I hate Mondays

I hate Mondays

I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.

I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.

Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.

She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.

want to sleep to oblivion

Want to sleep to oblivion

I just took a shower after a long day and I am completely knackered. I hope that I can fall asleep at a decent hour tonight and actually sleep through the night. I have been bad about my fluid intake today but I am not going to do anything about it now. It is too late and then I will be up in the morning hours to pee. I don’t want that. I got a bloody headache because my neck muscles are so fricken tense. I can’t get them to relax. It hurts so bad, not as bad as my foot though. The shower I took really annoyed the crap out of my foot and ankle. Way I feel right now is I want to sleep until oblivion. I have stuff to make it happen. I just am not there yet.

I had therapy today and it was a good session though I ended up having to do three goals by Monday. I have to do a DBT skill, write about it and stuff, and drink an Ensure because I am not eating. She was serious about this. I told her I was having only one meal a day. That is when she brought up the Ensure. She said that my depression is the severest she has seen it. She is really concerned about me. There is nothing I can do to make her less concerned. I agreed to the three goals because it was a compromise. She was open to me writing to her as long as it was a few hours before session. She said I could make a google doc and copy and paste it in the website patient thingy. Only problem is that the website thing doesn’t accept pasting from other programs. I tried it with word and it didn’t happen. I would have to make the document while writing in the website.

I am extremely tired. I just took my night meds, all eight of them. I also take eight in the morning. I take a lot of meds. Once my psychiatrist calls in the increased dose for the Latuda, I will be just taking seven pills at night. I am having to take two Latuda pills because I still had half a bottle of the 40 mg dose and I didn’t want to waste them. These pills are expensive. I just hope I can afford them in January when I have to pay for my meds again until I meet my deductible. The psychiatrist is hoping that this medication helps my mood but it hasn’t done shit so far and I seem to be more depressed than not. I really think my celexa needs to be increased. I am only on the lowest dose right now. But the psychiatrist wanted to play with the Latuda first. Thankfully, I am not having any side effects other than changes in my bowels. I have been having softer stool since starting this medication, sometimes to the point of diarrhea. I never have a happy medium with my bowels. It is either hard or extremely soft. There is no in between.

a gallon of milk

A gallon of milk

We were out of milk today so I decided to go out to get it rather than have my nephew get it. I had to put some money on my T pass so I needed to go out anyway. The only sad part is that I couldn’t have Starbucks because they were renovating the store. I had to stop twice on the way and back to the grocery store because my back was cramping up on me. I came home tired but feeling accomplished. My mother was not happy that I bought the milk. She wanted my nephew to do it. I don’t understand why. My therapist when I told her said it was because I have been feeling tired lately and it was too much for me to do. I still felt good because I didn’t nap after the time out and I was tired but not exhausted like I had been in the past.

Therapy was difficult today. I told her of the feelings of suicidality I had last night. I wish I didn’t say anything because now I have a second appointment this week with her. She said I am withdrawing from sessions and she is worried about me. She is going to consult with my psychiatrist about what to do from here on in. She just feels she can’t be the only one helping me right now. I feel bad about this. I just want to run away from her. I might cancel the appointment for Wed. She wants to check in but I don’t want to. I had a hard time talking to her today and just know Wed is going to be just as hard.

I’m having a hard time with my gender identity right now. I want the things on my chest off. But in order for me to even see the surgeon, I have to be a certain BMI and lose like 25 lbs. I am slowly losing weight but it isn’t fast enough for me. I also have no idea if I will be able to keep the weight off but it is driving me crazy that I have this hinderance. If I was to have breast cancer I doubt they would impose this weight restriction for surgery. So stupid. I am so upset and I know part of the reason I am so suicidal right now is because of the things on my chest. It is bothering me so damn much.

I’ve been thinking about writing, in general and as therapy. I did a lot of that with my therapist of 16 years. I don’t do so much with my current therapist. Maybe that is what is missing that needs to happen. I don’t know how to implement it as I don’t see her face to face. I used to write in a notebook and bring it with me for our sessions. But now that we have teletherapy, I obviously can’t share what I write anymore. The few messages I have been able to write to her have not been responded to outside of therapy. I don’t think it will be worthwhile to send messages if they are going to be ignored until session. I feel like I should apologize to my therapist about today but I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t think. I just am feeling guilty about it.

going through the motions

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.