Category Archives: baseball

8 Aug 2018

8 Aug 2018

I had a good session with my therapist. I told him about the saga with my primary care office. I had to nurses, both beginning names with B that I called bubbleheads because that is what they are. After we talked about those idiots, I told him about how my suicidality was up and down and all around. He said that it seemed like I got some powerful emotions going on that overwhelm me and then my thoughts say fuck it, end my life. He was right about that. I am very overwhelmed with things right now, not only in trying to get my pain somewhat managed and taking care of my mother. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the lunatic wasn’t over the house every damn day as she is just stressing me out to the point where I don’t even want to be home to hear her. My mother isn’t that bad. She can manage breakfast, the lunatic usually does lunch, and then my middle sister does dinner if I am not home. Next week is going to be hard because I told him, I have a shit ton of free time as he and my psychiatrist is away. He then said I am free to text him until Saturday night as he leaves Sunday and won’t be available. That kind of helped me as his texts kind of reassure me that someone is validating what I am feeling.

I asked if it was stupid to get a planner and just “schedule” some things. He said no and encouraged me to do it. So after the appointment, I went to Walgreens as they have school planners available. I would have gone to Slate, but it was raining. I should have gone to Slate as I bought the wrong fucking planner. It is a 2019 planner, not a 2018-2019 one. Fucking idiot I am. I got my old planner out and ordered undated calendar refills. They didn’t have weekly ones so I am not sure what I am getting. At least that will hold me for a while. It was 5 bucks so not a huge deal. I can use the other planner when the year starts, if I am still around.

I don’t think I had the air cast on right. I swear every time I use it, I have it a different way than the way I had it before. By the time I left my therapist’s office and was waiting for the bus home, my right Achilles was hurting me. I wanted to take it off but I knew it would be a good idea as I am so fricken tired. I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I just crashed around 8 pm. I don’t think I am going to watch the game tonight. I missed the home run derby last night in the 10th inning. All I know is one minute the game is tied, the next it is 10-5 Sox. Game over. LOL. We got our 80th win. Sweet. I am so happy for our team. I love my boys. I have included some of my favorite players in this blog. Hope I don’t get in trouble for using it lol

L to R, Andrew (Benny) Benintendi, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

Last night pain was pretty bad. I was up till around 3. It was quiet in my room so turned on the white noise machine and as usual, I was out within 20 minutes. I should know by now to turn it off when I am up in the morning but left it on. I decided to order breakfast, pancakes and Florentine eggs benedict. It was some place I never ordered before. It was way too much food. I was stuffed and I didn’t even eat the pancakes. I figured I would have them for lunch.

I went back to my room after eating and the sound of the machine made me so very sleep on top of all the food I ate. I slept most of the afternoon. I had the pancakes but wasn’t that hungry to finish them off as they were huge. I came back to my room and was sedated again. My mother called me around 4 saying dinner was ready but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want soup. I laid down for a little while and then sat up. I was so sleepy. I turned off the machine and my brain started functioning again.

My brother in law called asking me to lend my laptop to my niece so she could do her homework. When I came back to my room, I tried to put the screen in my window. Couldn’t figure out which groove it went in. I went downstairs to see where it went. Found the groove, went back upstairs, moved some more stuff in front of the window so I could get a better angle to put it in, and still no luck. My back was aching me from being in the bent position so I gave up. I asked my brother in law to put it in for me, he has longer arms than I do. I left the window a little open to get some air. I didn’t want to put on the ceiling fan as it gets too cold. I hope the screen frame isn’t too big for the window, though I seriously doubt it as the only thing that needed fixing was the clips that held the frame together. There is probably some trick I am missing. I was really hoping just sliding it in would work but it seems too big. I hope I don’t have to bring it back.

I made a deep dish pizza for supper. The oven takes forever to preheat so by the time it was read it was before the first pitch of the game. Sox are now losing by 2 runs. Hope we don’t give them 1st place. I will be really upset.

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

When I woke up at six this morning it was still dark and raining. I used the bathroom and then checked the weather report. It said it was going to be raining for most of the day. I thought it was just supposed to be yesterday and that was it. Guess I wasn’t getting all my errands done. I planned on just going to the bank for my mother and then pick up my meds at Walgreens. I took my morning meds and set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day.

