Therapy black out
Trigger warning sexual abuse talk
I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.
Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.
I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.
I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.
I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.
Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
Just about eight weeks post op hysterectomy
I am just about eight weeks post op (tomorrow will officially mark the eighth week) and today was the first full active day I have had. I woke up and got up before eight this morning. I made myself an egg and had a cup of tea as I wanted tea. My friend sent it from England as a recovery gift. It was good tea. A little later I had a cup of coffee with the last of my creamer. My groceries arrived in the afternoon so I was going up and down stairs a lot. Then I went to the bank to deposit money so I wasn’t in the red anymore. I had to borrow money from my mother. I just hope I can pay her back when I get paid.
I came home and I was out of breath. It took me several minutes to catch it and relax. I was sweating the whole time I was bringing the groceries up the stairs and I was sweating again when I came home. I had stopped at the pharmacy before coming home to pick up my meds and that little fucking hill I have to walk up plus going up two flights of stairs with two bags of Gatorade bottles was too much for me. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and luckily I was normally breathing by the time he logged on.
I told him I was depressed and he could see that I was. He offered some trans support website which I sent out to. There was another one which I tried to email but for some reason I was unable to copy the email address from Zoom. I had to write it down. I am not sure I am going to email this person because they are far from me and I don’t have a car to get there should they meet in person. Plus insurance is a factor as well. I rather go to a free group than have it be a therapeutic one which I have to pay for. I told him about the increase in Pristiq and he said that by the time we see each other next (in Nov), he hopes the med will provide me some relief of the depression. I told him about my B&B issues making me a hermit in the house. I just don’t feel comfortable using public restrooms to cath. I still have to go to the lab to give a urine sample to make sure I don’t have an infection. I have been having some bladder pain lately and even though my urine is clear, I want to make sure it really is.
I called uro today to schedule the appointment for the testing but the doc didn’t “order” the test that they could see so I have to wait for the medical assistant to call me. I was hoping to hear back from her this afternoon but nope, no calls. Tomorrow I have an early dentist appointment and plan to go to the hosp afterwards to drop off the urine sample. I just hope I wake up like I did today or the appointment might be missed. I have to leave a half hour before the appointment because I will be going uphill and I know I will be short of breath. I want to be sure I am breathing close to normal when I go to the office.
I am making a chicken pot pie for dinner. Tomorrow I might make a small marinara sauce so I can have spaghetti and meatballs. I hid my spaghetti so no one will eat it. Every time I want a particular pasta it seems to be gone as my nephew eats pasta all the time.
I had Starbucks while out so I am caffeinated for tonight’s ballgame. The stomach tightening has already begun with the stupid stat predictions and shit. If we can get to the starting pitcher early, we might have a chance to win. But our pitcher has to be nasty Nate or we will be in trouble. It is a win or go home kind of game so if we lose, we are done. Baseball season is over for me, at least with the Sox. It will continue with the winner of the game.
I think I did too much with the bags I had to carry. 45 bottles of Gatorade and 10 gallons of water I had to bring up the stairs. I am not supposed to be lifting anything over 10lbs at least for another four weeks. I am considered healed though as I am at the eight week mark. I wish my bladder was in better condition than what it is. I really hope the urodynamic testing gives me some answers that are favorable. Even if it shows that I don’t have to cath every time, I still have to cath for residual as I am not emptying my bladder when I void. I don’t know how going to a trans support group would be helpful with my medical issues but maybe having just someone that understands the dysphoria will help.