I did too much walking yesterday as my legs are sore today. I woke up late because I didn’t want to get up right away. I was tired because I again woke up in the middle of the night. I stayed up till 230 and then went back to sleep. My bladder kept giving me mixed messages when my 2nd med alarm went off, which reminds me I still need to give myself the T shot. I was getting urges and then I would get nothing. So strange. I finally got up around noon after the pre-op anesthesia called me. They called me an hour early and that is ok with me. They give me a list of medications/vitamins that I am not to take the day of surgery. The day I have surgery I am to have my T shot but I will have to give it when I am home from the procedure or the next day. Seeing as I am probably going to be home in the evening and I might not be too with it, I will probably give it the next day.
My aunt was over the house when I got up for my first cup of coffee. I told her I was having a hysterectomy and like my mother, she doesn’t understand why I am having it. She said it was on the inside so no one sees it and I told her that isn’t the point. I don’t want to worry about suddenly getting a period or what not. It is bad enough I am getting cramps and don’t know if they are bladder or uterine in nature.
I am keeping track of how many catheters I use in a day. I have three boxes left and I am not sure if that is enough. I seemed to have gone through a box quickly. It will be important to know because then I can have the NP adjust the amount on my next order for catheters. I sent my pcp a message asking if he got in touch with the surgeon about post op pain management. I want to make sure things are squared away now before the procedure. Just got a response and things will be taken cared of. I am so relieved. I was so worried there was going to be a hassle. But things have been worked out and I will get the pain meds I need for post op. I am so happy right now.
I am writing this in my kitchen as I wanted to have a cup of coffee while I wrote. It has been nice sitting in a chair while writing. Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping with my cousin. I just need to get rice and some more Gatorade. Maybe some more water too. It is kind of stuffy in the kitchen but there is a breeze coming in that is cool. I normally write my blog in my room. I wanted a change of scenery today. I took out a burger for dinner. Last night I had one with Swiss cheese and habanero honey mustard and it was so good. I might have a black bean burger for dinner though. I don’t know. It will be a burger either way.
I emptied my recycling today. Tomorrow is trash day so I wanted to take it downstairs. It caused a flare of my ankle. I am trying to avoid taking a nap, which is why I had the coffee and am sitting in my kitchen writing. I just feel so fed up. I have been in pain nearly every single day for the past two months. Always my ankle throbbing. Some days I can ignore it but days like today when I am tired it is hard to ignore. I start thinking bad thoughts. I think I will be better off dead. My thoughts just stay there. I haven’t gone to the planning of my death in some time. I am not that hopeless. I find that hope has a lot to do with my suicidal thinking. It can either be a passing thought or more invasive.
Being triggered and other stuff
I was reading Twitter today and there was a post where a mother said her son was being teased by another boy at the pool for being a girl. It brought back memories of when I was called a boy growing up but then people would say sorry I mean girl. It would always hurt me though I never said anything. How could I? I felt like if I did, I would be corrected and told I was not a boy because of my genitals. I had some vivid memories come back and it just made me sad that I had to hide myself for so long.
I wanted to go out today but it was too muggy. I should shower as I don’t remember the last time I did. I want to shave my beard off. I had two cups of coffee to ward of naps. There still isn’t a baseball game until tomorrow. I am going to have a black bean burger for supper.
I’ve been feeling blah today. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I should go to Starbucks and write. I miss doing that and Starbucks has opened up seating again. I am fully vaccinated so I should go.
I just texted my niece as to when will I see her again and she said she is spending the night tonight. Yay! I get to hug her and see her for at least 24 hours. I miss her so much. My nephew has been such a grump since he is unemployed. He barely leaves his room to talk to anyone.
Tomorrow I am meeting with my psychiatrist and surgeon, back to back appointments. Going to be a little stressful. I got a list of questions for the surgeon. I have a countdown of the days till surgery and I am both nervous and excited for this to happen. I also need to talk to psychiatrist about possible med changes. I was going to ask to be put on Pristiq but it can cause nausea and I don’t want to be nauseous. I might just ask for an increase in the citalopram as there is room there for some increase.
