Sunday blog 05092021
I woke up in the middle of the night. I had to pee and I was hungry. There were no delivery places with delivery people so I couldn’t order McDs on UberEats. I had a bowl of cereal instead. My mother was in the bathroom when I went to the kitchen. She said she knew I was going to come down. I usually do at 2 in the morning. I slept till my med alarm went off. I shut it and then went back to sleep to dream about writing a paper and having it perfect for the professor. In the mean time I was painting with a machine in people’s houses for $20. So fucking weird.
Everyone missed me at the wedding. I missed them too. I wish I had the confidence to cath in public but with me still having a chest and facial hair, I feel awkward using either a male or female bathroom. I just don’t feel like I fit. And I have to be in a stall so I can take my pants down to cath. It was kind of good I didn’t go because I was in a lot of pain last night. It was hard to get comfortable. I tried laying down and being on the computer but that meant I either had to type with one hand or not at all.
I had my coffee when I got up around 1. I had some mandarin oranges and the combination has upset my stomach. After I had my coffee, I took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My mother wanted sweet n low but they no longer sell it. I bought her a case of it but it is not the packets, just a box of the sugar. I told her to get a bowl. I don’t understand why she can’t do that. It is better for the environment. I came home exhausted. I checked the score of the game and the Sox are down by 3 runs. It is a bullpen game as the starting pitcher was placed on the Covid IL list today. I am not sure if he tested positive or if he was ill. That makes nine players on the Covid IL. I am not too worried about the game as there is plenty of baseball left to play and they have comeback from behind before. Long as the bullpen doesn’t totally collapse we should be ok.
Only appointment I need to go out for this week is for dermatology. I got some moles that need looking at. I haven’t decided if I am going to go by T or not. I would have to take the shuttle to the building because it is kind of a walk from the station. In my younger days I could handle it but not these days. I just can’t walk that far anymore. Sucks.
I need to take some Miralax soon. It has been a few days since I last pooped. I hate getting backed up because it causes me to strain and it hurts right now with me recovering from surgery. I won’t be in the clear for another 4-6 weeks. It is another thing I need to keep track of. I am so tired of keeping track of my bodily functions. There is no rest from it. I get no break. And it is all because of nerve damage due to a tethered cord and compressed nerves from discs. Makes me depressed when I think about it. I will talk about it with my therapist when I see her Tues. Hard part is she doesn’t understand most of what I go through. My former therapist at least had some empathy for me for it. I don’t get validated from her like I did the other therapist on this stuff.
Another day recovering from surgery
I wanted to go to Starbucks today but after I had my coffee and started coloring, I felt weak and tired. It is over 90 degrees so I decided to treat myself to Starbucks rather than go out to get it. Only when it was delivered I realized I forgot to order a pumpkin scone. They already have their fall items out. The scone is my favorite along with their pumpkin bread. I am hoping tomorrow is cooler so I can go out, even if it is a walk around the block. I just realized I forgot to mail my ballot so will need to go to the post office tomorrow.
I have a wedding to go to next Saturday so I booked an appointment with my barber for next Friday. Mid-morning appointments tend to go fast so I am glad I booked in advance. I ordered a new shirt, belt, and tie for the wedding. I have a pair of dress pants that I will just throw in the wash. I just don’t know what I will do about my catheters. I don’t have a small bag that is stylish enough for a wedding. I hope by next week I am back to wearing boxers and not pads. I am still having discharge but it is getting less with each passing day.
I had to look up some appointments as they are not in my calendar. I came across the notes from my surgeon for Monday. In the notes was the path report for my reproductive system. Apparently I had endometriosis. I wonder if that was why I was having cramps nearly every month since being on testosterone. I feel better that it could be that rather than my bladder. I am still having cramps and pain but it is much more mild than it was yesterday. The real pain that I have is my thigh. I don’t know why I am having so much pain there. I haven’t done anything that would cause it. I might take some gabapentin if it continues as I am sure it is nerve pain. I wish there was a stretch I could do to stretch it out some but with my lower leg being not as mobile as my right it is difficult to do it.
I see my psychiatrist next week. Feels like ages since I last saw him. I have been in contact with him with the patient message system. He has been responsive. He is a good guy. My psych thinks highly of him. She hasn’t been my psych for almost three years now but I have known her for thirty years so I still call her my psych. I don’t think that will ever change. I still keep in touch with her, more than I write to my psychiatrist. I have never met him in person because of Covid so I don’t really know what he is like. I think telehealth is something that is going to happen for some time and I don’t think is going to change in the near future.
Sox had an ugly loss last night. Pitching fell apart as usual. At this rate playoffs seem hopeless. There is a month of playing left and if the pitching doesn’t improve it doesn’t look like they will be playing in Oct.
Sunday blog 15082021
I had a lot of things to do today as I listened to the ball game. I did my med boxes for the week, putting in the right pills for prep on Wed. I then made a little bag up to make sure I had enough caths and pads for after surgery. I think I am going to have some bottles of Gatorade on a shelf near my bed so I don’t have to bend down to pick them up. I ordered tacos for dinner. I am still waiting for them to be delivered.
I took a shower with the special soap I need to use. It is very liquid and does not lather well at all. I just took a quick shower. I can’t use the soap on my privates so I had to use regular soap. I feel better now that I am showered and my anxiety is a little less. I just need to empty my recycles tomorrow. I was going to do that today but I don’t feel up to it.
I listened to 8 innings of the Sox before getting too anxious about showering. My back flared up but it settled down once I sat down for a bit. They won 6-2, sweeping the O’s. They are off tomorrow and then play the snakes in the Bronx. They play two games but there was talk of a double header so I don’t know. My calendar doesn’t put in rescheduled games, which really sucks.
I think I am going to read tonight. I haven’t read anything in weeks. I have been really bad at scheduling time to read a book. I mostly just read Twitter, which lately has been depressing me because of all the virus cases and anti-vax idiots. It just hasn’t been fun lately. I try to get the pets and animals pictures so it can have some brightness to my day.
Tomorrow I go for my Covid test. When my med alarm went off this morning I thought today was Monday. I am so fucking nervous about everything. I think I will need an Ativan before my night meds. I just washed the new clothes I bought. I have to wear female underwear because I need to wear a pad for a week or two after surgery. I am not ok with this as I find it demoralizing but a pair of boxers doesn’t hold a pad so I don’t have a choice really. It won’t kill me to wear them for a week or so. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. It calms me down to hear her voice.
The tacos I ordered came cold and were not so great. Last time I order them. This is the second time they arrived this way and an hour late. I might have a yogurt. My leg is flared up from all the standing I have done today. I just took some meds. My lower back is aching so I took some Tylenol, too. I got to call my PT place to find out if I can see my PT if the Covid test isn’t back yet. Last time it took a little more than 24 hours for me to get results. Each PT visit they ask if we have a pending covid test or had a test within the last 24 hours. I don’t think it will be applicable to me because a doctor ordered it for my surgery not because I am having symptoms. I have been careful to wear my mask all this week and the week before when I go out. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not be up all night because I have to be up early to get ready for the test before leaving the house. I will have Starbucks on the way home because dammit I deserve it!
Therapy and self-validation
Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.
Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.
After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.
After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.
I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.