First bad news of the year
I’ve had bladder pain all weekend and my uro is out of the office due to illness so she wanted me to see my pcp. My pcp wasn’t in the office so I went to medical walk in. The doc there was concerned I might have appendicitis so he had me down for a CT scan. The scan indicated everything was normal except my spine which had advance discogenic degenerative changes from L2-L5. Not the news I wanted to hear. I am already freaking out over my upcoming neurosurgeon appointment and this just added to my nerves, no pun intended. I am going to ask my PCP to tell him what has been going on and to see what he (neurosurg) wants to do. Maybe he wants to see me sooner than the 5th. I don’t know. My psych said that if I have surgery, she will visit me. Least that is one way of seeing her again. Though I rather it be her new office not my hospital room!
I’ve been in a mood since I came home. I want to self-destruct. I sent my psych a message that I am keeping things as best I can even though I want to plan right now (I didn’t tell her that). If I had some lethal method I would probably act on it. I am keeping focus on things other than suicide and that is very hard when you just want to end your life because things suck so bad right now. I did some Amazon shopping. I probably will do some more tomorrow as there are a few things that I need that I didn’t get. I just don’t want three charges all on the same card.
Voices have no calmed down despite me increasing the dose back to 4.5 mg of Invega. I might have to wait a bit. I canceled therapy for tomorrow because I just can’t go back to the hosp. I am so frigging tired and the stupid doctor hit my right heel to see if it caused abdominal pain that it flared up the sensitivity and my Achilles heel as well. I am in pain all over the place. Plus my ankle is in HUGE amount of pain. It locked up on me again when I came home soon after I took the AFO brace off. I haven’t eaten anything substantial but I gained five pounds since the last time I was weighed. I don’t know when that was but I was five pounds less. I am upset over gaining the weight. I was doing well to stay below 200 but I couldn’t stay off. I just had ensure when I came home and Gatorade. I am not hungry, even though I should be.
On the way home, I found out the GOP Senators were traitors like they have been the past two years and Derek Jeter got into the HOF. I am happy about Derek. He has my deepest respect because even though he was a Yankee, he played with heart and class. Unlike some people that will never make it into the HOF.
I am feeling really out of sorts. The voices are continuing to tell me I am meaningless and worthless. This has been going on for a week and I am about to snap. I don’t know what I will do but it won’t be good. I am trying not to give into my impish ways. I just feel so awful about my back and there is nothing I can do except wait until I see the neurosurg. I also got to wait two days for the urine culture to come back to see if I have a urine infection. That is a lot of waiting. The doc gave me the choice of going on antibiotics now but I didn’t want to be treated for the wrong bug so I decided to wait, which is the right thing to do. Just sucks. The urinalysis wasn’t positive at all so I don’t think there is any bugs causing the bladder pain. Nothing showed up on the CT scan so I am starting to think this is a CRPS thing. If I am right, this is going to be a problem when I have top surgery. I got to read more into Type1 CRPS. Type 2 is supposed to be the “bad” one. But I don’t have that so it shouldn’t be spreading to my bladder. UGH. I got to play medical detective because there is no one else to play with the clues. Though the pain is bad but not as bad as my ankle pain. Not choosing pains just saying. I hope I can sleep tonight but tomorrow is shot and pay day so I doubt it. It’s already 11pm. I will probably give the T at midnight. Sleep for a few hours to wake up to pay some bills then sleep some more. I want to get a haircut tomorrow. I kind of fucked it up as I went wild but I don’t think I did a too bad of a job that my barber can’t fix.
My sister is sick and when my other sister told me I laughed out loud because she opened up all the fucking windows in the house when it was like 18 degrees out. Fuck. Serves her right. Dumbass she is. I have my window open and I only got sick because my mother doesn’t wash her hands or cover her mouth when she coughs, and she has had a bad cough. Her foot doctor sent her to her primary as she had a bad coughing fit. UGH. They have her on antibiotics, which is good. If they have her on something else, I doubt she will take it. She will pay for it but she won’t use it. I don’t get that at all. Meanwhile I got to remember to budget my money this month so I can get my meds. I forgot last month. My bad. January is tough. I don’t even know what my monthly insurance is going to be yet. I haven’t gotten the invoice yet. I am thinking it is going to be at least $232, might be more but I will stick with that for now.
1st cold in a while
I got my first sickness of the year. I was starting to come down with something over the weekend and now it is full course. I am coughing and got a runny nose. I am all congested but no fever. I ran out of Nyquil so I am just taking vitamin D. I feel a little better today even though I am stuffy.
My urologist got back to me today. She is sick but wants me to drop a specimen to the lab tomorrow and have my pcp follow up with it. So I sent him a message about that. I don’t know if it will be tomorrow though as Wed I need to see my therapist.
I still have the assignment the therapist gave me last week that I haven’t done yet. It is hard because I have to think what three need mean to me and how to achieve them. The first one I picked was achievement, to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent. I often dismiss my achievements like they are nothing. For example, the PT I saw was amazed I was able to get to her appointments from the next two towns over by public transportation. To walk to the bus/train stop and then go to and from. She gave me credit for that and I never thought of it that way. I would sometimes I have a pain flare after, but that was something I did without it being a challenge. Writing lately has been a challenge. I would love to write at least five days a week but I know there are days where I am not feeling up to it physically or mentally. It is hard to write when you feel like complete crap or your ankle is screaming on the top of its lungs.
