I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
Just about eight weeks post op hysterectomy
I am just about eight weeks post op (tomorrow will officially mark the eighth week) and today was the first full active day I have had. I woke up and got up before eight this morning. I made myself an egg and had a cup of tea as I wanted tea. My friend sent it from England as a recovery gift. It was good tea. A little later I had a cup of coffee with the last of my creamer. My groceries arrived in the afternoon so I was going up and down stairs a lot. Then I went to the bank to deposit money so I wasn’t in the red anymore. I had to borrow money from my mother. I just hope I can pay her back when I get paid.
I came home and I was out of breath. It took me several minutes to catch it and relax. I was sweating the whole time I was bringing the groceries up the stairs and I was sweating again when I came home. I had stopped at the pharmacy before coming home to pick up my meds and that little fucking hill I have to walk up plus going up two flights of stairs with two bags of Gatorade bottles was too much for me. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and luckily I was normally breathing by the time he logged on.
I told him I was depressed and he could see that I was. He offered some trans support website which I sent out to. There was another one which I tried to email but for some reason I was unable to copy the email address from Zoom. I had to write it down. I am not sure I am going to email this person because they are far from me and I don’t have a car to get there should they meet in person. Plus insurance is a factor as well. I rather go to a free group than have it be a therapeutic one which I have to pay for. I told him about the increase in Pristiq and he said that by the time we see each other next (in Nov), he hopes the med will provide me some relief of the depression. I told him about my B&B issues making me a hermit in the house. I just don’t feel comfortable using public restrooms to cath. I still have to go to the lab to give a urine sample to make sure I don’t have an infection. I have been having some bladder pain lately and even though my urine is clear, I want to make sure it really is.
I called uro today to schedule the appointment for the testing but the doc didn’t “order” the test that they could see so I have to wait for the medical assistant to call me. I was hoping to hear back from her this afternoon but nope, no calls. Tomorrow I have an early dentist appointment and plan to go to the hosp afterwards to drop off the urine sample. I just hope I wake up like I did today or the appointment might be missed. I have to leave a half hour before the appointment because I will be going uphill and I know I will be short of breath. I want to be sure I am breathing close to normal when I go to the office.
I am making a chicken pot pie for dinner. Tomorrow I might make a small marinara sauce so I can have spaghetti and meatballs. I hid my spaghetti so no one will eat it. Every time I want a particular pasta it seems to be gone as my nephew eats pasta all the time.
I had Starbucks while out so I am caffeinated for tonight’s ballgame. The stomach tightening has already begun with the stupid stat predictions and shit. If we can get to the starting pitcher early, we might have a chance to win. But our pitcher has to be nasty Nate or we will be in trouble. It is a win or go home kind of game so if we lose, we are done. Baseball season is over for me, at least with the Sox. It will continue with the winner of the game.
I think I did too much with the bags I had to carry. 45 bottles of Gatorade and 10 gallons of water I had to bring up the stairs. I am not supposed to be lifting anything over 10lbs at least for another four weeks. I am considered healed though as I am at the eight week mark. I wish my bladder was in better condition than what it is. I really hope the urodynamic testing gives me some answers that are favorable. Even if it shows that I don’t have to cath every time, I still have to cath for residual as I am not emptying my bladder when I void. I don’t know how going to a trans support group would be helpful with my medical issues but maybe having just someone that understands the dysphoria will help.
Sunday blog 05092021
I woke up in the middle of the night. I had to pee and I was hungry. There were no delivery places with delivery people so I couldn’t order McDs on UberEats. I had a bowl of cereal instead. My mother was in the bathroom when I went to the kitchen. She said she knew I was going to come down. I usually do at 2 in the morning. I slept till my med alarm went off. I shut it and then went back to sleep to dream about writing a paper and having it perfect for the professor. In the mean time I was painting with a machine in people’s houses for $20. So fucking weird.
