An idiot, I am

Pain got the best of me this morning. Early this morning I was ready to doze off finally after being up all night. Laid down and within 15 minutes, pain got worse. I had enough so I got the elixir out. I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste. I took a swig. It was peppery and I checked the ingredients to make sure it didn’t have pepper in it or my stomach was going to reject my attempt. I kept taking shots but nothing was happening. I waited an hour. Nothing. By now it was like 6 am. I maybe dozed off for an hour or two, not consecutively though. By 0700, I gave up. The stuff wasn’t causing a reaction. I was mad and pissed and a jumble of other emotions.

I texted my therapist at midnight saying I wasn’t going to see her tomorrow. She thought it was today so allowed me to cancel. Mood was all over the place. Then she texted saying she couldn’t see me because she was really sick. That was the last text I got from her. I sent her a few more but got nothing. I went about my day.

I went to see my friend at the Navy Yard. We chatted for a few before he had to go back to work. I then went off for my appt with OT. We discussed the caths and stuff related. I asked her what would be best in cathing in bed and she told me it might be easier but I could get too comfortable with it that it would be the only place I would. Right now I am just planning on doing it when my ankle is 12+ level pain so I don’t have to go downstairs. I got a urinal and she showed me an type of catheter with a bag from the same company that makes the ones I use. She is going to recommend them to my uro so she can order them for me. These will be so much easier as then I don’t have to worry too much about wetting the bed with an accidental miss. Throughout the conversation I was having trouble keeping it. Concussion symptoms were in high gear today. Memory was finicky at best and my thoughts were not always on point. I would forget mid-sentence what I was saying and then totally blank out completely. Didn’t help that I sleep deprived.

After the appt, I went grocery shopping. I wanted burgers and turkey bacon. 4 things and I wiped out when I got home. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I asked my mother to make burgers. She did, almost using the two pounds of meat I bought. I told her not to use all of it because I wanted to make dirty gravy. Now I need to buy more meat, which means going out in the storm tomorrow. Fucking fuck. I am so pissed she just did what she wanted with my stuff.

The only side effect from my failed attempt is a sore throat. I haven’t officially told anyone. I feel more hopeless and useless now than i did before. I put in a call to the NP as the therapist wanted me to involve her in this. She (NP) never called me so not sure when or if she will. I texted the therapist about it. Still got no response so she must really be sick. I don’t know if she is going to figure out i duped her with appt days. I did ask saying if there was an opening to let me know. I cannot see her Thurs but will if i have to. I see the behavioral med psychologist then. I cannot see the therapist and him on the same day as insurance won’t allow it.

I really don’t want to let on I tried to end things today. I feel like I will get in trouble if I do or worse, get placed back in the hospital. I will know more tomorrow if the therapist is feeling better.

Wed morning I see the concussion specialist. I am being evaluated for a TBI, which is what a concussion is, a traumatic brain injury, though a mild one. I am having a lot of symptoms so hope they can help. I know I have been bad about screen time and resting my brain. It is so hard though doing absolutely nothing sitting in the dark. I wouldn’t mind if I was drugged out on something or maybe I just need an ativan to help me sleep while my brain recovers. I still am getting headaches and pain at the back of my head where I banged it. Short term memory is shot. I can’t remember things like i used to and i have to write stuff down. The OT suggested I have an alarm set to start being on a bladder schedule so i know when to pee. I think i am going to put it in my med app as i can order it for every 6 hours or so without disrupting the time schedule. Trick would be at night so i don’t wake up in the early morning hours just to empty my bladder. But if i should have to, i now have the urinal and obviously the caths to do it. The OT also gave me a few higher quality chux pads. That was really nice of her. Now I can order them through Amazon. I haven’t decided if I should get disposable ones or washable. The price is pretty much the same, except for washable you get 4, disposable I think is 50. If I get the washable, I won’t have to reorder them, which would be nice.

I am feeling pretty worthless about failing, again. I guess I am just not meant to die. And this bothers me so much.

High levels of pain and new development

My pain level for most of the day has been a 14 since 4 am when I woke up to pee. Ankle/foot have been either together or alternating with the pain. Either my ankle joint is being hacked with an axe, foot bones are being crushed, or now an “L” shaped pain has started which totally prevents me from moving the damn thing. I just want to die and I am racking my brain on how to do it seeing as how I was going to do it didn’t pan out and didn’t work.

