Yesterday, I helped two strangers. On the way home from the hospital where I had my appointments, I noticed I lost my ring. I had no idea where it could have been. Last time I felt it was when I was washing my hands and a part of me wondered if I accidently threw it away with the paper towels I was using as I was adjusting it on my finger. That was the last time I remember seeing it. I should have put it on my other hand where it wasn’t so loose but I didn’t so I thought I lost it. Today I called up police and security of the hospital to check to see if someone turned it in. Someone had. I took the next bus to the station and went to the hosp. While there, I decided to go to the lab and see my friends. It was good to see them. I miss working there. I even had a dream that I had to FedEx a sample to get results by 5 the next day. Weird. I think the lab will always be a part of me, even if they get my name and gender wrong. Some of my friends who follow me on social media know I am transitioning. I wasn’t out to all of the people in the lab so I just had to take it.
I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I had written her a letter which she said I started off strong and then went off on a tangent. I don’t remember what I wrote so it is possible. I am finding transference with her gets easier as time goes on. She kept my letter and the papers I printed out which were the SSF part A. I told her we can use them and they can be our talking point. It will help focus things. Least that is what I hope will happen. Just hope she doesn’t sort of hold me to it every meeting. My psychopharm is. She pulls out the sheets every meeting. She asks about my suicidality. She has been asking since I told her to. My therapist has too. She wanted to know more details about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her it would be a few months before I was ready to act on my thoughts, though I didn’t say it in those words. I am still not sure I will tell her I was going to kill myself.
I told my psychopharm that if I don’t feel better by Monday, I will consider going inpatient for a while. I really hope I don’t end up back south east of Boston again. That place was terrible. I would really hate having to use catheters there. I would rather have a foley put in so I won’t have to worry about it. I get my order of supplies tomorrow. I plan on packing a bag in addition to trying to clear the alcove space that needs to happen. I hope this bag that I have been trying to find is there and not in the other alcove.
Presidents’ Day Blog 2020
It has been another painful day except this time it is my leg that hurts. I haven’t been able to do much today. Both legs hurt but the left is worse. I hope I don’t have a DVT. I always worry about that when I have been laying about and not being active too much. Hard to be active when you are in pain. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on calling my pcp’s office if it still hurts. I got to call the office anyways as there seems to be a scheduling error. I don’t have an appointment with my psychopharm until March. I thought I had one on the books for the last week of Feb but there isn’t one. I need a refill on my meds for the end of the month so I would like to see her but if I can’t, I will just tell her I need a refill. I got to call my surgeon’s office as they have the wrong medical record number on my paperwork. I think the number is my mother’s.
The last call I need to make is to make an appointment with the public transportation Ride service. It is a pickup service that I may need after surgery because I will be too weak to take public transportation. Once I have it, I will be able to see that pain clinic my pcp wants me to go to. But that won’t be until after my surgery. I don’t want to be changing up meds before then. I just hope that my pain will be taken cared of while I am in the hospital.
I was hoping to go to Starbucks tomorrow but I am out of funds. I’ll have to make my coffee tomorrow. Past few days I have been drinking tea. I still have the iced coffee in the fridge. It is past its expiration date so I hope it still takes good even though it hasn’t been opened. I will see tomorrow.
I got my grocery bill down to $174 even. Hope I can keep that total for a week. I don’t get paid until next Monday. I got a lot of cereal and frozen dinners so I have food while recovering from surgery. I wanted something quick that I didn’t have to stand and cook. I don’t think I will be able to do much the first few weeks after surgery. I have no idea what I am going to do about therapy. I don’t think going six weeks without is a good idea.
The voices are somewhat better. The increase in dose of the Invega has helped stabilize the psychosis. I chatted with a suicide hotline last night because the pain was so bad, I was losing my mind. We were talking and I felt like I gave too much information about being suicidal. They asked me what my plan was and I said that wasn’t relevant as I am not going to act on my thoughts tonight. I can hardly walk or stand so there was no way for me to attempt. They wanted me to let my therapist know I talked to them. I cringed at this. So after the conversation ended, I texted my therapist to tell her. I also asked for an appt for tomorrow and she responded with some times. I think it will be good to talk to her as things have been building up. The stress of surgery is causing so much havoc. The flares have been, too. I just feel so hopeless and helpless when the flares are so bad I can’t stand. It causes me to think of ending things and once I start, I can’t help but plan things. It is my escape and I don’t think that is ever going to change.
I have a need for solitude
This line is in another great Mary Chapin Carpenter song called it. I have been listening to a lot of MCC the past few days and it is because I need some music to calm me down and put me in a good mood. She does this as her voice is so soothing to me.
