and he was playing for the Blue Jays. I don’t know if this is true or not. I will be sad if it is. I have no clue how the season ended because I was so sick in the hospital.

Yesterday, I listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. Today I am listening to Rob Thomas’s Someday on repeat. I love this song so much.

I am feeling suicidal. Nothing really happened in the last half hour or so. I just feel like ending my life. I see no good in it. I have imagined how I would do it two different ways. I won’t act on it, though I do want to. I just don’t want to end up back in the hospital. There is no guarantee I will end up back on the same unit I was in. I could end up somewhere else. That keeps me from going to the ER. I know I spent a few days in the psych ER before I was transferred to the unit I was in. I don’t know how long I was there as I wasn’t myself. I was in a confused state. I don’t remember if I had my phone or not. If I did, I know I wasn’t using it. I was much too paranoid about it. I am working through the feelings of distress I am feeling. I am distracting myself by writing about them. I have therapy tomorrow and will tell my therapist about this. I want to die so bad that it is almost like nothing else matters to me, not even top surgery. I have hit a new low in my life. I try to keep telling myself life will be different when I have the surgery but will it? I thought about going back to college while in the hospital after I recovered from surgery. It seems impossible right now but I want to make an effort in the next couple of years to earning my degree. I want to finish it at UMass Boston. Trying to make goals helps defend against the darkness, least for a little while.

I am feeling worthless right now. My psychache is high. I am a little perturbed and my press is at least a three. I spoke how I wrote the book Darkness Always Wins while I was in the hospital. I was and still am in a dark place. I don’t know if I am going to recover from this episode of depression. Meds have made little improvement to how I feel. I know realistically, it could be a year or more before I recover. It is the way recurrent depression is. I don’t buy that I have bipolar disorder. My depressions are too dark and stay dark for periods that are much more similar to major depression. I really think I am misdiagnosed. Fortunately, the treatment is the same: antidepressant therapy. I need to take an antipsychotic because I am prone to hearing voices otherwise. I have done well with Latuda, though it is causing some dystonia for me.

I just read a blog that I wrote a more than a few years ago about Shneidman’s psychache theory. I was trying to think about it while in the hospital. I remembered the three P’s, press, perturbation, and psychache. A 5-5-5 indicates imminent suicide. I was a 5-5-5 in the hospital at times. I tried to remember the psychache scale by Ronald Holden. I couldn’t remember his name or if I had it on my blog for staff to look up. My memory has been so much affected by what I have been through.

I had dinner with my family tonight. It helped a little being around them but at one point I wanted to tell my sister I needed to go back to the hospital. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her though so I kept quiet. I will talk more about this with my therapist tomorrow morning. I really feel like shit. It is like the song going down in flames, “Falling into this, again.”

feeling the way I do…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Feeling the way I do…

I had a busy morning. I woke up later than I wanted to so I didn’t go to the pharmacy early to pick up my meds. I had just enough time to make a cup of coffee then catch the bus to the train station for my appointment with my pcp. I was nervous as the first two times I saw her I was in a catatonic state. It went well. I met the nurse I have been conversing with via the patient website messages. I had met her while I was catatonic but didn’t remember her name. I also met the new medical assistant in the clinic. It was surreal as they remember when I was sick and not in the right mind. My pcp changed my blood pressure medication and I hope I don’t go into tachycardia because I am coming off the medication I had overdosed on. I am okay with this but am worried my blood pressure is going to be high the next few days as I adjust to the new medication. We also talked about top surgery and she will be contacting the surgeon’s office to move up the appointment once my blood pressure is better controlled. The last thing we discussed was going to PT to get reconditioned again as I am so out of shape. I get so easily out of breath and fatigued. I had to come home after the appointment because I am tired. I am going to take the Uber to the pharmacy that is a few towns over as I don’t think I can take public transportation right now. I am so fatigued.

I had Starbucks. I ordered my mocha and a sandwich for lunch. I didn’t make breakfast this morning because I was pressed for time. It took me forever to walk the couple of blocks back to the station. The escalator was out of service at the station so I had to take the elevator to the platform. I was so tired but I had to go to the pharmacy to get my new meds. I still have to go to the other pharmacy to get my psych meds. This will be the last time going there as I am switching to the pharmacy in the Square so it is more convenient for me and I can go to Starbucks after or before to get my caffeine fix.

It was weird walking around the hospital where I was hospitalized for two months. They had construction going on in front of the building I had to go to. They had knocked down the school that was there for at least 100 years. The whole block was blocked off and detoured. I had to walk further than I wanted to because of this. I had to get my glasses adjusted after the pcp appointment. I just felt like it took forever to get where I was going. I kept having to stop to catch my breath. I hope PT helps me and I see the PT I used to work with. I have a good relationship with her.

My baby sister called me. She is going to have her husband pick up my meds as he will be in the town it is in. I don’t have to go out again. I am so relieved. I don’t have to go out tomorrow. I just have three things to do: see the visiting nurse and my therapist and take my T shot. I also need to take my blood pressure. I need to record the readings for the next week or so for my pcp. She is monitoring me closely.

I have no idea what I want to have for dinner. I didn’t order more frozen dinners with my latest grocery order. I kind of forgot to. I just ordered deli meat and American cheese. I might make an egg and cheese burrito. It has been a very long time since I had that as a meal.

I am so fricken tired. I hope I sleep tonight. I have had bouts of insomnia since coming home from the hospital because I don’t have anything I can take for anxiety. I need to ask my psychiatrist on Thursday for some Ativan as I don’t have it. I hope he will give it to me. It really helps me.