Today I found that I have diminished feeling in my privates. I can get slightly aroused but either have a weak orgasm or none at all, which is frustrating. I know I don’t talk about sex that much on here but the disc that is doing whatever to my bladder nerves also controls the nerves to the other parts of my genitalia. Although I wish to have no relationship with it, I have no choice because nerve damage will make phalloplasty difficult so I’ve choose not to have bottom surgery. However, now that this stupid disc is wreaking havoc on these nerves, I might as well not have a sex life of masturbation or with someone of my choosing. Thanks Cauda Equina Syndrome for really fucking up my life, and not in a good way.

As the compression seems to be causing slow diminished effects it is hard to know what level this injury is coming from. It is making me so damn suicidal. But like I said I need to find a way to do it. I still have the ginger plan. It is just finding the ginger to do the trick. I am going to try ginger beer next. Or a ginger shot that I found on Amazon. Sent a pic to my therapist and she got upset with me. Oh well.

I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. She wants to know what my neurosurgeon says. I am thinking I probably will have to get a new MRI with contrast. I am going to suggest that an IV be placed so access is there. Otherwise, because I am a hard stick, it might be difficult to administer the contrast. My only worry right now is what effect this is going to have on my bowels. Right now I am backed up so I am kind of grateful for that but I need dynamite to get the shit out. OT has suggested Miralax so I am trying that. I am also wondering if the back pain is being masked because of the pain meds I take. Today while looking for a book my back flared up but sort of settled down. Then I was standing doing something when pain said to sit. I’ve been sitting with pain since then but it isn’t above a 4. If it was higher, then surgery would be next on my mind.

I really like my therapist (ptx) even though she is a hard ass. She pushes me and I like that about her. Also, I really didn’t think I had bullshit but she says I do. She wants to keep me on track of what we talk about and stay on it, not derail because I am feeling emotions about it. I am driving her nuts with the text thing. So I’ve decided to send the worrisome stuff to my alt phone so it is out of my system/head.

I can’t really the last time I had a number 2. I was going good for a while now I’ve stopped again. I hate constipation. You might think this is gross or maybe something not to talk about but this is what I deal with and shit I deal with goes on my blog. You don’t like it, find something else to read. I am scared of this development. The whole purpose of not going through phalloplasty was cause I liked my clit a lot. If it is no longer going to work then I am not sure what I am going to do. A sex life isn’t important to me but I’d still like one if it should present itself. If I should find a female I like and we hit it off i don’t want it to end because i can’t function. I never dreamed of having someone long term in my life but i do want someone to cuddle with.

If you are reading this and it cause discomfort due to issues of sexual abuse or something, please let me know and I will place a trigger warning so someone else doesn’t.

Ok maybe a little blogging

Been doing a fair amount of walking today, which wasn’t my intention. I tried to nap but noise kept me up every time I thought I was going to doze off. Foot/ankle are all swelled up and hurt like fucking hell. Pain is easy a 12 right now. Feeling so fucking suicidal. Bones are just aching and feeling crushed. It is always the trigger. One day it is going to set off the gun and swear once it is in motion, I am not going to stop. Be foolish to. I can’t take pain getting worse or my back being a time bomb. It is always half my goddamn foot/ankle. Going to be a long night. Glad I took my pain meds early, though might need another one in a few hours. Hate taking pills all the fucking time for this.

I got the start of PT next week but with my voice being shot, I don’t think I will go. I will just get a referral when I can speak without it hurting so bad afterwards. I am supposed to go back to laryngology in 3 months. The PA said I can cancel if I am “better”. Honestly the woman is whacked. Should send her a message and see if she knows why the whatever it is is making it hard to speak. I never asked her that.

Temps are supposed to drop tomorrow so I am going to be hurting. Temp went up to fricken 80 today. I thought we were done with hot temps. But that is Boston for you.

Mood has been awful today. Just feel so hopeless and with pain hitting me at night, just makes it worse. Really don’t see how this is going to change. Was supposed to have therapy tomorrow but I canceled. Too painful to talk. Never thought I’d lose my voice in so many ways. First is writing and second is literally. Guess my psych is not going to see that book published.

