Gender dysphoria flares again
I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.
Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.
I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.
I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.
Feeling ill with no sleep and little appetite
I realized when I got on my laptop today that it has been almost three days since my last post. It has been difficult to write because I haven’t been sleeping well and pain has been a bitch. Also been feeling under the weather the past few days and not sure if I am getting a cold or what. My voice has been all over the fricken map. I think I am going to email my doc and be like when is this going to stabilize because I can’t stand one minute I have vocals and the next I don’t or sound like a frog! I know this is a process but I thought it would be gradual progression not a constant up and down thing. I did a pic on IG. You can definitely see a change and my chin is being more defined. Just wish I could lose a little weight to get rid of the fat under it.
I have been trying to eat but lately I just don’t feel like it. Not sure if this is mood related or because I am just not feeling well. One minute I feel fine and the next dizzy and weak. I’ve been at least trying to increase my fluids but even that is difficult. I was supposed to see my psych today but I didn’t fall asleep till almost 7 am this morning. My sleep has been so fucking awful. I am not sure if my last post said that a social worker called for a phone eval for a therapist. I thought the social worker that works with my PCP was just going to outright refer me to someone and then they would call me. Now I got to wait six weeks to find out if they will take me on. Fuck. It doesn’t really matter any as right now I am having so much trouble walking and going out it isn’t funny anymore. Since my double appointment last week, I have been recovering. I thought I was okay but Tuesday I had gone out after putting my groceries away and I guess that was too much. My right calf is just horrible and the more I try and stretch it or walk, it just kills. I also had cramps in my foot the other day which freaked me out. I have been sleeping with a pillow between my legs since because I think my left foot has been pressing on the golf ball, causing it to cramp because I have overused the muscles so much. I really don’t like this going to one appointment or go out for something, like getting my haircut, and then being immobile the next few days. I really can’t limp on either leg for support because that just makes it worse. When I am downstairs I use the walker to get around so I am not putting so much weight on my legs. I still sort of limp unconsciously. Then the heel pain jacks up and I really am done. For two days, my CRPS pain was down the lowest it had ever been. I think it was because the heel pain was so high it couldn’t process the other pain. Well, last night while moving the pillow under the sheets, I “hit” my big toe on the CRPS foot and set it off. Then I moved my ankle two hours after taking the breakthrough med and I was up all night. I was so fricken tired I couldn’t get comfortable. I was playing with the pillows, turning it this way and that, then switching to the body pillow but couldn’t get that right either. I was so fucking annoyed.
I was supposed to go do an errand for my mother today but because I haven’t been feeling well, my mother did it. I forgot to renew my T-pass for the month so will have to pay when I go out again. I am hoping I can go to the Square tomorrow to get the ground beef I need for my barber’s dish I been promising him. Then I have been waiting for two bills to clear my checking account only to find out I never paid them. I think I paid the majority of my bills in the early morning on Wed when I got paid, went back to sleep with the thoughts of doing it when I got up, and forgot. Oh well. I am glad I paid today because one of them was due tomorrow. Oops!
Because I am not seeing my psych, I have been emailing her to try and get the Lamictal called in. I’ve sent her two emails because Sunday is my last dose and I don’t have anymore. I hated cancelling but I really didn’t feel well and will being up all night, I didn’t think it was a good idea. If I have to, I will try and Uber to my PT appointment Tuesday. I hope that this PT regimen will pay off because I didn’t have as much calf pain as I do now since the whole stretching bullshit. I have had to modify how long I hold the stretch to just ten seconds and rest a bit before doing another. Last night I got so annoyed, I just did two stretches and think I positioned the belt wrong because my ankle flared up. Like WTF. Seems like every time I do something I have one step forward and ten back! I just decided I am just going to do what I can to try and get my ankle and foot functioning but it is so damn hard when pain stops you. The heel pain is so fucking intense it literally consumes the whole of you. I’ve never had pain that bad before, aside from the CRPS pain, but this is probably worse! Least the pain meds are controlling the CRPS pain. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol for the heel pain. Nothing else seems to work. There was a study on using these two together to reduce pain after hip replacement surgery. Pain relief was only for three days but I will take it if it calms it down enough for me to do the exercises and not flare it back up. Standing after I have been reclining in bed for a while is the worse because my CRPS ankle bones feel like they are being crushed and that pain takes a while to subside before I can put my right foot down, while then my heel starts hurting. How I have been walking is beyond me. Maybe I should consider a cortisone shot though it goes against my beliefs. I had one cortisone injection in my wrist many years ago and it helped the tendonitis pain I was having. Maybe one shot will do the trick and then I won’t hurt so much. I got the new ankle brace (the 4th one I am trying). I didn’t realize it had straps to go underneath. That might aggravate the golf ball and heel. I will have to try it out. Just getting up the nerve to use it. LOL
New PCP and of course, pain
I had two appointments today, one for PT and then another with a new PCP. PT went okay. By the time I reached the train station after, I had to take off the support for my ankle I was wearing. It was causing too much heel pain. When I got to the hospital for the pcp (primary care provider) appointment, I took some pain meds and ibuprofen. My heel felt like it was being split in half. I have no idea how I endured this much pain without passing out. I used the walker as I navigated the hospital. I only went in the hospital rather than the streets because it snowed last night and I wasn’t sure how the sidewalks would be. I also didn’t want the wheels to get salt on them.
