Category Archives: transgender

Foot is driving me nutso!!

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2100. My mother wasn’t up in her room yet. I called to see if she was ok as with the AC on, I can’t hear things. She was okay. Her sugars had stabilized.

I got a blog that I read and wished I didn’t. It was about the lesbian protests or something like that in London during the Pride parade. What gets me is that anytime transgender is mentioned, it is almost always having to do with transwomen. I know I cannot be the only transman in the world. I know one came out in the Navy. I know there is another fellow in Oregon. We talk occasionally. We can’t be the only ones out there. So why isn’t it out there?? I just feel alone and invisible.

Then I started talking about suicide and someone tried guilt tripping me. I call it what it is and they say it is on me. Really? I will be fucking dead. How will I know what will happen to my family?? Am I supposed to be a ghost or something? Pissed me off.

My foot felt like it was in a pressure cooker. Then it felt like it was being crushed. Now my big toe is hurting big time. I call uncle, except I don’t think it works. I found my very last breakthrough med. Tomorrow I got to call and have them change the order and make sure the count is so I can take more than 1 a day. Otherwise the pharmacy won’t fill it and I’ll chop my fucking ankle off.

I will need a shower tomorrow. I hate showering. I need to shave my head to keep it bald. Also need to do a touch up of shaving because I missed some spots. My foot isn’t going to be happy. Then I got PT. Oh joy. Yes the curative physical therapy to increase mobility. This is interesting as I haven’t moved my damned ankle in 17 fucking years. It is a fucking joke. Oh and the damn pain clinic refuses to use CRPS. I have left ankle/foot pain. Can I bring a bat to my next appt and clobber them over the head?? Not to kill them, just to knock some sense in them or make them read my damn medical record that says why I need prescription pain medication. Fucking assholes.

I am done trying to say to them what I need. I have a better chance of winning the lottery. My foot is screaming. It is too late for gaba. I need to be up early enough to call the assholes and hope it doesn’t take a week to change the order. I can’t believe I was stupid and didn’t read it before I left. Ugh. Live and learn I guess.

Maybe 300 mg of gaba to calm some of it down. My PT is going to be unhappy with me. I’ve only done home exercises about 3 times. I couldn’t do it the 1st two days after our last session because my thigh hurt too much. Thursday I did it. Friday I was off to asshole’s office. Saturday I slept all day. Today I was in a fuck it mood.ok so what is that just one time? Oops I can’t count. We’ll just say 3 times. I probably am not going to see her anymore anyway. I really don’t want to. I think it is pointless to see her for my ankle/foot. I saw her before and I was in too much pain. And without breakthrough meds, forget it. I am tired of working through the pain.

I have no life. Just doc appts. I can’t remember a day I went to the Square just for fun, to have my espresso and write. Hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe February when I was trying to write the story in my head. It is gone now. Why bother writing it when I am going to die soon?

Part of me is trying to hang around. But with every painful flare, it gets less and less. Just do it runs through my head. Someday soon. I hope. Just do it…

hard decision but had to be done

Hard decision but had to be done

I had an upcoming appointment with the LGBT clinic for going forward with the transition. A month or so ago the doc had called me wanting to talk to me about making sure my pain was well controlled before starting testosterone. I wasn’t hopeful that things were going to move forward and I had already made plans for my demise. The following week I had the pain doc appt and was told of the med change. I am still fricken waiting for the med change so I figure why bother going forward with transition when a) my pain isn’t going to be relieved and b) I am just going to die anyway. I canceled the appointment. It was extremely hard and didn’t think it affected me until I wrote it out in a tweet. I started crying at the loss that I will continue to be someone I am not.

It hurts more than my CRPS pain to continue to live in this stupid effing body. I know testosterone wouldn’t change my bone structure and even with phallic surgery, I would still be a female. I just hate that I won’t have more facial hair and other stuff to make me a male.

I been having a rough day with pain. I am so tired, physically, from dealing with it. I forced myself to go to the grocery store for some pulled pork. It was well worth the pseudo asthma attack I got with the stinking pollen. I had to have my cousin take me home because I knew walking just wasn’t going to happen. I would hurt so bad and I knew my breathing would have gotten worse. Even while I was home, I showered and I was wheezing while drying off. I had to use my mother’s inhaler to clear my lungs. I’ve never had allergies this bad before. I know the pollen is bad, which doesn’t help. I do take an allergy med and a nasal spray, which I didn’t take this morning. I should have but I usually just take it at night. I honestly didn’t think nothing of it until I was having trouble breathing and I got so congested that I am nearly puking my iced coffee.

Pain was so severe while I was home. I’ve been taking my pain meds but not the strong pill. Mostly because I haven’t had a bowel movement since fricken Sunday. Never fails that I am regular for a few days and then everything stops. I am hurting so bad it is hard to breath. I am just so full and uncomfortable. I had two sandwiches of pulled pork and a chicken cutlet for dinner.

