PT, Partial, and other things
I had partial today. I went to three groups. The last group dealt with gender identity and I really liked it. Nearly half the participants were trans. The others were either trans NB or non-binary. It was a good group of people. I tried to pay attention to the DBT skill willingfulness but I just couldn’t. It is too complicated. Too many rules. I have two more days of groups and then I am done. I don’t want to go back.
After group I had some time to kill before PT. I took some Zanaflex because I needed it. I should have taken pain meds but I didn’t need it at that time. I went to PT and my whole shoulder girdle is knotted up. From my neck to my shoulder is all tense and hard. Even now as I am speaking my neck is twitching with pain. I just put some diclofenac gel on it. It seems to have calmed it down some. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt trying to get the knots out. I have to work with a tennis ball on my deltoid and the muscle near my shoulder blade. I also need to apply heat twice a day.
I need to shower tomorrow. I haven’t showered in almost a week. I am being lazy so I am keeping my beard. I just need to hop in the shower but I have no drive to do so. I know why it is so hard. I don’t want to be in pain and taking a shower causes me pain. I am traumatized by my own body. I miss the days where I would shower until the water got cold.
The PT wants to do dry needling which is similar to acupuncture. She said that it can get uncomfortable and after she was just touching the pressure points today, I believe it will cause me some discomfort. I am going to read through the information she gave me so that I can be informed. Either way, I am going to hurt with this therapy. The knots aren’t going to undo themselves and I can’t stand being in this much pain.
I have psychotherapy tomorrow. I was looking forward to it but now I am dreading it. I hope that I can talk without being in too much pain tomorrow. My shoulder has been giving me some real grief after partial. I want to talk about being traumatized by my body. I don’t know if she will talk about it or not but I think it is important to bring up. I don’t want to have the conversation but I also need to shower. I also need to talk about the trauma my father put us through when I was in my teens. I know I have been over it a million times but the anniversary is coming up and I want to be ready.
I dissociated last night and didn’t even realize it until later that night. I wasn’t there for therapy but I was. I showed up but I have no recollection of the meeting. It has been a long while since something like this has happened. I don’t know why. I have no idea if something triggered me into dissociation or what. I don’t feel like seeing her again. I feel like I am taking up too much of her time.
I am meeting with my neurosurgeon and psychiatrist today. Both are virtual thank god because my ankle is still flared up and I know I wouldn’t be able to walk from the train station to my neurosurgeon’s office. Thankfully my back is better today so I don’t have to tell him I fell unless he asks. I have no red flag symptoms so I think I am ok. I got to tell my psychiatrist about he shaking. I noticed my right leg will shake and supposedly my hands shake when I give my sister things. I don’t have a steady hand when I hold them out straight.
I went to three groups today and they were okay. I had my meeting with the therapist and we decided to go the rest of the two full weeks. Insurance will pay so I don’t have to worry about going four days this week. I just have to show up to three groups though so that is good. I am not sure what my schedule will be like next week as I will be going all five days. I have to ask about this.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up most of the night because of pain. My neck, ankle, and back were all conspiring against me. They still are. I am so miserable. I feel like I just want to die. I wanted to text my therapist this but I decided not to. I didn’t want to worry her. I just said that I was in a lot of pain and left it at that. I still can’t believe I dissociated last night. I remember bits and pieces of therapy but it feels like I wasn’t there.
My legs and knees are still hurting from the fall I took the other day. My knees are bruised as I landed on them. I am so sore. I have been taking Tylenol around the clock for the soreness. My neck muscles are killing me too. All from that one fall. My back seems to be okay and I don’t have any back problems. I do have a sore back but that is it. No other pain going down my legs or other radiating back problems.
The surgeon signed me off. I don’t need to see him again unless I have problems. I am glad. My psychiatrist agreed to increase the citalopram. He is only going up 10 mg and then see how I do. He wants to make sure the drug doesn’t mess with my heart rhythm. I’ve never had a problem with SSRIs so I don’t know what his deal is.
Tired and blah
I didn’t want to go to groups today but I went anyway, to all five of them. I usually skip the last group because I think it is a waste of time but I went anyway today. I haven’t been eating so been really tired and am now starting to feel weak because I haven’t eaten in three days. I wanted to make a sandwich today but the bread was frozen so I had to wait. I think I will make the sandwich after I finish this blog.
I got a new copy of Trauma and Recovery that I plan on reading tonight. My therapist was sarcastic in her response when I told her so I am not sure if she likes me reading this or not. It isn’t a light book to read but I think I will learn from it.
A storm is supposed to pass through tonight dropping a crap load of snow. I am glad I went out yesterday to get what I needed. I should have bought burgers. I need to get them this weekend. I haven’t had a homemade burger in so long.
I just read my therapist’s notes and it paints a depressing picture. Made me feel more depressed reading it than anything. She spells out my symptoms of depression clearly. I guess I am just in denial again about how depressed I am. Doesn’t surprise me as I am never in touch with how I feel. She writes that I practice skills but I don’t always do that. I have a hard time doing it on my own. Even the partial program is starting to get on my nerves about skills. I just don’t believe in them. I don’t know what will help but I know that whatever I am doing isn’t working right now. Meds are not helping me but then I am not at a dose that is helpful.
I got an email earlier today about how a researcher wants to use my blog as part of his research so I am happy about this. I am glad my writing is helping someone.
Sad that I am in a lot of pain and in a depressed mood same time as last year when I tried to take my life. I am so suicidal but so fearful of being another failure I don’t try. I have been in pain since 0330 this morning when I woke up with shoulder pain. I stayed up for an hour trying to get it to calm down. I can’t remember if I took a BT med or not. I was in agony.
I have been in a lousy mood all day. My friend pissed me off this morning over a misunderstanding. I am so upset with her that I can’t bring myself to talk to her. Then I had partial hospital which was basically just attending groups. I was uncomfortable throughout as my shoulder was still hurting me causing my neck to feel out of sorts. My hamstring in my left leg was hurting me as well. I just felt like the left side of me was just not going to be happy today. My ankle was bothering me but not as bad as the shoulder pain. I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I had group. By the second group, I had enough. I forced myself to a third group and was in agony and full of piss and vinegar throughout the meeting. I just wanted to lay down. I was bored and the group didn’t hold my interest. I am finding it hard to participate in them. I often have nothing to contribute or to add. I don’t relate to anything being said.
After the third group I texted my therapist that I was in a bad mood and we texted for a bit. She didn’t want me to have therapy if I was going to be angry. I thought things over a bit using DBT and realized I was more hurt (physically and emotionally) than angry. That helped diffuse my anger somewhat. I went to therapy and we talked. I told her in two days will be my anniversary of when I last attempted to take my life. I told her of the day and it was similar to what I am feeling today with being in so much pain. I am so depressed but I don’t feel the pressure of suicidality that I did last year. I do have the pills to do the job if I choose to go through with it. But I fear I will be a failure so I don’t try.
I didn’t nap today though I tried. I was just in too much pain and anguish. I was really upset that I was misgendered. Even my therapist misgendered me by accident. She was really sorry she did as it was a typo. The sentence didn’t make sense so I knew it was an error but it still stung just the same. Yesterday my mother called me a girl and it hurt so bad. Then she fell which got me worried so I couldn’t be “angry” at her so much. I hate that caring for her sometimes over takes the feelings I have for her, especially when they are negative. It drives me crazy.