Sunday Blog 20092020
The only plans I have for today is to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fill my med boxes for the week. It is cool today so I will be wearing sweatpants and maybe a sweatshirt. I am not sure how cold it is out but it is cold in the house. Sometimes it is colder in the house than it is outside. I am hoping that is the case.
I finally made an appointment for the Ride to be picked up for my pain clinic appointment. I am seeing a new pain doctor. Why, I have no clue. I have no interest to see someone new but my pcp wants me to see someone so I am going. It is just a consult, nothing will change, I hope. I just hope they don’t need a urine sample. I will bring a catheter with me just in case but hope I don’t have to use it. I cannot pee on demand. I never could. I would be sitting on the toilet forever before I peed. I still have retention. My urge to go can be weak but I am able to void with some hesitation. If I don’t get that urge, forget about peeing. I got to remember the paperwork they sent me. I hope I don’t forget it. I am not sure if I am going to arrive on time or not. All depends on traffic.
It’s windy today so I don’t think I will wear a hat. Last thing I want to do is go chasing after it because the wind blew it off my head. Had that happen one too many times. The cold air is causing my back to cramp something awful. I am tempted to send a message to my surgeon to see what he recommends. I am taking tizanidine but I am still having cramps. I am taking it around the clock, too.
I don’t usually discuss politics on my blog but the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has my stomach turning in knots. I am worried for my country and the Supreme Court. The last thing we need is another predator like Kavanaugh on the bench. All of this depends on if the Senators decide to vote once the Orange Buffoon picks someone. They really shouldn’t because the senate majority leader set a precedent of not picking someone until there is a new president as this is an election year. There are like 45 days to election day. I think it will be too soon to pick someone. But knowing the scoundrels, I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pick someone. My heart will break because it was RBG’s dying wish to have a new president pick a replacement. I just hope the wish comes true.
I have four appointments this week. Tues, Wed, and Thurs I have two. Wed I say goodbye to my psychopharm NP. I saw the new psychiatrist last Thursday and it went okay. He seems like a nice guy but I don’t like that we are meeting every four weeks. I think I will be okay but if my suicidality increases, I am going to need more support. He said that I can send him a message via the patient website thingy if I need to communicate to him in between visits. I might send him one next week to increase the citalopram as 20 mg doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It takes a long time for this drug to work but I was hoping to see some difference by now. I have been on it for two weeks. I am going to give it another week before I contact him.
I have been reading two books on women and slavery. The first book is Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it is about women in the Civil War and how they fought. It focuses on the laws of how to deal with the treason and such. It is interesting but it keeps going back forth with the law and says the creator of the law one too many times.
The second book I am reading is called Medical Bondage by Diedre Cooper Owens. It is about the way American gynecology had its beginning, with enslaved women. It is pretty sad because their doctors who were just learning the skills often ended up killing the women they were supposed to heal. These women often were not named but were written about in medical journals of the time before the American Medical Association came to be in 1847. Before this organization was established there was hardly any ethics involved in treating enslaved women. It was do whatever they want often without their consent or if the woman said no the treatment was done anyways against her wishes because her owner said yes to the procedure. This was all done to ensure the reproductive organs of these women were viable so that more children could be born. The book is short so I probably will finish it before the Women’s War book.
Trans issues 10
The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.
I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.
Random thoughts 05082020
I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.
I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.
Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.
I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.
I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.
I have been feeling off all week. Wed I contacted my surgeon and he said to go to the ED to get evaluated. I got evaluated alright, complete with MRIs. I got there and I felt like I was going to collapse. They had put me in the least but fastest track in the ED. Until they took my blood pressure and labs. Then it was thought I needed to be monitored a little more closely. I went to the Acute part of the ED and was hooked up to monitors and stuff. I was given antibiotics because my white count was very high, indicating infection of some sort. Nothing has revealed itself to be the source of infection though so I am not sure what is going on. My labs yesterday were better but my white count was still high. I mostly stayed awake in the ED and when I came home yesterday, I couldn’t crash right away. It took some time for my body to settle down. I was so overtired.
I still haven’t gotten my blood culture results yet. All the rest of have come back negative. My urine is clean and so is my chest. They did a chest x-ray yesterday to rule out pneumonia or another lung ailment. I feel crappy but I talked with the PT yesterday and she said it could be that I am deconditioned and that is why I feel so crappy. I think I do have something going on with the fluid collection that is making me tired. I don’t know what will happen now. I got to be in touch with my neurosurgeon and see what the plan is now. I am to start outpatient PT again. I plan on calling next week to see if my PT is available. She is really good and I rather see someone that knows me than someone new.
The weird part of this infection that I got is that I am not running a fever. I just feel worn out and sluggish. I got back pain with it but I think that has to do with the surgery than anything. I was completely feeling rotten yesterday from lack of sleep and I think I am on the mend now. I just hope the antibiotics work and I don’t need to be on them again.
I did feel uncomfortable in the ED because I kept on getting misgendered. No one asked what my pronouns were so they just assumed I was female, even though my chart says the opposite. Usually they are really good but not everyone was up to reading my chart I guess. The ED RN was really good. She found me a turkey sandwich. It was nice of her to do that. She said I was her nicest patient for the shift. I guess her first one had tried to hit her. I feel bad for these RNs that have to deal with violent patients. Doesn’t make the night a good one. I tried not calling her for things if I could avoid it. She did check in on me every so often so that helped. I couldn’t sleep at all while I was there. I was up for over 24 hours. I just lost track of time.
I just wanted to shower when I came home from the hospital. I did and regret it as I couldn’t go on. I felt so weak and tired. I don’t know how I managed to get dressed. I felt like I was in there for more than an hour just trying to get dressed. It was awful. I didn’t put on my PJs. It was too hot. I just went to my room in my underwear. Luckily, my nephew didn’t see me.