For some reason I was craving pineapple juice. I went downstairs to my sister’s to steal some. I also checked the mail. My correct postcards for my book promotion came in the mail. I posted a pic on Facebook. A dear friend was kind enough to say send her some and she will distribute them where she lives. She works in the mental health field and is so supportive of everything I do. We met ten years ago at a conference and became instant friends. It was funny, we were in a session panel and there was a speaker with a thick accent. I think she was Danish or some European country. I don’t know exactly. We both liked the accent, though it was hard to hear her. We made notes to each other on the notebook that the association had given to us. I still have that notebook with our notes! HAHA. We were just some weirdos that clicked really well.

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

I started off with a good day. I made lunch as I woke up around noon. I had one of the steakhouse burgers I bought. I have one left, which I hope will still be good tomorrow. Then I showered and my ankle was having a fit. I didn’t care. It was nice out and I wanted to go to Starbucks. I also wanted to try and write a story. I kind of made a checklist of things I wanted to do today before I went to sleep last night. I just got one thing done, the outline of the story I want to write. I couldn’t think of anything to write while at Starbucks. I had wanted to go to CVS to get a card for a friend but after I cleaned up and put my things away, I forgot.

I got to the bus depot and while waiting for my bus, this guy walks by me and brushes against not one breast, but two. He apologized but he had this weird smirk on his face. I felt so horrible and the gender dysphoria just flared. I never hated my body more than I did at that moment. I got into a bad mood so fast. The bus couldn’t bring me home fast enough.

I went to Walgreens when I got off the bus. I wanted to get the card as I knew I would be going to the post office tomorrow. I found a card and then decided to get the dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup. They had them on sale for 2/$2 so I got two. Then I saw the Kit Kat bars and wanted the dark chocolate one. I found them after some looking. I then went to the checkout. The cashier was no where to be found and there was two customers ahead of me. The older guy went off somewhere so the second customer went up once the cashier returned. I put my stuff on the counter and the older gentleman was behind me. As the cashier was checking me out, he blurts out that I am buying too much chocolate and that tonight I should stand in the mirror and say no more chocolate. I just looked at him only because he tapped me on the shoulder. I gave him the nastiest look I could. I wanted to tell him to fuck off but held my tongue. I think the cashier was expecting an argument or something because he stopped what he was doing. I just handed him my money, got my change and left without saying a damn word. I was so fucking heated. The nerve of the guy!!

I told my mother what happened and she didn’t say anything. Thanks, ma! She just said we were having stir fry for dinner. I went upstairs to rant and rave. I had posted about the gender dysphoria but not too many people commented on it. The post about the Walgreens incident had more responses. Not like I was looking for it because I was fuming. People were telling me to tell him fuck off. It was just good that I felt supported by my friends on one post but not the other. Guess you can’t win them all.

I had dinner with my mother. She wanted me to clean up and I said okay but you are putting the rice away. She said no because she does everything and cooks, etc. I said yeah I don’t do nothing. She said emphatically, yes, I don’t do anything and I nearly lost it. I was so fucking hurt. I put the rice in a container but didn’t put it in the fridge because it was still hot.

I started working on my blog and because I had a bottle of water with dinner, I had to use the bathroom. I brought down the packages that I need to mail out tomorrow and then used the bathroom. I got a blank card so I could put the address of where I am sending one of them and the packing tape to stick it on. My mother then asks if I have the duct tape. I told her I don’t. She said it was in my office in one of the drawers. I told her it wasn’t. She argued with me so I fricken moved the stuff out of the way so I can check the drawers. No duct tape but found another roll of packing tape and some old pictures. I showed the roll of tape to my mother and she said no, that wasn’t what she needs. Bitch. I took it upstairs as I am out of packing tape and the pictures.

I went through the pictures. They were from the days of when I was a teen working with kids. I had one roll of all the kids from the summer program. I don’t remember their names, not a single one. I found a couple of my sister and nephew and another of my uncle. I posted them on Facebook. Then I looked in the other bag and my heart broke. The first picture was of my uncle (different one) and aunt who have been dead for some time now. I miss them so much. It just killed me seeing them. Then I found a pic of my wonderful aunts dancing. Behind them was another aunt and uncle dancing. This is the aunt that just passed away a few months ago. I was hurting so bad. I had taken the pics but they were sideways. I played with the damn functions of my phone trying to set them right. By the time I did, I had started a flare. A big one. It was blinding me. And, right on cue, my bladder needed to be emptied again. Fuck. I stood and saw stars. I carefully went downstairs, used the bathroom, and thought I would be able to make it back to my room. I went up like four steps and my ankle said a big fuck you. I was seeing stars again and I sat down. I was breathing really heavy and my chest hurt. I was having anxiety. Great. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mother hadn’t noticed me. I didn’t know what to do because I was panicking. Finally I yelled for my mother. She couldn’t hear me over the TV. JFC. I had to wait for her to mute it and then she tried to get up. I said don’t get up call my sister to come up and get my meds. She called and I was waiting in agony. I didn’t put anything on my feet so my feet were getting cold. If it got colder, I would be screwed because I would cramp. My sister came up and I told her exactly where to find the bottle of meds that I needed. I had to explain it again once she got to my room because she didn’t fucking listen! Seriously??? Finally she got the bottle and some water. She brought them to me and I just waited a few minutes trying to relax. But I was still breathing heavy and panicky.

