in a grumpy mood today

In a grumpy mood today

I am not feeling well today. I feel tired and my back has been spazzing up a storm all day, probably because of the hurricanes that are passing through the east coast. Either way, I am not feeling good. I made breakfast and it hurt. I could barely clean up afterwards. Luckily my sister cleaned up for me as she wanted to cook something and needed the space. I put my stuff away and then went up to my room to relax a bit. My sister made nachos so when they were done, I went back downstairs to have them. They were so good! I really liked it.

I shaved and showered today which took some energy from me. I felt tired and my back was cramping. I went up stairs to relax and I took a nap. I had taken some medicine to stop the cramping and it makes me tired so I slept. Then my sister’s loud mouth woke me up a couple of hours later. I didn’t like this. My mother called me saying she wanted to talk to me and I had to get up to pee so I talked to her. I told her I was tired. Things that shouldn’t tire me out tire me out. I have no energy for things. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I couldn’t because I showered. Maybe tomorrow I will go before my therapy appointment.

I should write down stuff I want to talk about tomorrow for therapy so I have something to talk about. I just don’t know what to talk about. I hate this. I hate when I can’t think of something to say and the therapist doesn’t ask questions about things either. I hate that. Yesterday I had a dream that I almost slept through the appointment. I woke up at the time I was supposed to meet so I was scrambling to get on the laptop.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I might give it tonight if I am up around midnight. If not it will be in the morning I will give myself the shot. I might post some before and after pics later. I haven’t done that in a long time, mostly because there hasn’t been much change going on. I still don’t have a full beard. And I don’t have enough of a connection to have a goatee in place.

The weather has cooled off. I am grateful it has. I love the cooler weather. I can’t believe how tired I have been the past few days. All I have been doing is laying down and sleeping. I might wake up during the middle of the night to pee and then stay up for an hour or two because I can’t go back to sleep right away. That stinks because it throws me off and makes me more tired during the day. I had coffee today and then I took a nap. Then I showered and my sister made nachos and then I napped again. I know I am still recovering from surgery but damn, the feeling of being tired has to stop. I am tired of being tired. I am three weeks post op. Tomorrow I need to empty my recycling. It is getting full. I should dump my trash as well. I still need to break down the Amazon boxes that are in my room. I have a lot. I don’t know how they accumulated.

I got to lay down again. Back is acting up. UGH I can’t even blog for more than a half hour now. This sucks!

Saturday Blog 12092020

Saturday Blog 12092020

I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.

I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.

College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.

Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.

A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.

Sunday Blog 16082020

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.

Ankle Pain and Other Things

Ankle pain and other things

Ankle started acting up around 2000. I just came back from the bathroom. I ignored it a little bit but in the end I had to take something for the pain. I couldn’t concentrate it was so bad. I couldn’t read Twitter and learn of the announcement of the VP choice by Biden. I am so happy for Harris. I really like her. She is tough and I think she will make a good VP if elected. I am so fricken worried with the electoral college going to the buffoon instead of who it needs to go to. I hate the electoral college. It’s archaic and should be done with. The popular vote should count. It is all we need. I hope when Biden is in office the college is dismantled.

Sox are sucking tonight. The Rays have scored every inning so far. Pitching sucks so bad. But then we got rid of all our good pitchers and haven’t replaced them so we are just working with those that haven’t been in the big league level before. We got a pitcher but then he went to the “alternative” site for whatever reason. I don’t understand why that happened. He should have made it to the majors. But I am not the GM. I hope he will get called up soon. We need fresh arms.

It hit 90 by the time I got up at 1400. I slept late because I was up in the middle of the night to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I did get up around 0930 to take my morning meds. Then I went back to sleep. I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds are ready. I asked my niece to pick it up but she didn’t so will have to go tomorrow. My mother and sister made chicken cacciatore so I had some of that for dinner. It was a bit thick because my sister didn’t put enough water in it but it tasted good. It will be really good tomorrow as leftovers.

Pollen count has been high the past two days so I have been suffering. My nose was so itchy yesterday and I had the sneezes that never end. Today was more of the same. My nose is so sore from wiping it all day. I hope the count is lower tomorrow when I go out. Grass pollen I am allergic to in this area so I much rather avoid it if possible. I go into my kitchen and sneeze when I am in my room away from the pollen. I hate summer so much. I hate the heat and humidity more than anything. I am grateful I have a somewhat working AC. I need a new one that is energy efficient. I want to get a smart one so I can turn it on through my phone when I am out and am coming home so the room is cool. They are expensive though.

I talk with my therapist tomorrow. She is on vacation next week. A friend asked what will I do if I start having a hard time while she is gone. I told her I have hotlines and the emergency room as my only option, which means I am basically on my own. I rarely use the hotlines and won’t now that I know they will call the cops on you if they think you are serious about being suicidal. No thank you. There is one that doesn’t call so I might call that one. I just hate they don’t have a text number. I would have to actually talk on the phone, something I don’t like doing much of. I will get through whatever crisis on my own. I always do.