Tag Archives: therapist

Useless appointment and other things

Useless appointment and other things

I had little sleep last night. In my painsomnia brain, I had decided to have an 0815 alarm. Why, I don’t remember. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I am glad I didn’t touch my med alarm or I would have been screwed. I forced myself in the shower. It was cold this morning so I had to wait for the water to get hot. I had shaved around 4 am when I couldn’t sleep and decided to give myself the shot then rather than wait. One less thing to do in the morning.

I was getting sleepy waiting around so left my house around 0930 or so, an hour before I was to leave. I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare and I forced myself not to go into the bookstore next to the Starbucks. I wrote in my journal for a bit. I was anxious and it had nothing to do with the 6 shots of espresso I was drinking. I finally left around 1230 to find the building and office. It was at the end of a long hallway. I sat in the waiting room and 15 minutes before the appointment, the guy introduces himself and said he would be back. I said okay. He came back and opened an office and called me in. We talked about my different issues and he basically said there was nothing he could do for me as he wasn’t the type of therapist to give coping skills. He just did “talk therapy” and that was it, same as the one I was seeing. Fucking A. He said that I had “somatic pain” and he didn’t deal with that. WTF. I wanted to scream at him but there was no point. I said thank you for your time and left. I was bullshit. He could have told me last week that he didn’t deal with my issues. Why did he have to see me in person to tell me this??? Why do therapist do this?? I am so fucking angry. Now I got to go back to the nail picking therapist I am seeing. Fucking fuck. Total waste of time when I could have been sleeping!!!

I came home and I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to be in my PJs, under my blankets, and fiddle with social media. My Transition photo op didn’t get that many likes. I didn’t have much to say as it was like 5 AM and my brain was dead. It was a miracle I could string two words together, much less a few sentences. I realized I didn’t take a selfie for day 7. I got to be better about it. But there really hasn’t been any changes so no big deal.

I emailed my psychiatrist about being in a therapist jinx. Either that or I am on some black list. I had sent her and my neuro an email at I have no idea what time in the morning as I experience dystonia yet again last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and thankfully, my compression sock came to the rescue. It calmed it down enough so I could sleep for a few hours before my alarms went off.

Sox game is tonight. My left thigh is sore from the shot. I thought I did a lot of walking to ward it off but maybe not enough. My mother wanted me to go to the Square to get the money owed to me from the cheese I bought. I wasn’t going to the square. I won’t be going tomorrow either. I will be going Friday so I hope the sale price doesn’t change by then. It shouldn’t matter but you never know how picky managers are. I still have the receipt in my wallet. Hope I remember to go to the butcher shop before meeting up with my friends.

I don’t know if I will make it through 9 innings of baseball on like 4 hours sleep. I tried to take a nap but then I got really cold, like almost to the point of chills. I put on my long sleeved shirt. I will be putting on my Sox jersey an hour before game time. Game is on late, 2030, tonight because the MLB sucks. They have the west coast national game at like 2 pm. Who is going to watch the game at that time?? Idiots. I just don’t understand what their thinking is when they schedule games. I also don’t understand why they all can’t be prime time. Oh wait, that would make sense. Duh! I will listen to what I can and then whatever I don’t, I will catch up tomorrow. I am not going to force myself to stay up because then I get over tired and that does me no good at all. Then I sleep whenever, which usually repeats the cycle of no sleep. Sucks. I learned my lesson. Sleep when I am tired. I should try and sleep now but it is too early and then I will be up all night. Catch 22 I know. I am not really that tired. Just mentally exhausted from this asshole I saw. I am glad he didn’t work out because after three sessions I am sure I would be telling him fuck you and walk out. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to talk to. It really shouldn’t. Maybe I am too smart but there has got to be someone on the same level as I am out there. I don’t care if who I see is a he or she. There has to be someone, somewhere. I think I am going to ask the bozo therapist at the pain clinic for a referral. Maybe she knows someone. Long shot but at this point I’ll try anything. I might look up DBT therapists in my area. That is how desperate I am becoming and I hate DBT!

