Tag: chronic pain

In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

Feeling sad and dysphoric

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.

There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.

There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.

Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.

My worth

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up today dreading the day, wishing I were dead. I tried consoling myself by saying it is only one day but I felt miserable. I had therapy and my therapist didn’t seem concerned with my apathy and despair. We talked about what to get out of therapy more. She suggested EMDR. I told her I would look into it. She said it is an approved therapy. I was shocked to hear this as it was still experimental when I first learned of it. Course, that was nearly thirty years ago.

After therapy, I pondered what to do. I still need to bring the books I bought to my pcp’s office. I also need to pick up my meds. I just couldn’t get going so I did nothing. Until I realized I am out of mirtazepine. I forgot to pick it up yesterday. So I walked to the pharmacy around the block. My right ankle has been bothering me the last couple of days. It was ok until I hit the cement sidewalk. It got better as I walked down the street that I swear turns into a mile when I walk it. I had to walk uphill for about 200 feet and it killed me. There were people along the sitting areas so I couldn’t stop. I rested at the entrance. I looked at my phone as my cousin texted me. I was out of breath and I still had to go in the back of the store to get my meds. My calves were building up with lactic acid by the time I left. The guy that was on the bench had left so I sat for a while before turning onto the street that becomes too long. I finally got to my house and a tuxedo cat was on my porch. It startled me. I sat and collected myself while the cat ate.

I came across this meme and it is so me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Either my physical pain will flare or my mental pain will and when both do, I am in trouble. I could have asked my niece to pick up my meds but I wanted to go out. It was a nice day. Wasn’t too warm. Summer is almost over. Baseball season has a month left of games. I needed to go out to prove my worth. I may hurt later tonight but that is ok. It isn’t but what’s done is done.

Pic/meme

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, disability

I got my haircut today. I’ve been up since 4am. I had a hard time sleeping. Then I just decided to stay up. I asked my psychiatrist about increasing the mirtazepine and he agreed. I’ll put the increase in tomorrow’s box when I do the meds for the week.

My ankle still hurts but not as bad as last night. I am tired. I made the steak for dinner. I cooked it too much. It was a thick piece and well I am still learning. It’s not often I make steak. If it wasn’t raining I would have grilled it. My knees have been aching most of the day. It is cool but the rain is making things muggy.

I read a chapter in the Critical Suicidology book and wrote a message to my therapist. Problem was it was too long for the stupid web message so I had to take a pic of it and send it. I don’t know if it will be readable. I have the document saved in case she wants to read it for Monday’s appt.

I miss my mother. I’ve been wanting to call her the past couple of hours. It has been tough. I never thought I would miss her phone calls asking what I was doing or where I was. I came straight home after seeing my barber. I had no plans today. I might go south of Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I hope I don’t get a migraine because of the rain. I told my cousin it will depend on how I feel. I am glad they are understanding. I hate canceling at last minute because I don’t feel well. But that is life with chronic illness.