Tag Archives: baseball

8 Aug 2018

8 Aug 2018

I had a good session with my therapist. I told him about the saga with my primary care office. I had to nurses, both beginning names with B that I called bubbleheads because that is what they are. After we talked about those idiots, I told him about how my suicidality was up and down and all around. He said that it seemed like I got some powerful emotions going on that overwhelm me and then my thoughts say fuck it, end my life. He was right about that. I am very overwhelmed with things right now, not only in trying to get my pain somewhat managed and taking care of my mother. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the lunatic wasn’t over the house every damn day as she is just stressing me out to the point where I don’t even want to be home to hear her. My mother isn’t that bad. She can manage breakfast, the lunatic usually does lunch, and then my middle sister does dinner if I am not home. Next week is going to be hard because I told him, I have a shit ton of free time as he and my psychiatrist is away. He then said I am free to text him until Saturday night as he leaves Sunday and won’t be available. That kind of helped me as his texts kind of reassure me that someone is validating what I am feeling.

I asked if it was stupid to get a planner and just “schedule” some things. He said no and encouraged me to do it. So after the appointment, I went to Walgreens as they have school planners available. I would have gone to Slate, but it was raining. I should have gone to Slate as I bought the wrong fucking planner. It is a 2019 planner, not a 2018-2019 one. Fucking idiot I am. I got my old planner out and ordered undated calendar refills. They didn’t have weekly ones so I am not sure what I am getting. At least that will hold me for a while. It was 5 bucks so not a huge deal. I can use the other planner when the year starts, if I am still around.

I don’t think I had the air cast on right. I swear every time I use it, I have it a different way than the way I had it before. By the time I left my therapist’s office and was waiting for the bus home, my right Achilles was hurting me. I wanted to take it off but I knew it would be a good idea as I am so fricken tired. I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I just crashed around 8 pm. I don’t think I am going to watch the game tonight. I missed the home run derby last night in the 10th inning. All I know is one minute the game is tied, the next it is 10-5 Sox. Game over. LOL. We got our 80th win. Sweet. I am so happy for our team. I love my boys. I have included some of my favorite players in this blog. Hope I don’t get in trouble for using it lol

L to R, Andrew (Benny) Benintendi, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt

Rambling 29 July 2018

Rambling 29 July 2018

I didn’t do much yesterday but sleep because I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am. I had a bad night of pain. I sent an email to my psych around 4 and then took an Ativan and that finally got me to sleep. I put my phone on do not disturb but set my alarm so I could take my morning meds. With the do not disturb, my app alarm doesn’t work.

Sox won. I listened to the game, though around the 7th inning, I was getting sleepy so tried to sleep. My foot decided to explode. It was hurting me before I laid down but then it really started to hurt. I took some Neurontin. It didn’t work. I put some lidocaine on, and that seemed to calm it down a bit.

My cousin was calling me a few times during the day. He gets anxious if you ignore him. I really think, after talking to him tonight, that he is paranoid. He seems to think his mother and sister want him to move out of his apartment so his other brother can live there. I don’t know. That seems kind of crazy to me. I don’t know where he will go. He says he can’t live on his own, but yet he is. He can do a lot of things I can. I told him I might have to go into assisted living if something happens to my mother. I can’t be on my own because I never know when my ankle is going to go out on me. I can’t keep up with house chores. I found that out Thursday when I tried to do six loads of laundry. It took a lot out of me.

I have some dishes in the sink but I was too tired to do them after I ate. I used my last cold brew iced tea bag today. I have it brewing in the fridge right now. It is probably done now but a few more hours won’t hurt. I like it to be strong. I think you can use regular tea bags but I think it takes longer to brew or maybe you use hot water and then cool it so you have iced tea. I have a hyperchill think I can use. It works great for coffee. I just make coffee like I do for hot and then put it in this cup with ice around the chamber and it cools the coffee without diluting it. It is really neat. Only thing that sucks is that it is small. You can only get about 12 oz of coffee. I like at least 16 oz.

I am listening to my country music. Cam posted a little vid that she performed in Mexico. She sang Diane in Spanish and OMG it was better than it was in English! It was just one part of the song and then she sang the rest in English. I was bummed. I had to listen to her song again and just let the playlist play.

Weather is supposed to be less humid today. We’ll see. Today is going to be the only day the weather is less humid. Monday is going to be yucko again. I’ll have to carry my sweat rag with me. I can’t help it. I just sweat a lot in hot weather because of my nerve condition.

I am going to try and sleep. I will write more if I can’t. Thanks for reading guys. It means a lot.

Saturday Blog 7 July 18

Saturday Blog 7 July 18

This is just going to be free thoughts. Nothing really happened today other than I’ve had a migraine all day. It went away and then came back. My vision was blurred so I took meds before the pain hit then went to sleep.

I’ve been in a funk. I never made coffee today. I tried eating but with my bowels being backed up, it feels like it just sits in my stomach and I feel uncomfortable. I went early this morning after MiraLAX but didn’t go a lot. I still feel uncomfortable. It is hot in the house despite it being cool outside. I’ve been running the AC on energy saver so it shuts off every now and then. It is keeping the room cool.