I had to put my foot under some blankets or I was going to hurt more. I carefully stood up, thanked my sister, and then carefully made my way up the stairs.

I kept staring at the laptop with my small paragraph and couldn’t continue. I had so much to say about today and my mind was stuck. I needed to talk to someone. I texted my good friend and he said he could talk to me. I knew he would be able to make me laugh and forget things while the pain meds did its magic. I talked to him for about a half hour or so and felt better afterwards. So wrote this long blog that I was trying to write the past several hours. I finally took my night meds almost two hours late. I will probably be up late because I did but there was nothing I could do about it because I was in too much pain to stand up.

Pain keeps moving around my ankle and the part of my foot where it is atrophied. I don’t think I am going to sleep until the middle of the night. I am tired from the stress of the pain. Ativan that I took with my night meds should be able to settle me down. I might need to take another strong pain pill.

The awesome thing that happened, that I forgot to mention, was that my best friend out in Illinois officially adopted his son. I am so happy for him that when I found out, I started crying tears of joy. I couldn’t help me. My friend has always wanted a child. And now he has one. I couldn’t be more thrilled. My friend’s family is the best. I know this because after I met them one Christmas, we exchanged Christmas cards for years and they still ask for me. It was really cool.

transition appt and other things

Transition appt and other things

I’ve had an early day as I woke up around 5. I decided to stay up as I needed to get up at 7 to shower and get ready to leave the house the latest at 815. I played with my phone, talking to a fellow tweety buddy about stuff. I had woken up with spaghetti arms and she never heard of the term. I explained that it was a side effect of my antipsychotic medication. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen now and then. Around 6 I decided to heat up a burrito and then shower. For some reason, my heating method didn’t work as well as before as parts of the burrito were cold. I might have to use the second side at 40 seconds rather than 30. I had a glass of juice and then hit the shower.

By the time I was done, I was wiped out. I had about 45 minutes before I had to get dressed so I decided to risk laying down. I set my alarm and when it went off, I didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed for another ten minutes before getting dressed and leaving the house. It was sunny out and a little chilly but it would warm up a little by the time I got home. I just caught the bus to the station. While I was on my way, my friend texted me saying that she couldn’t meet me because something came up. She felt bad as she was looking forward to seeing me. I told her not to worry. I will be having frequent trips to the health center so there will be other opportunities.

The appt went well. I asked him what to do with the one female hormone I am taking to stop my periods. He said once I start testosterone, I can switch to a progesterone only pill until the T builds up in my system to adequately stop my menses. I might have a period or two while adjusting. He needs to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist and then I think by next appt, I could be ready to go for T shots. It will be weekly and could take as long as 6 months to show changes because of my age. I asked about top surgery and he said that can be discussed once I have begun changing. He asked if I wanted bottom surgery and I said no due to my nerve injury. I still don’t know how T is going to affect my sex drive or how it is going to be. I am kind of worried because when I was sexually active (some 15+ yrs ago), after my nerve injury it was very painful and I hated it. Since I have been out of that crummy relationship, I have not been with anyone. It’s so damn hard because even my urine is fucked up some days. Like the other day it was like all I did was pee. Then the next day, I hardly peed at all, no matter how much I drank. It’s so frustrating.

With the length of this transition, I am kind of thinking of how my plan is going to be and what to do about it. I haven’t put anything in motion, mostly because I haven’t been up during business hours to place phone calls. I emailed my psychiatrist in a kind of panic email about all of this as I was in a pain flare and basically going nuts like I do. I just get so overwhelmed with anxiety during a flare, like the world is ending kind of feeling. I also become more suicidal as I want to escape the pain. I don’t want to live anymore if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life in horrific pain every single day. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile going through the transition or to start it. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking it will pass and I can manage the pain again, but then there are days where I am set in my ways and I want to go through with it. I still have time as it will take some time to organize things. I have no deep rush. I do know it will be sometime this year. I just don’t know when, specifically.

Gender Dysphoria

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. The weigh so heavy for some reason Maybe it is because of the pain.

I vant decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.