feeling shocked and in a flare

Feeling shocked and in a flare

I’ve been in pain since 5 this morning. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the pain program. I tried leaving a voicemail for the scheduler but she doesn’t work on Thursdays. So I wrote a message to both people I was seeing today through the gateway thingy. Then when my med alarm went off, I called the office to make sure they got the message.

Around 11 or so, my sister texted me asking if I got results from the MRI. I said I probably would in the afternoon or tomorrow. Around 2 PM I was feeling tired and wanted a nap so sent off a message to my PCP’’s office to see if results were back. I didn’t expect anything and tried to snooze but my damn brain wouldn’t shut off because I was aggravated with the noise from the TV. I turned on the whisperer and tried to relax but that wasn’t happening. Around 3, my PCP’s office called it was the idiot NP I met last week. Guess what? I didn’t have plantar fasciitis! I had a muscle tear. Lovely. I was shocked by the news I forgot to say I told you so and you’re an idiot but just hung up the phone after she told me to call an ankle specialist. I got to get a copy of the MRI and report. I feel so fucking nervous about this. My left foot has been throbbing all day and my right is just hurting because it is bruised. The part that is torn is also hurting me. UGH I hope I don’t need surgery.

It has been hard to stand most of the day. I thought resting would be good. I cleaned out my nightstand drawer because I had shit in there that was making it hard to open and close it. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need, found some memorabilia from the Sox my former therapist gave me as well as her birthday cards over the years. I also found an email from my good friend in South Africa that I kept for sentimental reasons. There were some old stamps in my drawer. At least a half a dozen pens. Some worked and some didn’t. I left them in the drawer. By the time I was done, I had reorganized it so I knew where stuff was and it wasn’t so cluttered. It also opened and shut easily.

I tried clearing my book stacks but my back was telling me no. I got a box for my journals. I should reinforce the seams with tape so the weight doesn’t make it come apart. I threw two journals that were out in the open in it. I think I might throw the books that I have read in it as well as it is a big box. I don’t know. When I am feeling better, I will decide.

I emailed my PT about the muscle tear. She was as shocked as I was. She told me to make sure I find a doc that specializes in the foot and ankle. I have someone in mind though they are out of network. I am not sure what my bill will be afterwards. If I need surgery, I will have to see someone else. I will definitely want a second opinion. I don’t want to see the docs at the Partners hospital I go to. I might see someone outside of Boston. Or maybe a different hospital. I am not sure if I should continue with the pain program or not because I don’t want to worsen the tear. It is going to be awhile before I can get a copy of the MRI. I don’t know how soon I can get to see this doctor I want to see. I am hoping just being in a boot for a few weeks helps, though walking will be very difficult.

I need to shower but I made dinner tonight, which wasn’t in my plans but my mother was tired so. I might do it later. I want to just read my book but so far I haven’t had a chance as I just been on social media. I really need to set a timer or something to stop playing on my phone. While I was cleaning out my drawer, I found some thumb drives. There some work files as well as some other stuff. I found some old pictures of my nieces and nephew with my father. Brought up some memories of him. I do miss him.

Red Sox and other boring stuff

Red Sox and other boring stuff

The Red Sox won the game on Sunday night. The game got over some time before 1145 pm and I was so excited and thrilled. It was so awesome. But the excitement gave me pain. I have no idea what happened but my malleolus felt like it was bring ripped out and I couldn’t sleep all night. I think I finally went to sleep around 5 ish. Then my med alarm woke me up so I took my meds. I had a dentist appointment in the morning and they called around 11 when I woke up next. They wanted to know if I could come in early. I said sure. I will get dressed and be there soon. They didn’t take me till 1130, my original appointment time so I don’t know why they called. I found it annoying. I didn’t have cavities, which was good.

I caught the bus that lead me to another bus to the square. I wasn’t hungry so I just got some espresso and some small scones. I really haven’t had much of an appetite the past few days. I got to the station and when I got off, I crossed the street. It must not have been level because I fell down on my right side. I didn’t hurt myself but I am really sore. My jeans got dirty and sort of wet as it had been raining on and off most of the day. I took the bus to my therapist’s office and decided I was going to take an Uber home. I wasn’t going to take the T home. I had enough and just wanted to be home as quick as possible. Except that I had to go to the pharmacy to get my mother’s prescription. I had to wait as it wasn’t ready yet. I was mad at this because my mother usually calls it in in the morning. It was now nearly 4 pm. Like what the fuck. I waited and bought a sharps container for my needles.

I got home but wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to sleep and I did. I woke up a few hours later and decided to have some tea. I took my night meds and then had some tea. It didn’t keep me awake. I fell asleep no sooner than 5 minutes after I finished it. I was just so tired. I don’t know if it is the testosterone that is making me feel so tired or what. I am going to try and sleep at normal times the next week or so and see if there is a change. It might just be the excitement of the games and stuff that is making me feel tired throughout the day.