I updated my apps, one of which was WordPress. They did a few changes. Notifications are now on the bottom rather than the top. And they have a new thing called activity. Not sure what the purpose of that is. Seems dumb. My stats are still all over the place. I am happy to get at least 22 or more a day. The other day I got more than 70 so I was happy. Some days are like that. You never know which blog is going to be read the most of if someone is just going to go through your blogs, stacking up the views for the day. It is fun to watch but can get addictive.

My mother washed the bathroom mat and it fell apart in the washer. It was a mess to clean up. I hope it didn’t wreck the filter or water hose with the debris. She had to use the vacuum to get the stuff out. I told her she should run a clean cycle but she didn’t listen to me. She never does.

I was going to cancel my psych’s appt but then I realized I need a refill on my mood stabilizer and it will be a bitch to get it if I cancel. UGH. I am just mad at her because I keep emailing her and she isn’t responding to anything I send her. Just tired of wasting my time. I don’t know why I bother to let her know what is going on if she can’t have the courtesy to respond even one word back, just to let me know a) she got my message and b) she cares. For all I know, it got sent to cyberspace and is still floating around there.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. They creamed KC. It was 8-0 by the 2nd inning. Everyone had a hit last night or two. Hope they can do the same tonight. Over Price is pitching tonight so who knows how the game is going to go. I can’t stand the guy. Wish he never came to Boston.

My mood has been all over the place. I was in pain with my ankle and head most of the day. I have no breakthrough meds anymore. I just been trying to sleep. I hope to get the meds sorted out on Monday. I just want to give up. I don’t know why I just don’t go through with it already. I could do it this week, if I wanted to. One of my “friends” on Twitter was saying that I don’t want to do it. Fuck you. That is like telling an alcoholic that is recovering who wants a drink that they shouldn’t even though they feel like they need one. People just don’t get suicidality at all, even if they are attempt survivors. Makes me kind of mad because where is the compassion?

I don’t want to talk about this right now but there will be a few explorations this week. I am not sure yet if this is the week or not. Guess we’ll just have to take it day by day and see how it goes.

it is hot and I am hangry

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.

what a fucking day

What a fucking day

I had painsomnia again last night. Pain was all over the place on my foot and ankle. And so many different types of pain. I was hesitant to take my breakthrough med because I am running low on them until I see my pain doc in two weeks. If the ass had prescribed me more than one per day, I would be okay but I sometimes need a second one during the second half of the day as well. Kind of dumb to prescribe a breakthrough med when you take two extended release pills a day. Wouldn’t it make sense to prescribe 2 a day as well?? So I got to be picky about my pain levels. I know during a flare, any med is useless. It is just a matter of waiting it out. I didn’t fall asleep till around 4 am.

I woke up around 1330. I go downstairs for something to eat. I made a fried egg. I used up what was left of my oatmeal bread. I cleaned up and dropped my fork. I squatted to pick it up and my ankle felt like it was going to fucking snap. Shit that wasn’t good. Now it hurt bad. Then when I went upstairs and as I walked through a door way to the stairs, banged my elbow pretty hard. I got a nice bruise that goes up my arm. That is going to look pretty tomorrow.

I go upstairs and check the usual social media sites. My friend posted that he got a Starbucks drink. It was now 1530 in the afternoon. I usually don’t have coffee after 1500 but I slept late and said fuck it. I got off the bed and as I was walking out, I turned to see if I had put a powerade on my nightstand and nearly lost my balance. WTF. My balance is getting worse and it always seems to happen when I am pivoting or turning my foot or body. I just don’t have a sense anymore or something. It is upsetting me and I don’t know what to do about it. Any one of my meds could be responsible, including the big dose of Neurontin I took last night to try and shut up my pain.

I made my coffee. I made it too sweet. The creamer that has sugar in it I am not liking anymore. I think I am going to go back to just half and half and then put my own sugar in the cup. I put it in a regular coffee cup. I had to drink it kind of fast as it was cooling off. I hate that cups don’t hold warmth. If I had used my stainless steel mug, it would have stayed warm. I just didn’t want 20 oz of coffee. I knew I wouldn’t drink it all.

I told my mother after the balance thing that I was going to stay in my room. I got up there and wanted to put another cold pack on my bruise. I figured I would take a few out so I can use them whenever. I had bought a case of them (I have no idea why, impulse buy while I was in the hospital last year). One of the bags that I tossed on my bed was broken and so pellets were now on my bed. Fucking great day this has been. I got the Dirt Devil out and vacuumed the stuff off my bed and then did some around my bed. I haven’t vacuumed my room in quite some time. My back was not happy with it. The thing was making some kind of rattling noise so I emptied the collection container. The filter was full of dust. I did what I could to take the dust off but it definitely needs to be replaced. I got them off Amazon and will get them tomorrow when I get paid. I wanted to get some Arm & Hammer pods for the washer but you had to have so much money from Amazon buyers and I didn’t. great. I took them off my cart. I think I will try another seller as my mother has one bottle of detergent left and we kind of need the high efficiency kind for the washer, which was what I was trying to buy.

I watched some of the game and listened to it. Sale was awesome and finally got some run support. We won 5-0. I am glad the game was over before the rain hit. It is raining now. Supposed to have thunderstorms tonight but not sure if it will be in my area. Everything is quiet now so who knows.