Tough past few days
The past few days have been tough. Monday I had physical therapy and the exercises wore me out. I had to take a nap after the session. Yesterday I went food shopping and that wore me out. I hate feeling so tired after doing something. I did my exercises but I couldn’t do one of them with my left ankle/foot. It was just too weak to complete the tasks. I haven’t done the exercises yet for today. I plan on doing them when I am in the kitchen. It is easier doing them there than in my bedroom. Monday I need to do the PT via zoom because I have a webinar to attend and the times conflict with going. I am looking forward to this webinar as it is about psychotherapy integration. It is free which is the best part!
Yesterday I had therapy and it went well. We talked about what I wrote and she is willing to listen to whatever I want to talk about even if it is about my medical stuff. I am glad she doesn’t want to end things with me. She wants me to come up with some things to work on. My mind is blank. I have no idea what I want to work on. I wrote some stuff down. It was only two things I could think of but it is a start. I think working on interrupting the thoughts ->plan->action when I get suicidal would be good to disrupt. Just hope it will be good enough to talk about. I hate being put on the spot trying to come up with this stuff. But as long as I have something it is better than nothing.
I am freaking out because the Ride called and they are picking me up an hour early so I am planning on taking my book with me. It will be uncomfortable to sit for an hour and then have my session with my PT but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I can call in the morning and see if they can pick me up later. I am getting up early just so I can shower. I just hope it won’t be humid in the morning. I hate humidity. I got so overwhelmed I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I just was so unraveled about being an hour early. I don’t function in the morning so this is going to be interesting. If I have at least one cup of coffee I will be good. If I don’t have any coffee, that will be bad. I can go to the store though. There is a coffee shop up the street. I can get donuts there! Yes, I will be early and get donuts. And read my book!
Sunday Blog 05072020
I woke up late. I didn’t want to wake up. I took my morning meds and then went back to sleep for more than four hours. I had woken up in the middle of the night, twice, to pee so I was tired. I don’t understand why I had to wake up so damn early in the morning when I cathed before I went to bed. This annoys me to no end. I didn’t have that much to drink after I took my night meds. Drives me crazy that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee because my kidneys work. I am grateful that they do but wish they would slack off so I can sleep.
I was hungry but didn’t feel like cooking when I got up at 1430. I made a tuna sandwich. I used my last can of tuna so my next grocery order. My cousin is taking me shopping Tues so I will pick some up then, if I remember. I have to make a list of stuff I need to get. I know I want roast beef and burgers. And steak. I can’t forget steak. I have it at least once a month.
I did my med boxes for the week. I filled up the bottles that needed it. I had been winding down the bottles for the end of the month and I finally used it all. I put the bottles in recycle. I need to take down my recycle. I would have done it yesterday but I don’t think there is space as my sister had a BBQ. I might have to put them in the end of the week after the bins are empty.
I made iced coffee when I got up at 1430. It was good. I love that my Keurig makes it. It is so easy. Just fill a mug with ice and let it pour, mix with cream and sugar. And boom. Iced coffee. So good. I like the Peet’s dark roast that I have. It is really good iced. I like it better iced than hot. I of course have my Starbucks coffee that I will make either hot or iced. Lately everything has been iced because it is too hot for hot coffee.
Tomorrow I have PT. I should be getting a call in a few hours saying what time my ride will be picking me up. Hope it isn’t too early like last week. I had to wait a half hour last time because it was so early. And I couldn’t wait in the waiting room because of social distancing. I really hope PT helps my endurance levels because it totally sucks that I can’t do anything without being short of breath. It makes me sad that I don’t have the energy I once did.
Feeling sad about many things
I went to the BBQ my sister was having. My niece had a few friends over and the neighbors next store came over with their award winning macaroni and cheese. OMG this mac and cheese is so outstanding! I was talking with my neighbor about things and then my med alarm went off saying I had to take my 4pm med. I said I had to take a pill and I will be back but I went upstairs and couldn’t catch my breath. I was so winded. I became depressed because I hate that I am so deconditioned. I even went slow on the stairs but it didn’t matter. My heart rate went berserk. I had to rest. I had to charge my phone as well so it was just as well that I stay in my room.
I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I finally got past the first part where there was rap. I can’t stand rap. It didn’t seem to bother me so much today. I really like this musical. I am debating on signing up to Disney Plus so I can watch the movie. I am not a huge movie person so I seriously have to decide to sign up for it. Hulu was giving a package deal of $12.99 for that stream, ESPN+, and some other stream provider. I might sign up for it just to watch some sports. The soundtrack has come to the end and I am in awe! This was such a great musical to hear. I nearly cried when Hamilton’s son died. Then he dies close to where his son did. Such a great story.
I have felt so down about not having energy like I used to have. I feel so weak and I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like a slug. I can only move slowly and if I try to move at “normal” speed I get more fatigued than anything. I know I will regain my strength one day but it isn’t coming any time soon and that bothers me. I should be more compassionate towards myself but I find it hard to be that way. I just feel so useless. I can’t even shower without feeling the need to sit down several times to rest my back. It is driving me mad.
I don’t know if I will come out of this depression that I am in. Seems like it isn’t worth it. I keep coming back to this and it is getting so tiring. I am not sure what gets me into these funks but I am 100% certain they are the same thing just hitting me at different points in time. Sometimes I have physical symptoms and other times I will just have the mental anguish. I am having the mental anguish now. I don’t think life is worth living. I think I will be better off dead. I don’t see the point in living but I keep going just because I just can’t stop. I surrender to the thoughts but don’t act on them. I never act on them and my therapist wonders why I don’t. I wish I knew the answer. I might just be afraid of dying or failing to kill myself. It is one of these two and I am not sure which one it is.
Reading Friday and other things
I finally got a copy of “how to be an antiracist”. I started reading it today. I really want to be antiracist. I know racism exists even though I think I am not a racist. The book White Fragility taught me that. That is another good book to read.
I had PT yesterday and the first thing she noticed was my facial hair. She congratulated me on getting it. I told her there was a bald spot I have been trying to grow for months now and she said to just keep shaving it. So I guess that is what I am going to do when I get sick of having facial hair. I also noticed that having facial hair can bring facial hair so I am hoping this time around more hair sprouts.
I talked with my cousin last night. I asked him if he would take me shopping and he said yes. I will be going after my therapy appointment Tues. I hope to get some steak while there and maybe some burgers. I will get the frozen kind so that I don’t have to worry about them going bad in the fridge. The Bubba burgers are good to get. I also want to get roast beef from the deli and some pulled pork as I haven’t had it in a while.
Someone on Twitter said something about getting nugs from McD’s and I had to get some. Now I am so full that I won’t be having dinner with my mother. She is making fish tonight. I ordered a fish sandwich so I am good. I shouldn’t have ordered a cheeseburger but I did. I couldn’t finish all the nugs. I am glad I didn’t order fries.
I just called to get a ride to PT for Monday and found out all the rides are free right now. That is cool. I don’t have to worry about payments. I was worried I would have to put some money on today because I had booked the ride yesterday and knew there wouldn’t be enough for Monday’s trip. But I don’t have to pay. I wish someone had told me this sooner. I hope the ride doesn’t pick me up earlier like they did yesterday. I had to wait a half hour so I went to Walgreens to get some soap to wash my face. I just hope it helps with the acne that I have.
I got no response from my therapist on the message I sent her. I hope that we can talk about it when I see her Tues. I knew she wouldn’t respond but I was hoping that she would. We have a lot to talk about. I just hope that I am heard and not criticized for what I say. I was straight talking in the message about how things are and how I feel. I really hope she gets what I am saying.