gender dysphoria flares again

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.

tg issues, weekend, and sleep

TG issues, weekend, and sleep

To my regular readers, I apologize for not writing as often I should. I am in the throws of another depression brought about by who knows what but I am pretty sure it has to do with my mobility issues and not being able to go to Starbucks as much as I would like. To further complicate matters, there will soon be a bridge on the main road taken out to accommodate the new public transportation line that the scum bag mayor wants. It will be a longer route to the Square (I am told by a friend). This will be the middle of March and will supposedly last for a year. I have never seen bridges taken down and rebuilt in a year’s time so we’ll see.

I also have sort of lost interest in blogging. I knew if I stopped blogging every day this would happen. And it happened. I think there were three days where I didn’t blog or just posted a pic. But it is hard to continue to write when there is little to no feedback. For a while I was writing just for the sake of writing. I kept track of my stats and there were few people who read the blog for that day or the day after. But no likes or comments. I thought I was okay with it and part of me is, but there are some days where I feel like no one will care if I just stopped writing. Hence my little hiatus every now and then. Some days I just write to give an update on what is going on. I hardly every write a blog about the chronic pain and how awful it is. I might but not in the moment because I can get suicidal very quickly, if I am not already suicidal. So if you don’t see me post, this is why. I am either in a rut of depression or I just am not up to blogging.

I’ve been thinking more about top surgery. I asked my sisters what did they think and my youngest was like if you have it done, I need to know so I can take off work. She didn’t care, I guess. Then she asked me if I wanted to be in more pain than I am in. This further made me realize she has no clue about CRPS and how it is. I most likely will be in pain post op from my surgery. But it won’t last forever and I will eventually heal, maybe have to go to PT for a bit, and then be who I am meant to be, provided everything goes according to plan. So, in reality, the decision is mine and only mine to make. Still would like to have some support on the issue, which is what I was looking for. I don’t think “hurry up and give me a date so I can take off work” was what I was looking for.

My middle sister will soon be living here with one or two of her kids. I am not sure. But this is going to be stressful because my sister yells at her kids all the fucking time and has no respect for others but herself. I am hoping she will be living with us just long enough for her to save up the money she needs to get an apartment for herself. I also hope they don’t think they can turn my office into a bedroom because that isn’t going to happen! I am not looking forward to this. The only benefit will be that she will help my mother more than I could, in regards to doing the laundry and dishes and maybe dusting. With these changes, I am not sure I will go ahead and have surgery as it will be quite crowded in the house.

Since Thursday, I have been recovering. Yesterday I went out to get a few things at the grocery store. Last week my sister bought me 5 powerades and they were bad. They were supposed to be lemon-lime but tasted like orange. One I had to throw out because I felt like it was burning my tongue. Another one or two, I diluted with water and that was okay. So yesterday while I was at the store, I bought a few more and looked at the lot number to make sure it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t so I bought three. I also bought my coffee that I was out of.

I pretty much had a resting weekend. Yesterday when I was doing my PT exercises, I still couldn’t move my foot outward without pain. I haven’t tried to do my exercises today yet. I still need to fill my meds boxes for the week. I am officially off the Trileptal. I am kind of sad about this because I have been on it for so long and now I am no longer on it. I hope I won’t have withdrawal symptoms from it. My psychiatrist and I went very slow with it, like we are doing with the Lamictal. I started with 100 mg last week. I think it is adding to my constipation as it has been really hard to go since I have started it. Usually fiber pills save me but even then it takes a few days to work and then I feel awful. I still haven’t found the right combo. I had take two senna today and still nothing! Hope I go later tonight or tomorrow. I hate being backed up.

New PCP and of course, pain

New PCP and of course, pain

I had two appointments today, one for PT and then another with a new PCP. PT went okay. By the time I reached the train station after, I had to take off the support for my ankle I was wearing. It was causing too much heel pain. When I got to the hospital for the pcp (primary care provider) appointment, I took some pain meds and ibuprofen. My heel felt like it was being split in half. I have no idea how I endured this much pain without passing out. I used the walker as I navigated the hospital. I only went in the hospital rather than the streets because it snowed last night and I wasn’t sure how the sidewalks would be. I also didn’t want the wheels to get salt on them.