I woke up just before the alarm went off. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. It was a bit brighter in my room but that could be deceiving. I got up and decided to shower. Then I would eat something. It was sunny out and warm. I would be able to do all my errands. I showered and my foot didn’t act up. I was hot though. I heated up a burrito that I had made. It was really filling. After I ate, I went up to my room to get dressed. I wore jean shorts. I have no idea what happened to my belts. They are only on two pairs of pants/jeans. I have 3 or 4 belts so that means 1 or 2 are missing. I just wore the shorts without the belt. My phone would have to go in the cargo pocket.

I got my packages and my mother’s bank book (yes, bank book, she doesn’t do anything electronically) and left. I had also grabbed the screen that needed to be fixed. I went to the post office first. I forgot the customs form that I had already filled out in my bag. I filled out another one. Then I got a box for the thing I was mailing. I also mailed the card for my friend in Canada. It needed postage as I didn’t have enough on it. I have no idea what the postage is but the lady put like three stamps on it, in addition to the two I had put. I paid then waited for the bus to go to the screen place down the street. It was too long for me to walk.

I didn’t have to wait too long. I got to the screen place and the lady said she wasn’t sure she could fix it and it might have to be replaced. I asked how much it would be and she said between $60-70. I was expecting that much. They said they would call me. I missed the 1330 bus. The next bus was to the Square and I debated going to have espresso. I decided to get it so stayed on the bus. When I got half way there, I ordered my drink and some Danish. I don’t know why I ordered it as I wasn’t hungry. I will have it for tomorrow as I didn’t eat it.

I went to the bank and then to Walgreens. I bought some facial stuff as I have a breakout of blackheads on my nose. I had an astringent but it smelled really bad. I tossed it as I figured it was expired. I wanted to get a facial bar and scrub sponge. It took me forever to find the sponge as I didn’t remember who made it. I finally found it as I almost gave up. I should have bought a soap holder but forgot. The bar that I bought breaks down quickly when wet. Hopefully I won’t have to use it for too long. I hope to get my haircut tomorrow. It’s the only thing left to do this week, oh and get my T-Pass.

My Amazon package had arrived when I came home. I had ordered my sister the cappuccino that I like as I used her last few packs. I also bought my brother in law the tea that he likes. I forgot I bought my mother the tennis ball gliders for the walker so it wouldn’t make so much noise. Putting them on was a bitch. They worked though.

I kind of caught the last of the game last night. Seems the Sox and the Bruins (hockey) were behind and came back to win. Hoping for another win tonight. Sale is pitching. He didn’t do well last time out, but then he was up against an A’s pitcher that no hit.

got nothing done today

Got nothing done today

I had wanted to go to the post office and then to the screen place to have my window screen fixed but neither happened because I woke up late. My mother woke me up around 0830, after I fell asleep at 5. I should have stayed up. I thought about it but I was so fricken tired I just went back to sleep. My mother called me around 2 asking where I was. Like seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

I didn’t want to do a damn thing when she woke me up. I had to brush my teeth as I never did it yesterday. I needed to make the last steakhouse burger I had before it went bad. I cleared the messages on my phone, took my pain meds, and then went to the bathroom to brush. It was after 3 so I told my mother I was making a burger for dinner. After the burger I made some tea. My friend who I talked to last night called me as I was drinking it to see how I was doing. We talked for a bit as he was making his way home from work. He was stuck in traffic.

I really hate that I slept so damn late. I should have set my alarm or something. Tomorrow is going to rain so I don’t think I can do anything. The weather is okay Wednesday so maybe I will do that. I am listening to the game. Sox are losing 3-1 right now. I hope they make a comeback.

I paid some bills while I was up. I didn’t order my groceries because I didn’t have enough to cover. I plan on placing the order tomorrow. My mother used my carrots in the stir fry she made last night so I need more. She also told me that she cut up the celery I bought and froze it. I don’t mind because it is cheaper to get a thing of celery than to buy it all cut up.

Free baseball as my boys tied up the game in the 9th inning. YAY, not over yet. Will update when the game is over.

update 2203, Sox lose 4-3 😦

baseball torture

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I don’t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I don’t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didn’t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I don’t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didn’t like the morning’s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I don’t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I don’t have to leave the house and yet bad because I don’t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldn’t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didn’t do it. It’s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.