depressed and in pain today

Depressed and in pain today

I feel really down because I am in pain today. I woke up around 0400 with my left shoulder hurting me. No matter how I moved it, it hurt. I have no idea what I did. I have been waking up with shoulder pain the past week. It goes away when I wake up so that is good. But it still depresses me that I wake up in pain every morning.

I had a good bowel movement today that ended up causing nerve pain. My ass is killing me. I hope the pain settles down on its own and I don’t need to take more Neurontin. I took some last night to help me get back to sleep. I am still feeling sleepy from it. I might take a nap. I just had coffee and pumpkin pie. Yesterday all I drank was a half a glass of wine and a cup of coffee. I didn’t have anything else to drink so today I am going to drink at least two Gatorade bottles.

I got to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. One prescription isn’t ready yet. When it is, I will go. It should be done soon, I hope. I had a good day yesterday. I didn’t eat too much but I had plenty. I had my pumpkin pie for dessert. It had too much spice in it. I was worried because I am allergic to ginger and I know that they sometimes use that in the pie. I didn’t react so that was good. I took my night meds early and was asleep by 2200. I was going to watch the new Taylor Swift documentary on Disney Plus but I wasn’t in the mood. I might watch it over the weekend.

I am so excited because tonight I get to see my favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter! She is doing a virtual show and I got tickets as an early birthday present to me. I am listening to her new album. She will be playing new songs from it and maybe some old. I don’t know. I know that it isn’t long, she said so in her #songsfromhome videos. The format is going to be similar. Instead of her kitchen, her venue will be the beautiful Wolf Trap. I was supposed to see her at that venue when I was visiting my cousin in Virginia. But there was a hurricane going on so the show was cancelled.

It is weird that I feel depressed yet excited about the show. The nerve pain is settling down some. I really wanted to die when it was at its worse. The pain is horrible and there is nothing you can really do about it. I know there is a rectal cream that is lidocaine based that can be used but I have a hard time reaching back there to apply things.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and came home a sweaty mess. I was so exerted by the walk. I am resting now and waiting for time to pass for the concert tonight. I cannot wait to see her. She is so beautiful. I’ve been in love with her since the first time I saw her on tv. Just hope my pain doesn’t interfere with seeing her. I am tired but trying not to nap. I got to eat some turkey and stuffing and squash. It was a good meal.

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

My sister didn’t buy the squash that I wanted so I wanted to go today but I had to go to the post office to mail something out. I got stuck in the line so my sister went for me. I waited so long in line at the post office that my ankle flared up. It still is hurting me and I am trying so much to ignore it. It isn’t working. I am tired just from this excursion. God my ankle hurts. I didn’t go get my EKG today. I might go Friday if my sister isn’t doing anything. I will have her drive me there. It shouldn’t take too long. They are usually quick. I hate that I have to have it because my stupid breast is in the way because it is useless. I hate the things on my chest so much. It is really bothering me that I can’t get rid of them until I lose 25 lbs. I have been slowly losing weight but it is slow. I really think that this is discriminatory against overweight people to have them lose weight to affirm themselves. I don’t understand why you need to lose weight or be a certain BMI. If I had breast cancer I bet they wouldn’t say I needed to lose weight to remove the cancer. So stupid. Makes me so angry. It doesn’t help the gender dysphoria and it doesn’t help my mood that I have to fucking wait. I am so pissed off because losing weight is not easy.

I ordered lunch from my favorite sub shop. I can’t wait for the chicken kabob sandwich. It has been a long time since I had it. I bought myself an early birthday present for myself. I got a ticket to see Mary Chapin Carpenter at the Wolf Trap Center virtually for Friday night. I am so excited. And then I find out Taylor is on Disney plus so I will watch that tomorrow after dinner. It will be great to see Taylor and how she came with her new album. I love it. It is a really good mellow album.

I accidently took a double dose of Miralax today. I had a close to empty bottle so thought I would just take the rest didn’t realize there was enough for a dose in there. So I emptied the bottle in my glass. I just hope I don’t have colon blow or lose control of my bowels making an accident. I did my T shot today and didn’t hit a vein. I am so happy about that. Last couple of times I have hit one and there was a lot of blood after the shot. I can’t stand looking at my own blood. It makes me queasy.

I took a nap around 1600 and I am still tired. Hope I can sleep tonight. I know I took a late nap. I just took my night meds. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I had asked for a refill on the citalopram and haven’t gotten it yet. It still hasn’t been called in to the pharmacy. I hope I will hear from him on Friday as I will run out this weekend and I don’t see him till next week. Monday I will go get the EKG that I need. I wanted to go today but I wasn’t sure if the office had a half day or not because of tomorrow’s holiday.

I hate Mondays

I hate Mondays

I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.

I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.

Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.

She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.

flare up

Flare up

I am in a flare right now. Ankle is so hurting. Bones are hurting me more than anything. I took a double dose of gabapentin and took my BT meds which I am running low on. I forgot to call in a refill Friday. I was in such a bad mood Friday that I just stayed in bed. I didn’t get up for anything other than bathroom breaks. I don’t think I ate either. I managed to eat today but it was just soup and ensure. I wanted to make some scrambled eggs but my sister was taking over the stove baking and making the soup. I couldn’t be bothered with being in the way. I have my way of doing things and I didn’t want to go over my sister.

I laid low today. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I wanted to pick up my meds at the pharmacy but I had such a headache that I didn’t get up till 1500. It was too late to do things. I had no motivation when I woke up to do anything. I have been in this mood for a while. I think the depression is getting worse. I really want to increase the citalopram but this idiot psychiatrist is banking on the antipsychotic in helping my mood. He is really pissing me off. I got to go for an EKG before he wants to increase the dose. I have never had a problem with SSRIs and my heart. It is just another excuse so he won’t increase the dose.

I am tired but I can’t sleep. I think I slept too late today. I haven’t had coffee in two days. I don’t know if my sister bought half and half like I asked her. She went shopping today. I forgot to ask her if she bought my things. I wanted butternut squash for Turkey day. I wonder if my therapist is going to be with her family that day. All this covid stuff has people putting off visiting, least the responsible people. The ones that don’t care just do what they want without consequence to them. Wear your mask! Wash your hands! Social distance!

I haven’t been doing the DBT skill that my therapist wants me to do. I haven’t been in the mood to do it. I have looked it over several times and there is a lot in the ACCEPTS skill. Each letter is a different activity. One of the reasons why I don’t like DBT, too much work. I haven’t even written about the “experience”. I started writing a letter to my therapist last night I think. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I will have to look at it before session to know what I said. I am glad I have access to sent mail.

My ankle pain has worsened. It feels like someone is trying to break it in two. I already took what I can to combat this pain. I just have to wait it out for now. I hate the waiting. It makes me anxious. I was listening to music but instead of calming me, it was making me annoyed. I have to put on Mary Chapin. She is the only one that calms me down when I am irritable. She has such a soothing voice. Tomorrow I need to shower and shave. It is on my to do things. I just hope I can do it without my back flaring up on me. My back has been so much better since taking the magnesium supplements. I haven’t noticed a bowel change with me taking it twice a day. I have had to take Miralax in order to go. I am not going to take the senna anymore as it hasn’t done anything for me to help my bowels. I just feel like I am taking a pill that is doing nothing. Maybe my bowels will be better without me taking it. I hope so anyway. We’ll see.