I was seen rather quickly. I was met with a social worker and the doctor. They introduced themselves and told me more about the transgender program as well as the services they provided. They offered counseling and I asked if I could meet with someone as I was having difficulty with my current one. I did mention that I was having mobility issues so it was okay if I didn’t see them right away. I also asked her if there was a way to deal with financial issues as I really would like to start saving some money a month but currently I can’t because I am an impulsive spender due to my mental illness. She said we could meet to work it out. She said she would set up the time and then send me a message when she did as she didn’t have her calendar in front of her.

She left and then the doctor examined me while talking some more about things. He agreed to take over my pain management. I was so happy. He asked about top surgery and we talked about it for a bit. He said I would need a note from my psychiatrist before I could have it. Then it would be some working with my insurance to pay for it. I am excited about this but as I was emailing my psych to tell her about him, I kind of realized I don’t know if I am as ready as I think I am. I mean, things have been moving so fast since Oct. I am not sure I want to have surgery after being on testosterone for only four months! I haven’t really thought what it will be like after my chest is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I want these guys gone, but I am sort of attached to them! It is weird. I have to think about it some more. I do kind of wish I had my therapist to talk to just to bounce ideas off him. But I don’t right now. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about it that isn’t coercive about it. The social work did mention a group that is at the hospital that is just transmen to talk and support one another. I am going to look into it. It would be nice to meet others going through this that are around my age. We joked about it as I often get the younger look and I am not that young! She said she was a few months older than I was. I found that funny because she didn’t look her age either!

I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist but I see her next week. I feel like she is my only support right now as I am not seeing my therapist due to mobility issues. This is the first time I have been without a therapist because I couldn’t walk to their office. Makes me miss my former therapist all the more because we had phone sessions. I have no idea what kind of therapist the social worker has in mind that I see or where. The hospital is a huge place with office space all over the area. I can talk to my psychiatrist, she is easy going about it. I just don’t know if I am ready for the conversation with her. We have never discussed this subject before though when I asked her to change my sex on my license, she was more than willing to do so. She is okay with me being a different sex for than when she first met me 26 years ago. I really wonder if they ask kids how they feel about themselves if they have problems. I know that if I was asked when I was 19 or so if I felt comfortable being a female or not, I know I would have answered yes. I remember having to go through a pap smear even though I wasn’t sexually active and then being placed on birth control pills because I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I asked my psychiatrist treating me in the hospital if it would change me into a woman, basically, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that because I didn’t want to sound crazy. When she read my memoir a couple years ago, she said it made sense now rather than then and I saw her for three years. I don’t know if I would gone through transition then as my mother was not cool with my sexuality. But she isn’t happy now with me being me either. I just don’t know about what will happen when my boobs are gone. I have thought about it in passing but now that the surgery is like yeah when do you want to talk to the surgeon, I am taken aback. I guess part of me is still waiting for someone to say to me you are a female not a male get with the program or something. But I can’t help but feel masculine. I don’t like being female. I am not female. I am a male. I just don’t know about things right now. I think I want to wait till I feel comfortable talking to my psych before I talk to a surgeon.

I have my friend’s husband reading my Darkness Always Wins book. He is giving me some insights into it. He is honest about it but I can tell it is hard. I just bluntly write shit. I guess that is why my story hasn’t been written. It also doesn’t help that the T is redoing the bridge on the main street that takes me to the Square. I am so upset that I won’t be going to Starbucks as frequently as I was. Since my therapist and I have halted sessions, I haven’t been to the square as much. I am so depressed about this. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. I might have to seriously have money put aside for Uber (and stick with it!) just to go to another Starbucks that is hard to get to due to a long walk. On days I am okay, it might be okay to walk that far but on a regular basis, no way. And I would seriously have to commit to writing on my story and not play on my phone while there. I want my brain emptied! So to speak…

