waking up to a painful arm

Waking up to a painful arm

I did a lot yesterday. I made marinara sauce for the first time in a long time. It came out awesome. Even my mother liked it. Today I will have the left over meatballs for lunch. I wanted them for a long time. I didn’t use my arm that much but it still hurts me today despite it. I did my exercises while having coffee and something to eat.

I don’t plan on doing anything today. I got brain fog and am so tired. Therapist is off the next two days so I don’t see her until Wed. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow as well as have PT in the afternoon. I just hope my groceries get delivered before my therapy appointment.

I got the Sox news today and it isn’t good. Former SS Julio Lugo passed away at the age of 45 due to a heart attack and my favorite pitcher Eduardo Rodriguez is signing with the Tigers for a five year deal. I am devastated. I guess I am glad I didn’t buy Eddie’s shirt this weekend. I am truly heartbroken.

Sunday Blog 05092021

Sunday blog 05092021

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had to pee and I was hungry. There were no delivery places with delivery people so I couldn’t order McDs on UberEats. I had a bowl of cereal instead. My mother was in the bathroom when I went to the kitchen. She said she knew I was going to come down. I usually do at 2 in the morning. I slept till my med alarm went off. I shut it and then went back to sleep to dream about writing a paper and having it perfect for the professor. In the mean time I was painting with a machine in people’s houses for $20. So fucking weird.

Everyone missed me at the wedding. I missed them too. I wish I had the confidence to cath in public but with me still having a chest and facial hair, I feel awkward using either a male or female bathroom. I just don’t feel like I fit. And I have to be in a stall so I can take my pants down to cath. It was kind of good I didn’t go because I was in a lot of pain last night. It was hard to get comfortable. I tried laying down and being on the computer but that meant I either had to type with one hand or not at all.

I had my coffee when I got up around 1. I had some mandarin oranges and the combination has upset my stomach. After I had my coffee, I took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My mother wanted sweet n low but they no longer sell it. I bought her a case of it but it is not the packets, just a box of the sugar. I told her to get a bowl. I don’t understand why she can’t do that. It is better for the environment. I came home exhausted. I checked the score of the game and the Sox are down by 3 runs. It is a bullpen game as the starting pitcher was placed on the Covid IL list today. I am not sure if he tested positive or if he was ill. That makes nine players on the Covid IL. I am not too worried about the game as there is plenty of baseball left to play and they have comeback from behind before. Long as the bullpen doesn’t totally collapse we should be ok.

Only appointment I need to go out for this week is for dermatology. I got some moles that need looking at. I haven’t decided if I am going to go by T or not. I would have to take the shuttle to the building because it is kind of a walk from the station. In my younger days I could handle it but not these days. I just can’t walk that far anymore. Sucks.

I need to take some Miralax soon. It has been a few days since I last pooped. I hate getting backed up because it causes me to strain and it hurts right now with me recovering from surgery. I won’t be in the clear for another 4-6 weeks. It is another thing I need to keep track of. I am so tired of keeping track of my bodily functions. There is no rest from it. I get no break. And it is all because of nerve damage due to a tethered cord and compressed nerves from discs. Makes me depressed when I think about it. I will talk about it with my therapist when I see her Tues. Hard part is she doesn’t understand most of what I go through. My former therapist at least had some empathy for me for it. I don’t get validated from her like I did the other therapist on this stuff.

Saturday Blog 28082021

Saturday Blog 28082021

Last night I bought some soup that was Panera and it had ginger in it. I reacted so I took some Benadryl. I was out by 8pm. I have been listening to the Sox all afternoon. Game is in the 10th inning now as they have been knotted at 2 since the second or third inning. They have had chance but no good hits until now!! JD hits a 3 run homerun 5-2 lead. OMG fucking awesome. Sox win 5-3 in the 10th. OMG the bottom of the tenth had me going…

I still have this stupid infection and I can’t help but think I have accidently infected my bladder because of the gook that is on my skin from the discharge. I am going to have start using the cleansing wipes to really clean myself before inserting the catheter. The problem is the urge to pee doesn’t always allow me time to do this so I have been voiding more, which is good I guess. I have been peeing frequently and I can’t do anything until Monday. These weekend infections so suck. I stuck taking pyridium to try and control the urges to pee. It is still painful to void as I am straining.

I didn’t do anything today. I was told to limit my activity because of the abdomen pain which I still have. If it gets worse I am to go to the ED. It has been the same for most of the day so I have just sat and listened to the game. I finished one of the antibiotics yesterday. I am still taking the gross one. I still have to take it till Thursday I think.

My brother in law’s sister passed away yesterday. It has been a rough time. I also found out a dear friend passed away yesterday as well. I am not sure when he died but news of it made me sad all day and then when I got my sister in law’s news, I was more distraught. There won’t be services for her. She will just be cremated.

It was finally cool today, windy as hell but cool. I finally turned my AC off for the first time all week. I wish the temps could stay like this. Yesterday was brutal. I got my haircut and did some shopping at the grocery store. I didn’t get anything heavy. I am still under restrictions for the next 7 weeks.

Sunday Blog 22082021

Sunday Blog 22082021

Post op day 4 hysterectomy

I got some good sleep finally. I feel really good. I am not in as much pain as I was in yesterday. I made sure to empty my bladder throughout the night and that helped. I am cathing every four hours to make sure I am empty completely. It hurts to void so that is why I am cathing. My genital area is sore but that is to be expected and the vaginal entrance is a little swollen. I noticed some clear discharge that is not mentioned at all with the post op stuff so I hope it is nothing to be worried about. I sent my surgeon a message anyway to ask if it is a concern or not.

Only thing I am planning on doing today is reading my MLB book. I started reading it last night as I couldn’t sleep. I read for about an hour and it helped to relax. I wanted to finish the chapter but it was too long. It was covering the two decades of 1900 and 1910. A lot of interesting baseball stuff happened during those years. I am having my doubts about being able to write a book about the history of team names. There is a lot of cross over between the leagues and some cities stays and it just gets confusing because things changed year to year, season to season.

I also plan on watching DS9. I can only watch so much TV before I get bored so if I watch two episodes, I will call that a win. Because of Tropical Storm Henri, baseball has been canceled for today in the New England area. We already had a tremendous thunderstorm and heavy rain. It is supposed to continue until tomorrow. I just hope nothing floods.

I am trying to fight off a nap right now. I am so tired from just having a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I know I am tired from post op. That is a given. It just comes on so suddenly that it is overwhelming sometimes. I am not having a lot of pain today. I made sure I took my pain meds during the night as I had my med alarm set to go off. I still only slept every three hours or so because I had to empty my bladder. My bladder seems to have its own schedule. I am glad I cath. It makes me feel like a man because I am standing while peeing.

I have been in the mood to write something profound but words are escaping me. I want to write a letter to my therapist about my trauma, just talking about one aspect of it and see where it leads me. I have so much emotion pent up in me right now that I think writing about it might help. I might post it on my blog if it isn’t too graphic in detail. I think writing about my cousin’s molestations might be helpful for me. I have been having intrusive memories about it the past few days. The one thing about anesthesia that I had is it brings things to the surface that you are trying to keep undercover. But with trauma there is always something under the surface. Anything that has to do with my genitals is a trigger for my sexual abuse to be in the forefront of my mind, even if I am not conscious of it.