Clearing room and pain

I’ve been slowly making some progress in my room. I was making room so some office stuff could go in. Then I talked to my youngest sister and she said I should just be clearing my room so they could rip up my rug and fix the wall in my room that is bubbling. News to me. I know they wanted to do this but where they were to put my bedroom stuff and office stuff remains a mystery to me. Unless some of it goes in my Mother’s room while they do the stuff and then vice versa. Yes, they want to rip up my mother’s rug, too. I wouldn’t mind having linoleum. I have always hated having a rug but it was what my mother wanted, not me.

I have been talking to someone on Twitter past couple of weeks, maybe more. My moods have been volitile, not in a violent sense, but in how morbid and suicidal they can become when my chronic pain flares up, which has been awful since the stress and moving/clearing stuff has started. So me and this person talking and I’ve been telling them how suicidal I was. Last night, I was letting go of my feelings, not only talking privately but also in my Twitter feed. The person got concerned so reported me. I was pissed off, worried cops would show up at my house later this morning. I am not sure how Twitter handles such a threat. I may lose access to my account for a bit or I would get a thing of saying someone reported me and I should call a hotline. Or both these should occur as well as a wellness check by local PD. We ended up talking through stuff. I venting to her the frustrations of things but not really saying why I stressed. We go into the dynamics of suicide prevention. She suggested moved to Houston. I told them I thought of going to Menninger for treatment but they just use treatment as usual, which I am not quite sure what that is. I just know it is a 6-8 week program which may help keep some of the demons at bay. One study they did was actually successful in preventing relapse. I forget the discipline they used, but I think it was some kind of CBT. I know David Jobes had tried CAMS with suicidal persons but there was a lack of communication between study personnel and staff. Also some staff had attitudes of “they are just going to do it anyway”, which is a myth. Anyway, as moving doesn’t seem to be an option, I am unable to access the programs the Twitter person mentioned. They were still concerned for my safety and I kept reassuring them I okay. I couldn’t say it with 100% certainty but I knew I wasn’t going to do it last night. I have a baseball game I will be going to tonight and then I am to see my psych Friday. The weekend is up in the air.

I’ve been thinking of ending things for so long now. I probably should be in the hospital but I can’t for fear of what my sisters and mother will do with my stuff. My middle sister has “given” me a month to go through my stuff in the living room. My youngest wants me to go through the stuff in my bedroom. Problem is I cannot be in two places at once. Nor can I do stuff on a daily basis. My pain was through the roof just to finishing clearing 1 box in my room and then setting up my new modem. Now I just need to vacuum the area and go through my bookcase so I can get some books off the floor. I got approximately a shelf and a half, maybe more as there are some books I just want in boxes to put the newer books. I also want to get rid of my subwoofer and desktop computer to make room on my desk. I was going to part with it but have decided not to. I can put some more books on it as well as store my office supplies once I go through the drawers.

There is no doubt my mood has tanked horribly and so fast. My appetite has come back but my normal level of depression has not. I am so stressed with my sister here. She has taken over nearly every room. The kitchen is full of her stuff that there is no counter space like there was. I have no idea why she wanted to have her kitchen stuff here. We don’t need two mixers and can openers as well as towels and utensils. It is too much. And the bathroom! Omg. Her son and her have so many bathroom stuff. I know my mother and i had a lot of bathroom stuff but they have double what we have. JFC.

I need to have my eyes checked. I am not sure if my pain or exhaustion causes my eyes to become unfocused at times or my glasses just need to be updated. Although with my current “extra” money going towards my cable bill this month, I am not sure when I can afford new glasses. I have a pair of frames that I want to have the lenses but not sure they will do that at the eye place I go to or if I have to go else where for the lenses. Last time I just tried to do this, it costed me the same price as getting a frame and lenses. But I think my I insurance will cover the cost so it won’t be as expensive. I want to get the kind of lenses that repel dust and smudges, a type of oil repellent as well as anti glare. This kind is expensive but if it saves me from having to clean my lenses two, three times every day, it will be worth it. The type of frame I have I think will be better for multifocal lenses as they are bigger than what I am wearing now. I hate having to wear glasses all the time because if I don’t my eyes become unfocused and everything becomes blurred. It really hurts my eyes because I am straining them to see.

So this is the update. I wrote this on my phone so if there are typos or words missing (my phone has gotten in the habit of erasing words after I type them) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks