Tag Archives: psychotherapist

Useless appointment and other things

Useless appointment and other things

I had little sleep last night. In my painsomnia brain, I had decided to have an 0815 alarm. Why, I don’t remember. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I am glad I didn’t touch my med alarm or I would have been screwed. I forced myself in the shower. It was cold this morning so I had to wait for the water to get hot. I had shaved around 4 am when I couldn’t sleep and decided to give myself the shot then rather than wait. One less thing to do in the morning.

I was getting sleepy waiting around so left my house around 0930 or so, an hour before I was to leave. I made it to the place with plenty of time to spare and I forced myself not to go into the bookstore next to the Starbucks. I wrote in my journal for a bit. I was anxious and it had nothing to do with the 6 shots of espresso I was drinking. I finally left around 1230 to find the building and office. It was at the end of a long hallway. I sat in the waiting room and 15 minutes before the appointment, the guy introduces himself and said he would be back. I said okay. He came back and opened an office and called me in. We talked about my different issues and he basically said there was nothing he could do for me as he wasn’t the type of therapist to give coping skills. He just did “talk therapy” and that was it, same as the one I was seeing. Fucking A. He said that I had “somatic pain” and he didn’t deal with that. WTF. I wanted to scream at him but there was no point. I said thank you for your time and left. I was bullshit. He could have told me last week that he didn’t deal with my issues. Why did he have to see me in person to tell me this??? Why do therapist do this?? I am so fucking angry. Now I got to go back to the nail picking therapist I am seeing. Fucking fuck. Total waste of time when I could have been sleeping!!!

I came home and I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to be in my PJs, under my blankets, and fiddle with social media. My Transition photo op didn’t get that many likes. I didn’t have much to say as it was like 5 AM and my brain was dead. It was a miracle I could string two words together, much less a few sentences. I realized I didn’t take a selfie for day 7. I got to be better about it. But there really hasn’t been any changes so no big deal.

I emailed my psychiatrist about being in a therapist jinx. Either that or I am on some black list. I had sent her and my neuro an email at I have no idea what time in the morning as I experience dystonia yet again last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and thankfully, my compression sock came to the rescue. It calmed it down enough so I could sleep for a few hours before my alarms went off.

Sox game is tonight. My left thigh is sore from the shot. I thought I did a lot of walking to ward it off but maybe not enough. My mother wanted me to go to the Square to get the money owed to me from the cheese I bought. I wasn’t going to the square. I won’t be going tomorrow either. I will be going Friday so I hope the sale price doesn’t change by then. It shouldn’t matter but you never know how picky managers are. I still have the receipt in my wallet. Hope I remember to go to the butcher shop before meeting up with my friends.

I don’t know if I will make it through 9 innings of baseball on like 4 hours sleep. I tried to take a nap but then I got really cold, like almost to the point of chills. I put on my long sleeved shirt. I will be putting on my Sox jersey an hour before game time. Game is on late, 2030, tonight because the MLB sucks. They have the west coast national game at like 2 pm. Who is going to watch the game at that time?? Idiots. I just don’t understand what their thinking is when they schedule games. I also don’t understand why they all can’t be prime time. Oh wait, that would make sense. Duh! I will listen to what I can and then whatever I don’t, I will catch up tomorrow. I am not going to force myself to stay up because then I get over tired and that does me no good at all. Then I sleep whenever, which usually repeats the cycle of no sleep. Sucks. I learned my lesson. Sleep when I am tired. I should try and sleep now but it is too early and then I will be up all night. Catch 22 I know. I am not really that tired. Just mentally exhausted from this asshole I saw. I am glad he didn’t work out because after three sessions I am sure I would be telling him fuck you and walk out. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to talk to. It really shouldn’t. Maybe I am too smart but there has got to be someone on the same level as I am out there. I don’t care if who I see is a he or she. There has to be someone, somewhere. I think I am going to ask the bozo therapist at the pain clinic for a referral. Maybe she knows someone. Long shot but at this point I’ll try anything. I might look up DBT therapists in my area. That is how desperate I am becoming and I hate DBT!

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

World Mental Health Day

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?

