checking in and asking myself if I am okay

Checking in and asking myself if I am okay?

Yesterday I had a meaningful conversation with my therapist about being “okay”. She doesn’t like how I manage myself because it is very slippery. She also said that I am high risk and that is something to be really worried about when I have bad days. She told me that most times I am hanging by a thread and I say I am okay but I really am not. I told her she should call it out more. She said that will piss me off and even though it will, I will try to hear it with an open mind.

So with this information, she wanted me to set a goal for the week. I couldn’t come up with anything so she suggested that I check in with myself and see if I am ok. I am to write this check in every day. Right now that seems impossible because it takes work to do this. I have many platforms to use to write in and I think I am going to do a little old school and new school. I am going to use the app Dario a try and then write in my therapy journal so that I have easy access to it when I see her again on Monday.

I just asked her how long it needs to be and her response was “as long as it needs to be”. That doesn’t fricken help me! I can write just one sentence and be done with it. I can be concise when I want to be and this is sounding like it is going to be concise for me. I might blog one day about it but it isn’t going to be the entire 500 words that I typically write. I don’t think I can write 500 words on if I am okay or not.

My left hamstring is bothering me again. I hate when it flares up as there is nothing I can do about it. I haven’t been successful in stretching the fucker out. I think I need to ask the PT how to stretch it out because I can’t seem to do it on my own. I just went to the bathroom and my back flared up with a spasm. I tripped over a step going back up the stairs and now my bad foot is acting up. I am in great shape today. OMG today has been bad with the back and spasms. I had to take an Ativan.

I got my urodynamic testing next week and I am really nervous about it. I know it will show a change as I am peeing normally again but I am worried it will still show that I need to take a pill to go because I still have retention. I might be able to get off the bladder muscle relaxer as I don’t cath anymore. I will ask. I just hope that I am not retaining urine after I void. If I do, I might need to cath to get it out. I really don’t want to go back to cathing. It isn’t fun.

I hate Mondays

I hate Mondays

I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.

I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.

Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.

She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.

flare up

Flare up

I am in a flare right now. Ankle is so hurting. Bones are hurting me more than anything. I took a double dose of gabapentin and took my BT meds which I am running low on. I forgot to call in a refill Friday. I was in such a bad mood Friday that I just stayed in bed. I didn’t get up for anything other than bathroom breaks. I don’t think I ate either. I managed to eat today but it was just soup and ensure. I wanted to make some scrambled eggs but my sister was taking over the stove baking and making the soup. I couldn’t be bothered with being in the way. I have my way of doing things and I didn’t want to go over my sister.

I laid low today. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I wanted to pick up my meds at the pharmacy but I had such a headache that I didn’t get up till 1500. It was too late to do things. I had no motivation when I woke up to do anything. I have been in this mood for a while. I think the depression is getting worse. I really want to increase the citalopram but this idiot psychiatrist is banking on the antipsychotic in helping my mood. He is really pissing me off. I got to go for an EKG before he wants to increase the dose. I have never had a problem with SSRIs and my heart. It is just another excuse so he won’t increase the dose.

I am tired but I can’t sleep. I think I slept too late today. I haven’t had coffee in two days. I don’t know if my sister bought half and half like I asked her. She went shopping today. I forgot to ask her if she bought my things. I wanted butternut squash for Turkey day. I wonder if my therapist is going to be with her family that day. All this covid stuff has people putting off visiting, least the responsible people. The ones that don’t care just do what they want without consequence to them. Wear your mask! Wash your hands! Social distance!

I haven’t been doing the DBT skill that my therapist wants me to do. I haven’t been in the mood to do it. I have looked it over several times and there is a lot in the ACCEPTS skill. Each letter is a different activity. One of the reasons why I don’t like DBT, too much work. I haven’t even written about the “experience”. I started writing a letter to my therapist last night I think. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I will have to look at it before session to know what I said. I am glad I have access to sent mail.

My ankle pain has worsened. It feels like someone is trying to break it in two. I already took what I can to combat this pain. I just have to wait it out for now. I hate the waiting. It makes me anxious. I was listening to music but instead of calming me, it was making me annoyed. I have to put on Mary Chapin. She is the only one that calms me down when I am irritable. She has such a soothing voice. Tomorrow I need to shower and shave. It is on my to do things. I just hope I can do it without my back flaring up on me. My back has been so much better since taking the magnesium supplements. I haven’t noticed a bowel change with me taking it twice a day. I have had to take Miralax in order to go. I am not going to take the senna anymore as it hasn’t done anything for me to help my bowels. I just feel like I am taking a pill that is doing nothing. Maybe my bowels will be better without me taking it. I hope so anyway. We’ll see.

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

I haven’t been feeling good all day. I have had a headache and neck pain from tension. I have been sleepy but haven’t slept. I feel really depressed and that life is not worth living. I have been trying to work on the DBT skill that my therapist gave me yesterday but I haven’t done more than look at it and think about how to do it. I am supposed to write about it. I got my therapy notebook for that. The skill is called ACCEPTS and each letter stands for something you need to do. For example, A stands for activities so you need to do something to help your mood. One of the things it lists is counting things like colors in a photograph. Just mundane things to get your mind off things.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. He said he is sorry that my depression is severe but he has high hopes the Latuda will help me. Fucker doesn’t want to change the celexa until after I get an EKG and we meet next. So tomorrow I might go get the EKG done. I don’t meet with him until Dec so I have plenty of time to get it done.

Part of the reason I feel so down today is because my ankle flared up. Pain got around 12 and has been hard to control. Feels like someone is hammering my ankle bone. I have been in bed all afternoon trying to keep off it. I think doing things the past three days have worn me out. I posted on Facebook how I was feeling and people misunderstood my depression as this time of year thing. I get depressed year round so I don’t think it has to do with the darkness. I was told to find joy in something because there is always something to be joyful about. Yeah right. I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. It was probably months ago when I had my first surgery and I was feeling the effects of the anesthesia. I had a bowl of ice cream and felt joy while eating it. That was the last time I felt joy. Haven’t felt it since.

I can’t bear the pain in my ankle anymore today. It is so bad and I don’t know why. Temps are a little warmer than they were yesterday. I don’t know if there is supposed to be a storm coming or what. Think I read there were hurricanes across Central America. They could be on their way up here, which could be causing me pain. Right now it feels like I have barbed wire wrapped around my ankle. It is so damn sore. I took some melatonin so I can sleep. Think I will take some gabapentin for the barbed wire feeling. Can’t hurt. I will take a bunch so I can be stupid. Maybe it will help me sleep for longer periods. I just hope the melatonin doesn’t cause two hour sleep increments. I hate that. I can never sleep through for more than four hours lately. I am always waking up between 2 and 3 hours of sleep. No wonder I am tired all the time.