Saturday Blog 22062019
I’ve not had a good day. I slept poorly and then fought with my sister throughout the day. Whenever I called her out, the madder she got. She started going through my stuff and when I told her to stop, she refused, saying that I needed to go through my stuff. I told her she wouldn’t like me going through her stuff so stop it. Then she got pissed off and wanted to through shit in my room. She was hauling stuff but I don’t see most of it. My nephew came home from where ever he was and helped me clear some stuff in my room that didn’t seem so overwhelming to him. He did a good job, I helped but it hurt. It took hours for the stabbing in my ankle to stop. It is still sore but I decided to make a marinara sauce anyways as baking cookies would take too much out of me.
I called my psych a little after three. She wanted to know how I was doing with the UTI. I said I was ok and still have symptoms but feel a little better than yesterday. I still haven’t had a decent meal. I had two protein bars yesterday and today I had some cottage cheese with pineapple and then some ice cream. I could barely finish the ice cream, which was not even a full bowl. I kind of feel sick now but at least something is in my stomach.
I weighed myself this morning and I am down another five pounds due to no appetite. I am trying to eat but I am so damned stressed with my sister and now losing my psych. I really feel like I am living with my father as I never know when she is going to jump down my fricken throat. I called her a bully and she laughed at me. Then said she needed to put a stick up my ass, but that isn’t a bully. Fucking bitch. I can’t stand living here but I have no place to go. There is a shit load of waiting lists for disabled people looking for housing, which is so fucking stupid as they are constantly building places. I don’t understand why some of the new housing isn’t for subsidized rents and stuff. Makes no sense.
As I couldn’t sleep last night and felt like I was going to puke, I wrote my psych a letter. It was a little sentimental. I cried again and then some during the night. I kept on having weird dreams. One was of my little cousin (who is 3 or 4) was on my dining room table but she was like 1 or 2. My sister (the bitch one) kept telling me my great grandmother was coming over. It was said at least three times. In the dream it was my father’s mother and I never met her. She died before I was born. Another dream had me bending for something when my mother walks by and uses my back as a support, pushing on it and I woke up with screaming in pain. That part of my back was hurting. There was a third dream but I don’t remember it now. I finally gave up sleeping around 1230, wanting to make cookies but my stupid sister was going through my shit and I knew it would be hell if I baked even though it was a nice cool day. I am so mad at her. She doesn’t understand a damn thing about what I go through and every time I try to get her to get it or at least try and understand, it falls on deaf ears.
This morning when I took my meds, I noticed I didn’t take it yesterday. That was probably why I was feeling so terrible. I thought I had taken them as I took off the alarm. I got results of the urine culture and it was negative. I hope when I finish taking the antibiotics, it remains clear. I am still having pain when peeing. My last dose of antibiotics is Monday night. Monday is going to be a hard day. I am already dreading it as I am not sure how it will be. I have so much to talk to my psych about yet I am not sure there will be enough time to get through it all. I really want to make sure that she will sign off when I want to have top surgery. Also need to work out what to do when I get into a bad spot again. The thought of her not being there is not making me feel easy. I am going to give her my business card that has my contact info on it so in case she doesn’t have it or for some reason, I can’t get in touch with her, she will at least have a way to contact me. I will feel better knowing this.
I’m glad my night meds include Ativan as I need one right now. I am so fricken anxious for some reason. I left the marinara sauce to cool and fear of being reprimanded for leaving it. I hate feeling like I am walking on eggshells in my own house! I can’t deal with the stress. I have enough of it dealing with chronic pain and trying to sleep as well as keep my appointments with my healthcare providers. I haven’t been able to do the new PT exercises. I really haven’t been feeling well and have had too much on my mind.
Thoughts on my blog
I have been discharged from the hospital. I am paranoid that I am being monitored by someone at the hospital on what I write. I am not 100% positive of this because my stats views have gone back down to there regular numbers. Either way, it got me thinking about how to proceed.
For those that read my blog every day, I would like your input. You can give it to me via my contact page or if you want to leave a comment, that is fine too. If you are a close friend and follow me on other social media, feel free to contact me there as well. I am thinking of password protecting my blogs going forward but want my readers to read them. It would be the same password (unless I feel that it contains information that I only want some people to read. These posts would most likely be of suicidal nature that I don’t want to freak someone out and call the cops on me.)