I watched a YouTube video on a hysterectomy. I was a little grossed out at first but then was ok. I wanted to see what was done while the procedure happened. It wasn’t as bloody as I thought it would be but I know I am going to be wicked sore, to say the least.
Sunday Blog 11072021
I didn’t do much today. I was talking with my mother this morning. She was complaining about how she has hairs on her face and she needs to shave. I told her she should grow a beard like me and that is when she said she didn’t understand why I grew I beard. I couldn’t deal so went to my room without saying anything. I watched an episode of Community and tweeted the situation. I then wrote my mother a letter that I sent off to my therapist before giving it to her. I laid out the boundaries and said that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to basically respect my pronouns and name change. It’s been three years that I have been out to her and I have been very patient. But I can’t go on with the negativity and hurt.
I took a nap in the afternoon. I still am feeling sleepy. I don’t know if I have an infection or not but I seem to be peeing like every 2-3 hours. I am drinking a lot. I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately. Trying to avoid the afternoon naps. Sometimes I am successful. Most times I am not. Usually two cups a day is my limit.
I filled my med boxes for the week and as I was closing the morning med box, it slipped and tipped over. I had pills all over my bed. Fuck. I hate when that happens. I sorted out the meds, again. I had an egg sandwich for lunch. I haven’t had dinner. I am not really hungry. I also don’t know what to eat. I am thinking a bowl of cereal. I don’t feel like cooking.
I had a hard session in therapy Monday. We talked about mourning my mother for not being the mother I needed. It was hard realizing this is what I have to do to get past all these negative emotions I have about my mother. Right now she is in the hospital with either pneumonia or fluid around her heart and lungs and I just can’t deal. I was worried when she wasn’t up when I got up this morning but I didn’t think she had pneumonia. Her sugars were extremely high yesterday, so high that her monitor couldn’t give a number. I care for her as another human being but it is hard when I don’t get respect. The hospital called me to get her medication list and I was deadnamed and I am sure misgendered as well. I was probably called daughter as well. It’s things like this that hurt so much.
I also talked about the weight clinic and how my weight is keeping me from completing my transition. I wrote this on Twitter the other night: “In a frank mood right now. Kind of depressed and suicidal. All because I am a woman who desperately wants to be a man. I’ve dreamt of the day I would get these fucking things off my chest but b/c of a BMI I can’t have surgery. Which leaves me feeling suicidal. People always talk about saving trans lives but they never look at what is in the way of transitioning. I need to be a certain weight for me to be who I am. Totally sexist and discriminatory. I have weight issues and body issues. Going to a weight clinic seems shameful to me. Which only adds to me calling me a fat fuck who should die. Going to a weight clinic is not going to solve the BMI issue when losing weight already fucks with my head. Need to lose weight shit I will starve myself to that end before going to a clinic. And who’s to say once I lose the weight there won’t be another issue to prevent me from being a man? But apparently I can get my uterus out without a problem. Breasts seem to be an issue all the time. I just don’t know if my suicidality will end up killing me before I am a certain BMI.”
It fricken sucks that a number is keeping me from transitioning to a man. I told my therapist I would have my pcp make the referral to the weight clinic and see what they say. She reiterated to me that they are not my family and so wouldn’t abuse or shame me. I am so scared of doing this because of these reasons. I hope that I don’t have to become a salad eater to lose the weight I need to lose. I can only eat salad with a ton of dressing on it. I really like spinach salads but my mother always ends up boiling the spinach on me no matter how many times I tell her not to. She drives me crazy.
I have a UTI that I am waiting to be treated for. I hope they will treat me. I am going to call in a half hour if they don’t call me first. I need to know because peeing hurts so bad and I am going every two fricken hours. I feel so depressed about this. I have been in pain with this infection for the past ten days and I am sick of it. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to respond. I hate waiting. I really do.