Everyone missed me at the wedding. I missed them too. I wish I had the confidence to cath in public but with me still having a chest and facial hair, I feel awkward using either a male or female bathroom. I just don’t feel like I fit. And I have to be in a stall so I can take my pants down to cath. It was kind of good I didn’t go because I was in a lot of pain last night. It was hard to get comfortable. I tried laying down and being on the computer but that meant I either had to type with one hand or not at all.
I had my coffee when I got up around 1. I had some mandarin oranges and the combination has upset my stomach. After I had my coffee, I took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My mother wanted sweet n low but they no longer sell it. I bought her a case of it but it is not the packets, just a box of the sugar. I told her to get a bowl. I don’t understand why she can’t do that. It is better for the environment. I came home exhausted. I checked the score of the game and the Sox are down by 3 runs. It is a bullpen game as the starting pitcher was placed on the Covid IL list today. I am not sure if he tested positive or if he was ill. That makes nine players on the Covid IL. I am not too worried about the game as there is plenty of baseball left to play and they have comeback from behind before. Long as the bullpen doesn’t totally collapse we should be ok.
Only appointment I need to go out for this week is for dermatology. I got some moles that need looking at. I haven’t decided if I am going to go by T or not. I would have to take the shuttle to the building because it is kind of a walk from the station. In my younger days I could handle it but not these days. I just can’t walk that far anymore. Sucks.
I need to take some Miralax soon. It has been a few days since I last pooped. I hate getting backed up because it causes me to strain and it hurts right now with me recovering from surgery. I won’t be in the clear for another 4-6 weeks. It is another thing I need to keep track of. I am so tired of keeping track of my bodily functions. There is no rest from it. I get no break. And it is all because of nerve damage due to a tethered cord and compressed nerves from discs. Makes me depressed when I think about it. I will talk about it with my therapist when I see her Tues. Hard part is she doesn’t understand most of what I go through. My former therapist at least had some empathy for me for it. I don’t get validated from her like I did the other therapist on this stuff.
Another day recovering from surgery
I wanted to go to Starbucks today but after I had my coffee and started coloring, I felt weak and tired. It is over 90 degrees so I decided to treat myself to Starbucks rather than go out to get it. Only when it was delivered I realized I forgot to order a pumpkin scone. They already have their fall items out. The scone is my favorite along with their pumpkin bread. I am hoping tomorrow is cooler so I can go out, even if it is a walk around the block. I just realized I forgot to mail my ballot so will need to go to the post office tomorrow.
I have a wedding to go to next Saturday so I booked an appointment with my barber for next Friday. Mid-morning appointments tend to go fast so I am glad I booked in advance. I ordered a new shirt, belt, and tie for the wedding. I have a pair of dress pants that I will just throw in the wash. I just don’t know what I will do about my catheters. I don’t have a small bag that is stylish enough for a wedding. I hope by next week I am back to wearing boxers and not pads. I am still having discharge but it is getting less with each passing day.
I had to look up some appointments as they are not in my calendar. I came across the notes from my surgeon for Monday. In the notes was the path report for my reproductive system. Apparently I had endometriosis. I wonder if that was why I was having cramps nearly every month since being on testosterone. I feel better that it could be that rather than my bladder. I am still having cramps and pain but it is much more mild than it was yesterday. The real pain that I have is my thigh. I don’t know why I am having so much pain there. I haven’t done anything that would cause it. I might take some gabapentin if it continues as I am sure it is nerve pain. I wish there was a stretch I could do to stretch it out some but with my lower leg being not as mobile as my right it is difficult to do it.
I see my psychiatrist next week. Feels like ages since I last saw him. I have been in contact with him with the patient message system. He has been responsive. He is a good guy. My psych thinks highly of him. She hasn’t been my psych for almost three years now but I have known her for thirty years so I still call her my psych. I don’t think that will ever change. I still keep in touch with her, more than I write to my psychiatrist. I have never met him in person because of Covid so I don’t really know what he is like. I think telehealth is something that is going to happen for some time and I don’t think is going to change in the near future.
Sox had an ugly loss last night. Pitching fell apart as usual. At this rate playoffs seem hopeless. There is a month of playing left and if the pitching doesn’t improve it doesn’t look like they will be playing in Oct.