Let me know how you feel about this. I know that my readership will most likely be down, but I need to do this because I still want this to be my outlet for my frustrated feelings, anger, and depressed thoughts as well as my suicidality, which is why I created this blog in the first place. I know I could just write some where else these “toxic” feelings but it is hard as this has been my source of support and some of it does help people in knowing they are not alone with chronic pain and depression and suicidal thoughts/feelings.
I have protected my posts on Twitter. I am not sure anyone can see them anymore. I know that people that follow me cannot retweet what I write. I really hated doing this but it will only be for a short while when I think I will be free from being monitored. I am really upset over this intrusion of my venting and it being used against me, like there are only nurses at this particular hospital and none of the other hospitals in and around Boston. This is how narrow minded this doctor was and he had the gall to call me a “Trumpian”. This angered me so damn much I had a breakdown after our meeting. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so angry and frustrated. One of the nice mental health workers came into my room to talk to me. She didn’t know exactly what was going on but tried to reassure me this didn’t affect future care at the hospital. I think it is so stupid. I emailed my psychiatrist, who probably just blew it off as me venting steam. I am not sure if the doctor emailed my psychiatrist and told her what I was writing. I would have filed a complaint but usually that doesn’t get anything changed. He was one of the higher ups so my complaint would most likely be thrown in the trash and my record possibly flagged as not to be admitted anymore at that hospital, which is fine with me.
The day before discharge, I had a meeting with my sister and social worker via the phone. OMG it was so fucking terrible. My sister basically verbally abused me. I won’t repeat what was said. I just felt like no matter how much I tried to tell her how much pain I was in and how I needed to recover afterwards, she didn’t hear me at all. She wanted me to go through my stuff while I was recovering from my appointments or anything else that caused my pain to keep me up all night and just stay in bed. I felt so horrible after the meeting which was the same day I was spoke to about my blog. I was just waiting for number three incident to complete the three’s. Thankfully it never happened. I was in so much pain though from being emotionally tapped out. Since I have been home, I have not seen my sister. She asked my mother if I was home but did not come to my room to even say hi to me and her voice toward my mother was kind of testy, like I didn’t belong here at all. I swear she is just like my bastard father. She called me selfish but that is just a projection. The social worker really understood what I go through at home. During the phone call, I wanted to hang up so fucking bad. I wanted to talk to my sister about her use of pronouns but I didn’t think it would be worthwhile. I had an agenda but it totally backfired as I just had to go through my stuff no matter what or how I feel. I really feel unwanted.
So for those reading along, please let me know if you would be willing to read my blogs that are password protected or if you just want me to write like I have been even though it might ruffle some feathers at the stupid hospital I was at.
2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart
I saw my psych today and the first thing she said to me was “have a mustache.” I laughed. I had taken a selfie while at the bus stop and when it popped up on my timeline on FB, I really noticed it being darker than it was even a week ago. Sometimes it is the small things you don’t notice right away. I sort of have been in a gender incongruent/dysphoric mood today as I feel like my breasts are a thousand pounds each. Also feeling bloated doesn’t help. I am not sure why I am bloated as I haven’t eaten gassy foods today, unless it is leftover gas from the burrito I had last night. I am just uncomfortable with my body right now and I don’t like it. I loathe myself so much right now.
My appointment kind of went as planned, with the exception of the hospital being my choice. She is insisting on me going in the hospital next week when my sisters come home. I told her to please find out of the psych unit prescribes pain medication because if they don’t, there will be problems. I most certainly won’t be going in if I can’t have pain meds. I am to call her Tuesday so she can find out about beds as we sort of agreed on a Wed admission. I honestly don’t know if things will be better by then. I doubt it as I am getting closer and closer to an attempt. We didn’t discuss the means, thank god. But she is not letting this get worse as it already has been.
I have already packed a bag. I just need to see if I packed shorts because I don’t want to be hot as the temps have been climbing up. I also need to make sure I have extra underwear as I have been leaking a lot more than usual lately. The increase in the pain meds have caused more retention than I expected. I am still hoping it will level off but who knows when that will be. It has been a few weeks since I started the new dose so maybe a few weeks more as my body adjusts. Course this also goes with how many breakthrough meds I have been taking as that also causes retention. I honestly don’t get the signal to pee until I am practically ready to burst. This is due to the nerve damage caused by cauda equina syndrome. Even though it has been more than 10 years, I still have damage that is permanent.
