1st cold in a while
I got my first sickness of the year. I was starting to come down with something over the weekend and now it is full course. I am coughing and got a runny nose. I am all congested but no fever. I ran out of Nyquil so I am just taking vitamin D. I feel a little better today even though I am stuffy.
My urologist got back to me today. She is sick but wants me to drop a specimen to the lab tomorrow and have my pcp follow up with it. So I sent him a message about that. I don’t know if it will be tomorrow though as Wed I need to see my therapist.
I still have the assignment the therapist gave me last week that I haven’t done yet. It is hard because I have to think what three need mean to me and how to achieve them. The first one I picked was achievement, to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent. I often dismiss my achievements like they are nothing. For example, the PT I saw was amazed I was able to get to her appointments from the next two towns over by public transportation. To walk to the bus/train stop and then go to and from. She gave me credit for that and I never thought of it that way. I would sometimes I have a pain flare after, but that was something I did without it being a challenge. Writing lately has been a challenge. I would love to write at least five days a week but I know there are days where I am not feeling up to it physically or mentally. It is hard to write when you feel like complete crap or your ankle is screaming on the top of its lungs.
The second thing is play. I would love to have a chance to go to the chess club more but sleep is more important to me. I have to plan the day because I have to take the bus on a Sunday. Then walk to the plaza. Sometimes they go to the coffee shop if the weather is not great and that means I have to have money for coffee. I usually don’t carry cash and I am often broke by the time I get paid. Just trying to have an extra $20 for a haircut has been hard. That also makes me feel good, to have a haircut. I wish I could go more than once a month but budgeting it now with having to budget my meds hasn’t been possible.
The third thing is defendence, to defend against assault, criticism, or blame. I need to stand up for myself more in my house. I let my sisters and mother boss me around all the time. They don’t think that I am disabled and that I do things on purpose, like leaving the toilet seat up. That is a new challenge for me with this whole catheter business. They don’t understand that I am not aware of things that they are. Yes it sucks but give me a little credit or just tell me so that I don’t do it again. Don’t get mad at me for something I don’t know I am doing. I am not doing it on purpose. I get so irritated with my sister about this stuff. She has no respect for other people. My mother has no privacy for my bathroom uses. It is really frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with this because both are so volatile.
So tired of the shore
I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.
I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.
Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.
The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.
I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.
The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.
I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.
I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.
Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.
Great wide open
I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.
Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.
I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.
Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.