About Therapists

About therapists

I have been thinking about writing this for a while, just an overview about the many therapists I have had from all different degrees and orientations. I started off seeing a school counselor. She was getting her degree in counseling, though I am not sure if it was as a school counselor or a social worker. We only saw each other for a few months and then when school started again, I started seeing a social worker that worked at another school. She was good. Had the idea that I shouldn’t use drugs or alcohol. We had a “safety contract”, which my first 10 or so did. It mostly said I wouldn’t kill myself until the next meeting and if I did feel like acting to go to the emergency room or call 911. I only saw her for about 10 months. She left and I saw someone new, a person who was also seeking their degree. I basically feel like she took advantage of me and was only interested in collecting my insurance. Nothing got worked on. I was hospitalized every three months, the last one was when I came out as “gay”. Transgender was never talked about with any therapist until the one I saw prior to my current therapist.

As I had state insurance, therapists were coming and going. By the 10th one, I was tired of them leaving so I left the system for private as I then had private insurance. Only problem was that this therapist didn’t take my insurance. When I switched in 2001, we saw each other for a month before my disc blew and then I didn’t see her again for another three months. We kept in touch by phone. It was a lot to go through. I didn’t talk about my psych issues as I just had my physical health jeopardized. We worked together for sixteen years. All throughout, I was suicidal. But I had the odd hospitalization because we worked on stabilizing using frequent contact. We saw each other sometimes three times a week when I was bad. Then we saw each other twice a week. She moved offices until she moved 30 miles away from Boston. It was tough because I didn’t have a car. I did but it broke down. We just had phone therapy. This went on for about five years. I would get a zipcar once a month to see her but that took some planning around my pain and weather.

The suicidal ideation I had made my therapist nervous. We tried different things, but she never consistently held me to them. I chided away from it because I knew what she was looking for or rather had an idea. I knew it wasn’t going to change. During the last year of therapy we had, we were constantly fighting over my suicidality. She just wasn’t listening to me anymore. I couldn’t explain why I was suicidal. I just mentioned it and she would “hog” the rest of the session with her endless talk, which I just took as her anxiety. It was interfering. I found out she was seeking consultation over me and I felt threatened by that. Eventually we just called it quits. I didn’t see anyone for few months. I had to collect myself. She gave me a few therapists but they weren’t taking on new clients.
Enter my current therapist. He had called back within a few hours of me leaving a message and we had set a time up with in a few days. He sent me his paperwork and other insurance stuff. All throughout seeing the previous therapist, we had tried different suicidal safety planning and scales and whatnots. This guy was not for it. I think the less paperwork, the better. And it bugs me! He just wants to talk things out. For the first six months I didn’t know if this was going to work out. But I had no where else to go. I was tired of searching for therapists only to be told no when I revealed I had a suicidal history. He wasn’t afraid of me talking about suicide and I ease up. Even when I told him I had a plan, he didn’t freak out on me. He understood why I felt that way and we talked it out. It decreased my feelings so I didn’t feel like no one was on my side. I often felt better after sessions but there were a few where I was more frustrated. I texted him a few times and got supportive responses, something my previous therapist did not do, at all. She only responded if we had to change appointment times.

I have been seeing this guy for 16 months. I still find it totally weird that we have an understanding of why I am suicidal yet there is no plan in place, so to speak. He is okay if I live and okay if I die, as long as I don’t do it in his office. He hasn’t taught me things I don’t already know. He would like me to be more social, but that is kind of hard with my physical pain. I like being alone anyway as noise can irritate me, like it is today. Hell, just being in Starbucks when their music is loud is enough to have me leave after I finish eating or when I am ready to write. He doesn’t try to pin things down and my biggest annoyance is when he says we will work on something but doesn’t go further than that. And then when I bring it up next session (I have to bring things up, he won’t), it still doesn’t go anywhere. But I have had that happen with the last therapist I saw, too. She would say we need to work on this and we never did.

