hodgepodge of thoughts

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.

random thoughts 21102020

Random thoughts 21102020

I’ve had a day. I met with my surgeon and things are good. I told him about the bowel issues I have been having. He said to contact my pcp as it wasn’t neuro related. I was pleased to hear that. I contacted my pcp and we decided to decrease the magnesium and see if that helps.

After the appointment, I went to the grocery store as I was out of half and half. They didn’t have the big container like I usually have. They didn’t even have a quart of the kind I get so I bought an organic kind as my choices were limited. I bought some ketchup and a half gallon of juice. My bag was heavy. I just managed to get to the bus stop, huffing and puffing. I drank my iced tea that I bought. I had some time before the next bus would come. I was thankful as I needed to rest. I got a text from the pharmacy that my prescription was ready to be picked up so I went to pick it up instead of going home right away. This was not a good decision. I couldn’t walk up the street to my house. I had to call my brother in law to pick me up. I didn’t have to wait too long, thank god.

I came home and turned the AC on in my room. I was drenched from sweat as it was kind of warm today. My brother in law said he was making tacos so I changed into my PJs and a different T shirt that was dry. I was exhausted by the time I was finished with the tacos and going back up the flight of stairs to my room. My legs are killing me. I hate being so out of shape. I know when I see PT on Friday I am going to be as exhausted.

The suicidal ideation that had been flowing in and out the past few weeks have gotten worse. I texted my therapist that I think I should see her and she sent me a time for next week. We have a lot to talk about. I just hope she is willing to listen to what I have to say. I plan on writing down the stuff I want to talk about so I don’t forget. I have my notebook ready. It is the one I have dedicated to therapy.

I hope I sleep good tonight. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I wish I didn’t have the appointment. I just want a day of no appointments but that is not happening this week. I am just glad I don’t have to go out until Friday for PT. I am so exhausted and my ankle is starting to smart. My back is already hurting. I forgot to tell the surgeon about the cramping. I think I will sent him a message and see what he says.

therapy and stuff

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.

Sunday Blog 18102020

Sunday Blog 18102020

I have been in pain most of the day. I made my breakfast and my back cramped up on me. No matter what the fuck I do, my back cramps up on me and I don’t know fucking why. I am so annoyed. I hope when I see the PT on Friday she can give me some answers. It is the middle of my back more than the lower back where I had surgery. I hate these cramps/spasms so much because I can’t do things. Even folding laundry my back was cramping. WTF.

I did my exercise today. I walked the length of the house four times as I brought my mother a cup of coffee before bringing my tea upstairs. By the last leg of the walk, guess what happened? My back cramped up! I am in agony right now and am contemplating taking an Ativan because the Zanaflex doesn’t seem to be working. I am so damn tired from it though, which is why I made some tea. It is tea from England, a Twining Everyday tea. It is really good. I still have my Yorkshire tea that I have not had in a while.

I just talked my mother into making grilled cheese for supper. I have been craving it the past few days. I would make it but I always seem to burn it. I don’t like burnt grilled cheese. My mother makes it better than I do anyways. I don’t know why that is. I got to watch her make it to find out her secret. I think she puts more cheese in it than I do.

I have been reading a book by Glennon Doyle. She is a gay author and a feminist. I am learning so much from this book. It is making me want to write a second memoir on feelings or something like that. My first memoir was good. I sold and continue to sell copies. I think more than 100 books have been bought, between Amazon and my personal signing. I haven’t written a book since 2016. That is a long time.

I see my surgeon this week and I am going to tell him about the spasms/cramps in my back. Maybe there is something he can suggest that I can do or take for it. I also see PT later this week. I have a jam packed week of appointments every day this week. Tomorrow is therapy, Tues is pain psychologist, Wed surgeon, Thurs Psychiatrist, and Fri PT. I am going to be tired. Luckily the only appointment I have to leave my house for is PT. The rest are virtual. I am nervous about seeing the pain psychologist because she isn’t the one I wanted to see. I wanted to see the guy because he isn’t heavily into CBT. I have sort of that with my therapist and I don’t like it like I thought I would. It is a lot of work.

Tomorrow I am going to bring up the last blog I wrote that was only 165 words. I started writing about my grief and things ended there. I couldn’t really go on writing so I just ended the blog there. I am not happy about it because it was so short, probably the shortest blog I have ever written. My therapist knows that when I feel powerful emotions I tend to stop. It is something to work on.

My ankle has been bothering me since around noon time today. It feels like someone is trying to stretch the fuck out of it. I just feel this pull on it. It hurts so bad. I took a pain med for it but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I have tried keeping it in the “L” position and that hasn’t helped either. No matter what position I have it in, it hurts. This is the umpteenth day in a row that my ankle has been hurting. Walking seems to temporarily stop the pain but soon as I am in a resting position the pain comes back. I can walk the length of my house but my back cramps up on me. I fucking hate being in pain every single day with either or both my ankle and back bothering me. It is getting me down and I don’t see getting out of it. It is making me feel hopeless. I hope the pain psychologist can help with some of this stuff, which is why I am seeing her. My only goal in seeing her would be to better cope mentally with physical pain. I just hope she doesn’t give me fricken DBT shit or I will lose my shit.