Tag: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

thirty years of therapy and what I have learned

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thirty years of therapy and what I learned

I’ve been in therapy since I was 15. After 30 years and 15 therapists, I’ve called it quits. Not because I was cured because I couldn’t get the care I needed. Not all therapists are the same. And even if someone has the credentials I am looking for, doesn’t mean it will work out. I have seen social workers, psychologists (PhDs and PsyD), psychiatrists, and psych RN. The first 10 I saw within the first 10 years of starting therapy. Each therapist I saw didn’t last more than a year. One resident I saw lasted three years, till the end of her residency, but she moved on and I didn’t see her again. I tried DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and the various psychodynamic therapies out there.

My suicidal career took up talk for the last 10 years of therapy, maybe more as it got more serious and I didn’t want to live anymore. I started researching into the different treatment options and found very little to help myself. The therapist I was seeing at the time was stuck in her ways didn’t want to adapt to what I wanted her to do in therapy to help me. It was frustrating. Then I saw a PsyD with the credentials and I thought yes! This is going to work out finally. But it didn’t because she didn’t have empathy and couldn’t give me validation when I needed it the most.

What I learned from my research into suicidology is that the person needs to tell their story of why they are suicidal. It needs to be heard by an empathic person who validates why they are suicidal. They also should appear eager to listen and to know more about the person, their pain and suffering. To find out where it hurts and to try and heal it the best they can. I can go on about things like perturbation, lethality, constriction, and psychache but those are just words no one uses anymore.

Living with pain— physical or emotional— for years is a traumatic stressor. The experience of living with pain evokes many of the same responses that being subjected to abuse or neglect does. — Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle

I came across this quote while scrolling through Twitter. Dammit this guy always posts something when I am in the feels. He is correct. Pain does have the same responses as being abused or neglected. I have suffered physical pain consistently 24/7/365 for the past twelve years. Each time my foot or ankle flared up, I had flashbacks of when my back gave out ten years prior. I had to go through a series of checklists to make sure it wasn’t happening again, each time, nearly every single day. Once I had a diagnosis for the pain the checklist checking stopped but the feelings of the trauma didn’t.

My therapist who I just stopped seeing, asked me what I was looking for in therapy. But I didn’t have the words. As I am reading the book Building a Therapeutic Alliance with the suicidal Patient, I am figuring out what I need in therapy. I knew she wasn’t able to give me what I need. I am not really sure what I need. I know I want someone to talk to tell my story to. For them to listen, empathically and compassionately to what I have to say about why I am suicidal and why it has become my only option left to me.

Sunday Blog 22082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, mood disorders, PTSD, writing

Sunday Blog 22082021

Post op day 4 hysterectomy

I got some good sleep finally. I feel really good. I am not in as much pain as I was in yesterday. I made sure to empty my bladder throughout the night and that helped. I am cathing every four hours to make sure I am empty completely. It hurts to void so that is why I am cathing. My genital area is sore but that is to be expected and the vaginal entrance is a little swollen. I noticed some clear discharge that is not mentioned at all with the post op stuff so I hope it is nothing to be worried about. I sent my surgeon a message anyway to ask if it is a concern or not.

Only thing I am planning on doing today is reading my MLB book. I started reading it last night as I couldn’t sleep. I read for about an hour and it helped to relax. I wanted to finish the chapter but it was too long. It was covering the two decades of 1900 and 1910. A lot of interesting baseball stuff happened during those years. I am having my doubts about being able to write a book about the history of team names. There is a lot of cross over between the leagues and some cities stays and it just gets confusing because things changed year to year, season to season.

I also plan on watching DS9. I can only watch so much TV before I get bored so if I watch two episodes, I will call that a win. Because of Tropical Storm Henri, baseball has been canceled for today in the New England area. We already had a tremendous thunderstorm and heavy rain. It is supposed to continue until tomorrow. I just hope nothing floods.

I am trying to fight off a nap right now. I am so tired from just having a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I know I am tired from post op. That is a given. It just comes on so suddenly that it is overwhelming sometimes. I am not having a lot of pain today. I made sure I took my pain meds during the night as I had my med alarm set to go off. I still only slept every three hours or so because I had to empty my bladder. My bladder seems to have its own schedule. I am glad I cath. It makes me feel like a man because I am standing while peeing.

I have been in the mood to write something profound but words are escaping me. I want to write a letter to my therapist about my trauma, just talking about one aspect of it and see where it leads me. I have so much emotion pent up in me right now that I think writing about it might help. I might post it on my blog if it isn’t too graphic in detail. I think writing about my cousin’s molestations might be helpful for me. I have been having intrusive memories about it the past few days. The one thing about anesthesia that I had is it brings things to the surface that you are trying to keep undercover. But with trauma there is always something under the surface. Anything that has to do with my genitals is a trigger for my sexual abuse to be in the forefront of my mind, even if I am not conscious of it.

Trauma and Memories

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Trauma and memories

Trigger warning: childhood sexual abuse

Monday I had therapy. We talked about stuff and somehow got on to talking about my mother. We didn’t discuss what I was thinking about but I could have sworn my therapist mentioned rape and it all sort of clicked. My mother raped me a few times during my childhood. I won’t go into specific details because this is just triggering for me. There is a lot to talk about during next session. I am glad it is next week. I don’t think I can handle another session of this caliber. To say I hate my mother is an understatement. I haven’t been talking to her the past few days. I’ve just been ignoring her.

I have been in a funk since this realization. I got so many feelings about it, mostly shame and guilt. I don’t know why I feel guilty as I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess the depression just loves to throw that in whenever you are down just because. I also been feeling disgusted whenever I am around my mother. The price of having to live with her.

I had therapy today and we talked more about the abuse my mother put me through. I talked in detail about what she did to me. Not all at once. Just in pieces. My mother had this thing of looking at me after I showered. She paid particular attention to my genitals. One day she saw that my labia was long. This concerned her. She forced me to be examined by her. Then she took me to the doctors to be examined by them. Nothing was wrong with me. Just like there was nothing wrong with my breasts when she examined me then took me to the doctor then to a surgeon at the age of 13. This was because one boob was bigger than the other. She has always done her exams out of “concern”. Guess putting things in my vagina was out of the same concern. She had this weird idea that my vagina was closing and she was determined to keep it open. I was 3 when this happened. I only knew about it because I got my pedi records. It still burns me that my pediatrician didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. My mother was always interested in my genitals and then when I developed breasts, my breasts. She was always looking for ways to touch them.

I feel disgusted about this and sick to my stomach. I feel like an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this but I guess it goes with the territory. I still find it hard to have these feelings and be around her and act like nothing is wrong. I have to stuff the feelings down because I have no where to express it, except to my therapist but getting it out is so hard. I don’t know what I am feeling all the time other than shame and disgust. I am hurt because I was violated by someone that was supposed to care and protect me.

The abuse happened throughout my life until I was 15. That is when we really came to blows and I suffered from a deep depression that made me angry at her for not getting  me the help I needed sooner. She was of the mind that all I needed to do was talk to her because she was my mother. But I had so much hate towards her for everything she did to me that she was the last person I would go to for help and support. Even today, I am not likely to talk to her about anything regarding my mental health issues. She lost me when I was a teenager and I don’t think she will ever get me back. What she did was hurtful and traumatic. I am glad I am talking about it now even though it is really painful to.

I’ve been down since July…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

I’ve been down since July…

Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.

It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!

I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.

I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.

Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.