I woke up around 5 in severe pain. My foot was killing me. So much for starting the day right. It didn’t settle down for another hour or so when meds kicked in. I decided to take my meds then and shut the alarm off so I could sleep. I still wasn’t hungry when I woke up. I had some cookies with some tea. I think I went back to sleep. I don’t remember. I know I had to take a shower. A friend texted me as she wanted me to do something for her. I said sure and she said she will email the details to me.

I have my MRI for my right foot tonight. My sister will be taking me and I am glad. I am just wearing my PJs. I don’t think I will wear my brace. Just sneakers. I think I have one in my room and the other downstairs. I really don’t feel like wearing my brace. I hope it does and doesn’t turn out okay. I just want to know why I keep getting the golf ball swelling on my foot. I am really sore on my right side where I fell. There are no visible bruises but it hurts.

My therapist won’t be in tomorrow so I plan on voting early. I just got to figure out how to get there. I wish I could walk up the streets but nope. I probably will have to go to the Square and then catch one of two buses to where I have to go. Long as I get my espresso, that is all I will need.

Being really tired because of chronic pain

Being really tired because of chronic pain

Friday night, I was up really late because the Sox game went into historic extra innings. By 330 am, the game was still going on. It was the top of the 18th inning and I decided to go to bed. I was in pain and needed sleep. The Dodgers ended up winning in the bottom of the 18th. It was the longest game in the history of World Series playoffs. I didn’t wake up until after 1500 yesterday. I had sort woke up but I looked at the time and said five more minutes and never got up. My mother never called me (I wouldn’t hear her ring anyways as I had do not disturb on).

I got up and had something to eat. I just had some corn muffins that I bought. That was all I wanted. Then I went back to my room. I was still groggy so I didn’t want to write a blog. I didn’t know if I was going to listen to the game as the stadium was really loud and the announcers were pissing me off. Lou had traveled to LA and OMG was so annoying. I stayed up for about 6 innings I think, I couldn’t keep track of the game because all the announcers were talking bullshit instead of calling the game. Who was warming up, the pitch count of the pitcher, whether Cora was going to bring in another pitcher, all this shit rather than balls and strikes. So When the Dodgers scored their first run and then E-Rod gave up a 3 run shot, I thought the game was over. I wasn’t going to listen to it anymore. Also my cousin was texting me about how the first 4 batters were like 0 for 39 or something like that. I don’t care as long as they are in the game! They will hit once they find their groove. I went to bed. I felt bad about doing so but I was tired, my foot exploded and I just couldn’t take the negativity anymore.

I woke up around 3 am today. We won 9-6! I was so fucking happy. This makes the series 3-1. One more Sox win and we win the whole thing. Tonight’s game is so damn important and I am not going to miss it!! But I thought I would write a blog as it has been two days since I wrote one. I just haven’t been in the mood to write. I am going to have pancakes and coffee later. I really haven’t eaten since Friday. I made my wings and they came out so damn good. I might make a brownie recipe today. I am not sure though. It has beets in it and I have to figure out how many beets is equivalent to what is called for. I was supposed to get whole beets and but instead I got sliced beets. UGH! I am so annoyed. My friend said they were good. She and her husband liked it. So I think it should be good. I love brownies anyways. I have never had them with beets, but we shall see.

I also got really angry with my cousin with bipolar disorder. I was trying to nap before the game and right when I was ready to doze off, he calls me. I didn’t answer as I didn’t want to talk to him. He left me a ridiculous message about how he thinks he saw me at the bus stop but he was going to work so he couldn’t stop, like if he sees me at the bus stop he HAS to take me to where ever I am going. I like the gesture but he doesn’t have to do this. His brother doesn’t do this, my uncle certainly doesn’t, so why should he? He said he couldn’t bring me anyways as he was running late. UGH so why are you telling me this?? Then he tells me he “has been calling me.” No he hasn’t. There is this thing on my phone called a log and it would tell me if you called. I haven’t heard from you in a month or more. So stop lying. Nothing I hate worse than a liar. And I am sure the whole seeing me at the bus stop is a lie too. He thinks he can get away with it and when I bring it up to him, he says why haven’t I called him. Fuck you, buddy. I have enough shit going on in my life that I don’t need to hear your lies. So I am not going to return his call. Soon after he got my voicemail and left me the phony message, he called my mother asking where I was. Jerk. That is what he does. He will call me, asking about her and then call her asking about me. Loser he is. That just drives me fucking crazy.

I took some Miralax today because it has been a while since I last went. I was going good for a while and then nothing. I don’t know why. I just hope it works before the game because I don’t want to be shitting while the game is going on! HAHA. I am also really excited because this is another T dose week. I can’t wait till Wednesday. There are already some changes to my face and I love it. I can’t wait for more to come.