transition appt and other things

Transition appt and other things

I’ve had an early day as I woke up around 5. I decided to stay up as I needed to get up at 7 to shower and get ready to leave the house the latest at 815. I played with my phone, talking to a fellow tweety buddy about stuff. I had woken up with spaghetti arms and she never heard of the term. I explained that it was a side effect of my antipsychotic medication. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen now and then. Around 6 I decided to heat up a burrito and then shower. For some reason, my heating method didn’t work as well as before as parts of the burrito were cold. I might have to use the second side at 40 seconds rather than 30. I had a glass of juice and then hit the shower.

By the time I was done, I was wiped out. I had about 45 minutes before I had to get dressed so I decided to risk laying down. I set my alarm and when it went off, I didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed for another ten minutes before getting dressed and leaving the house. It was sunny out and a little chilly but it would warm up a little by the time I got home. I just caught the bus to the station. While I was on my way, my friend texted me saying that she couldn’t meet me because something came up. She felt bad as she was looking forward to seeing me. I told her not to worry. I will be having frequent trips to the health center so there will be other opportunities.

The appt went well. I asked him what to do with the one female hormone I am taking to stop my periods. He said once I start testosterone, I can switch to a progesterone only pill until the T builds up in my system to adequately stop my menses. I might have a period or two while adjusting. He needs to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist and then I think by next appt, I could be ready to go for T shots. It will be weekly and could take as long as 6 months to show changes because of my age. I asked about top surgery and he said that can be discussed once I have begun changing. He asked if I wanted bottom surgery and I said no due to my nerve injury. I still don’t know how T is going to affect my sex drive or how it is going to be. I am kind of worried because when I was sexually active (some 15+ yrs ago), after my nerve injury it was very painful and I hated it. Since I have been out of that crummy relationship, I have not been with anyone. It’s so damn hard because even my urine is fucked up some days. Like the other day it was like all I did was pee. Then the next day, I hardly peed at all, no matter how much I drank. It’s so frustrating.

With the length of this transition, I am kind of thinking of how my plan is going to be and what to do about it. I haven’t put anything in motion, mostly because I haven’t been up during business hours to place phone calls. I emailed my psychiatrist in a kind of panic email about all of this as I was in a pain flare and basically going nuts like I do. I just get so overwhelmed with anxiety during a flare, like the world is ending kind of feeling. I also become more suicidal as I want to escape the pain. I don’t want to live anymore if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life in horrific pain every single day. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile going through the transition or to start it. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking it will pass and I can manage the pain again, but then there are days where I am set in my ways and I want to go through with it. I still have time as it will take some time to organize things. I have no deep rush. I do know it will be sometime this year. I just don’t know when, specifically.

The Hunt for Picante Sauce

The hunt for Picante sauce

I was in severe pain last night after taking my night time dose of pain meds. It wasn’t even two mins in my system when I moved to lay down that my ankle exploded in severe pain. It was then the waiting game of what to do/take. I was up till around 4. Around 3 I got hungry and heated up the breakfast burrito I made a few days ago. I wanted something spice and found a packet of picante sauce from McDonalds. YES! It was so good. My belly was full and I was able to get to sleep, though it wasn’t restful as I kept waking up every couple of hours, with my med alarm scaring the crap out of me. I would have stayed in bed but I had to see my therapist. I woke up shortly after 11 so there was no chance of a shower. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. My mother made pancakes and saved me some. I took them with me to have at Starbucks with my much needed espresso.

I got to Starbucks and had 5 shots of espresso and the pancakes. It was good. I then wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for my therapist’s office. It was bloody cold but I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt and that made me sweat. My ankle was still bothering me so I took a strong pain pill to keep it quiet. In my Painsomnia state, I had written an email to my psychiatrist that was basically telling her I was going through with Plan A. She had responded with some weird inquiries so I had some explaining to do. We exchanged emails and I think everything is sorted. Not quite sure though as she never responded with my last email.

I went to my therapist’s office and session went well. He was surprised that the pain doc and my PCP had decided to go collaborate and not include me in the conversation. It is still a mystery why my psychiatrist needs to be involved. I asked him if the LGBT doc had been in touch with him and he said that they were looking for my entire record from him. He didn’t send it because he wanted to talk to me first and I am glad he did because I do not want them to have the record. They may talk to him, but I do not want what we talk about to be shared. He said that he is willing to write a letter if they need it but it will cost me. I am not worried about that. He said he would prefer a phone call. I agreed. So Friday when I meet with the doc, I will ask him what he wants with my therapist. As of yet, the LGBT doc has not contacted my psychiatrist. I have no idea if he got my medical records or what. Now I am really nervous about the appt.

I am on the fence on moving forward with my transition because of my plan. I am going to send my PCP a message about what he plans on doing with my pain meds. I am planning on picking up the script on Wed, if they are ready. After therapy, I went on my picante sauce hunt. I went to the grocery store at the Square and they had shit selection but no picante sauce. The eggs were also up thirty cents since I bought them Saturday. I went to another grocery store and they had the picante sauce! Yay! I bought three dozen eggs and a half gallon of juice, my kind as the one my sister bought my mother sucks. It is from concentrate and I like it not from concentrate. It just tastes better. I got home and had to shower. I was sweating and because I was holding my urine, I leaked pretty good. I felt gross. I knew my ankle wasn’t going to like it but that is what pain meds were for.

After the shower, I had dinner that my mother made. Then she yelled at me because I spent so much on the eggs. I should have destroyed the receipt but I forgot I left it in the bag. It wasn’t even her money! She said she wasn’t sending me shopping anymore. Fine. Whatever. I don’t give a shit. You buy your eggs and I’ll buy mine!

