Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18
I’ve had an okay day today despite Amazon not delivering my package today. They say it is in a “secure location” but didn’t specify where that was. Then when I called they said it could still be out for delivery and to call back if I don’t receive it by 4 PM. OK. I usually don’t have a problem with Amazon but I think their own delivery service where people use their cars to deliver their products is shady. I just have found the delivers are whenever. I should have screenshotted when they were close to my house to prove they were in my vicinity. But I didn’t think because I’ve never had a problem before but whatever. I hope my package gets delivered tomorrow or they issue me a credit.
I’ve been feeling kind of blah since maybe 730pm. Just had the sinking feeling of depression where everything seems so bad yet nothing is really bad because nothing went on today. I didn’t have an argument with my mother. I really hate when these depression episodes happen because I don’t know what to do. And then if pain hits, I just become really suicidal, which reminds me I need to find that paper so that my family can pay for my funeral expenses. Dammit. I don’t really want to do this financial piece but I know funerals are expensive after what we went through with my father. Just don’t want them to be shorthanded. I guess I just feel hopeless since my psychiatrist sent me the email about wanting me in the hospital for the sleep/wake cycle bullshit, which means she didn’t read my blog about why I have insomnia. I just am done with doctors and just see them because my life will be worse if I don’t. I want to cancel my appointment with her this week but I have another doctor’s appointment that day so I will be killing two birds with one stone. I am not mad at her as I know she cares about me and just wants the best for me but going to the hospital where they may or may not give me my pain meds and worse, screw up the way I take my meds or miss my meds because they don’t have them, no thank you. I can do without that headache. And it isn’t like they treat you for anything. They spend 15-20 minutes with you and then it off until the next day. How can you call that treatment? It is more like an appointment or something. They screw up talking with you anyhow so why get fucking frustration when you already are. I told her I would only do so if I attempt. I didn’t tell her I was planning again. I don’t think I have told my therapist. He doesn’t really care anyways.
PTSD has been around lately. I just have been having a hard time laying down for fear of pain and I have no idea how to get over it. It isn’t until I literally can’t read my phone anymore that I finally lay down. But sometimes I have to kind of sit up and talk to the voices to finally get to sleep. These are the good voices not the bad ones. Right now my foot is acting up. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or something else. I just took some Neurontin before I take my pain meds because if it is nerve pain, it will go away. If it is not then I take pain meds. Temps I haven’t notice anything. Yesterday the barometric pressure was fucking crazy. I have no idea if it was today because I didn’t keep track of it. I wasn’t in horrible pain like I was yesterday. I really don’t like this buzzing feeling I am having now as it could explode so I am a little anxious about how I tonight is going to go. My back is killing me so I won’t be sitting up for that much longer. I am tired so hope the Neurontin does its job and then I can sleep.
I got therapy tomorrow. I wanted to cancel but I might cancel Wednesday because there is going to be snow and I am not running around town in snow while both fucking ankles aren’t stable. Not happening. I could Uber but they are pissing me off with picking people up as they go and then going all around town to my house rather than taking a shorter route. No thanks, I don’t need that aggravation. I wish I could afford a cab but those are more expensive than Ubers. I honestly don’t know if I am going to stay in therapy because I am not getting anything out of it. I tell him I get PTSD and he doesn’t give me ways to cope, on anything! Talking about what happened is not helping me! I am just getting annoyed and stuff. Then my mother today was like make cookies for my niece’s birthday party. When? I might be able to make them Wed if I don’t see my therapist but that is only if I don’t flare and it is supposed to snow that day so I most likely will be in pain! I just want to stay in bed or just go to Starbucks without an anxiety attack about a pain flare or that I need to get home because I feel safer there should something happen. I am just pathetic. I just don’t know why when I seek help, it fails me miserably. And if anyone says I am the problem, you are an asshole.
Psychache is happening. I kind of miss my former therapist, who by now should be called ex. She left me because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. Or whatever reason we ended, which I still am not sure of because she never told me. I just said end and she said yes. Guess that is the end of the story. But if I brought up the PTSD stuff she at least helped me cope with it rather than do nothing.
Insomnia strikes again
I had about a 4 hour sleep and had to go to the pharmacy to see if I could get my pain meds filled today so I didn’t have to go tomorrow. My mother needed her meds picked up so I went. I looked in the shaving section to see if they had any good after shave. They had a Nivea one that was on sale so I got that. I should have the one I bought on Amazon delivered today but want to try different ones and see what I like.
I left my BFF a video clip, like I do daily. And then she sent me some voice clips and I just love hearing her voice because of her Canadian accent. It is funny that we both like the way we talk. She was telling me she likes how my face has these expressions while I talk. HAHA just me. I sort of notice them while I am speaking but never thought much of them.
I am in a lot of pain today. The barometric pressure went up 0.22 points. And while I was walking home from the pharmacy, my ankle gave out on me. So it was the longest walk home in a while. The street that leads to my house always seems like a mile long but because my ankle was being a fuck, it just seemed like a thousand miles. I didn’t bring my cane because I am not that used to carrying it all the time. It was a short walk so didn’t think to bring it. I think if I was going to the Square or to an appointment, I probably would have remembered to bring it. I regretted it anyways. My aunt was visiting and OMG she an my mother ganged up on me on am I seeing the right doc and seeing this person or what can be done for you talk. I need my meds and need to rest in bed. That is what I need. Maybe my dose of my pain meds needs to be increased but I am too doubtful this will happen so don’t bring it up when I see the doctors anyways. And they NEVER ask if the meds ARE helping the pain. Because if I tell them there is a problem, it becomes a big deal and more work and I just feel like why bother. Even though that IS THE REASON I HAVE THESE APPOINTMENTS!!! It just gets so tiring to go and not be heard or be told I need to see another doctor because my chickenshit PCP is too scared to think outside the box and treat something that shouldn’t be so fucking difficult. He has the same damn license as the other doctor so I don’t understand the problem. If he is prescribing me my pain meds I don’t understand why he can’t increase the dose to see if that helps my flares but I always get talked down about it. Damn crisis and CDC guidelines. Fucking ruining chronic pain patients. This is why I want to end things this year. I have a semi plan building. I have a date but have yet to put any of it in action yet. I wanted to see if my psychiatrist was going to back me up and she isn’t so I really have no other choice. I can’t live like this. It has been a year. I tried, it failed, so why go on???
