sick and in a flare

Sick and in a flare

I woke up around 5 am because my bladder said to. I then decided to stay up as my grocery delivery was scheduled between 830 and 9. I had two cups of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. After the delivery I put the stuff away and then got my haircut. I went without checking the bus schedule and was too early. I had sent a message to my doc asking if I had to see him because of the mucus being green from my nose. I didn’t get notification until after I got home so I had to go back out again. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep. I was so tired and I had a mocha after my cut. No amount of caffeine was going to keep me awake. I got to the doctors and had to wait. Office was busy. I got sent home with a “ I will live” and I cursed myself for going in. I was really exhausted and tired by the time I got home.

I was playing with my phone and had to use the bathroom. Coming back to my room my ankle flared up. I had to have my niece get my cane in my room. Now I am stuck here. I went to bed before grabbing some catheters so the next time I go may not be the bathroom. I have not been successful cathing in bed. I guess I will have to figure it out now.

I used to love Twitter. I used to get my news from there. Now, I rather be in the dark about the fucking news because every day my govt does something stupid or unconstitutional. Let this year be over so I don’t have to deal with the election bullshit (I will vote!!) and let Jan 31st happen with NEW admin that is Democratic or Pigskins anything but R. All I will say on the matter. If this offends you, I am not sorry.

Hope this weekend’s storm doesn’t kill me. My little suicidal brain has been calculating shit. I won’t get far if and only if my psych do what I told them to do. Other day when I was in painsomnia mode, the voices got out of control. I was thinking of going in the hosp but now with this cold, it isn’t going to happen. They don’t allow fricken cough drops on the unit and the ones that they do allow are the kind that a doctor has to write an order for and numbs you. I hate those kind. I also don’t think going in will be good for my bladder condition. I am too fearful of an infection happening, either because of my having to cath (if the unit allows ME to do it) or if I have to have a Foley and a leg bag. Psych unit bathrooms can be gross even if cleaned once a day. The voices are responding to the higher dose of Invega. I guess I will have to keep taking this dose despite side effects. Benadryl and Ativan will have to be my counter agents for the side effects. I switched taking it to the morning and haven’t had any sign of effects yet.

I’ve already decided that if I am still sick next week, I am going to cancel my appointments with my psychopharm and therapist. I didn’t have therapy this week because of being sick. I supposed I could have been seen today but I really didn’t want to so opted for next week. I am having the fuck its come into play where I don’t want to see either of them because I just feel so damn hopeless. I might cancel anyways or just one as I am supposed to meet both the same day but at different times. I don’t know why I do that because it kills me but it gets it out of the way I suppose. Guess it will depend on how much this virus and this flare will conspire against me and what my recovery will look like. Stay tuned…

1st cold in a while

1st cold in a while

I got my first sickness of the year. I was starting to come down with something over the weekend and now it is full course. I am coughing and got a runny nose. I am all congested but no fever. I ran out of Nyquil so I am just taking vitamin D. I feel a little better today even though I am stuffy.

My urologist got back to me today. She is sick but wants me to drop a specimen to the lab tomorrow and have my pcp follow up with it. So I sent him a message about that. I don’t know if it will be tomorrow though as Wed I need to see my therapist.

I still have the assignment the therapist gave me last week that I haven’t done yet. It is hard because I have to think what three need mean to me and how to achieve them. The first one I picked was achievement, to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent. I often dismiss my achievements like they are nothing. For example, the PT I saw was amazed I was able to get to her appointments from the next two towns over by public transportation. To walk to the bus/train stop and then go to and from. She gave me credit for that and I never thought of it that way. I would sometimes I have a pain flare after, but that was something I did without it being a challenge. Writing lately has been a challenge. I would love to write at least five days a week but I know there are days where I am not feeling up to it physically or mentally. It is hard to write when you feel like complete crap or your ankle is screaming on the top of its lungs.

The second thing is play. I would love to have a chance to go to the chess club more but sleep is more important to me. I have to plan the day because I have to take the bus on a Sunday. Then walk to the plaza. Sometimes they go to the coffee shop if the weather is not great and that means I have to have money for coffee. I usually don’t carry cash and I am often broke by the time I get paid. Just trying to have an extra $20 for a haircut has been hard. That also makes me feel good, to have a haircut. I wish I could go more than once a month but budgeting it now with having to budget my meds hasn’t been possible.

The third thing is defendence, to defend against assault, criticism, or blame. I need to stand up for myself more in my house. I let my sisters and mother boss me around all the time. They don’t think that I am disabled and that I do things on purpose, like leaving the toilet seat up. That is a new challenge for me with this whole catheter business. They don’t understand that I am not aware of things that they are. Yes it sucks but give me a little credit or just tell me so that I don’t do it again. Don’t get mad at me for something I don’t know I am doing. I am not doing it on purpose. I get so irritated with my sister about this stuff. She has no respect for other people. My mother has no privacy for my bathroom uses. It is really frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with this because both are so volatile.

Why am I here?

I got this notification today. It made my day. Been up since 4 am in pain. Concussion messed with my memory as I couldn’t remember how to make a fried egg. Made boiled instead. Now I am wicked paying for it. Foot is being crushed and ankle is being stabbed. Really wish that stupid elixir worked. Hate being in this much pain. Depression is so bad. I just want to sleep. Got appts every day this week and then made plans with a friend for dinner Sat. I am such an idiot. I am going to be toast if the pressure and temps keep being a rollercoaster.

I don’t know how i am supposed to go on like this. Yet apparently I am. Maybe reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir will help, if I can remember where I put the book…

memories are made of this

Memories are made of this

I had therapy today. I asked her if meeting twice a week was just a one time thing this week or if this was how it will be going forward. She said we can talk about it if I felt I needed twice a week. I said I would think about it. I tried to get out of Wed meeting and though she had no objection to me canceling, I said I would keep the appointment. Some memories surfaced over the weekend because it is anniversary time. Around this time 16 years ago, I was raped by the girlfriend I was seeing at the time. It happened three times over the course of a couple months but started the end of Oct. I never really talked about it because I had other fish to fry and I didn’t think it was important. I felt like I would be blamed for letting it happen. The therapist has had other patients who have been raped so I am not the first. I just feel like I should have stopped it and not let it continue. The whole relationship was bad. I haven’t been with anyone since.

I started having a hard time dealing with the memories and feelings. I wanted to self-harm because other stuff happened too to stir up emotions to the point of them being overwhelming. I started to dissociate a bit and wanted to self-harm. I texted the therapist about seeing if talking to a hotline even though I wasn’t in crisis would be helpful and she gave me a rape one. It wasn’t helpful. I am still feeling a little dissociative. I don’t or rather can’t say that I won’t end up doing something. I don’t have sharp things by the bed and I guess it is good that my foot is flared up so I won’t get up trying to find something. I am so exhausted. I never thought someone that I loved could hurt me this way. The thing that bothers me is that this person told me she was raped and you would think they would be more mindful about doing it to someone else because they wouldn’t want someone else to go through that. I was wrong. She just didn’t care and she took out her anger on me in various ways. She was really trying to control me towards the end before I put a stop to the intimacy. Then she started seeing someone else, basically cheating on me and her husband. She was truly a piece of work. She tried to get back together with me but I didn’t fall for it. She is too manipulating and of course she got mad when I said no.

The therapist said we would work on stuff to deal with the memories next session, which will be Wed, if I don’t cancel. I am feeling really hopeless about anything helping me right now and I am trying to give her a chance before totally giving up. Though the way I feel now, it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change and I might as well just give up. Still on the fence on this idea.