I just made a cup of orange spice tea and I am going to relax the rest of the night. My back and ankle are killing me. I hope I am not up all night again. I need to clean out my backpack and find out what the hell is so damn heavy. I think I am going to switch to my messenger bag. It is time for a change anyway. Time to rock the Pearl Jam bag!

at a complete loss

At a complete loss

I had requested my medical records from the pain clinic to see what they said about me. Mostly I wanted to see if they got things right and then see what else the fellow wrote. Basically, they don’t want to treat me because of excuse after excuse in opioid therapy. They really didn’t offer much in ways of treatment, other than to continue with PT (don’t see that happening if my pain is not controlled!)

I feel defeated. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will tell her I plan on seeing an assisted suicide doctor. I don’t see what choice I have. I do have my second appt with the pain clinic but at this point, why bother? They aren’t going to do anything to help me. It says as much in their notes. I am not idiot.

I got my medical insurance invoice. The premium is now over $200 I have to pay every month. Just lovely. I knew it would be as my medical (not including vision and dental) is $198. Unfortunately, I need this in order to pay for my prescriptions.

I know my family and friends and bloggers will miss me. I wish I could stay. I just can’t bear the pain anymore. I was up and down stairs all day because we had the plumbers here to fix the shower. I also had to tell my mother what they were saying because she is hard of hearing. Even though I took a nap, I feel like shit. My ankle and foot are so damn angry at me because I took a shower. I had to. I haven’t had one all week! This is getting ridiculous. I was used to shower every other day. Now it’s maybe twice a week. Yeah, my quality of life is so good. Maybe I should cash in my pension from the hospital so my family won’t have to worry about funeral expenses. I know how hard it was when my father passed. We had a whopping few hundred dollar inheritance after all was said and done. Think I bought groceries with mine. I live the life. HAHA.

I know my psychiatrist is going to put up a fight with me. I am not looking forward to it. I hate arguing with her. But she is for life. She has done her best to keep me alive all these years. Just wish other doctors were as dedicated. She has been my biggest supporter, even when I thought there was nothing left for me do, as I have many times before. This time feels different. I don’t know when. I think I shall start the process of getting my pension and once I have it, pay off all my debts then give the remainder to my sister to “hold” for me. I know what a pain it will be to access my accounts once I am gone. It was hell just to write a check when my father passed.

Gender Dysphoria

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. The weigh so heavy for some reason Maybe it is because of the pain.

I vant decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

LGBT appt and other things

LGBT appt and other things

I woke up early this morning to see the LGBT doc. I was nervous about it. I got there and I had to have them change my name. I thought I had my insurance card on me and I didn’t. They had the right info though so didn’t need it, it was just my name that needed changing. I liked the doc. He answered my questions and said that because I had a history of bipolar, he needed to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist. He also said that it will be a few appointments before I get started on hormones. I already figured that. He said that testosterone might increase mania. He asked if he wanted to transfer my primary care there and I was hesitant. I told him I was on pain meds and he said he had no problem taking over. I am not happy with my current PCP so I took a chance and said okay. Now I got to let my PCP know he is fired.

I have an appt with the new doc in seven weeks, which is more than what my pain meds would be for another refill. I would have to keep my current PCP a little longer. I see him the week before the appt with the new doc so I will tell him I am planning on transferring then.

I have been in so much pain since I came home. Because I was up early, I have been trying to sleep but dammit, half my ankle and foot go berserk every time I lay down. The last time, the pain was so painful and indescribable, I just started crying. The pain then caused my shin muscles to cramp up. I needed to get the heat pack and of course my bladder forced me downstairs because it had to be emptied. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to go down another flight of stairs to use my sister’s bathroom. There was no way I could hold it long. When my bladder says it is time to go, it’s time to go.

I hope I am not up all night in pain. I am so tired of sleepless nights. I might try finishing the baseball book. I just don’t know if I have the brain power. I feel so foggy from being sleep deprived. I think tomorrow I am just going to rest. I am not going to do a damn thing. I’ll try and change my sheets Sunday. I might make the zucchini bread then too. I don’t know. I know that anything I do gives me pain. A member of my support group says I should walk when in severe pain. OK. That doesn’t help me.

When I came home, it was freezing in my room because it was windy out. I had tried to nap but the wind was so bad it was rattling the doors in my room, and they were closed! It was scaring me so I had to close the window. Now my room is hot again. My foot has now gone from indescribable pain to burning. I really don’t want to take the Neurontin because I think it causes dizziness the next day. I don’t know why it is causing this now as I have been taking it for years. I only took 600 mg last night. I usually take more.

One thing that stands out from the LGBT doc is that he asked me if I had any Narcan. It is a drug used to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. I told him I was never prescribed this med. He said he would as I could accidently overdose. Although I have often felt like taking a handful when my pain is bad, I don’t take more than I should. I take my two tabs every six hours or so follow by the strong pain pill if I need it a few hours later. I am very careful with my meds, all of them, not just the opioids I take. The only med I might take more of is the Neurontin. But I haven’t been doing that lately because my appetite is out of control the next day. I have also gained a lot of weight the past two months. I hate it. I feel so yucky. I hate myself for letting myself get so fat. I’ve been trying to cut back but there are days when I only eat one meal and then there are days where I am always hungry. I can’t win with these meds. The testosterone might cause weight gain too. I don’t know what I am going to do about that. It could just be more muscle than fat but in my mind, more weight just is an issue regardless. It’s not like I can go to a gym and workout. I would love to go back on a treadmill or even walk to the train station like I used to as either one is about 1 mile from my house. I really miss walking. If you are abled bodied, please don’t ever take walking for granted. You never know when it will be taken away from you.