Ocean 2

Ocean

This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.

I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.

My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.

I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.

I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.

High levels of pain and new development

My pain level for most of the day has been a 14 since 4 am when I woke up to pee. Ankle/foot have been either together or alternating with the pain. Either my ankle joint is being hacked with an axe, foot bones are being crushed, or now an “L” shaped pain has started which totally prevents me from moving the damn thing. I just want to die and I am racking my brain on how to do it seeing as how I was going to do it didn’t pan out and didn’t work.

Today I found that I have diminished feeling in my privates. I can get slightly aroused but either have a weak orgasm or none at all, which is frustrating. I know I don’t talk about sex that much on here but the disc that is doing whatever to my bladder nerves also controls the nerves to the other parts of my genitalia. Although I wish to have no relationship with it, I have no choice because nerve damage will make phalloplasty difficult so I’ve choose not to have bottom surgery. However, now that this stupid disc is wreaking havoc on these nerves, I might as well not have a sex life of masturbation or with someone of my choosing. Thanks Cauda Equina Syndrome for really fucking up my life, and not in a good way.

As the compression seems to be causing slow diminished effects it is hard to know what level this injury is coming from. It is making me so damn suicidal. But like I said I need to find a way to do it. I still have the ginger plan. It is just finding the ginger to do the trick. I am going to try ginger beer next. Or a ginger shot that I found on Amazon. Sent a pic to my therapist and she got upset with me. Oh well.

I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. She wants to know what my neurosurgeon says. I am thinking I probably will have to get a new MRI with contrast. I am going to suggest that an IV be placed so access is there. Otherwise, because I am a hard stick, it might be difficult to administer the contrast. My only worry right now is what effect this is going to have on my bowels. Right now I am backed up so I am kind of grateful for that but I need dynamite to get the shit out. OT has suggested Miralax so I am trying that. I am also wondering if the back pain is being masked because of the pain meds I take. Today while looking for a book my back flared up but sort of settled down. Then I was standing doing something when pain said to sit. I’ve been sitting with pain since then but it isn’t above a 4. If it was higher, then surgery would be next on my mind.

I really like my therapist (ptx) even though she is a hard ass. She pushes me and I like that about her. Also, I really didn’t think I had bullshit but she says I do. She wants to keep me on track of what we talk about and stay on it, not derail because I am feeling emotions about it. I am driving her nuts with the text thing. So I’ve decided to send the worrisome stuff to my alt phone so it is out of my system/head.

I can’t really the last time I had a number 2. I was going good for a while now I’ve stopped again. I hate constipation. You might think this is gross or maybe something not to talk about but this is what I deal with and shit I deal with goes on my blog. You don’t like it, find something else to read. I am scared of this development. The whole purpose of not going through phalloplasty was cause I liked my clit a lot. If it is no longer going to work then I am not sure what I am going to do. A sex life isn’t important to me but I’d still like one if it should present itself. If I should find a female I like and we hit it off i don’t want it to end because i can’t function. I never dreamed of having someone long term in my life but i do want someone to cuddle with.

If you are reading this and it cause discomfort due to issues of sexual abuse or something, please let me know and I will place a trigger warning so someone else doesn’t.

Trans issues 27.7.19

I can’t wait for top surgery. Things on chest are giving me such a hard time. I feel so ugly and humiliated. This isn’t me when I see them.

Kind of worried with the CRPS on left side. That is the side my left ankle is affected. The way they described how they cut the nerve to the nipple makes me nervous. I could lose feeling but that isn’t a major concern for me. I just want the fucking things off!! The right one might be more of a problem as it is bigger. Swear I have an orange on left and a small watermelon on right. And fuckers are heavy. But it might be that I just hate them so damn much. Worst part is they have become hairy which really bothers me. Becoming a man is so hard. Makes you feel really fucked because you aren’t congruent with how you feel.

The major thing is getting these things off. I would tomorrow if I could but I am being “selfish” waiting for the damn construction of the house to start and finish. I thought it would at least be started but it hasn’t. I haven’t asked my sister for fear of another argument. Been doing small stuff in my room as it is all I can handle.

Yesterday just putting groceries away flared my back up. It really scared me as I couldn’t touch my back without it hurting. I haven’t had that bad of pain since getting cauda equina syndrome x2. I have no red flag symptoms but I didn’t last time. I lost function of my bladder today. Things with it have been messed up since the middle of May. I moved to sit up and reached for my laptop which wasn’t too far from my grasp when urine squirted out. Luckily it wasn’t too much, but freaked me out. That was how I got CES (cauda equina syndrome) the second time. I had severe back pain and then started leaking more than I usually do. The disc was a different level than the first. And according to the surgeon it was huge. He had no idea how I was still walking. Been having intrusive memories most of the night and right now as I am describing it. I’ve never really talked about how I felt about it. I knew what I had and just focused on getting better, making sure I didn’t do what I did the first time, which was basically not having a clue what to do or who to see. I didn’t go to Spaulding, which is a huge rehab hospital because I’ve dealt with their lab and just thought all the people there didn’t know what they were doing. I was wrong and I am glad I was as i got a terrific PT now for my CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) stuff.

I hope doing all the things I’ve been doing doesn’t cause me to blow a disc that is already herniated. I have herniated discs from levels L2-S1, worse at L5-S1 and again at L2-3 where I had CES x2. My first diagnosis was at level L4-L5. I fear if I have surgery again, I might need a fusion and I’ve heard bad stories about them. No one I know has found relief from them. And the stuff I read was fusions were only to be done on the neck, not the lower vertebrae. That is why I never want to have it done. I’d rather be in pain, but if other stuff is going on like loss of bowel/bladder, weakness in lower extremity, numbness from anywhere waist down (including saddle area and sex organs), then I will consider it. But only if I have a capable surgeon one who has done them a lot of times and have had success with them. I don’t want a neurosurgeon who only does the brain or pituitary gland. The whole thing scares me.

When I was able to see my therapist again (the 16yr one), she kept on telling me I went through a trauma. I stay away from that fucking word so much. I denied it tooth and nail until I started having PTSD symptoms. To this day I cannot go near the 3rd floor of the hospital where I worked. That is where the operating rooms were. I always wanted to see them but not as a patient!

I sent my psych an email about the top surgery and how I felt about it. She will sign me off on it but I really want to have a discussion with her before she does, just to make sure I am ready and she knows I am ready. It is a huge deal and I’ve gone back and forth with it in my mind. From i am attached and what will it mean to not have them there to seeing a man’s chest and saying I want that. I want to be flat and not have these things. I tell you, when they started developing, it threw me for a fucking loop. I thought getting my menses was bad. Nope. Having things grow was not what I wanted. Then to have a mother molest you because of “concern” more than once because one was bigger than the other and sending me to see a cosmetic surgeon when I was 13, fucked with me so fucking bad. I was so embarrassed this male doctor was talking to my mother about it but it would be when I was older. I nearly wanted to fucking die on the spot. I didn’t want them to be the same, I wanted them fucking gone!! I had already started hating my mother since I was 10. This just added to it more. Makes me feel so ashamed I have them and aside from cutting them off, there is nothing else I can do. Makes me feel really depressed, like I am in this pit I can never get out of.

But none of this matters if my CRPS pain isn’t controlled better. I have a date planned to end it. I am trying so hard not to think about it as I want to see my psych again. At the same time, while the cat’s away, the mice will play keeps running through my mind.

gender dysphoria flares again

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.