After I left my psych’s office and was on the way to the train home, I got hit with the biggest heart ache. It hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. It has been bad like this the past three or four days now. I really don’t know what brings it on. But I guess that is the nature of psychache, just comes on when you least expect it. Then when I came home and got into my PJs, my damn ankle exploded in pain. Pain got worse as I have been typing this blog. I was getting hungry so just had a protein bar. I was going to have Nutella on a flour tortilla but doesn’t look like that will be happening. I hope I can sleep tonight. My psych was astounded when I told her I had 5 shots of espresso. I can handle it, though I probably should have had four. I don’t think it will keep me up as much as the pain will. I am already experiencing sensory overload as noises have been bothering me. My mother is playing her dice game in the kitchen. I swear I’d like to toss them in the trash one day. Fucking hate the noise!! Nothing worse than hard plastic hitting glass. And she seems to be playing it whenever she is in the kitchen now, with the blasted TV at full volume. I just want to die and I know the night is only going to get worse between my psychache and physical pain.
2019May06 Monday Blues
I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep around 0330 and then woke up either every hour or every two. I finally gave up around noon, which by then I had pissed off two people. So ya, my day is going great and I feel frustrated and sad on top of my suicidal self. Now I just got two emails from my doctor’s office saying they approved and denied my medication request for renewal. I called the office and the new coordinator said she will have him get back to me.
Before I went to bed at 330, I emailed my psych saying that although I appreciate the close contact I have with her concerning my suicidality, I am okay and I don’t want to call her. She writes back that I “run the show!” Now sure what that is supposed to me. I don’t know if she is upset with me or not. I told her I will see her Friday and that I will call if something urgent comes up. I feel like an asshole and I don’t know why. I really am not okay and maybe she knows that but is going with it because I said so. I don’t know. I am still having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming and the feelings that go with it are getting to be too much for me to handle. I am still contained, as the hospital would say.
I wanted to go out today but because I didn’t have a good sleep, I decided not to. I made coffee at home as I needed it. I just had one cup. My face is still feeling smooth so I didn’t shave. I just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I forgot to do it yesterday. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. It is hard doing ADLs some days.
It’s a nice day. While I was in the kitchen, I opened the back door to let some air in the house. I want to open my bedroom window but it will take some doing as I probably will cause an avalanche. I have no idea how I accumulated shit there. It was cleared off when my brother in law took out the window sometime in October. I am going to try and clean out my hamper that is just a holding bin right now. I got a set of fleece sheets in there. I think I will wash them so I can put them on my bed when I clear off my bed to change them. I can’t go overboard today because I have PT tomorrow. If I do too much today, I am going to have a flare Wednesday and that won’t be good. I really don’t want to have another suicidal flare. I think it will send me off the edge.
I got such a heavy heart today and I don’t know why. It has been this way past four days now. It is a mix of anguish and despair. I feel hopeless that things will get better. I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. Part of me knows this isn’t true but it has been going on for months now and seems to just be getting worse. I am seriously thinking of going back on an antidepressant but every time I think about it, I think of the side effects and I just don’t want to deal. The one my psych wants to put me on has nausea as the most prominent side effect. Nearly everyone I know that has been on it has gotten sick the first week of starting it. I am not sure I can last a week of feeling nauseous all the time. I do have Zofran to help with it, if need be but I don’t want to be taking a med to counteract the other med. I did that with the other antipsychotic I was on. I don’t want to do it again. It is a trial and error. It could not have any effect on me.
Since getting up, I have been thinking of going in the hospital. I have been ambivalent about going in. I am weighing the pros and cons, which right now, it is mostly cons, starting with at least a 12 hour stay in the emergency room waiting for a bed. I most like will have to change into their clothes, which is like scrubs. The hard part is trying to leave the house without someone noticing I am leaving with my backpack and duffle bag. Probably the only way is to leave the house really early in the morning before my sisters leave for work. I just have to remember to grab my journal in my every day backpack. I feel like I should bring my power cords just in case I don’t go to the hospital I prefer.
Doesn’t look like I will be doing anything today as I need to take a nap. Maybe later in the evening I will when I can’t sleep. God I feel so horrible. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better.