I don’t mean to write this to defer you from seeking therapy, that isn’t my goal. I just wanted to write about my experiences with therapists and how they react to suicidal thoughts. Everyone is different. And maybe you started seeing a therapist and then the suicide thoughts started happening. The therapist freaks out and you are then forced to see someone else. Or you attempted and now the therapist doesn’t want to work with you anymore. That is sad and unfortunate but I know it does happen. Suicide is like an elephant (or hippo as someone called it that the other day) in the room that you both know is there but don’t want to face. Or maybe your therapist is trained and does work with you on the issues as long as there is a safety plan in place first with contact numbers and you collaborate on what will work and what will not work. The focus has to be on YOU not the therapist’s comfort level. While my therapist does that and gives me the time to try and work things out as well as support me in any way he can, I still sometimes feel like he just doesn’t get it or dropped the ball on an issue that is never going to see light of day again. I know they are busy people. They have lives outside the office. They see so many patients per day and then deal with the wonderful insurance that can or cannot accept their claims. I don’t know. I am not making excuses for them but if you have a therapist that cares about you and takes your suicidal thoughts seriously, works with you on keeping you safe, and the chronicity of the matter, great. I just am still trying to work with someone and cope with a therapist that says you can kill yourself as long as it isn’t in my office.

back pain sucks!

Back pain sucks!

I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in, which is weird because I almost never do. My back was hurting. I slowly shift so I could take my meds and get up. Standing hurt like a SOB. My legs were hurting so bad. And I could not stand up straight. Not a good sign. I went to the bathroom and did my business. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted coffee but decided to hold off. I wanted to go into town so I could get a new disability pass for the T. Bus was coming in like 4 minutes and there was no way I was rushing as I hurt too bad. There was another bus in 25 minutes. That was better. By the time I was ready, I had like 9 minutes before the bus showed up. I walked to the bus stop and was half way down the street when I needed to rest. My back was not having it. I stopped where some stairs were. I checked when the bus would come and I still had some time. I just had to cross the main street and hope that the bus stop had a seat because there was no way I would be able to stand waiting.

I got on the bus and was chatting with my BFF. She totally gets how the back pain is. I got to the train station and carefully made my way to where I had to go. It was at a train stop but it was on the other side of the station. I walked down the wrong concourse. Then when I was going the right way, there were stairs everywhere. WTF There was a guy drinking when I got to the final staircase and I said are you fucking kidding me and he yelled at me. I told him it wasn’t directed at him and I apologized. He didn’t care what the fuck I was doing or where I was going. I finally made it to where I was. I should have brought water with me as I was thirsty. It was quick and then I got home. I was almost at my stop so I stood up. OMG my spine moved and it hurt so bad. I sat back down. When the train came to the stop, I got up gingerly and was okay. I got on the escalator. Bus was coming in a few minutes but I knew it was just an estimate. I waited at the stop, standing, for at least 15 minutes. I was hurting so fucking bad. I was just worried about walking the block home. I needed coffee.

Mail had come when I got to my house. My back was killing me. I put the barrels in the driveway so my sister wouldn’t yell at me. I separated the mail and then made my coffee. I took off my braces as it was making, so I thought. I got back and the Keurig needed water. Fucking fuck. I filled it and it made a full cup of coffee. Sometimes I get ¾ of a cup. I carefully brought it and the mail upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went to the kitchen to rest and make something to eat. As I drank the coffee I didn’t know what I wanted. I made my go to, a fried egg. When I finished that, I was still hungry so I had a burger. I ate it with my coffee.

Yesterday I complained to Starbucks about how I had to wait for a cookie that didn’t have to be warmed because of their new system. Once you place an order, the Starbucks person needs to wait for a sticker to do the order. The cashier wasn’t doing anything. All he had to do after I placed my order was get the cookie. I waited like 10 minutes for the thing. I was so mad. I got $7 for my inconvenience. I am glad because the new system sucks. I have no idea why they are wasting paper instead of writing on the cup. So stupid. Casi Cielo is back. I am getting another bag along with Pike. I am running low on coffee. I am going to get some more on Monday. I am also going to try and get a reusable pod thing so I don’t waste coffee. I saw them in CVS and hope they still carry them. I will try and get them online if I can’t find it.

Monday is going to be a busy day as I got a doctor’s appointment and then see my therapist. I am going to be out all day. Hope my legs are up to it. I do have Tuesday as a rest day. Not a busy week but therapy takes a lot out of me, just physically and emotionally. Last night I was thinking of writing a blog about it. I might do that later today if I can remember my thoughts. I think it will be interesting to write about how different he is from the other therapists I have had. He is number 14. I have had a lot, from all different degrees. Maybe I will write it on paper and then type it up. We’ll see.