I was seen rather quickly. I was met with a social worker and the doctor. They introduced themselves and told me more about the transgender program as well as the services they provided. They offered counseling and I asked if I could meet with someone as I was having difficulty with my current one. I did mention that I was having mobility issues so it was okay if I didn’t see them right away. I also asked her if there was a way to deal with financial issues as I really would like to start saving some money a month but currently I can’t because I am an impulsive spender due to my mental illness. She said we could meet to work it out. She said she would set up the time and then send me a message when she did as she didn’t have her calendar in front of her.
She left and then the doctor examined me while talking some more about things. He agreed to take over my pain management. I was so happy. He asked about top surgery and we talked about it for a bit. He said I would need a note from my psychiatrist before I could have it. Then it would be some working with my insurance to pay for it. I am excited about this but as I was emailing my psych to tell her about him, I kind of realized I don’t know if I am as ready as I think I am. I mean, things have been moving so fast since Oct. I am not sure I want to have surgery after being on testosterone for only four months! I haven’t really thought what it will be like after my chest is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I want these guys gone, but I am sort of attached to them! It is weird. I have to think about it some more. I do kind of wish I had my therapist to talk to just to bounce ideas off him. But I don’t right now. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about it that isn’t coercive about it. The social work did mention a group that is at the hospital that is just transmen to talk and support one another. I am going to look into it. It would be nice to meet others going through this that are around my age. We joked about it as I often get the younger look and I am not that young! She said she was a few months older than I was. I found that funny because she didn’t look her age either!
I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist but I see her next week. I feel like she is my only support right now as I am not seeing my therapist due to mobility issues. This is the first time I have been without a therapist because I couldn’t walk to their office. Makes me miss my former therapist all the more because we had phone sessions. I have no idea what kind of therapist the social worker has in mind that I see or where. The hospital is a huge place with office space all over the area. I can talk to my psychiatrist, she is easy going about it. I just don’t know if I am ready for the conversation with her. We have never discussed this subject before though when I asked her to change my sex on my license, she was more than willing to do so. She is okay with me being a different sex for than when she first met me 26 years ago. I really wonder if they ask kids how they feel about themselves if they have problems. I know that if I was asked when I was 19 or so if I felt comfortable being a female or not, I know I would have answered yes. I remember having to go through a pap smear even though I wasn’t sexually active and then being placed on birth control pills because I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I asked my psychiatrist treating me in the hospital if it would change me into a woman, basically, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that because I didn’t want to sound crazy. When she read my memoir a couple years ago, she said it made sense now rather than then and I saw her for three years. I don’t know if I would gone through transition then as my mother was not cool with my sexuality. But she isn’t happy now with me being me either. I just don’t know about what will happen when my boobs are gone. I have thought about it in passing but now that the surgery is like yeah when do you want to talk to the surgeon, I am taken aback. I guess part of me is still waiting for someone to say to me you are a female not a male get with the program or something. But I can’t help but feel masculine. I don’t like being female. I am not female. I am a male. I just don’t know about things right now. I think I want to wait till I feel comfortable talking to my psych before I talk to a surgeon.
I have my friend’s husband reading my Darkness Always Wins book. He is giving me some insights into it. He is honest about it but I can tell it is hard. I just bluntly write shit. I guess that is why my story hasn’t been written. It also doesn’t help that the T is redoing the bridge on the main street that takes me to the Square. I am so upset that I won’t be going to Starbucks as frequently as I was. Since my therapist and I have halted sessions, I haven’t been to the square as much. I am so depressed about this. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. I might have to seriously have money put aside for Uber (and stick with it!) just to go to another Starbucks that is hard to get to due to a long walk. On days I am okay, it might be okay to walk that far but on a regular basis, no way. And I would seriously have to commit to writing on my story and not play on my phone while there. I want my brain emptied! So to speak…