The second thing is play. I would love to have a chance to go to the chess club more but sleep is more important to me. I have to plan the day because I have to take the bus on a Sunday. Then walk to the plaza. Sometimes they go to the coffee shop if the weather is not great and that means I have to have money for coffee. I usually don’t carry cash and I am often broke by the time I get paid. Just trying to have an extra $20 for a haircut has been hard. That also makes me feel good, to have a haircut. I wish I could go more than once a month but budgeting it now with having to budget my meds hasn’t been possible.
The third thing is defendence, to defend against assault, criticism, or blame. I need to stand up for myself more in my house. I let my sisters and mother boss me around all the time. They don’t think that I am disabled and that I do things on purpose, like leaving the toilet seat up. That is a new challenge for me with this whole catheter business. They don’t understand that I am not aware of things that they are. Yes it sucks but give me a little credit or just tell me so that I don’t do it again. Don’t get mad at me for something I don’t know I am doing. I am not doing it on purpose. I get so irritated with my sister about this stuff. She has no respect for other people. My mother has no privacy for my bathroom uses. It is really frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with this because both are so volatile.
Abuse finally told
Wednesday, my mother set off my PTSD. I had such anxiety most of the day that it was driving me crazy along with the intrusive memories and feelings of shame and humiliation. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was up because of pain so around 0430 before I went to finally rest, I sent a text to my therapist asking if I could still see her today despite canceling the appointment. She responded like an hour or so later saying yes, I could come in.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about this. I had so much on my mind. I needed to ask her input on how to set boundaries with my mother and she said that it is not going to be easy as this is going to be coming from left field with her (my mother). I knew it would be I was just hoping something I could say could diffuse the situation. Really didn’t come up with anything so I started talking about the stuff she did to me. She said if this had happened today, child’s services would have been involved. I still feel sick about all of it. When I told her what she wanted the doctor to do and then I couldn’t tell her what went on at home, with her holding me down to do what she wanted to do. I pretty much told her everything that she ever did to me. She (therapist) thinks my mother is psychotic. She is not trying to take away from what she did to me. My therapist told me what she did was abuse and I was both relieved and scared about this. I always got that what she did was of “motherly concern” so therefore was not abuse. And because when I confronted my mother at 16 she denied it as well as I was told how could I say such things about my mother, it just made me shut down. I denied it because I had to. Now I cannot because it is causing too much turmoil.
The abuse happened when I was a toddler up until I was fourteen. It made the gender dysphoria so much more present and also messed with me in other ways. I feel dirty and I don’t think I will ever be clean. This is all I can write at this time. I wish I could write more but it is hurting too much and stirring up too many emotions.
Baking and the tireds
I woke up around 9. I had energy but I didn’t feel like getting up. I had to bake the zucchini bread, which I did do eventually. My mother made my custard pie for my birthday tomorrow. She is having a party for me. Little does she know that it will be my coming out party. I am not hiding who I am anymore and if someone calls me my birthname or “she”, I am going to correct them. If I am meant to be here, I damn well am going to be who I am and not who I am not. I am a male and that is all. I try to be a good, kind man.
After I baked, I got really tired. I went up to my room to relax a bit. I had to be careful with the damn catheter. I had tied the bag to my leg so I wouldn’t be touching it while I baked. I seriously am just so depressed that this is my life now. I will always have to either have a cath placed or do the cathing to excrete urine because I can no longer do it on my own. And there is no reason for it. There is some kind of nerve damage going on but nothing to indicate where it is coming from. I am so frustrated.
My pcp sent me a message this morning. I had replied to his from Friday, I think. I was upset that he didn’t want to treat my pain. He said that with all the medication changes the other docs and the psychopharm are doing, he doesn’t want to add to it. I understood where he was coming from after I had a good sleep and was clearheaded. The concussion is not helping me stay focused on things. I have been having memory problems and my rationale has not been in good judgment. I wrote back to him a few things to keep him up to speed. I don’t see him again till Feb. That is a long way from now. I also see the neurosurgeon a day before his appointment.
My therapist had wanted me to think about going to a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) group. I thought about it but I also have a lot of questions about it. I wrote them down the other day. I hope that I remember the notebook I wrote it in because I also want her to write the stuff she was telling me to do to express my feelings in the moment when I didn’t have words for them. I talked to a friend about going to this group as physically it can be taxing. She said to give it a go and see how it fits. If it doesn’t then I can always leave it. I wonder if my therapist will think so. I have to be honest with her that this might not be for me as I haven’t had much success with outpatient group therapy.
I am absolutely dreading my birthday party tomorrow. I know there is going to be a lot of pronouns and it is just going to stress me the fuck out. I guess I can talk to my therapist about it. Might help me to unload the fears I have about stepping up this far with my family. I know they aren’t going to be accepting. Some will, some won’t. But if I have to be here, why not let me be the man I am?