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

World Mental Health Day

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?

Catch up and a little today stuff, too haha

Catch up and a little today stuff too haha

So yesterday I didn’t write a blog because after my two appointments in Boston, I was tired so took a nap that lasted longer than I wanted it. Then it was game time and after I took my night meds, I was struggling to stay up till the 9th inning. I thought about posting a blog on my phone but I hate doing that because autocorrect sometimes either guesses a word wrong or substitutes words that are spelled right but think it is wrong. Then I feel bad when I read it because it makes no fucking sense. If you ever read a blog that has errors, know that I probably wrote it on my phone and please tell me so I can fix it.

I got pain after the game. Just getting into a comfy position upset my ankle. We won game 1, 5-4. I was freaking out because we were leading 5-0 and the snakes were clawing their way back. I watched one inning on TV and hated the announcers. I figured the Sox half they would talk about the Sox, nope. All Snakes. Fucking hate network analysts. So damn biased. I posted a pic saying I was worried after the score was 5-3 and people were freaking out. Um, hello, did you NOT see my post about baseball posts ahead, you’ve been warned?? God I hate when people do that, because when I respond baseball, they get all pissed off. Ya, well you pissed me off too by not paying attention. I mean, I was wearing my Sox shirt and hat and watching/listening to the game. Geez!

Yesterday’s appointment with the pain doc was useful and useless. Apparently, I am “using my meds appropriately” yet there will be no changes to how I use it or whatnot. But if I need adjustments, come back and they will make it. I have been seeing him for the past 3 fucking months for an adjustment and did not fucking get it so what the fuck!!!??? I asked him if my PCP can take over. He said ya, I thought that was the agreement and then he went on and on how we don’t do this because the practice is small and there isn’t enough rooms available for a large thing yada yada. What the fuck do you accept new patients for then??? So instead of HIM contacting my PCP, I will be asking when I see him this coming Friday.

I am 100% convinced this guy has no clue about CRPS or chronic pain because the stories he tells me I am just like he has no clue. He was telling me that he sees degenerative pain patients and they really can’t help but to try and control their pain. It “wasn’t my case” as even he has back pain while doing dishes after 5-10 minutes (the guy is more than 60 I say). No shit. I am no where close to his age and yet my back hurts after the same amount of time doing dishes. I have degenerative disc disease as well as cauda equina syndrome and four fucking back surgeries. If he read my record, he might know this. Asshole. I really hope I don’t have to see him again or find another doctor that is more compassionate.
After his appointment, I saw my psychiatrist. Told her what went on and she said that I was probably right as most doctors have no clue about chronic pain unless they experience it themselves or at least can empathize with their patients. We talked about the T shot and how my left thigh is still giving me grief. I didn’t put a lido patch on last night but I was close to doing it. She then asked if I had any mood changes. I said not yet but you will be the first to know. I told her how I need a new therapist, again. He just isn’t helping me. I asked if I had the wrong perception of a therapist and she didn’t answer. So now I don’t know where to go. The thought I searching for a new one is just too overwhelming for me right now. I want to stay within my radius as I don’t have a car. I thought about calling the LGBT clinic but that will be a pain weekly for me as the pain program is starting. It will take so much energy because it is such a walk to the clinic from the train station. Maybe after the program I can go there or somewhere close to there. But the thought that I have to do this again fills me with doubt that there is a good therapist out there that WILL help me deal with my problems and not just say will work on this and never do. I mean, it is one thing if I defer, as it is my right. Not so much for the therapist. They should want to actually help you with your problems not say yes we will and then drop the fucking ball.

I am reading a book called “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is a very useful book and already I have a few books and articles to look up. Some I already have but she quoted new research and I am not on top as I once was. It also gives me insight into the therapist’s hesitations on suicide a little better. I wish I could say that for my therapist but he is always willing to listen to me but does NOT do an assessment or even safety plan. I mean I know what to do if I am going to act but am at the point where I just want to act rather than seek help because help hasn’t worked out!! It sometimes gets me more frustrated than be helpful to me. And unless I attempt, I am not going back to the hospital, least not the one I went to. Totally useless and very frustrating.

