Tag: FTM

Sunday Blog 28052023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Sunday Blog 28052023

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. There was really nothing to write about. I woke up late and it was the same as the day before. Today same thing. Tomorrow is a holiday so I have another day I can sleep late. I forgot to write in my calendar my therapist’s time so I won’t know until I check the patient web thingy Tues. I don’t know if we are meeting at 11 or 2. I think it is at 2 though. I thought it would be in person but it is virtual.

I went outside topless for the first time. It is wicked hot out. I was in the sun for at least 10 mins and had to go back in the house. I hate heat so bad. I took out chicken breast for tonight’s dinner. I might roast some potatoes with it if there are any left. I forgot to buy them when I placed my grocery order. I hate to turn on the oven but it is the only way to cook the chicken. I am not going to cut it up to fry it. I hate cutting raw meat.

I listened to the game last night. We won 2-1. They play in a couple hours and then are off tomorrow. The Celtics had a good game last night and won. I am happy about that. I will be watching the score tomorrow night as it is game 7. I don’t have cable so will have to watch the feed from the internet, which I don’t know where to watch it yet. My sister said YouTube so will check that out.

I have been reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a good book. I am not suicidal so it is good reading right now. I hung up my pride flag yesterday that I bought from Amazon. I just hope it stays up with my room’s temp changes. I think it will as I hung up my tissue box and it hasn’t come down. It has been up for more than a couple of years. I also bought a trans rights are human rights T-shirt. I can’t wait to wear it when I see my doc the 8th. I am glad I am starting PT again as my foot has been awful the past couple of days. It has been hurting me so bad. I also need to get my knee checked as it has been hurting since I fell a month ago. The CRPS pain in my ankle and foot has been back. I don’t have anything to take for pain. It sucks so bad. I hope when I see my doc on the 8th she will prescribe me something.

I have to go to the Square Tues to pick up my prescription. I might go to Starbucks and have a latte to read for a bit and then pick it up. Depends on how I feel after therapy. Lately all we’ve been talking about it my mother and how I feel about her. I’ve still been experiencing sadness all the time and now I have moved into depression. I am not hopeless as I know this will pass. I think if I was hopeless I would be suicidal. I keep wanting to check on her. Her room is so empty without her. And the house is too. It really sucks.

Dcmd

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.

In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.

Anyways, that is my story

post op day 30 top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, FTM, transgender

Post op day 30 top surgery

I am healing well except that I had some fluid build up again. I got to go back to the clinic on Tues. If there is still more, they are going to put in a drain for a week. I have a scab on my left nipple that doesn’t want to come off. NP said it will on its own once new skin grows. I don’t know how long I have to wear this binder but I think it will be a while, sadly. It annoys me. I want to be free but I also don’t want my chest to be drained.

I had therapy today. We talked some more about grief and my sadness. She is worried that the grief could make the depression worse and then I would become suicidal again. I didn’t mention that I felt that I need to be in the hospital with her. I think if I tell her, she might be like ok. I just feel sad all the time and she said not that much time has passed since my mother passed away, which is true. It’s only been a little more than three weeks. She wants me to do things but she won’t say what things I should do. I don’t think there is a DBT skill for grief. I told her I would read more. I just got a new book from the library. I haven’t started it yet. I wanted to today and might before bed. It is a bigger book than I thought it would be so reading it might take some serious time. I tend to read a chapter and then put the book down. Sometimes I pick it back up but most times I wait till the next day. I remember when I used to just read right on through. I guess it depends on my attention span. I can follow Twitter easily because it is short posts, even though some people make long posts now that Musk took away character limits for those that pay for the site. It is easier than a thread sometimes. But I am not going to pay for the site. It is going downhill and I fear in a few years, it might just be a memory.

I wish I could call my mother. Just to hear her voice again. I have a couple of voicemails but it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I knew she was going to die and stuff but I really thought she would survive at least a year with the diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain and I guess that took a lot out of her. I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. No one deserves 24/7 pain unless they are child molesters/rapists.

With this binder on for who knows how long, I really can’t go in the hospital because it will be a safety concern. I am not suicidal but I have stuff I could overdose on and just hope for the best. I don’t know if that means I need to be in the hospital. I was feeling that way before I left the hospital and the staff knew I had stuff. Hell, they were discharging me with a script of it! Only problem is that there is no guarantee that I will be back at that hospital if I go in. It took a few days in the ED for me to get a bed there. I think I was in the ED on a Wed and didn’t get admitted until Friday.

I bought the new Linkin Park CD. It came today and I should be excited but I am not. I haven’t left my room since I got the message it was delivered. I don’t feel like leaving my room for anything except if I have to use the bathroom. I just took my night meds. I might take some Benadryl as my allergies are killing me. Normally, I would take another Allegra but the Benadryl will help me sleep some. I have my grocery delivery tomorrow. My niece isn’t home so it will be me taking the stuff up the two flights to my room. I ordered a lot of Gatorade as I ran out before the end of the month. Hope I get everything. I have to be careful because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

day 5 post op, feeling shitty

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, transgender

Day 5 post op, feeling shitty

I woke up once during the night. My mother and sister were up. My mother was congested and was coughing up shit. I don’t know if she was puking or not. I made sure she was okay and then went back to bed. I took some pain meds because I was hurting. There is an area on my chest that twinges. I am not sure if it is incisional pain or the nipple reattaching but it is weird. It doesn’t hurt but it does throb. I hurt the left side when I got up around 10 to empty the drains. OMG the pain was bad, I could hardly move. I shuffled to make coffee. I just feel shitty and worn out. I don’t have a fever.

My mother is feeling better today. She is more alert than she was yesterday. It was so difficult watching her be so lethargic because her sugar was so low and then even when we brought it up, she didn’t come out of it. We just let her rest.

Sox are winning right now 6-3 over the O’s. Houck is pitching good today, so far. I just hope the bullpen doesn’t mess up the score. We need a win.

I hope the drainage from the drains continue to be less. I had 30 mL from the right side today and about 10 on the left. The right side is more swollen than the left, even though the left hurts more. If it stays at 30 mLs, I could have the drains out and see what my chest looks like! I am so excited to be flat. I have waited for so long. It is a dream come true for me. I am finally who I am meant to be. Now I just need to get rid of some of my belly fat. I plan on trying to walk more now that the weather is nicer. Nothing drastic just a block at first and see how my foot reacts. I still am protective of my CRPS foot/ankle. I see my pcp this week about it. I hope she will put me on some meds for it. I am almost out of gabapentin. I hope my doc will refill it tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. Lots to discuss. I have a new body that I still haven’t seen yet. I have to take Ativan to calm me down because the compression vest is getting me all anxious. I can move my chest but I feel like everything is constricting me and it feels like suffocation. I was able to have a bowel movement today and wipe myself. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach but I was able to without pain. I still need to take some Miralax to get going but I have appointments the next couple of days so I will take it when I am home. I have no idea where I put the vouchers for the taxi that I got. It’s not where I thought I put it. Hope I didn’t throw them away by accident.

I am so tired today. I tried to nap earlier but couldn’t get comfortable. It takes a lot for me to get comfy these days. I have to be careful moving my arm as it pulls on the drain and hurts. Just sucks. Really hope tomorrow is a good day for me. I will know in the morning if I will be going in to take the drains out. All depends on how much fluid there is.