Hurting and done with docs

I am hurting. I talked to my psych who wanted me to talk to my pcp on the phone after all that happened. I’ll send him a card. My endo is setting me up with a pcp that might be better. Ok I have high standards but being in chronic pain you really don’t want to be jerked around after you’ve seen 20+ doctors, 3 who have said I have CRPS yet my former pcp not believing nor the doctor that he sends me to. I’ve had enough of seeing every friggen doctor in Boston and surrounding areas in every possible specialty. Took 8 years and now I may be permanently disabled because of the delay in care. I love my psych and we work well together. I really wish there were more doctors like her. But they are too far and in between and I am tired of trying one last time just to get nowhere. So when I tell my pcp I have increase in bone pain that wasn’t there before and he blows me off, sorry. You’re fired. I don’t care how nice he is. And he is nice but he doesn’t want to deal with complex medical issues that a primary doctor should deal with. I hope the PCP my endo doc is sending me to can deal. She said he is nice. I said the doc I am seeing is nice too, but doesn’t want to deal with my complex medical stuff. In some ways, I am glad because after one the NPs asked inappropriately about my gender reassignment surgery when I was seeing her for a sore foot, I kind of lost faith in the office. I am hoping being in a transgender practice will be different. My endo said there are support groups and stuff there so will look into it when I have my first visit.

I am in pain and canceled my appointment with my therapist for Monday. I have PT in the morning and I am not going to somehow fly 5.6 miles (9 km) to his office. Taking the T is just too rough. I don’t have time to go home and rest because by then I will have to go as he has a 24 hour cancellation policy. I am kind of pissed at him still for telling me to Google relaxation tips when I am having anxiety about sleeping due to pain. I mean, WTF am I seeing him for if I can just use Google??

I came home from my appointments and I was hurting. Both calves were sore like I had been walking all day. I have no idea why they were hurting. I put the heating pad on my right one soon as I got changed into my PJs. Then my foot felt like it was being crushed. My mother then said dinner was ready. Well, I will be down when I can figure out a way to go downstairs. My right heel is killing me every time I stand. I already took a pain med. I hope this isn’t one of the I can’t sleep if my life depended on it night. I really would like to do some baking tomorrow. I am out of cookies and the monster is getting angry, lol. I also want to make a key lime pie. I have no idea if I will like it as it is made with jello and yogurt mixed with cool whip. Sounds good anyways. Whether it will, who knows. I almost ate the yogurt today as I came home hungry and needed food. I had a pop tart instead.

Tonight, after I had dinner. I was washing my hands after the bathroom and was looking at my chin. There was nothing wrong with it except it looked more angular. I don’t know if I am noticing things or what. No one said anything when I posted my transition pics so I don’t know. I am tired. I took my night meds and HOPE they fucking make me sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two of Harry. Last night I read a chapter of John Grisham’s Sycamore Row and then finished the chapter of Harry Potter I was on. I swear I am addicted to these books. And seeing as it is now Feb, I guess reading two books in January isn’t going to happen. I have a few books lined up once I finish the Harry Potter books. I just got to make a commitment to actually spending time reading rather than just being on social media. I wish I brought a book today as I had 40 minutes to kill as I was early for my psych appointment.

I will be going up on my mood stabilizer this weekend. I really haven’t had any side effects so that is good. I was hoping to jump to 100 mg but she wants me to go to 75 mg for two weeks. Oh well. I still need to figure out how to pay for one of my meds as I am short. I miscalculated my med budget. I thought I would be able to get the T later this month, which I still might, but depends on how much I go up. I have no idea why my doc ordered an estradiol level. I can never figure out how to interpret the result. It is low whatever phase I am in, which it should be as I am on testosterone, duh. But I am still producing it which means, I hope, increasing the dose of T. I see her in four months for another check. She is nice and I do like her. I just wish she fricken told me she was in the TG program! Damn. It would have been easier for me to bring it up, but no matter. I am started on my transition and now I just got to adjust my T to get manlier.