I’ve had a rough day. Voices won tonight, though I made believe they did. I always have a short supply of nortriptyline by my bed and I pretended I “took the bottle.” They think I overdosed but I didn’t. It was the only thing I could think of to shut them up. I am debating texting my therapist this but I am afraid if I do. I am going to increase my dose of Invega to 6mg daily and see how that goes. I hope I don’t get side effects.
My therapist and I talked today about being depressed and suicidal. I told her that there have been times I haven’t been depressed yet been really suicidal and then she pointed out all the times she has known me, I have been depressed and therefore suicidal. I wonder if she thought because I was in a current depressive episode that being suicidal went along with it? Going to ask her next time I see her. She really irks me. She gave me the option, after I told her I was suicidal and hearing voices, to take a month of therapy off. I don’t get it. Sure she was telling me that nothing was forcing me to stay in therapy. She has that way about her. She was being serious when she said this. And it is true. I am not being forced into therapy. It is all voluntary. I don’t know why it bothers me so much though when she says it.
I have been really thirsty since coming home. I don’t know why other than I really haven’t been drinking much the past few days. I have been bad. Then I drink a ton and go to sleep only to wake up at 3 in the morning having to go pee. It sucks. I am falling asleep as I am typing this so I am going to stop here for the night. I will try and write more tomorrow.
Sunday Palindrome International Day 02022020
I am a number nerd. I don’t know how I became one, probably because when I was little I wanted to be a mathematician like the show I was watching that right now I cannot remember. It was a spin off of some detective cop show called Dragnet. The math show was called Mathnet and it was really interesting. I think it played for three seasons and then it was cancelled. I felt bad because I really loved this show. So today’s date, 02022020, is an International Palindrome because both US and Europe write today’s date the same way for the first time in forever.
I haven’t been able to find out if that little rodent called ground hog saw his shadow or not today. They always bring about the movie Ground Hog Day. It is a movie that I have not seen, mostly because I am not a Bill Murray fan. I did sort of like him in Ghostbusters. I tolerated his presence.
Today I was going to try and make room to have access to the alcove in my room. Only problem is that my foot and ankle bones are being crushed and hurt really bad. Some pressure fluctuations are going on and my foot isn’t liking it one bit. Pressure is 29.34 right now. I am going to keep track of it because this bone pain is horrific. I just want to die right now and I am wondering why I cannot act on my thoughts. It’s always a slippery slope. I feel like I should be in the hospital but with the catharizing and upcoming neurosurg appointment, I really can’t be in right now. I was feeling hopeful earlier as I sent off an email to my psychiatrist to see if she is still going to write a letter saying I can have top surgery. I really would like to have these suckers off in the fall of this year.
I was having a weird something going on last night. In this something I was imagining telling my therapist how I feel about her. It came out in a sarcastic tone and then it got serious and we spent time talking about whether or not to continue. I have developed feelings for female therapists for nearly every one of the 14 I have had. Only two were male in this psychotherapy stuff, not counting group therapy. My therapist is around my age (so she says). She is cute and funny and sarcastic as all hell. She also has a caring side but doesn’t show it that often, which annoys me. She doesn’t want me to depend on her and I get that but I really need to know that she cares or this is just not going to work. I understand she wants to work with “this population of people” but that isn’t the same as knowing you give a shit about me. I can’t work with someone who doesn’t care because I feel it is worthless trying to. I’ve had my doubts about her since the first day I met her. I just don’t know if she is the right one or not. Yes, it has been seven months we have been working together. There are qualities about her that I really like but if I don’t feel cared for, then I don’t think it is worth it. I’ve never had a therapist this straightforward before. She doesn’t tolerate my “I don’t knows”. Instead of saying, “yea you do” she will say think about it then answer whatever it is that she asked for. I am very quick to run away from my feelings and she knows this. Trying to stay with my feelings are so damn difficult. I want to feel blank most of the time because it better than feeling turmoil. She challenges me and I challenge her with my quick runaway from feelings. She always brings it back to me when I run away from something. Lately she has been catching on so will stop the maneuvering away and that is the roadblock. I will shut down and it is so hard to go back to that place I was just a few seconds ago. I will also do this while blogging. Feelings will come up and I will take a break by going on the internet for a long while then come back to the word doc and be like where the hell was I. It is then hard to get back into writing the blog because I lost the feeling for too long. I have been trying not to do this, to stay with it and keep focus like my therapist is slowly teaching me. But it is so hard because I always want to run away. I don’t want to feel.
I need a nap but I am not sure my pain will let me. It’s 3pm right now. If I get at least a half hour’s rest, I should be good. I really need to lay down as my back has been hurting as well. Not horribly so but just annoying. Also worries me because I think I am going to have back surgery. I think the pain meds have been blocking my back pain so I don’t know how bad things really are aside from the bladder issues. I am so damn nervous. I might be blogging about this all week so if you are a daily reader, now you know what is going to be written about every day this week or whenever I post my blog.