I have had any changes yet. I am on a low dose so it might take a while before I see them. Maybe after my second shot. I don’t know what to look for. I should probably look for blogs or something to help as a sort of guide but fricken WordPress changed their search so it takes a long time to look for blogs on a tag or a general word (don’t recommend that at all, it will take hours!) I know there must be an FTM group or something somewhere but I have yet to find one publicly. I know there is a lot of harassment and even death threats and abuse out there. I’ve been fortunate, so far, not to encounter it. I think it might send me over the edge if some stranger goes off on me for being transgender.

Guess who…

I was able to shave and shower this morning. I had a ton of time before I had to leave. I took my time getting ready. I guess the bus I needed to take to the Square was delayed as the other bus came. I decided to take it rather than wait. I figured in doing so, I would have time to write when I got to Starbucks. I had to stop at the post office and it was busy. Goodbye writing time. The postal clerk didn’t even look where I was sending the cards to, just said I had enough postage and I went on my way. If they come back to me. I am gonna be pissed.

I got to Starbucks and ordered a sandwich, espresso, and lemon loaf. The sandwich had sausage but it didn’t taste right. I ate half and then dived into the lemon loaf. It was very lemony. I loved it. I just hope when I try to make it tomorrow, I can get the right consistency for the frosting.

After I ate and played on my phone. It was time for the train. I put another 5 bucks on my temporary ticket as my pass didn’t come over the weekend. When I got to my stop, the bus wasn’t coming for another 20 minutes or so. I decided to walk. My mother needed something at Walgreens so I went in to get it. There was a line for checkout. I waited and then left to walk to my therapist’s office. I got halfway there and needed to rest. I checked the time and had 10 minutes before my appt. I rested another minute and then went.

I showed my therapist what I wrote for the pain doc. He said it was perfect. I just hope the fellow and attending see the damn paper and read it. Then we talked about my anxieties that is going on for the week. Told him about how upset my mother made me yesterday. How she can’t accept me other than what she holds in her mind of me. Told him how my family has a pedophile they refuse to acknowledge as one. Then time was up.

I walked back to the station. I had less than 5 bucks on the card. When I got back to the Square and got on the bus home, I noticed it didn’t allow no payment for transfers. That was why I had to put so much damn money on this fucking temporary ticket. It was charging me the reduced fare on every bus and train I took. Fucker.

My legs were killing me by the time I got home. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. My mother made dinner and after eating we both didn’t want to get up. We both hurt. I cleared the counter for her then went up to my room. Mail had came and my pass was in it. Weird they had my name change as the address but not on the fucking card! Ugh!!! Card doesn’t expire until 2023. Least now I can buy my monthly pass and not have to pay per fare.

I had some stuff from Amazon come in. A friend had sent me some eczema cream. It is a lower amount of colloidal something that I have so hope it will work on the patch under my eye. I stopped at my sister’s to talk for a while. We griped about our mother being ridiculous. I didn’t tell her that she laughed at me yesterday. I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her I’d be starting T Wed.

Hope I don’t flare tonight. Last night was horrid. I didn’t sleep till 330 am. Seems every time I got comfortable my foot or ankle or both acted up. I am really tired after all the walking I did. It is cold tonight so might have to put on the fleece blanket. I took it off my bed the other night because I was looking for something. I was working in an app on my phone when I accidentally disconnected my SD card. When I went to take it out, it went flying. Damn sucker was in the pillow case on my bed. I thought it was in the void in my room and I’m glad it wasn’t. I’d have to tear my room apart trying to find it. Luckily, I found the SIMM card on my bag for goodwill. Totally freaked me out. But all is right now. Wish the makers of Samsung would use a toggle rather than a pin thing to get the card out. Stupid design.