I just got my new baking cooling racks and my mother yelled “I got a lot of them”. I said yea and they are small! These are bigger! The new after shave balm I bought has a nice scent to it. So now I get to choose, Nivea or American. Going to trash the Gillette one. It burns when I use it, probably because it has alcohol in it. Going downstairs to retrieve the box has really flared up my ankles. So I am going to pop some gabapentin and hope to go back to sleep. My mother is making vegetables, which she will probably have for supper. I don’t like rabe so will have either chicken pattie or cold cuts. Whenever the pain goes down, I plan on making breakfast burritos and freezing them. They will be a nice thing to have and easy to reheat on days I hurt too much to want to cook.
Down day and lots of pain
My right foot is giving me grief. I think I will be going back to PT as I think I sprained my ankle again but I need some kind of support so this doesn’t happen again. Sadly, I don’t have anymore money to buy an ankle supporter. I think I am going to get a laced up one, as long as it doesn’t rub against my arch, causing my heel to hurt. I noticed today that I am turning my foot so my heel doesn’t hurt, which is causing my ankle to hurt. Now that I am home, I can barely stand and my brain is hurting as to which one hurts more, my left or right. I had to use the walker again. My PCP wasn’t helpful. But I did get him to give me a referral for the brace clinic and see the brace guy that I have been seeing. I made an appointment with him for next week, which means another week of agony.
My mother needed bread and she was making some weird dish with broccoli so I wanted pizza. I literally walked around the block, in a square, so technically 4 blocks. I came home tired so took a nap in my underwear because I was too hot. I slept four hours and now my ankle hates me. My heel pain is hurting but no where near last night’s levels. It was completely torture last night. I got PTSD going on which meant I couldn’t lay down because I was scared that I was going to be in more pain. No amount of trying to soothe myself helped. I was so afraid to move my body to lay down and then move my ankle so I could sleep. It was torture and I was up most of the night. I drew a picture of where it hurt. I have no idea why. I made circles around where it hurt and then named them. The glob is the area where there are muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. The malleolus which is the ankle bone. Then a new area that was my new suicidal ankle pain spot. I drew a line where the familiar suicidal ankle pain was. That distracted me but didn’t help me to sleep.
I texted my therapist late last night telling him I couldn’t sleep. I sent the same message to my psychiatrist along with the picture. I was in horrific pain. All because I saw my fucking therapist! WTF!! I really wanted to down the bottle of gaba but I didn’t. No one was awake at that hour except a Twitter follower that basically said that I couldn’t have suicidal thoughts and I couldn’t die. Thanks, that helps me so damn much. Go back to your corner of the world. I know she was trying to be helpful but that is not being helpful! Denying someone their thoughts because of pain is not helpful. I got mad. I watch some youTube things about the buffoon in office. I am scared of what he is going to say tonight and I am so fucking mad at the national TV stations for giving in to this liar!!
Tomorrow will be my 98th day of transition. I am going to post pics (not here) but on my social media on day 100. I will be making a dirty gravy as my sister wants that for supper for my Mother’s birthday. I was going to use 3 cans of tomatoes but I think I am going to use 4. It goes so fast and she always takes a big chunk of what I make because she really likes it. Last time I made it, I think I had like 2 containers and that was it. I would like more because I really love this. It is one of my favorite things I make. Only trouble is, my mother has the cans of tomatoes in the back of her closet which takes some maneuvering to get the cans. Why she has to have them in the back, I don’t know. I might steal two cans of my sisters as they are in our hallway. HAHA. I did that last time I made the gravy because I didn’t want to fiddle my back to grab my mother’s cans.
I am feeling depressed because I am in so much pain, again. Two nights in a row is not fun. I hope it isn’t a nasty flare. I just won’t be able to handle it because I need to see my therapist tomorrow. I need therapy. I can’t just stop because I am in pain. I feel like I am pushing myself to try to lead a normal life even though I have chronic pain.
I shaved my head today and trimmed my goatee thing that seems to be the only facial hair that I have. I was expecting more but whatever. I guess it will come in time. I love the song Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. This is the first song I have ever bought with Lady Gaga. She has a wonderful voice. I don’t know why I am addicted to this song. Last night I downloaded different music apps because the one that I primarily used, Rocket Player, fucked up all my music so I had to go to something else. I was using Samsung music but got tired of it. Then I was using music but the fucking thing beeped every time it played a song and then would stop, even if the thing was on shuffle repeat. But now I am using Pi and it seems to be okay. I am charging my headphones so I can have them for tomorrow. They make good ear protectors from the cold, LOL. I just hope there is no precipitation or I will have to use earbuds. I know we are in a storm pattern and that is why my pain sucks right now but fuck. The barometric pressure dropped. Yesterday around this time it was 30.3. Now it is 29.69. Fun!!!!! Can’t wait to see what the pressure will be tomorrow.