I had a hard session in therapy Monday. We talked about mourning my mother for not being the mother I needed. It was hard realizing this is what I have to do to get past all these negative emotions I have about my mother. Right now she is in the hospital with either pneumonia or fluid around her heart and lungs and I just can’t deal. I was worried when she wasn’t up when I got up this morning but I didn’t think she had pneumonia. Her sugars were extremely high yesterday, so high that her monitor couldn’t give a number. I care for her as another human being but it is hard when I don’t get respect. The hospital called me to get her medication list and I was deadnamed and I am sure misgendered as well. I was probably called daughter as well. It’s things like this that hurt so much.
I also talked about the weight clinic and how my weight is keeping me from completing my transition. I wrote this on Twitter the other night: “In a frank mood right now. Kind of depressed and suicidal. All because I am a woman who desperately wants to be a man. I’ve dreamt of the day I would get these fucking things off my chest but b/c of a BMI I can’t have surgery. Which leaves me feeling suicidal. People always talk about saving trans lives but they never look at what is in the way of transitioning. I need to be a certain weight for me to be who I am. Totally sexist and discriminatory. I have weight issues and body issues. Going to a weight clinic seems shameful to me. Which only adds to me calling me a fat fuck who should die. Going to a weight clinic is not going to solve the BMI issue when losing weight already fucks with my head. Need to lose weight shit I will starve myself to that end before going to a clinic. And who’s to say once I lose the weight there won’t be another issue to prevent me from being a man? But apparently I can get my uterus out without a problem. Breasts seem to be an issue all the time. I just don’t know if my suicidality will end up killing me before I am a certain BMI.”
It fricken sucks that a number is keeping me from transitioning to a man. I told my therapist I would have my pcp make the referral to the weight clinic and see what they say. She reiterated to me that they are not my family and so wouldn’t abuse or shame me. I am so scared of doing this because of these reasons. I hope that I don’t have to become a salad eater to lose the weight I need to lose. I can only eat salad with a ton of dressing on it. I really like spinach salads but my mother always ends up boiling the spinach on me no matter how many times I tell her not to. She drives me crazy.
I have a UTI that I am waiting to be treated for. I hope they will treat me. I am going to call in a half hour if they don’t call me first. I need to know because peeing hurts so bad and I am going every two fricken hours. I feel so depressed about this. I have been in pain with this infection for the past ten days and I am sick of it. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to respond. I hate waiting. I really do.
Back on Twitter.
I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.
I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,
I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”
I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.
My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.
I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.
Don’t call me daughter 6
Yesterday I was in the kitchen with my mother and I was in a mood. I wasn’t feeling so great and just wanted to do what I needed to and go back to my room. My mother was there and asked what was wrong. She wanted me to talk to her. Fuck that. She lost that right when she refused to call me son. From now on I will correct her when she is misgendering me. But I am not going to talk to her for any reason other than what goes on in the house. I am not going to talk to her like I did before about my ailments and doctor appointments. She is getting to be the egg donor and if that is what it takes to cut off feelings from her then so be it.
I’ve been having a hard time with the cramps. I don’t know if they are uterine or bladder related but as an experiment, I cathed and felt relief at first only to have severe pain afterwards. I don’t know what to make of it and I have cathed since. Taking a double dose of Miralax was a bad idea. I had colon blow and woke up with crap in my pants. Luckily, I didn’t get any on the bed. I had to shower and what is worse my mother had to use the bathroom so I was so embarrassed. I need to time taking it right. Thing is it is so unpredictable when it works. It could be a few hours or could be a day. There is no time table to expect when to go.
I am still have cramps and being really down about it. I called my gyn to make an appointment for the exam. It is in May. I see the uro NP this week so I am going to tell her and ask for a urine culture to be done just to be sure I don’t have an infection that could be causing this. I really am not looking forward to surgery again but there is little choice I have. Once the offending organ is gone is should be apparent what is causing what. I doubled my bladder spasms pill yesterday to see if it would help and it did a little bit. Maybe this is bladder related. I won’t know until the uterus is gone. I got my bladder on a schedule again. I didn’t want to do it but I have gone past the six hours I am supposed to go. I can’t keep holding on to my urine for so long. It could be why I have spasms as well.
I wonder if my mother is ashamed of me and that is why she doesn’t want to call me son. It would make sense. I don’t get the sense she is proud of me. I just don’t understand why she can’t accept her child. This bothers me so much. When you bring it up to her, she is dismissive. Then I think about all the abuse she put me through and it just makes me so sad and angry. She used her trust as a mother to do her evil bidding of abusing and touching me when she had no right to touch or look. I get mad at my pediatrician who documented all these things and didn’t do a damn thing about it.
I’ve been listening to “tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift since noon time. Just a damn good song. I went to PT. It went well. I had to get some dry needling on my shoulder because it became hard as a rock. I need to put some heat on it later. We discussed Covid and she said there was a conditioning program that my PCP can refer me to so that I can get my strength back. I said I would get the referral when I got home.
After PT, I went to the square to get my ATM card to my name instead of my dead name. It took about a half hour. The weather got colder and there were snow flurries. I got a wrap at the grocery store so I would have something to eat for my dinner. It was a good turkey with brie and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite kind of wrap.
I am in my room and I am freezing. I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I am totally exhausted. My legs are killing me. Today is my niece’s birthday but I don’t think I am going to go to her party as it isn’t until 7 and I am really tired right now. I just told my sister I wasn’t going down for cake. I am too tired. I am having bladder cramps and they are really bad. I came close to having cath tonight because it had been more than 6 hours since I last voided. I am not in a good space right now. I feel like my body is failing me and I am so upset with the gender dysphoria of having cramps that feel like period cramps. I still don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder giving me these cramps. But it is going on three days now.
I bought some BZK wipes in case I do have to cath. Least I can wipe myself and not have to worry so much about getting an infection. I just put them in the bathroom. I feel like the cramps are my fault that I should have gone to the bathroom sooner or something but if anything the cramps should be going away now that my bladder is empty and it is not. I am so frustrated that I can’t tell if it is my uterus or not. I shouldn’t have a uterus to begin with for fucks sake. I really need to see the gyn so I can get a hysterectomy and be done with it. The dysphoria I am having with these stupid cramps is horrible. I really just want to die. I want to act on my thoughts. I won’t though for the sole reason this will pass, eventually. I am going to call the gyn tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appointment to see her for the female exam that I hate so much. I am overdue for the test and she needs to do a pre op exam. I am not looking forward to this exam at all. But I can’t put it off anymore. The cramping needs to stop.